Children rejected by parents
Coping With the Rejection Of a Child
One of the hardest things to experience is the betrayal wound that occurs when your own child grows up to hate you. I have seen this numerous times in my life, to the point that I am compelled to write about it.
Parents who have been rejected by one or more of their children experience a type of pain that is not matched by any other even the betrayal of a spouse or parent.
If you are a parent who has been rejected by your child or children then hopefully this paper will be beneficial to you. Of course, if you were and still are an abusive parent, then perhaps your child did what was necessary in order to protect him or herself from further abuse; but, if you are a typical, good enough parent, then your childs rejection is unnatural and unhealthy for all involved.
What types of children reject their parent(s) in this respect? (Note: these options are not mutually exclusive.)
- Children with Narcissistic Parental Alienation Syndrome
- Children with attachment trauma
- Children with personality disorders
If you are experiencing the heart ache of a child who rejected you, then you probably feel devastated, hurt, confused, angry, furious, misunderstood, shocked, invalidated, and empty. Was I a bad parent? Why did my children turn against me? What could I have done differently? Maybe I said no too many times. Maybe I shouldnt have been so hard on him/her. Where did I go wrong?
Many questions enter your mind.
Usually, children, no matter what, are loyal to their parents even very neglectful and abusive ones. When a child rejects a parent it usually has something to do with something else other than abuse or neglect. In fact, when a person cuts ties with an abusive or neglectful parent it is usually a difficult process and requires the child to set difficult boundaries, and is nearly impossible to do.
What about the parent whose child rejects them easily or with no sense of conscience or remorse, acting as if their parent were Attila the Hun, using criticism and judgment as tools of attack against the parent; using every weakness of the parent as justification for the ostracizing him/her? This type of parental rejection is not natural and is usually the result of one of the above three mentioned possibilities.
I will discuss each option here.
Children with Narcissistic Parental Alienation Syndrome:
This is the dynamic that occurs when a child is manipulated by the narcissistic parent to reject the other, healthy and empathic parent. It happens because the narcissistic parent uses a type of invisible coercion to convince the child that the other parent is no good. In essence, the narcissistic parent teaches his/her child to hate his/her other parent, and uses the child as a weapon to hurt the other, non-narcissistic parent.
Often this is done by implication and non-verbal communication, such as when a child returns home from being with the targeted parent and the narcissist acts overly concerned or alarmed by anything that may have gone on at the targeted parents house; by acting as if there is cause for distress, and that the child is very fortunate to be away from that unhealthy environment…
For further information on the topic of Narcissistic Parental Alienation, please click here.
Children with attachment trauma:
While attachment occurs all through the human lifespan, the most crucial time in a human beings life for attachment is between the times of birth to two years. If the child experiences a breach in time, away from the mother, for any reason be it abuse, neglect, or something else prevents the mother from being present and attuned to her child, then attachment trauma results.
Once a child has not connected properly with his/her mother, then the child did not develop the appropriate skills for having a healthy interpersonal attachment. A mother needs to provide the necessary attunement and resonance needed to learn how to love and trust another person. When a child is not given that type of relational input, he/she adjusts or copes by shutting down his/her needs. This results in later relationship problems, particularly involving the relationship with the mother, or anyone else offering intimacy and nurturing.
Children with personality disorders:
There appears to be a genetic component to personality disorders.
If a child has a parent or other person in his biological family with a personality disorder, or even other mental illness, then perhaps he/she has inherited a biological propensity to have a personality disorder him/herself.
According to Google dictionary, a personality disorder is defined as: a deeply ingrained and maladaptive pattern of behavior of a specified kind, typically manifest by the time one reaches adolescence and causing long-term difficulties in personal relationships or in functioning in society.
As you can see by this definition that people with personality disorders are not easy to have close relationships with; this would include parent-child relationships.
What to do?
The best advice I can offer is as follows:
- Ask your child what he or she needs from you in order to repair the relationship.
If your child tells you something specific, just listen and determine if you can honor your childs request. If it is reasonable and sincere, than do your best to repair what has been broken.
- Dont act on your feelings of defensiveness. If you feel defensive, learn to talk within your own head and keep your mouth shut. You should not defend yourself to your child. You can say something neutral, such as, I have a different perspective on the story, but Im not going to defend myself because it wont be productive.
- Expect Respect. Realize that no matter what, everyone deserves to be treated with respect including you.
- Dont idealize your children or your relationship with them. Yes, our children are the most important people in our lives, but they should not be idealized or enshrined. They are mere mortals just like you and I.If your child is rejecting you, its one thing to feel disappointed and sad, but it becomes unhealthy if you cant focus on anything else other than that. You are best served to remind yourself that you have other relationships that are important as well, and learn to focus on the ones that work.
