What to do if you are brokenhearted

When thoughts of your ex arise, try not to stop or block them. Instead, Bottari says, practice being a “witness” to these thoughts. When the thoughts come up, take a step back and acknowledge them.

“You know you are experiencing them; they are passing through your mind. You observe them. You practice observing and letting them go,” she explains.

“The minute you pay attention to one and label it as something ‘important,’ you are no longer witnessing them. You are now judging them. Judging brings more negative emotions since your expectations were not met.”

5.

If you’re not feeling up to meeting friends out or are having a hard time following through on commitments, try to share your feelings with others.

“Try to reconsider your needs at this time and let others know what you are dealing with,” says Bottari. “Many people have felt the same way and will understand that you might need some time to return to your normal state. ”

6.

When the pain of a breakup is too hard to bear, you may find that focusing on the needs of others can help bring feelings of wellbeing and distract you from focusing on yourself, explains Bottari.

Consider volunteering at a local soup kitchen or animal shelter, helping a friend in need with meals or cleaning, or cutting a neighbor’s grass.

7.

You may find it helpful to talk to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist about emotions related to your breakup or ex-partner.

If you’re not comfortable sharing all of your feelings, consider writing them down or meditating on them. You can also engage in another project, such as painting, that may help you release what’s on your mind.

8.

Research shows that exercise can reduce stress. “Use exercise as a healthy outlet to manage feelings of anxiety, sadness, lethargy, and stress,” Bottari says.

A daily walk, bike ride, or online workout video are ways to work exercise into your daily routine when you’re feeling sad or stressed about the breakup.

9.

If you continue to feel overwhelmed by unwanted thoughts and emotions, consider staying away from places, music, and people who remind you of your ex for a little while.

“Try to go places that make you feel safe. Surround yourself with people that care about you. Go places that you have never been. Take a day trip and explore,” suggests Bottari.

10.

If possible, try to make meaning of the relationship ending, or accept that there’s no meaning to why it ended.

“Over time, you may come to realize that the end of your relationship was ultimately in your best interest. However, it is possible that you might not be able to find any positive in the relationship ending. Both are valid conclusions. Try to have faith and keep moving forward,” says Bottari.

A breakup can leave you feeling sad and alone, no matter who made the decision to split up. Cycling through a variety of feelings after a breakup is normal, especially if it was unexpected.

“We forget that we are meant to grow and change and learn. That doesn’t always happen at the same time or in the same way in a relationship,” says Moffa.

“Sometimes, one person changes and the other doesn’t. So, be gentle with yourself. You’re changing and growing and healing. We can’t do that all by force.”

Remember, it’s OK to not feel OK for a while. Give yourself time to process the loss of the relationship and practice self-compassion.

32 Tips for Moving Forward

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Heartbreak is a universal experience that comes with intense emotional anguish and distress.

While many people associate a broken heart with the end of a romantic relationship, therapist Jenna Palumbo, LCPC, emphasizes that “grief is complicated.” The death of a loved one, job loss, changing careers, losing a close friend — all of these can leave you brokenhearted and feeling like your world will never be the same.

There’s no way around it: healing a broken heart takes time. But there are things you can do to support yourself through the healing process and protect your emotional wellbeing.

It’s essential to look after your own needs after heartbreak, even if you don’t always feel like it.

Give yourself permission to grieve

Grief is not the same for everyone, says Palumbo, and the best thing you can do for yourself is to give yourself permission to feel all of your sadness, anger, loneliness, or guilt.

“Sometimes by doing that, you unconsciously give those around you permission to feel their own grief, too, and you won’t feel like you’re alone in it anymore.” You just might find that a friend’s gone through similar pain and has some pointers for you.

Take care of yourself

When you’re in the midst of heartbreak, it’s easy to forget to take care of your personal needs. But grieving isn’t just an emotional experience, it also depletes you physically. Indeed, research has shown that physical and emotional pain travel along the same pathways in the brain.

Deep breathing, meditation, and exercise can be great ways to preserve your energy. But don’t beat yourself up over it, either. Simply making an effort to eat and stay hydrated can go a long way. Take it slow, one day at a time.

