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My sister is a narcissistic sociopath


Help! My Sister is a Narcissist

Last Updated on August 15, 2022 by Alexander Burgemeester

There’s an unwritten rule that we have to love our family unconditionally, so admitting that your sister is a narcissist can make you feel guilty or ashamed.

But dealing with a narcissistic sister can be exhausting and wear down your self-esteem.

Is your childhood filled with memories of having to hide your achievements in fear of your sister punishing you for them?

Did she blame you for her bad behavior then sit back happily while you got punished?

Did you find yourself going along with her lies because it was easier to keep the peace than have to deal with her bullying?

Table of Contents:

  • 8 Signs of a Narcissistic Sister
  • 7 Ways to Deal with a Narcissistic Sister
  • Healing from a Narcissistic Sister

If you’ve experienced any of this kind of behavior from your sister, you may have been dealing with a narcissist.

This post outlines the signs and symptoms of a narcissistic sister and some tips for dealing with one.

Whether you have a severely narcissistic sister or a milder one, this post will provide you with support and guidance. You are not alone! 

8 Typical Signs and Behavior of a Narcissistic Sister

If you have a difficult relationship with your sister but are unsure whether you’re dealing with a narcissist,

first ask yourself if you actually enjoy spending time with her. Do you find it exhaustive instead?

If you feel anxiety and dread before seeing her, this is the first sign that something is wrong.

If you find it difficult to talk to her and never quite know which side of her you’re going to see, this is a sign she could be a narcissist.

Here are some other tell-tale signs to look out for:

1. She believes she is more important than you

If she thinks she deserves more recognition from the rest of your family than you, this could be a clear sign she is narcissistic.

Behavior that reflects this could include constantly making ‘jokes’ about being more intelligent than you or being better at sport (and everything) than you. 

2. She has to be the Center of Attention

No matter the occasion, she just has to be the center of attention at all times.

Even if it’s your birthday or your graduation ceremony, she’ll find a way to make it about her.

This shows in dominant behaviors that result in a shift of attention from you to her.

Narcissists strongly need validation, appreciation, and affirmation (2).

She is always looking for these to fulfill her narcissistic supply and will do anything to get them. 

3. She feels entitled to everything

She thinks she is the superior sibling and is therefore entitled to all of your parent’s attention, a better job, a better partner, a better family…a better everything.

She may even feel entitled to more inheritance than you, it’s not a nice thought, but you might want to ensure you get your fair share when/if the time comes.  

Suggested Reading: How to deal with your Narcissistic Sibling?

This could have started with small things when you were kids.

For example, she decides she wants the chocolate-flavored cupcake even though you already picked it out earlier and kicks up a fuss until she gets what she wants.

Behaviors in adulthood may include monopolizing conversations to show everyone how important she is (3).

She will listen to others only for the chance to pull the conversation back to her and boast about how incredible she is.

You might feel like you owe her something when really you don’t owe her anything at all.

Years of her acting entitled have trained you to think this is true.

If you have felt an inequality between you and your sister from a young age, and it doesn’t seem to be changing in adulthood, this is a huge sign you have a narcissistic sister. 

4. She doesn’t recognize your feelings

Narcissists suffer from a complete lack of empathy and are often only aware of their own feelings (4).

Your narcissistic sister will be unable to put herself in your shoes and will be unaware of any harm she has caused you.

You may notice she has no interest in hearing about your stories and struggles but loves telling you all about her own and will take great offense if you don’t listen. 

5. She is a pathological liar

If you notice that she often exaggerates things – particularly her own achievements – this can be a sign that you are dealing with a narcissistic sister.

She may even lie about small everyday things, just for its fun!

Reading Suggestion: 5 Signs of a Narcissistic Sibling

These lies may snowball into over the top stories that get harder and harder to believe.

If you say you don’t remember it like that or press her for more details, she’ll get angry at you for questioning her and turn the blame on you to make the rest of the family feel sorry for her.

She may even purposely make up lies about you to hurt your reputation and your place in the family.  

6. She is extremely jealous of you

Despite the way she acts as if she is better than you in every way, a narcissistic sister will actually be extremely envious of you and will consider you her rival (5).

She will hate it when you get any kind of praise and will always try to win your parents attention.

Gaslighting is a behavior that is strongly associated with this.

