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A person who holds grudges is called


10 Words For Someone Who Holds A Grudge (Meaning Explained)

Most of us have, at some point or another, known someone who can hold a grudge. Perhaps, we are the person who can hold a grudge. With that being said, what is an appropriate term to use to describe a person who can hold a grudge?

What Do You Call Someone Who Holds A Grudge?

There are many applicable and appropriate terms that we can utilize to describe someone who consistently holds a grudge. However, for the purposes of this article, we will be discussing the following ten terms:

  • Spiteful
  • Resentful
  • Bitter
  • Vindictive
  • Rancorous
  • Vendetta
  • Implacable
  • Enmity
  • Animus
  • Antipathy

The preferred version that we will be highlighting is the term “spiteful”. This is because the term “spiteful” very accurately describes a person who holds a grudge. Someone who is “spiteful” often has difficulty letting things go or moving on.

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Spiteful

When we say that someone is “spiteful”, we often mean to express that not only can they hold a grudge, but they often do so for long periods of time. They also tend to be someone who holds onto anger and can act in malicious ways because of it.

According to Cambridge Dictionary, “spiteful” is defined as wanting to annoy, upset, or hurt another person, especially in a small way, because you feel angry towards them. Therefore, we can consider a “spiteful” person to hold a grudge, but also wish to act in a negative way towards the person they are holding the grudge against.

We will now look over a few examples that highlight the use of this particular term:

  • The child was incredibly spiteful after his mother told him that he could no longer have any chocolate.
  • That was such a spiteful thing to say and you should be very ashamed of yourself for it!
  • She was spiteful towards her ex-boyfriend and because of that, she attempted to ruin his new relationship.

Resentful

Another great alternative term that we can choose to use is “resentful”. We often say that someone is “resentful” when they present feelings or express bitterness or indignation at having been treated unfairly. Often, someone will be “resentful” towards another individual.

We can see that Cambridge Dictionary defines “resentful” as feeling angry because you have been forced to accept someone or something that you do not like.

The following examples showcase the proper use of this term:

  • He held a deep-rooted resentment towards the other students in his class, whom his teacher showed favoritism towards.
  • She was resentful of her older sister getting to go on a school trip to New York City.
  • I have been known to be quite resentful at times, but it is something that I am actively working on.

Bitter

“Bitter” is another appropriate term to describe someone who holds a grudge. Often, someone who is “bitter” has experienced something in the past, that they still hold onto and can’t seem to move on from. This causes many negative feelings towards someone or something in particular.

Cambridge Dictionary defines a “bitter” person as someone who is angry and unhappy because they cannot forget bad things that happened in the past or an experience that has caused deep pain.

We can now look over a few examples that showcase how to use this term in a sentence:

  • She lied and told her friends that she didn’t feel jealous or bitter, but she most certainly did.
  • He feels very bitter towards his parents in regards to his childhood and all the negativity he experienced.
  • She suffered terribly as a result of immense bullying in high school, however, it hadn’t made her bitter.

Vindictive

Another appropriate alternative term that we can use to refer to someone who holds a grudge is “vindictive”. A “vindictive” individual is often known for having or showing a strong or unreasoning desire for revenge, which they will occasionally act on.

In terms of the Cambridge Dictionary, “vindictive” is defined as having or showing a wish to harm someone because you think that they harmed you or being entirely unwilling to forgive.

The following examples highlight the proper use of the term “vindictive”:

  • She was considered to be very vindictive by her peers, so many avoided getting to know her on a personal level.
  • He was very vindictive towards his ex-girlfriend and actively attempted to create problems in her life.
  • The team has lost to their rival school an abundance of times, which made them rather vindictive.

Rancorous

An uncommon, but an excellent alternative that we can choose to use is “rancorous”. Generally speaking, someone who is thought of as being “rancorous” is considered to be characterized by both bitterness and a deep-rooted resentment towards someone or a group of people.

Cambridge Dictionary defines “rancorous” as having or showing a feeling of hate and continuing anger about something in the past.

Here are a few examples that highlight the proper use of this term:

  • The deal ended with a series of absolutely rancorous disputes between the two owners.
  • The officials seemed to become increasingly rancorous towards the visiting dignitaries.
  • The couple went through an awful and rancorous divorce that negatively affected their children.

Vendetta

We can consider the term “vendetta” to be another great way to describe someone or a group of people who hold a similar grudge. Often, we will consider a “vendetta” to be a prolonged bitter quarrel with or campaign against someone.

As we can see in Cambridge Dictionary, a “vendetta” is defined as a long and violent argument between people or families, in which one group tries to harm the other in order to punish them for things that happened in the past.

We will now look over the following examples:

  • She was the victim of a personal vendetta that her ex-husband has against her.
  • He accused her of actively pursuing a vendetta against him and his family.
  • Despite being long-time vendettas, the two put their differences aside for their cousin’s wedding.

Implacable

“Implacable” is another phenomenal term that we can choose to use when trying to accurately describe someone who holds a grudge. We can consider someone who is “implacable” to be absolutely relentless or completely unstoppable and unwilling to change their mind.

As shown by Cambridge Dictionary, “implacable” is defined as being used to describe someone who has strong opinions or feelings that are impossible to change.

The following various examples show how to properly use this specific term:

  • She considered her high school rival to be her implacable enemy, even after they had graduated.
  • He showed an immeasurable level of implacable hostility towards his ex-girlfriend.
  • The feelings of love were now replaced with implacable hatred after the issues involving cheating.

Enmity

We can choose to use the term “enmity” similarly to our other alternative terms. The term “enmity” is often considered to be the state or feeling of being actively opposed or hostile to someone or something. “Enmity” is often thought of as a deep-rooted feeling, that is often unchanging.

