How to have a good self esteem

Raising low self-esteem - NHS

We all have times when we lack confidence and do not feel good about ourselves.

But when low self-esteem becomes a long-term problem, it can have a harmful effect on our mental health and our day-to-day lives.

What is self-esteem?

Self-esteem is the opinion we have of ourselves.

When we have healthy self-esteem, we tend to feel positive about ourselves and about life in general. It makes us better able to deal with life's ups and downs.

When our self-esteem is low, we tend to see ourselves and our life in a more negative and critical light. We also feel less able to take on the challenges that life throws at us.

What causes low self-esteem?

Low self-esteem often begins in childhood. Our teachers, friends, siblings, parents, and even the media send us positive and negative messages about ourselves. 

For some reason, the message that you are not good enough is the one that stays with you.

Perhaps you found it difficult to live up to other people's expectations of you, or to your own expectations.

Stress and difficult life events, such as serious illness or a bereavement, can have a negative effect on self-esteem.

Personality can also play a part. Some people are just more prone to negative thinking, while others set impossibly high standards for themselves.

How does low self-esteem affect us?

If you have low self-esteem or confidence, you may hide yourself away from social situations, stop trying new things, and avoid things you find challenging.

In the short term, avoiding challenging and difficult situations might make you feel safe.

In the longer term, this can backfire because it reinforces your underlying doubts and fears. It teaches you the unhelpful rule that the only way to cope is by avoiding things.

Living with low self-esteem can harm your mental health and lead to problems such as depression and anxiety.

You may also develop unhelpful habits, such as smoking and drinking too much, as a way of coping.

How to have healthy self-esteem

To boost your self-esteem, you need to identify the negative beliefs you have about yourself, then challenge them.

You may tell yourself you're "too stupid" to apply for a new job, for example, or that "nobody cares" about you.

Start to note these negative thoughts and write them on a piece of paper or in a diary. Ask yourself when you first started to think these thoughts.

Next, start to write some evidence that challenges these negative beliefs, such as, "I'm really good at cryptic crosswords" or "My sister calls for a chat every week".

Write down other positive things about yourself, such as "I'm thoughtful" or "I'm a great cook" or "I'm someone that others trust".

Also write some good things that other people say about you.

Aim to have at least 5 positive things on your list and add to it regularly. Then put your list somewhere you can see it. That way, you can keep reminding yourself that you're OK.

You might have low confidence now because of what happened when you were growing up, but we can grow and develop new ways of seeing ourselves at any age.

Other ways to improve low self-esteem

Here are some other simple techniques that may help you feel better about yourself.

Recognise what you're good at 

We're all good at something, whether it's cooking, singing, doing puzzles or being a friend. We also tend to enjoy doing the things we're good at, which can help boost your mood.

Build positive relationships

If you find certain people tend to bring you down, try to spend less time with them, or tell them how you feel about their words or actions.

Try to build relationships with people who are positive and who appreciate you.

Be kind to yourself

Being kind to yourself means being gentle to yourself at times when you feel like being self-critical.

Think what you'd say to a friend in a similar situation. We often give far better advice to others than we do to ourselves.

Learn to be assertive

Being assertive is about respecting other people's opinions and needs, and expecting the same from them.

One trick is to look at other people who act assertively and copy what they do.

It's not about pretending you're someone you're not. It's picking up hints and tips from people you admire and letting the real you come out.

Start saying "no"

People with low self-esteem often feel they have to say yes to other people, even when they do not really want to.

The risk is that you become overburdened, resentful, angry and depressed.

For the most part, saying no does not upset relationships. It can be helpful to keep saying no, but in different ways, until they get the message.

Give yourself a challenge

We all feel nervous or afraid to do things at times. But people with healthy self-esteem do not let these feelings stop them trying new things or taking on challenges.

Set yourself a goal, such as joining an exercise class or going to a social occasion. Achieving your goals will help to increase your self-esteem.

Where to find help for low self-esteem

Psychological therapies like counselling or cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) can help.

You can refer yourself for psychological therapies on the NHS.

If you prefer, you can talk to a GP first and they can refer you.

You could also find a private therapist. Make sure they're registered with a professional body.

Audio: unhelpful thinking

In this audio guide, a doctor helps you to replace negative thoughts with more positive thinking.

Media last reviewed: 2 March 2021
Media review due: 2 March 2024

Visit healthtalk. org to hear young people talking about their experiences of low self-esteem.

Video: psychological therapies for stress, anxiety and depression

Animated video explaining self-referral to psychological therapies services for stress, anxiety or depression.

Media last reviewed: 14 March 2022
Media review due: 14 March 2025

Improving Self-Esteem | Skills You Need

Self-esteem is how you feel about yourself, or the opinion you have about yourself. Everyone has times when they feel a bit low or find it hard to believe in themselves. However, if this becomes a long-term situation, this can lead to problems, including mental health issues such as depression or anxiety. Some of the symptoms of low self-esteem can also be a sign of these problems.

Self-esteem is often the result of a lifetime of experiences, and particularly what happened to us as children. However, it is possible to improve your self-esteem at any age. This page provides more information about self-esteem, and some actions that you can take to improve it.