Lead the way in letting people know what you need

Everyone copes with loss in their own way, says Kristen Carpenter, PhD, a psychologist in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Medicine at The Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center.

She advises being clear about whether you prefer to grieve privately, with the support of close friends or with a wide circle of people accessible through social networks.

Getting your needs out there will save you from trying to think of something in the moment, says Carpenter, and will allow someone who wants to be supportive to help you and make your life easier by checking something off your list.

Write down what you need (aka the ‘notecard method’)

How it works:

• Sit down and make a list of what you need, including needs for tangible and emotional support. This could involve mowing the grass, grocery shopping, or simply talking on the phone.
• Get a stack of notecards and write down one item on each card.
• When people ask how they can help, hand them a note card or have them choose something they feel they can do. This relieves the pressure to articulate your needs on the spot when someone asks.

Go outdoors

Research has found that spending just 2 hours a week outdoors can improve your mental and physical health. If you can get out to some beautiful scenery, great. But even regular walks around the neighborhood can help.

Read self-help books and listen to podcasts

Knowing that others have gone through similar experiences and come out on the other side can may help you feel less alone.

Reading a book (we’ve got some recommendations later in this article) or listening to a podcast about your particular loss can also provide you with validation and be a supportive way for you to process your emotions.

Try a feel-good activity

Set aside time every day for doing something that feels positive, whether that’s journaling, meeting up with a close friend, or watching a show that makes you laugh.

Scheduling in moments that bring you joy is vital for healing a broken heart.

Seek professional help

It’s important to talk about your feelings with others and not numb yourself out. This is easier said than done, and it’s totally normal to need some extra help.

If you find that your grief is too much to bear on your own, a mental health professional can help you work through painful emotions. Even just two or three sessions can help you develop some new coping tools.

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After giving yourself some space to grieve and tending to your needs, start looking toward creating new routines and habits that can help you continue to process your loss.

Don’t try to suppress the pain

“Don’t waste energy on feeling ashamed or guilty about your feelings,” says Carpenter. Instead, “invest that energy in making concrete efforts to feel better and to heal.”

Consider giving yourself 10 to 15 minutes each day to acknowledge and feel your sadness. By giving it some dedicated attention, you may find it popping up less and less throughout your day.

Practice self-compassion

Self-compassion involves treating yourself with love and respect while not judging yourself.

Think of how you would treat a close friend or family member going through a hard time. What would you say to them? What would you offer them? How would you show them you care? Take your answers and apply them to yourself.

Create space in your schedule

When you are going through a difficult time, it can be easy to distract yourself with activities. While this can be helpful, make sure you’re still leaving yourself some space to process your feelings and have some down time.

Foster new traditions

If you’ve ended a relationship or lost a loved one, you may feel like you’ve lost a lifetime of traditions and rituals. Holidays can be particularly hard.

Allow friends and family to help you create new traditions and memories. Don’t hesitate to reach out for some extra support during major holidays.

Write it down

Once you’ve had some time to sit with your feelings, journaling can help you better organize them and give you a chance to unload any emotions that might be hard to share with others.

Here’s a guide to get you started.

Find a support system

Regularly attending or engaging in in-person or online support groups can provide a safe environment to help you cope. It’s also healing to share your feelings and challenges with those in similar situations.

Connect with yourself

Going through a big loss or change can leave you feeling a little unsure of yourself and who you are. You can do this by connecting to your body through exercise, spending time in nature, or connecting with your spiritual and philosophical beliefs.

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As you navigate the process of healing a broken heart, it’s helpful to have realistic expectations about the process. From pop songs to rom-coms, society can give a warped view of what heartbreak actually entails.

Here are a few things to keep in the back of your mind.

Your experience is valid

The death of a loved one is the more overt form of grief, Palumbo explains, but covert grief can look like the loss of a friendship or relationship. Or maybe you’re starting a new phase of your life by changing careers or becoming an empty nester.

Whatever it is, it’s important to validate your grief. This simply means recognizing the impact it’s had on your life.

It’s not a competition

It’s natural to compare your situation to that of others, but heartbreak and grieving aren’t a competition.

Just because it’s the loss of a friendship and not the death of a friend doesn’t mean the process isn’t the same, says Palumbo. “You’re relearning how to live in a world without an important relationship you once had.”

