What is a narcissists biggest fear

Like clockwork in the face of any perceived threat, narcissistic defenses take over, swooping in to attack and belittle others while inflating and reassuring a narcissist’s ego that he or she is “fairest of them all.”

Narcissists are loath to admit, let alone embrace, that being human means making mistakes, having doubts, possessing imperfections and at times feeling lonely, heartbroken, and bad about ourselves. To a narcissist, making mistakes or feeling self-doubt would mean that he or she is illegitimate, inferior or weak.

Narcissists also tend to feel personally affronted by universal truths that few of us like but most of us come to accept: We all have limitations. We all suffer losses. There will always someone better, richer or prettier. We cant always get everything we want.

Operating on emotions and instinct, narcissists live in a state of constant readiness, feeling they must spot every potential attack, take advantage of every opportunity, and win every contest.

If such an existence sounds exhausting, it is. But narcissists are experts at off-loading their exhaustion along with other difficult and unsavory aspects of their inner worlds onto those around them. They use projection, manipulation, put-downs, intimidation and bullying. That is why the people around narcissists often end up more exhausted than the narcissist.

Of course, the irony is that a truly superior person doesnt need to put others down to shore up self-esteem. Insults and ceaseless self-promotion are trademarks of people who fear that they are inferior, not superior.

Knowing all this about the narcissistic people in your life can be freeing.

Understanding the exhausting, never-ending treadmill they are on may help you have compassion for them.

Knowing their deep sense of deprivation and dread of looking bad can help you understand why they seem incapable of compassion, empathy and cooperation.

Recognizing their terror of being found out can help you understand why their narcissistic rage is triggered by seemingly the most benign of events.

Understanding narcissists’ fear of being seen as ordinary can help you try to steer clear of triggering land mines in their psyche, although there are so many triggers for narcissists it is impossible to avoid them all.

What is possible, however, is honestly asking yourself whether it is worth it and at what cost to spend a minute more than necessary around an unhealthy narcissistic person.

Painful path of the narcissist | 72.ru

Share

So you want to become someone significant, important, memorable! Everyone wants it, I assure you. If you don’t become famous all over the world and enter the annals, then at least have a small, but unique feature. Well, at least somehow in a special way to cook borscht, tell jokes or even get sick.

A psychological feature inherent in everyone, what can you do... People are divided into those who recognize this in themselves, and those who, for some mysterious reason, do not yet want to admit it. Feeling unique is so “right” from a psychological point of view. But some of us have a certain predisposition to consider ourselves not just unique, but unique in our greatness or our insignificance. Inside each of us lives a narcissist, but how he lives there - that is the question. nine0003

Everyone has narcissistic traits. They are just expressed to varying degrees. And to varying degrees they interfere or help to live. The system of education, the peculiarities of the mentality, the values ​​of society - literally everything contributes to the fact that narcissism as a psychological feature or even as a pathological character flourishes and takes root deeper and deeper. In everyday life, a narcissist is usually called a person who is narcissistic, selfish, fixated on himself. Almost everyone remembers from school lessons the myth of Narcissus, who died untimely from boundless love for himself, and about the woman who punished him, forcing him to die from narcissism over the clear waters of the stream. nine0003

Symptoms of narcissism

In psychology, we talk more about narcissistic disorders or narcissistic character, which only remotely resemble the everyday idea of ​​a young man from ancient Greek myth. So, the classic symptoms of narcissism.

1. Feeling of inner emptiness. The narcissist himself describes it this way: “It is a vacuum, an emptiness, always whistling in you, always chilling your back. And whatever you do, whatever you achieve, everything falls into this black hole. All the time there is an illusion that the hole is about to be filled, of course, not by a series of small victories and small achievements that no one needs, but by something great. Only a grand victory can plug this hole forever! That's why I refuse small victories: what's the point if they do not bring deliverance, if they do not fill and patch holes in me. That is why I am waiting for a big victory, as salvation, as a reward for my torment. nine0003

Everything comes from childhood, including the “narcissistic hole”. If we were once loved for our accomplishments, our functionality, then it's no surprise that as we grow up, we're left with the feeling that we'll only be loved if we become "perfect function." The function “child” or “my son”, “my daughter” can include anything, but, as a rule, it includes performing very specific tasks: doing homework, getting “five”, cleaning the apartment, acting in accordance with parental expectations (often contradictory). nine0003

2. Valuation and depreciation. A person with narcissistic disorders tends to constantly evaluate everyone around, compare himself with others. After all, that's what his parents did to him. They endlessly evaluated his actions and actions, and also compared him with other children, set someone as an example to him in the hope that the future narcissist would improve and be equal to positive examples.

As a result, the first thing the parents achieved was to make their child eternally dependent on external evaluation, constantly ready to issue a critical remark both in his address and in relation to the whole world. As a result, the narcissist is usually dissatisfied with himself and the world around him. Secondly, they did not teach him to look for himself, to be aware of his own characteristics, and in accordance with this, choose his niche for self-realization, but taught him to endlessly compare himself with someone, and since the criteria are high, the comparison is usually not in his favor. . This inevitably gave rise to a hidden conflict in the child: on the one hand, he wanted to feel unique and inimitable, on the other hand, he quickly got used to comparison, which means that he is just “one of”, and besides, as a rule, he does not the best. nine0003

Parents often mistakenly believe that only a child who is praised a lot can become a narcissist. This is definitely a delusion. It is not necessary to praise at all, it is enough to evaluate and compare, focusing mainly on the achievements of the child, and not on himself. Since the little narcissist has received the message from his parents that he is never good enough and not successful enough, he develops a mechanism called devaluation. Everything that is achieved by hard work or often incredible efforts (after all, he strives for perfection, and perfection is simply not given), all this is recognized only today, and tomorrow it means nothing. nine0003

Only a few years will pass, and for an already matured narcissist, a successfully made film, a brilliant book, a magnificent picture, a Nobel Prize will only matter at the moment of recognition, just a few minutes or days he will consider himself worthy and successful. The next day, he will again begin to consider himself completely mediocre, unable to do anything, starting everything from a “white sheet”.