Understanding Self-Esteem

Some people think of self-esteem as their inner voice (or self-dialogue) – the voice that tells you whether you are good enough to do or achieve something.

Self-esteem is actually about how we value ourselves, and our perceptions about who we are and what we are capable of.

Self-esteem is not about ability

Self-esteem is often not associated with either your own ability, or other people’s perceptions of you.

It is quite possible for someone who is good at something to have poor self-esteem. Conversely, someone who struggles with a particular task might generally have good self-esteem.

  • People with good self-esteem generally feel positive about themselves, and about life. This makes them much more resilient, and better able to cope with life’s ups and downs.

  • Those with poor self-esteem, however, are often much more critical of themselves. They find it harder to bounce back from challenges and setbacks. This may lead them to avoid difficult situations. That can, however, actually decrease their self-esteem still further, because they feel even worse about themselves as a result.

  • A lack of self-esteem can therefore influence how people behave, not to mention what they achieve in their lives.

    You may find it interesting to read our page The Importance of Mindset for more about how attitude influences behaviour.

    Why Do People Experience Low Self-Esteem?

    There are many reasons why someone might have low self-esteem. However, it often starts in childhood, perhaps with a feeling that you were unable to live up to expectations. It can also be the result of adult experiences such as a difficult relationship, either personal or at work.

    Self-esteem, domestic violence and abuse

    The victims of domestic violence and abuse often have low self-esteem.

    This may be because their abuser has spent time belittling them and making them feel bad about themselves, reducing their self-esteem. However, it may also be that their low self-esteem made them more vulnerable to being abused because they did not feel that they were valuable.

    Nobody should have to suffer from abuse or violence.

    If you, or anyone you know, is in this situation, you should seek help.

    • In the UK, sources of help include Childline, telephone 0800 1111, the NSPCC , and the National Domestic Violence Helpline, 0808 2000 247.
    • In the US, Government advice is that you can call the Domestic Violence Hotline on 800-799-SAFE (7233).

    Stressful life events, such as a divorce or bereavement, can also have negative effects on your self-esteem.

    Improving Your Self-Esteem

    There are a number of ways in which you can improve your self-esteem.

    1. Identify and Challenge Your Negative Beliefs

    The first step is to identify, and then challenge, your negative beliefs about yourself.

    Notice your thoughts about yourself. For example, you might find yourself thinking ‘I’m not clever enough to do that’ or ‘I have no friends’. When you do, look for evidence that contradicts those statements. Write down both statement and evidence, and keep looking back at it to remind yourself that your negative beliefs about yourself are not true.

    2. Identify the Positive About Yourself

    It is also a good idea to write down positive things about yourself, such as being good at a sport, or nice things that people have said about you. When you start to feel low, look back at these things, and remind yourself that there is plenty of good about you.

    In general, positive internal dialogue is a big part of improving your self-esteem.

    If you catch yourself saying things like ‘I’m not good enough’ or ‘I’m a failure’, you can start to turn things around by saying ‘I can beat this’ and ‘I can become more confident by viewing myself in a more positive way’.

    To begin with you will catch yourself falling back into old negative habits, but with regular effort you can start to feel more positive and build your self-esteem as well.

    3. Build Positive Relationships—and Avoid Negative Ones

    You will probably find that there are certain people—and certain relationships—that make you feel better than others.

    If there are people who make you feel bad about yourself, try to avoid them.

    Build relationships with people who make you feel good about yourself and avoid the relationships that drag you down.

    4. Give Yourself a Break

    You don’t have to be perfect every hour of every day. You don’t even have to feel good about yourself all the time.

    Self-esteem varies from situation to situation, from day to day and hour to hour. Some people feel relaxed and positive with friends and colleagues, but uneasy and shy with strangers. Others may feel totally in command of themselves at work but struggle socially (or vice versa).

    Give yourself a break. We all have times when we feel a bit down or find it harder to maintain our self-belief.

    The key is not to be too hard on yourself. Be kind to yourself, and not too critical.

    Avoid criticising yourself to others, because this can reinforce your negative views—and also give other people a (possibly false) negative opinion of you.

    You can help to boost your self-esteem by giving yourself a treat whenever you succeed in doing something hard, or just for managing a particularly bad day.

    5. Become More Assertive and Learn to Say No

People with low self-esteem often find it hard to stand up for themselves or say no to others.

This means that they may become over-burdened at home or at work, because they do not like to refuse anyone anything. However, this can increase stress, and make it even harder to manage.

Developing your assertiveness can therefore help to improve your self-esteem. Sometimes acting as if you believed in yourself can actually help to increase self-belief!

Our pages on Assertiveness provide more information about this, including how to improve your assertiveness.

6. Improve Your Physical Health

It is much easier to feel good about ourselves when we are fit and healthy.

However, people with low self-esteem often neglect themselves, because they do not feel that they ‘deserve’ to be looked after.

Try taking more exercise, eating well, and getting enough sleep. It is also a good idea to make time to relax and to do something that you want to do, rather than something that someone else expects you to do. You may find that simple changes like this can make a huge difference to your overall outlook.

You may like to read our pages on The Importance of Exercise, Diet, Health and Nutrition, What is Sleep? and The Importance of Sleep for more information. You might also like our page on Relaxation Techniques.

