Ultimatums in relationships
Ultimatums Signal Desperation, Dissolve Trust, Therapist Says
- Ultimatums happen when a partner threatens to end the relationship, or issues another consequence, if the other doesn't change a certain behavior or attitude.
- A person may feel desperate after having boundaries crossed or needs unmet, so they give the ultimatum, a psychologist said.
- Ultimatums are unhealthy for relationships overall, but may offer clarity on what to look for in the future.
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Netflix's new reality show "The Ultimatum" illustrates what can happen when someone uses all-or-nothing demands to get their way in a relationship.
Season 1, which ended in April, followed six couples, each comprised of a partner who wanted marriage and a partner who was unsure. After presenting their ultimatums, the couples split up to date other people's partners for "trial marriages."
Throughout the season, arguments over trust and loyalty ignited as partners considered their counterparts' deal breakers while dating other contestants.
Ultimatums were a requirement for participants in the reality show, but in real life they can make a partner feel threatened and distrustful of the ultimatum giver, or like their needs are being devalued, Beth Pausic, a psychologist and Director of Behavioral Health at Hims & Hers, told Insider.
"An ultimatum is not only a method of trying to get what someone wants from a partner, but also shows that they want to maintain their relationship. In very simple terms, if you aren't getting a need or want met by your partner, you can break up," Pausic told Insider.
Ultimatums suggest a partner wants the relationship to work, but in a different way then it currently is. Still, ultimatums aren't usually productive or healthy, said Pausic.
When someone gives an ultimatum, it's a sign they feel desperate
Partners typically present ultimatums when they feel a sense of desperation in their relationships, Pausic said.
This approach can damage a relationship because it leaves the person given the ultimatum limited options. In turn, they may feel resentful or grow to distrust the ultimatum giver, according to Pausic.
If, for example, one partner really wants children in the next two years, but their partner wants to wait, they could have lots of conversations on the topic, but always reach an impasse. The person who wants a child soon might resort to an ultimatum when they feel there's no other way to get what they want, said Pausic.
Ultimatums typically occur around values-based topics, like family-planning, living arrangements, and marriage. Since people are less likely to budge on their values, an ultimatum can have major consequences, according to Pausic.
She said lower-stakes ultimatums, where a partner asks for a behavior change and the consequence doesn't involve ending the relationship, could work for some couples. Ultimately, ultimatums can help partners identify their relationship deal breakers and avoid them in the future.
"If the ultimatum is reasonable and something that you really want in your relationship and your partner can't provide that, then it gives you the opportunity to find someone who is more aligned with your values and life goals," Pausic said.
Instead of giving an ultimatum, come to terms with incompatibilities and set boundaries
Though giving an ultimatum may seem like the most straightforward way to assert what you want, it's healthier to focus on your own behaviors and how you communicate with your partner, said Pausic.
She suggested having honest, clear, and consistent talks with your partner about your relationship expectations.
"You need to be honest with yourself and them about how much of a priority the need or want is for you and whether it means the relationship can't move forward if it isn't met," Pausic said.
She also said setting boundaries, or self-limits to protect your mental, physical, and emotional wellbeing, is a healthier and more empowering alternative to an ultimatum.
That means following through on leaving a relationship when a partner can't meet your needs or align with your values, despite efforts to get there, she said.
Ultimatums in Relationships: Causes and Consequences
Ultimatums can have big effects on your relationship. Here’s how they can happen — and what to do if you get one.
When you’re in a relationship, you may find yourself having the same disagreement or argument over and over again. And those arguments may escalate so much that you reach a boiling point where you think, “I can’t take it anymore.”
Sometimes these escalations build up over time regarding relatively minor things — the perpetually unwashed dishes in the sink, repeatedly running late — and sometimes they’re over bigger issues, such as infidelity.
But if you’ve gotten so upset over something that you’ve said, “That’s it! If you don’t do this, I’ll leave you,” you’ve issued an ultimatum — which can have some profound effects on your relationship.
An ultimatum is essentially a threat you make when you tell someone that if they don’t undertake a specific action, they’ll face a consequence.
To be clear, this is not the same thing as stating your boundaries.
“When you state your boundaries, you’re setting standards in order for the relationship to succeed,” explains Josiah Teng, a New York City–based therapist. “When you give an ultimatum, you’re effectively saying that those standards have been violated and something needs to change.”
Boundary setting can be important in relationships; you’re telling your partner what your needs and limitations are so you can both get along better and have clear expectations for the relationship. And you can communicate these boundaries without threatening to retaliate or do something in return.
“The difference between an ultimatum and a boundary is similar to the difference between having someone force you to choose by gunpoint and someone asking you to follow a law,” says Michela Dalsing, a licensed mental health counselor.
Ultimatums don’t come out of thin air.
“Most of the time when individuals are getting to the point of creating an ultimatum, it’s because they feel like they’ve expressed a need, want, or boundary repeatedly and their partner doesn’t respect it,” explains Dalsing.
In other words, ultimatums often come from desperation.
“People often give ultimatums as a last resort when there is an identified ‘deal breaker’ in the relationship that they feel trapped by,” explains Teng. “It could be a chronic habit, like drinking, or one-time event, like cheating.”
