What is a psychic vampire

How to spot (and deal with) an energy vampire

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Energy vampires are friends, family members or coworkers who literally zap your emotional energy. Here's how to avoid getting sucked dry.

Energy vampires most often target those who are sensitive and compassionate — and likely to lend a listening ear. Seb Oliver / Getty Images/Image Source

Aug. 2, 2018, 7:58 AM UTC / Updated Aug. 2, 2018, 7:58 AM UTC

By Sarah DiGiulio

They leave you feeling drained after every conversation. They want your nonstop attention and the conversation is always about them. They may be charming, charismatic and the life-of-the-party personality. They also may cheat. They may lie. And it’s probably someone else’s fault when something goes wrong.

These are some (but certainly not all) of the traits you might run across in someone who is an “energy vampire.”

An energy vampire is somebody who literally zaps your energy dry.

“An energy vampire is somebody who literally zaps your energy dry,” Judith Orloff, MD, a psychiatrist on the University of California-Los Angeles Psychiatric Clinical Faculty, tells NBC News BETTER.

There are different types and they fall on a spectrum, she adds. There’s the narcissistic drama queen friend who’s always dealing with one crisis or another. There’s the manipulative coworker who doesn’t care who she steps on to get ahead. And there’s the downright psychopathic criminal.

What energy vampires all have in common is they “feed on” (or manipulate) people who will give them air space and open ears.

Unsurprisingly those most often targeted are the sensitive, compassionate, always-see-the-good-in-people types of people, Orloff says. (She’s also author of a book on the topic, "The Empath’s Survival Guide: Life Strategies for Sensitive People".)

Energy vampire isn’t a clinical term or diagnosis currently. But Christiane Northrup, MD, author of the recent book "Dodging Energy Vampires," explains that energy vampire characteristics do tend to map to “cluster B” personality disorders — the ones where people tend to have dramatic, overly emotional or erratic thinking or behavior — which are fairly common, she says. (Northrup spent 25 years practicing obstetrics and gynecology and now focuses on being an advocate for women’s health and wellness.)

Cluster B includes people with antisocial, borderline and narcissistic personality disorders, and each of those is a clinical diagnosis with measurable specific traits spelled out in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5), the diagnostic playbook psychologists use to identify mental health disorders.

“There’s no chemical imbalance in the brain or anything like that,” she adds. But individuals either lack or have a somewhat misguided conscience or moral compass, she says.

According to Northrup, energy vampires also include the extreme end of the spectrum of these personality disorders, namely psychopaths and sociopaths. They are often talented, but manipulative, too. They feed on your good, loving and compassionate energy, and they have no qualms about doing so, she says. They make you feel guilty, as if you’re never giving enough.

Who is and who’s not an energy vampire?

While psychopaths, according to Northrup’s definition, are one type of energy vampire, they’re certainly not the most common ones you might come across. Think of any names that came to mind as you read the first part of this article. That’s a good way to start identifying the energy vampires in your life, Northrup says.

Not everyone with narcissistic traits or who enjoys being the life of the party is necessarily an energy vampire, she adds. There are some who recognize what they’re doing if you call them out on it and stop. Energy vampires (those who could be diagnosed with a character disorder), however, are addicted to that kind of behavior and the attention they get from it.

Generally they’re self-centered people and they’re somewhat manipulative, Northrup says. “On some level they all know what they’re doing and they do it because it works.”

The non-energy vampires of the world give them the benefit of the doubt that they really do need your love, compassion and good chi, Northrup adds, “because we think they think like we do. ” And that’s why energy vampires are so dangerous, she says.

Some energy vampires may have inherited those character traits from a parent and they’re unaware of how their behavior affects others.

This is where Orloff’s definition of energy vampire differs. She says they’re so dangerous because energy vampires may not know what they’re doing (other than the truly manipulative psychopaths and sociopaths). Some energy vampires may have inherited those character traits from a parent and they’re unaware of how their behavior affects others, she says.

Spending too much time with energy vampires can make you sick

What makes energy vampires so toxic is that they can be sources of chronic stress, says Northrup. Especially if the energy vampire is someone you can’t avoid — such as a spouse, a parent or a boss — constantly having your energy drained by that individual is a stressor, she says. “You’re constantly walking on eggshells around that person; waiting for the next shoe to drop. ”

And that type of chronic stress is well known to have pretty deleterious effects on multiple systems in the body, including the immune, cardiovascular, neuroendocrine and central nervous systems.