- Grieve. Allow yourself to feel the sadness of being rejected by your child. Grieve over the loss of the innocence that the relationship once was. Grieve over your lost child even though he or she is still alive. In your world, he/she is no longer part of your life. That sense of what can I do? keeps you yearning and longing for reconciliation; but sometimes reconciliation is not forthcoming.
- Live one day at a time. Even if you have no contact with your child today, you have no way of knowing what tomorrow may bring. None of us does. The best thing we can do is to live the best way we know how today. When you can focus on one day only, you feel less hopeless and desperate. Remind yourself, I cannot predict the future.
- Dont beg. No matter how hurt or desperate you feel to have a relationship with your rejecting child, never stoop to the level of begging for attention or even forgiveness. You will not be respected by your child if you beg and it will demean your position as a parent.
- Be empowered. Dont let your rejecting child steal your personal power. Just because you are having difficulties in this area of your life, dont get to the place where you feel personally defeated. Do what it takes to be good to yourself seek therapy, join a support group, travel, go to the gym, do whatever you can to own your own power and stop giving it away to anyone else.
One thing that is certain about life is that it is about all about letting go. As parents our job is to raise our children to the best of our ability and teach them how to be independent, productive adults. If, during the process, they choose a path we dont agree with, we must remind ourselves that we cant live their lives for them. Learning to let go is the best way to manage any part of life that doesnt go the way we expect, including when our children choose to reject us.
Coping With the Rejection Of a Child
One of the hardest things to experience is the betrayal wound that occurs when your own child grows up to hate you.
I have seen this numerous times in my life, to the point that I am compelled to write about it.
Parents who have been rejected by one or more of their children experience a type of pain that is not matched by any other even the betrayal of a spouse or parent.
If you are a parent who has been rejected by your child or children then hopefully this paper will be beneficial to you. Of course, if you were and still are an abusive parent, then perhaps your child did what was necessary in order to protect him or herself from further abuse; but, if you are a typical, good enough parent, then your childs rejection is unnatural and unhealthy for all involved.
What types of children reject their parent(s) in this respect? (Note: these options are not mutually exclusive.)
- Children with Narcissistic Parental Alienation Syndrome
- Children with attachment trauma
- Children with personality disorders
If you are experiencing the heart ache of a child who rejected you, then you probably feel devastated, hurt, confused, angry, furious, misunderstood, shocked, invalidated, and empty.
Was I a bad parent? Why did my children turn against me? What could I have done differently? Maybe I said no too many times. Maybe I shouldnt have been so hard on him/her. Where did I go wrong?
Many questions enter your mind.
Usually, children, no matter what, are loyal to their parents even very neglectful and abusive ones. When a child rejects a parent it usually has something to do with something else other than abuse or neglect. In fact, when a person cuts ties with an abusive or neglectful parent it is usually a difficult process and requires the child to set difficult boundaries, and is nearly impossible to do.
What about the parent whose child rejects them easily or with no sense of conscience or remorse, acting as if their parent were Attila the Hun, using criticism and judgment as tools of attack against the parent; using every weakness of the parent as justification for the ostracizing him/her? This type of parental rejection is not natural and is usually the result of one of the above three mentioned possibilities.
I will discuss each option here.
Children with Narcissistic Parental Alienation Syndrome:
This is the dynamic that occurs when a child is manipulated by the narcissistic parent to reject the other, healthy and empathic parent. It happens because the narcissistic parent uses a type of invisible coercion to convince the child that the other parent is no good. In essence, the narcissistic parent teaches his/her child to hate his/her other parent, and uses the child as a weapon to hurt the other, non-narcissistic parent.
Often this is done by implication and non-verbal communication, such as when a child returns home from being with the targeted parent and the narcissist acts overly concerned or alarmed by anything that may have gone on at the targeted parents house; by acting as if there is cause for distress, and that the child is very fortunate to be away from that unhealthy environment…
For further information on the topic of Narcissistic Parental Alienation, please click here.
Children with attachment trauma:
While attachment occurs all through the human lifespan, the most crucial time in a human beings life for attachment is between the times of birth to two years. If the child experiences a breach in time, away from the mother, for any reason be it abuse, neglect, or something else prevents the mother from being present and attuned to her child, then attachment trauma results.