She feels the sibling rivalry so much that she will create stories about you to make you look crazy or weak.

This may involve actively smearing your name in front of family and friends or more subtle techniques like planting small suggestions that you are unstable. 

—-> Read our article “Why do Narcissists get jealous?” to read more about this topic

7. She changes how she behaves around different people

For example, she acts sweet and innocent around your parents to get their attention and admiration, and then completely changes when you are alone together.

She may even present different personalities to you alone, sometimes acting the devoted sister and others a complete bully.

Narcissists are experts at playing different roles and wearing different masks to get what they want, so watch out for this (6). 

8. She uses triangulation to alienate you

Triangulation is a tactic narcissists are known to use often and it involves purposely pitting people against each other using lies and manipulation (7).

Suppose you notice your sister often tells you what other family members have said about you behind your back. In that case,

this is a sure sign she is using triangulation to ensure you don’t unite with other family members against her.

She aims to keep a safe distance between you and your other family members so you won’t form bonds without including her.

This way she can manipulate you all and none of you will be able to connect the dots. 

—-> Want to know more about Triangulation? Read my article: What is Narcissist Triangulation 6 Ways to stop the Triangulation

How to deal with a narcissistic sister?

There is no ‘one size fits all’ way to deal with a narcissistic sister, as each individual will be different, with different toxicity levels.

But these are some general dos and don’ts that may help you deal with your narcissistic sister. 

1. Don’t call her a narcissist

In general, narcissists struggle to reflect on their own behavior so calling her out will have no effect, as she won’t be able to see that she actually has a problem.

Instead, she will probably insist you’re the one with the problem and will do everything she can to prove it.

So, calling her a narcissist could actually make your relationship worse. 

2. Don’t argue with her

For the same reason, arguing won’t help. She will not gain any insights from your feedback, or even listen to it at all, so don’t waste your breath.

Resist the urge to defend yourself when she insists you’re the problem, as getting a reaction from you will be exactly what she wants.

Don’t try to outsmart her or play her at her own game, as this will only drain your energy and make her more intent on winning.

Trying not to engage emotionally is a much better option, as you won’t be adding any fuel to the fire.  

3. Focus on your choices

Remember that just because she’s your sister, doesn’t mean you have to spend time with her.

You can choose to avoid her, limit your time together or have someone else with you when you see her, so you are not alone together.

You can choose to set clear boundaries when it comes to interacting with her. 

4. Set clear boundaries

While you can’t control your sister’s narcissistic behavior, you can control your own.

Instead of trying to change her, look at how you can change your own habits to support yourself.

Look at the ways you tolerate her narcissistic behavior and how this might actually be supporting it.

A narcissistic child often takes over the family dynamic, demanding the most attention (8).

You may have gotten used to dealing with this, but you can withdraw your participation anytime.

Start shutting her down if she speaks to you disrespectfully or tries to insult you, rather than just letting it slip.

Remember, it’s never too late to set clear boundaries and it’s actually better to do it sooner rather than later!

Communicate your boundaries clearly, so there can be no confusion, and observe whether this method helps or if she becomes more toxic and needy when you try to walk away.

She will choose to respect or violate your boundaries, so this method can be very telling. 

5. Gain knowledge about narcissism

The more knowledge you have about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, the better you’ll be able to deal with it.

Accept the fact that you have a narcissistic sister and you have to deal with it if you want to continue having her in your life.

Become aware of what is unhealthy about your relationship and let go of certain expectations you may have.

Remember, it’s not your fault and there are ways you can cope. Clarity about the situation will help you to decide the best way to move forward. 

6. Get support

Dealing with a narcissistic sister can wear down your self-esteem so it’s important to seek support for yourself.

This can be from friends and other family members who understand or professionals such as counselors and lawyers if need be.

Seeking support will give you some perspective and help you to see that you have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about.

Talking about how your narcissistic sister has affected your life will give you strength and help you seek out the best course of action when dealing with her.

However, you end up handling the situation, know that you are not alone and there is plenty of help out there. 

7. Go no contact

If you feel like you’ve tried everything to cope with your narcissistic sister but she isn’t going down without a fight and is still insisting on making your life hell, going no contact could be your only option.

Yes, she’s your family but if she is causing you harm, you have every right to cut ties.

