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When do midlife crisis start


Midlife Crisis: Depression or Normal Transition?

What do you do when a midlife crisis turns into depression?

Written by Kathleen Doheny

What's a midlife crisis? It's the stuff of jokes and stereotypes -- the time in life when you do outrageous, impractical things like quit a job impulsively, buy a red sports car, or dump your spouse.

For years, midlife crisis conjured those images. But these days, the old midlife crisis is more likely to be called a midlife transition -- and it's not all bad.

The term crisis often doesn't fit, mental health experts say, because while it can be accompanied by serious depression, it can also mark a period of tremendous growth. The trick, of course, is to realize when the transition is developing into depression so you can get help.

Defining Midlife Crisis

Beginning in the 1980s, the term midlife crisis got a lot of attention, says Dan Jones, PhD, director of the Counseling and Psychological Services Center at Appalachian State University, Boone, N. C. He has researched adult development and transitions.

"It was never a formal diagnostic category," he says of the term midlife crisis. And the age at which midlife crisis strikes can vary, he says. When midlife occurs depends on whom you ask and partly on such factors as how long they expect to live.

A midlife crisis might occur anywhere from about age 37 through the 50s, he says.

By whatever term, the crisis or transition tends to occur around significant life events, he says, such as your youngest child finishing college, or a "zero" birthday announcing to the world that you're entering a new decade.

"The death of parents can be a marker, too, for these midlife events," Jones says.

Midlife Crisis: His vs. Hers

Men and women are equally likely to experience a transition or crisis, Jones says. "But it looks different in both genders," he says.

"The stereotype is a man buys a red sports car," he says. That's not always the case, of course, but Jones says men do seem more intent on wanting to prove something.

Men might gauge their worth by their job performance, he says. They may want to look successful, for instance, even though their achievements don't measure up as they had hoped.

"Women often get validity through relationships," he says, and that's true even if they've had a lifelong career. So at midlife, they are likely to evaluate their performance as a wife, mother, or both.

The Midlife Crisis as a Normal Stage in Life

The midlife transition is looked on, more and more, as a normal part of life. Yale psychologist Daniel Levinson proposed in his well-regarded theory of adult development that all adults go through a series of stages. At the center of his theory is the life structure, which is described as the underlying pattern of a person's life at any particular time.

For many people, the life structure involves mainly family and work, but it can also include religion and economic status, for instance. According to his theory, the midlife transition is simply another, normal transition to another stage of life.

In midlife, people often reevaluate their priorities and goals, Jones finds.

Women, feeling they have raised their children, may want to go back to school, even if they have been in the work force, reasoning they can now do whatever they wish, work-wise.

"They're able to follow up on some dreams," he says, that might have been abandoned due to family responsibilities.

"Men may get more in touch with their feminine side," Jones says. That could mean taking up cooking or art or volunteering with children.

Meanwhile, midlife women may become more selfish, Jones says, even though they value relationships. They may feel they have "paid their dues" and not be willing, say, to babysit the grandkids every time they are asked.

Midlife Crisis: Path to Depression or Growth?

The midlife transition can be enlightening for some but also tough, agrees Joan R. Sherman, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Lancaster, Pa.

Whether a midlife transition will develop into serious depression or into an opportunity for growth depends on a number of factors, including support from partners and other loved ones.

Sherman recalls a woman who came to her for counseling. She was in her late 40s, married to a man about the same age who had traveled extensively for his job throughout their marriage. That left her with full-time household responsibility, raising the kids.

She had been a nurse, but gave that up to be a full-time parent. When the kids went off to college, she thought, "What now?" Sherman says. The woman told her she felt she had lost her whole identity.

The husband, who also talked to Sherman, became concerned after his wife spent nearly a week sleeping and crying.

The next time Sherman saw the woman in therapy, she offered her an alternative thought: "You're not losing your identity. You have an opportunity to create a new one."

Yes, her parenting role would change, but having much less responsibility -- as her kids were now in college -- would free her up to develop a new image and identity. The thought appealed to her. The next week, she went to a college placement service to explore her options.

When Midlife Crisis Turns Into Depression

Not everyone glides through their midlife transition that easily, of course, Jones says.

In midlife, people need to be aware of symptoms of serious depression, such as:

  • Change in eating habits
  • Change in sleeping habits, fatigue
  • Feelings of pessimism or hopelessness
  • Restlessness, anxiety or irritability
  • Feeling of guilt, helplessness or worthlessness
  • Loss of interest in activities once enjoyed, including sex and hobbies
  • Thoughts of suicide or attempts at suicide
  • Physical aches or pains such as headaches or gastrointestinal upset that don't respond to treatment

When Midlife Crisis Turns Into Depression: What Helps?

Behavior or "talk" therapy, as well as prescription antidepressant medication, can help treat major or clinical depression, says Anita H. Clayton, MD, professor of psychiatry and neurobehavioral sciences at the University of Virginia, Charlottesville.

In a study published in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, Stanford University researchers compared medication alone, talk therapy alone, or a combination in 656 persons with chronic depression. They found that the combination produces a faster, fuller remission of chronic depression.

If depression is milder, Clayton says, a single approach may be enough.

Midlife Crisis - HelpGuide.org

aging issues

Feeling dissatisfied with your life as you reach middle age? Learn about the signs of a midlife crisis, the causes, and how to find peace in this stressful stage of life.

What is a midlife crisis?

“Midlife” takes place approximately between the ages of 40 and 60, give or take a few years. One common belief about this stage of life is that you should expect to face inner turmoil about your identity, life choices, and mortality — in other words, a midlife crisis.