Evidence shows that people under chronic stress are at a higher risk of chronic problems ranging from autoimmune diseases to heart disease, obesity and depression.

“They’re a health risk,” Northrup says about the energy vampires in our lives.

How to vanquish energy vampires (or at least not get sucked dry)

Remember that when it comes to looking out for your own energy and well-being around energy vampires, you’re not being selfish, you’re practicing good self-care, Orloff says. Doing so keeps you from getting overwhelmed, anxious and sick. Here’s how:

Cut them out of your life (if you can). If they’re not someone you can’t avoid (such as a boss or a family member), cut off contact with the person, Northrup says. If it’s an ex-spouse who you still need to communicate with — perhaps if you have children — communicate as little as possible and use technology to your advantage, she adds. Text or use a messaging app, rather than making plans over the phone.
Set boundaries. Know what types of activities work well and which ones don’t, and plan accordingly. Maybe going out to lunch or coffee is bearable, but inviting that individual to your house is just too much. Set beginning and end times, Northrup says.
Lower expectations. If you’re dealing with a narcissist, know that these people are not capable of being empathetic toward you, Orloff says. So don’t expect that from them. Avoid bearing your soul to that person to protect yourself from feeling disappointed when they don’t meet you with the understanding you’re looking for.
Be too tired for them. Northrup calls this strategy “broken wing.” When an energy vampire tries to bend your ear, tell them you feel under the weather or really tired. “They will go to another source immediately,” Northrup says. “They do not want to be around somebody who doesn’t have energy to give back. ”
‘Grey rock’ them. Act like a grey rock around them, Northrup says. Don’t entertain them. Don’t give them energy. Don’t give them the response (whether it be your open ear, your sympathy or your support) that they’re looking for and they’ll lose interest.
Know the difference between “venting” and “dumping.” Everybody needs to voice frustration now and again. Energy vampires constantly dump their frustrations, irritations, annoyances, bad days and negative feelings on others. “It’s really important to know the difference between venting (is accountable to their role in the problem and looking for a solution or resolution) and dumping (think unintelligible rant),” Orloff says. “So you can sit limits and not just sit there and take it.”
Do NOT overreact. Remain cool, calm and collected when dealing with an energy vampire, Northrup says. Losing it can cause an energy vampire to do the same and make you feel worse about yourself.
Make sure you have a way to reality check. Determine which of your friends or family can be your reality check on the situation — trusted individuals who can level set with you when the energy vampire in your life is acting up, Northrup says. “Yes, they’re acting crazy. Yes, it looks like they’re getting away with murder.” Those trusted reality check friends can help affirm that what you feel in your gut is right, and not the other way around.
Say “no” nicely. “It’s OK to not invite people to interact with you. And it’s OK to say no to people,” Orloff says. And remember, “no” is a sentence in and of itself, she adds. You can say it in a nice way that’s not impolite or uncaring, she says. “You can be a loving, compassionate person and still stick up for yourself. You don’t need to be a doormat.”

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10 Signs to Watch For and How to Deal with Them

Energy vampires are people who — sometimes intentionally — drain your emotional energy. They feed on your willingness to listen and care for them, leaving you exhausted and overwhelmed.

Energy vampires can be anywhere and anyone. They can be your spouse or your best friend. They can be your cubicle mate or your neighbor.

Learning how to identify and respond to this toxic behavior can help you preserve your energy and protect yourself from a great deal of emotional — and physical — distress.

Read on to learn more about how an energy vampire acts and what you can do next.

Energy vampires are often charismatic. They may slink out of trouble when problems arise because of this charm.

They’re crafty and may pin problems on someone else in almost every situation.

They never accept culpability for their role in any disagreement or issue. You’re often left holding the guilt — and possibly the blame.

For example:

“I can’t believe no one could get this right. What an embarrassment!”
“I just sat there. He kept getting angry at me, and I still don’t know what I did.”

Energy vampires always find themselves in the middle of a catastrophe, flailing from target to target with their emotional and dramatic behavior.

When they’ve landed on you, they fling this drama onto you in hopes you’ll absorb it, fix it, and right their ship.

