Do narcissists feel sad
Do Narcissists Cry, and Is It Genuine?
Do people with narcissism cry? Narcissists are often labeled as “the bad guy,” but it doesn’t mean that they don’t have emotions.
It can be easy to think that narcissists don’t show emotion or feelings. After all, why would they display behaviors related to remorse, sadness, or empathy?
In truth, narcissism doesn’t imply a lack of feeling. Narcissistic traits are most often self-serving rather than altruistic, but the person can still feel emotions.
People with narcissistic personality disorder or narcissistic traits may laugh and cry like everyone else, though they may have different reasons for doing so.
For instance, people who lack empathy (a narcissistic trait) wouldn’t feel sad when they see another person upset, but they might get upset from feeling embarrassed or victimized.
The term “narcissism” can be used to describe both a personality trait and a personality disorder.
Many people express some narcissistic tendencies, but very few people meet the diagnostic criteria for narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
NPD is defined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th edition (DSM-5) as showing:
- behavioral patterns of grandiosity
- a need for admiration
- a lack of empathy
Grandiosity is an excessive sense of self-importance. Someone living with narcissism can believe they are physically stronger, smarter, or more influential than those around them.
Narcissist traits can be considered NPD when behaviors and thoughts cause significant impairment in your sense of identity, self-direction, or in your ability to relate to others.
Dr. John F. Tholen, a retired clinical psychologist and author from Seal Beach, California, explains that some level of self-concern and self-esteem is important for our emotional well-being. However, when that self-interest interferes with our ability to form loving relationships or prevents us from appreciating our faults and weaknesses, it has become narcissism.
Someone with traits of narcissism or NPD can cry, but the reasons may not be the same as for someone without narcissism.
Dr. Thomas G. Plante, a licensed psychologist and professor of psychology from Santa Clara, California, says, “Certainly narcissists can care about others and their feelings […] but they do so in service of their own needs and desires, as a rule.”
This means someone living with narcissistic traits may cry from regret or remorse, but not with empathy at its source.
They may feel embarrassed, for example, about being criticized for their part in a distressing situation. They may feel sadness or regret that whatever happened paints them in a negative light.
Not all assumptions about narcissism are true or as straightforward as you may think. Below, we bust some myths about narcissism.
Do narcissists care about your feelings?
“Narcissism exists on a spectrum. It is possible that someone on the lower level of the narcissism spectrum could care about hurting someone else’s feelings,” says Dana Colthart, a licensed clinical social worker from Edgewater, New Jersey.
NPD is defined in the DSM-5 as impaired empathy, which means living with severe narcissism suggests you are much less likely to care about the feelings of others.
That said, there might be small levels of empathy even for those meeting the diagnostic criteria for NPD, and some experts suggest that the ability for empathy can be built to some degree, even if it’s difficult to do.
Do narcissists know they’re hurting your feelings?
Someone living with narcissism can be aware they are causing you distress — but knowing and caring are two different things.
Diane Kim, a licensed mental health counselor from Kirkland, Washington, says, “their own need to protect themselves tends to override considering others’ feelings.”
Can narcissists feel love?
“[People with NPD] are generally capable of love, but it is in their own best interests, as a rule, and may not have the mutuality that most people would desire in a relationship,” Plante states.
This may mean that someone with NPD can only love you for what you do to enhance their sense of self-importance.
What are the types of narcissists?
Overt narcissism is sometimes called grandiose narcissism. It’s the form of narcissism most people are familiar with, involving arrogant, exploitative, selfish behaviors.
Covert narcissism, also known as vulnerable narcissism, involves taking on a victim role and using behaviors to compensate for low self-esteem or low confidence.
Experiencing a relationship with someone who lives with NPD can be challenging.
While people with narcissism aren’t devoid of emotions, their motivations may be self-focused. They can know they’re hurting your feelings, but as long as it elevates their status, they may not care.
Someone living with narcissism does cry. They can feel regret, remorse, and sadness. These emotions, however, don’t often have roots in empathy.
Do Narcissists Feel Sadness (Can Narcs Get Depressed)
Narcissists can feel sadness. They often suffer from dysphoria—a feeling of low mood, sadness, and melancholia— and even depression.
Narcissism is sometimes described as a form of “low-intensity” depression. However, there is currently no evidence to suggest a correlation between Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) or narcissism and long depression.
Sigmund Freud published his “On Narcissism” in 1957. Though Sigmund Freud’s psychoanalytic theory is now out of favor with modern psychologists, much research has been done on narcissism since then.
• To find out if someone you know is a narcissist, take a look at these 20 Signs of A Narcissist.
Do Narcissists Feel Sadness: Narcissistic Dysphoria
The narcissist is often unhappy and can descend into dysphoria. Narcissistic dysphoria typically lasts for a short time only.
Narcissists may feel sadness as a result of the following:
1. Loss of self-worth
The narcissist reacts to criticism or disagreement with depression, especially when the criticism comes from a trusted and long-term source of narcissistic supply.
He is afraid of losing the source of his narcissistic supply and damaging his own fragile mental balance. The narcissist also feels resentful about his vulnerability and his extreme dependence on feedback from others. This type of depressive reaction, therefore, stems from a mutation of self-directed aggression.
2. Grandiosity gap
Narcissists view themselves as powerful, brilliant, accomplished, irresistible, and invincible. This is grandiosity.
Now, most of those of their beliefs are untrue. However, if the narcissist finds information that contradicts their beliefs, they will ignore it or reinterpret it.
Even so, sometimes reality hits them hard, and they realize that they are not all that great. This creates a Grandiosity Gap.
Narcissistic dysphoria may occur as a reaction to the Grandiosity Gap.
The narcissist is frustrated when confronted with the gap between his inflated self-image and grandiose fantasies and the bland reality of his life: his failures, lack of accomplishments, disintegrating interpersonal relationships, and low status.
3. Loss of narcissistic supply
Narcissistic dysphoria may also be a reaction to the loss of one or more sources of narcissistic supply.
The term “narcissistic supply” describes a type of attention or admiration that the narcissist requires in order to maintain his or her self-image as grandiose and exceptional.
4. Grief of permanent loss
The next phase of narcissistic dysphoria is an acute and deep depressive phase. The narcissist is now grief-stricken over the permanent absence of his narcissistic supply.
This deep dysphoria actually energizes the narcissist, motivating them to seek new sources of narcissistic supply.
5. Self-punishment
Deep inside, the narcissist hates himself and doubts his own worth.
He condemns his desperate addiction to narcissistic supply. He judges his actions and intentions harshly and sadistically.
This unlimited source of self-chastisement, self-doubt, and self-directed aggression yields numerous self-defeating and self-destructive behaviors.
They can give in to reckless driving, substance abuse, constant depression, and thoughts of suicide.
• Find out how you can force a narcissistic breakdown.
Do Narcissists Feel Sadness: Narcissistic Depression
Narcissism is often considered to be a form of depressive illness.
