How to start off a relationship
Starting a Relationship 101
Starting a Relationship 101
There are typically many questions running through our minds when starting a relationship. Does she really like me? Could things get serious? Is he the right choice? Where is this going? In this transitional period, we spend about as much time analyzing the relationship as we do participating in it.
With everything from our casual text messages to our deepest confessions of love up to scrutiny, it’s easy to get sidetracked from the simple truth of how we feel and what we want. It’s tempting to say, “just listen to your heart,” but when it comes to starting a relationship, your mind plays an important role. Starting a relationship can be a joyful, stress-free experience when we learn to tune in to what’s important and to tune out the second-guessing, insecure and critical thoughts that lead us astray. With that in mind, here are some tips on how to mindfully fall in love.
Don’t be afraid to be vulnerableWhen starting a relationship, it’s easy to put up our guard in hopes we won’t get hurt. It can be scary at first to think of opening up to someone or letting someone really get to know us on a more intimate level. Fears will naturally arise, as will the pain of past hurts. We may experience these emotions in the form of anxiety or an instinct to hit the brakes. We may even resort to old defenses that lead us to pull away from someone before they can get too close to us. The best thing we can do is be aware of these reactions. Notice when they arise, but stand firm in our determination to stay open and be vulnerable to what may happen next.
It’s way too easy to engage in common socially accepted forms of game-playing that have invaded the world of dating. These games tend to have rules like, “Don’t answer his text. Don’t let him think you’re desperate” or “Don’t call her for at least three days. Make her think there are other people interested in you.” Unfortunately, these games often lead to confusion, miscommunications and heightened insecurities.
They cause us to deviate from the direct and honest communication that starting a relationship should involve. It’s best to spend more time thinking about how to honestly express who we are and how we feel rather than worrying about how we appear. Remember, people who are calm, honest and straight-forward tend to come off as just that.
It’s common when starting a relationship to hear all kinds of critical inner voices. The critical inner voice represents a self-destructive thought process that fuels our insecurities and hurts our self-esteem. We tend to listen to this “voice” a lot when we start dating someone. We may have thoughts toward ourselves like, “I can’t believe you just said that. You sound like an idiot!” or “She doesn’t even like you. You’re wasting your time.” These thoughts cause us to question ourselves and the people we’re attracted to.
If a person is showing interest in us, we may think to ourselves, “He is really acting into you.
What’s wrong with him? Is he desperate or something?” By undermining us and those with the potential to get close to us, our critical inner voice tries to ensure that we remain alone and unhappy. By standing up to this critic, giving ourselves and our partner a chance, we’re able to explore how we really feel and what makes us happy.
One tricky aspect of starting a relationship is the fact that we aren’t always attracted to people for the right reasons. When we get involved with someone, there are certain questions we should ask ourselves that can help us to not repeat destructive patterns from our past. First, we can ask, “Does this person remind me of someone from my past? Could his or her personality fit patterns or dynamics that played out in my childhood or in a previous relationship?”
These answers may be hard to uncover when we’re first dating someone, but the reality is, we tend to pick people who fit comfortably with our previous experiences.
These patterns can be destructive or hurtful to us, but because they’re familiar, we unconsciously recreate them with the people we date. If we felt rejected as a child, we may choose someone who is allusive or inconsiderate in the present. If we were dominated as a child, we may choose someone who is possessive and controlling.
It’s very helpful to get to know our relationship patterns and to try to break from destructive cycles we tend to repeat. By better understanding our past, we can better understand our motivations and attractions in the present. We can start to see the less favorable qualities we are drawn to in a partner and consciously choose people with healthier patterns of behavior. The change may challenge us, but ultimately, it will lead us to far more fulfilling, successful relationships.
Ask if He or She Has the Qualities of an Ideal PartnerAs we start to think about what qualities not to look for, we should also think about what qualities to look for in a partner.
An ideal partner is emotionally mature, honest, communicative, open to feed back, interested in our thoughts and feelings, independent, respectful, equal, compassionate, physically affectionate and has a sense of humor. This may sound like a long list, but these are basic qualities we can look for that, in the long run, matter more than anything else. Being able to trust our partner is key to maintaining lasting love in the relationship. When we are first starting a relationship, we can build that relationship on openness, respect and honesty. In doing so, we increase not only the longevity of the relationship but the quality of the time we spend together.
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Tags: fear of intimacy, love, relationship advice, vulnerability
10 Dos and Don'ts of Starting a New Relationship
- Relationships
- Love & Dating
Here's what you need to know before kicking off a brand-new partnership.