For example:

“Why am I always the one everyone gets mad at? I don’t deserve this.”
“I just can’t take this anymore. I didn’t do anything to Ellen, but she’s stopped talking to me. Why can’t everyone be as kind as you?”

An energy vampire never likes to be outdone, and they aren’t keen to share the spotlight. This is one of their many narcissistic tendencies.

They struggle to feel genuine happiness for another person. Instead, they prefer to pull energy to feed their emotional demands.

For example:

“That’s really good news. I actually applied for a new job today, too, and I really need some help with my resume. Do you mind looking it over?”
“So proud of you! Only three more certifications to go to catch up with me!”

Energy vampires feed off your emotional energy. And if you’re sad or upset, your energy supplies are dwindling.

To drain the most energy from you, energy vampires will shift the attention of the discussion to themselves, turning your dismay into their emotional buffet.

For example:

“I know your job doesn’t pay well, but at least your job is fun. You have to help me find a new one.”
“You’re super swamped at work, and I get it, but I really, really need to talk to you tonight about this issue with Mark.”

Energy vampires place their problems squarely on the shoulders of other people. They take no responsibility for their contributions to their difficulties.

What they’re seeking is emotional support to boost their self-esteem.

For example:

“He’s always so unreasonable. I do the best I can, but it’s just never enough.”
“This day started off bad and it only got worse.”

People who are sensitive and compassionate are prime targets for energy vampires. You offer a listening ear, a kind heart, and endless energy.

In that way, energy vampires use your very nature against you, draining you of your vitality.

For example:

They monopolize your time at every social occasion so they can have as much of your energy as they can get.
They know you’ll feel guilty turning them down for coffee or a dinner date, so they ask regularly.

Energy vampires often rely on guilt trips to get what they want. They know shame is a great weapon against people who are compassionate and caring.

Likewise, ultimatums are an effective way to capture a person’s attention and coerce them into doing something they otherwise may not want to do.

For example:

“I don’t know how you expect me to make it without you. I’ll fall apart.”
“If you really care for me, you’ll call him and tell him how much I love him.”

Codependency is a type of relationship where every action is designed to elicit a certain reaction from the other individual.

It’s a vicious cycle of behavior, but energy vampires rarely recognize that they’re in them.

They use these relationships — often romantic ones — to continue spinning a cycle of drama and emotional need.

For example:

“I know this isn’t a good relationship, but it’s so much better than trying to get over him and learn to date again.”
“If I just ignore him for a few days, he’ll totally beg for forgiveness and come crawling back.”

At their core, energy vampires are often insecure. They may use dehumanizing tactics and criticisms to keep their “prey” insecure, too.

In this state, you feel like you owe them your attention and should continue to work to stop the unwarranted attacks.

For example:

“I was too stupid to expect better from you. Everyone else treats me like garbage, so why not you?”
“You were in over your head from the beginning, and I told you that.”

One step removed from criticizing or bullying you, intimidation is a tool some energy vampires turn to when they need to stir up some emotional fodder.

Fear is a very strong emotional reaction. If an energy vampire can upset you, they can bolster their ego.

For example:

“I won’t tell you this again and again.”
“You don’t deserve a promotion. You don’t show that you even really want it.”

Energy vampires demand a lot from the people they target.

This continuous drain on your resources can have a noticeable effect on your well-being. Over time, excess stress can lead to anxiety, depression, heart disease, and more.

That’s why it’s important to recognize the behaviors and then work to remove them.

This may involve putting up walls to protect against an energy vampire’s efforts — or removing the person from your life entirely.

The ideas below may not work for everyone. Try them and mold your approach as you go until you’re able to feel in control and protected.

Establish boundaries

Although this may be easier said than done at first, you can and should develop areas of your life where you won’t allow an energy vampire to enter.

Don’t agree to social events like dinner or coffee dates. Avoid weekend trips and other extended events where they’ll be in attendance.

At work, you can limit interactions between the two of you by not agreeing to lunches and not stopping by their desk to chat.

You may need to start small, focusing on a few areas, and then expand.

Adjust your expectations

You can’t fix an energy vampire, but you can reshape your expectations about them.

This may involve shutting off your emotional valve and not offering advice when they vent their problems to you.