The life of a narcissist is a series of intermittent bouts of dysphoria, anhedonia, and clinical forms of depression (cyclothymia, dysthymia). Narcissism is already apparent in early adolescence.
Although the distinction between exogenous (reactive) and endogenous depression is no longer considered valid, it is still useful in the context of narcissism.
Narcissists not only react with depression to life crises, but also to fluctuations in narcissistic supply and to a circumstantial inability to express their dominant psychosexual type (cerebral or somatic)
How Does A Narcissist Get Out of Sadness
What can lift the narcissist from deep misery to the heights of manic euphoria is just one dose of Narcissistic Supply.
A narcissist gains a sense of self-worth by receiving attention from others, which is their narcissistic supply.
Any threat to the uninterrupted supply of his supply compromises his psychological integrity and his ability to function. To the narcissist, it is a threat to their very existence.
The narcissist’s ability to confabulate grand stories about themselves is what saves them from themselves.
However, a narcissist’s dysphoric (or euphoric) phase does not interfere with their occupational functioning. Narcissists tend to function flawlessly most of the time.
The narcissist’s gregariousness is calculated, “cold”, controlled, and goal-orientated. They are social and friendly for the sole purpose of extracting Narcissistic Supply.
Related Reading:
- Can Narcissists Ever Fall In Love With You, For Real?
- How Do Narcissists React When They Can’t Control You?
- 5 Dirty Ways Narcissists Treat Their Ex (How To Handle It)
Final Words
Narcissists can be sweet or brutal to others, but they are never likable to themselves.
Many narcissists end up schizoid, delusional, or paranoid. In some cases, to avoid an oncoming relentless and gnawing depression, they give up on life itself.
A narcissist is a human pendulum hanging from an invisible thread attached to false ego.
But, while narcissism is a rational choice based on self-preservation, it is also a reversible choice that can save many self-hating narcissists from
self-destruction.
• • •
Author Bio: Written and reviewed by Sandip Roy — medical doctor, psychology writer, and happiness researcher. Founder and Chief Editor of The Happiness Blog. Writes on mental wellbeing, happiness, positive psychology, and philosophy (especially Stoicism).
• Our Happiness Story!
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Do Narcissists Feel Sadness: Narcissistic Dysphoria
1. Loss of self-worth
2.
Grandiosity gap
3. Loss of narcissistic supply
4. Grief of permanent loss
5. Self-punishment
Do Narcissists Feel Sadness: Narcissistic Depression
How Does A Narcissist Get Out of Sadness
Final Words
About the defense mechanisms of a narcissistically injured person | Blog
Inna Kirilyuk, Twitter Facebook
We continue to publish graduation papers of our colleagues who successfully completed training in the training program "Fundamentals of Analytical Counseling and Jungian Therapy" in 2018. Today we will get acquainted with the work of Alena Shevtsova on the topic:
In my work, I would like to reveal the topic of defense mechanisms of a narcissistically injured person. All of us have some vulnerability about who we are and how valuable we feel. We begin to be proud of ourselves when we are approved from outside, and vice versa, we oppress and blame ourselves when we are not approved.
I would like to recall the myth of Narcissus, and I will give a partial interpretation of Ovid, which Nathan Schwartz-Salant described in his book.
Ovid begins his story like this: Cephis, the river god, takes the nymph Liriope into his "winding river bed": and "lured into the water, she was taken by force, this lovely nymph." She subsequently gave birth to Narcissus, a child "worthy of love". Liriope asks the soothsayer Tiresias if the child will live long. “Yes, if he does not recognize himself,” he replied. At 16, Narcissus inspires passionate love in young girls and boys, "but a cold heart dwells in this tender body" - Narcissus is not able to love! The nymph Echo falls in love with him, who pursues and lures him, but cannot express her love. Somehow, Narcissus got lost and fell behind his companions, but Echo decided to get closer to him. He calls his friends: "Come here." Echo thinks that these words are addressed to her and responds by repeating his words, wants to hug him, but repels her with contempt, saying: “No, I'd rather die than lie down with you! Echo, wounded by these words, hides in the forest, unable to free herself from love.
She withered from grief, her voice remains an Echo, and her bones turned into stones, and she lives in the mountains, forests, meadows, echoing. Then the goddess Nemesis curses the daffodil. He is condemned to love, but he will never possess the one he loves. He is doomed to love his own image reflected in the water, never being able to touch it.
Birth of Narcissus precedes conjunction: Cephis forcibly took possession of Liriope. From a structural point of view, it points to problems related to the coniunctio archetype - the union of opposites. Such a connection was prevented by great fear (“Hands off! I don’t need your hugs! I would rather die than lie with you!” - a beautiful image of the attitude of the narcissistic personality), so the healing therapeutic process mainly focuses on the formation of unity in the transference-countertransference and on the ability to work with him. [3]
In psychoanalysis (Kohut, Grünberger) narcissism is considered a factor related to the self, and at the same time, according to the Freudians, it has both a positive and a negative effect on the individual.
Since the beginning of detailed investigations, the symptoms of the narcissistic personality have been characterized; anxiety, depression and paranoid tendencies, but the main complaints were still considered to be their lack of sense of their own identity and low self-esteem. When dealing with such disorders, we are faced with a violation of the development of the relationship between the ego and the self. There used to be a belief that narcissistic people were incurable because of their narcissistic barrier, which became a defense and served as the main obstacle for the patient to establish any emotional relationship with the analyst. But later it was found that patients with narcissistic disorder develop very strong transferences to analysts, which have a powerful effect in causing countertransference reactions.
In his book, K. Asper writes that a narcissistically injured person experiences himself as empty, empty and lifeless. He is limited in experiencing the sense of intensity of life that can give a positive animus/anima configuration.
In a narcissistic personality, the animus and anima, as a reflection of images that were significant to him in childhood, invade his autonomy and prevent him from enjoying life.
In childhood, the child was not allowed to complain, to express his feelings when it was difficult for him, or when, in the event of the loss of a loved one, he did not have the opportunity for a new relationship. If a child was emotionally rejected, often in such circumstances he was forced to build a survival strategy. In this process, he introjects the patriarchal demands of duty too early, which feeds the negative side of the Animus. In the future, such a child tries to help himself by gaining recognition from others, trying to meet the expectations of others and please. At the same time, he develops a solid facade, a mask or "persona". This masked behavior is accompanied by the ego trying to protect itself from the past painful experience, and at the same time from repeating such an experience in the present.
Protection from childhood pain leads to amnesia and forgetfulness of one's childhood. As a result, a narcissistically injured person is deprived of the opportunity to experience their true feelings. He is constantly looking for paradise, the pursuit of greatness and omnipotence, although it can become dangerous for such a fragile ego. As long as the ego can buy admiration for itself through its survival strategies, everything is fine, but when expectations are shattered, the slightest resentment is perceived as anger, anxiety, hatred, and depression. His self-esteem is not stable and natural, it fluctuates between megalomania and depression, which leads the narcissistic person to a battle for balance, as E. Neumann says, he is alienated from the stable axis of the ego self. [2]
K. Asper writes: “Because the developing child does not receive maternal care to help him grow. The self turns out to be unable to actualize its own nature, while it remains in a latent state, in the shadows and forms a rigid ego, cutting itself off from early painful experiences.