By
Kelly Dawson
Kelly Dawson
Kelly Dawson is a writer and editor who focuses on relationships. Her work has also appeared in Martha Stewart Living, Real Simple, Domino, Dwell Magazine, Bon Appétit, and Vox.
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Updated on 09/23/22
Reviewed by
Minaa B.
Reviewed by Minaa B.
Minaa B. is a writer, mental health professional, and founder of Minaa B. Consulting.
Brides's Editorial Guidelines
Licensed Master Social Worker
Unsplash | Design by Jiaqi Zhou
The beginning of any new relationship is usually a lot of fun (albeit a little stressful). Think about it: Someone you like and enjoy feels the same way about you. What could feel better than that, right? But even if both parties are on the same page feelings-wise, it's still important to maintain decorum because, no matter how into each other you are, there are still some right and wrong ways to begin any new relationship that can ruin the whole thing.
Of course, it's totally natural to feel intense passion and attraction for the person you're seeing, but being so enraptured may cause you to ignore potential red flags, such as the misalignment of your core beliefs and values. We chatted with psychologist and relationship expert Kelly Campbell, Ph.D., to hear her thoughts on the subject and get some insight regarding the best (and worst) ways to go about a new relationship.
Meet the Expert
Kelly Campbell, PhD, is a professor of psychology at California State University, San Bernardino. She specializes in relationships.
Do Add Variety to Your Dates
According to Campbell, mixing things up early on is a great idea. Instead of the usual Netflix-and-chill scenario, she suggests taking morning walks together, scheduling lunch dates, and enjoying the company of friends and colleagues. "It can be illuminating to see your partner navigate different situations and relationships," she adds. Plus, one potential road to a breakup is monotony, so try to avoid getting stuck in a rut too early on by keeping each date different than the last.
Keep in mind: You don't have to spend a ton of money to have a great date with your new partner.
Don't Always Be the First to Initiate Dates
Every date can feel like a first date in a new relationship because there's so much ground to cover: where you went to school, what your hometowns are like, and how many pets you had growing up, among about a million other topics to address. Our advice? Save these sweet stories for in-person dates. Campbell suggests, "If they initiated plans the first time, you can initiate the second time and so on, but don't always be the person texting first, calling, and initiating plans."
If they get used to you being the one doing all of the planning and reaching out, they'll stop making an effort because they know you will.
Do Maintain Independence
Spending every waking moment with a new partner can put you at risk of losing yourself and your friends, too. "In the most long-lasting relationships, partners maintain their sense of independence," says Campbell.
"See family and friends, continue to exercise and work hard, and prioritize alone-time; balance is important." If you make your whole life about your new partner, you end up putting a lot of pressure on the relationship to be your sole source of happiness and fulfillment.
Don't Skip the Sexual Health Conversation
"If you aren't comfortable asking them about STDs and STIs or telling them about your own sexual health, it's not yet the time to have sex," Campbell admits. Wait until you're both comfortable having an honest conversation about health before becoming intimate. That way, you'll be able to enjoy it more and have a bit more confidence in the relationship.
You also shouldn't feel shame talking about sex outside of health. Tell your partner what you like, what you don't like, and what you'd want to try.
Do Watch Out for Red Flags
Campbell says that ignoring red flags only prolongs the inevitable demise of the relationship. If, say, your new love criticizes you, makes plans, and repeatedly cancels, you catch them in a lie, or you see them treating others poorly, "they're probably not worth investing in for the long-term," she notes.
Trust us, it's easy to throw on a pair of rose-colored glasses when you really like someone because you want to see the best in them, but it's important to see all of someone, not just the good things.
Don't Be Close-Minded
“Try to remain open to trying new foods and participating in new activities,” Campbell advises, “The start of a new relationship ought to be light and fun, and things can become more serious with time.” With that in mind, maybe keep the conversations about highly controversial topics to a minimum in the beginning.
Do Respect Yourself
Treating yourself well sets an example of how your partner should treat you, and it signifies what you will and will not tolerate. "There's nothing wrong with being principled, knowing yourself, and being yourself," Campbell offers. "Do things for yourself, too." If they call you with an impromptu date invitation, but you need a self-care night to put on a face mask and snuggle with your furry friend, suggest a different day for date night.
Don't Denigrate Yourself
"If you have things in your past that you consider less than ideal—for example, if you just got fired or your previous partner cheated on you—then find a way to discuss or disclose these things in a positive light," Campbell advises. Keeping these things secret because you want them to see you a certain way is never a good idea.
Being vulnerable is part of dating, especially in the early stages of a new relationship, so you shouldn't feel any shame in sharing about past relationships (or anything else, for that matter). No one expects perfection, so hiding experiences that shape you into who you currently are isn't necessary.
