Why am i so emotionally unavailable

Emotionally Unavailable: Meaning, Signs, and FAQs

Emotional availability describes the ability to sustain emotional bonds in relationships. Since it’s pretty much impossible to have a healthy relationship without an emotional connection, emotionally unavailable people tend to find relationships challenging. Instead, they might prefer to date casually and maintain some distance.

Say you’ve dated someone for about 6 months. You have plenty in common, not to mention great sexual chemistry, but something seems a little off.

Maybe they shy away from conversations about emotional experiences, or talk a lot about their life and interests but never ask about your hobbies.

This apparent lack of investment can make you wonder if they even like you.

But your involvement (whether it’s a relationship or something more casual) continues, so you reason they must have feelings for you.

The good news is they probably do. The bad news is they might be emotionally unavailable.

Recognizing emotional unavailability can be tricky. Many emotionally unavailable people have a knack for making you feel great about yourself and hopeful about the future of your relationship.

But if, after an encouraging start, you never connect more intimately, they might not have the ability to maintain anything beyond casual involvement at the moment.

The signs below can help you recognize emotional unavailability in a partner.

They don’t like making plans

Emotionally unavailable people often show less inclination to make commitments, whether these commitments are minor or more significant.

Maybe you suggest getting together next week. They agree enthusiastically, so you ask what day works for them.

“Let me check and get back to you,” they say, but you never hear back.

Or maybe they say, “I’ll pencil that in.” But when the time comes, they have a great excuse for why they can’t make it.

They call the shots

When you do see each other, they tend to choose what you do — usually an activity that aligns with their typical routine.

They might put on the latest episode of their favorite Netflix show, even though you’ve never seen it. Or maybe they ask you to help them out around the house.

This doesn’t necessarily mean there’s a problem, especially if they seem receptive when you make suggestions.

But if they never ask what you’d like to do, or seem irritated when you don’t want to go along with their plan, it may be time to consider whether the relationship is really serving your needs.

You do all the relationship work

Can’t remember the last time they sent a text that wasn’t a direct reply? Feel a little frustrated they’ve never set up a date or initiated any plans?

If you do all the calling, texting, and planning, there’s a good chance they’re emotionally unavailable. They enjoy spending time with you, certainly, when it works for them. But they don’t want to work for it, either. If you don’t make things happen, they probably won’t.

When you aren’t spending time together, you hear from them only rarely. Maybe they take days to reply to messages or ignore some messages entirely, especially meaningful ones.

They might say, “I’d rather talk about important things in person.” Which sounds great, of course — until they don’t follow up.

They avoid the word ‘relationship’

Emotional unavailability can involve commitment and intimacy fears. You might participate in relationship behaviors with someone — go on dates, spend the night together, meet each other’s friends — but they don’t want to talk about having an official relationship.

As long as you keep dating casually, things go pretty well. But when you try to swim to deeper waters, they might make a break for the safer shores of casual dating.

Use caution if someone you’re involved with:

says, “I’m not looking for anything serious” — unless, of course, you also want to keep things casual
talks a lot about a recent ex
talks about unrequited feelings for a friend
says they have a fear of commitment

It’s always possible you caught them at a time when they feel ready to work toward change. Usually, though, someone who says these things means them.

You never seem to grow closer

In the beginning of the relationship, they openly share vulnerabilities or say how much they enjoy spending time together. But things never get serious.

It’s tempting to try to make things work with someone who seems distant. You might believe they just need to find the right person. If you can reach them when no one else can, your relationship has the potential to last, right? You just have to try a little harder.

But that’s how emotional unavailability can trap you.

Unless they do some work themselves, you’ll continue investing energy into the relationship with the goal of someday getting closer. Meanwhile, they’ll keep avoiding reciprocation, so you’ll drain yourself until you’re too emotionally exhausted to continue.

They reflect your feelings instead of offering their own

Pay attention to how someone responds when you share emotions.

Do they express their feelings uniquely? Or do they mirror back what you say with, “I feel the same way”?

Not everyone likes to talk about emotions all the time, but in a relationship, it’s important to connect on an emotional level.