Just because someone is your blood, doesn’t necessarily mean you have to have them in your life.

It may not be easy at first, but remember your health and happiness is more important than anything else.

Try the ‘Grey Rock’ method which involves refraining from reacting to anyway a narcissist tries to contact you.

If you stop representing a source of narcissistic supply to them, eventually they will leave you alone and you will be free to heal.

Of course, this isn’t the only way of dealing with a narcissistic sister and should be a last resort, but may be necessary in extremely abusive situations. 

Low Contact or No Contact with Your Narcissistic Sister?

Should you go No contact with your Narcsissitic Sister or is it better to maintain low contact?

The boring answer for this is “It depends”. If, for some reason, it is impossible to break all contact, you should consider using the tips I mentioned above.

However, if there is nothing more you can gain from the relationship with your sister you should consider going No contact.

Maintaining contact can cause stress, fights, and more unpleasant situations you did not sign up for.

Try to find support with another family member or if that is not available, a life coach or psychologist.

They will listen to you and advise you on what you can do. In the end, only you can decide what it is you want to do.

Healing from a narcissistic sister

As narcissists often fail to see their disruptive behavior, they are unlikely to change their ways (9).

It is possible, through therapy and counseling for narcissists to get more in touch with their empathy, which can allow them to have more healthy relationships.

But this requires them to realize they have a problem and understand their own narcissistic tendencies.

Most often, accepting that your narcissistic sister will not change and taking your healing into your own hands is the best route to take.

Setting boundaries and putting yourself first makes it possible to keep your sister in your life and deal with her narcissistic ways.

However, there are varying levels of severity and toxicity so it is up to you to choose if it is worth having her in your life or if you need to heal alone.  

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References used for this Article

  1. Torgersen, S. Epidemiology. Oldham JM, Skodol AE, Bender DS. The American Psychiatric Publishing Textbook of Personality Disorders. Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Publishing; 2005. 129-141.
  2. Behary, W. T. (2013). Disarming the narcissist: surviving and thriving with the Self-Absorbed. new harbinger publications.
  3. de Vries, M. F. K. (2019). Mission (Im) possible: Dealing with Narcissistic Executives. In Down the Rabbit Hole of Leadership (pp. 67-71). Palgrave Macmillan, Cham.
  4. Ritter, K., Dziobek, I., Preißler, S., Rüter, A., Vater, A., Fydrich, T., … & Roepke, S. (2011). Lack of empathy in patients with narcissistic personality disorder. Psychiatry research, 187(1-2), 241-247.
  5. Finzi-Dottan, R., & Cohen, O. (2010). Young adult sibling relations: The effects of perceived parental favoritism and narcissism.  The Journal of Psychology, 145(1), 1-22.
  6. Pincus, A. L., & Lukowitsky, M. R. (2010). Pathological narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder. Annual review of clinical psychology, 6, 421-446.
  7. Krizan, Z., & Johar, O. (2012). Envy divides the two faces of narcissism. Journal of personality, 80(5), 1415-1451.
  8. Brodey, W. M. (1965). On the dynamics of narcissism: I. Externalization and early ego development. The Psychoanalytic study of the child, 20(1), 165-193.
  9. Hepper, E. G., Hart, C. M., & Sedikides, C. (2014). Moving Narcissus: Can narcissists be empathic?. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 40(9), 1079-1091.

How to Deal With a Narcissistic Family Member & How To Recognize One

An estimated 5% of the U.S population may have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), which means over 16 million people might experience the condition. With that many people experiencing NPD, there is a fairly high probability you know someone who is severely narcissistic. When confronted with toxic narcissism, removing yourself from the relationship is often the best course of action. But what can you do when that person is a family member?

  • How to Recognize a Narcissist
  • How to Deal With a Narcissistic Family Member
    • Avoid Direct Confrontation
    • Don’t Accept Harmful Behaviors
    • Focus on Choices
    • Set Limits
    • Get Support and Professional Counseling

Below, we’ll help you deal with a narcissistic family member by explaining how to recognize a true narcissist and the steps to take to protect your own mental health. Keep reading for practical tips for interacting with a loved one who has NPD without sacrificing your well-being or your familial ties.

