No one wants me around
“Nobody Likes Me:” Understanding Loneliness and Self-shame
“Nobody Likes Me:” Understanding Loneliness and Self-shame
There is perhaps no more painful thought in the world than that of “nobody likes me.” It’s an easy feeling to indulge and dwell on, a terrible go-to self-attack in low moments when we feel isolated, depressed, anxious or insecure. This feeling has almost no bearing in reality and no purpose other than to deeply wound us and turn us against ourselves and whatever our goals may be. And yet, this exact thought is extremely common to shy people and extroverts alike.
When psychologist Lisa Firestone conducted research using a scale that measured individual’s self-destructive thoughts, she found the most common critical thought people had toward themselves was that they are not like other people. Human beings are a social species, and yet, every one of us feels, on some level, like we just don’t fit in with everyone else.
A recent U. K. study of millions of people found that one in 10 people didn’t feel they had a close friend, while one in five never or rarely felt loved. So, while we may feel alone in thinking “nobody likes me,” we actually have that in common with a staggering number of people in the world. Moreover, what most of us who feel this sense of isolation also fail to realize is that the reason behind it. The way we perceive ourselves as an outcast, rejected, disliked, or cast aside has much less to do with our external circumstances and everything to do with an internal critic we all possess.
This “critical inner voice” exists in all of us, reminding us constantly that we aren’t good enough and don’t deserve what we want. In her book Yes, Please comedian Amy Poehler described this inner enemy as “a demon voice.” She wrote, “This very patient and determined demon shows up in your bedroom one day and refuses to leave. You are six or twelve or fifteen and you look in the mirror and you hear a voice so awful and mean that it takes your breath away.
It tells you that you are fat and ugly and you don’t deserve love. And the scary part is the demon is your own voice.”
The critical inner voice tends to be louder and meaner in some of us than others, and it tends to pick on us more or less at different points in our lives. Yet, one thing’s for sure. As long as we are listening to this dangerous critic that twists our reality, we cannot really trust our own perceptions of what others think of us.
Chances are, it is this destructive “voice” we are hearing every time we tell ourselves, “nobody likes me.” It’s also this voice that instructs us to avoid situations where we’d get to know people. It shuts us up in social situations, makes us nervous, so we don’t act like ourselves. It confuses us with its ceaseless stream of self-shaming observations and self-limiting advice, leaving us anxious and stifled. In turn, it bends us out of shape in such a way that creates a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Once we lose confidence or our sense of self, we’ll no longer act like ourselves.
We may even achieve the outcome our critical inner voice warned us about, feeling isolated or finding it difficult to connect with others. “Keep quiet,” the voice barks. “You’ll only embarrass yourself! Don’t you see how stupid you sound? No one wants you around. You don’t add anything. Just be alone! Stop trying. NOBODY LIKES YOU!”
Of course, the critical inner voice isn’t experienced as an actual voice talking to us. It can be a highly subconscious and seamless part of our thought process, making it hard to recognize. Sometimes, it operates like a subtle, shaded filter through which we perceive the world. When someone doesn’t make eye contact with us, it says, “See? He doesn’t like you. He can tell there’s something wrong with you.” When a friend doesn’t text us back right away, it says, “I wonder what she’s thinking. Maybe she’s mad at you. You’re being left out.”
By the time the critical inner voice builds the case of why we’re such losers or no one cares about us, we’ve lost touch with reality, and we blindly move forward believing every negative thought about ourselves that this voice has said to us.
We’re so quick to indulge its claims that we mistake them for our real point of view. Because of this, it can be very difficult to notice that this voice has seeped in and even harder to peel away its sadistic coaching from our true perceptions. The best way to start fighting the critical inner voice is, therefore, to do two things: identify when it’s operating and understand where on earth it comes from.
The critical inner voice starts to take shape early in our lives. It’s built out of any hurtful negative attitudes that we were exposed to in childhood, especially from significant caretakers. If a parent thought of us as lazy, helpless or as a troublemaker, for example, we tend to incorporate these attitudes toward ourselves on an unconscious level throughout our lives. We also tend to be influenced by how our parents felt toward themselves, if they felt awkward socially or had low self-esteem, we take on some of their self-critical perceptions as our own.