If your partner can’t open up, even when you initiate a conversation and ask direct questions, they may be emotionally unavailable.

They show up late or blow off plans

Not keeping commitments or consistently showing up late is a subtle way to keep someone at a distance.

Your partner might still care and even apologize with sincerity.

But they may care more about what they want and have trouble restructuring their life to include you. In other words, they’re not ready to prioritize relationship needs over their own needs.

Maybe some of the above signs resonated with you as traits you’ve noticed in yourself, or things past partners have pointed out to you.

Emotional unavailability doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong. You may not fully realize how it shows up in your relationships.

Here are some signs to keep in mind.

When commitments approach, you want to back out

Last week, you made plans for a date tomorrow. You felt excited then, but now giving up your free time is the last thing you want to do.

It’s important to take enough time for yourself, absolutely. That said, if you end up canceling plans with your partner more often than not, it may help to consider why you feel the need to avoid spending too much time together.

You operate by keeping your options open

If you want a committed relationship, at some point you’ll need to focus on one partner (or, in a nonmonogamous relationship, your primary partner).

But instead of having a discussion with your current partner about relationship goals like long-term commitment or exclusivity, you continue swiping, going on dates, and generally keeping your eyes open for greener pastures.

You might not want to settle for someone who isn’t exactly right. But this mindset can limit your ability to dedicate time and energy to someone you already care for. It’s not always possible to find a “perfect” match, but you can still have a great relationship with someone who falls a little short of complete perfection.

You worry about losing yourself in a relationship

If you’re fiercely independent, you might worry getting close to a romantic partner will involve losing that independence. Maybe you like to do things your way, on your schedule, and don’t want to change your life to fit someone else’s.

There’s nothing wrong with that, but it can make you less available. In a healthy relationship, partners balance individual needs with their romantic commitment. It may take some time and exploration to learn how to do this in a way that feels right for you.

Trust doesn’t come easily to you

If someone betrayed your trust in the past, you might avoid exposing your vulnerabilities to anyone else. You might prefer to keep your emotions and thoughts locked down so no one can use them against you.

When a partner urges you to open up and talk about how you’re feeling, you respond by shutting down or changing the subject.

You keep ending up with emotionally unavailable people

If you have a pattern of relationships with emotionally distant partners, consider whether you’re getting back what you’re putting out.

At first, it might seem easy and fun to date people who don’t ask a lot of you emotionally. But if, deep down, you really want more from a relationship, these flings won’t fulfill you for long.

A number of factors can contribute to emotional unavailability. It’s not uncommon to find more than one cause at the heart of this issue.

Attachment issues

Childhood attachment to primary caregivers can play a significant part in emotional unavailability.

If your caregivers didn’t show interest in your feelings or offer much affection and support, you may have absorbed this as a relationship model.

As an adult, your attachment to romantic partners might follow this pattern and tend toward avoidant.

Temporary circumstances

Emotional unavailability can also happen temporarily. Many people living with mental health conditions, like depression, may have a hard time sustaining an emotional connection with their loved ones during a flare-up.

Others might want to focus on their career, a friend having difficulties, or something else unexpected.

Breakup grief

Experiencing relationship pain can make it tough to become vulnerable with a new partner.

This is especially true if you’re recovering from:

unpleasant breakups
infidelity
unrequited feelings
relationship toxicity or abuse

Any of these can contribute to feelings of low self-esteem, which can make it even more difficult to experience and share intimacy.

Emotional unavailability doesn’t have to be permanent. It’s a complex issue, though, and some underlying causes may be harder to overcome than others.

Change only happens when someone is willing to work at creating it, so you can’t make an emotionally unavailable partner more available.

But you can try these strategies:

Bring up concerning behaviors, like avoiding making plans or sharing feelings.
Point out, compassionately, how those behaviors affect your relationship.
Encourage them to connect with a therapist, or offer to try couples counseling with them.
Offer encouragement and support when they do open up.

If you’re trying to become more emotionally available yourself, the following tips can help.

Identify the cause

Exploring the root issues can give you insight on how to deal with emotional unavailability.