When looking at Cambridge Dictionary, we can see that “enmity” is defined as a feeling of hate or a very strong dislike.

We can now go over these examples, that show the use of “enmity” in a sentence:

  • She profusely denied any feelings of enmity towards him, however, her friends did not believe her.
  • There had been decades of enmity between the two countries, which resulted in a full-blown war.
  • The two teachers had a lot of enmity between them, which was apparent to the rest of the staff.

Animus

Another phenomenal term that we can choose to use when describing someone who can hold a grudge is “animus”. We can consider an “animus” person to be someone who has ill feelings or hostility towards someone else. An “animus” person is often very negative and angry.

As we can see, Cambridge Dictionary defines “animus” as a feeling of hate or anger towards someone or something.

The following are examples that highlight the use of this term:

  • He swore that he harbored no animus towards his long-time rival, despite being angry at the loss.
  • The author wrote her book and it showcased her animus feelings towards her family.
  • An animus individual is often very spiteful or malevolent towards their enemies or rivals.

Antipathy

The final alternative term that we will be looking at is “antipathy”. We can consider “antipathy” to be a deep-seated feeling of dislike, which can often come across as a very strong aversion towards someone or a group of people.

Cambridge Dictionary defines “antipathy” as a feeling of strong dislike, opposition, or anger.

Finally, we will go over the last few examples for this article, that showcase the use of “antipathy”:

  • His letter of resignation showed his deep and intense level of antipathy towards his coworkers.
  • Racial antipathy against any ethnicity will not be tolerated within our workplace.
  • He had a fundamental antipathy towards the police or any other professional position of authority.

What Does It Mean To Hold A Grudge?

When we say that someone holds a grudge, we mean to express that they harbor anger, bitterness, resentment, or other negative feelings long after someone has done something to hurt them. These feelings often become so deep-rooted, that they are hard to change or move forward from.

It’s important to note that while holding a grudge is a common thing to do, it isn’t healthy. We ought to work towards letting go of negativity and resolving our issues with others, as opposed to becoming increasingly angry or vindictive.

Personality Types That Hold A Grudge

How long can a person hold a grudge? And why are some folks more likely to hold them?

You’ve noticed the difference in how some people you know deal with their anger.

Some are more likely to get even — others more likely to steep themselves in their anger and quietly burn with resentment. 

Some personalities are more passionate than others who are more private. 

But which personalities are most prone to holding grudges in a relationship? 

What’s In This Article:

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What Causes Someone to Hold a Grudge? 

Why do people hold grudges? What does a grudge do for them that forgiving and letting go does not? That’s not a rhetorical question. 

If you know someone who carries grudges, you know it doesn’t help to tell them, “You’re only making yourself miserable.” After all, how do you know they’re miserable because of the grudge and not something else? 

Try flipping it around: If you were holding a grudge against someone who had betrayed your trust, you probably wouldn’t forgive and forget just because someone told you, “Grudges keep you from growing as a person. ” 

When you’re locked in a grudge, you can’t see the future. You’re stuck in the past. So, warnings about your failure to grow have zero influence. 

To shed some light, consider these common reasons why someone might hold a grudge:

  • They’re angry. They may be struggling with unresolved anger issues. 
  • They think in black-and-white terms. The one who hurt them is “the enemy.”
  • It beats being vulnerable. Holding a grudge keeps them safe from further injury.
  • Grudges are a learned response. It’s so ingrained, it feels like the right thing to do. 
  • They’re suffering from an emotional imbalance, which therapy might help.
  • Their personality makes grudges more likely or longer-lasting. 

That last one is important. Certain personality traits are more grudge-friendly. And some Myers-Briggs personality types have a more generous helping of those traits than others.  

What Personality Type Holds Grudges? 

The following nine Myers-Briggs personality types are more likely to hold grudges than the remaining seven, and you’ll see why. Some are fiercer than others.

And you probably know someone who keeps their grudges private — but never lets them go. 

Something you should know before you dive in: 

  • Introverts tend to hold grudges the longest, though they may not be obvious about it. Those who believe in a just world — where their own offenses are likely to balance out those directed toward them — are less likely to hold a grudge.  
  • Extroverts are often more openly expressive of their anger, which can be plenty intense. But if they find a way to get back at the one who hurt them, the grudge typically weakens because it has more to do with a desire for justice. 

That said, take a look at the grudge potential of the following personality types. 

INFJ

This type combines sensitivity with introspection. Generally, the INFJ will tolerate plenty of misbehavior until they reach their breaking point and cut the offender out of their life. The ex-communication is almost always permanent. The INFJ grudge is a deeply-entrenched protective wall between them and those who’ve hurt them too much. 

Their aversion to conflict and a strong preference for harmony means the INFJ door slam is less about punishing the offender than about protecting the INFJ from further hurt. 

INTJ

The INTJ will permanently cut people out of their lives, but more for logical reasons (i.e., they’re not loyal or trustworthy) than emotional ones. As for grudges, they don’t like to feel weighed down by negative emotions, but they will do what’s necessary to keep the undesirables out of their sight and well out of their business.  

The INTJ, often characterized (unfairly) as “the coldest human,” generally takes things less personally than an INFJ, but they’re more involved in the external world than their “P” brethren, whether they like it or not.   

ISFJ

This personality either likes you or is indifferent to your existence. If they like you, get ready for loads of TLC. While the ISFJ doesn’t enjoy holding a grudge, they will when someone hurts a loved one or crosses a line with them, and they’ll have a tough time letting go. 

ISFJs can hold a grudge for a long time, and it can take quite a lot for them to forgive. They’re more likely to if the offender is genuinely sorry and tries to make amends.

ISTJ 

The ISTJ is undoubtedly capable of holding a grudge if someone has wronged them. Rule-followers who pride themselves on their reliability and consistency, ISTJs hate it when others fail to keep their word. And they’re likely to resent them for it. 

