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How do you confront a narcissist


Tips for Confronting a Narcissist

Narcissistic abuse can be subtle, but ending the cycle is possible.

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Maintaining a relationship with someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) can sometimes feel like too much to handle.

Characteristics of narcissism that can make a relationship feel one-sided might include:

  • an inflated sense of self-worth
  • lack of empathy
  • a constant need for attention

Sometimes, narcissists can even be abusive toward certain people in their lives.

Narcissistic abuse can be:

  • emotional
  • mental
  • physical
  • sexual
  • financial
  • spiritual

The harm from this type of abuse may be obvious, but in many cases is more subtle.

If you’re dealing with narcissistic abuse, it’s important to recognize that you don’t deserve this type of treatment and don’t have to tolerate it.

It’s understandable to be hesitant to confront the offender. Narcissists are usually good at using manipulation to shift the blame onto others. They might even try gaslighting to make you doubt your own perceptions.

The good news is, there are some effective ways to confront a narcissist who’s using abusive tactics.

Quick exit

While many adults display a few narcissistic traits, people who are diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) have an actual personality disorder. NPD affects up to 5.3% of people.

People with NPD aren’t making behavior decisions to be narcissistic. Rather, they have a disorder that causes them to act in ways that many people often find off-putting.

Still, you don’t have to tolerate abuse from anyone, regardless of their diagnosis.

Signs of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)

People with NPD are commonly driven by a desire for power — including over others — often due to underlying shame and low self-esteem.

Some tell-tale signs of NPD can include:

  • an exaggerated sense of self-importance
  • a tendency to manipulate others
  • strong feelings of jealousy or envy
  • feeling superior to others
  • acting arrogant or overly confident
  • strong desire to be more successful, smart, powerful, or attractive than others
  • need for constant admiration
  • exaggerating achievements and talents
  • unable to recognize the needs of others
  • difficulty dealing with criticism
  • feels rage at a challenge to their sense of grandiosity

Not everyone who has NPD will exhibit abusive behaviors, and not all abusers have NPD.

Power, control, and narcissistic abuse

The goal of narcissistic abuse is usually power.

Narcissists may try to boost their control and authority while creating doubt, shame, or dependency in the person being abused. These types of behaviors can help narcissists hide their feelings of inferiority.

In a 2021 study, researchers found that narcissistic behaviors are commonly driven by insecurity, not an inflated sense of self.

People with NPD can exhibit extreme anger and violence, including sexual abuse. Or they can use subtle tactics to manipulate others. Either way, it’s still abuse.

A narcissist will rarely take responsibility for their behavior. Generally, they deny their actions and augment the abuse by blaming the person experiencing abuse.

Symptoms of narcissistic abuse can vary in tactics and severity. A person who is a narcissistic abuser might use violence or harsh words. Or, they may manipulate you by using the silent treatment.

Abusive tactics

Common tactics used by narcissistic abusers can include:

  • insisting you please them
  • isolating you from family or friends
  • gaslighting you
  • becoming angry or physically abusive if you don’t meet their needs
  • verbal abuse, including belittling, bullying, threatening, or shaming
  • demanding unconditional love while not giving it in return
  • controlling your money or privacy
  • spreading rumors about you
  • acting hyper-emotional to get what they want
  • focusing on your imperfections and insulting you

Effects of narcissistic abuse

Being on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse can be a confusing, painful experience. It can be hard to identify and avoid being the target of abuse. For some, it can be even harder to escape the abuse and manipulation once it has begun.

However, it is possible to end the cycle and regain your strength and freedom after abuse. Understanding the effects of narcissistic abuse can help you identify it.

Effects of narcissistic abuse can include:

  • a constant feeling that something is wrong
  • questioning your self-worth or sanity
  • feeling overly concerned about your perceived failures and flaws
  • difficulty knowing what’s real and what’s not
  • holding a narcissistic person in high regard
  • doing whatever their abuser tells them to do
  • pulling away from friends and family

Quick exit

Emotional abuse is a form of abuse where someone uses nonphysical behaviors to:

  • control
  • frighten
  • isolate

Narcissistic abuse can be considered a type of emotional abuse, but it can also involve other harmful behaviors, such as physical abuse.

Confronting someone with narcissistic traits or an NPD person can be challenging, but it can be important to stand up for yourself.

If you choose to confront a narcissist, it doesn’t mean you have to fight or argue. Confrontation can look like speaking up for yourself clearly and calmly. It can also look like setting personal boundaries to protect your mind, emotions, and body.

Pushback from people with NPD can be common. Appearing weak is often a narcissistic person’s biggest fear. Knowing this, try to avoid taking the words of an abuser personally.

Safety and support for domestic violence

If you feel like you’re in physical danger, don’t confront your abuser. Create an exit plan, find a temporary place to stay, and get to safety.

  • You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 for free, confidential, 24/7 care and support.
  • You can call loveisrespect.org at 866-331-9474 or text LOVEIS to 22522 for support if you think you could be in an abusive relationship.

In addition, you can visit The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), a domestic violence prevention advocacy group with a list of resources for relationship abuse help.

Be assertive

Know that you deserve respect and stay firm in that belief. Try to avoid being passive, which a narcissist commonly sees as a weakness.