The connection with the original child is severed and the ego of the narcissistic person becomes prone to fragmentation and vulnerability, the influx of the unconscious from the realm of the shadow.
Main features characteristic of narcissistic personality disorder:
- Fear of rejection
- Demonstration of autonomy
- Weak capacity for empathy
- Intolerance of criticism
- Violation of the masculine and feminine functioning of the psyche
- Impervious to surroundings
- Grandiosity, depression
- Lack of feelings
- Incommensurable anger, modesty
- Distorted perception
In an essay on narcissism, Freud uses the term narcissism to describe the stage of psychological development between autoeroticism and object love. This is primary narcissism, the normal stage of object love. It is characterized by the fact that autoerotic sexual impulses that have not yet been connected with each other are combined into a single whole.
They fill the self of a person, sometimes called "ego" by Freud, making it the very first object of love. Further development of the libido leads through the homosexual choice of the object to heterosexuality. However, not all of the libido is transferred to the object, some of it is retained as a narcissistic cathexis of the person's own self.
Secondary narcissism arises through the reversal of the narcissistic libido to the point of early fixation, and according to Freud is the cause of mental illness. Thus, a relapse into infantile autoeroticism leads to schizophrenia. In the case of paranoia, the narcissistic libido released as a result of the regression leads to the inflation of the ego and the cathexis of the self as the only object of love. [3]
Discussions about narcissism are in the spotlight today thanks to the work of Heinz Kohut and Otto Kernberg. Kernberg suggested that the most obvious grandiose patients have either an innate strong drive of aggression, or a constitutionally determined insufficient capacity to tolerate aggressive impulses.
Such a feature may, to some extent, explain the fact that narcissistic people tend to avoid their own drives and desires for a long time, they may be afraid of their power. The essence of the opposite positions of Kohut and Kernberg is that Kohut considered pathological narcissism from the point of view of development (the patient's maturation proceeded normally and met with some difficulties in resolving the normal needs of idealization of deidealization). Kernberg, on the other hand, understood this in terms of structure (something went wrong very early in allowing the individual to surround himself with primitive defenses that differ from the norm in quality rather than in degree). The concept of Kohut's narcissistic personality can be illustrated by the image of a plant whose growth was stunted as a result of a lack of watering and lighting at critical times. Narcissus Kernberg can be represented as a plant mutated into a hybrid. [1
Self-psychologists thus recommend a benevolent acceptance of idealization or devaluation and unflinching empathy with the patient's experience. Kernberg advocates a persistent but tactful confrontation with grandiosity, appropriated or projected, and an interpretation of defenses against addiction and greed. A very important contribution of Kohut to the technique was his attention to the consequences of the therapist admitting his own mistakes, when admitting one does not become overly self-critical. [1
The narcissistic personality tends to constantly lack the mirror image that comes from parental envy. If the parents' own identity is insufficient, they become sensitive to how the child loves them. Often the child feels that he has something special that his parents need, and it should manifest itself in such a way as to mirror the parents. Children begin to emotionally "save" their parents, mirroring them "as good." Here, when working, one has to deal with an underlying feeling of envy and jealousy towards their children, who develop and develop an identity that is absent from their parents.
It is from the feeling of envy and hatred of the surrounding people, and first of all the parents, that the narcissistic personality builds its defenses.
Narcissistic people can use a whole range of defenses, but most fundamentally they depend on idealization and devaluation. These defenses are complementary in the sense that when idealized, one's own self and the role of other people are devalued, and vice versa. Kohut began to use the term grandiose self to convey a feeling of greatness and superiority, which characterizes one of the pluses of the inner world of a narcissistic personality. This grandiosity can be felt internally or projected.
There is a constant ranking process that narcissistic personalities use when dealing with any problem they face: which doctor is the best? Which school is the best? Where are the most stringent training requirements? Real advantages and disadvantages may not be taken into account due to prestige preoccupations. A related defensive position into which people become narcissistically motivated is thought to be perfectionism. Such patients believe that the main therapeutic effect is self-improvement, and not understanding oneself in order to find more effective ways to deal with their own needs.
The demand for perfection is expressed in constant criticism of oneself or others, as well as in the inability to take pleasure in all the duality of human existence. Some patients have lifelong patterns of idealizing someone, then toppling that person off their pedestal when imperfections are revealed. The perfectionist solution to the narcissistic dilemma is essentially self-destructive, unattainable ideals are created to compensate for defects in the self. These defects seem so despicable that no success can hide them anyway, and besides, no one can be perfect, so the whole strategy fails, and depreciated — I appears again.
The clinical literature consistently emphasizes shame and envy as the main emotions associated with the narcissistic personality organization. The subjective experience of narcissistic people is imbued with a sense of shame and the fear of feeling it. Shame is the feeling that you are seen as bad and wrong, the observer is outside your own Self. [1]
Nancy McWilliams in her writings draws attention to the fact that the vulnerability of the narcissistic personality to envy is a related phenomenon.
If I am inwardly convinced that I have some shortcomings and my inadequacy can always be exposed, I begin to envy those who seem content or have those virtues that, in my opinion, could contribute to my deprivation. Such people tend to judge themselves and others. If I feel a lack of something and it seems to me that you have it, I can try to destroy what you have by expressing regret, contempt or criticism. Narcissistic people need self-objects, a term that reflects the fact that individuals who play this role function both as objects outside their own self and as part of their own outlined self. By helping to modulate self-esteem, they add to or replace what most of us is an internal function. We all have self-objects and need them. If we lose them, we feel smaller, as if some vital part of us has died. Reality requires us that others be something more than a self-object to us, we must treat them for who they are and what they need, and not just for what they do for us. Consequently, narcissistic people send conflicting messages to their family and loved ones: their need for others is great, but their love is superficial.
[1
Narcissistic patients have strong reactions to the therapist. They can devalue or idealize, and this phenomenon is characterized by such countertransferences as boredom, drowsiness, the feeling that nothing is happening in therapy.
The goal of transforming the problem of narcissistic self-alienation is to develop a positive and loving relationship with oneself and a tolerant attitude towards others. A narcissistically traumatized person is constantly looking for a mother and a maternal relationship in order to strengthen his right to live and develop, thus he is in search of the implementation of the reflection and evaluation model that was present in his early relationship with his mother.
Instructions for use
In his book Psychoanalytic Diagnostics, N. McWilliams says that an important condition for working with narcissistic pathology is patience. The therapist has to endure countertransference reactions of boredom, drowsiness, and demoralization.