“The ultimatum is a way for them to exert control over something they feel they have no control over — namely, another’s behavior or traits,” he continues.
Examples of ultimatums in relationships
Ultimatums can arise for several reasons, but most often they “bubble up when one partner is involved in underground or high risk behaviors, or when the relationship is not fulfilling a core value or core belief of a partner in the relationship,” says Marhya Kelsch, a licensed social worker and owner of Middleway Psychotherapy.
For example, ultimatums could be given over disagreements regarding:
- lack of affection or sexual intimacy
- alcohol use
- substance use
- desire for children
- desire for marriage
- verbal abuse
- physical abuse
- financial disagreements
“A healthy way to think about ultimatums is that they are the communication of a ‘last chance’ to one’s partner before it’s too late,” says Adam Haynes-LaMotte, a licensed clinical psychologist in Washington. “An ultimatum, as its namesake implies, is meant only as a final effort to communicate your needs to your partner.”
For example, if your partner is dealing with an untreated substance use disorder that’s negatively affecting your relationship and your mental or physical health, it might be appropriate to tell them you need them to seek treatment if you’re going to stay in a relationship with them.
However, ultimatums can become unhealthy very quickly — which is why most therapists and marriage counselors advise against them.
“Ultimatums can be unhealthy if they are used frequently in a relationship to control the bounds of a partner’s behavior,” says Haynes-LaMotte. “This can drastically undermine a partner’s feeling of safety and security in a relationship, which leads to an unhealthy dynamic.”
For example, explains Dalsing, ultimatums “can frequently be used as a form of emotional manipulation by those with narcissistic tendencies.”
“The common ‘if you loved me, you would do this for me’ makes people feel like they have no choice. It can create a toxic, isolating environment really quickly [because] it can reduce the sense of autonomy someone feels in their own decision making, which can result in them feeling controlled by their partner,” Dalsing says.
Ultimatums also tend not to be the best way to bring about meaningful change in a relationship, simply because they often come from desperation.
“Extreme by nature, ultimatums are indicative of relational burnout,” says Teng. “They are made when all other attempts to mitigate or resolve the issue have been exhausted. With no room for compromise, it becomes an all-or-nothing situation that only further reduces the relationship’s survival chances.”
Sometimes, it’s too difficult to repair a relationship once that point is reached.
“Once an ultimatum has been thrown out in the midst of fights [or] arguments, it is very hard to ‘take it back,’” says Sharon Gilchrest O’Neill, licensed marriage and family therapist and author of “A Short Guide to a Happy Marriage.”
It can be important to remember that if you get an ultimatum from your partner, it’s tantamount to a “penalty call.”
“Someone feels as if their standard is being violated, and it’s that fundamental betrayal that is driving the hurt behind the ultimatum,” explains Teng.
As a result, the first step when you receive an ultimatum is to take a step back and try to figure out where it is coming from.
“Recognizing it, where it comes from, and why it’s a rule, to begin with, opens the door for your relational rules to be explored from an individual need level,” says Teng.
From there, it might be time for you to do some thinking about the relationship, what it means to you, and whether you want to stay in it.
Consider reflecting on their demand and whether it is realistic, attainable, and reasonable.
Is this ultimatum coming from a place of concern for you and your health, as might be the case with substance use disorder, for example? What will change in your relationship if you follow their ultimatum?
Dalsing says that if a client came to her after receiving an ultimatum, she’d ask them to consider their relationship history and previous communication patterns that may have been unhealthy and led to the ultimatum.
“If the ultimatum is requesting they disrespect themselves, their wants, their needs, their boundaries, or their values, I would ask them to deeply consider if this is the right relationship for them,” she says.
“If they determined they wanted to preserve the relationship, I would work with them in enhancing validating communication and ways that they can ensure they understand their partner’s boundaries in the future,” Dalsing says.
If ultimatums have become commonplace in your relationship — or if you feel like you’ve been given an unfair ultimatum but want to preserve the relationship — it can help to seek advice from a couples therapist.
A relationship expert can act as a mediator and help you both state your boundaries more healthily and work toward a compromise that works for both of you.
If you need help finding one, you can check out Psych Central’s Find a Therapist resource page.
About an ultimatum in a relationship - Rumyantseva Tatyana (Veniaminovna). Psychologist
When is an ultimatum appropriate in a relationship?
And is an ultimatum appropriate in a relationship in general?
Many believe that no ultimatums should be given, because this is a rough approach from above.
Sometimes, on the contrary, an ultimatum is a way to protect yourself from a rough approach from above.
An ultimatum is always a last resort. The next measure after the ultimatum is a break in relations.
But given the fact that relationships quite often have to be broken off, people often quarrel and talk about parting, parting, getting together, and sometimes parting forever, there is nothing incredible in an ultimatum either.
Do you remember that "to build relationships" is to build such boundaries in which it would be quite comfortable and interesting for both to live with each other?
Those who are afraid of ultimatums most often do not disdain rolling pins. Moreover, for any reason (whereas an ultimatum can be only for the most extreme reason).