Add to this the many other social experiences we had where we felt put down, shamed or rejected (a teacher who humiliated us in front of our class, a bully at school who put us down on a daily basis), and we can start to see how our inner critic took shape.
The critical inner voice strongly influences feelings of isolation, loneliness and social anxiety, a subject you can learn more about here. As Dr. Lisa Firestone put it in her article “A Way Out of Loneliness,” “It’s helpful to recognize that loneliness is very much a state of mind, and unfortunately, that mind is, in effect, lying to us.” Being alone isn’t necessarily the issue; it’s the filter of seeing ourselves as alone that must be challenged. People who feel lonely tend to view the world differently. There are even certain structural and biochemical differences in the lonely brain. Some of the psychological effects of feeling lonely include focusing on exclusion instead of inclusion.
In other words, we may be far more likely to notice the one time someone doesn’t invite us out versus the five times they did. Another effect is timidity. We may act timid with others, making it more difficult to have a clear or relaxed exchange that would lead to a positive social outcome.
Finally, loneliness can actually lead to misremembering. So, when we think back on our day, we may distort things people said to us or how interactions took place in ways that would perpetuate the perception of ourselves as being isolated.
As loneliness researcher Dr. John T. Cacioppo put it “Lonely individuals are more likely to construe their world as threatening, hold more negative expectations, and interpret and respond to ambiguous social behavior in a more negative, off-putting fashion, thereby confirming their construal of the world as threatening and beyond their control.” Once again, this creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. If we start to see the world as threatening or not accepting of us, we are much more likely to act in ways that push away or alienate others.
So, once again, in order to challenge our loneliness, we have to challenge the negative filter through which we see ourselves and the world around us. We have to take on our critical inner voice.
Once we accept that we come by this inner critic honestly, we can start to separate it from our real point of view. We can notice the times it seeps in and tampers with the filter through which we see ourselves and the world around us. We can then recognize how our actions are affected by this destructive thought process. How is my inner critic actually altering my behavior?
There are five important steps to overcoming this inner critic. These steps comprise a method developed by psychologist and author of Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice Dr. Robert Firestone known as Voice Therapy. If someone is experiencing feelings of depression, anxiety, loneliness or social isolation, it can be extremely beneficial to seek therapy.
This can help them sort through where their self-shaming feelings come from and how to challenge them. Going through the steps of voice therapy with a trained therapist can have significant benefits. There are also exercises we can practice on our own that can help us to challenge our critical inner voice.
A Way Out of Loneliness: How to Feel Less Isolated and Alone Length: 90 Minutes Price: Free On-Demand Webinars Watch Now: Learn about the psychological roots of loneliness Overcome the critical inner voice that perpetuates feelings of isolation Challenge the psychological defenses that limit… Learn More
Start to notice when your thought process shifts and your inner critic starts to invade your mind. Maybe you’re on a date, and it starts in with, “She doesn’t even like you. Why are you wasting your time?” You may be in a meeting, and when you finally speak up, you have a thought like, “You’re not making any sense.
Everyone is looking at you. They want you to just shut up.” It’s important to get a hold on what situations trigger your critical inner voice and what that voice is saying to you in those moments.
As an exercise, write down your critical inner voices as “I” statements, i.e. “I’m so boring. No one likes me.” Then next to these voices, write down the thoughts as “you” statements. “You’re so boring. No one likes you.” This actually helps you start to separate and see the voice as an enemy and not the real you.
Step Two: Think about where these critical attitudes come from
When people write down or say their voices out loud, they sometimes have insight into where these mean thoughts originated. Many people even start to imagine the voice as coming from a figure in their lives, a parent who always worried they’d never make friends, for example. Identifying where your voices may have originally formed can help you to have self-compassion and distinguish these old attitudes from your current reality.
Step Three: Talk back to your critical inner voice
This may sound tricky, and this step is often hardest for people, but it is crucial that you stand up for yourself. Vocalize or write down a reply to your critical inner voice. You should aim to take on the perspective you would have toward a good friend. Write down a more compassionate and realistic response to your voice attack, once again, as an “I” statement. “I am not boring. I’m a unique and worthy person who deserves friendship. I have many qualities that many people would appreciate and like.” Don’t listen to the undermining criticisms that come up as you complete this exercise. As Amy Poehler put it “Sticking up for ourselves in the same way we would one of our friends is a hard but satisfying thing to do. Sometimes it works. Even demons gotta sleep.”