They don’t trust lightly, so if someone they trust betrays them, the ISTJ is likely to hold a grudge, at least until the offender offers a genuine apology and tries to make amends. If not, the ISTJ will cut the offender out of their lives for good.  

ESTJ

This type can definitely hold onto a grudge — especially against someone who doesn’t bother making amends. On the other hand, they want to forgive. They value connections and their place in a community, so they try to forgive those who are genuinely sorry. 

They also value efficiency and are easily frustrated by those who repeat their mistakes. If someone violates their trust, they may struggle with holding a grudge, since they’ll be ashamed of having trusted them in the first place. 

ENFJ

If the ENFJ has no choice but to see someone they dislike, they may try to get along and be cordial, but this generally doesn’t last long. When someone has wronged them on a deep level (it takes something serious to make an ENFJ hold a grudge), they can hold a grudge forever. Their weapon of choice is often the silent treatment. 

Their extreme sensitivity to conflict makes them averse to open hostility. But their clearly-defined values can make them inflexible and unwilling to consider contrary perspectives.  

ESFJ

ESFJs are like INTPs in their tendency to bury their negative emotions, which have a way of sneaking up and surprising them (and others). They prefer to let things go, but those buried feelings can cause them to inadvertently hold a grudge against someone for a long time without realizing it or understanding their own feelings. 

Their loyalty and sense of duty make them a strong ally, but when they’re hurt, they become defensive and reluctant to let go of the offense. 

ENTJ

Like the INTJ, this type can hold a grudge forever if they deem it necessary, but the reasons for those grudges are more logical than emotional. The offender has betrayed their trust — which, once lost, is nearly impossible to rebuild. The grievance is there not so much to punish the offender as to protect the ENTJ from another betrayal. 

ENTJs tend to make snap judgments before taking in all the pertinent information. The best way to get through to them is to get the point quickly.  

ESTP 

ESTPs can hold a grudge for a long time, but only if they care about the person who hurt them. They feel deep frustration over being wronged and are unwilling to simply let it go unless they stop caring about the person who wronged them. 

ESTPs don’t trust others easily, so if someone gains their trust and then breaks it, they will have a much harder time forgiving that person, let alone trusting them again. 

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What about the other personalities?

While the remaining personality types are capable of grudges, they have an innate aversion to them. It’s not that they’re more compassionate or more understanding. Some just have a lower tolerance for the negative emotions that go with a grudge.

They may place a higher value on harmony, goodwill, and forgiveness. But the latter can still be a challenge, depending on the individual. 

INTPs and ENTPs try to avoid holding grudges. ENTPs, though, won’t forget a serious offense and will likely avoid someone who has wronged them. They’re more likely to look for ways to resolve their anger so that they can move on. 

INTP often bury their emotions, so while they’d rather avoid feeling angry, it’s possible for them to harbor a grudge without realizing it. 

INFPs and ENFPs prefer not to hold grudges, though they can certainly take things personally. They want so much to see the good in others that they’re more motivated to forgive. But the deeper the wound, the harder it is for them to let go.

They may vent their frustration in passive-aggressive ways. And if someone hurts them deeply or hurts someone they love, they will cut the offender out of their life. 

ISTPs and ISFPs see no advantage to holding onto grudges and are more likely to let go so that they can live in the present. If they hold a grudge for a deep wound, they generally don’t hold it for long. 

Finally, ESFPs, like their closest introverted sibling (ISFP), dislike holding onto negative emotions. They want to forgive, but if someone betrays their trust and hurts them deeply enough, they have difficulty letting go. 

How to Stop Holding Grudges 

This post wouldn’t be complete without some helpful tips on how to get over a grudge. These won’t magically make your grudge disappear. Nothing can do that (not even chocolate, though it helps). But these can get you closer to freedom. 

Get clarity about your reasons.

A journal can be a great help with this. Write about how you feel about the person who hurt you and about what they did or said. Call it what it is. No need to mince words when you’re getting things out of your head. Spill out the words so that you can sort them out. 

Be kind to yourself. 

You have a right to be angry about someone violating your trust or wronging you in some way. It’s no one else’s place to decide how you should react or what you should feel. 

You also have a right to move on and to feel happy again. Recognize your power in this. But don’t forget to be honest about what’s holding you back. 

Get into the other person’s shoes. 

Try to understand them without judging them. Learn more about them, if you can, and look for common ground. Write about this person as if you’ve chosen to forgive them. You can even try to write from their perspective, based on what you know about them. 

Be the first to offer the olive branch. 

If the grudge is mutual, this may get things rolling toward forgiveness. If you arrange to meet, prepare your points, so you’ll know what to say. Or you can write a letter to the person, forgiving them and expressing goodwill. 

The Hawaiian Ho’oponopono Forgiveness Prayer offers a sort of template for this. 

Distract yourself with something you enjoy. 

When thoughts of anger toward the person who hurt you flood your mind, distract yourself with something you enjoy doing. Find another outlet for your passion. Learn a new hobby or rediscover one you’ve set aside. Listen to some music that helps you calm down and changes your thoughts for the better. 

Are you a personality type that holds grudges?

Now that you’re more familiar with the Myers-Briggs personality types most likely to hold grudges, it’s important to point out that this does not make them inferior to other personality types. 

Every personality has its challenges. Every one of us has things to work on. And you know as well as anyone how unhelpful it is when someone focuses on your weaknesses. 

If you’re not one of the personality types described, but you know someone who is, what do you see in them that you admire? 

Every personality has gifts as well as challenges. Focus on one of those gifts today.

Resentment, or Who Needs Forgiveness and Why - The Orthodox Journal "Foma"

Approximate reading time: 14 min.