There’s no expiration date

Grief is not the same for everyone and it has no timetable. Avoid statements like “I should be moving on by now,” and give yourself all of the time you need to heal.

You can’t avoid it

As hard as it might feel, you have to move through it. The more you put off dealing with painful emotions, the longer it will take for you to start feeling better.

Expect the unexpected

As your grief evolves, so will the intensity and frequency of heartbreak. At times it will feel like soft waves that come and go. But some days, it might feel like an uncontrollable jolt of emotion. Try not to judge how your emotions manifest.

You’ll have periods of happiness

Remember that it’s okay to fully experience moments of joy as you grieve. Spend part of each day focusing on the present moment, and allow yourself to embrace the good things in life.

If you’re dealing with the loss of a loved one, this might bring up some feelings of guilt. But experiencing joy and happiness is crucial to moving forward. And forcing yourself to stay in a negative state of mind won’t change the situation.

It’s okay to not be okay

A profound loss, like the death of a loved one, is going to look vastly different from a job rejection, notes therapist Victoria Fisher, LMSW. “In both cases, it’s imperative to allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling and remember that it’s okay not to be okay.”

Even if you’re doing everything you can to work through your heartbreak, you’ll probably still have off days. Take them as they come and try again tomorrow.

Seek self-acceptance

Don’t expect your suffering to go away sooner than when it’s ready. Try to accept your new reality and understand that your grief will take some time to heal.

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When you’re dealing with heartbreak, books can be both a distraction and a healing tool. They don’t have to be big self-help books, either. Personal accounts of how others have lived through grief can be just as powerful.

Here are some titles to get you started.

Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar

Cheryl Strayed, author of the bestselling book “Wild,” compiled questions and answers from her formerly anonymous advice column. Each in-depth response offers insightful and compassionate advice for anyone who’s experienced a wide range of losses including infidelity, a loveless marriage, or death in the family.

Purchase online.

Small Victories: Spotting Improbable Moments of Grace

Acclaimed author Anne Lamott delivers profound, honest, and unexpected stories that teach us how to turn toward love even in the most hopeless situations. Just be aware that there are some religious undertones in her work.

Purchase online.

Love You Like the Sky: Surviving the Suicide of a Beloved

Psychologist and survivor of suicide Dr. Sarah Neustadter provides a roadmap navigating the complicated emotions of grief and turning despair into beauty.

Purchase online.

The Wisdom of a Broken Heart: How to Turn the Pain of a Breakup Into Healing, Insight, and New Love

Through her gentle, encouraging wisdom, Susan Piver offers recommendations for recovering from the trauma of a broken heart. Think of it as a prescription for dealing with the anguish and disappointment of a breakup.

Purchase online.

On Being Human: A Memoir of Waking Up, Living Real, and Listening Hard

Despite being nearly deaf and experiencing the debilitating loss of her father as a child, author Jennifer Pastiloff learned how to rebuild her life by listening fiercely and caring for others.

Purchase online.

The Year of Magical Thinking

For anyone who’s experienced the sudden death of a spouse, Joan Didion offers a raw and honest portrayal of a marriage and life that explores illness, trauma, and death.

Purchase online.

No Mud, No Lotus

With compassion and simplicity, Buddhist monk and Vietnam refugee Thich Nhat Hanh provides practices for embracing pain and finding true joy.

Purchase online.

How to Heal a Broken Heart in 30 Days: A Day-by-Day Guide to Saying Good-bye and Getting On With Your Life

Howard Bronson and Mike Riley lead you through recovering from the end of a romantic relationship with insights and exercises meant to help you heal and build resilience.

Purchase online.

The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

Through her heartfelt, honest storytelling, Brené Brown, PhD, explores how we can strengthen our connection to the world and cultivate feelings of self-acceptance and love.

Purchase online.

The hard truth of going through loss is that it can change your life forever. There will be moments when you feel overcome with heartache. But there will be others when you see a glimmer of light.

For some grief, as Fisher notes, “it’s a matter of surviving for a while until you gradually build a new, different life with an open space for the grief when it arises.”