This attitude involves acceptance of human imperfection, which makes therapy work a tedious task. It is desirable for the therapist to embody a nonjudgmental realistic attitude towards the patient's fragility. Attempting to help narcissistic patients also requires constant attention to the patient's latent self state. Many patients experience intense shame when confronted with what they perceive as criticism. Therefore, the therapist must be able to feel and accept pain in order to perform sensitive interventions. An alliance with a narcissistic patient is always fragile, as they cannot stand a situation where their self-esteem is reduced. It is also of great importance to work through shame and guilt, strengthening the ego in therapy. It is difficult for such patients to recognize their own role in life's failures, narcissists run from their mistakes and hide from those who can detect them. At the same time, the therapist should not stimulate strong shame, because the patient may abruptly stop treatment or have secrets from the therapist.
With a strong ego, the person can increasingly resist the trauma and become aware of his pain, which is the other side of depression, so it is important that the analysand goes through it and becomes aware of all emotional or physical abandonment in the past. By establishing contact with one's true feelings, which is a prerequisite for coming out of the shadow and revealing its true nature, becoming a sense of inner support, cooperation with oneself and the opportunity to really begin to live one's own life here and now. The therapist should also provide empathic understanding to help their clients see their perspective and integrate it.
A person who has gone through a similar path is transformed to an ever greater extent able to get away from self-alienation, become more joyful, find his own way, become more tolerant and able to live with his feelings.
I turned to the work of Nathan Schwartz - Salant. If the analyst is in good contact with his self as an inner directed center, if he is open enough to listen to his unconscious wisdom which tells him when to apply interpretations and when not, then therapy will proceed as if the analyst had a conscious attitude towards specific form of steady transfer.
Narcissism is the problem of our time, for it is in the center of attention directed at the image of a new self that is in the process of transition. Therefore, Jung was actually working on the topic of narcissism long before it became widespread in the clinical world. To be sure, modern psychoanalysts have made valuable contributions, especially their study of transference-countertransference processes and issues related to envy, rage, and exhibitionism, but the acceptance of the mythological view enriches them greatly.
The goal of transforming the problem of narcissistic self-alienation is to develop a positive and loving relationship with oneself and a tolerant attitude towards others. A narcissistically traumatized person is constantly looking for a mother and a maternal relationship in order to strengthen his right to live and develop, thus he is in search of the implementation of the reflection and evaluation model that was present in his early relationship with his mother.
[1]
Practical part
As an example of a narcissistic personality, I will give a description of one of the main characters in Ingmar Bergman's film Autumn Sonata, Charlotte, the mother of two daughters, Eva and Helena.
Charlotte's mother is a successful pianist, a flamboyant woman with pronounced narcissistic traits. She made a brilliant musical career, took place professionally, but at home she prefers to shine and communicate superficially. Graceful, elegant and cold, like a snow queen, incapable of feelings. Charlotte is focused solely on herself: having buried her lover, she is sad only about what she has lost, and that mourning does not suit her. He skillfully expresses any range of feelings, from sorrow to joy, and in a second switches to his appearance, transfers any topic to himself. Somehow, Charlotte feels that she brings grief to loved ones, but she cannot realize this, and she remains on the surface of incomprehensible anxiety.
Her main role, her vocation, her mission is to please! Nature endowed her with feminine charm, beautiful features and musical abilities.
In the professional field, her narcissistic ego was able to reveal itself to the fullest. Recognition, adoration is a drug for which Eva's mother will do anything. Even parting with her children, for whom she has always been someone insanely beautiful, desirable and absolutely inaccessible.
Daughter Eva - devastated by her own mother, a deeply unhappy person who has never been able to grow up. All her life she was looking for motherly love, all her life she received only coldness and humiliation. She is torn between a painful feeling of love for her mother and a sizzling hatred for her, combined with a thirst for revenge. It is not clear what she wants to achieve more with this invitation: to improve relations with her mother or finally erase all the accumulated pain. Eva lives in illusions, she thinks that her dead son is still alive and is invisibly with her. From the same series, a naive belief that her mother will change, ask for forgiveness, realize that she was wrong, and finally love her.
The piano playing scene is a perfect illustration of narcissistic behavior. It is no coincidence that one of the most profound and tragic preludes of Chopin was chosen. Each of the women is immersed in the work in her own way, we hear the alternate performance of an introvert and an extrovert. The mother insists that her daughter play the piano, and then shows disregard for her daughter's playing, and immediately performs the same piece, only better. Probably every daughter of a narcissistic mother has experienced some kind of competition in relationships. Such mothers choose as a field of competition what they are obviously stronger in, and enjoy the victory over their own child, no matter if he is five years old or fifty.
In a senseless race for unattainable maternal splendor, trying to become at least a little like her, Eva began to hate herself. Her female fate was unhappy. Eva married without intimacy. Not considering herself worthy of love, she reproaches her husband for not being sincere in expressing feelings.
Having had an abortion at a young age from a beloved man, destroying her relationship at the insistence of her mother, she put an end to personal feelings. But Eva cannot mourn her failed love, because she cannot express her feelings. She doesn't know at all where her feelings begin and where other people's needs end. She doesn't know who she is at all. Despite everything, Eva tries to establish contact with her. At the moment when the daughter pours out her most intimate things to her mother, when the clash of souls is inevitable, Eva is faced with a chilling emptiness, with the truth of life: her mother, by her nature, is unable to understand her tragedy, she sees nothing but herself.
Analyzing her mother, Eva comes to a terrible conclusion: “People like you are dangerous to others. You must be isolated so that you cannot harm anyone... Mother and daughter. What a terrible interweaving of love and hatred, evil and good, chaos and creation. And everything that happens is programmed by nature.
The vices of the mother are inherited by the daughter. The mother has failed, the daughter will pay the price. The misfortune of the mother will be the misfortune of the daughter. It's like an umbilical cord that has not been cut, not torn. Mom, is it really? Is my grief your triumph?
In addition to the victims of the narcissistic woman, the deep suffering of the mother, the inner tragedy of the narcissist, is also shown. Life among faceless objects, lack of feelings, existence instead of life. “It’s as if I wasn’t born… I don’t remember anyone’s faces… Sometimes I try to remember my own mother — in vain, it doesn’t work out… A sense of reality is an invaluable, rare talent. Most of humanity does not have it, fortunately." A mother who behaves like a petulant little child, like her own daughter's daughter. A woman who is not destined to truly be born and give birth is not given to understand the nature of being, because her nature is distorted and broken at its very core. All that remains for her is to delight and destroy.
She cannot love.
Everyone is left alone with his nature, unhappy, broken women. One is incapable of loving by nature, the other is not knowing love, and therefore unable to express and experience it. The chain of unfortunate people is interrupted by two male characters - Eva's dead child and her priest husband. One did not give himself a chance to become an unloved son, the second found peace in a higher power, and no longer waits for reciprocal human love.
References:
- McWilliams N. Psychoanalytic diagnostics: Understanding the structure of personality in the clinical process / Per. English - M .: Independent firm "Class", 2007. - 408 p.
- Asper K. Psychology of the narcissistic personality. Inner child and self-esteem. 2nd ed. - M .: "Dobrosvet", "Publishing house" KDU ", 2015. - 366 p.