7. Take On Challenges

People with low self-esteem often avoid challenging and difficult situations.

One way to improve your self-esteem can actually be to take on a challenge. This doesn’t mean that you need to do everything yourself—part of the challenge might be to seek help when you need it—but be prepared to try something that you know will be difficult to achieve.

By succeeding, you show yourself that you can achieve.

This challenges your negative beliefs and will therefore improve your self-esteem.

Further Reading from Skills You Need

The Skills You Need Guide to Personal Development

Learn how to set yourself effective personal goals and find the motivation you need to achieve them. This is the essence of personal development, a set of skills designed to help you reach your full potential, at work, in study and in your personal life.

The second edition of or bestselling eBook is ideal for anyone who wants to improve their skills and learning potential, and it is full of easy-to-follow, practical information.

The Importance of Small Steps

It is very unlikely that you will go from poor to good self-esteem overnight.

Instead, you will probably find you make small improvements over a period of time. The key is to look over the long term, rather than day-to-day, and focus on the big picture, not the detail of how you felt at a particular moment yesterday.

When you feel good, or you do something good, celebrate it—but don’t beat yourself up if you occasionally slip back into negative patterns of thinking. Just pick yourself up again and try to think more positively. Eventually, this will become a habit and you will find that your self-esteem has quietly got better.

How to Increase Self-Esteem and Confidence: Psychology


Practices how to

Tip 1. The only way to realize who you are is to find what suits you.

Tip 2. Talking about problems in a relationship reduces the fear of being abandoned.

Tip 3. Perhaps you are always trying to guess what the norm is. It is important for people with low self-esteem to know and understand that the concept of "normality" does not exist. It is more effective to ask yourself the question: what is really important to you? What is important to your family? The challenge isn't to figure out what's normal for you, but to figure out what works best for you and your loved ones.

Tip 4. The first step in overcoming any bad habit is to recognize it. To boost self-esteem and self-confidence, just watch yourself. Instead of engaging in self-judgment, try to get to know yourself by analyzing how you behave. When a person begins to look at himself honestly and without judgment, can separate himself from his behavior, he is able to change, develop and grow.

Tip 5. Feelings cannot be right or wrong. If we consider our feeling to be wrong, then guilt is added to it, and this makes the situation even worse. The anger you feel is real. If you decide that it is wrong to feel angry and that you should be compassionate instead, it will not help you. You cannot substitute one feeling for another.

Advice 6. It is impossible to completely overcome the feeling of loneliness, but there are ways to reduce it. First of all, you need to take the risk of opening up to others. The best way to get what you need is to start doing it yourself. If you want to be loved, first offer your love to others. This is the risk of being misunderstood, abandoned. But by avoiding risk, you doom yourself to loneliness. If you take risks, you get the opportunity to change. It's not enough to try once. Make a promise to yourself that every day you will step out of your comfort zone a little.

When you choose to be yourself, you get a lot more opportunities.

Tip 7. There is a good group exercise that shows that self-criticism is always very subjective. Participants sit in a circle, the task is to free themselves, in whole or in part, from those qualities that they no longer want to possess. If someone likes the rejected qualities, he or she can appropriate them.

For example, one participant says that he wants to get rid of procrastination, and this quality does not have time to reach the center of the circle, while another already says that he would like to take it, because, on the contrary, he is hyperactive. Someone else says, “I want to get rid of guilt,” and immediately gets the answer: “I need some of your guilt. I feel too selfish."

The exercise demonstrates that our traits need to be studied. To what extent are they useful to us? How much do they interfere? Obviously, judging yourself and your shortcomings is not helpful. When you choose to be yourself, you have many more opportunities to improve your self-esteem.

Advice 8. An acute reaction to a minor event—for example, friends canceling a meeting at the last minute—is usually related to our past. Something similar has happened before - once or many times, usually in childhood.

The first thing you need to do is to be clear about when you start to overreact. How appropriate is your response to the circumstances? Is it worth it to react so sharply? If these questions make you feel defensive, then you are indeed overreacting to the situation.

The first step towards overcoming such reactions is to realize their essence and understand what caused them in the past. The next step is to consciously change habits. Ask yourself how attached you are to your usual plans. Can you go home another way? Or go to the store on Wednesday instead of Thursday as usual? Can you change plans without disorienting yourself? This is a chance to become more flexible. Flexibility in one area makes it possible to develop flexibility in other areas.

Advice 9. Analyze what kind of people are present in your life and what is the nature of your relationship with them. Do you receive from others as much as you give to them? To what extent are these people stronger or weaker than you? Perhaps if you objectively evaluate your surroundings, you will see that you are giving people more than you are receiving. Then you will have to change your social circle and maintain relationships only with those who are capable of symmetrical relationships.

Perhaps this is because you yourself do not allow others to do things for you. You consider yourself strong enough to take care of yourself, but allow others to participate in your life.

Pain, sadness or anger can only belong to the one who feels it

Tip 10. If you say to yourself day after day: “Why am I staying with this person? Why can't I give it all up?" - It is worth analyzing your relationships. People who do not deserve our loyalty are often very critical of us. They often criticize us. Be careful when you hear this - who is the person really talking about? Do his statements really apply to you, or is he projecting his own shortcomings onto you?