Cindy Lamothe is a freelance journalist based in Guatemala. She writes often about the intersections between health, wellness, and the science of human behavior. She’s written for The Atlantic, New York Magazine, Teen Vogue, Quartz, The Washington Post, and many more. Find her at cindylamothe. com.

life hacks from a psychologist when parting with a loved one or death of a loved one

What to do, what to remember, and how to survive grief due to a breakup with a partner, the loss of a friend or the death of a loved one.

There is probably no person who has never experienced a broken heart. We usually associate this concept with the end of a romantic relationship, but grief is not an easy thing. The death of a loved one, the loss of a job, a career change, the loss of a close friend can break our hearts. All this leaves us confused and feeling that the world will never be the same again.

Contents of the article

There is no magic patch for a broken heart - it will take time to heal. But there are practices that help support yourself and protect your emotional well-being. Here are some recommendations from psychotherapists and healthline.com.

How to take care of yourself

Even if your last concern is to think about your needs, taking care of yourself is important. A broken heart needs strength - and so do you.

Allow yourself to grieve

There is no one “universal” grief that everyone experiences in the same way. So the best thing you can do is give yourself permission to feel what hurts inside: sadness, anger, loneliness, or guilt.

And although we are all different, perhaps close people will be able to feel our pain, recognize something of their own in it and support us.

Take care of yourself

It is easy for a broken heart to distract us from our daily needs. But grief is not only an emotional experience, it drains you physically. Scientists have proven that physical and emotional pain use the same pathways in the brain, so feelings cannot be considered separately from the body.

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Exercise, deep breathing, and meditation can help you experience your feelings. But don't beat yourself up if you don't have the strength to do all this - just move in small steps, one day at a time. And don't forget to drink enough water.

Let others know what you need

Everyone deals with loss differently. Someone prefers to close completely, others have enough circle of friends, others live through feelings, sharing them with a large audience on social networks. Decide how it works for you and how other people can help - keep your distance, be in close contact or more distant, etc.

Write down things that can help you (“card method”)

How it works:

1. Make a list of what you need, including material and emotional support. This may include talking on the phone, hugging, helping with groceries, etc.
2. Take a stack of cards and write down one item on each.
3. When people ask how they can help, give them one of the cards or let them choose their own. Some people are not very good at comforting, but are brilliant in planning tasks, others are always ready to be in touch. Choosing from several ready-made items will allow your loved ones to understand how to help you, and it will unload your head, already clouded with worries.

Get outdoors

Research has shown that just 2 hours a week of fresh air improves our mental and physical health. It's great if you can take in the scenery while walking, but even just walking can help.

Read self-help books and listen to podcasts

Knowing that others have gone through and dealt with similar experiences can help reduce feelings of loneliness. Books and podcasts are a great way to accept and live your feelings.

Try to do something nice for yourself

Set aside time every day for something positive - watching a funny series or funny videos, meeting friends, reading a good book. Planning for moments that bring joy is vital to healing a broken heart.

Seek professional help

It is very important to talk about your feelings with others and not try to bury them in yourself. Easier said than done, so a meeting with a psychologist or psychotherapist may be helpful. Even two or three meetings may be enough.

Skills worth learning

Coping with grief is important, but it is also helpful to develop new habits and skills to help you overcome the loss.

Accepting your pain

Don't waste time feeling ashamed or guilty about your feelings, it's better to put all your energy into healing. Schedule 10-15 minutes a day to mourn well, this is normal in your situation. After a while, you may find that you want to do it less and less.

Self-compassion

This means treating yourself with love and respect, without judgment. Think about what you would say to a loved one who is going through difficult times, how would you show him that you care? This is how you should treat yourself.

Unloading the schedule

When we are in pain, it can be very difficult to focus on business. Keep this in mind when planning your work or social workload, leaving room for "feeling breaks. "

Cultivating new traditions

If you end a relationship or lose a loved one, it may turn out that a whole piece of life full of rituals and traditions has gone with him (holidays are especially difficult).

Enlist the help of friends and family to create something new to replace what has been lost—traditions and memories.

Keeping notes

Writing in a diary or private blog can help you recognize and record feelings that you are not ready to share with other people.