Don't Have Sex Too Soon
We live in a time of sex-positivity, meaning we don't believe that you should wait until a certain amount of time goes by before having sex with your new partner for the first time. "The amount of time to wait before having sex differs for every couple; there is no such thing as too soon or too long.
The right time is when both people are 100% ready," Campbell discloses. The worst thing you can do in a new relationship is to have sex before you feel ready because you're worried they'll lose interest in you if you wait.
Do Communicate Often and Well
"Say what you mean and mean what you say, be direct and considerate, choose battles wisely, treat your partner well, and avoid destructive things like yelling, insulting, and judging," Campbell says. You may notice that you feel like you can read your childhood friends' minds because you know them so well, but that kind of closeness comes with time and, unfortunately, years together is the one thing you and your new partner don't have. You can't expect them to be able to guess what you're thinking, so be as communicative as you possibly can.
6 Signs You're Ready for a New Relationship
5 relationship tips for realists, not romantics
Psychology
If you are tired of hearing that “there are a lot of fish in the sea”, but personal experience brings only disappointment, it's time to change tactics.
Tips from psychologists will ensure a successful catch by arming you with the rule of five "don'ts".
1. Don't look for the "one"
The sooner you get out of your head the idea that your soul mate is wandering somewhere on Earth, the sooner you will meet someone real with the right set of qualities that you can soberly evaluate.
“Don't believe in fairy tales that karma, god or fate will send you a soul mate,” advises Zach Brittle, psychotherapist and co-host of the Marriage Therapy Radio podcast. - The beginning of any relationship comes down to one thing: a conscious choice to be with a specific person, recognizing his features, habits, cracks and all that. Turn off the mode of romantic perception of reality for a while.
Realists use the same method that Human Resources employees use in job interviews—thoughtful conversation that helps assess compatibility and obvious problems.
You are studying the chances of success, which is why you are negotiating.
”
If the idea of a soul mate doesn't leave you alone, reconfigure your belief system: tell yourself that there are several souls in the world with whom complete reciprocity and harmony are possible, if you get even a little tense about it.
“Try to think of first dates as a healthy exercise that helps you figure out what you want in a relationship and realize how great you are,” continues Brittle. - Focus on the personality traits, values, and needs that you have, rather than what you think would suit this subject. Already at the stages of dating, there will be a much more promising relationship if you focus on what you want, not him.
2. Don't bid high
When you're immersed in active searches on dating apps, it's easy to feel swayed by the sight of strangers. You look at the photo, read the brief diagnosis he gave himself, and decide if the character is cute enough to swipe to the right. Then, if your interests match, send a message, wait for a response, and probably arrange a date that can both please and disappoint.
Sooner or later, you get tired of waving your finger and wonder why it is even necessary and why you are wasting time on meaningless garbage. The advice is the same: change your mindset.
Don't keep your head in the clouds wondering if this person will become the love of your life - focus on just getting to know them.
“Plan a meeting without being tied to the outcome,” explains Greg Cason, a psychologist in Los Angeles. “Behave naturally, be yourself and trust that this is the only way you will get a clear picture of your overall capabilities, even if you never see each other again.”
3. Do not drink on the first date
Alcohol can distort the mind and exaggerate potential relationships. As one popular actress said: "If I have two glasses of champagne in me, I can feel chemistry with anyone."
“If you know that feeling, but don't lose hope of a serious relationship, go dry on dates,” Cason recommends.
“Alcohol relieves nervous tension, but in addition, it dampens the ability to think rationally and, therefore, lowers standards.”
Tip for those who feel awkward without a glass in hand: order a light bittersweet soda cocktail and let yourself, confident and witty, take control of a date and find out if this person is really worthy of your time.
4. Don't invent something that isn't there
He would be perfect... if he could listen and didn't call his mother every day. You could make a wonderful couple ... if he loved to travel and at the same time made decent money. Say a firm "no" to this train of thought. If you are seriously considering changing him for the sake of loving you, consider again the reality of what is happening.
“Love is strong, but it doesn't turn sluts into neat girls or swineherds into princes,” insists Meg Rector, a California dating coach. “When you meet a person, you can believe that he will develop, grow and acquire new habits, but in general he, with almost one hundred percent probability, will remain unchanged.
”
5. Don't delay if you're not interested
We tend to think that courtesy is paramount, but sometimes it's obvious right from the start that things won't work out. If you realized this during the first date, you should not continue the dialogue. Say goodbye politely and leave the meeting place in half an hour or so.
“A clear and honest end to a hopeless relationship, no matter how short, is justified from all sides, as it allows both to move calmly in the desired direction. Nobody wants to be dynamized or stored for future use,” says Meg Rector.