Once a child has not connected properly with his/her mother, then the child did not develop the appropriate skills for having a healthy interpersonal attachment. A mother needs to provide the necessary attunement and resonance needed to learn how to love and trust another person. When a child is not given that type of relational input, he/she adjusts or copes by shutting down his/her needs. This results in later relationship problems, particularly involving the relationship with the mother, or anyone else offering intimacy and nurturing.
Children with personality disorders:
There appears to be a genetic component to personality disorders.
If a child has a parent or other person in his biological family with a personality disorder, or even other mental illness, then perhaps he/she has inherited a biological propensity to have a personality disorder him/herself.
According to Google dictionary, a personality disorder is defined as: a deeply ingrained and maladaptive pattern of behavior of a specified kind, typically manifest by the time one reaches adolescence and causing long-term difficulties in personal relationships or in functioning in society.
As you can see by this definition that people with personality disorders are not easy to have close relationships with; this would include parent-child relationships.
What to do?
The best advice I can offer is as follows:
- Ask your child what he or she needs from you in order to repair the relationship. If your child tells you something specific, just listen and determine if you can honor your childs request. If it is reasonable and sincere, than do your best to repair what has been broken.
- Dont act on your feelings of defensiveness. If you feel defensive, learn to talk within your own head and keep your mouth shut. You should not defend yourself to your child. You can say something neutral, such as, I have a different perspective on the story, but Im not going to defend myself because it wont be productive.
- Expect Respect. Realize that no matter what, everyone deserves to be treated with respect including you.
- Dont idealize your children or your relationship with them. Yes, our children are the most important people in our lives, but they should not be idealized or enshrined. They are mere mortals just like you and I.If your child is rejecting you, its one thing to feel disappointed and sad, but it becomes unhealthy if you cant focus on anything else other than that. You are best served to remind yourself that you have other relationships that are important as well, and learn to focus on the ones that work.
- Grieve. Allow yourself to feel the sadness of being rejected by your child. Grieve over the loss of the innocence that the relationship once was. Grieve over your lost child even though he or she is still alive. In your world, he/she is no longer part of your life. That sense of what can I do? keeps you yearning and longing for reconciliation; but sometimes reconciliation is not forthcoming.
- Live one day at a time. Even if you have no contact with your child today, you have no way of knowing what tomorrow may bring. None of us does. The best thing we can do is to live the best way we know how today. When you can focus on one day only, you feel less hopeless and desperate. Remind yourself, I cannot predict the future.
- Dont beg. No matter how hurt or desperate you feel to have a relationship with your rejecting child, never stoop to the level of begging for attention or even forgiveness. You will not be respected by your child if you beg and it will demean your position as a parent.
- Be empowered. Dont let your rejecting child steal your personal power. Just because you are having difficulties in this area of your life, dont get to the place where you feel personally defeated. Do what it takes to be good to yourself seek therapy, join a support group, travel, go to the gym, do whatever you can to own your own power and stop giving it away to anyone else.
One thing that is certain about life is that it is about all about letting go. As parents our job is to raise our children to the best of our ability and teach them how to be independent, productive adults. If, during the process, they choose a path we dont agree with, we must remind ourselves that we cant live their lives for them. Learning to let go is the best way to manage any part of life that doesnt go the way we expect, including when our children choose to reject us.
Rejected child. What annoys his parents? | Psychology
Whatever he does is useless. In the end, he comes to the conclusion: “They don’t like me!” He sees how other mothers and fathers are patiently affectionate with their children, forgive them a lot, do not pull up with a cry for every wrongdoing.
It's easy to be principled when you don't love.
The causes of parental irritation are easy to find.
First: the child is not what we would like. Not so handsome, not so smart, not so successful. There is a transfer by one of the adults of his unfulfilled desire to the fate of the growing child.
For example, my mother dreamed of becoming a famous pianist, but it didn't work out. It infuriates her when her son spends time at the computer, and does not play the violin. Another example. The father wants his son not to be a "loser", as he was in his time. I enrolled the boy in the martial arts section, but no success. So he is angry that his son is not what he dreamed of. As if someone is born to justify someone's hopes. Children are not born to meet your expectations
Photo: Depositphotos
The second reason: the undesirable traits of the parent himself are reflected in the child as in a mirror.
Man would like to see the ideal in front of him, the result of his creation, but he sees only his own reflection. As they say, there is nothing to blame on the mirror, if it didn’t come out in the face. The less the defect is recognized by the parent, the more he is angry about his offspring.
Real life examples. The head of the family literally "loses his temper" when he helps his son solve math problems. In essence, he is angry at himself, at his inability to intelligibly and sensibly explain something to other people. It is easier to punish your son for stupidity than to admit that you are a bad teacher.
