What is a perfect marriage like
12 Signs of a Healthy Marriage
In This Article
How do you know if your marriage is in good health or not? This is a question that is certainly worth looking into, especially if you have been wondering along those lines.
Just as it is good to go for a regular physical check-up with your doctor, so it is also good to have a relationship health check-up from time to time to determine if it qualifies as a good marriage.
You may be quite surprised or shocked when you hear what your blood pressure and cholesterol readings are, even though you had not suspected that anything was amiss.
Similarly, when you take a closer look at your marriage health, you may be in for a few surprises.
What does a healthy marriage look like
It takes a lot to have a happy and healthy marriage.
The secret lies in healthy relationship habits and not grand romantic gestures.
By taking an overview of signs of a happy marriage, you will be able to take a definite test of your marital health, rescue your marriage from habits that are starving it from happiness, and give the relationship a staying power.
If as a couple you are in it for a long haul, you must do a marriage check-in with pertinent questions like, “what makes a good marriage?” “Are there any evident signs of a good relationship?”
The following signs of a healthy marriage will give you an idea as to whether or not you enjoy a strong marriage.
1. They cultivate healthy self-acceptance
The first step towards being a good husband or wife is to accept yourself. One of the key signs of a good marriage is cultivating healthy self- acceptance.
When you commit to appreciating and embracing yourself fully along with your strengths and weaknesses, it’s a perfect marriage sign. It is also what makes a healthy marriage, as self-acceptance improves our relationships.
Basically, you need to have a good relationship with yourself, before you can expect to have a good relationship with someone else.
In fact, this goes for all relationships, but especially in marriage. If you feel bad about yourself and you are expecting your spouse to meet all your emotional and self-esteem needs, this is putting an unreasonable and unrealistic burden on your spouse.
Sooner or later you will be disappointed and then you will feel even worse. When you accept yourself as you are, as a work in progress, your motivation will be to give rather than receive, to love and help, rather than want and need.
The amazing thing is that with such an attitude you usually end up being blessed in return, beyond your expectations.
2. They take full responsibility for their own emotions
Emotions play such a vital role in our lives every day. They add color to our relationships – both bright and somber colors, positive and negative.
The healthy way to experience emotions in marriage is when both partners take full responsibility for their own emotions, without blaming each other, and demanding that their partner meets their emotional needs.
Blaming is a favorite tactic of abusers who often say “You made me do it…” It is dangerous to ignore feelings and stuff them down rather than facing them and dealing with them out in the open.
Negative feelings that have been stuffed into the basement of our hearts do not magically disappear – they fester and can even result in “explosions” which cause misery and heartache, sometimes for years to come.
People try all kinds of things to counteract their negative emotions, often leading to addictions and compulsions. In a healthy marriage, emotions are expressed openly and freely, as and when they occur.
One of the signs your marriage will last is the prevalence of open, honest and transparent communication in your relationship.
3. They set and maintain healthy boundaries
Having firm boundaries that are intact and well maintained is one indication of positive marriage fitness.
The first step towards healthy boundaries is figuring out what exactly your boundaries are.
This is different for each person and in a marriage, each spouse needs to know their own personal boundaries, as well as their shared boundaries as a couple.
This covers any and every area from money to personal space, diet or possessions. Boundaries also need to be communicated very clearly to the one concerned, and when violations occur, it is up to you to take appropriate action.
For example, if you lend money to someone, saying that you want it returned within a month, if that does not happen, you would know not to lend to that person again.
4. They deal with conflicts as a team
Yes, it is possible to have healthy conflicts! If someone says, “we have no conflicts at all in our marriage,” that would be cause for serious concern and doubt as to the marriage’s mental health.
In such a case, there is either total apathy or one partner is totally compliant and submissive to the dominating one. Conflict is inevitable when two completely different and separate human beings decide to live their lives in close proximity and intimacy.
Healthy conflict occurs when the issues are addressed, without attacking the person and character of your loved one.
In healthy conflicts, the focus is on dealing with the issue and repairing the relationship.
It’s not about winning the argument or scoring points. It’s about overcoming an obstacle so that you can grow even closer to one another than you were before.
The best sign of a healthy relationship is your ability as a couple to problem-solve as a team.
You may perceive a situation differently, but when you see and hear your partner’s viewpoint, you are willing to walk that extra mile and meet the middle ground.