Pain, sadness or anger can only belong to the one who experiences it. These feelings should not become yours, you can only show empathy and compassion. You may have been dragged into an unhealthy relationship by playing on guilt. If you are easily manipulated based on this feeling, you begin to think that you owe something to someone else. “He was kind to me. He took care of me."

Feeling guilty or obligated for these reasons is wrong. You don't owe people anything for supporting you. You are self-worth. If you feel obligated to support them, you are admitting, "I'm worthless."

Advice 11. You will gain self-confidence if you can solve the tasks that you set for yourself. Tasks can be simple or complex, but you need to be sure that they are achievable.

Things don't always work out. If something worked out, it’s great and it didn’t happen by accident, you deserve your success. Reward yourself for completed tasks. Always remember the things that you are good at. Don't ignore them. Use them as a foundation to become a whole person. If you didn’t succeed, you need to get out of this situation and try something new. It shouldn't devastate you.

About the Expert

Janet Voititz (1939–1994) pioneered research into the problems of children and families of alcoholics in the 1980s. The impetus was her husband's alcoholism. Woititz found that children of alcoholics and children who grew up in single-parent families, as well as families where one or both parents suffered from addictions and phobias, as a rule, grow up with low self-esteem and experience great difficulties in communicating with other people. Her book, Adult Children of Alcoholics, became a bestseller and helped launch a movement that has grown worldwide.

Text: Kseniya Tatarnikova Photo Source: Getty Images

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A healthy person walks without stumbling, and if he accidentally stumbled, he quickly recovered. A mentally healthy person lives with high self-esteem, and if suddenly his self-esteem has fallen - this is an accident, he can quickly correct it. Someone was taught this by their parents, and I taught many at the University of Practical Psychology.

​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​For some people, self-esteem is always at the level, articles on how to raise self-esteem are not relevant for them. What are these people? They are distinguished from all the rest by only two circumstances: real life success and a bodily corset of success.

First: real life success. You live successfully, you live with dignity, you are valued at work, your friends respect you. Create and strengthen your life base (a cozy apartment, your favorite dacha and a car are very conducive to this), improve your skills, become a respected professional, live like a decent person, create a strong and happy family, make friends with worthy people . .. In general, it’s better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick, and freedom is better than lack of freedom.

Second: corset of success. The military and athletes rarely suffer from the problem of low self-esteem - why? Because they were given good posture, because they were taught to walk confidently, keep their heads straight and look forward, not in themselves. If you want to take care of yourself - master this skill, it is worth a lot.

However, there is another category of people whose self-esteem falls more often than all others, who can fall into self-abasement even against the background of real success in life and a completely athletic body.

She is told that she is doing a great job. She is told that she has a magnificent figure. But for some reason she doesn't trust anyone. Is the situation familiar? And how! And for sure it was observed on some friends and relatives ... or even in the mirror. And sometimes one hears “well, who will love me like this?”, “well, why did I take on this business, I’ll fill up the first project” . .. Low self-esteem, self-discipline and introspection are a typical female feature. And the funny thing is that most often it has no serious reason.

Do you have an idea what distinguishes those with low self-esteem from everyone else? Answer: the habit of acting helpless and falling into the state of the Victim. Sometimes this is a game that comes from childhood: when I portray to my mother that nothing works out for me, and I am so upset, my mother will always pity me - so sweet! The child plays out helplessness, his mother regrets him - they got an adult who is prone to suddenly fall into a syndrome of low self-esteem: "I'm not doing well, I'm nobody, I can't do anything." The female gender standard also encourages this: men like (supposedly) helpless women, they like to feel superior, and women adopt this behavior: “Oh, I can’t do without you ...” She gets the interested attention of men, but at the same time and a problematic appendage - the habit of feeling helpless.

A very difficult case - if the position of the Victim is superimposed precisely on low self-esteem, then the person begins to suffer seriously and already creates problems for others.

What to do here, seriously? Except in cases of obvious depression, psychotherapy is inappropriate here: there is nothing to treat here, here you need to put your brains in their place.

  • If you decide to do it yourself, see how to remove the position of the Victim and master the position of the Author. Read the Victim's Dictionary carefully and don't say that again. Remove excuses and master the exercise "Mistake!".
  • Start to rebuild yourself to be positive: speak well of others, learn to compliment and start saying them. This is really curious: when you speak well not about yourself, but about other people, about those around you, your self-esteem will rise! Next - master the exercise "Good", it will change your whole life for your whole life.
  • Start to watch your speech, do not talk badly about yourself even in jest. Say "Mistake, I'm good!" - fun, and "Oh, what a fool I am!" - just bad. Jokes are jokes, but if you constantly call yourself a piglet, sooner or later you will grunt!
  • If relevant, work with your insecurities, pump up your sense of confidence - this can be very helpful. Again, it is useful to work with the speech, remove the phrases "What if it doesn't work out?", "Well, it definitely won't work out ..." and other markers of future failure. By the way, working on your own is good, going to a good confidence training is even better. This tool is almost error-free and helps for a long time.

Film "Show program: My beautiful..."

If you do this, in a month your general condition will begin to improve clearly. It's really not difficult, and the results really come to everyone. Set such a task - you will get the result.