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Offending a person is easy. To comprehend this bitter truth, it is not at all necessary to be a psychologist or philosopher. All people, without exception, have a sad experience of experiencing an insult, and everyone knows how much a single unkind word can hurt the soul. Grievances haunt a person from early childhood. In the sandbox, a very small toddler brings another baby to tears, taking away a toy from him or breaking the sand house he built. The next generation of schoolchildren with joyful laughter tortures their classmates suffering from overweight, poor eyesight or other physical defects with offensive nicknames. Well, about how scary, sophisticated and ruthlessly adults can offend each other, and I don’t want to talk again. And if a finely organized, vulnerable person cannot repulse insult, betrayal or meanness, then the last argument in favor of his own rightness for him is a feeling of resentment.

So why does Christianity encroach on this last stronghold of human dignity, why does it call for voluntarily renouncing the inalienable right - not to forgive pain and tears to someone who ruthlessly broke into your life and scorched your heart? What kind of paradoxical call sounds in the Gospel: . .. love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you and pray for those who mistreat you (Luke 6:27-28)? Perhaps this is the most incomprehensible commandment of Christ. In fact: well, why love those who hate you, offend you and drive you away? They probably need our love and forgiveness least of all. So why then force yourself to such a difficult and thankless task?

Why it is impossible to take revenge on one's offenders is even more or less clear: after all, if you return evil for evil, then it is unlikely that this very evil will become less in the world. With well-deserved grievances, everything is also clear, since a simple and understandable principle applies here: if you earn money, get it and don’t complain. But what to do when you were offended for no reason, if you spit in your soul, trampled and humiliated simply because the offenders wanted so much? Is it also forgiveness?

When they grab the hammer

One of the best stories by Vasily Shukshin (which is called “Resentment”) begins with a banal and, alas, ordinary situation: a person was rude. He came with his little daughter to the store to buy milk, and the saleswoman mistakenly took him for a bully who had made a drunken brawl here the day before. And no matter how much poor Sashka Ermolaev justified himself, no matter how much he explained to people around him that he was not to blame for anything, it was all in vain. In front of his daughter, he was disgraced, cursed with the last words for no reason. The story ends with a terrible picture: Sasha runs home for a hammer to break the head of one of his offenders. And only a happy accident prevents him from committing murder.

This is, of course, just a work of art. But in it, Shukshin was able to surprisingly accurately show the strange feature of the human soul - to react sharply and very painfully to unfair accusations. In fact, what's the trouble if they say nasty things about you that you have nothing to do with! After all, your conscience is clear and, it would seem, it’s just right to laugh and pity the people who are so deeply mistaken about you.

chiaralily

But that wasn't the case... As soon as someone speaks badly about us, a wave of hostility towards this person immediately rises in the soul. And if the offender persists in his ridiculous accusations, this hostility can develop into real hatred, blinding his eyes, rejecting common sense and requiring only one thing - to repay the offender at all costs. In this state, it’s really not long to grab the hammer ...

What kind of terrible force is this, capable of pushing an honest and respectable person to commit a crime just because someone has told him various nonsense?

In the language of Christian asceticism, such a force is called passion, but, of course, not in the sense that the authors of lyrical poems and love stories put into this word. In the Christian understanding, passion is a certain property of human nature, which was originally good and useful, but later turned out to be disfigured beyond recognition by sin and turned into a dangerous disease. The patristic literature speaks of eight basic sinful passions, to some extent inherent in every person: gluttony, fornication, avarice, anger, sadness, despondency, vanity, pride. All these passions-diseases hide in us for the time being, remaining unnoticed, although in fact they can gradually determine the whole structure of our life. But as soon as others touch these sores even a little, they immediately make themselves felt in the most direct way.

Actually, this is exactly what happened to the hero of Shukshin's story. After all, Sashka Ermolaev was in fact absolutely not to blame for the outrages that the saleswoman attributed to him. But the unjust accusation hurt his vanity and pride, and those, in turn, aroused anger. As a result, a nice and kind man almost became a murderer.

The stupid saleswoman and indifferent customers who supported her attacks on the innocent were certainly wrong. And, of course, you can’t offend people, it’s even unnecessary to talk about it. But one can still perceive the inflicted offense in very, very different ways. You can grab a hammer. And you can look into your heart and be horrified by the turbidity that an unjust insult raised in it. It is in such a situation that it is easiest to see your spiritually painful state, to understand how deeply passion has taken root in you. And then the offenders become, albeit involuntary, but still - benefactors who reveal to a person his spiritual ailments with their careless or even evil words and deeds.

Here is how the holy righteous John of Kronstadt spoke about this: “... do not be annoyed by ridicule and do not harbor hatred for those who hate and slander, but love them as your doctors, whom God sent to you in order to enlighten you and teach you humility, and pray God about them...

Speak: they do not slander me, but my passion, they do not beat me, but this snake that nests in my heart and hurts in it when slandering is applied. I console myself with the thought that, perhaps, good people will knock it out of there with their barbs, and then it will not hurt. ”

From coal to fire

Very often people get offended by seemingly harmless things. It is enough not just a word - just a glance, gesture or intonation for a person to see in them something insulting to himself. It's strange: after all, no one thought to offend anyone, and resentment again - right there, scratches the heart with a clawed paw and does not allow to live in peace.

ThoroughlyReviewed

The paradox here is that any unforgiven offense is always the "work" of the offended person and does not depend at all on someone else's extraneous efforts or their absence. This is directly indicated even by the grammatical structure of the word offended. Indeed, in this case, “sya” is nothing more than the now obsolete Slavic vocalization of the pronoun “myself”. Thus, being offended means offending oneself, that is, he gave free rein to thoughts that kindle in the soul a sweet mixture of consciousness of one's own humiliation and a sense of moral superiority over the offender. And although people do not like to admit such things even to themselves, everyone has known since childhood how pleasant it is to feel offended. There is some unhealthy pleasure in this, addicted to which you begin to look for resentment even where it was not in sight.