If you’ve gone through a nasty breakup, for example, you may just need some more time before trying to get close to someone again.

But if something more serious, like childhood neglect, affects your ability to get close to others, it’s wise to talk to a therapist. Coping with the effects of trauma or abuse generally requires professional support.

Practice opening up

It’s often helpful to get more comfortable expressing emotions on your own before trying to share them with a romantic partner.

To do this, consider these ideas:

Keep a journal of your feelings.
Use art or music to practice emotional expression.
Talk to trusted people, like close friends or family members, about emotions.
Share emotional issues or vulnerabilities via text first.

Take it slow

Once you realize you’ve been emotionally distant, you might want to begin changing that immediately.

Overnight improvement isn’t realistic, though. True vulnerability takes time, and pushing yourself to open up before you’re ready can sometimes trigger distress or discomfort.

A better approach? Small, gradual changes.

To put it another way, it never hurts to step out of your comfort zone, but you don’t need to leave it completely in the dust.

Involve your partner

As you explore factors contributing to emotional unavailability and work on becoming more available, communicate with your partner about what you learn.

You may have an easier time enlisting their support if they understand why you tend to pull away.

Explore helpful strategies together, such as:

sharing emotions by leaving notes for each other
staying connected via text when you need physical space

Spend time with people in healthy relationships

When emotional unavailability stems from attachment issues or unhealthy relationship patterns, it can help to learn more about what healthy relationships look like.

One way to study healthy relationships involves time in the field. Think of friends or family members in strong, long-term relationships, ideally people you spend a good amount of time with. Pay attention to how they interact with their partners.

This won’t give you a full picture, but it can provide some useful insight.

Talk to a therapist

Emotional unavailability isn’t always something you can work through alone, and that’s OK.

If you continue having trouble with emotional vulnerability and feel distressed about the difficulties it causes in your relationships, a therapist can offer guidance and support.

In therapy, you can work to identify potential causes and take steps to break unhelpful relationship patterns.

If you’re already in a relationship, couples counseling can go a long way to helping you and your partner address any challenges together.

Still have some pressing questions about emotional unavailability? We’ve got answers.

Can emotionally unavailable people fall in love?

Some people don’t find it easy to recognize or express key emotions, like anger or love. But that doesn’t mean they don’t experience those emotions at all.

Emotionally unavailable people can certainly fall in love. They just might have a harder time recognizing when it happens and putting their feelings into words.

Remember, emotional unavailability often stems from a deeper fear of intimacy or rejection — fears that can complicate someone’s experiences with love.

If falling in love feels scary or threatening, it’s only natural that they might want to try and avoid it entirely. When it seems like you’re getting closer, they may pull back to protect themselves.

How do emotionally unavailable people show love?

Just as emotionally unavailable people may not always find it easy to identify feelings of love, they might have a harder time demonstrating affection with words.

They might not say, “I love you” or tell you how much you mean to them. Instead, they might express their feelings through gestures or actions, like doing something nice for you or surprising you with a gift. These actions can make it clear they’re thinking of you.

Maybe they keep that hard-to-find coffee creamer you love stocked in their refrigerator, ready for the mornings after you stay over.

Or you might make an offhand comment about losing your favorite knitted hat. Two weeks later, you’re hanging out when they say, “Oh, yeah, here you go” and pass you a hat, knitted by hand in your favorite colors.

Can emotionally unavailable people miss you?

Someone may not have the emotional availability to carry on a committed relationship, but they can absolutely still care about you. And if you care about someone, you can miss them.

Maybe they won’t necessarily tell you directly, “You know, I really miss you when we’re not together.” But they might try to connect in other ways — by sharing a meme, a joke, or quote from a TV show you both love, for example.

And sure, they could miss you even if they don’t say anything, unless you reach out first. It’s important to consider, though, whether you need more communication for the relationship to work for you.

Emotional unavailability, on either side, can cause a lot of frustration and distress. But it doesn’t mean you have to give up on your relationship.

Talking to your partner, or taking time to explore your own behaviors, can help you start identifying possible issues and working through them productively.

Patience, communication, and support from a therapist can help, especially if you don’t seem to be getting anywhere on your own.