Step Four: Think about how your voices affect your actions
As you come to know your voices, you’ll get better at recognizing when they pop up.
You can actively try to divert your mind and start to notice how this voice influences your behavior. It may tell you, you’re too shy to make friends, so you avoid social situations. It may cause you to feel insecure in your relationship, so you find yourself seeking reassurance from your partner. If it tells you the world is rejecting you, you may find yourself acting a bit angrier in your daily interactions or a whole lot meaner to yourself. Try to take note of all the times your critical inner voice is driving your behavior. As you do this, adopt what Dr. Daniel Siegel calls a C-O-A-L (curious, open, accepting and loving) attitude toward yourself.
Step Five: Change your behavior
Once you’ve identified them, it’s essential to challenge the behaviors dictated by your inner critic in order to go after what you want in life. So, if your inner critic tells you to stay in seclusion or to keep your mouth shut at a party, uncomfortable as it may feel at first, you have to find a way to not indulge in the behavior.
This will only lead you to feel more shame or loneliness. Even if initially you wind up feeling embarrassed or not quite yourself when you act against your voice, you should remember to practice self-compassion. Challenging your voices will stir up anxiety and changing a behavior pattern can make the voice seem louder at first. However, the more actions you take against your inner critic, the more confident you’ll become. This voice will eventually fade into the background.
If, in this process, you find yourself having thoughts like, “Yeah right. My voices are right about me,” remember that pretty much everyone feels this exact way at some point or another. Most people feel like an outcast on some level. Challenging this precise feeling is what will lead you to get what you want in life. It will allow you to shed layers that keep you from feeling yourself. No matter what your inner critic is telling you or using to reinforce its arguments that you’re different or unworthy, you can find ways to access the strength to calmly quiet this destructive coaching and be persistent in moving toward your goals.
Slowly but surely you’re inner critic will weaken. Your real self will become stronger, more vibrant, better known, understood and accessible to the world around you.
If you or someone you know is in crisis or in need of immediate help, call 1-800-273-TALK (8255). This is a free hotline available 24 hours a day to anyone in emotional distress or suicidal crisis.
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Nobody likes me - MHA Screening
We all want to be liked. When it seems like the world is against you, it’s easy to feel lonely, worthless, rejected. These feelings are real, and they run deep. We live in an interconnected world—people depend on each other to get their needs met.
Your brain knows the importance of belonging. The strong emotions that come with not feeling liked or accepted are there to motivate you to connect more with others.
But those same emotions can easily get out of control. When you feel lonely and rejected all the time, those emotions start to shape your beliefs about yourself. “Nobody likes me” is one of those beliefs.
Where does this belief come from?
There are lots of reasons why you might believe that nobody likes you:
- Maybe you have a hard time connecting with other people or making friends. You can’t see what that could be, other than them not liking you.
- Maybe you’ve been rejected, and it hurt. You don’t want to feel like that again! If you assume everyone hates you, you’ll never get your hopes up—and you’ll never get hurt. Sometimes we develop negative beliefs about ourselves to keep ourselves safe.
- Maybe someone straight-up told you that nobody likes you—maybe one of your parents.
Or a bully. Or someone you thought was your friend. It may have been so long ago that you don’t even remember! - Sometimes beliefs like this seemingly come out of nowhere. When you are in a negative state of mind, you can start to believe negative things about yourself, even if you have no evidence that those things are true. Negative thoughts like this are a common symptom of depression and social anxiety.
If you can identify where this thought is coming from, you can see it for what it is. It’s not a fact—it’s a negative belief. And beliefs can be changed!
Finding the middle ground
“Nobody likes me” is an example of all-or-nothing thinking. Your brain sees only two options: either everyone likes me, or no one does. So if I can find evidence that at least one person doesn’t like me, well… you get the picture.
All-or-nothing thinking is rarely true. Most people are liked by some people and disliked by others. “You can’t please everyone,” the saying goes—and it’s true.
Some people probably don’t like you. That’s okay—you probably don’t like most of them either!
Of course, accepting that not everyone will like you all the time is easier said than done. “But I want everyone to like me!” Hey, me too—but at the end of the day, I can still live a happy and fulfilling life, even if not everyone wants to be my best friend.