How to Recognize a Narcissist

Narcissism is far more complex than mere vanity or selfish tendencies. True narcissism is a diagnosable personality disorder known as narcissistic personality disorder. NPD is described by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) as a pattern of grandiosity, the need for admiration and a lack of empathy. An individual with NPD is fixated on their own uniqueness, self-importance and sense of entitlement.

Essentially, narcissism is characterized by a lack of empathy or desire to genuinely understand others’ needs. Someone with NPD is often solely concerned with themselves and their needs, unable to properly process or engage with the world around them. Instead, a narcissist operates as though everything they embody — their needs, ideas, accomplishments, problems and more — are a higher priority than anyone else’s.

The sense of entitlement someone with NPD has can be so extreme, they expect unreasonable special treatment and will do whatever it takes to be the center of everyone’s universe — for better or for worse. This need to be the center of attention and lack of awareness for others’ emotions often leads to toxic behavior.

While the symptoms of NPD may take many forms, they are linked by entitlement, self-importance and a disregard for the needs and feelings of others. Here are some of the main signs of NPD to look out for:

 

  • Preoccupied with self: Someone with NPD can be consumed with disproportionate senses of self-concern, self-centeredness and self-consciousness. Their strong feelings of entitlement may lead them to expect constant attention and admiration from others.
  • Unrealistic expectations: The expectations of constant attention and admiration are paired with more unrealistic expectations that others will instantly comply with all their wishes without question. A narcissist’s entitlement can make them think they deserve special accommodations and favors.
  • Dehumanizing others: Those with NPD might interact with people based on whether they believe that person can offer something beneficial to them, such as social status, a job or emotional fulfillment. If a narcissist determines that person has failed them, they will most often devalue or discard them. In this way, narcissists view people as means rather than individuals. 
  • Lack of empathy: Narcissists often lack empathy as a result of dehumanizing others. Someone with NPD might not attempt to understand the perspective or feelings of anyone besides themselves, resulting in a lack of compassion and remorse for any wrongdoings.
  • Obsession with appearances: Narcissists can be fixated with beauty and other aspects of their appearance to others, such as wealth, fame, success and reputation. A narcissist commonly fantasizes about great success, power and beauty.
  • Pride: Being obsessed with appearances can cultivate a prideful personality. A narcissist might come off as vain or immodest as a result of their pride.
  • Exaggeration: To boost their appearance and importance, an individual with NPD might exaggerate their skills and accomplishments.
  • Inability to accept criticism: Because a narcissist has a sense of pride and a high view of themselves, they are often sensitive to negative feedback and criticism, even if it is constructive. A narcissist can become defensive or angry at even the slightest criticism, making it challenging to call them out for their problematic patterns of behavior.
  • Envy: A person with NPD needs to constantly feel like the most successful and powerful person in the room. If they feel as though someone else is outshining them, they can quickly become jealous and may try to knock the other person down. Due to sibling rivalries, envy is one of the most common narcissistic sibling characteristics.
  • Mood swings: Someone with NPD is often psychologically fragile and might struggle to regulate their emotions. This inability to properly balance their feelings can result in aggressive impulses, verbal assaults and manipulation.
  • Broken or strained relationships: Narcissists tend to have difficulties within their relationships because loved ones may not tolerate put-downs, contempt and carelessness. Often, people reach a breaking point and have to cut ties with a narcissist.
  • Low self-esteem: Despite the outward appearance, those with NPD may not love themselves as they want others to believe they do. Feelings of superiority are usually rooted in a deep sense of insecurity. They typically express poor self-esteem via self-deprecation or arrogance, working hard to overcompensate for their lack of confidence.
  • Need for approval: A narcissist’s lack of self-esteem drives them to actively seek validation from others. Whether the narcissist’s inadequacies are real or imagined, they experience a significant need for approval from other people.

It is important to remember that narcissistic qualities run along a spectrum. While we all can go through bouts of selfishness or self-consciousness, there is a difference between having a few narcissistic characteristics and having NPD. Those who feel they may be a narcissist most likely are not one because true narcissists lack the empathetic sort of self-reflection required to wonder whether they have a personality disorder.

In the same way we should avoid self-diagnosing NPD, we should resist deeming others to be narcissists. Only a psychiatrist or qualified therapist should examine and diagnose anyone’s mental health and possible personality disorders. But we can identify the narcissistic traits we observe in others to try to avoid getting caught in a toxic relationship.