Stay calm

Try not to react or become aggressive, even if the narcissist does.

Strategy

Try to keep your strategy and goals in mind. Before beginning a conversation, it can be helpful to clearly understand:

  • what you want specifically
  • what the narcissist might want
  • what your limits are
  • where you have power in the relationship

Boundaries

Boundaries are rules that govern how you want to be treated.

It’s important to know what your boundaries are before you can communicate them. Try to be as clear as you can about your boundaries, even if this upsets the narcissist.

Consequences

Consequences are not threats, but actions you take to protect yourself or meet your needs. Taking measures to invoke consequences can be important if your boundaries are ignored after they’re set.

Educate yourself on NPD

Learning about NPD and narcissistic traits may help you better understand narcissistic abuse and the disorder in general.

Separate the behavior from the person

If you’re pointing out a flaw, try to honor your needs by using “I” statements about the other person’s behavior. This can help remind the narcissistic person of your boundaries and limitations they may have overstepped and the treatment you’ll accept.

It’s not your fault

People with NPR or narcissistic traits often repeatedly deflect blame and avoid feelings like shame and guilt. Try to remain aware of this tendency and recognize when this is happening.

Even writing down mantras for yourself to revisit during or after a confrontation with a narcissistic person can assist with remembering your goals and adhering to boundaries to protect your self-worth.

Therapy

Therapy is often the main treatment method for NPD. If you feel comfortable speaking frankly, it might be helpful to suggest therapy to the narcissistic person.

Be prepared that they may or may not be receptive to this idea.

Realistic expectations

Keep in mind that narcissistic people don’t typically like to admit when they’re wrong or show vulnerability. It may be wise to keep your expectations in check when it comes to them opening up and seeing your side.

Ending abuse frequently requires support. Reaching out to family and friends to let them know what’s going on can be a positive first step.

The peer support and skills discussed during Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) meetings can also be valuable. Narcissistic people often gravitate toward those with high empathy or tendencies for codependency.

Finding a good therapist can be helpful for guidance and support. A therapist can help you develop tools to protect yourself and raise your self-worth. Over time, this can help you heal.

Quick exit

Confronting a narcissist isn’t always easy. But with the right support system and resources, you can successfully stand up for yourself.

You deserve to be treated with respect — and you can get through this.

If you feel like you’re in physical danger or might be if you confront your abuser, don’t approach them. Instead, consider creating a safety plan to get away immediately.

Try to remember that you have options, whether you want to work through the relationship or end contact completely.

Narcissistic abuse resources

Some tools to help you heal from narcissistic abuse include:

  • therapy
  • support groups, like Narcissist Abuse Support and CoDa
  • educating yourself about narcissistic abuse and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)

What Works and What Doesn’t

Written by Kara Mayer Robinson

You may wonder if your partner, co-worker, or family member is a narcissist. While many people have what doctors call narcissistic traits, like self-importance and entitlement (thinking they’re owed something), people diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder can be a bigger challenge.

“Living with a narcissist requires a different or more advanced emotional skill set,” says Kimberly Perlin, a licensed clinical social worker Towson, MD. She specializes in helping women in relationships with narcissists and also treats narcissists.

Having a narcissist in your life can be frustrating and emotionally challenging. Your relationship may revolve around them. You may feel judged and exhausted by their demands.

When she was a child, Carla Marie Manly, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Santa Rosa, CA, didn’t realize her older sibling was a narcissist. “Growing up with this highly controlling person was extremely challenging,” she says. “It was only in my adult years that I came to realize this sibling was a deeply troubled narcissist.”

How to Spot a Narcissist

Narcissists have a strong sense of grandiosity. That means they think they’re more important than others and often seek out admiration.

One of Perlin’s clients is a perfect example. “A client I worked with for years terminated therapy with me when he saw my new website and was insulted that the website didn’t talk about him,” she says.

Narcissists often:

  • Have a strong sense of grandiosity (they have high levels of self-esteem, self-importance, self-confidence, and often feel like they’re superior to others)
  • Are arrogant
  • Take advantage of others to get what they want
  • Believe they’re unique or special
  • Exaggerate achievements and talents
  • Need constant admiration
  • Feel envy toward others
  • Believe others envy them
  • Lack empathy
  • Are obsessed with fantasies of brilliance, power, or success
  • Have a sense of entitlement

Narcissists and Relationships

Manly learned a lot about narcissists from her older sibling and her experiences working with them. “I’ve learned that narcissists are the focus of their own lives. They often believe they’re perfect and blame others for issues that arise at work, home, or social situations.” she says.

Narcissists may do whatever it takes to get what they want. They generally don’t feel compassion and can’t connect intimately with others, even the people who are closest to them.

At work, a narcissist may seek admiration, even if it hurts others. They may take credit for other people’s work, undermine co-workers, or change their behavior to get approval from higher-level people. They may seem friendly and hard-working, but there’s often more to it than meets the eye.

At home, a narcissist can impact the whole family. If you’re in an intimate relationship with a narcissist, they may be highly critical of you, distant, and dismissive. You could feel invisible, disrespected, and lonely. If you’re a child of a narcissist, you may have been neglected or abused.

Sometimes it’s best to cut ties with a narcissist, especially if they’re abusive.