Psychoanalyst Elliott Jacques coined the term “midlife crisis” in the 1960s. Jacques noted that patients in their mid- to late-30s seemed to go through a depressive period and sudden lifestyle changes as they confronted the idea of their own mortality. The idea of the midlife crisis being a biological certainty spread. Nowadays, it's commonly associated with stereotypes of middle-aged men buying fancy cars or ending marriages to regain a sense of youth.

It's true that some studies show a decline in life satisfaction and happiness as people reach midlife. But it's important to note that the drop in happiness isn't always large. And, in some studies, people's satisfaction with life seems to rise as they enter midlife and then decline as they enter their later years. So, for many people, “crisis” isn't the appropriate term to describe their midlife experience. In studies, only about 10 to 20 percent of adults claim to have experienced a midlife crisis.

While the idea of a midlife crisis being an inevitable reality doesn't hold much weight, some of us do face new stressors as we enter these years. You may start to regret your career path and feel trapped by your financial decisions, worry about a decline in your physical abilities, or fret about the goals you’ve missed out on.

Some people also see a shift or increase in responsibilities as they reach middle age. You might begin taking care of an aging parent, or have to accept that your children are becoming more independent, for example.

Depending on your circumstances and outlook, it can be a stressful and confusing time. But midlife can also be a time of growth, stability, and joy. Learning the signs and causes of a midlife crisis can help you identify ways to handle common stressors that come with this time of your life and find ways to move forward and thrive.

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The severity of midlife crisis symptoms can vary from person to person. Gender can also play a role in how a midlife crisis unfolds. Women may be more likely to go through a period of self-reflection as they shift away from tending to the needs of others to tending to their own needs. Men, on the other hand, might be more likely to feel as if their past decisions have limited their future options.

Here are some signs to watch for:

Deep sadness and regret. Perhaps you ruminate over perceived missed opportunities in relationships or employment. This leads to a deep unhappiness with the present and a tendency to overlook the good aspects of your life.

Restlessness and daydreaming. You might feel bored or exhausted with your daily routine, whether that includes your work schedule or other responsibilities. Perhaps you start daydreaming about what life would be like if you had followed a different career path or married a different partner. The desire for change can make it hard to focus on what's in front of you.

Irritability. Feeling like your past decisions have boxed you in or limited your potential can lead to sudden bouts of anger. You might grow annoyed with your spouse, aging parents, or closest friends for minor infractions.

Nostalgia. Rather than focus on the positives of the present, you begin to idealize your past lifestyle. Maybe you reminisce about how athletic you used to be or how expansive your social circle was in college.

Impulsive and indulgent behavior. You might start making big purchases or increase alcohol and drug use to cope with feelings of discontentment. Some people start indulging more in food, overeating out of boredom or stress. None of these behaviors completely satisfy you, but they can have health consequences.

Changes in sexual desire. Some people experience a spike in sexual desire, while others have a decreased interest in sex. You might entertain thoughts of infidelity or engage in infidelity as you have doubts about your current relationship. Thoughts of dating someone younger might be tied to your own insecurities about aging.

[Read: Better Sex as You Age]

Changes in ambition. You might suddenly feel motivated to make changes to your life, such as moving to a new area, buying a new home, or attaining a higher position at work. This could be an attempt to correct what you now perceive as “bad past decisions.” On the other hand, you might feel less motivated to reach for other goals as you begin to question the purpose of your life.

Some of these signs may be easily mistaken for symptoms of depression. Knowing the difference can help you address the problem.

Depression vs. Midlife crisis
DepressionMidlife crisis
Diagnosable mood disorder with an established list of diagnostic criteriaNot a recognized medical or psychiatric condition
Symptoms can occur in people of any age, including teenagers and older adultsSigns occur in middle adulthood
Often caused by a combination of biological, psychological, and social factorsCaused by a person's revaluation of their own life as they age
Symptoms may be more persistent or severeA sense of dissatisfaction may come and go throughout midlife
Treatment may involve medication, therapy, and lifestyle changesSymptoms may subside when you regain a sense of peace in your life's direction

[Read: Depression Symptoms and Warning Signs]

Causes of midlife crisis

The idea of midlife crisis might be partially or mostly shaped by cultural views. It's worth keeping in mind that not all cultures subscribe to the concept of a midlife crisis, or even midlife.

Western society, though, tends to paint physical aging in a negative light, while glorifying youth. An overemphasis on senility and reduced physical abilities can make aging seem like a scary prospect. And it's not hard to find products promising to reduce “unsightly” wrinkles and gray hair, implying that you're becoming less attractive with age.

Negativity around aging might make you feel a sense of despair or a drop in self-esteem as you reach midlife. You might feel compelled to reevaluate your progress in life or view this time period as simply a transition into old age.

Of course, very concrete stressors or setbacks during adulthood can also exacerbate or trigger what you might consider a midlife crisis. These stressors could involve changes to your physical health, social relationships, career, or finances.

Physical changes

Maybe you're not as spry as you used to be. You might even be more susceptible to illnesses or diagnosed with a condition like high blood pressure. These physical changes can make you feel disheartened or fearful of the future.

Women will experience menopause, which comes with a variety of symptoms, such as hot flashes, changes in mood, and difficulty sleeping. All of these may contribute to an increase in overall stress.

Men may experience a gradual decline in testosterone as they age beyond 30 or 40 years old. However, factors such as illness, alcohol abuse, medication side effects, and increased body fat can also decrease testosterone. Low testosterone can lead to distressing symptoms such as depression, low sex drive, erectile dysfunction, and difficulty sleeping.