Another example. In a woman, when she is worried, her voice becomes rather loud. The daughter only repeats her timbre. Instead of accepting her voice as an integral part of herself, she prefers to scold her daughter for speaking loudly.
Her mother did the same. Photo: Depositphotos
The third reason for not accepting a child: with his features, facial expressions, behavior, he involuntarily repeats one of his unloved relatives (ex-husband or mother-in-law). The so-called "genetic factor". Obviously, there is no fault in this child: he did not choose his relatives, his parents did it for him. And then, at that moment, this choice suited them somehow! Otherwise they wouldn't have done it.
* * *
Philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer despised women, considered them stupid, hysterical creatures. He wrote: "Short, narrow-shouldered, wide-hips sex could be called beautiful only by the mind of a man clouded by sexual urge."
He had a difficult relationship with his mother.
Maybe that's the whole point...
His mother, Johanna, married when she was 18 years old. Her husband, Heinrich Schopenhauer, was 20 years older than her. He was a rich merchant, a respected man in the city. The marriage was clearly calculated. Johanna never hid her feelings for her husband, or rather, their absence. She wrote to her son: "I pretended to love this man no more than he demanded" .
Arthur Schopenhauer
Photo: ru.wikipedia.org
After her husband committed suicide, Johanna became a free woman. She opened a literary salon and realized her cherished dream - she became a writer. Moreover, a popular author of romance novels. Wrote, no more, no less, 20 volumes of literary works. Her son demanded complete submission from her, was jealous of her fans, threw tantrums. That is, he behaved exactly the same as his father had once behaved towards her.
She wrote to him:
“There is not a single unpleasant moment in my life that I would not owe to you… I have studied your character enough. You are an outrageous, obnoxious type, with whom it is not possible to live under the same roof! Your conceit covers all your virtues, making them completely useless for society. You find flaws in everything but yourself! That's why you annoy people around."
Johanna Schopenhauer severed all relations with her son and put him out the door. They didn't see each other again.
* * *
An annoyed parent is understandable. It is very convenient to have a person at hand on whom you can blame anything - a bad mood, troubles at work, problems in the family, unwillingness to communicate with someone. You can only hear: “Because of you, we were late”, “I won’t go anywhere with you!”, “I don’t print money on a machine!”
It is convenient to pour negative emotions on another person, especially since he will not go anywhere anyway.
And he won't answer. If only because he does not know the true motives of the behavior of mom or dad - he has not grown up yet. It turns out that the child is bad, and not he himself, as a parent. No wonder they say: "In families in which they must love unconditionally, they put too many conditions." Photo: Depositphotos
The American film "East of Paradise" shows well how difficult it is for a child to live with a parent who does not love him. What stupid things he does to attract parental attention. How wrongly a father understands the actions of an unloved son.
By the way, there are often situations in life when unloved children have to take care of their elderly parents. As if fate specifically gives them a chance to "fall in love to their heart's content"! At least in this way, complete the cycle of parent-child relationships.
“Children need love, especially if they don't deserve it” (G. Halbert).
Tags: negative emotions, parent-child relationship, irritation
Rejected child
It is infinitely difficult for us to realize, admit, even admit that we have “rejected” our child. And yet it happens from time to time. Unless you are some exceptionally happy and fortunate person, you cannot help but feel deceived in some way, upset by some events of everyday life. And since our children are always spinning around us, we unwittingly make them scapegoats, on which we take our souls when we are in a bad mood. In addition, children increase our irritation by the fact that they have no sense of self-control and responsibility at all. Blaming them for this, we understand them as little as we understand ourselves.
Recall, for example, what happened two or three days ago when your mother-in-law kept you on the phone for ages and you couldn't get rid of her.
However, despite your impatience, you did not go beyond the bounds of decency. But as soon as you hung up, your 2.5-year-old daughter burst into tears because of some trifle. The question is, were you in control of yourself at that moment, as when you were talking with your mother-in-law? Perhaps you have poured out all the irritation that has accumulated during the telephone conversation on your daughter. You were angry with your daughter because you could not "discharge" on your mother-in-law. All this is quite understandable, although unreasonable, but it happens almost every day.
We reject the child every time we find that we are bored with him, that he bothers us. We reject it every time we yell at it, punish it, threaten it, impose our will by force. We come to the same result when we force the baby to sit on the potty for a long time or insistently convince us to say “thank you” and “please”. We reject him whenever we reproach him for lagging behind his brother or sister, when we say that he is a bad, good-for-nothing boy, or, even worse, that we do not love him.