Chatting with a support group

This could be a social media group, forum or online support group. Regular communication in a safe environment, sharing feelings and experiences with those who have experienced similar things, can be very healing.

Getting in touch with soul and body

Experiencing loss or change can separate us from ourselves. You can return contact with the soul and body through physical exercises, walks in nature or meditation practices.

Things to remember

Our society, in movies and songs, has distorted ideas about how recovery from loss works. That is why it is so important to have realistic expectations.

Your experience is important

The death of a loved one is an obvious form of grief, but it can also be hidden, with the loss of a friendship or relationship. Even a career change or the departure of children from home can cause it.

The popular phrase “Children in Africa are starving” has never made anyone feel better. No one exclaimed, “Why am I crying, my problems are not problems at all in comparison with the problem of world hunger!”

It doesn't matter why you hurt, what matters is that you hurt. These feelings affect your life.

It's not a competition

It's natural to compare your experience with other people's, but grief is not a competition.

You can lose a friend to death, or you can lose a friendship, and the feelings will be very similar: you have to learn to live in a world without important close relationships.

No expiration date in grief

Grief is not the same for everyone, it does not have a timetable like a train. Avoid those who say "it's time to move on" - you have the right to heal for as long as you need.

You can't avoid pain

No matter how hard it is, you have to go through it. The more you delay acknowledging your pain, feelings, and emotions, the further recovery is delayed.

Sometimes feelings will come over

As the experience of grief develops, so will the intensity of the sadness. Sometimes it will be soft waves coming and going, and sometimes feelings will overwhelm you, without any control. Don't judge yourself for the way your emotions show up.

You will have periods of happiness

It is perfectly normal to feel moments of joy even when you are sad. Focus on the present and allow yourself to accept the good things that are happening in life.

If you are experiencing the loss of a loved one, happiness may be accompanied by feelings of guilt. But joy is very important in order to move forward, and forcing yourself into negativity will not change the situation for the better.

It's okay to feel abnormal

Even if you do your best to heal your broken heart, sometimes there will be bad days. Take them for granted - you will continue healing tomorrow. It's normal to feel abnormal from time to time.

You'll need time

Don't expect your pain to go away before it's all gone. Try to accept the new reality and the fact that you will need time to process grief and heal.

What can you read?

Books help to distract and heal a broken heart, especially if they are personal stories about how other people have experienced grief. Here are some stories that might help.

• Strayed Cheryl — Beautiful little things. Inspirational stories for those who do not know how to live on
• Lamotte Ann Small victories. How to Feel Happiness Every Day"
• Joan Didion "The Year of Magical Thinking" Joan Didion
• Nat Tit "Lotus grows from mud. How to transform suffering into happiness"
• Brown Brené "Gifts of imperfection. How to love yourself just the way you are"

Have you had your heart broken?

Sadly, the hard experience of loss can change our lives forever. But pain is followed by light, so it's worth keeping moving forward. Survival time will end and a new life will begin , slightly different, but no less valuable.0003

How to mend a broken heart?

I recently heard a phrase that in our times hearts and hopes are broken more often than cars. Therefore, it is not at all surprising that many of us would rather see a wrecked car than a broken heart...

Case history. Symptoms.

After all, a broken heart is emptiness, it haunts. She seems to envelop and, it seems, there is no way out. Dead end. Why is this happening? Maybe she didn't love him? And why not that...? He is the best, kindest, sweetest. The best. And is it really her fault that he still loves his "ex"? What he said, I'm sorry, let's stay friends. Guilty? No, it’s not her fault ... Is it that she once told him that she loves, puzzling ... But she told the truth ... She also had loves, and not one ... And there was also a lot of pain from the fact that she I thought that she loved, but they did not love her ... She is also special, different, the best. But they do not like her, and, perhaps, they did not love her ... It hurts. She will not forget him now, perhaps never... But you have to let him go... Many people live with such pain, and they live the same... And she will live as before, only without him, without his eyes, hands and smile... They live like - something else without him ... He was the meaning of her life, the sun, infinitely warm and joyful. And now it's raining... A dank gray rain on the street and in her soul. She no longer has the strength to live on without him ... He took a piece of her, perhaps the most important. She was left alone with her sadness ... Heart broken!