Changing family dynamics

In midlife, many parents experience empty nest syndrome — a feeling of grief tied to their children moving out of the house. You might experience loneliness or feelings of emptiness as you reassess your role as a parent and refocus on yourself.

You might also experience changes in your relationship with your parents. Taking on a caretaker role for aging parents can be physically and emotionally stressful. And the passing of a parent can be incredibly heartbreaking.

A divorce is another event that might contribute to a tumultuous midlife. Separating from a long-time partner can lead to conflicting emotions such as sadness, anger, and confusion. If you have children, divorce can also complicate your family dynamics.

Career changes

A 2019 survey by Indeed revealed that, on average, people who change careers do so at 39 years old. Many people are juggling new work responsibilities as they enter midlife. If you don't switch careers, you might reach more senior positions at your current job. Even if those positions offer higher pay, they will come with new responsibilities that increase your stress.

Other middle-aged adults find that their career is plateauing. Repetition in your daily tasks might contribute to a lack of fulfillment in the workplace.

Changes in financial situation

Many of the aforementioned events can affect your financial stability. You might need to spend more money as you act as a caretaker for your parents. Or perhaps switching careers requires you to reduce your spending. Job loss and sudden changes in the labor market can also cause financial strain at a time when you feel you should be more secure.

If you have adult children who are experiencing financial hardship, you might contend with additional stress. Research shows that middle-aged parents have increased anxiety and depressed mood when their children's economic future appears to be in jeopardy.

Childhood adversity as a risk factor

Certain childhood experiences can increase the risk of health consequences even as you reach adulthood. These health factors may then make your midlife more stressful, contributing to a sense of crisis.

For example, experiencing the death of a parent as a child can increase the likelihood of depression later in life. Growing up in poverty might increase the risk of chronic stress and heart disease in adulthood. Being treated poorly by your parents or seeing them go through a divorce can have similar negative effects.

These consequences aren't set in stone, however. Various coping strategies can help you manage midlife stressors as well as see past society's often-negative interpretation of the aging process.

Navigating a midlife crisis tip 1: Accept change

Change is inevitable as you age, and making peace with that is vital to finding satisfaction in middle adulthood. An adaptive approach to life will help you adjust to changes and cultivate emotional resilience.

Acknowledge your feelings. Suppressing your emotions can lead to unhealthily coping strategies and increase stress. Instead of burying your feelings, find ways to process them. Whether you're feeling frustrated and confused by a divorce or stressed out by finances, consider writing down your feelings in a journal or using HelpGuide’s Emotional Intelligence Toolkit. A trusted friend can also serve as an outlet for emotions.

Identify and accept circumstances that are beyond your control. If you feel stressed by a situation, question whether there's anything you can do to change it. Accept your limitations, and try to narrow your focus to things that are within your control. For example, rather than dwell on the fact that your children are becoming more independent and moving away from home, brainstorm ways to expand your social circle.

[Read: Surviving Tough Times by Building Resilience]

Ease into new situations. It's easy to feel overwhelmed by big changes and new roles. Take time to map out the road ahead and break large challenges down into small steps. Perhaps you're stepping into a caretaking role for an aging father. Begin by making a list of tasks that he needs help with immediately. Once you get comfortable handling those tasks, you can gradually expand your list.

Tip 2: Maintain a sense of purpose

Situations like divorce, job loss, or an empty nest might leave you searching for a sense of purpose as you reach middle age. It might be tempting to conclude that your best years are behind you. However, that sentiment doesn't have to be true. Use the following suggestions to find meaning in midlife and beyond.

Try out something new. Experiment with a new hobby, such as photography or creative writing. Or challenge yourself with a foreign language class. Doing so will help keep your brain sharp, expand your social circle, and give your life a new purpose. You don't have to limit yourself to skill-building experiences. Exploring new places can also be a fulfilling use of your time. Consider visiting local parks and art exhibits, or plan out longer trips to foreign locations.

Engage old interests. Take some time to reflect on past interests and neglected hobbies. You might want to get back into acting, painting, bowling, or some other activity you used to enjoy. This is a good way to build a sense of purpose, boost your self-esteem, and meet new friends.

Embrace community activities. Volunteering is way to give your life meaning, increase happiness, and improve mental health as you enter midlife. Look for causes that are important to you and opportunities to put your skills to good use. You might decide to mentor in a youth program, for example, assist with set design for a local performance, or organize a cultural festival.

Tip 3: Prioritize self-care

Midlife will likely bring changes to your body, sleep habits, and relationship with food. Maybe you have a harder time falling asleep or running at the same pace. Rather than feeling discouraged by these changes, it's important to dedicate a little extra time to developing and maintaining healthy habits. It's never too late to incorporate the following tips.

Set realistic exercise goals. If you were never a very active person, start slow and gradually increase the intensity of your workouts. You won't have to struggle with past injuries from sports, and that can be a major benefit. If you were an athlete when you were younger, remember to set realistic goals and expectations. Don't fall into the habit of comparing your current abilities to your past abilities. Instead, focus on reaping the benefits of exercise:

  • Sharpens cognitive functioning.
  • Reduces risk of anxiety and depression.
  • Improves sleep.
  • Aids in weight loss or management.
  • Reduces risk of cardiovascular disease, type-2 diabetes, and some cancers.
  • Slows loss of bone density.
  • Strengthens muscle.

[Read: How to Start Exercising and Stick to It]

Reassess your diet. As you enter midlife, it's more important than ever to replace bad eating habits with healthier alternatives. Swap out refined carbs with whole-grain foods as well as fruits and veggies that offer plenty of fiber. Look for healthy sources of calcium and protein to maintain strong bones and muscles. Be mindful of your relationship with food. Even middle-aged adults may struggle with issues like emotional eating in response to stress and eating disorders in response to poor body image.