There are so many ways—innocent, unintentional—to reject a child that it is simply impossible to list them all.
However, none of them makes the baby "rejected" forever, because, even scolding, we still continue to love him. We can inflict small wounds on his psyche, but at the same time, with thousands of kind words and special attention in calmer moments, we make him immensely happy. After all, children, as a rule, are not at all such fragile creatures as many authorities would like to assure us. They easily endure the many injustices committed against them, and really suffer only when they habitually and constantly feel our alienation from them.
The example of Jessica R is typical. She was the only daughter in the family, and yet her parents never paid enough attention to her. My father worked very hard and therefore was rarely at home, although he did not bring enough money. In addition, a pessimist by nature, he was always dissatisfied with everything and endlessly complained about everything.
Mother - a businesslike, strong, domineering woman - served in the office supplemented the modest budget of the family. She, too, was at home a little, and when she came home from work, she spent a lot of time comforting her aching husband, bypassing her daughter with her attention. A nanny could have looked after Jessica, but her mother made too high demands on the order that she wanted to see in the house, and nannies changed one after another. None stayed long enough for Jessica to befriend her. Although the parents went to great expense for the sake of their daughter, Jessica did not feel at all that they loved her, did not believe in their good attitude. She saw her father and mother very rarely, most often in the evening, when they came to wash tired and irritated. The girl was so accustomed to loneliness that even at the age of 6, when she happened to be among her peers, she could hardly bear their company. The only refuge where she felt at ease and free was the world of her fantasies.
The parents did not notice this. Their neglect of their daughter meant only one thing - they did not want to have a child.
The same happens in wealthy families, where parents are so absorbed in their social life that their meetings with children resemble a fleeting date. All of us often hide behind being busy at work, which supposedly does not allow us to devote much time to our children. However, if we really wanted to, we would find this time. The fact remains.
The feeling of rejection that arises in children as a result of such neglect by parents is especially strong in the first year of a child's life. Studies have shown that children who do not see an abundance of affection and care in the first year of life, as a rule, develop much more slowly than their peers. In one medical clinic, it was found that the time needed to recover from simple childhood illnesses was halved by following a small ritual. It turns out that it was only required that everyone who enters the ward of a sick child for one reason or another should certainly stay there for a few minutes, take the baby in his arms, sing him some children's song or read a simple rhyme.
That's how dependent children are on our attention!
Orphans are a particularly striking example of the unfortunate consequences of the absence of parental affection and care.
Another way of rejecting a child—often we don't even notice it—has to do with the high hopes we place on our heirs. Parents who are especially persistent in forcing their children to achieve outstanding success in. some occupation, then to have the right to be proud of their children, they only harm them. Thunderclouds often hang over the first achievements. As soon as a child disappoints his parents even a little, and this inevitably happens sooner or later, he immediately begins to feel that he is not loved at all.
On a more modest scale, this phenomenon occurs at critical moments in the development of the child, which inevitably put the patience of parents to a severe test. When a baby, for example, takes its first steps, it requires a lot of attention to itself and will certainly begin to annoy the mother and others.
The same thing happens when the first whims appear. At the age of 5 or 6, when a child begins to rebel against the authority of adults and a spirit of contradiction arises in him, he angers his parents even more.
The feeling of being rejected today often arises in a child after the divorce of parents or the separation of the family. Such an event means for the child the loss of one of his relatives, and it seems to him that he abandoned him, abandoned him. And even if you try to explain to the baby that this is not so, the material difficulties that arise in such a situation will only strengthen the child's conviction that he is right.
All the situations that we have described leave deep traces in the minds of children only if they are repeated often. Then the children will certainly feel helpless, insecure, become withdrawn, and they begin to develop a distorted, incorrect idea of themselves. Often such a child experiences an acute need to be like other people, but at the same time is unable to do so.
He easily falls into despondency, loses faith in himself and therefore never achieves the desired results, which he could achieve otherwise. All this may appear very early in the character of the child, but in general such phenomena are revealed in children between the ages of 8 and 12 years.
How to fix the situation? It is necessary to change the attitude of parents towards the child and by all means help him gain self-confidence.
How to prevent such situations? For this, too, first of all, it is necessary that parents reconsider their attitude towards the child, even if they believe that they are not to blame. After all, it is usually they who bear the main responsibility for the fact that the baby begins to feel rejected. Unfortunately, love cannot be prescribed like a medicine in certain doses. Therefore, you just need to make it a rule to give your child at least once a week a little time, say one hour on Saturday afternoon. But it should really be an hour, no less, and really every week.