“For my own mental health, I’ve chosen to step back from investing in a personal relationship with my sibling,” Manly says. She accepts that her sibling doesn’t see their behavior as a problem and since her sibling has no desire for self-growth, an ongoing relationship will only lead to more frustration.

If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, expect it to be challenging. “Buckle up, it will be a very bumpy ride,” says Forrest Talley, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Folsom, CA. “It will be an extraordinarily taxing relationship.”

What to Do With a Narcissist

Take these steps to handle a narcissist:

Educateyourself. Find out more about the disorder. It can help you understand the narcissist’s strengths and weaknesses and learn how to handle them better. Knowing who they are may also allow you to accept the situation for what it is and have realistic expectations.

Create boundaries. Be clear about your boundaries. It may upset or disappoint the narcissist, but that’s OK. Remember, it’s not your job to control that person’s emotions, Perlin says.

Speak up for yourself. When you need something, be clear and concise. “Make sure they understand your request, Perlin says.

Watch your wording. Narcissists don’t take constructive criticism well, Manly says. Try to make comments in careful, positive ways.

Stay calm. Try not to react if they try to pick a fight or gaslight you (making you doubt your own reality). If they lash out, think of them as a 3-year-old who feels rejected because their parent sets a bedtime, Talley says.

Create a support system. Living with a narcissist can lead to feelings of insecurity, confusion, and self-doubt. “Make sure you have a core group of people in your life that can support you,” Talley says.

Bring in a counselor. Therapy won’t cure your partner’s narcissism, but it may help you work certain things out. A counselor can show you ways to approach problem-solving with the narcissist.

What Not to Do With a Narcissist

Certain things may trigger problems with a narcissist, so it’s best to avoid them.

Don’t argue or confront. Manly finds it’s best not to confront a narcissist directly. As difficult as it may be to constantly tiptoe around them, it can be better to manage their need to feel in charge.

Don’t try to direct them. Narcissists like to have control and often fear losing it. “Efforts to lead or instruct a narcissist will often fail,” Manly says.

Don’t expect them to see your point of view. Narcissists don’t like to admit when they’re wrong or that they’re unlovable, so trying to make them see things your way could backfire.

Don’t expect deep, meaningful communication. “Narcissists have very little empathy, so honest, heartfelt communication often doesn’t get through and can even create an angry outburst or shutdown response,” Manly says.

Don’t go over past issues. Don’t try to make them see a long line of behavior dating back years -- or how they’re just like their father, for example, Perlin says. Instead, stay in the present when you express requests or hurt feelings.

People with narcissistic personality disorder usually don’t change, so keep that in mind. Even if you learn to manage your relationship better, it probably won’t ever be a healthy relationship.

Training, slander and triangulation: how to deal with toxic people, narcissists and manipulators

The MIF publishing house publishes a book by psychologist and writer Shahida Arabi, which explores the topic of psychological abuse and explains in detail who manipulators are and what to do if they turn out to be in your environment. Forbes Life publishes an excerpt from her book Toxic People on some narcissistic tricks

Training

Toxic people respond to your strengths, talents, and happy memories with abuse, disrespect, and expression of frustration. They use what I call training to get you to associate your happiest moments, interests, hobbies and dreams with their cruel and heartless punishment. In psychology, this is known as positive punishment: the addition of adverse circumstances to prevent certain goal-directed behaviors. When you are regularly punished for reaching a goal, you develop a negative reinforcement pattern in which you avoid goals associated with punishment for safety reasons. Like Pavlov's dog, you are gradually taught to be afraid of the things that once made your life happy and fulfilling, while isolating you from friends and family, which leads to your emotional and financial dependence on a toxic person.

As soon as the honeymoon is over, this person will both covertly and directly suppress those qualities and traits of you that he once idealized. He will throw you off the pedestal he created and devalue you. It will ruin your holidays, vacations, birthdays, anniversaries and other important dates for you.

Narcissists train us by suppressing our enthusiasm and frustrating our plans in moments that should be filled with joy, such as the birth of a child or professional success. This prevents what relationship researchers call “capitalization,” the expression of exhilaration from an experience or achievement that enhances its value (Reis et al., 2010). When we cannot share good news with a partner, because we expect punishment or humiliation from him, we lose the pleasure of the supposed triumph.

Training leads us to feel that everything that brings us joy can be reduced to a minimum, radically corrupted or unfairly and finally taken away.

Switching focus from some of your accomplishments or achievements to the narcissist is an indicator of his pathological need to be constantly in the spotlight. See what several victims went through in what should have been the happiest moments of their lives.

Brooke: “My father sabotaged all the holidays in my life and turned the attention to himself. Graduation at school, college and university, a party before the birth of my child and the ceremony of his christening.

Amanda: “On all holidays, my mother finds a reason to be angry and make us look like terrible children who abandoned her on a special day. She didn't show up for my graduation. She said that the party before the birth of my child is vulgar, and I had to beg for her to come. She threw a terrible tantrum at both of our weddings and threatened to leave in the middle of the event. The list is endless. We are not allowed to be happy and have some intimate moments just for ourselves.”