Get enough sleep. Health conditions, hormonal changes, and daily stressors can make it hard to get the recommended seven to nine hours of sleep each night. But that shouldn't stop you from trying. Keep your bedroom dark, cool, and quiet. Experiment with pre-bed rituals, such as reading a book or taking a relaxing bath. Make a note of what seems to work best for you.

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Tip 4: Adjust your perception of midlife and aging

If you focus exclusively on the negatives, you'll find plenty of reasons to be unhappy in midlife. But remember that every stage of life comes with its share of ups and downs. Use the following strategies to shift your focus to the positive aspects of midlife.

Practice gratitude. Are there aspects of your life that you’re taking for granted? Take time to appreciate the people in your life and the circumstances you find yourself in. Make a list of what you’re thankful for — your parents’ longevity, your children’s growth, a stable job, financial independence.

[Read: Gratitude: The Benefits and How to Practice It]

Look to your accomplishments. For some people, midlife is a time of reflecting on missed opportunities. Counter these thoughts by making a list of your accomplishments. Think about the obstacles you’ve overcome, honors you’ve been awarded, or the positive effect you’ve had on others. Reflect on the wise decisions you’ve made and actions you’ve taken, rather than your regrets.

Ask yourself, “How have I grown?” Research shows that many middle-aged adults view themselves as more decisive, responsible, and independent than their younger selves. In addition, self-consciousness tends to decline with age. Take time to appreciate your growth while accepting that there is still room for improvement.

Reframe setbacks as opportunities for growth. Whether or not you consider yourself in the midst of a midlife crisis, you'll experience all sorts of setbacks in adulthood. However, when viewed in an optimistic light, setbacks can be opportunities to learn and grow. If you feel as if your career has plateaued, challenge yourself to develop skills you can put to use at a new job or volunteering position. If you're disheartened by an expanding waistline, think of it as motivation to embrace new and exciting forms of physical activity.

How to help someone experiencing a midlife crisis

Watching a spouse or partner go through a midlife crisis can be difficult. You might question if you've played a role in their unhappiness. Or you might start to fear that your relationship is in jeopardy as your partner reevaluates their life choices.

In the end, your partner is responsible for their own emotions and actions during this difficult time. However, you can use the following steps to offer support.

Listen without judging. Your partner might want to air grievances about missed opportunities or voice their dissatisfaction about changes in family roles or finances. Be an active listener, but don't feel pressured to solve their problems for them. Don't minimize their problems or offer advice in the form of “You should…” statements, such as “You should just exercise more.”

Be receptive to potential changes in your relationship. Your partner might want to try new things in the bedroom to revitalize their interest in sex. Or maybe they want to make a financial decision that could affect the rest of the family. Work with them to find compromises that are comfortable for both of you.

Keep an eye out for signs of depression. Midlife crisis and depression have some common symptoms, including difficulty concentrating, insomnia, irritability, and reckless behavior. If the symptoms are persistent and show up every day, it's more likely to be depression.

[Read: Helping Someone with Depression]

Spend more time together. When possible, try to join your partner as they incorporate self-care habits. You might decide to go on bike rides together or work together to make healthier eating decisions. You can also join them in exploring new hobbies, but if they want to do these activities alone, be respectful of their space.

Affirm success and express appreciation. Let your partner know that you're proud of their accomplishments and point out specific reasons why you appreciate them. Maybe they excel at work or handle their new caregiving responsibilities with grace and humor. Draw their attention to reasons they can feel proud of their progress in life.

Not everyone experiences a midlife crisis, but those who do can benefit from coping skills and your emotional support. All of this will not only help them navigate the current crisis but also help them find satisfaction later in life as well.

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    Could you have low testosterone?: MedlinePlus Medical Encyclopedia. (n.d.). Retrieved March 23, 2022, from https://medlineplus.gov/ency/patientinstructions/000722.htm

    Helson, R., & Wink, P. (1992). Personality change in women from the early 40s to the early 50s. Psychology and Aging, 7(1), 46–55. https://doi.org/10.1037/0882-7974.7.1.46

    Infurna, F. J., Gerstorf, D., & Lachman, M. E. (2020). Midlife in the 2020s: Opportunities and challenges. American Psychologist, 75(4), 470–485. https://doi.org/10. 1037/amp0000591

    Kwon, M., & Oh, J. (2021). Mediating Effects of Family Stress on the Relationship between Self-Efficacy and Midlife Crisis in Middle-Aged Men. Sustainability, 13(7), 3761. https://doi.org/10.3390/su13073761

    Lachman, M. E. (2015). Mind the Gap in the Middle: A Call to Study Midlife. Research in Human Development, 12(3–4), 327–334. https://doi.org/10.1080/15427609.2015.1068048

    Lachman, M. E., Teshale, S., & Agrigoroaei, S. (2015). Midlife as a pivotal period in the life course: Balancing growth and decline at the crossroads of youth and old age. International Journal of Behavioral Development, 39(1), 20–31. https://doi.org/10.1177/0165025414533223

    (PDF) EFFECT OF VOLUNTEERISM ON MENTAL HEALTH AND HAPPINESS. (n.d.). Retrieved March 23, 2022, from https://www.researchgate.net/publication/327890282_EFFECT_OF_VOLUNTEERISM_ON_MENTAL_HEALTH_AND_HAPPINESS

    Thomas, A. J., Mitchell, E. S., & Woods, N. F. (2018). The challenges of midlife women: Themes from the Seattle midlife Women’s health study. Women’s Midlife Health, 4(1), 8. https://doi.org/10.1186/s40695-018-0039-9