- Schwartz-Salant N. Narcissism and personality transformation / Translated from English. V. Mershavki. - M .: Independent firm "Class", 2017. - 296 p.
- Jung K. Yu. Collected works. Psychology of the unconscious / Per. with him. - M .: "Canon" ROOI "Rehabilitation", 2016. - 320 p.
- Kalshed D. The inner world of trauma: Archetypal defenses of the personal spirit / - M .: Kogito-Center, 2015. - 398 s.
Graduation papers of students
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The bottom of the endless well, or the painful path of the narcissist
The bottom of the endless well, or the painful path of the narcissist
So you want to become someone significant, important, memorable! Everyone wants it, I assure you.
If you don’t become famous all over the world and enter the annals, then at least have a small, but unique feature. Well, at least somehow in a special way to cook borscht, tell jokes, or even get sick. A psychological feature inherent in everyone, what can you do ... People are divided into those who recognize this in themselves, and those who, for some mysterious reason, do not want to admit it yet. Feeling unique is so “right” from a psychological point of view. But some of us have a certain predisposition to consider ourselves not just unique, but unique in our greatness or our insignificance. Inside each of us lives his own "narcissus", but how he lives there, that is the question.
Everyone has narcissistic traits. You, dear reader, have them, and so do I, and those heroes you just read about. Everyone has. They are just expressed to varying degrees. And to varying degrees they interfere or help to live. Some psychoanalysts (for example, N. McWilliams) speak of the modern "epidemic of narcissism.
" In my opinion, they are absolutely right. The system of education, the peculiarities of the mentality, the values of society - literally everything contributes to the fact that narcissism as a psychological feature or even as a pathological character flourishes and takes root deeper and deeper. Since narcissism is "hereditary" - a narcissistic parent very often "broadcasts" a behavior pattern to their child - it seems to me that it is time to realize what our generation can leave for those who follow us.
My article is intended mainly for beginner practical psychologists, as well as for those who are interested in people in their daily life manifestations, who are interested in what happens to a person, how he lives. Experienced colleagues can read the books of H. Kohut, O. Kernberg, N. McWilliams, X. Henseler and systematize in their minds the specifics of narcissistic features, set forth in a special narrow professional language. My task, as a popularizer of psychology, is to tell about this in a simple and accessible way in order to learn to see narcissistic traits in everyday manifestations together with you, to understand what “narcissistic disorders” are and figure out how to help people who have these disorders.
interfere with life. Perhaps this will allow some of you to subsequently turn to a psychologist or psychotherapist to help yourself, and someone will become interested and start reading more serious literature in order to fully and deeply understand what narcissistic clients will bring to your professional life.
Let's first define the concept of "narcissism". In everyday life, a narcissist is usually called a person who is narcissistic, selfish, fixated on himself. Almost everyone remembers from school lessons the myth of Narcissus, who died untimely from boundless love for himself, and about the woman who punished him, forcing him to die from narcissism over the clear waters of the stream.
Symptoms of narcissism
In psychology, we talk more about narcissistic disorders or narcissistic character, which only remotely resemble the everyday idea of a young man from ancient Greek myth. So classic symptoms of narcissism:
1.
A feeling of inner emptiness
“This is a vacuum, an emptiness, always whistling in you, always chilling your back. And whatever you do, whatever you achieve, everything falls into this black hole. All the time there is an illusion that the hole is about to be filled, of course, not by a series of small victories and small achievements that no one needs, but by something great. Only a grand victory can plug this hole forever! That's why I refuse small victories: what's the point if they do not bring deliverance, if they do not fill and patch holes in me. That is why I am waiting for a big victory, as salvation, as a reward for my torment.
Many of my clients describe their condition as the absence of a bottom. All achievements, no matter how great they are, quickly "go into the sand", fall into a black hole. The feeling of emptiness is unbearable and requires immediate filling with anything: experiences, food, alcohol, adventure, hard work.
Emptiness creates a feeling of "draught" inside, strong instability, lack of support, uncertainty.
The “unbearable lightness of being” sets in, which I really want to make at least something heavier, preferably with victories, but if there is no strength to achieve, then at least with depression and longing, which will not be slow to appear.
Everything comes from childhood, including the “narcissistic hole”. If we were once loved for our accomplishments, our functionality, then it's no surprise that as we grow up, we're left with the feeling that we'll only be loved if we become "perfect function." The function “child” or “my son”, “my daughter” can include anything, but as a rule, it includes performing very specific tasks: doing homework, getting “five”, cleaning the apartment, acting in accordance with parental expectations (often contradictory). It is difficult to raise a child without ever treating him as a function. But it is important at least sometimes to understand and be attentive to how your little person lives. If at least occasionally you are interested in what he is, what he feels, what he thinks, then something begins to form in your child that he will feel as “I”.
The bottomlessness of the narcissistic hole is facilitated by the eternal dissatisfaction of the parents, who for some reason are afraid to be really interested in the child, or at least simply rejoice that he is and that he is like that. As a result, the child does not leave the feeling that he is still not good enough, which means that his achievements and successes mean nothing. From this, the following symptom, quite unpleasant and harmful to the individual, is born.
2. Valuation and depreciation
A person with narcissistic disorders tends to constantly evaluate everyone around, compare himself with others. After all, that's what his parents did to him. They endlessly evaluated his actions and actions, and also compared him with other children, set someone as an example to him in the hope that the future narcissist would improve and be equal to positive examples.
As a result, the first thing the parents achieved was to make their child eternally dependent on external evaluation, constantly ready to issue a critical remark both in his address and in relation to the whole world.
As a result, the narcissist is usually dissatisfied with himself and the world around him. Secondly, they did not teach him to look for himself, to be aware of his own characteristics, and in accordance with this choose his niche for self-realization, but taught him to endlessly compare himself with someone, and since the criteria are high, then comparison, as a rule, is not in his benefit. This inevitably gave rise to a hidden conflict in the child: on the one hand, he wanted to feel unique and inimitable, on the other hand, he quickly got used to comparison, which means that he is just “one of”, and besides, as a rule, he does not the best.
Parents often mistakenly believe that only a child who is praised a lot can become a narcissist. This is definitely a delusion. It is not necessary to praise at all, it is enough to evaluate and compare, focusing mainly on the achievements of the child, and not on himself.
Because the little narcissist has received the message from his parents that he is never good enough and not successful enough, he develops a mechanism called devaluation.
Everything that is achieved by hard work or often incredible efforts (after all, he strives for perfection, and perfection is simply not given), all this is recognized only today, and tomorrow it means nothing.
Only a few years will pass, and for an already matured narcissist, a successfully made film, a brilliant book, a magnificent picture, a Nobel Prize will only matter at the moment of recognition, just a few minutes or days he will consider himself worthy and successful. “Tomorrow” he will again begin to consider himself completely mediocre, unable to do anything, starting everything from a “white sheet”. Before him again there is a difficultly realized need to prove to the whole world that you are a genius and worth something. And all because they were praised for the received “five” today, and tomorrow they were already smashed to smithereens for an accidentally committed oversight or shortcoming. It turned out that you can only be good temporarily, conditionally, for the performance of certain functions and tasks, and the next day there is a risk and even the inevitability of becoming “bad” again.