Meghan: “When we got engaged, my stepmother bought herself a two-carat diamond ring because I was very happy with my engagement ring and attracted a lot of attention to myself. I once mentioned that I dream of a green Jeep Grand Cherokee. A week later, she bought herself the car of my dreams.”

Rachel: “All the holidays and important days in my life are ruined by tantrums or disgusting comments from my husband. Every single one. On Mother's Day he called me terrible names, on Christmas he threw gifts at me because I accidentally opened a box meant for him, he called me names for not wanting to go down a steep cliff at night on a beach in total darkness, and these are just flowers ".

Narcissists are eager to destroy anything that could undermine their control of your life. They are pathologically envious and don't want anything to come between them and their influence on you. After all, if you realize that you can receive approval, respect, and love from other sources, what will keep you in that relationship? A little training on a vicious toxic person will make you tiptoe around and forget about fulfilling your big desires.

This form of manipulation gives us a sense of learned helplessness. It forces us to fight the constant feeling of fear that even when everything in life is going well, a toxic parent, partner, sibling, friend, co-worker, or boss will show up and try to take it away.

Training leads us to feel that everything that brings us joy can be reduced to a minimum, radically corrupted or unfairly and finally taken away.

"I'm afraid of causing inconvenience to other people": when there is really nothing to be ashamed of

How to stop training without further punishment of the narcissist.

Make a list of your past successes, accomplishments, happy moments, and any other sources of joy spoiled by the narcissist. Describe how he harmed you, how it made you feel, and what were the consequences of this sabotage. Then consider how to reconnect with these sources of pleasure and pride without the narcissist intervening. Here are some examples:

- if your narcissistic friend constantly ruined your dream career, think about how to achieve this goal nevertheless;
- If your toxic parent has always ruined your birthdays, get in the habit of inviting only friends and relatives who are happy to share this special day with you;
- do not tell narcissists about upcoming happy events and recent successes;
- Celebrate your accomplishments more often by hosting parties and get-togethers without the presence of the toxic person.

Train yourself to associate a healthy sense of pride and elation with your passions, hobbies, interests, aspirations, and accomplishments that the narcissist has repressed. You deserve all the joy in your accomplishments. Don't let pathological envy steal what is rightfully yours.

Living a Hundred Happy Years: How to Build Healthy Habits in 12 Days

Introspection

Celebrate Your Achievements

Write down three things you are proud of. It may be helpful to note three points in each of the following areas:

- career and study;

—social life;

— self-development;

- raising children / relationships with others;

- sports/health;

— mental health.

Next to each item, describe how you celebrated this achievement and think of at least one way to celebrate it now and reward yourself.

Slander

Hidden manipulators often spread rumors to destroy your reputation and undermine the trust of others in you. Slander is a preemptive strike designed to harm you, leave you without support in case you still decide to end the relationship and leave the toxic person. Manipulators can gossip behind your back, tell nasty things about you to your or your loved ones, spread rumors that make you the aggressor and them the victim, attribute to you exactly such actions that you can accuse them of. They may spread outright lies, rumors, and false assumptions to cast doubt on your sanity and reputation. Moreover, they may even fabricate false evidence. They will also methodically, covertly and purposefully provoke you in order to use your emotional reactions as an argument for your instability for further psychological abuse.

Slander is a pre-emptive strike designed to harm you, leave you without support in case you still decide to end the relationship and leave the toxic person.

This is a form of gaslighting aimed at manipulating your image in the eyes of others so that no one will believe that you are being abused. If toxic people can't control how you see yourself, they start to control how others see you: they pretend to be a martyr and a victim, making you look like a toxic person. Manipulators go out of their way to portray you as a manipulator in order to avoid responsibility for their actions. They may even harass and harass you or someone you know, ostensibly to expose you. However, such exposure is just a way to hide your own destructive behavior by projecting it onto you. Sometimes gossip hardens against each other not even two, but entire groups of people. A victim in a destructive relationship with a narcissist is often unaware of the conversations behind their back for as long as the relationship lasts, but eventually all the secrets are revealed.

You may experience slander in romantic relationships, at work, among friends, on social networks and among relatives. It often happens that a pathologically envious and sociopathic employee feeds false information about his hardworking colleagues to his boss in order to eliminate a threat on his way up the career ladder. When narcissists achieve great prestige and power, they have the opportunity to destroy even more, harming everyone they consider competitors. As Joe Navarro, a former FBI profiler, writes in his book Dangerous Persons: “Narcissists can rise to high positions in areas of great power or great trust, and commit abuses and even crimes that sometimes have devastating consequences” (Navarro , 2017, 41). The more power a person has, the more devastating can be the slander directed against the victim. This form of manipulation often has very long-term destructive consequences.

Manipulation and deceit: how not to fall into the trap of the simpleton hunter

How to deal with slander

If you are faced with slander and gossip, continue to stick to the truth, and let your honesty and character speak for themselves. If you are unreasonably accused, operate only with facts. The best "revenge" in such a situation is to live your life, reconnect with reliable people and move forward to success. Let go of the people who supported the narcissist. They themselves will understand that they were wrong. Convincing them is not your job. Take it for granted, now you know who your real friends are.

As difficult as it may be, try not to show emotions in public: narcissists will try to use your reactions against you to make you look inadequate.