Crystal Raypole writes for Healthline and Psych Central. Her fields of interest include Japanese translation, cooking, natural sciences, sex positivity, and mental health, along with books, books, and more books. In particular, she’s committed to helping decrease stigma around mental health issues. She lives in Washington with her son and a lovably recalcitrant cat.

Emotionally Unavailable: Meaning, Signs, and FAQs

Say you’ve dated someone for about 6 months. You have plenty in common, not to mention great sexual chemistry, but something seems a little off.

Maybe they shy away from conversations about emotional experiences, or talk a lot about their life and interests but never ask about your hobbies.

This apparent lack of investment can make you wonder if they even like you.

But your involvement (whether it’s a relationship or something more casual) continues, so you reason they must have feelings for you.

The good news is they probably do. The bad news is they might be emotionally unavailable.

Recognizing emotional unavailability can be tricky. Many emotionally unavailable people have a knack for making you feel great about yourself and hopeful about the future of your relationship.

But if, after an encouraging start, you never connect more intimately, they might not have the ability to maintain anything beyond casual involvement at the moment.

The signs below can help you recognize emotional unavailability in a partner.

They don’t like making plans

Emotionally unavailable people often show less inclination to make commitments, whether these commitments are minor or more significant.

Maybe you suggest getting together next week. They agree enthusiastically, so you ask what day works for them.

“Let me check and get back to you,” they say, but you never hear back.

Or maybe they say, “I’ll pencil that in.” But when the time comes, they have a great excuse for why they can’t make it.

They call the shots

When you do see each other, they tend to choose what you do — usually an activity that aligns with their typical routine.

They might put on the latest episode of their favorite Netflix show, even though you’ve never seen it. Or maybe they ask you to help them out around the house.

This doesn’t necessarily mean there’s a problem, especially if they seem receptive when you make suggestions.

But if they never ask what you’d like to do, or seem irritated when you don’t want to go along with their plan, it may be time to consider whether the relationship is really serving your needs.

You do all the relationship work

Can’t remember the last time they sent a text that wasn’t a direct reply? Feel a little frustrated they’ve never set up a date or initiated any plans?

If you do all the calling, texting, and planning, there’s a good chance they’re emotionally unavailable. They enjoy spending time with you, certainly, when it works for them. But they don’t want to work for it, either. If you don’t make things happen, they probably won’t.

When you aren’t spending time together, you hear from them only rarely. Maybe they take days to reply to messages or ignore some messages entirely, especially meaningful ones.

They might say, “I’d rather talk about important things in person.” Which sounds great, of course — until they don’t follow up.

They avoid the word ‘relationship’

As long as you keep dating casually, things go pretty well. But when you try to swim to deeper waters, they might make a break for the safer shores of casual dating.

Use caution if someone you’re involved with:

says, “I’m not looking for anything serious” — unless, of course, you also want to keep things casual
talks a lot about a recent ex
talks about unrequited feelings for a friend
says they have a fear of commitment

It’s always possible you caught them at a time when they feel ready to work toward change. Usually, though, someone who says these things means them.

You never seem to grow closer

In the beginning of the relationship, they openly share vulnerabilities or say how much they enjoy spending time together. But things never get serious.

But that’s how emotional unavailability can trap you.

Unless they do some work themselves, you’ll continue investing energy into the relationship with the goal of someday getting closer. Meanwhile, they’ll keep avoiding reciprocation, so you’ll drain yourself until you’re too emotionally exhausted to continue.

They reflect your feelings instead of offering their own

Pay attention to how someone responds when you share emotions.

Do they express their feelings uniquely? Or do they mirror back what you say with, “I feel the same way”?

Not everyone likes to talk about emotions all the time, but in a relationship, it’s important to connect on an emotional level.

If your partner can’t open up, even when you initiate a conversation and ask direct questions, they may be emotionally unavailable.

They show up late or blow off plans

Not keeping commitments or consistently showing up late is a subtle way to keep someone at a distance.

Your partner might still care and even apologize with sincerity.

But they may care more about what they want and have trouble restructuring their life to include you. In other words, they’re not ready to prioritize relationship needs over their own needs.