This may also mean you can’t use them as any type of emotional release either. They’ll want to reciprocate.

Don’t give them an inch

If the energy vampire calls, stops by, or texts, don’t give them the room.

Offer an excuse — “I’m too tired” or “I’m too busy” will do. You could say that you’ve got plans or don’t feel well.

When they keep interfacing with excuses and not getting the emotional energy they need, they’ll look elsewhere.

Guard your emotional capacity

Energy vampires use nonverbal cues to know when they have someone on the hook. Your facial expression, the way you lean in, how you clasp your hands — an energy vampire can take these as signs of your investment.

If you instead offer stone-faced responses and only offer short statement to their questions, you won’t open yourself up to their demands, and you can reserve your energy for you.

Cut them out entirely

In most cases, you have the freedom to excise this person from your life entirely. This may seem dramatic, but you have to remember that you’re protecting yourself in the end.

By recognizing these behaviors and trying to put an end to it, you’re protecting yourself, your health, and your overall well-being.

No one deserves to be mistreated or used in this manner. It’s certainly not your fault.

Some people refuse to accept responsibility for their own emotional maturity — and that isn’t your burden to bear.

How not to become a victim of an energy vampire

First you need to understand that a person "energy vampire" does not want to solve his own problems, he only wants to create such a look in order to get pity, your attention and energy. Of course, we spend energy in the process of interacting with people, and in this case, the vampire only consumes, but he himself does not give anything, because he does not have it at all. Otherwise, he would not try to "recharge" about other people. And therefore, no logical arguments and arguments will help such a person. Moreover, the more rational your proposals are, the more he will be angry with you and “whining”.

Since we have abandoned the attempt to "cure" such a person, we need to take care of ourselves. The shortest answer to a question on this topic is: "Just refuse to associate with such a person" . Before you start communicating with this friend, you can ask: “What do you want to talk to me about?”. And if you are not interested in the topic, then you can simply say that you do not want to talk about it, or you are not in the mood for communication at all, or in extreme cases, even that you no longer want to communicate with this person because you are uncomfortable.

Yes, yes, I understand you. You say that this is very rude, no one does that, and it’s not human at all. And I'll tell you that do not be afraid to look bad . Do not be afraid to be bad for someone because you have every right to be the way you want. In the same way that this person has the right to impose his communication on everyone, you have the right to refuse it. What are you losing? Only a person who was already not useful to you, and communication that only brings you inconvenience. In this case, there is no option where everyone likes you and at the same time got rid of uncomfortable communication.

But what if the “vampire” is a relative with whom contact is inevitable? Here you should minimize the amount of time spent with him as much as possible. You need to make a list of topics that you will start, so as not to jump into topics that you do not like. You will need to be able to say "no" and stick to it. You will have to face your “dark side” every time, which firmly, confidently builds its boundaries. Yes, you can see yourself from a different perspective. And if you are ready for the fact that you will be accused of heartlessness and selfishness, then this is your option.

Learn these phrases: “I don't want to talk about it. We can change the subject. If we don't change the subject, then I'll be forced to leave"; “You can’t do this with me”, “I don’t talk about these topics ...”, “I can’t help you with anything”, “You can do what you want, and I can do what I want. I want to end this conversation." And it is very important that you ALWAYS follow what you say, otherwise any slack will give rise to new attacks from the “vampire man”. Remember that he will not come to his senses, will not change, he will not understand your hints and persuasion. He will just do what he wants, and you will be squeezed like a lemon. Therefore, you must be firm in your actions. Not cruel, but confident and firm. If, after the first request to change the subject, the person continues to "push", you simply physically move away from him. And so every time, until he learns this algorithm. Keep the communication short, but not harmful to both of you.

There is no magic way to make a person stop "vampirizing", but there is a way to keep you from this communication. Use if you need it. And remember that only you determine your environment. Choose with whom to communicate and with whom not. This is your life.

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6 types of psycho-emotional vampires | PSYCHOLOGIES

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Man among men Practices how to

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The concept of "psycho-emotional vampire" is a metaphor that refers to people who take away our energy. Everyone knows the feeling when we lose emotional, mental and physical energy when we meet. Usually, we do not try to analyze the reasons for the loss of strength, but take it for granted, attribute it to problems at work, or look for the cause of negative emotions in ourselves.