Ending a date doesn't have to be long or painful - be tactful, but don't get confused by lengthy explanations.
It's as easy as sending a short message: “It was nice to meet you, but I don't think we're a good match. Good luck!".
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Smirnova Natasha
Tags
- Psychology
- relationships
10 valuable tips on how (and with whom) to start a relationship
Psychology
ups and downs, quarrels and reconciliations, all these “I love you” and “we will have to leave”, I want to go through a short cognitive course in advance, which will guide you when you can completely dissolve in mutual love or wait for a tense stage.
Of course, for each couple there are individual secrets of joint happiness, but there are also universal rules for those who have felt mutual interest and would like more.
Here's a quick guide to relationships in ten tips to figure out how promising your attachment is.
1. Always be yourself
Believe in individual harmony and never change yourself for the sake of others. Don't conform to your partner's desires, whims, or life choices by overriding your own priorities. By daily creating for your loved one the “better” version of yourself (or who you think he wants you to be), you are writing off all the beauty that is already in you. Being honest in a relationship is possible only by sincerely accepting yourself and your feelings.
Brooklyn (2015)
2. Engage in dialogue
Ask questions from the first date and continue to practice this skill all the time - everyone loves to be listened to, and you are interested in knowing what it is, is not it? And feel free to part with those who do not ask you questions, that is, are not interested in your life and opinion.
There is no point in waiting for him to guess your needs and desires until you say so. No matter what it seems to him, partners cannot read minds - about their favorite flowers, desserts or poses in sex.
Social Life (2016)
3. Trust your intuition
Don't twist reality, even if you don't really like it, listen to what your inner voice whispers. As Zach Brittle, a psychotherapist and co-host of the Marriage Therapy Radio podcast, says, “When people show who they really are, trust them.” Or another interesting piece of advice: “When you are going to get married, make sure that he is not only the one with whom you want to live in love and harmony, but the one with whom you can peacefully divorce.” It is important that the one you choose remains gentle, caring and kind-hearted, not only in good times, but also in bad times.
Future Boyfriend (2013)
4. Accept differences
And the fact that there is no right model for love (and relationships).
It does not matter what bouquets and rings your girlfriends give and how touching confessions look on the movie screen. If he expresses his feelings differently, it doesn't mean that he loves you less. Don't judge his emotions (and generally stop thinking about what others are experiencing or feeling) - just accept what is addressed to you and believe in the uniqueness of what is happening. Whatever your ideas about true love, reality will not match them by 90% is great.
"More Than Sex" (2010)
5. Don't Rely on Compromises
Compromise is a crutch for relationships that have had a chance to develop healthy. The more compromises, the more troubling the prospects. Real relationships involve partnerships not fifty-fifty, but one-hundred-one and mean that you give everything you are capable of (love, understanding, forgiveness, acceptance) and expect the same in return.
Labor Day (2013)
6. Do not follow the example of the Cinderella sisters
All women strive for love, nesting and education.
Sometimes these instincts take over so much that we start to “wear round and roll square”, encouraging ourselves in the style of “endure-fall in love”. Please do not. If it doesn't suit you, let it go. Think back to years of watching a friend, aunt, or even mom "pull" an unsuitable marriage onto herself. There is no need to learn this lesson in practice.
"Memories of the Future" (2014)
7. Take breaks to cool down
You must have heard more than once: “Don't go to bed without making peace!”. In fact, the opposite is true. Sometimes it's better to cool down from a heated argument, without having a showdown in the evening, and continue the conversation in the morning - with a fresh mind and, perhaps, from a different point of view. And, most importantly, when negative, selfish and scandalous emotions overcome, it is worth reminding yourself that most situations are not worthy of conflict at all (especially between lovers), and there are much calmer ways to understand a partner and find a solution to the problem.
“August Rush” (2007)
8. Don't complain to others
If a conflict does arise, enter into a dialogue, and don't carry rubbish in public. Instead of taunting your cute friends, talk directly and close the topic without resorting to outside help. This approach will strengthen your intimacy and prevent your friends from building a negative image on what was probably a temporary problem.
Irrational Man (2015)
9. Staying is always a choice
Sometimes the relationship has run its course, you know it's over, but you feel too helpless and scared to leave, telling yourself to "try again" to end up with the same heartbreaking conclusions. Relationships do not know the format of "survival" - learn to love yourself so that you can leave. Life goes on after a breakup, even if it feels like the end of the world. You will have many opportunities to find love, trust this mantra.
Moonlight Magic (2014)
10. Forget your luck
Chances are this advice will stick in your head because it is as true as it is straightforward.