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5. They have fun together
Marriage is healthy when you can have fun together and you look forward to being with your spouse and doing things you enjoy with each other.
Sometimes married life can become so hectically busy and so full of stress and tension that the element of fun is lost.
This is a tragic loss, and every effort should be made to regain some of the playfulness and light-hearted fun that you may have enjoyed at the beginning of your relationship.
Sign up for a class together or go ice-skating, or watch a comedy together, and bring some healthy fun into your marriage.
6. They support each other
What makes a great marriage?
In a healthy marriage, a couple is supported by a partner who listens, respects, shares, and practices open and honest communication. They exhibit a willingness to compromise and are open to constructive criticism.
In a healthy marriage, a couple feels happy and safe with their spouse.
Having a good support structure in your marriage is essential to a healthy relationship. When a husband and wife become insular and isolated to the extent that they have few outside relationships, it is an unhealthy sign.
Abusive relationships are almost always characterized by isolation. The abuser isolates his spouse so that she feels she has “no one to go to”.
In a healthy marriage, both partners enjoy many and varied friendships with others, whether it is family members, fellow church members or work colleagues and friends.
7. They don’t assume what their partner is thinking
Refrain from jumping to conclusions or having preconceived notions about what your partner is thinking or feeling.
Take the initiative to inquire about the situation, to factor in all angles and don’t assume what your partner is feeling be patient while listening to them without any judgments.
As a couple, focus on the context of the argument at hand, stay away from making sweeping generalizations.
8. They mean it when they say sorry
Mature couples are able to recognize their role in their partner’s pain.
They do not make a half-baked attempt at apologizing by saying, ” I am sorry, you feel that way.”
Their apology expresses empathy and compassion for their partner, it reflects their remorse on the wrongdoings and shows that they are willing to work at repairing the damage.
They take corrective steps to make sure it doesn’t happen again.
9. They feel as though their partner is their safety net
Life throws curveballs at all times. One of the biggest advantages of a healthy marriage is basking in the comfort of knowing someone is there to watch your back.
In healthy marriages, successful couples aim at lessening the burden rather than adding to it. Your marriage is not in a good place, if all your spouse does is add to your woes or complicate an already difficult situation for you.
They make their partner laugh at trivial issues, and look at a challenging situation from the tilted lens of a magnifying glass, to diffuse its enormity.
In a happy relationship, partners come to a consensus of reaching a solution to a problem and not aggravating it. They don’t take their partner for granted and render emotional safety to their spouse.
10. Their sex life is thriving
This is one is no brainer. Sex is meaningful, cathartic and fun – all of this and more when a couple is enjoying a healthy marriage.
We are not saying sex is everything, or even that it is overrated. But, undervaluing sex in a marriage is not a sign of a healthy marriage.
If both partners are agreeable in a sexless marriage, it is not much of a call of concern, however, if any of the partners is feeling frustrated with lack of intimacy in marriage, it can eat away at the strength of the marriage and even lead to infidelity.
Sex fosters intimacy and is the most intimate physical act, you and your partner can experience to feel connected.
11. Their house is bursting with positive energy
A healthy house is always bursting with energy. There is always a buzz with a quality conversation or a fun banter happening back and forth.
You find a way to connect with your spouse on myriad topics. You share delightful heart to heart conversations, and there is a strong presence of emotional connection and vivacity.
Conversely, a silent house with a silent marriage is a bad alliance. If the deadly silence is corrupting your marriage, find a way to connect with your significant other.
Ask questions, interact on topical issues, vacations, kids, everyday challenges or even exchange a review on a movie, if you want to keep it light. Here are some conversation starters for couples to reconnect.
12. They don’t hold on to grudges
One thing that sets a healthy marriage apart from an unhealthy marriage is a couple’s ability to let go of the trivial issues.
Mistakes and fights are not exclusive to any marriage. It’s par for the course, but it is equally important to not let resentment fester.
Refrain from shaming your partner for their oversight and let your actions demonstrate your love and understanding. The ability to let go of past transgressions is the hallmark of a mature couple.
Don’t be a grievance collector or a power grabber. Successful couples work through their differences and move forward with lessons learned.
The healthiest couples aim at a mindful conversation where they express their predicament, a resolution to not reprise the mistake, accept the apology, and let go, to continue living in the present.