The abundance of stress in everyday life makes us accustomed to feeling exhausted and empty. But often the cause of fatigue lies in the stress that arises from the environment - managers, department heads, business partners, spouses, colleagues, friends, parents, and even children.

The principle of interaction with such people is as follows: a person who feeds on the energy of another almost always focuses on old injuries or wounds of his "feeder", generating energy in him. He uses the energy of another to compensate for his deficit.

As a rule, a “vampire” and a “feeder” are people with very low self-esteem, so one takes, the other gives

“Vampires” always press on sensitive and painful points, and we experience the same feelings every time we react in the same way. But as soon as we learn not to let criticism into ourselves, we heal painful points, then we will cease to be “feeders”. You need to work through traumas from the past, come to harmony with yourself.

In describing the types of psycho-emotional vampires, you can see a partial resemblance to yourself or someone else. But there are people who "fit" into several types at once. Each person can be both a "vampire" and a "feeder" at the same time.

Type No. 1: “Callless Soul”

Example

A woman cries and turns to her husband: “When I am hurt and lonely, you always leave. You don't want to help me." The husband, without delving into her words, says that he urgently needs to get to a friend and take some thing from him, because this is more important than his wife’s “contrived” problem.

Type characteristic

He usually suffers from narcissistic personality disorder, he is convinced of his own uniqueness. He is emotionally cold, incapable of relationships, or uninterested in other people's feelings. He considers himself a very important person. He is usually recognized, respected and appreciated at work. He leaves his "feeders" without support.

Characteristics of the "feeder"

These are emotional, hypersensitive people. Relationships are very important to them. Most often, these are kind people who appeal to another person, not understanding why he does not want to understand them.

How to conserve energy

Don't expose your feelings too much to rational people. Stop trying to change them and impress on them that the soul and feelings are important. If they want, they will change themselves. Protect your psycho-emotional harmony by maintaining relationships with people who are focused on accepting the world of feelings of another person. If the “hard soul” is your spouse, harmonize in communication with friends who, like you, are aimed at sensual relationships. This will reduce tension and prevent him from feeding on your energy.

Photo: Unsplash

Type #2: Hunter

Example

An employee comes to the boss with good news about the past conference. The boss, with an arrogant expression on his face, declares that next time he can do "even better."

Characteristics of the type

Egocentric personality type, overestimating himself. He does not allow himself to be contradicted. Most often despotic, reckless, considers himself irreplaceable. May suffer from narcissistic personality disorder. He thinks his work matters the most. He is not able to understand the world of feelings and experiences of other people, while he reacts very strongly to criticism addressed to him. Anger and devaluation are his most common reactions to criticism. This type sets traps, testing people, and "sucks" the energy from his employees, who can never please him. Thus, they become "feeders", falling into traps.

Characteristics of the "feeder"

These people very often need recognition from others, they are completely dependent on other people's opinions, they always look for the cause of failures in themselves. They try to please everyone. They, like the “hunter”, have low self-esteem. Often they idealize the "hunter", not realizing that he himself suffers from low self-esteem.

How to save energy

If you realize that your "hunter" is a narcissistic nature with egocentric tendencies, then the first thing you can do is to stop trying to please him. Activate your strengths and make a decision not to let yourself be confused.

Type #3: "Depressed whiner"

Example

A woman comes to her friend and says that they are going to have a fun trip. A friend with a sad smile declares: “This is, of course, good, but what will this trip give us? We will come and everything will be the same. And yes, it's a long ride. You still need to think about what to take with you. And these stations, buses, settlements ... ”Communicating with a“ whiner ”, people never know exactly why they feel bad. Either something negative happens to him all the time, or he is just a person of mood. He also believes that others are always to blame for everything.

Characteristics of the type

This type usually feels like a victim, carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. He has a constantly sad and suffering expression on his face. Life is given to him hard, his whole existence is a heavy burden. Often he has a lot of time, but he does not bring anything to the end, and he manages to establish little in life. He lives with the attitude: “I feel bad and you have to help me. I need to be encouraged, to please, to entertain, to calm down. It has a strong effect on people, reducing their emotional background. The danger is that this type has severe depression that is difficult to recognize. His environment, that is, "feeders", are not aware of depression, they see only arrogance and self-centeredness, through which frustration peeps.