Rolling pins are accusations, swearing, harsh criticism, insults. Rolling pins are bad because they touch many other places during disassembly. The disassembly is not only offensive and injuring, but also not constructive.
You have heard or said this many times. “Why didn’t you call? Your work is much more important than me, I understand. Although they don’t put you in anything there, they use you, and you can’t even object. husband, I have to lie. I could at least call so that I don’t freak out after plowing at work like a damn "
In this impassioned monologue, the gist of the claims is not clear and one gets the feeling that a woman is dissatisfied with absolutely everything in her life, even with things that are not directly dependent on her husband, for example, her mother's control and her damned job. She seems to be scolding him for not calling, but along the way she makes him understand that no one respects him at work and that he is a rogue in general. Nothing useful can be learned from such a beating with a rolling pin. Too chaotically and unfairly poured blows on the head. There is a desire to defend with exactly the same rolling pin or ax, since it is difficult to hobble under a hail of such attacks. In the event that a man fights off with a smaller rolling pin or hoses, a woman may soon feel that she has gotten excited. She will see that she described the situation in such black colors that only a divorce can be a logical conclusion, but she is not going to get divorced (otherwise she would not have yelled, but would have gone and got divorced). And she will begin to suck up to her husband, which will confirm him in the belief that her rolling pins are a tantrum from scratch, which you just need to survive like rain, putting on headphones.
There are two types of constructive requests for the revision of territories (rights-duties) in a relationship:
1) a request with arguments (appropriate when the other person might not be aware that this is important to you),
2) a demand with an ultimatum ( appropriate when the second already knows that this is important to you, but does not understand how much).
It is very important to formulate the request clearly and clearly, without shifting the focus to other requests and without confusing the essence of the request with unnecessary emotions.
No demand can be made where a request is sufficient. If the person really doesn't know what you want, they may be offended by the demanding tone. He was ready to consider your comfort, no need to address him as an enemy. You can ask very gently.
It is very important not to phrase the request in a demanding tone. They will definitely refuse you if they know that you are not ready for any sanctions. They will refuse simply because to protect their borders from your visits from above, and they will do the right thing. Be prepared to stand by your words.
In most cases it is appropriate to start with a soft request. But not always! In a situation where the partner's action is offensive, you can not ask, but demand to stop doing it, so as not to imitate loyalty.
You can demand only as a last resort, but it’s better to ask for a minimum (if we are talking about requests, and not about what the person himself wants to do for you). However, you should not ask for less than the minimum you need. Remember, no one is obliged to patronize and take care of you, you are obliged to take care of yourself.
If you sacrifice your comfort and especially your self-respect for the sake of intimacy with a person, you run the risk of flying into imbalance or default. Yielding territory, you will be forced to either increase the importance of the person (and your minus will grow) or you will begin to get annoyed (and your plus will grow). By keeping your boundaries, you have a chance to build much more beautiful relationships. A perfect sense of boundaries allows you to protect them without conflict, but the worse your boundaries (understanding your rights), the more conflicts arise when you want to protect yourself.
Constant tongs and rolling pins mean that you are constantly torn between the desire to yield and attack, you never know exactly what you are entitled to and try to figure it out for yourself during the showdown.
Any emotional disassembly is a probing, or rather, a tapping of boundaries. You don’t understand how determined the person is, you try to put more pressure on him, and suddenly he will give in, but you don’t understand anything about yourself either, you are not sure that you are not ready to give in. Push you harder and you get scared and ask for forgiveness. Therefore, any disassembly turns into a bazaar abuse, in half with excuses and whining. After such a mess of boundaries, sometimes there is fatigue and an agreement to accept anything, just to give them a rest. And for new, still in love couples, sometimes after a showdown, libido rises. Libido in this case serves as a utilizer of aggression and fear, restores intimacy and relieves stress. But for a long time and too often, the libido will not come to the rescue. Moreover, it serves as a positive reinforcement of the quarrel in this case. They quarreled, made up and had passionate sex, the psyche agreed that a quarrel is not bad. A quarrel and the truth is sometimes better than suppressing resentment and suppressing questions, but it will not work to endlessly utilize aggression and fear after quarrels with the help of libido. The quarrel will gradually become a negative reinforcement for the libido and sex will become associated with abuse, there may be a tendency towards sadomasochism in sex or frustration to avoid it.
Therefore, it is very important not to feel the boundaries with rolling pins and tongs, but to determine your own boundaries. Most often, well-drawn boundaries are not attacked, but if your boundaries are poorly drawn, your partner may step on your territory, on the zone of those rights on which your self-respect is built. In this case, you can voice a request to him, and if he does not heed, a demand, but having voiced the demand, do not give in.
It has recently been suggested in the comments that not giving in if conditions are not met is a hard line. No, these are normal borders, normal. Setting conditions and then giving in are bad boundaries or their absence. Why do you put a condition if you are ready to give in? For a bluff? Suddenly ride? By yielding just once after your "ultimatum" you devalue all your future demands. And after a couple of such concessions, all your new demands will be ignored in advance. You will be treated as an overly emotional person who threatens in their hearts but never delivers. So you will not have any boundaries in the relationship. Your walls will be demolished like cardboard, stepping over you and not noticing that you are there again muttering under your breath.