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How to Deal With a Narcissistic Family Member

Many times, cutting a person who displays severely narcissistic qualities out of your life is the most viable and effective way to prevent further emotional trauma or abuse. This decision may not be an option if you are related to or living with someone who has NPD. When leaving is not an option, you need a new set of strategies for dealing with a narcissistic family member.

Discover how to deal with a narcissist you can’t avoid with these tips:

1. Avoid Direct Confrontation

Because those with NPD are extremely sensitive to criticism, calling a true narcissist a narcissist typically backfires and worsens the situation. Regardless of any good intent behind the criticism or how constructive it is, those with NPD cannot reflect on their own behavior enough to see any truth behind the accusation. Instead, they typically become obsessed with proving you’re the one with a problem and demanding an apology.

If you feel you have to address the issue, try to be smart about how you have the conversation. Someone with NPD will only be receptive to negative feedback delivered in small doses and laden with flattery. Instead of launching right into the discussion with your grievances against them, offer compliments first.

Specifically, try using the compliment sandwich approach, which involves both opening and closing the conversation with positive remarks about the person you’re talking with. For instance, begin by sharing what you love about them, then mention how they could change their behavior to improve your relationship. End with how confident you are they will be successful in making these changes.

2. Don’t Accept Harmful Behaviors

For the same reason it is typically futile to confront a narcissist, it’s unwise to argue with one. An argument with a narcissist can also quickly turn to verbal abuse due to their lack of empathy and interpersonal skills. Someone with NPD may even be able to manipulate you into believing you are the one with a problem by gaslighting you — a specific type of manipulation that involves getting someone to question their own reality.

Because those with NPD are concerned with themselves and tend to see themselves as the hero, they may attempt to blame you for their behaviors. They view themselves as victims because they refuse to recognize they may play a part in any problem. Continuing to argue with a narcissist will only reaffirm their preconception that you are the one attacking them. Instead, disengage from the conversation and do whatever you can to remove yourself from the situation.

If your toxic narcissistic family member becomes aggressive, abusive or emotionally manipulative, you must make it clear you will not accept that kind of behavior.

3. Focus on Choices

One key to dealing with a narcissist is focusing on choices, both yours and theirs. People with NPD often insist others treat them unfairly and don’t give them the respect they’re due. They fail to see how their own behaviors could impact the way others interact with them. When a narcissistic family member starts talking like this, simply remind them they have some choices in the situation. For example, remind them they can change how they act or who they choose to be around.

Keep in mind that you have choices, too. Even if you can’t completely eliminate contact with someone who has NPD, you can still take measures to protect yourself and make their behavior less harmful to you. You can choose to limit your time with them or make sure someone else is always around so you are never alone with them.

When restricting your contact with a narcissistic family member, clearly communicate your boundaries. Make sure they know you will break off contact if certain behaviors persist, and be specific about the circumstances and how you will respond. You can tell a narcissist you want to spend time with them, for instance, but if they make insulting comments about your career, you will have to leave the room. This technique puts the ball in their court by allowing them to choose whether or not to comply.

4. Set Limits

Unfortunately, those with NPD do not often have a sense of boundaries. They might resort to manipulating others to meet their needs. Although you cannot control the behaviors of a narcissist, you can control your own. Family members of a narcissist often become accustomed to enabling narcissists to avoid a fight. But you can refuse to participate in this cycle any longer by setting limits on what you will do.

You may stop allowing your narcissistic family member to speak to you disrespectfully anymore or quit agreeing with any disparaging words they share about others. You may also stop replying to texts so frequently or set a time limit on your phone conversations to avoid listening to rants.

Be prepared for the possibility that your narcissistic family member does not respect your boundaries. Those with NPD tend to view themselves as the most important person in the world. Despite your best efforts to reach a compromise, the only effective solution may be to cut off contact completely. If this is the case, there is no shame in cutting ties for the sake of your own mental health.

5. Get Support and Professional Counseling

When dealing with a toxic narcissistic family member, it’s essential to have a strong support system and receive counseling from a mental health professional. Dealing with a narcissistic loved one can feel lonely and induce low self-esteem due to all the insults, public humiliation and other forms of abuse. Try to be gentle with yourself and protect yourself from being gaslit into believing you’re the one at fault.