Nevertheless, be prepared: with the most correct internal attitude, sometime people experience situational failures. Almost any person from time to time, albeit not for long, gives up, a feeling of "nothing works out" is created, and this state hits self-esteem. This is situational, everything will get better soon, but how to fix it faster? What to do? If your colleague or loved one got into such a state, it is enough to distract him sometime, support him sometime, and even better, if possible, involve him in a new business or other situation where success is quite possible.

And if this happens to you, can you help yourself? Oh sure. Opportunities such as the use of signs of superiority and humiliation of others (boasting, ridiculing, blaming, criticizing) we will not recommend: at least in the long run, this will only bring you additional problems. In fact, there are many simple, reasonable and quite worthy ways to increase your self-esteem, we list only those that lie on the surface.

  • Maybe for you it is to do what you are great at: for example, quickly make a delicious breakfast, set the table beautifully, eat with pleasure, clear the table and wash the dishes and praise yourself. Everyone, wow!
  • An opportunity to do a good deed almost unmistakably changes the mood: call your parents, they will be pleased!
  • It is always a pleasure to talk with those who know and love you, who sincerely fulfill the role of the Golden Mirror, following the mood, self-esteem will also increase.
  • The traditional way is to remind yourself of your successes, this is greatly facilitated by the Notebook of successes. Have you got her already? If not, sit down and start writing. If you have already started it, open it and start reading it. After 5 minutes, your mood will magically change into a bright and contented side. You'll like it!
  • Write your strengths, your strengths, what characterizes you from the best side. You can start with "I'm very good at ..." (list ten points), then continue with your good character traits (five points are enough. If you write your bad traits, write them and immediately cross them out with pleasure!) And finish with your choice of good moments of your appearance (handsome figure? pleasant manners?).
  • Next. At the beginning of the 20th century, almost half of Europe repeated, like magic mantras, self-hypnosis formulas from the French pharmacist Emile Coue: "My affairs are getting better and better every day in every way!" - Great for boosting self-esteem! If you are too lazy to speak so long, say briefly: "I'm good!", This is also suitable for a start. Now do everything right: stand in front of the mirror, straighten your shoulders, smile and say the full formula out loud to yourself! Once again! And two more times! Then - continue to mutter these formulas already in a whisper or to yourself, doing any other things - but with the same contented and cheerful intonation. Check if these formulas still help centuries later!
  • And now, if you already feel strong, use the most powerful tool: start behaving cheerfully and confidently. Do it the way actors or actresses play their part, turn on the cheerfulness and keep it for at least five minutes to start. Most likely, you will enjoy it and continue this game with joy throughout the day.

If you do at least three points out of these seven, you will surely improve your mood. If you do and help - write about it below, in the comments! If not - write too, then we will understand.

In fact, there are a lot of ways to raise your self-esteem, if you wish. If you want to practice something else, still look for what will best help you, two whole articles will help you: "Mood Enhancers" and "7 Easy Ways: How to Quickly Raise Self-Esteem".

Or enroll in the University of Practical Psychology, where you can be guaranteed to work out several dozen of the most effective exercises.

Good luck to you! Joy!

  • Author N.I. Kozlov
  • +
  • Personality
  • Personality, society
  • psyche, health
  • How to increase self -esteem

Comments (54):

Guest, 03 October 2013, 18:19

Reduce to be a codes. who sits in the corner, awaken your confidence and show the world who you really are. November 27, 2013 Do only what you want to do in life.

Guest, May 23, 2014, 10:41 pm

I always tend to take action. UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, even when you don't feel like it at all.

Guest, July 04, 2014, 03:34 pm

Can you learn how to maintain self-esteem, not to perceive yourself painfully, not to reproach yourself if you have already behaved badly (or incorrectly) in a situation? (Let’s say he said hesitantly that you didn’t like it very much, or didn’t respond to the insult, but swallowed a crowbar) It is clear that, as an option, you need to change your behavior to a more confident one, and then the perception will change. There will be something to praise, respect and love yourself for. But what if you have already behaved differently than you like, and how much you praise yourself, don’t praise yourself, you won’t be able to accept yourself, because it won’t be true (And why should you respect yourself? Here’s the case. coward, only you are to blame, here is confirmation, please). Is it possible to somehow maintain self-esteem after this situation (not to mention increase it), to remain at zero, as they say, minimizing internal feelings and self-flagellation? For many people (mostly healthy, energetic and active choleric or sanguine people), in order to change their perception, it is enough to answer the questions: What is good about it? (it was in me and in the situation) What can I learn from this? What correct conclusions should I draw from this, and begin to act in accordance with them, so that such cases do not happen again? How can I use this to my advantage? What should be done right now to resolve the situation? Okay, those are all positives. But for melancholic people with asthenic features, I'm afraid the answers to these questions will not be enough to get rid of the negativity. Feelings of painful perception will not decrease. Checked. What to do in this particular case? Tell me please.



N. I. Kozlov, July 05, 2014, 20:14

Look at the article "Self-eating: disembodied self-remorse", the article itself and links related to this topic will be useful.

Guest, 05 September 2014, 04:12

Thank you, it was interesting and informative!!!