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    Chapman, B. P., Fiscella, K., Kawachi, I., Duberstein, P., & Muennig, P. (2013). Emotion suppression and mortality risk over a 12-year follow-up. Journal of Psychosomatic Research, 75(4), 381–385. https://doi.org/10.1016/j. jpsychores.2013.07.014

Midlife – How to cope with feelings of discontentment and restlessness. (Psychology Today)

Disordered eating in midlife and beyond – For some women, aging may bring on — or rekindle — an eating disorder. (Harvard Health Publishing)

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Low Testosterone Treatment: How to Know if You Need It – Tips for men. (Cleveland Clinic)

Last updated: November 21, 2022

Midlife crisis: how to recognize and survive

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September 06, 2021 read 10-12 minutes

After thirty, according to statistics, a midlife crisis threatens almost every second. Together with a psychologist, we figure out how to identify the symptoms of this emotional state, as well as help to survive it - to ourselves and others.
Many fans of the series "Friends" remember the series in which the main characters are experiencing a 30-year milestone. Each of the characters in the American sitcom showed the most expected reaction to a midlife crisis: Joe experienced a panic, Monica drowned her despair in wine, Phoebe summed up her years, and Rachel experienced depression, broke off relationships and began to make plans for the future. And, of course, Ross bought a red sports car. But does everyone experience a midlife crisis, and what is the average age? Is it worth it to repeat the usual scenarios and clichés? And, most importantly, how to deal with it?

What is midlife crisis

A midlife crisis is an emotional state that a person experiences at the age of 30-50, most often it is associated with a reassessment of life experience. It seems that many opportunities and dreams of youth have been missed, while old age (or death) will come pretty soon. For different people, the crisis occurs at different ages, it depends on individual characteristics.

Crisis is often defined as a period of emotional upheaval and associated with a thirst for change. At the moment of his experience, people try to fight thoughts of old age. Many may forego duties in favor of entertainment. That's why the term "midlife crisis" is often associated with buying a sports car or starting a new relationship. But middle age is also a time of reassessment, summing up and self-determination, psychologists say.


Aging causes anxiety and depression in a person. And the midlife crisis is the phase that makes you feel young again because you don't want to put up with the fact that life is half over. However, the emotional upheavals that people experience at this age do not always lead to major lifestyle changes associated with the desire to stay forever young.

The term was originally applied only to men. He explained the fear of death that they experienced during this period. Today, the definition covers the physical, psychological, social problems faced by both men and women. At the same time, many do not associate the midlife crisis with aging. So, in one of the surveys, men talked about problems at work or in the family, and women - with health and personal relationships.

Causes of midlife crisis

For many, middle age is a time when relationships and social roles change. Some people begin to care for their aging parents, others feel lonely because adult children began to live separately . For others, this period becomes a time of regrets about missed opportunities.

Middle age can also be a time of deep reflection. People look back on the years they have lived and wonder what their life would have been like if they had taken a different path. Some begin to regret that they did not choose another career or did not accomplish what they once dreamed of. Others recall happier days of their youth.

Fall of happiness

One theory why some people go through a midlife crisis is that they experience a decline in happiness. Research shows that the feeling of happiness can be depicted as a U-shape. Where a gradual decline in happiness levels begins in late adolescence and continues until age 40. Happiness begins to grow again at 50. This hypothesis was confirmed by the data of half a million Americans and Europeans. During the survey, people in their 60s reported that they had never been so happy in their lives. While forty-year-olds felt very miserable. However, the U-curve is not an axiom at all.

You can read the continuation of the article at the link to RBC Style.

Psychologist Psychotherapist

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What is a midlife crisis and how to overcome it

Many fans of the TV series "Friends" remember the series in which the main characters are going through a 30-year milestone. Each of the characters in the American sitcom showed the most expected reaction to a midlife crisis: Joe experienced a panic, Monica drowned her despair in wine, Phoebe summed up her years, and Rachel experienced depression, broke off relationships and began to make plans for the future. And, of course, Ross bought a red sports car. But does everyone experience a midlife crisis, and what is the average age? Is it worth repeating the usual scenarios and clichés? And, most importantly, how to deal with it?

  • What is a midlife crisis
  • Causes
  • When the Crisis Comes
  • Symptoms and signs
  • Male midlife crisis
  • Women's midlife crisis
  • How to Survive
  • How to help those in crisis

The article was checked and commented by Elena Fiveyskaya, psychologist, GMS Clinic coach

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What is a midlife crisis

A midlife crisis is an emotional state that a person experiences at the age of 30-50, most often it is associated with a reassessment of life experience. It seems that many opportunities and dreams of youth are missed, while old age (or death) will come pretty soon. For different people, the crisis occurs at different ages, it depends on individual characteristics.

Crisis is often defined as a period of emotional upheaval and associated with a thirst for change. At the time of his experience, people try to fight the thoughts of old age. Many may forego responsibilities in favor of entertainment. That's why the term "midlife crisis" is often associated with buying a sports car or starting a new relationship. But middle age is also a time of reappraisal, debriefing, and self-determination, psychologists say.

Middle age is a time of reassessment, reflection and self-determination

© Shutterstock

Aging makes a person anxious and depressed. And a midlife crisis is a phase that helps you feel young again, because you don't want to put up with the fact that life is half over [1]. However, the emotional upheavals that people experience at this age do not always lead to major lifestyle changes associated with the desire to stay forever young.