Many people are convinced that their very bad boundaries should be guarded by others. But others are busy with their own boundaries, they cannot build yours for you. If you offer a person your money, your housing, he can still guess that you can’t use other people’s property and refuse. The majority will not encroach on the safety of your health either. But if you complain to a person about life, he may not realize that in fact you decided to just use him as a drain of negativity, and you don’t need his advice. I would have guessed, asked me to leave him behind, and so he begins to give advice from above, sometimes quite harsh. You get angry and tell him that he himself is a loser and that his life is even worse. And the person is puzzled why you responded with hatred to his desire to help you. He breaks off relations with you, and you remain with the conviction that everyone around is trying to subdue you, but they do not want to communicate on an equal footing. Nobody wants to subdue you. It's just that you have such holes in the borders that people take them for open doors in front of them.
In close relationships it is even more difficult to understand where a person has a hole and where is a door. Here are a couple of situations from the latest published letters.
The couple's relationship deteriorated, the woman accuses the man of infidelity, but in response he offers her to have children, she very willingly agrees. The man begins to change more openly. He was convinced that despite the dissatisfaction, the relationship suits her in general and she is ready to contact him even more firmly. So you can continue to live as it is convenient for him. A woman expects him to think about her convenience, and not about his own. But with the same success, a man can expect from a woman that she will put his comfort above her own. Do not demand that others give you their territory, put a border where you do not want to give in, and say: I need it this way or nothing. That's when the person will see what really doesn't suit you, and not just you bluff and agree to everything.
Or that. A man is talking to an ex-girlfriend. The new girl is unhappy and demands confirmation that he does not love the former. The man willingly confirms with words. The new girl is still crying. He does not understand why she is crying, because she asked to give the floor, he gave her the floor. What is the problem? She never demanded to stop communication, because she was not sure that he would agree. He hoped that she would somehow adjust. Therefore, she asks to keep her informed of their contacts. But he reacts to every contact so painfully that it is more convenient for a man to hide. It is his right to protect himself from brainwashing. He also hopes that she will adapt, he sees that she is trying. She is constantly trying to push her border and give in, he expects it to be so. Who should take care of her more than herself? It is much more pleasant for him to keep both the former and the new, he will not refuse such an opportunity just like that. Her significance is not so high that he was afraid to deliver negative emotions to her, as she wants.
Those who expect that their borders will be protected see the other side as very dependent on themselves, but a person who does not know how to protect his borders will always be more dependent on himself. That is, it turns out: if you know how to defend yourself, they will take care of you, and if you need someone else's guardianship, on the contrary, they will walk around your territory.
How do you know which rights you need?
Only a person with very bad boundaries would ask such a question. People with normal boundaries know exactly what they want. People with bad boundaries want one thing, then another, sometimes more, sometimes less, and sometimes they don’t understand what they want at all, and this terrifies them. They hope that the second one will somehow put them in their place and this place of theirs will be convenient for both of them. This is the path to imbalance. You must realize your own responsibility for building relationships and for guarding your borders.
You need all those rights that allow you to feel your equal importance in relationships, not to experience burning jealousy, strong distrust, fear and feelings of inferiority.
But the ONLY way to defend your rights is to be willing to deprive a person of your intimacy.
Do not pierce his brain with a perforator, do not saw through his liver with a saw, but deprive him of your intimacy.
All. Not threats to disgrace, not blackmail to do something to yourself, not beatings, not taking out the brain, nothing works to restore balance to the couple. Only "closer-farther" + increase in OZ (this is behaviorism, negative and positive reinforcement, not a pickup truck, if someone suddenly doesn't know).
It is clear that if your closeness is very dear to your partner, then your offended silence will be a terrible sanction for him, and if you are already sitting in the guts (especially if you willingly use perforators, saws and other torture instruments), then the documents collected for divorce , he will not be upset. And maybe even happy.
But it sounds very wild when people argue with the indifference of the other side that everything has to be endured. Say, yes, he does not care that I will leave, so I will stay. If the other side is so indifferent to you, nothing can be tolerated. Moreover, it is impossible. Should have left a hundred years ago. But at least crawl away now.
Just in case the other side is not indifferent, if they want to keep the relationship, you can endure a lot of things, but in this case, of course, you won't have to endure much. Little things are somehow insignificant, which are important for the comfort of the other side, but are unprincipled for you. But if you feel that the other passes it off as a trifle, and it hurts and is very difficult for you (appreciate this without a crown), start not with tears and ultimatums, but with a calm discussion. Say what exactly you do not like, but be sure (!) to formulate what exactly needs to be changed, do not expect the other side to figure out how to save you from your pain. She will simply press you to her chest and caress you. But the problem will remain. Therefore, say: I want you to stop communicating with your ex, or I want you to stop going to porn chats. And do not listen to the arguments why this is a mere trifle. Agree that for him a trifle, but not for you. And remember, you are not a hysteric, not crazy and not a silly woman who does not know what she is doing (not a moron, not a psycho, not a notorious jealous person, you are adequate). You are aware that this is very important. If you don't trust yourself, the other party won't believe you either.