Maybe some of the above signs resonated with you as traits you’ve noticed in yourself, or things past partners have pointed out to you.

Emotional unavailability doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong. You may not fully realize how it shows up in your relationships.

Here are some signs to keep in mind.

When commitments approach, you want to back out

Last week, you made plans for a date tomorrow. You felt excited then, but now giving up your free time is the last thing you want to do.

You operate by keeping your options open

If you want a committed relationship, at some point you’ll need to focus on one partner (or, in a nonmonogamous relationship, your primary partner).

You might not want to settle for someone who isn’t exactly right. But this mindset can limit your ability to dedicate time and energy to someone you already care for. It’s not always possible to find a “perfect” match, but you can still have a great relationship with someone who falls a little short of complete perfection.

You worry about losing yourself in a relationship

Trust doesn’t come easily to you

When a partner urges you to open up and talk about how you’re feeling, you respond by shutting down or changing the subject.

You keep ending up with emotionally unavailable people

If you have a pattern of relationships with emotionally distant partners, consider whether you’re getting back what you’re putting out.

At first, it might seem easy and fun to date people who don’t ask a lot of you emotionally. But if, deep down, you really want more from a relationship, these flings won’t fulfill you for long.

A number of factors can contribute to emotional unavailability. It’s not uncommon to find more than one cause at the heart of this issue.

Attachment issues

Childhood attachment to primary caregivers can play a significant part in emotional unavailability.

If your caregivers didn’t show interest in your feelings or offer much affection and support, you may have absorbed this as a relationship model.

As an adult, your attachment to romantic partners might follow this pattern and tend toward avoidant.

Temporary circumstances

Others might want to focus on their career, a friend having difficulties, or something else unexpected.

Breakup grief

Experiencing relationship pain can make it tough to become vulnerable with a new partner.

This is especially true if you’re recovering from:

unpleasant breakups
infidelity
unrequited feelings
relationship toxicity or abuse

Any of these can contribute to feelings of low self-esteem, which can make it even more difficult to experience and share intimacy.

Emotional unavailability doesn’t have to be permanent. It’s a complex issue, though, and some underlying causes may be harder to overcome than others.

Change only happens when someone is willing to work at creating it, so you can’t make an emotionally unavailable partner more available.

But you can try these strategies:

Bring up concerning behaviors, like avoiding making plans or sharing feelings.
Point out, compassionately, how those behaviors affect your relationship.
Encourage them to connect with a therapist, or offer to try couples counseling with them.
Offer encouragement and support when they do open up.

If you’re trying to become more emotionally available yourself, the following tips can help.

Identify the cause

Exploring the root issues can give you insight on how to deal with emotional unavailability.

If you’ve gone through a nasty breakup, for example, you may just need some more time before trying to get close to someone again.

Practice opening up

It’s often helpful to get more comfortable expressing emotions on your own before trying to share them with a romantic partner.

To do this, consider these ideas:

Keep a journal of your feelings.
Use art or music to practice emotional expression.
Talk to trusted people, like close friends or family members, about emotions.
Share emotional issues or vulnerabilities via text first.

Take it slow

Once you realize you’ve been emotionally distant, you might want to begin changing that immediately.

Overnight improvement isn’t realistic, though. True vulnerability takes time, and pushing yourself to open up before you’re ready can sometimes trigger distress or discomfort.

A better approach? Small, gradual changes.

To put it another way, it never hurts to step out of your comfort zone, but you don’t need to leave it completely in the dust.

Involve your partner

As you explore factors contributing to emotional unavailability and work on becoming more available, communicate with your partner about what you learn.

You may have an easier time enlisting their support if they understand why you tend to pull away.

Explore helpful strategies together, such as:

sharing emotions by leaving notes for each other
staying connected via text when you need physical space

Spend time with people in healthy relationships

When emotional unavailability stems from attachment issues or unhealthy relationship patterns, it can help to learn more about what healthy relationships look like.

This won’t give you a full picture, but it can provide some useful insight.

Talk to a therapist

Emotional unavailability isn’t always something you can work through alone, and that’s OK.