The term was originally applied only to men. He explained the fear of death that they experienced during this period. Today, the definition covers the physical, psychological, social problems faced by both men and women. However, many do not associate the midlife crisis with aging. So, in one of the surveys, men talked about problems at work or in the family, and women - with health and personal relationships.

Causes of midlife crisis

For many, middle age is a time when relationships and social roles change. Some people begin to care for aging parents, others feel lonely because adult children began to live separately . For others, this period becomes a time of regrets about missed opportunities [2].

Middle age can also be a time of deep reflection. People look back on the years they have lived and wonder what their life would have been like if they had taken a different path. Some begin to regret that they did not choose another career or did not accomplish what they once dreamed of. Others recall happier days of their youth.

Decline in happiness

One theory why some people experience a midlife crisis is that they experience a decline in happiness. Research shows that the feeling of happiness can be depicted as a U-shape. Where a gradual decline in happiness levels begins in late adolescence and continues until the age of 40. Happiness begins to grow again at 50 [3]. This hypothesis was confirmed by the data of half a million Americans and Europeans. During the survey, people in their 60s reported that they had never been so happy in their lives. While forty-year-olds felt very miserable. However, the U-shaped curve is not an axiom at all.

When does a crisis occur?

According to research, not everyone experiences a midlife crisis. Some scholars believe that the concept of crisis is a social construct. It is the belief that some kind of crisis must occur at 40 that makes people think that they are experiencing disappointment and breakdown.

People feel lonely when their grown-up children start living separately

© Yan Krukov/Pexels

The US National Midlife Survey found that approximately 26% of participants experience a midlife crisis [4]. At the same time, the majority of respondents reported that it occurred in the period before 40 or after 50 years. These data cast doubt on the axiom that such an emotional state is directly related to age, since the average is usually considered to be 45 years. In addition, the vast majority of respondents said that the crisis was caused by a serious event in life, and not by age. These include divorce, loss of a job, loss of a loved one, or relocation.

Today, the age range of the midlife crisis has expanded, as men and women under the age of 30 and over 50 can experience it. And its onset is often due to personal characteristics and significant events in life.

Symptoms of a midlife crisis

Psychotherapist Elena Elfimova in her book "Crisis of Personal Relationships" describes in detail the symptoms of a midlife crisis. Here's what you need to pay attention to:

  • there was a need to improve physical fitness and appearance;
  • there was a desire to actively move: running, cycling, dancing, extreme sports: racing, skydiving;
  • made drastic changes in the diet or went on a diet, started taking vitamins or dietary supplements;
  • buy new clothes and spend more time on appearance;
  • change your hairstyle, color your hair due to natural changes in color, thickness and quantity;
  • drastically change your social circle, which is replenished by younger people;
  • feel dissatisfied with your own achievements;
  • compare yourself with other people of your age who have achieved more;
  • what used to bring pleasure is boring; there was a desire to quit a successful career;
  • experience irritability, sudden fits of anger;
  • you get tired faster, there are problems with memory, new diseases, the consequences of bad habits have accumulated;
  • the need for sleep has changed: you want to sleep more or, conversely, less;
  • became more prone to stress;
  • like listening to other music, suddenly want to learn how to play a musical instrument;
  • have a sudden interest in painting or writing;
  • awakened interest in religion or philosophy;
  • think about death more often, talk about its nature;
  • trying to give new life to things that you bought 20 years ago;
  • often remember your childhood;
  • think about the future.

Midlife crisis in men

Men most often associate the crisis with life values ​​and the search for oneself. At the same time, the search can imply both a change in profession, changes in family life, and cardinal changes in lifestyle. At this point, men often look back on their past years, question their achievements and begin to look for themselves in something else.

Men most often associate the crisis with life values ​​and the search for oneself

© Andrea Piacquadio/Pexels

Signs of aging also play an important role: as a rule, health and physical abilities begin to deteriorate in middle age. Thoughts that you can be happier if you change something can cause men to have an emotional crisis and an acute desire for speedy change.

A midlife crisis usually involves changing lives in a hurry, says Calvin Colarusso, MD, professor of psychiatry at the University of California, San Diego [5]. As an example, he cites the case of his patient who wrote a note to his wife, withdrew money from a bank account and moved to another city without warning. But, according to Colarusso, this type of crisis is rare, more often men go through it less impulsively.

Signs of a midlife crisis in men:

  1. You are over 40 years old. Colarusso most often sees men struggle with a midlife crisis in their 40s and 50s.
  2. You are concerned about the main areas of your life. This may include dissatisfaction with career, marriage, health, as well as a desire to change them for the better.
  3. You feel that there is little time to choose a new direction.

According to a psychologist, many men are in dire need of change when:

  • appearance and physical form change;
  • grandchildren appear;
  • parents or friends die.

Ph.D. and psychologist from Boston, Lynn Margolis, believes that at this stage, men can experience "teenage rebellion." “A sure sign of a midlife crisis is that you feel trapped and strongly tempted to change your life,” she says. Attempts may include:

  • addiction to alcohol;
  • novel on the side;
  • leaving the family, breaking up a long-term relationship;
  • desire to add thrills.

Midlife crisis can lead to both growth and destruction of personality. If you look for the causes of your unhappiness, and then make thoughtful decisions to eliminate them, this is growth, says the psychologist. And making impulsive decisions, such as walking away from a familiar life, having a relationship with a younger partner that ends quickly, or buying a car that is too expensive, leads to destruction.

A sure sign of a midlife crisis: you feel trapped and strongly tempted to make a radical change in your life

© Shutterstock

The psychologist encourages you to remember that feelings and impulsive impulses are not commands to act. After all, the desire to run away from home, work or family does not mean that it really needs to be done. These feelings may indicate problems that need to be addressed. In addition, over time, they may disappear altogether. Men make many successful changes in their 40s and older: get an education, travel, start their own business. It is important to make sure that the new goals are practical and accessible.