Now we have two thoughts to replace “nobody likes me”:
- Some people like me, and some people don’t.
- I can live a happy and fulfilling life, even if some people don’t like me.
Try saying one or both of these things to yourself the next time you find yourself thinking that nobody likes you.
By the way, all-or-nothing thinking is just one example of a “thinking trap”. Click here to learn about more thinking traps and how to deal with them.
You can’t read people’s minds
“Nobody likes me” might be something you tell yourself after a social interaction goes badly.
Let’s look at an example: Say you’re talking to someone, and they have this squinty look on their face like they think what you’re saying is stupid. By the end of the conversation, you’re convinced: they must hate you.
Sure, that’s one possibility. Let’s look at some others:
- Maybe they normally wear glasses or contacts, but they forgot them today. They have a hard time seeing, so they’re squinting at everyone.
- Maybe they were so interested in what you were saying that they were concentrating really hard, trying to take it all in.
- Maybe that’s just what their face looks like. Some people just naturally have a facial expression that looks mean or angry.
- Or, maybe you’re overly sensitive to that kind of look. People who have experienced abuse or who got yelled at a lot as a child often perceive anger in other people’s faces when it isn’t there. The same goes for people who are experiencing depression or social anxiety.
Your first reaction—“they must hate me”—might seem obvious to you in the moment.
But you might be surprised to find out how many social interactions you’re misreading because of your negative beliefs. Everything gets filtered through that lens. With practice, you can learn to mistrust your negative thoughts and consider other possibilities.
The process of challenging your thoughts can be difficult, especially in the beginning. If you have a lot of negative beliefs and emotions, consider seeing a therapist—they’re professionally trained to help you with this stuff!
Feeling more connected
Hopefully by now you can see that “nobody likes me” is a belief about yourself, and that you have the power to change it. That’s great, but what about those feelings of loneliness and isolation?
Changing your beliefs the way we’ve been talking about can actually help you feel more connected to others. When you’re less focused on negative beliefs about yourself, you naturally become more outgoing and willing to connect with others. You may also start to see less evidence that people hate you—and more evidence that at least some of them like you quite a bit.
It’s an upward spiral: you feel better about yourself, so you’re more outgoing, so you have better social experiences, so you feel better about yourself… and so on!
You can also try working on your social skills. Nobody’s social skills are perfect, so there’s always room for improvement. Ask someone you trust if there’s anything you do that makes it harder to be your friend. You don’t have to change who you are—you can find ways to help other people see the best parts of you. Succeed Socially is a good online resource for developing your social skills.
You can read more about dealing with loneliness here, including more ways to feel more connected with others. We also have an interactive tool called Overcoming Negative Thoughts, which can help you challenge negative thoughts like this one.
10 principles that should never be sacrificed for the sake of relationships
Even if it seems to you that it is necessary. Even if he insists. Even if you love him very much.
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Relationship
age
Relationships with men
Work on yourself
Do not do that
Inner freedom
This is the most important principle that should never be sacrificed. No matter who or what encroaches on your inner freedom, you must not give in. Because otherwise collapse is inevitable: sooner or later, one way or another, but the lack of inner freedom will lead you to heavy addiction. And it doesn't matter from whom. Your sweetheart can be a wonderful person, he can match you 100% and feel you subtly, but it won't matter anymore. Because addiction destroys. Addicts always end up the same way, it's just that heroin destroys faster than love shackles. But in the end, there is no difference: the disintegration of a personality may look different, but it is always a disintegration.
Appearance
You are your body. Sooner or later, we all come to this conclusion and stop forcing ourselves and fitting into invented standards. The stronger and freer you are, the faster you will accept yourself for who you are. This does not mean that you will stop caring for yourself. On the contrary, it means that you will begin to take care of yourself with love. Improve and protect what you like about yourself. Do not break in yourself what someone else does not like. Because it is also a way of self-destruction.
You will probably object: what about the requests of a loved one? You don't want him to grow a beer belly and beard either, if you fell in love with him slender, fit and clean-shaven. That's right: we can express our desires to loved ones. But we can't force them to do it. You can change yourself for the sake of a man if the changes do not cause internal protest. If you are a brunette and you feel like some kind of Carmen (or Morticia Addams, or Scarlett, or Trinity), and your darling insists that you change your hair and become some kind of Marilyn, you still won’t succeed.