Focus on legal actions you can take to combat defamation: Whenever possible, carefully document evidence of abuse that will be needed to file a criminal case. Research the libel laws in your area and, if necessary, enlist the help of an attorney experienced in dealing with conflict personalities.

Build healthy relationships with people who can support you in difficult times. Ideally, this circle should include a psychotherapist working with a traumatic experience, who understands personality disorders, and victims who have experienced such an experience. It is necessary to build such relationships with sincere and reliable people who can cover your rear, and not with those who support a toxic person. If you are facing slander, the last thing you want is to be further gaslighted, devalued, or re-traumatized.

Some of my readers have asked if it is worth the effort to expose the narcissist to the public eye. As a rule, trying to take down a psychopath alone can be a dangerous undertaking, so I strongly recommend that you put your safety first and consult with a lawyer and mental health professional to carefully analyze your case. Public exposure can have consequences, and an aggressive toxic person may retaliate by accusing you of defamation, even if what you say is true. Do not forget that such people are charming and usually receive the support of society. Benign types of toxic personalities are afraid of exposure and will certainly retreat if such a possibility, psychopaths are unimaginably cruel, and some of them are ready to destroy anyone who tries to expose them. The true nature of predators is ultimately revealed when they betray the people who supported them, so you should not waste your energy on exposing them, unless you have evidence, confidence in your safety and the necessary incentive. But first, make sure you weigh all the pros and cons.

Some believe that the risk far outweighs the need to expose the manipulator, while others believe that exposure can save new potential victims or even unite a group of victims of the same predator and encourage them to work together. It all depends on the circumstances, but in any case, your personal safety should be at the forefront. First of all, focus on restoring your good name, healing, getting social support, and achieving personal goals.

Artful manipulation: how to deal with intolerable people

Introspection. Friend or foe?

Think about the circle of people who support you. Who is included in it? Reveal those who have distanced themselves or turned away from you because of slander - these people have shown their true colors. Note also who stayed by your side. These are your real friends. If your entire support circle has fallen apart, start looking for potential sources to create a new one. Reach out to support groups, domestic violence centers, counseling counselors, and explore the possibilities of social media (eg Meetup.com).

Triangulation

The inclusion of an outsider's threatening opinion or just a stranger into the relationship dynamic is known as triangulation. This is a common technique for asserting the rightness of a destructive person and devaluing the reactions of his victim. Triangulation can be used in various contexts for the purpose of sabotage and harassment.

In love relationships, triangulation is used not only to control the partner, but also to provoke jealousy.

- It often leads to love triangles in which you feel insecure and unsettled.

- Narcissistic parents use triangulation to pit their children against each other: they make unjustified comparisons and stir up sibling rivalry.

— The sociopathic leader of a social group may play friends against each other by claiming that one is gossiping about the other, but in this way he controls each member of the group by spreading false information.

- In the workplace, toxic people may use triangulation to misinform their boss about their colleagues in order to prevent them from getting promotions they deserve.

In love relationships, triangulation is used not only to control the partner, but also to provoke jealousy. Malignantly toxic people love to involve strangers, colleagues, ex-partners, friends, and even family members in relationships to make you feel insecure. They also use the opinions of others to support their point of view and gaslight the abuse you are experiencing.

The narcissist uses triangulation and creates a "harem" to appear as a highly desirable person, no matter how close to reality. In his book The Art of Seduction, Robert Green encourages seducers to create triangles with friends, former lovers, and current suitors to ignite rivalry and increase their worth. This creates the appearance of competition, and the object focuses on winning the attention and love of a "very desirable" person. As Greene writes: “Few people will find the attraction of a person whom everyone avoids or who is neglected: people circle around those who have already aroused someone's interest. To get the attention of your victims, to make them lust after what you have, create a kind of popularity aura - show that you are wanted and wanted, that you are being chased by crowds of admirers" (Greene, 2004, 195).

Narcissists create love triangles by constantly talking about their ex-partners, people they dated, or those who are "obsessed" with them (later you learn that these are the victims of the narcissist). Active triangulation can be an early warning sign or a harbinger of future manipulations. For example, if on a first date your partner talks endlessly about their exes, their likes or those who sympathize with him, or if he actively flirts with others, take this as a serious red flag and a clear sign of disrespect.

Triangulation is a diversionary tactic designed to divert attention from abuse to a false image of a person's desirability. "Harem" serves as social proof of the narcissist's character. If you have a problem with a narcissist, then you must be the problem, or at least you think so. In fact, it just means that people prefer not to notice that the king is naked.

Manipulators use triangulation as part of other abusive tactics—slander and gaslighting—or to obtain narcissistic reinforcement. It makes you doubt yourself: "If Danica agrees with Justin and also thinks that I'm not myself, maybe I'm wrong after all?" The truth is, narcissists are happy to tell you gossip and lies that others have said about you while spreading rumors behind your back.

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Toxics, narcissists and gaslighters: simple tricks to help them resist

Understand

Shahida Arabi has been studying behavioral strategies for victims of bullying and abusive behavior for several years. She is the author of several bestselling books on how to stop manipulators, gaslighters, and narcissists from doing what they are so good at. In the summer, Mann, Ivanov & Ferber published her book Toxic People. Inc. publishes an excerpt.