In the event that it was a bad habit for the other party, she can give up this habit, realizing that this is important to you, and you are important to him. If for a partner this is something more important than your comfort, he will refuse you or agree in words and will secretly continue to do it his own way. Alas. You have only one way out. Realize your low importance and try to raise it. Just don't try to raise the profile with a pose of a rug or a comfortable table for a beer mug. The way to raise low significance in a relationship is distance + EP increase, that is, distance and resource pumping. The distance can be soft (without a break, with reference to circumstances) and can be hard (ultimatum and peak), here you choose what is best for you and what strength is enough for. A pike is much better if you were really offended, a soft distance is better if there seems to be nothing to be offended by, but you still can’t endure it. Both methods often lead to a rise in your importance and the person himself offers to fulfill your condition, which he did not want to fulfill. Often, but not always, sometimes the person chooses their habit over you. Agree that this person does not suit you, do not rush about like a chicken at the sight of a car back with thoughts that you got excited. It’s better to get excited and leave than to rush about like a frightened chicken back and forth.
What difficulties do you have in determining your rights and readiness to defend them (only not with a rolling pin, you cannot defend your rights with a rolling pin)? How do you decide?
Tags: intimacy, protection of rights, relationships in a couple, parting, maintaining relationships, ultimatum
Ultimatums in a relationship.
Ultimatums in relationships are a fairly common problem. Have you ever said, “If you don’t do this and that, then I…”? Everyone has experienced similar situations, because ultimatums are the most common way to get what you want.
But, do not forget that such a statement of the question looks like ordinary blackmail, which in turn can adversely affect relationships.
Most often, lovely ladies blackmail their young people with threats that they will leave them. Remember that after the third or fourth such statement, your partner may nod and say that he will leave, and in all seriousness. He no longer takes your threats seriously, but he will try to teach a lesson for such ultimatums.
Unless you're really ready to end the relationship (or unless something really serious is on the scale), never threaten to leave! In the end, when you say that you really want to be together, then after this, it is quite logical that an ultimatum will also follow from your partner, and you will already be forced to accept his conditions.
Remember, the most effective response to blackmail is to counter conditions. You threatened your partner with the lack of delicious food and a clean house if he doesn’t stop, for example, communicating with the company that irritates you - you can get a statement in response that he can eat in a nearby cafe, and the mess in his apartment doesn’t really bother him .
If you threaten that you will go to your mother, or to a friend, they may not try to return you, waiting for you to change your mind and call. Each action has its own counteraction, according to the laws of physics, and building relationships on a heap of ultimatums from both sides is a dubious pleasure.
Ultimatums should only be used if you really intend to carry out the threat, and if marital happiness is at stake. An ultimatum is justified if your spouse shows excessive love for alcohol and this already looks like an addiction. An ultimatum is justified if a person unconsciously harms himself - for example, exhausts himself at work with excessive workaholism, or vice versa, constantly idles. But, nevertheless, it is always better to go to the dialogue, find out the reasons and help to survive the problems than to use manipulation.
If everyday blackmail passes into a permanent phase, then the suffering side begins to experience complexes, to feel petty and insignificant. This can result in two different situations - either a person who is fed up with ultimatums will break loose and make a scandal, or simply quietly find a person who will not build relationships on blackmail and will not try to manipulate him.
If your relationship is in discord, it is simply stupid to threaten a breakup and lack of sex - your partner can grab your words like a straw, and you really will part, and you yourself will be the guilty party in the breakup.
Why do people give ultimatums?
If a person resorts to blackmail at the everyday level, then there are reasons for this, having learned which, it is easier to understand how to deal with such a manifestation. With their endless ultimatums, they "probe" their pair for strength. As a rule, they do not get along for a long time with people who are able to give them a worthy rebuff and ignore everyday blackmail.
Many problems come from childhood, and if a child observes ultimatum behavior in the family, he simply follows the pattern that he was given at an unconscious age. The same problem is with people who do not know how to show negative feelings in time - they accumulate irritation with the bad habits of their passion for a long time, after which they burst into scandals with the indispensable overtones “either you do everything right, or I leave.”
If, nevertheless, a situation arises when an ultimatum is necessary, then when issuing it, you must strictly adhere to certain rules:
- always know what you really want and when.
- consider whether all other solutions to the problem have been used.
- you must clearly formulate your wish and limit the timing of its implementation.
- do not use those threats that you cannot execute.
Remember, any ultimatum you put forward may not be decided in your favor. Consider in advance what you are risking with this outcome.
But, on the other hand, if you put forward demands, such as giving up alcohol or drugs, and the partner made a decision not in your favor, you should not be upset. Perhaps this relationship is simply not for you, and it was better to decide everything in advance and put it in its place.