Your appearance cannot conflict with the inner world. If you try to live in this conflict, you will hate yourself. And you will hate a man too, by the way.
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True friendship
The older we get, the fewer truly close people remain next to us. This is just such a life law: while we are young, we are open to everything new and ready to accept a lot. With age, we become conservative and strive for comfort. And we can only be comfortable with those people who do not need to explain anything. Yes, of course, coincidences happen, and you can find a new close friend simply because life unexpectedly brought together two very similar people in the same space. But it is still a rarity and luck. Basically, old friends, proven over the years, remain with us. And they should never be abandoned. If a man insists on breaking up with your close friend, it is better to break off relations with a man. He doesn't love you.
No one wishes their loved ones suffering, pain and loss.
Self-control
You are a grown woman. You are in control of your life. All important decisions regarding your own person are made by you and only you. It’s great when a loving man is next to you, always ready to help: to advise, support, do together with you what you yourself, for some reason, find it difficult to decide. This, in fact, is what we are looking for in a relationship (he, too, by the way). And this is very cool - as long as the partner does not try to snatch the remote control of your life from your hands. He must stay with you.
Financial Independence
If you want to have children, you will most likely lose your financial independence temporarily when your children are young and it will be very difficult to combine work and motherhood. This is, in principle, an interesting experience, if you have a reliable partner. But you can’t agree to the role of a “husband’s wife”, who sits at home and is completely dependent on her husband’s earnings.
Unless, of course, you have passive income (for example, you rent an apartment). Financial dependence is simply difficult if you are only responsible for yourself, and literally criminal if you have children. Even if a man appreciates your domestic work and pays for it, if you do not feel dependent, you still have to earn money yourself. Because life is unpredictable. Tomorrow your darling may leave. Get sick. Die. His money, on which you were dependent, will disappear in an instant. What will you do then?
Personal space
Everyone needs a personal space, everyone needs the opportunity to be alone sometimes. If you are a resident of a metropolis, you need this doubly - your psyche is subjected to daily attacks: too many people, too much noise, too crowded. You are always in tension, to which you are already accustomed, and you do not notice it. But sooner or later, chronic stress will make itself felt - and you will get sick. Sometimes you need to be alone: turn off communication and take a break.
This should never be sacrificed. Just because otherwise you will break.
Your body is your business
It's not about looks, it's about your reproductive system. The moment a man and a woman decide to have sex, they both take risks. A man risks the freedom that a childless person has. You risk your health and even life. Because it is you who bears and gives birth (or does not give birth - as you choose). You risk much more. That's why you choose the method of protection. You are planning a pregnancy. You decide how many children you will have and when. A man has an advisory vote, you can take it into account, or you can not take it. And this does not mean that only you are responsible.
Wishes and dreams
What you dream about should stay with you. If a man does not share your desires, he has the right not to help you fulfill them. But you have no right to interfere. Relationships are, at their core, a daily compromise. Both of you will give up something important, simply because there are two of you now, and you want a harmonious relationship.
And they are impossible without compromise. Everyone will give up something - for the common good. But giving up and giving up are two different things. What is truly important to you should stay with you. Because otherwise it won't be you.
Habits and pleasures
Our brain is a rather lazy thing: it gets used to a certain pattern and tries to repeat it so as not to waste resources on creating a new pattern. That is why it is so difficult for us to give up habits, including bad ones. Because they, oddly enough, make us happy. And we also have our little joys. And they make us doubly happy. And happiness is just chemistry, but the chemistry is very subtle: if you deprive yourself of joys, you will not be able to endure and get used to it. The brain is broken. This is called depression and leads to sad consequences. Up to death. Therefore, if you need a cat for happiness, may you always have a cat. Even if he will shit on your sweetheart's slippers all his life.
This cat is not just a malevolent ball of fur. He is your source of strength.
Independence
And by the way, about cats: there are a lot of jokes on the Web about a “strong and independent woman” who lives with forty cats, and she has nothing else. No relationship, no family, no man around. "It's horrible!" - as the network jokers would tell us. "It's waiting for you!" they threaten. We have a question: is this waiting for you, if - what? If you are strong and independent? That is, arguing logically, we will come to the conclusion that men prefer the weak and dependent. And if you want personal happiness, you need to become one.