Characteristics of the "feeder"

These are people who themselves are prone to depression or are currently in an unstable psycho-emotional state.

How to save energy

Ask yourself the question more often: “What worries a person at the moment, why does he feel bad?” Try to talk to him, get more information. This will give him a sense of being needed, which will increase his sense of worth. Try not to be angry with him. If you can build a relationship with him and allow yourself to be introduced into his circle of trust, this will reduce his need for your energy.

Type 4: "Neglective"

Example

In a large company, one of the interlocutors tells the other what is going on in his life. The second, in response, dismissively turns away to the other interlocutor and begins to tell something of his own, without answering or reacting in any way to the previous interlocutor.

Characteristics of the type

This type is unique in that, although he asks the interlocutor about something, he is not at all interested in the answer. He devastates his "feeders" so much that they sometimes cannot carry on a conversation on a physical level. His behavior follows his algorithm, he says something, but the person cannot express his opinion, since the “neglecting” type does not listen to him at all. He is most often only interested in his own life, or he does not want to hear anything about problems so that he does not have to solve them. After communicating with this type, a person most often feels inner emptiness and looks for the root of the problem in himself.

Characteristics of the "feeder"

These are people with a very subtle and sensual nature. They love frank conversations and tell everything about themselves. They depend on the opinions of others and often need to establish relationships from which they expect approval and understanding.

How to save energy

First analyze the situation. If you understand that it is safe for you, then you can open the veil of your inner life. Do not tell everything about yourself, first understand whether it is necessary for people around you to know. Do not try to evaluate yourself and look for the root of the problem in yourself. Accept the fact that all people are different: there are sensitive and emotional people, and there are rational people who find it more difficult to understand the world of feelings of others.

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Type #5: Savior

Example

A young man had a fight with a girl. He shares the problem with his mother. The mother gives him a long lecture on how to fix everything, thereby violating the son's personal boundaries. To the words: “Mom, I didn’t ask you to give advice,” the mother most often begins to manipulate, claiming that she wants “the best”, that she tried to help, that she put so much effort into analyzing the situation, and the son turned out to be ungrateful.

Characteristic of type

Oddly enough, too much help can also drain energy. Usually this type is very eager to be good for everyone, wants everyone to be good. But others get tired of his obsessive help. He gives “helping” advice that people don’t need at all, and then declares: “I wanted to help, I do everything in order to help, and you ...” Communication with the “savior” is tiring and devastating, since the manipulation of good and non-perception of the desires of others greatly exhausts the "feeder".

Characteristics of the "feeder"

These are people who tend to feel sorry for themselves. They have low self-esteem, through which they often evaluate other people. They are used to competition and are often self-centered.

How to save energy

Refuse to criticize the "savior" - this will only encourage him to save your relationship. He will begin to "adapt" even more in order to win your love. Periodically ask what he would do in a certain situation. This will deprive him of confidence in the correctness of the answer, since the initiative comes from you, and not from him.

Type #6: All-knowing

Example

At a business meeting, one person starts talking about his business, another steps in and tries to show that he knows everything about the interlocutor's field of activity. He starts a long conversation "about nothing", because the information he owns is very superficial. But his internal task is to show himself as an expert in various fields. However, he does not give the interlocutor the opportunity to correct him. If this succeeds, the reaction of the "all-knowing" may be inadequate and aggressive.

Characteristics of the type

This type always tries to present himself as versatile erudite, even if he does not understand the topic under discussion at all. He believes that his life and opinion can be transferred to the lives of other people. They are usually very rational and selfish people with low self-esteem who are unable to put themselves in the place of others. Such a person knows the solution for any difficult situation, he “gets smart” a lot and annoys people with his superficial knowledge and advice. He argues for a very long time, expressing his opinion, and reacts negatively to someone who dares to object to him or convict him of ignorance.

Characteristics of the "feeder"

These are people with low self-esteem who take superficial statements and advice too seriously. They are in an unstable psycho-emotional state. At such moments, the "all-knowing" has a strong influence, as he sees doubt in the "feeder".

How to save energy

Try to give less information about yourself. Take advantage of the technique used by politicians and diplomats, simply answering: "No comment." This is the best and most effective way to save energy from the "all-knowing". Be carefull.

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