If you discover that these powerful indicators of a healthy marriage are not present to any great extent in your relationship, please don’t ignore the red flags that you see and don’t hesitate to seek professional help.
If you are still not sure whether or not you need help, you might like to search the internet for a marriage health quiz which will give you further feedback. There is help available, and there is no need to settle for less when you can have the best.
7 Signs of a Rock-Solid Relationship
In an interview years ago, Jane Pauley asked family and relationship researcher John DeFrain, Ph.D., what he thought was the major cause of divorce in America. “Marriage” was his response. He wasn’t trying to be flippant (well, maybe a little), but rather, he was acknowledging the many obstacles to happy, long-term unions.
Marriage is “putting two people together under the same roof and dumping all the problems of the world on top of their heads,” says DeFrain, professor emeritus of family studies at the University of Nebraska and the author of more than 20 books, including a study of strength and resilience of more than 30 families around the world that he co-authored with Sylvia Asay, Ph.
D.
“Society is set up to satisfy business interests, not family interests,” DeFrain, now in his 70s, continues. “There are all these forces against couples and families and they don’t have any organization to protect them. They don’t have allies like a union or party; they have to figure it all out themselves.”
So how do happy marriages stay happy? What qualities help a marriage endure? Researchers like DeFrain have spent decades publishing studies dissecting marriages to figure out what works to keep couples happy for the long haul. Here’s what DeFrain and couples therapists say is truly essential for happy, long-term marriages.
1. They are friends — and have friendsMarriage researcher John Gottman developed an infographic of a “sound relationship house” containing the elements of successful relationships, says certified Gottman therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist Dana McNeil. Three things on the lower level — caring, fondness and admiration — are essential for building the friendship important for the house’s foundation, McNeil says.
“Like a real house, if something is going on with the slab or in the crawl space and you try to put the enormous weight of a house on it, you’re asking too much of the foundation and will have problems,” McNeil says. “Those three things go into the basis of friendship, which gives us the foundation to build upon.”
The increased life satisfaction researchers have associated with married people was twice as great when participants felt their spouses were their best friends, according to a study published in 2014. DeFrain has made similar observations in his work.
“Having studied great marriages for eight years, it boils down to simply that best friends don’t do bad things to each other.,” he says. “They wouldn’t think of it.”
It’s important to remember, however, that best friend shouldn’t mean only friend. Couples need to have space from each other, DeFrain says, and notes, “Oak trees won’t grow in each other’s shadow.”
In addition to alone time, having reliable friends and family help buffer people through storms, adds Justin Lavner, Ph.
D., family researcher and associate professor at the University of Georgia.
2. They think like a team
Teamwork really does make the marital dream work. People in successful relationships feel supported and assured that their partner will always be on their side, McNeil says. In a true partnership, you hurt when your partner hurts, and a problem for one of you is a problem for both of you.
“It’s not codependent but interdependent,” she says. “It’s thinking, ‘My life wouldn’t be the same without you’ and ‘I know what to expect with you even though the entire world is chaotic right now.’”
Consistency and empathy are essential in true partnerships, McNeil says. If your partner asks for a hug after a rough day and half the time you’re happy to do it but sometimes you snap at her that you’re busy, for example, she’ll learn she can’t count on you 100 percent of the time. Attachment injuries, she notes, occur in children when caregivers are inconsistent or sporadic.
“‘Partnership’ is a great word for what two people of any gender would want to have,” says Pellham, New York, social worker and therapist Richard Heller.
“Resilience in relationships to a large extent are based on agreement, understanding your network of support, and a basic sense of well-being.”
Couples who don’t feel quite there in their own relationships can learn to model healthy partnerships, Heller says. But what can stand in the way is an antiquated idea that the husband is “the boss” in the relationship, DeFrain says. The boss-employee relationship has little in common with the kind of partnership necessary for happy marriages.
“You don’t communicate positively with your boss, and you’re not really committed to your boss,” he says. “You just do what you have to do to make them happy.”
3. They accentuate the positiveNatural optimism is an extremely valuable asset in marriages. Married optimists engaged in more positive problem-solving strategies when there was conflict and showed less decline in marital well-being one year into the marriage, the authors of a 2013 study found. Another study concluded that reacting positively to positive news their partners shared was more predictive of relationship satisfaction than men’s responses to bad news, according to research published in 2006.