No matter how. The weak and dependent do not admire anyone. They are laughed at. These same jokes about "stupid and helpless blondes" are a mockery of weakness. Jokes about "Oh, everyone!" is a mockery of weakness. Jokes about "I didn't touch anything, it's on its own!" are mockery of weakness and dependence. A woman who is incapable of being strong and independent is only needed by abusers.
This is a very convenient victim who will never go anywhere, who can be mocked with impunity until she finally breaks down. A man with a normal psyche wants to see a woman next to him, and not a victim, not an "eternal child" and not a frightened creature unable to take care of himself. Therefore, if you feel that your independence is being encroached upon, use the power that you have. Use in order not to sacrifice the most important thing.
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Difficult relationship with a man
Difficult relationship scenarios are very different, but they have common features: a little happiness at the beginning, and then a lot of fatigue, pain and longing.
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Love and relationships
What to do, if
types of men
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Martha Ketro
writer
(Im) selfish love
From men you sometimes hear the common phrase “Animals love unselfishly”, and it always raises doubts: firstly, animals are tamed after all by food, food and affection secondly, where did a person suffer so much from self-interest, maybe a secret millionaire or an illegitimate child of the British royal house?
Look - no, an ordinary man of average everything: age, wealth, physical condition.
Why did the crowds of greedy women exhaust him so much that he switched to animals, hopefully in a platonic sense?
Animals can be loved without obligation. You fall in love with a woman a little, and you immediately owe her a lot: loyalty, care, being on her side, returning home on time, after all. Otherwise, there is a risk that she will lose faith in your love and run away. And with the animal, be whatever you like, just do not beat and feed. The dog does not care where you were, how sober and with whom you slept, when you meet, it still jumps to the ceiling and licks your hands. And this animal undemandingness is what people call disinterestedness.
Everyone, of course, has their own preferences, but the problem begins when they try to impose this model on a human partner. With women who are very in love, especially young ones, this may well work out. If only he would come, be there, hug him, and she would "accept him as he is." Sounds great, but when that "as is" includes infidelity, cruelty, petty domestic tyranny, it's best to stop being so nice.
A man is insecure, and rightly so, and with your love, he feeds the need for unconditional adoration and unwillingness to behave like a human being. And what’s more, the requirement to “love anyone” constantly needs to be reinforced and verified. And will she love me not only drunk, but also rude? And the unemployed? What about unbelievers? What's broken? Well, I told you, only dogs are disinterested.
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Love with benefits
It is easy and pleasant to use a loving person. He can take on some of the affairs and expenses, help in business, improve the social status of a partner - when a new man appears next to a bright woman, he inevitably gets some of the attention directed at her. A loving woman can make a man's house cozy and psychologically comfortable, or just sometimes come and wash the dishes. She can console, sympathize, delve into the interests of a man and be his companion and assistant.
The question is what she gets for this service. Strong women at the beginning of a relationship often have a joyful desire to give their loved one all of themselves, the whole world and a new phone to boot. But if he takes gifts for granted, considers them a woman's duty, raises demands and does nothing in return, this drains both strength and love.
Co-dependence love
Volumes have been written about love for alcoholics, drug addicts, gamblers and other addicted people, but from the outside it is still difficult to understand what women find in these types.
Strong passion is intoxicating, even when it is not directed at you. At first, a woman notices not dependence, but an inner fire burning in a person. A man is bright, purposeful, uninhibited, is above conventions, in good moments he is inspired, charming and hot. The whirlwind of experiences is captivating, and one does not immediately guess that the magic is caused by a triple portion of strong alcohol, a dose of a substance, or luck at the casino.
After an unpleasant discovery, the next step is rescue. I would like to have this shining firework with me, but so that it does not kill itself every time after the show. A woman is involved in control, treatment, recovery, experiences despair during breakdowns and delight during bright periods. Her life is full of emotions, meaning, victories and defeats. But this is not her life, this is again a service - someone else's passion. A man has an affair with alcohol or drugs, and she is on the hook. Girls who were not too sweet in childhood are often involved in co-dependent relationships: for example, parents placed excessive expectations on them, reproached them a lot, shamed them, demanded to be more mature, stronger and more conscious than a child should be. Such women often experience feelings of guilt, anxiety, fear, acutely feel their own inferiority and therefore run away into the "service" of a bright, crazy and at the same time weak person.