The narcissist devalues not only his achievements, but also his qualities and himself. He is always unsure of himself, a compensatory feeling of his own strength and invincibility arises in him only during periods of recognition. But for the most part, he is exhausted, depressed, anxious. Since such a person devalues himself, his virtues and resources all the time, he constantly has a feeling that something can happen that he cannot cope with, it becomes background, so the “narcissist” does not like change, does not often dare to do something. that's new. He risks only because the new is an opportunity to fill the inner emptiness. At the same time, the feeling of anxiety can exceed the threshold of tolerance and lead to insomnia, motor disinhibition, the appearance of psychosomatic symptoms or attempts to compensate for anxiety through any addictions (alcohol, drugs, workaholics, shopaholics, overeating, active participation in the lives of other people, etc.). ).
Very often the narcissist tries to escape the ever-present devaluation and all-pervading emptiness by seeking to fill the inner hole with cars, apartments, careers, status, money, power.
But his personal tragedy is that it is always not enough for him, and the more ways and means he has already tried to plug the hole, the less chance he has. That is why the suffering of narcissists, who “already have everything”, is the most powerful and suffocating.
3. Large amplitude pendulum
Narcissus is basically in two polar states. He is either divinely beautiful and omnipotent (during periods of recognition of his achievements), then he is a complete failure and insignificance (during periods of his mistakes or non-recognition). Exactly. The polarities are not “good-bad”, namely “divinely cool - complete insignificance”. And therefore, he can often easily and imperceptibly for himself and those around him find himself in any of these states. The "tumbler" for switching the state is always the same: external or internal assessment, one way or another connected with external recognition or self-recognition.
The pendulum, on the one hand, makes the life of a narcissist emotionally bright and rich.
From the constant change of confessions and non-recognitions, he either plunges into the depths of suffering, then takes off into the skies of euphoria. But on the other hand, the greater the amplitude, the greater the depletion. Such clients are more likely to be in a debilitating depression, because during periods of rare euphoria they are active and spend a lot of mental and physical strength. And depression is often the only way to “ground yourself”, accumulate strength, justify your own inaction, behind which, in fact, is the fear of once again experiencing disappointment from your own failure.
It is important to understand that it is really difficult for them to decide on something, the risk of a possible difficult experience of their own insignificance is so great. The older they get, the more difficult it is for them any undertaking, any new activity, because it seems to them that they must certainly cope with everything, and immediately and not just “five”, but unattainably flawless.
And since it is impossible to sit on a bicycle for the first time and immediately go without falling or even wagging the wheel, mistakes are inevitable, they frighten those who want to be "divine" narcissists at all costs.
Since such people see themselves through two narrow tubes “divine” and “insignificant”, the surrounding world seems to them exactly the same. They are characterized by polar judgments and assessments of people, phenomena, events. They usually either idealize them or "lower them". Moreover, in close relationships with people, idealization is replaced by depreciation successively: first, a person is put on a pedestal, and then he is thrown off it with a deafening roar. In closer contacts, both processes can be present in parallel. The narcissist often unexpectedly and accurately hits the pain point of a completely adored partner with his devaluing injection, from which the partner usually falls into mild or severe (depending on the degree of awareness) confusion and does not know how to deal with what he got.
He almost always misses a painful prick through his borders, being unable to react or defend himself in any way. As a result, even the most patient and merging partner, tired of endless wounds, leaves the narcissist. The narcissist perceives the separation or even death of a partner as a rejection, which only strengthens his already cultivated distrust of any emotional contacts, and especially close relationships. It is clear that this cannot but affect relationships with loved ones.
4. Escape from relationships
The narcissist longs for the close, accepting relationship that he never managed to build with his own parents. He often strives irresistibly to merge in the secret and unsuccessful hope of having his own "I" through merging with another, while at the same time he has a fear that his "I" during the merger will be absorbed by another and disappear. He is never able to open up to the end, to trust, and it is clear why: in childhood, when he was so open and insecure, he was hurt by the condemnation and criticism of his parents, his “I” was subjectively destroyed by inattention, ignoring, humiliation.
For him, to trust means to expose himself to a colossal risk, and therefore the narcissist is more likely to look for those who can merge with him, he is always on guard of his own borders, and merging with him is always illusory.
True intimacy implies A meeting of two deep and authentic "I", but the "I" of the narcissist is alienated from himself, instead he feels only emptiness, and therefore Meeting with him is impossible. The partner in the relationship suspects the presence of the true "I" of the narcissist and he really wants to "get" to him. This is why daffodils are so attractive. Their partners are “intrigued” by the invisible, but somewhere present “I”, and they diligently “warm up” Kai’s frozen heart in the hopeless hope of a Meeting. I believe that without psychotherapy it is rarely possible for anyone.
If violations are expressed, then the relationship as a result becomes destructive for both. The partner of the narcissist, giving megatons of love, care, acceptance for years, in return receives rare flashes of gratitude, tenderness and recognition mixed with constant depreciation and discontent.
From the constant shrapnel of unfair assessments and comments, the partner begins to lose strength, fade away, get sick, grow old, tired of the parental role of providing unconditional love and acceptance. But a partner can never replace a "good" parent's narcissist, no matter how many years it takes for unconditional love.
Desperate to receive all-encompassing love, which is never able to warm the icy heart, because it is not maternal love, the narcissist begins to seek at least recognition. For this, he does not need close relationships, for this he needs fans. A change of admirers or admirers is what the narcissist usually stops at. At some point, he is ready to exchange love for admiration. He seems to get "enough" worship. His true "I" is no longer of interest to anyone, no one "gets to the bottom" of him, no one "warms up", he is simply admired and that's it. It is only important that there are always enough admirers, but if they begin to disappear, then he is ready to be with anyone who admires, regardless of what he has to pay for it.
Everything I am writing about is essentially just a Platonic "recollection of ideas", since all this has already been described thousands of years ago in the very myth of Narcissus in the retelling of Ovid, to which, for example, Pascal Quinard refers:
" By the age of sixteen, Narcissus had become so handsome that not only young girls, not only boys, but also nymphs lusted for him, especially the one that was called Echo. But he rejected them all. To girls, boys, and nymphs, he preferred deer hunting in the forest. The nymph Echo suffered from unrequited love. This love was so strong that Echo began to repeat all the words that her lover said. Startled, Narcissus looked around, not understanding where the voice was coming from.
Coeamus! (Let's unite!) he once shouted to a mysterious disembodied voice that haunted him. And a mysterious voice answered:
— Soeamus! (Let's merge in an embrace!)
Fascinated by the spoken word, the nymph Echo suddenly ran out of the thicket.