Guest, September 13, 2014, 13:01

Wonderful article! Confidence and mood were added a few degrees after writing the first 17 points in the "Notebook of Success"!

Guest, September 26, 2014 at 09:32

Thank you very much!!! There are moments in life when you need to read this article in order to confidently move on.

Guest, October 24, 2014, 3:03 PM

Something clicked in me and I got it! THX!

Guest, November 08, 2014, 4:19 PM

Very good advice. Helped. Thank you. I'm happy!

Guest, December 06, 2014, 2:15 pm

Wonderful article. Thank you!

Guest, December 08, 2014, 00:41

Didn't help me...

Guest, December 15, 2014, 10:20 PM


Guest, December 24, 2014, 11:27 PM

Those who hide behind the word "mistake" must be abandoned forever. .. There is nothing to work out mistakes on someone.

Guest, December 30, 2014, 08:33

Everything is fine with my self-esteem - I like myself the way I am. But my husband acts on me in such a way that I believe next to him that I can do nothing. Very often criticizes and constantly compares with others. I explained it to him many times - he does not understand. And I want to say this, no matter how strong self-confidence is, but if those who are nearby do not believe in you, how then to cope?



Guest, August 19, 2017, 10:36 AM

Then you need to stay away from such people.

Guest, October 25, 2017, 9:34 pm

I also have the same husband, he says - I don’t get along with anyone anywhere, I can’t work anywhere, I don’t know how to cook, greedy, terrible (but who needs me like that ), in general, he got the worst of the worst. Although I really liked my appearance before marriage, I had a lot of friends, a permanent prestigious job in a bank, a red diploma in my hands and ambitions through the roof. And now, after 10 years of family life together, I'm sitting unemployed, willing to work even as a maid or nurse, reading articles to increase self-esteem. Of course, it’s wrong to blame everything on my husband, but after his moralizing, I really begin to believe his words and take it upon myself. What to do???



Guest, December 24, 2019, 09:15 AM

Send it irrevocably. And go catch up with your confidence and ambition. You weren't picked up from a dump, and you don't have to be a servant.

Guest, Jan 07, 2015 07:47 AM

Works very well for a while. Then I read your advice again and get into the habit of being self-confident. Thank you!

Sexy, March 10, 2015 11:42 PM

I'll try

Guest, April 2, 2015 8:41 pm

I understand you very well! I, too, have always been quite self-confident, I was sure that I was beautiful and smart, and when I got married, everything changed. He began to say what to wear, saying that cosmetics do not suit me, repeating that I have the wrong shape of the nose, chin, small eyes, big ears, too thin figure, and the brain is completely absent ... Of course, after 6 years with him, I am in I believed it, stopped wearing makeup, so to speak, he managed to convince me that I was not beautiful and I fell into depression. But I didn’t agree with the fact that I don’t have a brain, and I don’t think I would ever put up with it. As a result, I went to work (although he did not want to let me go) to a mobile phone salon, after a couple of months they began to single me out of all the employees, in a year I reached the position of deputy director, and no one can tell me that I'm stupid. Now even my husband has changed his point of view)) It was my step to raise my self-esteem)) And the chocolates that customers bring for good service proved that everything is fine with my appearance. So do not listen to your husband, he is probably just afraid of losing you, that's why he says so!

Maxim, 06 May 2015, 08:07

Hello! I'm 24, I work in a fairly successful company, I have a car, I communicate confidently with girls, and in general with practically any people . .. but sometimes I get depressed or something, total self-doubt. I am too dependent on someone else's opinion, even if it is the opinion of a completely stranger, besides, I am completely different with everyone, all people are different, it has become a habit for me to communicate with people in their language, and sometimes I am afraid of losing myself, I think the majority my problems stretch from childhood, I grew up without a father, and my mother raised me as a home boy, don’t go there, don’t communicate with that, and as a result I grew up as a sneak, by and large with a complete lack of independence, although over time my self acquired features , and I still escaped from the shackles of my mother's love, but it happened only at the age of 17, taking into account the presence of strong people, problem situations that were solved by me, some achievements in life. All this comes and goes, but this atmosphere of oppression from the side of my childhood peers, in which I lived, still does not leave me. Or is it something else. I can’t understand myself, I need your help, and I apologize for the information presented in a crowd, I wanted to briefly and about everything.



Guest, April 30, 2017, 13:42

Most likely the reason is your inherent guilt, lack of developed self-support skills and the ability to defend yourself because of the fear of confronting others. Anger, a completely appropriate feeling when events turn out differently than we would like. Anger gives you the energy to take responsibility and change the situation. A person with fears tends to stop this energy and direct it inward, which leads to a depressed state and starts the process of self-destruction. Guilt, shame and similar fears are markers of the state of the Victim, with its characteristic dependent patterns (self-doubt, fear of losing yourself vs the supersignificance of someone else's opinion) In my opinion, you have perfectly oriented yourself in what is happening to you and what is the reason for your difficulties. I am glad that you are looking for a way out of the situation. You have great potential, but how do you evaluate it yourself? In general, it makes sense to work with a specialist on the topic of self-esteem and personal boundaries. Good luck!

Julia, May 14, 2015, 10:07 am

My mood lifted, I looked in the mirror with pleasure, and not with criticism, as usual. A cheerful, cheerful person looks much more pleasant than a sad and dull one. Thanks to the author.