I am 38, she is 21, ex-husband and wife were together for almost 3 years, of which they lived for a year, 2 were married. During this time, she left 3 times, and I returned her. (Regular departures of a girl are a reason to tense up. I have come across this many times in my practice. When a woman just packs things, a man gradually gets used to it. For him, this is not an alarming and serious event, but “well, here again.” Some all their lives so they converge - diverge, warming up their feelings. It is possible to determine that these are mating games or, indeed, a decision to end a relationship, after 3-5 departures. It is then that serious problems appear and each departure can be the last. Obviously, the author thought that this such games, but there are no serious problems.I made a mistake, as we will see later). Difficulties in our relationship began before the wedding, somehow from friends we took a taxi home, the taxi driver drove dangerously, overtook, and I made drunken remarks to him. At the gas station, the taxi driver answered me rudely and began to get a bat, his wife stood up for him, like, I'm wrong, I freaked out and slapped her, and then told her to get out of it once she stood up for him. (Behaved inappropriately, but she let him get away with it).
... After the wedding, she wanted a child right away, and I said that I didn’t mind, but I needed to finish my studies at the institute, during which time I would pay off the mortgage. She didn't want to go to classes, and I gave money to close the sessions. She practically did not work, when she left me she got a job, returned and quit again. In general, when I came home late, she constantly climbed up to me that I did not pay attention to her, she herself had no interests, I asked her to let me rest, she refused. (A woman does not have her own life, and she concentrates on a man from idleness, because he takes on too much role in her life. Her emotional state at 90% depends on her husband's attitude towards her. If something is wrong on his part, this is a tragedy, because her whole world revolves around him. She has nothing to distract herself with, and the woman pours out all the negativity on the source of her discomfort - on her husband. This is a very common problem if a woman is not busy with anything. In order not to get into such a situation, you need to look at the selection stage so that the girl has her own goals and interests).
She got a job for the first time somewhere before her first departure. Once, with a friend, we were drinking vodka, and she just came in the evening, we sang karaoke, she asked me to make it quieter, I did it quieter, but she said unhappily, don’t you see, I’m tired, although I closed two doors. She went on principle, I freaked out and said, go nah .. if you don't like it. The next day, she quietly packed her things and left. I was frightened of her departure, and began to think how to return her. (Her dissatisfaction with the fact that the man sucks and treats her has accumulated. Up to this point, the balance of importance has been skewed in his favor. Her needs were systematically not met, and this case was the last straw. But I think her departure was a strategic move This is a calculation that he will run after her, and she will be able to push through her interests and return on other conditions) I started to return my wife, did not wait, returned after 3 months to the house, stopped drinking altogether, we met until she decided to move back. (We see that the girl clearly condescended. He diligently ran after her, and she decided: “okay”) It got to the point that she said that I should look for her hobbies and entertainment. (And here is the inversion of significance - when the balance after the break sharply skews in the other direction, and the dude who until recently sent her turned into a slave guy. Now he dances around and pleases, and she gives orders).
The second time she left was when she annoyed me with her claims. By the way, she is a very closed person and principled, if she is offended she will sulk for a long time and then she will remember everything vindictive. (She constantly nags him, remembers, puts pressure on guilt. The girl is sure that he owes her, and he, although he makes ridiculous excuses, also thinks so) . She packed her things and left again, but returned after 4 days because I was very worried. (This is called returning. Man. He caved in the first time, whined the second. Out of pity, she returned. Nothing changes in this case).
The third time I left without scandals, I did not even understand why. Our argument flared up because I was, like, not paying attention to her again. (An interesting thing. The girl is in a situation of a skewed balance in her favor. And she is bombarded, because he seems to be doing everything for her, and his attitude has changed, but everything still infuriates her. She does not realize this, but implicitly finds reasons for leaving. His value for her is already zero, and she returns to him, because the fact of marriage is important for her - it's a shame to get a divorce, relatives pressure, stereotypes are different about divorced losers). When she returned for the third time, she said how much she loved me, that she would not leave again and that I was the best. (What nonsense. Could it really be believed after everything she did and said? She is only afraid of the fact of divorce, and not the loss of relations with the author. The girl does not want to be a loser, but she does not care about him). I told her that, dear, enough quarrels, let's live peacefully. But we didn’t have enough for a long time, I burned her with cigarettes - we agreed that she would quit smoking. She excused herself and lied that they were not hers, although I knew that they were hers, there was evidence. Then she began to talk about how a meeting with a guy from VK was a trifle, not a betrayal, as her mother told her. (well, if mom said ...).
... She left home for the last time after she went home. My wife always sawed me that I didn’t communicate with her much when she left, and I told her that I was worried about you, but why call 10 times a day. In general, she lacked communication. (This is a reason for a quarrel. His attention has nothing to do with it. Either relatives dripped, or slept with school love - and her husband again began to enrage her). How she didn’t get in touch with me, and I began to write to her, why don’t you answer me, when she got the Internet, she wrote to me on WhatsApp, like, I control her a lot. I replied that you yourself told me that I had little contact with you, and now it’s the other way around. (There is clearly some kind of movement going on in her homeland. And she simply emotionally shows him her negativity with random phrases. The girl’s awareness is low, and she herself is small - hence such a crooked way to convey her emotions). In general, he told her nasty things and told her to leave as soon as she arrived. (Why do you kick her out if you later run to her to beg for forgiveness again? When does it make sense to kick her out? When a girl screwed up, you kicked her out, she herself, realizing her guilt, asks back. You put forward conditions for her, and accept back only if she accepts them, but the author kicks her out and then runs after her himself.