F. M. Dostoevsky writes in The Brothers Karamazov: “Sometimes it is very pleasant to be offended, isn't it? And after all, a person knows that no one offended him, but that he invented an insult to himself and lied for beauty, exaggerated himself in order to create a picture, attached himself to the word and made a mountain out of a pea - he himself knows this, but still the very first offended, offended to the point of pleasantness, to a feeling of greater pleasure, and thereby comes to true enmity ... "

In this familiar painful "pleasure" of offense, one can find the answer to the question: why in Christianity an unforgiven offense is defined as a grave sin.

To put it very briefly, the word sin is used by the Church to name that which is contrary to God's plan for man. In other words, sin is everything that is contrary to our nature, destroys us, harms our mental or bodily health, but at the same time promises some short-term pleasure and therefore seems desirable and pleasant. The suicidal principle of a person's attraction to sinful "joys" is quite accurately expressed in the famous Pushkin line: "... Everything, everything that threatens death, / conceals / inexplicable pleasures for the heart of a mortal ..." Even more categorically defined the destructive sweetness of sin, St. Isaac the Syrian, who said, that the sinner is like a dog that licks the saw and gets drunk on the taste of its own blood.

It is easy to see how strongly this tragic image resembles the intoxication of one's own resentment, described by Dostoevsky. And even if the offense turns out to be not far-fetched, but the most real, it doesn’t change anything at all.

Elīna Baltiņa

An ember of resentment can be carefully inflated in one's heart by reflections on the injustice of what happened, endless mental dialogues with the offender, awareness of one's own rightness and other ways that an offended person always has a great many. And as a result of all these “spiritual exercises”, resentment from a small coal gradually turns into a raging flame that can blaze in the soul for many months, or even years. And if, because of someone else's offensive word or deed, a person kindled such a fire in his own soul, then it would be quite natural to say about him that he was offended. That is, he offended himself.

Right to be offended?

A few decades ago, a positive image of the touchy hero arose in Soviet culture (although for the sake of harmony, his touchiness was then bashfully renamed vulnerability). This type roamed through various works of art and quietly took offense at the injustice and oppression that rained down on him from the generous hand of the author. So writers and filmmakers expressed their protest against human callousness, trying to draw the attention of the audience to the suffering and loneliness of a person in a soulless society of people-cogs. The goal was, of course, noble, and the image of a vulnerable hero worked here as well as possible. But, unfortunately, every stick has two ends. The reverse side of this artistic method was the romanticization of resentment itself. After all, if the one who offends is bad, then the one who is offended is good. Therefore: to offend is bad, and to be offended is good.

As a result of such an identification of the moral assessments of the hero and his state of mind, a whole generation of very vulnerable, but in fact - just touchy people has grown up on the same beautiful, poignant and kind stories by Vasily Makarovich Shukshin. They considered the right to be offended as a completely normal attribute of a person with a fine mental organization, therefore they reacted extremely sharply to the slightest manifestation of someone else's rudeness and spiritual callousness. This moral position was very convincingly voiced in his lyrical poem by Eduard Asadov:

How easy it is to offend a person:
He took and threw a word, angrier than pepper...
And then sometimes a century is not enough,
To return the lost heart.

At first glance, everything is correct and understandable. And in no case should you offend a person, and you need to follow your words when communicating - everything is so. But there is another very important theme in this short poem, which comes as if in the background and therefore is not so noticeable. The offended hero (left, as they say, behind the scenes) turns out to be so vulnerable that, because of one evil word, he is ready to close his heart forever for a person, and for a close person, since you can only lose what was yours. From such a categorical character of the hero, from this intolerance to other people's weaknesses and shortcomings, it becomes alarming, especially for himself. After all, with such a “subtlety” of nature, in the end, you can completely remain in splendid isolation, offended by the whole world. And this state is much more terrible and destructive than the most evil words and insults.

An offended person buries himself alive in the shell of his own claims to others, and even the Lord cannot free him from such a terrible imprisonment. Because you can break this shell only from the inside, sincerely forgiving your offenders. And let the offenders absolutely do not need our forgiveness. But we are in dire need of it.

Hieromartyr Arseniy (Zhadanovsky), killed by the Bolsheviks in 1937, wrote: “The virtue of forgiveness is all the more attractive because it immediately brings reward to the heart. At first glance, it will seem to you that forgiveness will humiliate, shame you and exalt your enemy. But not so in reality. You did not reconcile and, apparently, placed yourself high - but look, in your heart you put an oppressive, heavy stone, gave food for mental suffering. And vice versa: you forgave and, as it were, humiliated yourself, but on the other hand, you lightened your heart, brought joy and consolation to it.

Two testimonies

Forgiveness may seem easy for Christians, since they know so well what it means. However, this is not at all the case. Forgiveness of insults is always a feat in which, through your pain and humiliation, you need to see in the offender the same person as yourself, and through his anger and cruelty, see the same spiritual diseases that operate in you too. It is very difficult to do this, especially in cases where resentment has already taken deep roots in the soul, and even a conscious effort of will does not always help in the fight against this disaster.

It happens, for example, that a person has forgiven his offender, but when he offends again, the former evil also suddenly comes to life in the indignant soul. It happens that the offense is forgotten, and the offender is forgiven, but if trouble happens to him, we experience some kind of secret cruel satisfaction. And if we have overcome this step as well, then sometimes we cannot restrain bewilderment and disappointment when we learn about the well-being of the one who once offended us. Formally, while forgiving the offense caused, we deep down still continue to consider him our debtor and subconsciously hope that God will reward him according to his merits. But it is not at all this hope for the coming retribution that the Lord expects from us.

Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh worked as a doctor after the war and talked a lot with former victims of Nazi concentration camps. These were people who, for several years in a row, were offended every day so terribly that one cannot even think about it without a shudder. But what did they take away from this many years of experience of insults and humiliation, how did they treat their offenders? Vladyka Anthony cites two unique documents in his book - a prayer written on a piece of wrapping paper by a deceased prisoner of the Dachau death camp, and the story of his old acquaintance, who himself spent four years behind barbed wire. You can probably theorize about Christian forgiveness for as long as you like, agree with it, or dispute it... But in front of this unanimous testimony of two people who have endured unimaginable suffering, I just want to bow my head and reverently be silent:

Direz Zender

“Peace to all people of evil will! Let all revenge cease, all call for punishment and retribution. Crimes overflowed the cup, the human mind is no longer able to contain them. The hosts of martyrs are innumerable.

Therefore, do not place their sufferings on the scales of Your justice, Lord, do not turn them against their tormentors with a formidable accusation in order to exact from them a terrible retribution. Give them something else! Put on the scales, in defense of executioners, scammers, traitors and all people of evil will - courage, the spiritual strength of the tormented, their humility, their high nobility, their constant inner struggle and invincible hope, a smile that dried tears, their love, their tormented, broken hearts that remain steadfast and faithful in the face of death itself, even in moments of extreme weakness. Put all this, Lord, before Your eyes for the forgiveness of sins, as a ransom, for the sake of the triumph of righteousness, take into account good, not evil! And may we remain in the memory of our enemies not as their victims, not as a terrible nightmare, not as ghosts relentlessly pursuing them, but as assistants in their struggle to eradicate the revelry of their criminal passions…”

The second example is a person I knew very well. He was much older than me, a participant in the First World War, where he lost his arm; he, along with his mother Maria Skobtsova, saved people during the German occupation - Fedor Timofeevich Pyanov. The Germans took him to the camp, he was there for four years, survived. When he returned, I met him by chance on the street, I said: - Fedor Timofeevich, what did you bring back from the camp, what did you return with? I returned with horror and anxiety in my soul. Have you lost faith? “No,” he says, “but while I was a victim of cruelty in the camp, while I faced the danger of not only death, but torture, I could say every minute: Lord, forgive them, they don’t know what they are doing!” And I knew that God should hear my prayer, because I had the right to ask. Now I'm free; our tormentors, perhaps, did not understand and did not repent; but when I say now: Lord, forgive them, they do not know what they are doing, suddenly God will answer me: how will you prove the sincerity of your forgiveness?

You don't suffer, now it's easy for you to say. ..

This is also a hero of forgiveness.

And I am deeply convinced that in the end, when we all stand at the judgment of God, there will not be such a sacrifice that will not stand in defense of his tormentor, because before the time comes for the final Last Judgment on humanity, each, having died, he will have time to look at himself as if in a mirror of the Divine, to see himself in relation to Christ, to see what he was called to be and was not, and will no longer be able to condemn anyone ”(from the book of Metropolitan Anthony of Surozh "Man before God" ).

Introductory fragment Wilbert de Groot

Tags: Neighborhood Virtue Virtue Relations Forgiveness Sunday Forgiveness Sunday Psychology

Fig. Alena Gudkova
Offending a person is easy. To comprehend this bitter truth, it doesn't have to be psychologist or philosopher. A sad experience the inflicted offense is present in all people without exception, and everyone knows how much it can hurt the soul one single bad word. Grievances haunt person from early childhood. All in the sandbox even a little peanut brings another baby to tears, taking away his toy or breaking the one he built sand house. The next generation of students with joyful laughter torments with insulting nicknames of his classmates who are overweight, underweight vision or other physical defects. Well, about that how terribly, subtly and ruthlessly they know how to offend each other other adults, and I don’t want to talk again. And if a finely organized, vulnerable person cannot to repulse insult, betrayal or meanness, then last argument in favor of self-righteousness for he becomes resentful.
So why does Christianity encroach on this last stronghold of human dignity, why does it call voluntarily waive an inalienable right forgive pains and tears to those who ruthlessly burst into your life and burned your heart? What a paradoxical call sounds in the Gospel: . .. love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you you and pray for those who despitefully use you (Luke 6:27-28)? Maybe, this is the most obscure commandment of Christ. Indeed: well why love those who hate you, offend and persecute you? Already they probably least of all need our love and forgiveness. So why force yourself to do this? hard and thankless task?
Why you can't take revenge on your offenders, even more or less understandable: after all, if you repay evil with evil, then it is unlikely that there will be less evil in the world. With well-deserved insults everything is also clear, since a simple and universal clear principle: earned - get it and do not complain. BUT here's what to do when you're offended for no reason, if they spat in the soul, trampled and humiliated simply because what did the offenders want so much? Is it too- forgive?