Anya, June 21, 2015, 01:45 AM

How can you survive the superiority of others if your self-esteem drops precisely because someone is better than you?



Guest, February 08, 2019, 05:10 PM

How to survive when others are better than you? Stop comparing yourself to others. Write down your strengths and weaknesses. After that, think about what qualities of character you want to get rid of, and which ones you can transform into your virtues? Compare yourself now with yourself from the past. Have you gotten better? How do you want to see yourself in the future? In a year, two, three, look back at your “past” again and analyze where you grew up and what you still need to work on

N.I. Kozlov, June 22, 2015, 06:11 AM

If you do not know how to be happy for others and do not seem to be cooperative, then you need to worry not about situational self-esteem, but about long-term life prospects. Anya, it is impossible to build a beautiful and happy life with such values ​​and with such an attitude towards people. Maybe you should improve your attitude towards people? Learn the thinking of those who know how to rejoice for others!

Ekaterina, July 09, 2015, 5:28 pm

Thank you for your comment, my husband and I have the same problem. He never praises, often criticizes, looks reproachfully, tries in every possible way to lower my self-esteem to zero and instill a sense of guilt. I think he simply asserts himself at my expense, because of his own self-doubt (although outwardly, on the contrary, he is often assertive, he knows how to speak and convince, defend a point of view). I began to understand this when my sons grew up and he, apparently starting to perceive them subconsciously as rivals, began to behave with them practically in the same way - to press, reproach, very rarely praise, and even then with some kind of irony, constantly trying to create a situation like "you are all you're worth nothing, you're doing everything wrong" and stuff like that. And when he finally achieves that the children, and I, too, begin to feel depressed, then a miracle happens to my husband, he suddenly becomes kind, calms down, now you can communicate with him normally. Being in the position of "defeated". I would be very grateful if you comment on my situation and possibly advise how to maintain a high and adequate self-esteem while living with such a person.

Daria, July 23, 2015, 4:10 pm

And knowing the techniques of assertive behavior helps me raise my self-esteem. This is when you calmly defend your point of view. A classic example is the dialogue between Professor Preobrazhensky and a newspaper merchant:  . ..I suggest you take a few magazines for the benefit of the children of Germany.  A fifty-kopeck piece.  No, I won't.  But why do you refuse?  I don't want to.  You don't sympathize with the children of Germany?  I sympathize.  Is it a pity for fifty dollars?  No.  So why not?  I don't want to.

Fedor, August 12, 2015, 8:43 pm

"Low self-esteem, self-criticism and self-digging are a typical female feature" - lovely, now I'm much ... worse.



N.I. Kozlov, August 12, 2015, 9:31 pm

Fedor, is this a complaint or an accusation? Is someone else to blame for your problems? Fedor, playing the unfortunate Victim is the last thing.

regards to you Marina L., August 17, 2015, 11:16 am

Excellent advice - while reading I already felt like a person and warmth flowed through my body ... and I warmed up, a smile appeared on my face. Thanks a lot. God bless you for your vital advice!

Zarrina, October 19, 2015, 06:15 AM

Great article, thanks a lot for the advice!

Akila, October 23, 2015, 8:57 pm

Thank you psychologist! Helped me a lot. Everything is very accessible and understandable.

Luchik, December 15, 2015, 00:14 AM

After your article, the wings seem to have grown. I want to go forward with confident steps with my head held high!

Guest V, January 04, 2016, 10:30 pm

Good evening! I want to say thank you for the article, I will really hope that it will help. And now, briefly about me, I am a girl with terribly low self-esteem, who simply reproaches everyone for being a nonentity! I am married, and instead of living in peace and happiness, I make my husband, who is trying to do everything for me and our family, simply destroy. Every time I tell him hurtful and unpleasant words that hurt him very painfully, but I realize this when it gets late, he says every time that he forgives me, but I understand that all this accumulates in his heart. I don't know what to do, it all happens spontaneously. Roughly speaking, I blame everything in the world for my sins. I wasn't like that before. In general, I will hope for a miracle and try to work on myself more.

Julia, January 25, 2016, 1:39 pm

Thank you, good article! I have been studying this topic for more than a day, near the sea of ​​\u200b\u200bcomplexes.

Guest, April 26, 2016, 08:05

There is nothing to be proud of in childhood, youth, I can't remember a single moment. What to do? And now no success.

Guest, August 25, 2016, 11:27 pm

Hello, my name is Lena, I'm 23 years old. I have a lot of problems: 1. Lack of self-esteem. I work in a Sangi Style store, where I need to communicate with people, and this bothers me, I seem to be embarrassed to talk to them, but stepping over myself, I start a conversation. Yes, and so in life it bothers me, shy (although on the one hand this is good), constrained. 2. Permanent depression. Often I am loaded on all sorts of trifles, if there are any problems at work or at home, I had a fight with someone, then I go for a long time to load. I have a husband, we are already together for 6 years, even though he is a dear person to me, and instead of girlfriends, since I don’t have them, and still at some points I can’t speak out, although we talk heart to heart and still don’t tell everything what has accumulated, and so you want. It happens so hard, it prevents me from working, often there is no mood, it happens like accumulate, I explode, I quarrel with everyone, in the middle of the night I think about everything and sit crying, talking to myself. 3. Low self-esteem. Help me please.