Pointless arguments and distractions in conversation

Malignant narcissists use many conversational distractions to unsettle you and drag you into their chaos. These may include the following tactics:

Getting personal and damaging reputation. When narcissists cannot logically refute your argument or point of view, they resort to personal attacks: use illogical reasoning, insults, projection, and gaslighting to confuse and confuse you if you just disagree or challenge them. This is done in order to discredit and confuse you, divert you from the main problem and make you feel guilty about the fact that you are a living person with thoughts and feelings that are different from their own. Ten minutes of arguing with a narcissist is enough, and you are already wondering how you even got involved in this. You just expressed disagreement with his ridiculous statement that the sky is red, and now your entire childhood, family, friends, morality, career and lifestyle are mixed with dirt. This is because your disagreement conflicts with his false belief that he is all-powerful and all-knowing, threatening his inflated ego and sense of his own superiority. Instead of responding to your arguments, he attacks your personality.

How to resist the transition to personalities. By far the best reaction is none, but if for some reason you are compelled to respond to the narcissist's attacks, then don't fall for his red herrings. Repeat the facts and let him know that personal attacks are not relevant. Stop this conversation if possible. You do not have to explain to an adult how to be a worthy person. Remember: toxic people are not arguing with you, they are, in fact, arguing with themselves, and you are just an accomplice in their long, exhausting monologue. They love drama and live to create chaos. By trying to find an argument to refute their ridiculous claims, you are providing narcissistic reinforcement. Don't feed the narcissists - better realize that the problem is not with you, but with their abusive behavior. Stop communicating as soon as you feel the first signs of an escalation of the situation, and spend your energy on self-care and self-defense.

Labeling. As you know, daffodils make an elephant out of a fly in case of any threat to their superiority. In their reality, only they can be right, and anyone who dares to disagree will become the cause of narcissistic rage. According to psychiatrist Mark Goulston, this is not a result of low self-esteem, but a sense of permissiveness and a false sense of superiority. He writes: “In the eyes of the narcissist, the whole world must approve, adore, obey and agree with him. Anything less is perceived as an attack, which, in the opinion of the narcissist, he is entitled to respond with anger. For the most base representatives of this type, rage takes the form of labeling when they fail to influence your opinion or emotions in any other way. They feel entitled to humiliate and call you names. Name-calling is a quick and easy way to humiliate your intelligence, appearance or behavior, while depriving you of the right to be a person with your own opinion. This tactic can also be used to criticize your beliefs, opinions, and ideas. Your personal life experience, reasoned point of view, or reasoned opinion suddenly becomes "stupid" or "idiot" in the hands of an aggressive narcissist who feels threatened but can't really object. Narcissists insult your intelligence to cover up their incompetence. Instead of attacking your arguments, the narcissist attacks you in every possible way to undermine your authority and question your intelligence.

How to resist labeling. It is important to stop any offensive interaction and convey to the opponent that you do not intend to tolerate this. The situation will only get worse. Do not take it personally: understand that a person resorts to insults only because he does not know other, more worthy ways of communication. You can do the following:

- If labeling is frustrating for you, use mindful breathing techniques to calm yourself and focus on the best ways to protect yourself in your circumstances.

- If a family member or partner uses this tactic against you during a discussion, say firmly that you are not going to tolerate such disrespect and end the conversation safely.

- If this is happening in the context of harassment or harassment by a former partner, save the evidence in case it is needed to initiate a criminal case.

- If you are labeled in a professional environment, consider whether you can bring this to the attention of your superiors.

- If you encounter an incident on the Internet, report it to the relevant social network service and block the aggressor. Save screenshots if the person continues the cyberstalking.

Large-scale generalizations. Instead of dealing with real problems, narcissists prefer to make sweeping generalizations if we dare to claim mistreatment. These generalizations include exaggerating your hypersensitivity or sweeping statements like "You're never satisfied" or "You're always overreacting. " This tactic can be especially powerful with empathic people, as it uses gaslighting to instill the idea that our hypersensitivity is the problem, not their violence. And while you can be overly sensitive at times, it's much more likely that a destructive person is insensitive and cruel most of the time.

How to deal with big generalizations. Toxic people who wield superficial statements do not represent the fullness and all the nuances of reality. They express a distorted point of view based on their own self-centered intentions. Stick to the truth and try to resist generalizations, because this is just a form of completely illogical black and white thinking. Depending on how receptive you think the person is to feedback, you might say, "You're generalizing. There were many examples of the opposite." However, the more toxic the person, the more likely you are to get bogged down in pointless arguments designed to throw you off balance. Try not to fall into this trap, but stick to the primary statement you are trying to convey and end the conversation if the person stoops to personal attacks.

Deliberate distortion of your point of view to the point of absurdity. If you dare to disagree with a narcissist, your differences of opinion, emotions, and real experiences turn into character flaws and "evidence" of your irrationality and inability to think critically. This common cognitive bias is called "mind reading." Toxic people claim to know your thoughts and feelings. They regularly jump to conclusions based on their own reactions instead of rationally assessing the situation. These discrepancies may be based on their own illusions and delusions, as well as the need to purposefully unsettle you and divert attention from the problem. Narcissists make up all sorts of tall tales that distort your real words, and as a result, your thoughts look absurd or just monstrous. Instead of acknowledging your emotions, the narcissist distracts you with unimaginable accusations. For example, you point out to a toxic partner that you don't like their way of communicating. In response, he distorts your words: “And you, then, are perfection itself?” or “So you think I’m bad?” - although you just expressed your feelings. Or he may begin to criticize your character, saying: “So you mean to say that I should not have an opinion. You love to be in control too much!” This gives them the opportunity to revoke your right to think and feel about their inappropriate behavior and instills guilt in you when you try to set boundaries.