How to mend a broken heart? Treatment.

1. After a difficult breakup, many people withdraw into themselves. They want to be alone to mourn, think, cry. Need to cry. With tears, all the accumulated negative emotions inside you come out. But withdrawing into oneself is not a good idea. There are always people nearby who care about you: friends, relatives, relatives, colleagues. So they will be the first to carry out resuscitation with your heart.

2. Allow yourself to do whatever pleases your heart, regardless of the consequences, even if only for a few days. Arrange a bachelorette party, a “belly feast”, relax in your favorite place or where you have long dreamed of going, take care of yourself (hairdresser, spa, swimming pool), buy yourself a new dress or insanely expensive underwear. Or maybe skydiving or flying in a wind tunnel? Do everything that you would never have dared to do in your "old" life. The attention of a man, of course, is always important for us, but you will understand that even without him it can be infinitely good. You need to live for yourself and for your beloved, to get the maximum pleasure and joy from life.

3. And here is a well-known technique for healing a broken heart.

Visualize in your mind a channel that connects you to an ex. With your eyes closed, imagine two tubes through which energy circulates between you. Again, mentally, we take scissors and cut the tubes in half. Mentally pinch the ends that come up to you. The wounds on the heart will begin to grow together, albeit not immediately, but it will become much easier.

4. Try to load yourself as much as possible. For example, work. Occupational therapy has always been an effective tool in matters of the heart. Free time for experiences and thoughts should not remain.

5. Get rid of the idea of ​​getting revenge on your ex. No need to prove to him that you were the best with him, and how much he lost. We must try to forgive him.

Remember for the last time about your wonderful moments together, tell him mentally thank you (only mentally!), because thanks to him you were very happy for a while.

And you can already switch to other men!

6. Psychologists say that one of the most effective ways is to complain to yourself about your misfortune. Aloud. In front of the mirror. It is believed that this is a good help to relieve stress. As not a psychologist at all, I advise you to end this therapy in front of a mirror with a couple of funny faces. You now more than ever need positive emotions.

7. Do you know this wise phrase: “Whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger”? Scientists believe that the brain needs 21 days to readjust to something new, whether it's a new job, school, or a new life without it and with a broken heart. After three weeks, even if nothing is done, theoretically it should become easier. The wounds in my heart will begin to heal on their own.

8. If all else fails, you can turn to a psychologist - a specialist in heart affairs, who always has in stock glue for broken hearts. It is not necessary to sign up for a face-to-face appointment; you can talk with a psychologist via the Internet. According to the statistics of the Moscow Psychological Assistance Service, people rarely seek help due to broken relationships (300 out of 20,000 cases).

9. The most important "Not", contraindication: do not treat a broken heart with alcohol. Firstly, for health and well-being - this is a therapy of little use. Secondly, getting out of control, things can come to nightly tearful calls to the “ex”. All previous attempts to heal a broken heart "down the drain." Some vicious circle!

Meetings and partings, gains and losses are an inevitable part of our lovely life. And no matter how hard it was at the beginning, it is possible to restore mental strength and heal a broken heart. But even well-healed wounds leave scars for the rest of your life, unfortunately...

PARABLE OF A BROKEN HEART

- Hello, I'm on the ad. Are you giving your heart to good hands?

- I.

- Used?

- Yes. It loved one person for three years.

- Wow! Three years of operation is quite a long time! Why are you giving away?

- The heart was mishandled by its previous owner. He broke it, cut it, played with it, stuck sharp objects into it... The heart ached, bled, but still performed its main function: loved it... And one day the one to whom it belonged broke it...

- How did you break it?! Have you been under renovation? What were you told?

- Not recoverable...

- Why did you advertise? Do you really think that someone needs your broken heart?

- I believe that there is a person in the world who can glue it together from fragments. I believe that he will not regret this love and time. I believe that he will be able to give him a second life...

- I... I'm ready to try. This, of course, will be difficult, but the result is worth it. Can you give me any guarantees? If I can restore it, I can revive your heart... how much more can it love?

- As long as it's beating...

- In the announcement you said that you would give the heart only on one condition...

- Yes. I need to make sure you won't hurt him.

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