As soon as she arrived from Ukraine, she said that everything was over between us, and took her things after 2 weeks. I wasn't scared because I thought she was crazy again, but I was wrong. In general, I ran after her for three months, went to psychologists for consultations, and she sometimes boarded me, then we were with her again, kissing and so on. I have greatly reduced my importance in the relationship. There was a swing for 3 months - sometimes with me, sometimes without me, then on May 12 we went to file for divorce, they didn’t accept documents from us, and after 10 days she returned to a relationship, well, or at least we had sex, we discussed joint actions. (She fucks him closer and further. And instead of positioning himself as a prize, he is led on her swing. This crushed him very much, lowered his self-esteem, and he became even less attractive. She was also staggering: on the one hand, marriage is necessary save, on the other - the husband infuriates. Shakes to one pole - rapprochement and sex, to the other - frost).
In general, I once, after one quarrel in the psychos, gave her an ultimatum, as my coach-psychologist taught me, that she needs to cook me something to eat, sex, and then return to the house, if she doesn’t comply, then a divorce. (An excellent coach-psychologist who did not understand that ultimatums do not work in the case of the author. An ultimatum must be set once, and if the other side ignores it, keep your promise to end the relationship. And what is the effect of ultimatums, after which the author himself later running and apologizing? And the fact that she promises to fulfill his claim will not change much). She chose a divorce, but was in no hurry. Then I found out about Vaska, got furious, met with Vaska, but did not fight. (Another stupidity is to try to convince the opponent to leave his girlfriend alone, as if he is pursuing her against her will. This is a useless option. It’s good that the author didn’t fight. This would completely lower his significance, and would make Vaska in the eyes of his wife hero). After that we filed for divorce and got divorced. Since she was abroad at that time, I took the divorce papers.
With Vasko, as I understand it, everything is very nice now. Vasyok acted according to all the rules and carried away her with krysnosnos. (If this is true, it means that living with the author was extremely dull. When the roof snipers work, this suggests that a woman lacks positive emotions in marriage. Plus, her youth contributes to such a reaction to the roof snipers. The grain fell on fertile soil.)
Why I want to return, or at least try:
1) I myself did a lot to make her go away, did not follow her speech, and even said things that should not be said.
2) I raised my hand to her twice before the wedding, but then I promised and never did it again.
3) Vasek, in my opinion, is just a cool pick-up artist, there is reason to believe that he is fooling her head. (Vasek appeared because the girl no longer considered the author to be a man and began to look for someone else).
4) For me, she is just a beloved person, I can be without her, an adult and I understand that everything passes, but I feel that it was she who was given to me by God so that I become a different person, and we learned to appreciate each other.
5) She is a young girl of 21 who got married early.
Some will say why she is needed, she sucked or slept with him (but she is given to you by God, yes) , read what I wrote above. Yes, I think that was all, but I know that it was after.
Thank you for your support.
(What should I do? It doesn't matter - there is Vasek, there is no Vaska. It's not Vasya's fault, but the fact that the author behaves inconsistently. He is constantly thrown from one extreme to another, like a hysterical woman. back, trying to make gifts and other garbage, lined up. His attraction for her is zero. And I see no reason why the ex-wife should reach out to him again. The author now needs to instill in himself a masculine behavior, behave decisively, use the prize model. For For this it is important to meet other girls and understand what they are falling for. Quickly enough, the author will see that girls fall for confidence, a clear position, maturity - those qualities that make a person an adult. And the way he behaves with his wife, - Kindergarten. When the author begins to behave like an adult man, the wife will again begin to reach out to him. You can get in touch and seduce the former again only after the author has learned the behavior model of adult men s).
Ultimatums in the family: blackmail or benefit?
Have you ever been told a phrase similar to: "If you do not do this, I will do this"? Or maybe you yourself pronounce such words?
In Woody Allen's "Match Point", the protagonist kills his mistress because she gives him an ultimatum: "Either you leave your wife, or I will tell her about our relationship. " He loves her, but he is so afraid of losing his high position in society, which he achieved thanks to his wife, that his nerves give out. Unable to endure the blackmail of his mistress, he kills her.
Despite the possible unfortunate consequences, an ultimatum is one of the favorite ways to get what you want.
“If you don’t stop hanging out with friends, I will file for divorce”, “Until you buy a fur coat, you can forget about sex”, “If you leave me, I will commit suicide”, “If you don’t stop drinking, I will leave you ”, “If you don’t take out the trash, I’ll stop cooking” ... With the help of cute everyday blackmail, many people quite successfully solve their family problems.
But few people think what long-term consequences an ultimatum has and how it affects relationships.
Who is the boss in the house?
Marina and Zhenya have been dating for half a year. One day, Zhenya was going to a friend's birthday party at a nightclub. Marina was angry that he was going without her, and stated that if he went, then their relationship was over.
When the beloved called the next day, the girl said that they were breaking up. Zhenya did not apologize and agreed with her. After a few days of separation, Marina could not stand it and called Zhenya.
Now he set conditions for his return, and although the girl did not like them at all, she was forced to agree, because she did not want to lose her beloved at all.