When they grab the hammer

One of the best stories by Vasily Shukshin (who called - "Resentment") begins with banal and, alas, an everyday situation: a person was rude. He came with his little daughter to the store to buy milk, and the saleswoman mistook him for a hooligan who the day before, he made a drunken brawl here. And no matter how much poor Sashka Ermolaev justified himself, no matter how much he explained people around, that he was not to blame for anything - everything was in vain. In front of his daughter, he was disgraced, scolded last words for no reason. The story ends terrible picture: Sasha runs home for a hammer to break the head of one of his offenders. And only a happy accident prevents him from making murder.
This is, of course, just a work of art. But in Shukshin was able to surprisingly accurately show a strange feature of the human soul is sharp and very react painfully to unfair accusations. AT in fact, what's the trouble if they say nasty things about you, to which you have nothing to do! After all, conscience yours is clean and, it would seem, it’s just right to laugh and pity the people who are so deeply mistaken in your check.
But it wasn’t there ... It’s worth saying bad things to someone about us - and immediately a wave rises in the soul dislike this person. And if the offender is persist in their ridiculous accusations, this hostility can grow into real hatred, veiling the eyes, rejecting common sense and requiring only one thing - repay the offender at any cost. In such able to really grab the hammer for a short time ...
What is this terrible force capable of pushing an honest and respectable person to a crime just because did someone say some nonsense to him?
In the language of Christian asceticism, such a force is called passion, but certainly not in the sense that put into this word the authors of lyrical poems and love novels. In the Christian sense passion is some property of human nature, which initially was kind and helpful, but later turned out to be mutilated by sin beyond recognition and turned into dangerous disease. The patristic literature speaks of eight basic sinful passions, in one way or another inherent in every person: gluttony, fornication, avarice, anger, sadness, despondency, vanity, pride. All these passion-diseases hide in us for the time being, remaining unnoticed, although in fact they can gradually determine the whole structure of our life. But it costs others at least a little touch on these sores, as they are right there make themselves known in the most direct way.
Actually, this is exactly what happened to the hero of Shukshin story. After all, Sashka Ermolaev was indeed absolutely not to blame for the outrages that she attributed to him saleswoman. But the unjust accusation hurt his vanity and pride, and those, in turn, aroused anger. As a result, a nice and kind person barely didn't become a killer.
Stupid saleswoman and indifferent customers, those who supported her attacks on the innocent were certainly wrong. And, of course, you can’t offend people, about this even talking is unnecessary. But to perceive the inflicted Resentment can still be very, very different. Can grab the hammer. Can you look into your heart and to be horrified by the dregs that the unjust resentment. It is in this situation that it is easiest to see your spiritually painful state, understand how deep the passion took root in you. And then the offenders become albeit involuntary, but still - benefactors, which reveal to a person his spiritual ailments with their careless or even evil words and deeds.
This is how holy righteous John spoke about it Kronstadtsky: “... do not be annoyed by ridicule and do not hate those who hate and slander, but love them as your doctors, whom God sent to you in order to to enlighten you and teach you humility, and pray for them God ... Speak: they do not slander me, but my passion, not they beat me, but this snake that nests in my heart and it hurts in it when slander is applied. I console myself with the thought that perhaps good people will knock her out. from there with their barbs, and then it will not hurt it".

From coal to fire

Very often people are offended by seemingly completely harmless things. It is enough not just a word - just one look, gesture or intonation, so that a person I saw in them something offensive to myself. Strange affair: after all, no one thought to offend anyone, but resentment again - right there, scratching his heart with a clawed paw and not allows you to live in peace.
The paradox here is that any unforgiven resentment is always a "work" of the offended person and is not at all dependent on someone else's extraneous efforts or their absence. On it straight indicates even the grammatical structure of the word offended. Indeed, in this case, “sya” is nothing. other than the now obsolete Slavic vowel pronoun - "myself". So way, offended means offended himself, that is, he gave free rein thoughts that kindle in the soul a sweet mixture of consciousness own humiliation and sense of moral dominance over the offender. And though people don't like to admit such things even to themselves, but to everyone else since childhood it is known how pleasant it is to feel offended. There's an unhealthy pleasure in it addicted to which you begin to look for offense even where she didn't even exist.
F. M. Dostoevsky in The Brothers Karamazov writes: “After all, sometimes it’s very nice to be offended, isn’t it whether? And after all, a person knows that no one offended him, and that he invented an insult to himself and lied for beauty, he himself exaggerated to create a picture, attached to the word and he made a mountain out of a pea, he himself knows this, but after all, the very first is offended, offended to pleasantness, to a feeling of greater pleasure, and thereby comes to to true enmity...”
In this familiar, painful “pleasure” resentment can be found the answer to the question: why in Christianity unforgiven offense is defined as a grave sin. If a to speak very briefly, the Church calls the word sin that which which is contrary to God's plan for man. In other words, sin is everything that is contrary to our nature, destroys us, harms our mental or bodily health, but at the same time promises some short-term pleasure and therefore seems desirable and pleasant. The suicidal principle of man's attraction to sinful "joys" is quite accurately expressed in the famous Pushkin line: “... Everything, everything that is death threatens, / conceals for the heart of a mortal / inexplicable pleasures ... ”Even more categorically defined the destructive sweetness of sin, Saint Isaac the Syrian, who said that the sinner is like a dog that licks a saw and drunk on the taste of his own blood.
It is easy to see how strong this tragic image recalls the rapture of one's own resentment, described Dostoevsky. And even if the offense turns out to be not far-fetched, but the most that neither is real, it's absolutely nothing does not change.
An ember of resentment can be carefully inflated in one's heart thinking about the injustice of what happened, endless mental dialogues with the offender, consciousness self-righteousness and in other ways that there will always be a great many offended people. And in as a result of all these "spiritual exercises" resentment from a small coal gradually turns into a raging flame that can blaze in the soul for long months, or even years. And if because of someone else's offensive word or deed a person kindled such a fire in his own soul, then it would be quite natural to say about him that he - offended. That is, he offended himself.

The right to be offended?