Painful love
Everything is fine, but for some reason it hurts.
Unlike the previous ones, this is a symmetrical relationship that is equally bad for both participants - both for the one who hurts and who hurts.
Men with defective self-esteem tend to be offended by almost everything. She said the wrong thing, looked the wrong way, praised the wrong person, did what he didn’t like - they tend to see humiliation in their address in any act. I trusted you, attached myself, brought you closer to me (and hello again, Your Royal Highness), and you betrayed me. How, what did you betray, what did you do? Yes, even if you joked awkwardly or drank coffee with a girlfriend who was unsympathetic to him - and that’s it, you are no longer on his side, you broke your heart, ruined your relationship. He will forgive out of kindness, but he will not forget the guilt and will remind you at every opportunity. A person needs a tool to manage you, and the feeling of imposed guilt is great. And, yes, for fictional sins, he will offend you quite realistically and sensitively.
Love is a role-playing game
Such relationships are simple and quite pleasant if both understand what game they are playing. An adult man wants to raise and educate a little girl, but the girl just did not receive parental love and is willingly adopted. The big boy has been looking for a mother for a mammoth all his life, and the woman has an unspent supply of maternal love and a desire to patronize. Someone needs a commander, someone a subordinate, someone a goddess, someone a priest. Everything is fine if it is natural and easy for both to be in their role and no one claims to have an Adult-Adult relationship, where both bear equal responsibility and have equal rights. If the Child accidentally grows up and encroaches on the power of the Parent, everything will collapse. And it’s even worse when only one person initially plays the game: the man was adopted or got himself a “baby”, and the woman wanted a partnership. Then you have to change the scheme or leave it.
Virtual love
Relationships that cannot be taken seriously are for young enthusiastic fools, not for conscious individuals. But one day a conscious person becomes involved in a virtual romance without noticing how.
Begins with normal communication on the Web. You meet someone very smart, with a similar sense of humor, but a different life experience, you are incredibly interesting together, you can chat in chats for hours and be as witty, light and cheerful as ever with anyone. And this person also finds the right word to support you in any situation. And he is always at hand, even if not on the Web, he thinks about you, and you feel. Doesn't demand anything, just loves.
The word is out, it's not friendship anymore. And then a matter of time, sooner or later you will want to realize your intimacy in an understandable way. It usually comes to sex (and sometimes not), but it suddenly turns out that the virtuality of this connection was not accidental - not only does the man not live nearby, there are usually other reasons.
For example, he is not free. And it's good if you're married. A distant lover can be so poor that he cannot come to you, or turn out to be a prisoner, a person with addictions - in general, his possibilities are really limited, he is physically available to you either through great efforts or not at all. Well, with pain in your heart, you can stay in a virtual format. But this love will begin to rapidly absorb your real life. Other men will seem insipid, and if someone is still found, then you are threatened with a scene of jealousy. As a result, you will either lose your virtual loved one or yourself.
Unrequited love
That rare case when the partner has absolutely nothing to do with it. A woman is free to choose an object herself, fall in love and break her heart. Sometimes this happens after a short relationship, terminated at the initiative of a man, sometimes out of the blue. For some reason, at this stage, she needs difficult love, either to give a taste of life, or to close herself from problems that need to be solved, from the unpleasant truth or existing painful relationships.
The situation is complicated by the fact that unrequited love is surrounded by a dense romantic veil, and from the inside it feels like some kind of valor and recklessness on the verge of heroism. A woman decides to love and brings all of herself to the altar of this feeling, it seems important to her to be faithful to her imaginary lover and wait for him on the shore, like Assol, Solveig or Conchita Argüello. The fact that her Grey, Peer Gynt or Nikolai Petrovich Rezanov does not need her at all and has not promised to return does not mean anything. A woman is busy with her beautiful experience and can spend years on it. This is a rather difficult situation, because it is bad and hopeless, but it is not so easy to part with a strong and passionate feeling, life seems insipid without it. You can stop this when the need changes and the need for a feat disappears, or with the help of a psychologist, which is much more accurate.
All these loves are strange, painful, difficult, but their presence in our destiny excuses only one thing.