If you continue having trouble with emotional vulnerability and feel distressed about the difficulties it causes in your relationships, a therapist can offer guidance and support.

In therapy, you can work to identify potential causes and take steps to break unhelpful relationship patterns.

If you’re already in a relationship, couples counseling can go a long way to helping you and your partner address any challenges together.

Still have some pressing questions about emotional unavailability? We’ve got answers.

Can emotionally unavailable people fall in love?

Some people don’t find it easy to recognize or express key emotions, like anger or love. But that doesn’t mean they don’t experience those emotions at all.

Emotionally unavailable people can certainly fall in love. They just might have a harder time recognizing when it happens and putting their feelings into words.

Remember, emotional unavailability often stems from a deeper fear of intimacy or rejection — fears that can complicate someone’s experiences with love.

How do emotionally unavailable people show love?

Just as emotionally unavailable people may not always find it easy to identify feelings of love, they might have a harder time demonstrating affection with words.

Maybe they keep that hard-to-find coffee creamer you love stocked in their refrigerator, ready for the mornings after you stay over.

Can emotionally unavailable people miss you?

Someone may not have the emotional availability to carry on a committed relationship, but they can absolutely still care about you. And if you care about someone, you can miss them.

Emotional unavailability, on either side, can cause a lot of frustration and distress. But it doesn’t mean you have to give up on your relationship.

Talking to your partner, or taking time to explore your own behaviors, can help you start identifying possible issues and working through them productively.

Patience, communication, and support from a therapist can help, especially if you don’t seem to be getting anywhere on your own.

5 reasons why you are attracted to emotionally unavailable guys - HEROINE

Our desires and actions often contradict each other: those who say they want mutual, serious, stable love are actually drawn to people who cannot give them this. We understand why we are attracted to emotionally unavailable partners.

Who is an emotionally unavailable person

An emotionally unavailable person is someone who experiences great discomfort from getting close to other people and developing a healthy attachment. He can be withdrawn, closed to emotional support, act inconsistently, and give mixed signals. Sometimes he suddenly becomes affectionate, but as soon as it seems to you that everything is fine and you have become close, he steps back: disappears or does something offensive. nine0003

Communication with such a guy can be pleasant and interesting, but it will not work to build a deep connection. There are several reasons why people are drawn to such partners. Let's talk about them in more detail.

1. You like a challenge

One thing that cannot be blamed on an emotionally available partner is predictability. Today he writes dozens of messages, openly flirts so that by the evening you are sure that you are in a relationship. Tomorrow he disappears, answers reluctantly and coldly. Now you (or rather your vanity) want only one thing - to return the guy's favor and again feel that he is interested in you. nine0003

We date emotionally unavailable people because we get little nuggets of attention or signs that the person cares about us, says relationship counselor Share L. Josie. “It can show up in the way the person responds to our calls or text messages. If a person initiates communication, it strengthens our desire for more.

You can continue to communicate with an emotionally unavailable person in the hope that eventually you will get his attention. Make sure you don't change goals, and you are driven by interest in the guy himself, and not by the desire to "win." nine0003

2. It's about your attachment style

Psychology Today explains that attachment style is how you behave in a relationship. There are four types, but in the case of emotionally unavailable people, only two are important to us: people with an anxious type of attachment and a dismissive-avoidant. The former usually do not feel safe in a relationship, so they tend to constantly check on their partners. Avoidant people may push the person away or shut down in emotionally vulnerable situations, such as when they are required to confess their feelings. nine0003

There is a relationship cycle called the chase/distancing cycle and the demand/refusal cycle, explains individual and couples psychotherapist Tara Vossenkemper. “One person is chasing and leaning into the pressure, while the other continues to distance and pull out of the pressure. And this may be a product of our attachment style.