With the support of friends and professional counselors, you can gain perspective and learn you don’t need to be ashamed or embarrassed about your situation. Discussing what you’re going through with a counselor can help boost your confidence and help you decide on the best approach to interacting with your narcissistic family member.

Whether you decide to cut ties or get the distance you need in another way, counseling can offer the resources you need to stop enabling a narcissistic family member while remaining connected as a family.

Related Articles & Resources:
  1. 10 Ways To Set Boundaries With Difficult Family Members
  2. Signs of Gaslighting and How to Respond
  3. When Is It Time To Ask For Help?
  4. Why Do I Attract Toxic People?
  5. Family Counseling
  6. Individual Counseling

 

who is a perverted narcissist? - T&P

Moral violence, or abuse, in the Russian context is considered almost a phenomenon that lies within the framework of social norms - however, in reality, it is often the result of a narcissistic personality disorder. For a healthy person, such communication can be very destructive and can cause deep depression. T&P talk about how to identify a moral abuser and fight back.

What is narcissism? nine0006

The word "abuse" itself is translated from English as "violence" and "abuse". Abuse in interpersonal relationships is familiar to most of us - but not everyone knows that they may not be the result of neglect, but the result of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), which affects one of the participants in the relationship. This pathology occurs in a significant number of people: from 1 to 8% of the total population of the planet, according to various estimates. According to the DSM-V international classification of diseases, it can be defined by the general signs of a personality disorder (grand conceit, fantasies of unlimited power or ideal love, belief in one's "exclusivity", the need for an exaggerated expression of delight in one's address, the illusion of one's own special rights, a tendency to exploit people, lack of empathy, envy and arrogant attitude towards people), which are accompanied by specific disorders in the work of the individual and in the process of building interpersonal relationships. nine0007

A person with a narcissistic disorder is self-focused, obsessed with the idea of ​​his own greatness and superiority, clinically incapable of empathy and does not feel guilty for wrongdoing. He devalues ​​what is connected with others and idealizes what is connected with himself. At the same time, the narcissist does not suffer from hallucinations, does not show signs of manic states, and generally gives the impression of a completely healthy person.

Perverted narcissists do not choose weak or insecure people as their "victims". Their target audience is bright wise men and smart people. nine0007

Of course, not every person with NRL will start doing atrocities if you get close to him. As with any mental health diagnosis, this one has a fairly wide gradient, so that the patient may or may not be aware of the problem, or may not be fully aware of it, fight or not, stubbornly change therapists in search of a truly effective treatment, or methodically bring partners to suicide.

With proper organization and planning, the home office is not a punishment but an opportunity. For business - to save resources, for employees - to get rid of the feeling that life is passing by. If you do not neglect the rules of the organization, learn management at a distance, use modern technologies and systems, you can set up an effective home office for employees in just one day. More about the BeeFREE solution from Beeline Business at the link. nine0007

Really dangerous for others is a type called “perverted narcissist”. This definition was first voiced by the French doctor of psychiatry, specialist in the field of victimology and criminology, Marie-France Yrigoyen, author of the book Moral Harassment. A distinctive quality of perverted narcissists is the ability to turn any situation on its head, distorting its details and partner's conclusions ("perverted" - from the Latin "pervertere" - "pervert, twist"). It is they who choose moral violence as an instrument of interpersonal relations, and it is not easy to get away from them without crippling the psyche. nine0007

How do you spot a perverted narcissist?

Perverse narcissists do not choose weak or insecure people as their "victims". Their target audience is bright smart people, open, successful, impressionable, full of optimism and vitality. Often relationships with perverted narcissists end for their spouses and friends with clinical depression and suicide, even more often with psychological traumas that then heal for years, if they heal at all. nine0007

A perverted narcissist can be identified by their distinctive behaviors, which they usually fail to fully disguise despite their developed adaptive skills and brilliant image. In general, the following details should alert the potential “victim”.

1) The person speaks negatively about past partners, verbally blaming them for problems or a breakup.