She rushes to Narcissus. She hugs him. But he immediately runs away. Rejected Echo returns to the thicket. Tormented by shame, she grows thinner and melts. Soon only bones and a voice remain from the enamored nymph. Bones turn into rocks. And then all that remains of her is a plaintive voice. (Sex and fear: Essay: Translated from French - Moscow: Text, 2000, pp. 130–140)
punishes, in general, an already completely unhappy young man, incapable of deep and mature relationships, luring him with the opportunity to see his own "I" in the reflection of the stream:
, and reflected in the stream all, in all its glory. It was then that Aphrodite's punishment befell him. In amazement, he looks at his reflection in the water, and strong love takes possession of him. With eyes full of love, he looks at his image in the water, it beckons him, calls, stretches out his arms to him. Narcissus leans to the mirror of water to kiss his reflection, but kisses only the icy, clear water of the stream.
Narcissus forgot everything: he does not leave the stream; admiring himself without stopping. He doesn't eat, doesn't drink, doesn't sleep. Finally, full of despair, Narcissus exclaims, stretching out his arms to his reflection:
— Oh, who suffered so cruelly! We are separated not by mountains, not by seas, but only by a strip of water, and yet we cannot be together with you. Get out of the stream!" (N. Kuhn “Legends and Myths of Ancient Greece”, M.: AST, Polygon, 2004)
Thus, a desperate Narcissus realizes his doom to eternal suffering due to alienation from his own “I”, to an eternal desire to unite with him, absorb, become one, become yourself. Water as a symbol in Jungian psychology means the psyche, the soul, and therefore, looking into the waters of the stream, the young man wants only one thing: to look inside himself, in the vain hope of discovering and appropriating himself.
It becomes clear that the view of the mythological Narcissus only as a narcissistic hero is too simplified and does not reflect the depth of the violations and sufferings of the legendary youth, however, as well as the everyday view of modern narcissists as simply arrogant and selfish people.
Our task is to understand the basis and depth of their suffering and to identify ways to help.
The tragedy of the narcissist lies in the impossibility to recognize and appropriate one's true "I" (or the severe difficulty of this process). Disconnected from himself, the "I" creates a feeling of emptiness and lack of support, which gives rise to basic insecurity and anxiety in the narcissist. He is forced to rely on the assessments of the outside world, and they are always contradictory and constantly replace each other. From these assessments, he seeks to mold his image, but it falls apart due to their inconsistency and total subjectivity. Therefore, he is never completely sure of himself, does not know what he can do, what he is and whether he has "the right to live with his head held high."
Brief joy of the narcissist: victory, triumph, achievement, recognition. At these moments, he understands that he does not just have the “right to live”, but is omnipotent, especially smart, beautiful, insightful, that he has created something that will now allow him to feel not just good, but great for the rest of his life.
Joy is strong, but short-lived, from a few minutes to several weeks. Then - a crushing collapse and again a sucking emptiness inside.
The main pain: strong, constant and deep suffering from the imperfection of the world - from inaccuracies, flaws, oversights, militant stupidity, unaesthetic, vulgarity, vulgarity, that simplicity that is worse than theft. An oppressive feeling of impotence from the impossibility of creating your own "correct and just" world. Escape of finality, difficulty in completing something, incredible effort to start something, fear of change.
Frequently experienced feelings
Shame - as a total feeling of one's own badness, uselessness, worthlessness, worthlessness. The "inner critic" of the narcissist is constantly on guard, not a single movement of the soul, not a single deed, action, deed will be hidden from his critical gaze. Inaction, by the way, is also followed by a strict condemnation from this never-sleeping inner character.
The “accuser” inside the narcissist has long taken possession of almost the entire internal space and is conducting his strict court in violation of all legal norms (that is, bypassing the internal judge and lawyer). Once such an accuser was one of the parents of the narcissist, now he is doing just fine without outside help, now his inner critic is a reliable and eternal generator of shame.
The narcissist is used to pushing shame to the back of his mind, because it is unbearable, because it is constantly present, it is not even a background, but a constant figure through which he looks at the world. Meeting a psychotherapist or counseling psychologist is an inevitable meeting with one's own shame, which is why narcissists often bypass our offices for many years, and if they find themselves in them, they drag a huge shield of shame and anger in front of them, protecting them from the horror of "exposure". ".
Guilt is also a permanent feeling in the narcissist.
Moreover, it is characterized by all three types of guilt. Guilt real will haunt him after his critical assessments reach the ears of his loved ones and he will face their reaction that does not always accept these assessments. Guilt neurotic is present in his life, because he did not fully meet the expectations of his parents, and even his own. Ontological guilt will also always be in the background, because, due to the inability to connect with his true "I", the narcissist, most likely, will not be able to become what he could become, which means that he will never be able to "reincarnate". For all his life, he may never know who he is and who he should be by nature, what to do. Which is not surprising, since his parents saw in him only a function of applying their parental expectations, visions, needs.
As you know, guilt, constantly carried in oneself, often calls for release, therefore, narcissists, tired of constant self-accusation, constantly fall into blaming other people.
They take the blame outward, forcing their inner critic to turn their backs on self-criticism and focus on the world around them. Fortunately and grief for the narcissist, the world around us is monstrously imperfect and therefore there is always something in it to which accusations and criticism can be directed.
Anxiety - is a constant companion of narcissists, which is also not surprising. The lack of support inside, comparing oneself with others, constant readiness for criticism, the inability to finally appropriate one's own merits, resources, previous achievements, experience, make the narcissist insecure and anxious. He is always in anticipation of failure, in anticipation of a situation with which he supposedly will not be able to cope. Two evil dwarfs according to J. Hollis - Fear and Inaction - wait for him at the head of the bed every morning and "devour him alive." The fear of meeting the unpredictable and the imperfect often paralyzes the narcissist for months and even years, forcing him to stay where he is: in a bad job, in an uncomfortable apartment, with an "inappropriate" wife.
The fear of making a mistake often makes choices impossible, and the fear of being incompetent holds back from development and change.
The very absence of a bottom, which we spoke about from the very beginning, leads to the fact that nothing can be appropriated. If there was a bottom in the basket, then by putting apples there, it could soon be filled. And a basket full of apples would become an obvious thing, against which it would be difficult to object. But since the parents of the narcissist made him understand that the previous merits always do not count, and for every mistake you need to pay with shame and remorse, the adult narcissist has a strange structure inside: everything related to achievements and merit, he easily and quickly fails. into a hole, and any mistakes, failures, mistakes are firmly stuck inside, as if sticking around the walls of the soul well, they are remembered for a long time, tormented, made ashamed and guilty. The inability to rely on one's own resources and achievements leads to the fact that the narcissist is almost always in an anxious search for an external carrier of unshakable achievements: idols, idols, the largest and most recognized specialists, teachers, leaders, gurus, etc.
For some of them, becoming a great guru is one of the ways to overcompensate to overcome the fear of exposing their own “insignificance”.