If you’re not a born optimist, some research suggests you might grow a little sunnier later in life: In a study of long-term marriages, researchers at Northwestern University and the University of California, Berkeley, found that positive emotions increase and negative emotions decrease with age.
Practicing gratitude is a good way to learn the ways of the optimist. Gratitude appears to function as a “booster shot” for romantic relationships, according to a study published in Personal Relationships in 2010. When partners felt more gratitude toward their partners, they felt better about their relationships and more connected to their partners, not only on that day but the following day as well, the authors noted.
Another simple way to think about it is to practice what many people are taught in grade school: Put yourself in the other person’s shoes, McNeil says.
Part of having a positive perspective, per McNeil, is asking, ‘Do I give you the benefit of doubt? Can I be ‘curious instead of furious’ when conflicts arise?’
4.
They know how to manage stressUnsurprisingly, stress management is one of the six areas identified as crucial to family harmony, DeFrain noted in his book Strong Families Around the World.
Your personality traits and attachment style have a lot to do with how you deal with stress, which in turn affects how you behave in relationships, Lavner adds.
“What’s interesting is people often aren’t aware of how stress is affecting them,” Lavner says. “For a lot of couples, stress can be very impairing for the relationship.”
Therefore, a first step in couples therapy is getting them to understand how stress affects them physiologically, McNeil says.
“When your heart rate is over 100 beats per second, your cognitive functioning is impaired,” she says. “Before we start learning any tools, you have to have an understanding of the physiological impact conflict is having on your body.”
That stress-affected state is when couples say horrible things to each other, McNeil says.
Once couples start recognizing how stress feels in their bodies, they can learn strategies to calm themselves down.
An important piece of conflict management is accepting the unfixable, which according to the Gottman Institute is 69 percent of conflict in marriages. Every couple has “one special argument” they tend to return to time and again, Heller says. Breaking that pattern requires “stepping back and monitoring that critical voice we carry inside of us and not allowing it to dominate,” he says.
To do that, couples also need to understand their individual characteristics, which include personality traits and attachment styles. Individual characteristics are one of the broad domains that affect the quality of relationships, Lavner says.
In addition to understanding your own way of reacting to things, try to understand who your partner is and why they act the way they do. For example, someone might resent a partner for never wanting to hold hands in public and say that makes them feel unloved.
But it could be that the person just doesn’t like a lot of touching and prefers more space, he says.
“Part of it is helping couples better understand where the other is coming from,” Lavner says. “Then the hand holding doesn’t bother you anymore because you’ve figured out how to show each other affection in other ways.”
Hand holding in this example is a manifestation of a “core theme” for a couple, such as “How much closeness do I want, and how much distance do you want?” he says. Much like how arguments about dirty dishes might mask deeper issues about how a couple shares household duties.
“Therapists will have couples talk about specifics, but more as a way of getting at some of those deeper issues,” Lavner says. “Unless you deal with the underlying themes of conflict, you’re just playing Whack-a-Mole.”
6. They enjoy spending time together
This one might sound like a no-brainer, but think about it: You probably know at least one couple who doesn’t seem to enjoy doing anything together.
Maybe all she wants to do with her free time is play video games and her husband gets frustrated trying to get her to engage with others at social functions. Or eating out is miserable because he always complains how much everything costs. Maybe they take the kids to the park, but the focus is the children’s safety and enjoyment, and their presence together as a couple is incidental.
Couples who enjoy spending time together are ahead of the game, as it’s another of the six important elements of resilient families DeFrain identified. In addition, a recent study found that playfulness helps keep romantic relationships healthy. It encourages positive interactions between partners by helping them deal with stress and defuse conflicts.
Most parents figure out how to attend to their kids and their jobs pretty well, DeFrain says, but might wind up scrimping on the marriage.
“Someone might say, ‘He or she is an adult, they don’t need me like the children do,’” he says. “But it helps to literally put the health of your personal relationship on the schedule somehow,” such as regular date nights or even putting sex on the calendar.
No, this doesn’t mean you have to be aligned on everything. That’s silly and doesn’t allow room for growth. But you have to have some shared values, DeFrain says, which he describes as “a deep narrative in your heart about how the world works and how you want to live.”