Guest, October 28, 2016, 00:48

"Start to rebuild yourself in a positive way: speak well of others, learn to compliment and start giving them. It's really curious: when you start talking well not about yourself, but about other people, about those around you, your self-esteem will rise!" - It doesn't help me!

Guest, January 27, 2017, 4:05 pm

What to do if you repeat phrases, walk constantly with a straight back - but still periodically slide into an internal hysteria? Unresolved issues keep popping up and panic sets in. ..



N.I. Kozlov, January 27, 2017 6:16 pm

Try Distance!

Guest, May 12, 2017, 10:31 AM

Do not exaggerate your shortcomings, otherwise others will quickly feel it.

Guest, July 03, 2017, 13:40

Thank you, Nikolay Ivanovich.

Guest, July 26, 2017, 07:41 AM

Thank you! And what to do if I have driven myself into a severe depression, I am drowning in problems, in fears. Everything that I start to collect bit by bit literally crumbles, as if cursed. Came to the site for a keyword. Article to the point. I just can't find what I'm doing well. I'm best at doing nothing, because at least no one suffers from it. Former unsuccessful leader (42).

Guest, January 18, 2018 1:28 PM

Good article, but when you're in trouble all your life, it's very hard to get out. My mother is an excellent critic, she criticized me all my life, I never did anything well, and all the good things that happened in my life I entered one institute, then another, I don’t drink, I don’t smoke - this is all solely her merit, without her I am "shit". From childhood, I fought back as best I could, to my disagreements that I was so bad in everything, they told me "You have mental problems, you cannot be critical of yourself", then from the age of 16 to 25, I met boys who also very much raised my self-esteem with their sympathy. "It means that I'm not very bad if you like me," I thought. Then I got married, my husband loved me very much, it inspired me, and for the last 2 years my feelings have cooled down, I’ve been married for 5 years already, I don’t hear any more enthusiasm or compliments from my husband, I have 2 higher educations, but for almost a year I can’t to find a job, my mother does not forget to remind me how terrible I am and as soon as the earth wears me like that, and I really see that this is so, what a nonentity you need to be so that with two educations and a bunch of courses you can’t find a job. And after reading about 10 points that I can do very well, I generally burst into tears. I really can’t do anything perfectly, absolutely nothing, no matter what I do, everything turns out somehow . .. To be honest, it’s a very difficult condition, I can’t cope with it myself anymore and I don’t want to live in such a state ...



Kozlov Nikolai Ivanovich, January 19, 2018, 07:22 pm

If you need a consultation, go to the page "Need a consultation with a psychologist? We will help you." March 11, 2019

Guest, January 15, 2019, 04:58

It says here that you need to tell people compliments and all sorts of good things, they say your self-esteem will increase, but my friends (if you can call them that) in every possible way insult me ​​even for no reason, And I can't protect them from myself. I am subjected to all sorts of mockery and sometimes even sexual harassment in its own way (climb under the skirt, etc.). I'm still in school and I think that my uncertainty will last for a long time!



Guest Feb 08, 2019 6:00 PM

My comment will be partly directed to my past when I was 13-17 years old when I was an insecure teenager and felt the same way and you now. Now I am 37, I am still working on myself, but I remember feeling helpless and insecure. It’s bad without friends, but even in destructive relationships there is no place for trust and positive relationships (when through the negative words and actions of friends towards you you feel only humiliation.) Probably minimize communication with such people and try to find an interesting hobby. Sports, dancing, movement in general will allow you to feel positive energy. Now, in the age of the Internet, and thanks to the information available, you can learn foreign languages, study psychology, learn to draw, do yoga, in general, a lot of things. And everything is available at home and for free. And if possible, go to the sections, meet people with similar interests. Imagine what you want to be in a year, two, three, write down the character traits that you plan to develop in yourself and work on yourself. Self-confidence comes through work on oneself, everything is developed.

Guest, November 10, 2019, 10:39 PM

I really liked it. But I live very far away, in Odessa, maybe there are options ?!



Sokolova L.V., secretary N.I. Kozlova, November 12, 2019, 09:32

Now almost all classes are held online, so we invite you to the Distance. You can choose any leader and start practicing as soon as possible.

Guest, February 19, 2020, 2:32 pm

Hello, I was thinking of finding the right answer to my mental problem here, but either I can't figure out how to do it, or I'm afraid. Living with a man for 3 years, I live with him and with my son, my relatives do not support or help me, so I have a feeling that no one needs me, I want to go to rented housing, but I'm afraid I can't live without this man. He is rude, but he provides for me and my son, but happiness is not in money, after all. His wife lives in another city, there is also a child from another woman, and I am constantly jealous of him and afraid that he will kick me out and return to his last pasiya who has a child from him. Tell me how to be?



Sokolova L.V., secretary N.I. Kozlova, February 20, 2020, 2:13 pm

Guest, there are currently no free consultations on the Psychologos portal. But there are shareware: if you join the DISTANT-NIK Club (1000 rubles per month, you can unsubscribe at any time), then you will have the opportunity to ask for a consultation within it. Website

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