If you give an ultimatum, be aware that it may not be understood in the way you intended. If your plans do not include a break in relations, you should not express your requests in the form of an ultimatum.
Another unfortunate consequence may be that if everything goes wrong and you decide to abandon your ultimatum, your partner stops taking your words seriously and starts dictating his own conditions for reconciliation, which can change the existing situation for the worse .
Be especially careful with sexual manipulation (“Until you buy a necklace, there will be no sex”, etc.). After all, the husband can answer that he gets sex without any conditions with his mistress.
Lena has long been tired of the fact that her husband meets his friends at the bar every Friday and comes home in the morning. Then she set a condition for her beloved: “If you don’t stop going to the bar, I will stop cooking and cleaning the apartment.” “Well, if you stop cooking and cleaning, I will eat in restaurants,” the husband replied and carried out his threat.
Now he came home late every day, not just on Friday. Then Lena threatened her disobedient husband that if the rebellion did not stop, she would go to live with her mother.
The husband turned out to be a tough nut to crack and gladly agreed to his wife's proposal. Now they live separately, and pride does not allow Lena to return to her husband.
For every action there is a reaction. Remember that the answer to your ultimatum may be another ultimatum, and this, in turn, can destroy the relationship.
Rates are rising
Tonya didn't like that her husband smoked. He smoked everywhere and a lot. Once Tonya announced: "Either you quit smoking, or you will sleep in another room." The husband was not ready for such changes, so he began to fight the bad habit.
Tonya was delighted with such complaisance and decided to continue the educational process. Now the ultimatum has become an everyday lever for managing her husband. Just a little, Tonya put ultimatums, not bothering to clarify the situation and conduct a dialogue.
The girl could not get enough of her obedient husband, and therefore she was shocked by the news that he had another woman. “You see, with her I feel like a real strong man, and with you - complete insignificance, as if they drove over me with a skating rink.”
When an ultimatum becomes a normal form of relationship, you stop communicating and understanding each other. Tyranny is established in your family. Since an ultimatum is a typical manipulation, it turns out that the one who manipulates considers himself superior to the other person. The other side feels weak and dependent.
Everyone knows how their subjects treat tyrants: they want to get out of their oppression as soon as possible. Ways can be different: from revolution and open resistance to a quiet withdrawal to places where there is a more humane form of government.
The oppressed can also find the desired relaxation in casinos, alcohol and other ways of escaping from reality.
Anya had been living with Pasha for five years, but he had no intention of marrying her. Anya was angry and constantly threatened to leave Pasha. Their relationship got worse and worse, they fought all the time.
One day Anya broke down and said: “If you are not going to formalize our relationship, I will leave you!” To which Pasha replied: “I am very glad that you suggested this. I've been wanting to leave you for a long time."
The accumulated problems cannot be solved with an ultimatum. If the relationship has cracked, the partner can only be happy with such a formulation of the question, because he himself was afraid to take the first step.
What is an ultimatum?
People are constantly probing the boundaries of what is permitted in relation to their partners. They can do this mutually, which can lead either to a clear definition of the boundaries of interaction, or to confrontation and a break in relations. It all depends on how this "probing" is carried out.
If your favorite method of influencing your partner is an ultimatum, there are reasons for that. Here they are:
Thirst for power. If you are risking relationships for the sake of, in principle, not very important things, then most likely your only goal is to gain power over your loved one. It is important for you to know that he "obeys" you, that you are in control of the situation.
You were brought up in a family where all issues were resolved with the help of emotional blackmail, and therefore you are used to this particular form of getting what you want.
You are unable to adequately express your negative feelings. You tend to keep emotions in yourself for a long time, and then suddenly give out a short summary in the form of an ultimatum.
This happens because you are afraid of conflicts and endure the situation until it finally "gets" you. As a result, it turns out that you have a lot of problems that you are trying to solve in one fell swoop.
Unfortunately, if you have not learned to discuss with your partner what worries you, what you want, no ultimatum will help. It turns out that you have not established trust and are trying to act through emotional blackmail, which in this case will most likely lead to a final break.
When you need an ultimatum
Sometimes there comes a moment in a relationship when it is necessary to issue an ultimatum or leave. But only when all means are exhausted.
An ultimatum helps in the following cases:
When you know exactly what you want, why you want it, and this is vital for you. For example, if you have been living with your partner for a long time and really want to start a family, but he is in no hurry to propose.
Or you dream of children, and he says that he does not need it. Or you find out that your husband has a mistress, and he cannot make a choice between you.
In all cases, the choice may not be in your favor, but will give you the opportunity to get out of uncertainty and start building a new life.
When it comes to alcohol and drugs. Normal love relationships are possible only when a person recovers and frees himself from his harmful addiction.
As long as he is not free, he will not be able to give you what you need. Only an ultimatum can give him the opportunity to think.
Of course, in all cases there is a danger that you will not be called back, but if what you are asking for is really important to you, you will save your time by cutting off contact with a person who does not suit you or makes your life unbearable.
Benefits of an ultimatum
In all cases when things that are important to you, which determine the quality of your life, are being decided, leaving a hopeless partner may be the only possible option for several reasons: .