Creating shared meaning is the top layer of the sound relationship house, McNeil says. It doesn’t necessarily have to be religion.
“What I’ve seen work for couples is when they have the same vision at the heart of relationship,” Heller says. “Couples can have completely different interests but have a shared primary mission, whatever that means to them. It could be the environment, religion, racial equality.”
Like a strong house built on a sound foundation, these elements of happy marriages support each other, DeFrain says.
If couples are committed to each other, for example, they’re more likely to have positive communication. “And with commitment,” says DeFrain, “they treat the family like the center of their world.
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This article was originally published on
Ideal marriage: is happiness possible according to the instructions?
Man and woman
We are fascinated by these couples: they have lived together for a whole life, and still hold hands. How do they do it? Maybe they know the special secret of a long-lasting marriage? But they only smile back: no, we live as best we can...
It used to be easier. Not that it's better, but simpler: the marriage of the spouses was neither the embodiment of love, nor a way of self-realization. A stronghold of the religious and social order, it was directly intended for procreation and the conclusion of property unions. That, in fact, is all. No special fervor of passion (well, unless you're lucky), but convenience and, possibly, affection.
But only until one of the spouses suddenly fell in love - as happened with Anna Karenina, Madame Bovary and the heroines of other novels.
At a certain stage in the development of society, the reasonable and boring device of marriage, which existed for centuries, could not withstand the blows that fell on it one after another: the legalization of divorce, the movement for women's equality, the desire of women to enjoy sex, finally, effective contraception ... So the dawn rose new era - the era of love marriages.
In search of ideal love
“Yesterday, no one thought about it, but today love has become a duty for spouses,” writes the philosopher Pascal Brückner in his scathing essay “Love Marriage Failed?”. - We have moved from one dogma to another: marriage of convenience is now “not right”, only mutual feelings are a guarantee of prosperity. Marriage was a dungeon - we destroyed it and from now on we carry the prison of "ideal love" already inside ourselves.
Just don't think that we want to return to the times when the union was concluded by the families of the bride and groom! But the fact remains: love has introduced irrationality into the life of a couple, forced us to idealize the other and project our desires onto him.
And after that, anxiety came: how to support this alchemy of feelings, over which we have no control? Anxiety will only increase if we realize that today love serves us, in fact, the only standard of happiness. Moreover, it depends on her whether we consider our whole life to be successful as well!
Psychological observations have imperceptibly turned into standards
According to the VTsIOM data for January-February 2010, 70% of our fellow citizens are worried that it is difficult to find a life partner today. And based on the November 2011 Tiburon Research “Attitudes to Marriage” survey commissioned by Psychologies, it became known that 57% of divorced people at the time of marriage hoped that “this is for life.”
To ease their anxiety, many have gone to seek answers from those who are willing to instruct and teach. Reveal techniques, recipes, secrets to us - they asked writers, psychologists, coaches ... And they answered: of course! Here is marriage in the form of rules in a beautiful cover.
Open a women's magazine, or rather go to a bookstore and buy the bestsellers "Happiness Together", "How to Become the Perfect Couple" or "Ten Steps to Family Paradise" ... It would seem that everything is already clear, it remains only to use the right recipe.
The secret formula of love and happiness
But let's leave the irony behind. We wanted instructions? Psychologists explained everything to us in detail. For example, that relationships in a lasting union always go through four stages. It's like the stages in a child's development: symbiosis (the merging of two), differentiation (defining boundaries), learning (when everyone's attention is directed to the outside world), and establishing (finally!) relationships.
At each of these stages, the risk of parting inevitably arises. Note that these psychological observations imperceptibly turned into standards. Anyone who hasn't done it is out of the game. And then, please, you can try again, with another partner.
And this is very useful, since the entire modern world is literally saturated with the logic of consumption: if you don't like it, we'll change it to something else. “Why date the first person you meet when the second one is made for you!” - inspires advertising dating site.
Today, from this mixture of misunderstood (but often sounded) psychological terms and the hope that life in a couple brings eternal pleasure, many prejudices have arisen. On the basis of which we often build our married life - and this is not at all as harmless as it might seem.
A happy couple has only one secret to share: to make up the rules of the game with enthusiasm
There is a whole list of things that partners “should” if they want to live happily ever after: do not try to re-educate each other, always support sexual desire, beware “mergers”, discuss their relationship, make sure that children do not violate their intimacy .