How to respond to such distortions. The best way to draw a clear line is to repeat, if necessary, “I didn’t say that. Don't speak for me." If the person continues to accuse you of things you didn't do or say, end the conversation. Don't let the toxic person shift the blame and divert the conversation away from their own destructive behavior or make you feel ashamed for daring to speak the truth.

If you can't avoid interacting with someone (for example, at work), you should briefly and to the point describe what you did or said and end the conversation.

Change of subject to escape responsibility. I call this maneuver the “And you?” syndrome. It implies a digression from the topic under discussion in order to direct attention to a completely different one. Narcissists don't feel like discussing their personal responsibility, so they divert the conversation to avoid the consequences. Do you complain that he does not devote time to children? He will remind you of the mistake in their upbringing that you made ten years ago. Are you making it clear that his lies are unacceptable? He will mark the moment when you resorted to innocent deception in order not to attend a family event. This maneuver has no temporal or thematic limits and often begins with the words: “What about the time you did it?”

How to avoid this maneuver. Don't get distracted. If the toxic person tries to switch things up, use the broken record method described above: keep repeating the facts without going off topic. Move the arrows back, say: “I'm not talking about that now. Let's concentrate on the problem that is relevant at the moment."

Lure and feigned innocence. Toxic people create a false sense of security in order to be even more destructive in their cruelty. Common tactics include provocative remarks, hurtful jokes, labeling, offensive accusations, and unfounded generalizations. A toxic partner may make a casual comment about a co-worker's good looks or make an inappropriate joke about wanting to have an affair. This is a ploy to test your reaction. Once such a person drags you into a senseless, random quarrel, and it will grow like a snowball, because he does not know sympathy and remorse for tactless behavior. Ordinary disagreement can be a bait, and even if you initially hold back as politeness, you will quickly realize that it is driven by a malicious desire to humiliate you. Hidden humiliation disguised as a joke is a way to get deep into your soul, while avoiding responsibility. Such aggressive injections under the guise of a joke skirmish allow the manipulator to say the most terrible things, while maintaining outward innocence and equanimity. However, every time you are outraged by an insensitive, blunt comment, you are accused of having no sense of humor. After all, it's just a joke! Not at all. This is a way to use gaslighting to make you think that such verbal abuse is just a joke: a way to distract you from your opponent's brutality at the expense of your receptivity. Having lured you with a seemingly innocent comment, they begin to play with your emotions. Remember: narcissists know your vulnerabilities, weaknesses, they know what unpleasant phrases will undermine your self-confidence and what topics will open old wounds. They use this knowledge to provoke you. After you swallow the bait whole, the narcissist will calm down and innocently ask if you're okay, assuring that he "didn't mean" to disturb you. This feigned innocence takes you by surprise and makes you believe he didn't really mean to hurt you, until it starts to happen so often that you can no longer deny his obvious intentional cruelty.

How not to fall for the bait. Beware if you are bothered by some rude comment, if someone is playing devil's advocate or inappropriately joking. There is usually a reason for this. This will help to understand at what point they are trying to catch you, and will allow you to stop communication as soon as possible. Trust your intuition: if even after the interlocutor has explained what was said, you feel that you have been humiliated, this is a signal to slowly comprehend the situation before reacting. Not everyone is able to express their disagreement respectfully. Remain vigilant and beware of a possible escalation of the conflict.

Instead of responding directly to the bait, say something like "That's interesting" and end the conversation.

This leaves almost no chance to continue the conversation and does not give the manipulator the emotional response he expects. Certainly, such situations will be repeated. Some toxic people will continue their provocation without even getting any emotional response. In this case, it is important to be able to stand up for yourself and make it clear that you will not tolerate such behavior and immediately end the conversation, finally breaking off the relationship.

Trying to answer manipulative people to their hidden provocations can lead to further gaslighting, but keep your opinion: their behavior is not normal. Be firm by breaking contact with the person who provokes you and encourages you to an emotional reaction. Given your hypersensitivity, it cannot be said that you are "too" sensitive to the provocations of an insensitive person. Your reactions are justified. Trust yourself.

How to use the cleaning method when interacting with a narcissist

Description. If you need to describe a situation to a narcissist, refrain from overly emotional statements and operate with facts, this will help to avoid direct confrontation. If possible, use email or text messages to be able to save correspondence. Narcissists feed on your emotional reactions and love to provoke hypersensitive people. Less emotional receptivity is part of a larger technique known as the "grey stone method." It was invented by the victim of a psychopath - a blogger named Skylar. The essence of this technique is that you begin to play the role of an "inconspicuous gray stone" so that the narcissist stops noticing you and does not seek to actively manipulate you, similar to how a hunted animal pretends to be dead to avoid being pursued by a predator. Using less emotional language can help you a lot, because in this case, the narcissist will not get much return from you and will switch to a more accessible victim of provocation and manipulation. In this case, it is effective to use a calm, reserved, or even unemotional tone of voice when presenting facts, or to give short and dry answers when exchanging text or email messages.