An emotionally unavailable person, as a rule, has an avoidant type of attachment. If you constantly find yourself in the role of a stalker, the reason may be that you have an anxious type. In this case, it is worth contacting a specialist and discussing how to form a safer and healthier type of attachment. nine0003

3. You do not believe that there is a healthy long-term relationship

If you perceive love as a test in advance and are convinced that any relationship leads to suffering, this can contribute to the formation of a model of dating an emotionally unavailable partner. Often people subconsciously seek out those who can't be with them because they believe they deserve it. As the relationship expert points out:

We tend to repeat the pattern of dating emotionally unavailable people because it fits some basic understanding of ourselves (I'm not good enough or attractive enough), or it may fit our understanding of relationships that comes from our parents' relationship. . nine0003

Low self-esteem can lead you to look for relationships that are doomed to failure. In this case, it is important to first understand your beliefs, believe that you deserve a healthy stable relationship, and only then look for someone with whom you can create them.

4. Your parents were emotionally unavailable

Parents have a lot of influence on how you build relationships with people in the future. If they were emotionally unavailable and their love and approval always had to be earned, this would lead to a search for such people in adulthood. nine0003

One reason we may be attracted to emotionally unavailable people is because one or both of our parents are emotionally unavailable, says therapist Elizabeth Kush. We model, give meaning, find solace, and base our assessments of the world on our childhood experiences. We look for similar, comfortable and familiar situations and people who reinforce our past experiences.

5. You hope to change him

Sometimes, when we meet an emotionally unavailable person, we think that with time he will change. But here it is important to understand that your efforts in this regard are meaningless - he can change only if he wants to and sets out to form a serious attachment. nine0003

According to family therapist Cathy Siskind, sometimes people are attracted to emotionally unavailable people because they are too caring. In a relationship, this can be dangerous because it leads to codependency.

Constant attempts to please a partner, to get approval, the desire to take on as many worries as possible, destroys self-esteem and emotionally drains.

You want to help your partner and at the same time expect him to show gratitude and love, but if the partner is emotionally unavailable, this becomes a vicious circle. nine0003

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7 signs of an emotionally unavailable partner

Let's start with the main thing: it is really difficult for an emotionally unavailable person to share his feelings and really get close to other people. As a rule, there is a crisis of trust and a fear of intimacy behind this - this causes him to be fickle and avoid relationships. nine0003

Usually the reasons for this are a complex intricacies of personality traits and painful experiences (especially loss, rejection or abandonment). All this forms the style of behavior with others.

Such people are often called toxic or narcissistic traits are attributed to them. Sometimes this is true, but more often it is not. Early loss or the painful experience of rejection can indeed be difficult to bear. And the extreme degree of natural shyness makes a person close against his will. nine0003

It can be difficult for these people to let go of their defenses, the prospect of intimacy with others scares them so much. What else makes them different?

1. They are afraid of deep conversations

It is not easy for them to plunge into the world of feelings and emotions - they are ready to listen to a partner, but only for the time being. At the moment when it becomes completely unbearable, they simply change the subject, and when they are required to make any commitments, they feel cornered.

2. Intimacy for them always coexists with fear

Love and intimacy for them always comes with a "makeweight" in the form of inevitable (as it seems to them) conflicts, life dramas or potential rejection - everything that happened to them before.

3. They have real trust problems

If a person has suffered a lot, it is difficult for him to enter into any relationship with an open heart - it is too scary to be vulnerable again and experience new pain.

4. They do not know how to express feelings

Often emotionally unavailable people simply do not have the skill of expressing everything that is on their souls. This does not mean that experiences are alien to them, they just do not know how to share them. nine0003

5. Often they easily and quickly cut off ties with people

Moreover, any ties, including family ones. Which, of course, brings a lot of suffering to others. But at the same time, the person himself is sure that it will be easier this way than painfully choosing words and explaining himself, risking offending another.

6. They often choose a relationship at a distance

Or they enter into a relationship with a person who is not free - it's easier to keep the distance they need and not take the “next step”. nine0003

7. They are interested in others, slowly opening up in response

Asking questions and listening to answers is easier for them than talking about themselves. And the interlocutor, as a rule, such attention and interest is extremely pleasant - until it becomes clear that he himself did not know anything about the partner.

What to do - run away?

First of all, you need to understand that not all emotionally unavailable people are toxic. Most are not to blame for the chosen style of behavior, moreover, they usually have good reasons.

Learn more