.. And all this, of course, should be done easily, constantly and very sincerely!
“Oh no!” - object to us those who managed to maintain relationships for many years. Without caring too much about “the right way”, they managed to create alliances that last for seven years, and nine, and more than thirty ... They are confident that they have found the best path - their own. Such as he is, but he is only theirs, and they walk along him, embracing, further and further.
And you know what? Psychologists seem to agree with them: each of us is able to create our own formula for love and happiness. Because a happy couple has only one secret to share: to invent the rules of the game with enthusiasm. Making every effort to refute the most harmful of the common truths - that "love lives for three years." Well, we argue, which is more?
John Gottman, psychologist
“The idea that you can save your family just by learning to communicate more empathetically is probably the most common misconception about happy marriages.
But hardly the only one, writes Gottman in The Map of Love. - Over the years, I have discovered many other myths ... Some researchers believe that successful marriages are distinguished from unsuccessful ones by the fact that one spouse responds positively to the advances of the other. When one person helps another with cleaning, the other person reciprocates, and so on.
In essence, the couple operates under an unwritten agreement to repay every pleasant word or deed. However, a truly unhappy marriage is one where compensation rules apply, that is, everyone feels the need to keep an account: who did what and for whom. Happy spouses don't keep records such as whether the husband does the dishes as compensation for cooking dinner. They just do it because they have general positive emotions for each other and for their relationship.”
Photo source: Getty Images
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5 secrets of an ideal marriage - Women's magazine "GOLD"
All happy families really look alike - because they know these secrets of a long happy relationship.
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Trust above all
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The atmosphere that prevails in a family is of great importance for the quality of relationships and in every sense affects their duration. Psychologists agree that when two people are comfortable and calm next to each other, they will hold on tightly to this union. And without trust, this harmony is almost impossible to achieve. Therefore, instead of baseless suspicions and doubts, learn to build an open and honest dialogue.
Read also: Mendelssohn's March - 5 sure signs that it's time for you to get married >>>
destroy love. To prevent this from happening, do not make it a habit to control every step of the second half in an attempt to catch him in a lie.
It is better to multiply positive emotions between you. At the same time, never be silent about what really worries you. This is the only way to create a truly trusting relationship.
Hug more often
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Strange as it may seem, it really works, and at any age. It is constant tactile contact that helps to live in a sense of love and closeness, even for those who have long passed the milestone of a golden wedding. However, many couples who have been together for a long time sometimes begin to think that hugging and kissing the other half is no longer necessary every day. And very in vain!
Read also: Test of strength - 5 situations in which you need to be before the wedding >>>
It is scientifically proven that during hugs or gentle touches, the hormone oxytocin is released, which forms attachment and special warm relationships between people. Therefore, in order to carry love through the years, hug each other more often and hold hands.
Such moments of care and tenderness keep a truly reverent relationship.
Say "thank you" to each other
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The ability to appreciate a partner and be grateful to him is an important part of a happy strong marriage. But it happens that over time we get used to each other and get used to each other so much that we stop noticing many gestures of care or help. Spouses begin to take them for granted, completely forgetting about the simple and magical word “thank you”.
Read also: The 2-2-2 Rule is the simple secret to a strong relationship >>>
Even if it seems to you that you already understand each other without words and all thanks have been voiced for a long time, you should not neglect this simple step. After all, when we feel our value and significance, even if expressed verbally, it inspires and uplifts. You can thank not only for something global, but even for little things, like removed socks or help with shopping.
Swear right
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Love is corroded not only by routine and everyday life, but also by constant mutual claims and insults. Conflicts that flow smoothly into swearing or vice versa into unspoken claims threaten to cause love to simply fade away in the end. And although disputes or misunderstandings can arise in any normal couple, it is important to be able to resolve them correctly and in a timely manner. This is where endurance and mutual respect will help you.
Read also: Happily ever after - 5 do's and don'ts in relationships >>>
Calm conversations without shouting and insults, where you jointly solve a problem that has arisen and listen to each other - ideal in case of an imminent conflict. And it’s even better not to accumulate discontent and not wait for the peak situation, but immediately say what upsets or confuses. Through dialogue, you can magically avoid negative situations and live a truly happy life.