Clear wording. When you explain what the narcissist's behavior problem is, it's important to turn the attention away from yourself and onto the possible consequences. Example: "If you do not stop looking for contact with me, I will have to involve law enforcement." Or you can say directly: "Stop following me." You should do this by email or text message in order to be able to save the correspondence.

Use of boundaries. Express your wish directly, but only once via electronic communication channels. For example, if a married man is looking for communication with you, you can write to him: “I do not start relationships with married people. Please don't mess with me again." If he continues to disturb you, you can block his number and social media accounts. If he uses anonymous accounts or multiple phone numbers, save all information: it may be required for legal purposes.

Thank you. In most cases, when interacting with a narcissist, you should not say words of gratitude: do not put your finger in his mouth - he will bite off his whole hand. However, you can pay attention to your needs. If you need to negotiate in a situation where you cannot permanently end the relationship (for example, at work), find a way to meet your needs in one way or another. For example, if a colleague asks you to do most of the work on a project, tell him that you will do your half after he finishes his. Make sure that there is a factor of responsibility or reciprocity so that the person understands that his needs will be met only after yours.

Hardness. Stick to the facts and your goals, regardless of all the manoeuvres, by which the narcissist tries to manipulate you. For example, if you are gaslighted, you can use the broken record method and repeat the same thing. Another option is not to say anything at all, cut off communication with this person and just remind yourself of the real state of things. Bringing yourself back to reality is just as important, if not more so. You don't need the narcissist's permission to end this interaction and take care of yourself.

Compromise. As a general rule, narcissists are incapable of dissenting peacefully, so don't count on honest negotiations with them. They will be furious if you threaten their sense of permissiveness. However, it is important to find unity with your goals, establish contacts with supportive people, connect external resources and expand your capabilities. No matter how vehemently they push your boundaries, keep doing what you do that is good for you and don't let them get away with it. As you observe and gather information about what is happening, keep all the evidence and remember that the narcissist rarely keeps his word. Strive to achieve wholeness within yourself and steadfastly resist the emotional manipulation that the narcissist is sure to use to get his way.

Active show of force. Faking confidence even when you don't feel it is even more important when dealing with a narcissist who is constantly looking for any vulnerabilities. Avoid direct confrontation whenever possible. If that's not possible, use this interaction to boost your confidence. Get a third party to mediate, witness, or give you courage. If you are usually a quiet and gentle conversationalist, in this case, speak in a firm, dry and unshakable tone. If it helps you, take a "strong posture". Maintain eye contact.

Exit strategy

If you suspect you are dealing with a narcissist, implement the steps below. You can use the acronym SUPPORT to remind yourself of ways out of a situation:

O review instead of blame.

P gradual disappearance.

O

P relationship breakup and safe departure plan.

A careful observation instead of reaction.

Review instead of blame. Narcissists show their true nature more quickly if they think you don't suspect who they really are. A direct confrontation with the narcissist will lead to further manipulation and narcissistic rage, which will get you even more stuck in the cycle of violence. If you suspect that a narcissist is around you, the best option is to mentally prepare for the end of the relationship, while collecting as much information as possible about his character. For example, if you are planning a divorce with a narcissist, do not tell him about it until you have completed all the necessary things: consulting with a divorce lawyer who specializes in working with conflict personalities, contacting a financial adviser who will help you deal with debts and a budget, studying guardianship legislation, opening a separate bank account and finding a place to live. Watch for red flags, and when you notice them, build self-worth by not relying on the narcissist's claims (which will most likely consist of pathological lies, gaslighting, projections, and understatements). His actions and patterns of behavior will tell you much more than any words.

Fading out. Narcissists go berserk when they are ignored and rejected. But instead of directly rejecting them, you can gradually disappear from their lives. Pretend that everything is as usual, but gradually spend less and less of your energy and time on them. Stick to monosyllabic and dry answers in conversations. Step by step, reduce your contribution to the person so that he gets used to the fact that you are not always around. Narcissists cannot stand the lack of attention, so they will try to get narcissistic reinforcement elsewhere.

Excuses. When you gradually disappear from the narcissist's life, it is important to have a convenient excuse - something that he finds plausible enough to explain your withdrawal, not realizing that you are actually pushing him out of your life. Pretend to be very busy with a work project, emphasize how hard you are working on a term paper, talk about a new task that takes up your time. If this causes more rage, move on to the next step.

Relationship breakdown and safe exit plan. Ultimately, you will need a safe escape plan. Speak with a counseling psychologist, your company's human resources officer, or a domestic violence lawyer to develop an escape plan. Depending on the nature of your relationship with the narcissist and whether or not you live together, you may not have to organize as many activities as it seems.

Careful observation instead of reaction. If you are forced to interact with the narcissist even after the end of the relationship (for example, in the case of co-parenting or at family events), you need to keep your emotions under control. As you already know, narcissists love to provoke you. Notice manipulation tactics, give them names, but do not show the expected reactions.

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