Midlife crisis in women

Contrary to popular belief, the crisis affects not only men. Recent studies have shown that a similar emotional state is also characteristic of women from 40 to 65 years old [6]. During this period, they face not only physiological changes, but also problems at work, in family relationships, and in achieving financial and personal goals. The stress can be so intense that women may experience sleep disturbances and health problems[7][8].

To avoid backlash, a midlife crisis is best viewed as an opportunity to reevaluate your life, a chance to pause and spend time and energy figuring out what's important to you, says Dr. Susan Albers, PhD in Psychology.

Hormonal changes are the main difference in these situations, notes the psychologist. As women enter menopause, estrogen and progesterone levels decrease and cause physiological changes, including disturbances in sleep, mood, and sex drive [9]. During perimenopause and menopause, hormone imbalances can also cause memory loss, anxiety, weight gain, and decreased interest in things you used to enjoy, according to Mayo Clinic doctors [10].

Signs and symptoms of a midlife crisis in women:

  • depression and anxiety;
  • lack of motivation or desire to devote time to certain activities;
  • dissatisfaction with career and other life choices.

Emerging experiences can direct women's attention inward. And since they are more likely to care about the feelings and needs of others, such self-reflection can provoke an emotional crisis. In the role of mother, women may be more visible in society or have a strong bond with their children, psychologists say. But one day the children grow up and stop needing them. And when women do not devote all their attention to the family, they have time to think about their experiences.

Stress can be so intense that women may experience sleep disturbances and health problems

© Cottonbro/Pexels

How to Survive a Midlife Crisis

1.

Embrace the Change

Not only gray hair and wrinkles show age, but also fatigue. Therefore, the question of how to feel younger is increasingly being asked by psychologists and psychotherapists. Try not to attribute changes in appearance to age. They are also caused by unfavorable ecology, hard work and stress.

Maintain mental activity: enthusiasm and a positive inner attitude are good for appearance.

2. Take care of yourself

Look for ways to reduce stress, whether it's asking loved ones to share your experience or using stress management techniques such as meditation or mindful breathing. Take care of yourself, eat a healthy diet and get enough sleep.

3. Take care of your health

Talk to your doctor or gynecologist to help you understand what is normal in your condition and what is depression or anxiety. Consulting a therapist can also help you cope with negative emotions.

4. Train your brain

Age also manifests itself in increased fatigue and forgetfulness. Over time, the brain loses the ability to adapt to new situations. Try to diversify the usual course of life: change the route to work, give up the car, walk more often and arrange interesting events with family and friends. Stop using the calculator and start training your brain with mental counting. You can also give up diaries and entries in your mobile phone: try to remember phone numbers, memorable dates and a to-do list.

5. Get new emotions

Traveling is one of the common tips of psychologists. Sometimes a week spent in an unknown city or country can give more impressions than a whole year of measured life.

Look for ways to reduce stress

© Marcus Aurelius/Pexels

But going to the ends of the earth in search of new experiences is not an option for everyone, given the current pandemic. Previously unknown tastes and smells will help to get emotions and create neural connections. Try new dishes or buy an unusual perfume. In addition, you can diversify your leisure time with new hobbies.

6. Be grateful

Take time to be grateful for the parts of your life that make you happy, psychologists advise. Try keeping a journal and write down what you are grateful for. Go back to your notes to see what you can change in your life.

7. Discuss your emotional state

Find accomplices. It is important to know that you are not the only one experiencing a crisis. Talking to others about how you feel is supportive. Those who have already gone through this state can share useful ideas and tips. Also, before making important decisions, discuss them with someone you trust. A friend or psychologist may have a different opinion about the correctness of your choice.

8. Do a self-evaluation

Try to understand what is important to you, what you spend time and energy on. Find out what takes energy instead of filling it. This process may involve restructuring relationships, getting rid of toxic people, finding new friends or hobbies. Let go of guilt and don't get discouraged by introspection. Realize that this is a necessity and allow yourself to explore the important questions of life.

When to ask for help

Sometimes going through a midlife crisis doesn't require professional help. Perhaps, in order to feel that life has been filled with meaning, a new hobby is enough. But this emotional state can affect well-being. A midlife crisis should be treated like any other emotional crisis. If you are experiencing unpleasant symptoms that worsen your condition, it is best to seek help from professionals.

Psychologist's consultation will help to cope with negative emotions

© Shutterstock

Here are a few times when you should consult a doctor or see a psychologist:

  • emotional stress interferes with sleep or affects appetite;
  • cannot concentrate on work;
  • stress or mood affects relationships with loved ones;
  • lost interest in entertainment and hobbies;
  • are thinking about major life changes: ending a long-term relationship, changing careers, or moving. At the same time, the desire to make changes is born from the internal upheavals associated with age.

How to help those who are in crisis

Experiences during this period can be quite strong. So much so that it becomes difficult to endure them not only for a person, but also for his family, friends, colleagues. At this moment, people begin to splash out their emotions and aggression, or, conversely, to withdraw into themselves.

If you suspect a friend or family member is having a midlife crisis, you can help them.