A few decades ago, in Soviet culture, a a positive image of a touchy hero (true, touchiness its euphony was then bashfully renamed into vulnerability). This type roamed through various artistic works and quietly took offense at injustice and the oppression that rained down on him from generous author's hand. So writers and filmmakers expressed their protest against human callousness, trying draw the attention of the audience to suffering and loneliness a person in a soulless society of people-cogs. The goal was certainly noble, and the image of a vulnerable hero worked here is the best. But, unfortunately, every stick - two ends. The reverse side of this artistic method was the romanticization of resentment itself. After all, if the one who offends is bad, which means the one who offended - good. Therefore: to offend - bad, but being offended is good.
As a result of this identification of moral assessments hero and his state of mind on the same beautiful, poignant and kind stories of Vasily Makarovich Shukshin, a whole generation of very vulnerable people has grown up, but in fact in fact, just touchy people. The right to be offended considered a completely normal attribute of a person with a thin mental organization, therefore it is extremely acute reacted to the slightest manifestation of someone else's rudeness and mental hardness. This moral position is very convincingly voiced in his lyric poem Edward Asadov:

How easy it is to offend a person:
He took and threw a word, angrier than pepper ...
And then sometimes a century is not enough,
To return the lost heart.

At first glance, everything here is correct and understandable. And offend a person is impossible in any case, and behind his own words with communication needs to be monitored - that's all. But there is in this short poem, another very important topic, which goes as if by the second plan and therefore is not so noticeable. Offended hero (remaining, as they say, behind the scenes) turns out to be so vulnerable that because of one evil words ready to forever close your heart to a man, and for a loved one, since you can lose only what was yours. From such categoricalness of the hero, from this intolerance of other people's weaknesses and shortcomings becomes anxious, especially for himself. After all, since such a "subtlety" of nature in the end you can even remain in splendid isolation, offended by the whole world. And this state is much more terrible and destructive, than the most evil words and insults. offended person buries himself alive in the shell of his own claims to around, and free him from such a terrible imprisonment not even the Lord can. Because to break this shell can only be done from within, sincerely forgiving your offenders. And let offenders absolutely do not need our forgiveness. But we are in dire need of it.
Hieromartyr Arseniy (Zhadanovsky), killed by the Bolsheviks in 1937, wrote: “The virtue of forgiveness is still attractive that she immediately brings a reward for herself in the heart. At first glance, it will seem to you that forgiveness humiliate, shame you and exalt your enemy. But not like that in reality. You have not reconciled and, apparently, set yourself high - and look, in your heart you laid an oppressive, heavy stone, gave food for the soul suffering. And vice versa: you forgave and, as it were, humiliated yourself, but but he lightened his heart, brought joy into it and comfort".

Two certificates

It may seem that forgiveness for Christians is an easy matter, since they know so well what it is meaning. However, this is not at all the case. Forgiveness of insults - always a feat in which, through your pain and humiliation, you need to to see in the offender the same person as yourself, and through his malice and cruelty to discern the same spiritual illnesses that work in you too. To do this very difficult, especially in cases where resentment is already took deep roots in the soul, and even a conscious volitional effort does not always help in the fight against this affliction.
It happens, for example, that a person has forgiven his offender, but when he offends again, then in the indignant soul the former evil also comes to life sharply. It happens that resentment forgotten, and the offender is forgiven, but if trouble happens to him, we we experience some kind of secret cruel satisfaction. What if overcame this stage, yet sometimes we cannot restrain bewilderment and disappointment when we learn about the well-being of the one who offended us once. Formally forgiving the offense caused, we in the depths of our souls nevertheless we continue to consider him our debtor and subconsciously We hope that God will reward him according to his merits. But quite not this hope for the coming retribution expects from us Lord.
Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh worked as a doctor after the war and I talked a lot with former victims of Nazi concentration camps. These were people whom for several years in a row every day offended so terribly that one cannot even think about it without shudder. But what did they take away from this long-term experience of insults and humiliation, how did they treat their offenders? Vladyka Anthony cites in his book two unique document - a prayer written on a piece of wrapping papers by a deceased prisoner of the Dachau death camp, and a story his old acquaintance, who himself spent behind the barbed wire for four years. Probably for as long as you like. theorize about Christian forgiveness, agree with him, or challenge him ... But before this unanimous testimonies of two people who endured the unthinkable suffering, I just want to bow my head and reverently silence:
“Peace to all people of evil will! Let it stop any revenge, any call for punishment and retribution. Crimes overflowed the cup, the human mind is not in more power to accommodate them. Hosts are innumerable martyrs.
Therefore, do not place their suffering on the scales of Your justice, Lord, do not turn them against the tormentors a formidable accusation in order to exact from them a terrible retribution. Give them something else! Put it on the scales, in defense executioners, informers, traitors and all people of evil will - courage, spiritual strength of the tormented, their humility, their high nobility, their constant internal struggle and invincible hope, a smile that dried tears, their love, their tormented, broken hearts, remaining adamant and faithful in the face of death itself, even in moments extreme weakness. Lay it all, Lord, before Your eyes into the forgiveness of sins, like a ransom, for the sake of triumph righteousness, consider the good and not the evil! And let us we will remain in the memory of our enemies, not as their victims, not as a terrible nightmare, not like ghosts haunting them, but as helpers in their struggle to eradicate their revelry criminal passions…”
The second example is of a person whom I am very close to knew. He was much older than me, a member of the first world war where he lost his arm; he and his mother Maria Skobtsova saved people during the German occupation - Fedor Timofeevich Pyanov. The Germans took him to the camp, he was there for four years, survived. When he returned, I met him by chance on the street, I say: - Fedor Timofeevich, what did you bring back from camps, what did you come back with? — I returned with horror and anxiety in the soul. Have you lost faith? — No, he says, but while I was in the camp a victim of cruelty while I stood before the danger only death, but torture, I could say every minute: Lord, forgive them, they don't know what they're doing! And I knew that God should hear my prayer because I had the right to ask. Now I'm free; our tormentors be, did not understand and did not repent; but when I say now: Lord, I'm sorry, they don't know what they're doing - all of a sudden God will answer me: how will you prove the sincerity of your forgiveness? You don't suffer, now it's easy for you talk.

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