The main fear of the narcissist is to face his insignificance, uselessness. The fear of being unnoticed or insignificant is even stronger than the fear of rejection. A scolding mother is painful, insulting, but familiar, but ignoring, a message about one's own insignificance is really scary. The narcissist agrees to be guilty, but to make him feel insignificant (and for this he doesn’t need much, he is secretly always ready for this) - to expose him in public, undress and parade him. Because all his defenses work to ensure that he can avoid the feeling of an inner hole and his own alleged insignificance. The narcissist experiences fear in two ways: either he attacks the offender, accusing him of all imaginable and unimaginable sins, or he goes into depression, often accompanied by some kind of psychosomatic illness, since care and care during illness help to heal his spiritual wounds at the same time.
Psychological help for narcissistic disorders
It is clear that only long-term and harmonious relationships can "treat" a narcissist. This is why quick help for narcissistic disorders is almost impossible. You can provide support, and a person will come out of depression, you can work with his guilt and anxiety. But for changes to be long-term and sustainable, months and years of work are required. After all, there is a considerable task ahead - to discover and appropriate one's own "I", having gone through the strongest background shame, through the repeated desire to devalue everything and quit.
“The feeling of one’s own insignificance is unbearable, it corrodes the remnants of self-respect, it eats up grains of meaning, it threatens me with a great Rejection, and then I want only one thing - to reject everyone in the world, to reject this world in general, to reject it, to throw it out the window and draw the curtains. Stay in darkness and silence and hear the beat of your own heart, and understand that you are alive.
Live without them all. To understand that it doesn’t matter to the heart whether I’m bad or good, it keeps on beating, it doesn’t leave me, I’m always there for it.”
Practicing psychotherapists say that when working with clients with narcissistic disorders, special qualities and skills are required: competition with him, do not "spread rot" him with your therapeutic power
This requires strict contractual terms in this respect and the ability of the therapist to communicate to the client the importance of their observance Goals of psychotherapy: to help the client discover and appropriate the "I" that is inaccessible to him, gradually lowering the amplitude of the pendulum from "Divine - Insignificant", step by step moving towards "good enough". To mold the "I" of the client, living with him defeats and victories, clearing the husks of criticism and self-accusations, freeing the walls of the well from these layers and gradually creating, building the bottom. Find it real, genuine, little dependent on external assessments, judgments, accusations or confessions.
Tasks: watching with him how he is:
- experiencing almost constant shame
- fears intimacy and avoids it in many ways
- either idealizes or devalues the therapist and the people around
- does the same with his own achievements and experience
- "functionally" refers to self and other people
- experiencing aggression, tired of being ashamed and guilty
- relies heavily on external assessments and judgments
- delegates a lot of power to his internal "accuser" and does not involve a "lawyer"
- manifests himself to be seen and noticed
- suffers from imperfections around him
- does not allow himself to make mistakes and be imperfect
- does not trust himself and others
- afraid of new things because of constant anxiety
- can't stand unpredictability
- trying to control everyone
- refuses to create his own world, wanting to fix something already created by others
During work, it is almost always necessary to go back to the client's childhood in order to experience a variety of feelings towards his own parents due to the fact that they treated him in this way.
Living the anger towards them allows you to further separate from their idealized and devalued figures, allows you to experience genuine empathy for the misunderstood, unheard and criticized inner child and the real child from the client's past. It is often inevitable to experience deep sadness about, as a rule, a very early and traumatic loss of the illusion that he, as he is, with all his inner wealth and imperfection, is needed, loved and accepted.
Main instrument: gradually and slowly building trust and intimacy (like the Meeting of the Two Selves) between therapist and client, stable and accepting figure of imperfect therapist, understanding and empathy, caring and sympathetic attitude towards the client's feelings, firm and calm attitude to his aggression, harsh assessments and attempts to devalue what is happening.
Narcissistic disorders will manifest themselves in the client the more significantly, the more “functionally” they were treated in childhood, the significance of violations is also affected by the presence of the narcissistic nature of the parents, the presence or absence of at least one receiving figure in the child’s life.
Of course, narcissistic traits or symptoms can appear in almost every client at some stage of psychotherapy, and every practicing psychologist will have to deal with them, but a client with a pronounced narcissistic component is not an easy task for a novice psychologist, and it requires a difficult decision and a lot of time. Even distinguishing such a client from other pronounced characters requires some experience and practice, since it is easy to confuse him with other accentuated personalities.
The narcissist can be very demonstrative, but in , in contrast to the hysteroid-demonstrative type , for which external recognition is more important, and the presence of the “I”, somewhere deeply buried, is not of particular interest, the narcissist is in conflict with the unexpressed " I”, and it is not external recognition that matters to him, but a subtle feeling and recognition of its depths. It is important for him not to recognize that he is handsome or interesting, but to recognize how especially smart, unique and unrepeatable he is.
In contrast to the classical neurotic , who considers himself insignificant, unnecessary and undeserving of the love and acceptance of others, the narcissist is again in conflict between a sense of his own insignificance and greatness. If the neurotic is convinced that he is "not valuable", then the narcissist only guesses and tries to fight this feeling, proving the opposite to the whole world either with his non-stop achievements or depression. Unlike a neurotic, he is capable of open criticism, suppression, a struggle for power that brings recognition.
Unlike obsessive-compulsive perfectionists who strive to achieve perfection in detail and thereby get rid of anxiety, narcissists often tend to abandon activities because they cannot complete them perfectly, thereby avoiding feelings of shame. Unlike the ever-active compulsive perfectionists, who are ready to put in a lot of effort to achieve perfection, narcissists are passive and tend to become depressed by the imperfection of the world or devalue the upcoming activities and the development opportunities that life provides them.
Unlike clients who have paranoid traits, irresistibly striving for power, devaluing and blaming everyone due to their irrepressible aggression and suspicion, narcissists are still prone to idealization, moreover, they do not so much need power as the recognition that goes with it. There is also a significant difference in the emotional background: for paranoid clients, the main background is fear and actively expressed aggression, for narcissistic clients, suppressed shame and anxiety.
And in conclusion, let's return to the narcissistic traits that everyone has, but are expressed to a moderate degree and rather help to develop and live.
Healthy manifestations of narcissism
- We do not run away from our emptiness and do not fill it with whatever we have to, but courageously stay in it in an attempt to hear and understand ourselves.
- Our mistakes are accepted by us with regret or repentance, accompanied by an attempt to deal with not only the internal "accuser", but also the "lawyer".
- We can be upset or happy about someone's assessment, but it does not affect our activity, does not stop or determine it.
- We strive for recognition. But this is not the only purpose of our life. We care not so much about the result as about the process. We are able to enjoy it.
- Our self-esteem and self-respect can fluctuate within certain limits, but there is a level below which they do not fall and above which they do not “take off”.
- We compete with others, but not in order to win, but in order to better understand ourselves, to highlight our individuality, originality, niche.
- We are fascinated and disappointed, but we do not idealize or devalue.
- We appropriate to ourselves not only our mistakes and mistakes, but also our achievements, successes, qualities of our personality and experience of various shades.
- In relationships we build and maintain our boundaries without rejection, maintain our self-respect without demeaning, love without idealizing.