  • Become a good listener for your loved ones, let the person talk about their experiences. Try to listen without judgment and refrain from giving advice. Let a friend share how they feel and let them know that you are there.
  • Express your concern, concern more often. At the same time, it is better to avoid exclamations from the series: “It seems that you are having a midlife crisis ?!” Instead, try asking probing questions like, “You haven't looked like yourself lately. Are you all right?"
  • If needed, talk to your loved one about the importance of getting professional help. Suggest talking to a psychologist or doctor. Keep in mind that the changes you see in a person may indicate health problems. For example, a thyroid disorder often causes mood swings. The specialist will help to rule out medical problems and determine if a psychologist is needed.
  • When someone close to you refuses to seek help from a specialist, you can consult a psychologist yourself. A therapist can help you develop a plan to support the other person and set healthy mental boundaries.
  • Get help right away if you notice that a loved one could harm themselves or others. If necessary, take him to the emergency room for examination. If a person refuses to go to the hospital, call an ambulance and do not leave him unattended.

Psychologist's comment

Elena Fiveyskaya, psychologist, GMS Clinic coach

What is the difference between midlife crisis in women and men?

Any age crisis is a turning point, a transitional moment that has its own stages and patterns of development. In this midlife crisis in men and women is the same.

First of all, both of them will definitely have it: it will affect almost everyone. Secondly, it is directly related to its name - namely, it comes in the middle of life (median). This means that both a man and a woman will begin to compare their expectations from life with what has been achieved, can still be achieved, and with what has been lost forever.

But there are differences. The first is the age difference. If we do not take into account the tails of the distribution (for example, genes that allow a woman under 40 to look 20), then a woman begins to observe the first heralds of age-related changes by the age of 30.

If a woman has not yet given birth, then thoughts about the mythical biological clock sometimes fly into her head, becoming more insistent. Men have fewer such restrictions, at 30 they, for the most part, firmly believe that everything is still ahead.

The second difference is the goal that a woman and a man want to achieve. There is an opinion that it is more important for a woman to realize herself in a family, and for a man - in a career. But, in my opinion, this stereotype is outdated, and many men today dream of a child, and women put their career first.

The third factor involved in the reassessment of one's abilities in middle age is related to the sexual sphere. These are menopause in women and erection problems in men. And here again we can note the difference in age limits (as well as with procreation).

But the main difference that I want to point out as a psychologist is what avoidance strategies (instead of accepting current changes) are used by men and women in the midst of a midlife crisis.

In men, trying to regain youth by committing reckless acts is the most common behavior. As they say, gray hair in the head is a demon in the ribs. They are trying to emotionally return to the pre-crisis state.

A woman, on the other hand, makes attempts to do it bodily: she decides on braces, plastic surgeries, rejuvenation procedures - all this is a multi-million dollar business that is based on the midlife crisis of the beautiful half of humanity.

Once again, I want to emphasize that the differences between men and women are changing these days. A woman can run to buy a new Porsche, a yacht, or get a lover younger than herself, just as a man can maniacally improve his appearance.

Women do not lose the ability to receive the same vivid emotions as in their youth. In men, the emotional sphere fades, everything becomes boring, and life becomes like a “Groundhog Day”. Therefore, often men look for emotions in a new marriage, re-participate in the birth of children, experiencing this process in a different way, more consciously, as it seems to them.

A woman is more masochistic by nature, it is easier for her to devote herself to something else: a man, a child, projects. Because of her nature and ability to be a mother. Without the masochistic part, the stage of childbirth and postpartum care for the baby seems rather difficult. Therefore, this is inherent in a woman.

How long can a midlife crisis last?

Long enough if the person does not advance to the next level. In especially severe cases, such a crisis can break a person.

Perhaps you have come across or even among relatives there are elderly people who are stuck in the past, have lost the meaning of life and do not expect anything more from this world. Usually they say about them: “She was never able to start a family, he never recovered from losing his job, etc.” Missed opportunities remained in the past, and the person did not set new goals for himself.

But there are also opposite cases, when a crisis pushes a person to his destiny, to what he always wanted to do, but for some reason did not do it.

Is there a complex treatment, crisis therapy?

The main therapy is a visit to a psychologist. A crisis is not a disease, but a transition from one phase of development to the next. If in adulthood there are difficulties in accepting some new circumstances, this is work with the psyche and defenses. A psychologist will help you understand what is stopping you and how to deal with it. In some cases, you will have to burn yourself out, in others - to change the strategy, and thirdly - to set new goals.

How to help yourself with signs of a crisis?

It is extremely difficult to get out of the crisis on your own. I already wrote about the defenses of the psyche, which will not allow us to move on if we have not closed some specific goals, desires, our “wants”. There will be attempts again and again to get what you want, even if it is impossible. It also depends on the actual achievements of a person in comparison with his expectations. In this case, perfectionists will have a particularly hard time.

The only thing I would like to advise is not to compare yourself with others, everyone has been given a different amount of resources (both external and internal). So, even a successful businessman will be a loser compared to a person on the first line of Forbes. Another recommendation is to explore new areas, opportunities, everything new as much as possible, because the old is either unattainable, or has already been achieved and interest is lost.

How can loved ones help those who are in crisis?

Everything is very individual and depends not only on the personality of loved ones and the one who is going through a crisis, but also on the specifics of the relationships that have developed between them. If even before the crisis the relationship was not trusting, and the personality was closed and secretive, then attempts to abruptly change course can unsettle even more.

It is important to pay attention to the reduction of possible criticism, to shift the focus to achievements. Notice the destructive thoughts of your loved one and challenge them. Talk if possible. Engage in new events, activities.

Are there any consequences of the crisis? Which?

Of the negative ones - the destruction of the personality (family, career), which may be accompanied by alcoholism, drug addiction, loss of self-confidence or severe mental illness. Of the positive ones - new opportunities, a surge of energy for their implementation, another opportunity to turn your life in the right direction.

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