2) A person is not inclined to plead guilty and shifts responsibility to others. nine0007

3) After getting to know this person, the partner began to sleep less, eat poorly, lose weight, become dizzy in his presence, or faced other unpleasant changes in the state of health. It is generally accepted that lovers and friends of perverted narcissists begin to lose psychosomatics early, and this happens even against the background of an apparent absence of problems.

4) A person seeks to bind a partner to himself as early as possible, up to marriage or moving.

© Sara Andreasson

5) Perverted narcissists sometimes have "inhuman reactions", although in general such people carefully monitor their behavior. Like patients with psychopathy, they do not experience emotions in the conventional sense of the word, but they imitate them perfectly. Narcissists are able to observe those around them, calculating successful mechanisms of influence, but in unusual circumstances they can show insensitivity, a lust for power, or anything else that lies outside the scope of normal reactions. For example, such a person is able to tell how “well” he punished the offender (and the punishment will look disproportionate to the offense), how witty he used someone, or how interesting it is to watch other people suffer. nine0007

How does abuse work?

The first stage of a relationship with a perverted narcissist is sometimes referred to by researchers as the "honeymoon. " During this period, a partner can come to visit his “superhero” and find that he has prepared his favorite dish from childhood, or find an exact copy of a long-lost precious pendant on his desk, or get tickets to Bora Bora for a birthday party.

"Honeymoon" looks perfect, but can't last forever. After all, in the place of self-esteem in a perverted narcissist, figuratively speaking, there is a gaping bottomless hole into which all the delights of others and his own achievements are sucked in vain. Due to a personality disorder in the depths of his soul, such a person feels insignificant, experiences desperate envy and anger. The lack of empathy does not allow him to empathize, and the illusion of his own greatness does not allow him to perceive other people as equals. For a while, the narcissist manages to hold back negative feelings (solely for strategic reasons), but then his patience ends. nine0007

The laws of communication are depreciated, respect disappears, and from a precious chosen one or dear friend, the second person quickly turns into a disenfranchised violator.

The moment this happens, the "honeymoon" ends and the so-called "ice shower" stage begins. A prince or princess suddenly, often in just one terrible day, turns into an unpredictable aggressive creature that attacks a partner with the cruelty of a chimera and manages to turn his whole picture of the world upside down in a few hours. The laws of communication are depreciated, respect disappears, and from a precious chosen one or dear friend, the second person quickly turns into a disenfranchised violator. nine0007

As is normal for a mentally healthy person, a lover or friend of an NPD patient in such a situation is likely to begin to suspect that there is some guilt in what happened. This is exactly what the perverted narcissist needs. At the second stage of the relationship, his task is to destroy the partner’s self-esteem, humiliate him and thus assert himself. This is why such people tend to keep partners close, resurrecting honeymoon circumstances as necessary, and then reassuming their basic aggressive form. nine0007

Boycott and inexplicability

Despite the fact that from the point of view of the victim the behavior of a perverted narcissist looks unpredictable, in reality this person uses recognizable tricks, which are described in detail in the first Russian-language book on communication techniques for patients with NPD - "Be afraid, I you” by the writer and journalist Tatyana Kokina-Slavina:

• “an attack of anger”, when a narcissist in a harmless situation suddenly shows wild rage;

• gross violation of an important promise or defiant failure to fulfill obligations; nine0007

• "accidental" disclosure of a shameful secret, which becomes available due to the stuffing of compromising evidence;

• pause in communication not agreed upon with the partner, i.e. boycott;

• a statement about an alleged breakup or a frank hint that a breakup may occur, presenting a list of conditions;

• perceptible but unmotivated cooling of relations.

Of course, all of the above can happen in a relationship without NPD, healthy or not, for a variety of reasons. The following criteria can be used to correctly assess the circumstances and test them “for narcissism”:

• the presence of a strong negative emotional response,

• the suddenness of the antics and the absence of clear motives,

• the denial of what happened on the part of the alleged narcissist.

Such denial can take the form of gaslighting, one of the methods of psychological abuse, which is designed to dissuade the partner from what he clearly saw, confuse him and lead to false conclusions. Typical phrases in this case sound like “there was nothing like that”, “I don’t understand what you mean”, “you complicate everything”, “you overreact to ordinary remarks”, etc. As a rule, such an onslaught greatly deprives balance, so that a person really begins to doubt himself. nine0007

An ugly scene after the "honeymoon" completes the first circle of relationships, and after that communication becomes cyclical. The positive phases begin to gradually narrow, the negative phases grow, so that the relationship becomes like a manic-depressive disorder, and codependency forms between partners. “Be prepared for more and more frequent cycles,” says Israeli writer and narcissist researcher Sam Vaknin, author of Surviving the Narcissist, Malignant Self-Love, How to Divorce a Narcissist and a Psychopath, and more. The narcissist idealizes, and then devalues ​​and discounts the object of its original idealization. This sharp, heartless depreciation is aggression. The narcissist exploits, lies, makes no sense, insults, ignores, manipulates, controls. The narcissist is built almost entirely on control. This is a primitive and immature reaction to circumstances in which the narcissist, most often in childhood, was helpless. nine0007

© Sara Andreasson

Perverted narcissists often refer to their partners as "hypersensitive" and prone to creating problems out of the blue. A person is steadily losing his rights in communication with him: the right to ask questions and receive answers, to talk about his feelings and get angry. Anger and discontent turn out to be "unreasonable" or "irrational." Indeed, in order to gain complete power over the partner and legitimize the absence of human feelings, the perverted narcissist needs to depersonalize him, destroying his "I". nine0007

In the second stage of the relationship, the perverted narcissist has two recognizable tools: "hold tactics" in dialogue and "water torture". The first technique is usually expressed in the fact that the discussion of relationships, as well as the ability to express one's thoughts and feelings, is blocked. The narcissist diverts the topic of conversation, digresses into other things, reduces the conversation to a joke, puts it off for later, taunts, complains about feeling unwell, and devalues ​​the interlocutor in other ways. For example, patients with NPD often display a hostile coldness that is denied. This strategy allows them to make their partner angry and cry, then to ridicule his anger and thus humiliate him. nine0007

"Water torture" performed without raising the voice. In the process, the narcissist twists, turns inside out, and brings to the point of absurdity the partner's words without removing the bored haughty mask. Of course, not everyone can stand such treatment, so many narcissists lose their victims at some point. This causes fear and even panic in them, so that the methods of moral violence are instantly replaced by a new "honeymoon". This game can go on for many months or even years.

How to deal with a perverted narcissist? nine0006

The only way to escape moral abuse from a perverted narcissist is to stop communicating with him. You need to understand that such people behave this way because of mental pathology, and they cannot be re-educated, changed, healed, remade or saved. His problem can be partly solved only by a psychotherapist or psychiatrist, who is also capable of prescribing the necessary medicines. Today, doctors do not know why patients develop narcissistic personality disorder. Some experts are sure that it is genetically transmitted, others believe that it is only a matter of upbringing, when a person is not paid attention in childhood, or, on the contrary, they evaluate him too harshly. In addition, there is a theory that the prevalence of NPD increases during unfavorable periods of history. One way or another, none of the narcissists is to blame for getting sick, even if they behave like a sadist. Although this, of course, does not mean that you can allow him to torture himself. nine0007

As with any painful relationship, it is better to leave this relationship with the support of a psychologist, and even better, a psychotherapist. There is absolutely no shame in asking for help: after all, we do not hesitate to show our injured ankle to the surgeon instead of applying psyllium leaves to it for weeks. Talking with a specialist will help you get over the pain of humiliation and loss, start putting everything in its place, understand what exactly happened, and find ways to cope with it.

The only way to escape moral abuse from a perverted narcissist is to stop communicating with him.

An intermediate option: to leave the narcissist in place and improve yourself, unfortunately, does not exist. Narcissistic personality disorder today is very difficult to correct, not to mention the fact that in its "perverted" version it is also rarely recognized as a disorder. A perverse narcissist, who can be called a pathological manipulator, would rather make an attempt to "manage" his doctor than want to change anything. nine0007

Romances, friendships and even business relationships with perverse narcissists are usually given to their victims with a lot of blood, so the only way out is to stop them as soon as possible, and even better not to start at all. After all, as in conventional medicine, in the field of mental health, prevention is much cheaper than treatment. Especially considering that in this case you have to pay not with money, but with spiritual well-being and the safety of the individual, which, unlike the body, is not so easy to repair. nine0007

Narcissists and sociopaths: 5 tactics by which such people take away your strength

Friday, December 30, 2022

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