Very often the narcissist tries to save himself from the ubiquitous devaluation and the all-pervading emptiness by trying to fill his inner hole with cars, apartments, careers, status, money, power. But his personal tragedy is that it is always not enough for him, and the more ways and means he has already tried to plug the hole, the less chance he has. That is why the suffering of narcissists, who “already have everything”, is the most powerful and suffocating. nine0003

3. Large amplitude pendulum. The narcissist is basically in two polar states. He is either divinely beautiful and omnipotent (during periods of recognition of his achievements), then he is a complete failure and insignificance (during periods of his mistakes or non-recognition). Exactly. The polarity is not “good - bad”, but “divinely cool - complete insignificance”. And therefore, he can often easily and imperceptibly for himself and those around him find himself in any of these states. The toggle switch for switching the state is always the same: external or internal assessment, one way or another connected with external recognition or self-recognition. nine0003

The pendulum, on the one hand, makes the life of a narcissist emotionally bright and rich. From the constant change of confessions and non-recognitions, he either plunges into the depths of suffering, then takes off into the skies of euphoria. But on the other hand, the greater the amplitude, the greater the depletion. Such clients are more likely to be in a debilitating depression, because during periods of rare euphoria they are active and spend a lot of mental and physical strength. And depression is often the only way to “ground yourself”, accumulate strength, justify your own inaction, behind which, in fact, is the fear of once again experiencing disappointment from your own failure. nine0003

It is important to understand that it is really difficult for them to decide on something, the risk of a possible difficult experience of their own insignificance is so great. The older they get, the more difficult it is for them to undertake any undertaking, any new activity, because it seems to them that they must certainly cope with everything, and at once and not just by five, but unattainably flawlessly. And since it is impossible to sit on a bicycle for the first time and immediately go without falling or even wagging the wheel, mistakes are inevitable, they frighten those who want to be "divine" narcissists at all costs. nine0003

Since such people see themselves through two narrow tubes “divine” and “insignificant”, the surrounding world seems to them exactly the same. They are characterized by polar judgments and assessments of people, phenomena, events. They usually either idealize them or "lower them". Moreover, in close relationships with people, idealization is replaced by depreciation successively: first, a person is put on a pedestal, and then he is thrown off it with a deafening roar.

4. Escape from relationships. The narcissist longs for a close, accepting relationship, one that he was never able to build with his own parents. He often strives irresistibly to merge in the secret and unsuccessful hope of having his own "I" through merging with another, while at the same time he has a fear that his "I" during the merger will be absorbed by another and disappear. nine0003

He is never able to fully open up, trust, and it is clear why: in childhood, when he was so open and insecure, he was hurt by the condemnation and criticism of his parents, his "I" was subjectively destroyed by inattention, ignorance, humiliation. For him, to trust means to expose himself to a colossal risk, and therefore the narcissist is more likely to look for those who can merge with him, he is always on guard of his own borders, and merging with him is always illusory.

True intimacy implies a meeting of two deep and authentic "I", but the "I" of the narcissist is alienated from himself, instead he feels only emptiness, and therefore meeting with him is impossible. The partner in the relationship suspects the presence of the true "I" of the narcissist and he really wants to "get" to him. This is why daffodils are so attractive. Their partners are "intrigued" by the invisible, but somewhere present "I", and they diligently "warm up" Kai's frozen heart in the futile hope of meeting. nine0003

Desperate to receive all-encompassing love, which is never able to warm the icy heart, because it is not maternal love, the narcissist begins to seek at least recognition. For this, he does not need close relationships, for this he needs fans. A change of admirers or admirers is what the narcissist usually stops at.

The tragedy and joys of the "flower"

The tragedy of the narcissist lies in the impossibility of recognizing and appropriating his true "I" (or the severe difficulty of this process). Disconnected from himself, the "I" creates a feeling of emptiness and lack of support, which gives rise to basic insecurity and anxiety in the narcissist. He is forced to rely on the assessments of the outside world, and they are always contradictory and constantly replace each other. From these assessments, he seeks to mold his image, but it falls apart due to their inconsistency and total subjectivity. Therefore, he is never completely sure of himself, does not know what he can do, what he is and whether he has "the right to live with his head held high. " nine0003

Brief joy of the narcissist: victory, triumph, achievement, recognition. At these moments, he understands that he does not just have the “right to live”, but is omnipotent, especially smart, beautiful, insightful, that he has created something that will now allow him to feel not just good, but great for the rest of his life. Joy is strong, but short-lived, from a few minutes to several weeks. Then - a crushing collapse and again a sucking emptiness inside.

The main pain: strong, constant and deep suffering from the imperfection of the world - from inaccuracies, flaws, oversights, militant stupidity, unaesthetic, vulgarity, vulgarity, that simplicity that is worse than theft. An oppressive feeling of impotence from the impossibility of creating your own "correct and just" world. Escape of finality, difficulty in completing something, incredible effort to start something, fear of change. nine0003

Often experienced feelings

Shame - as a total feeling of one's own badness, uselessness, worthlessness, worthlessness. The "inner critic" of the narcissist is constantly on guard, not a single movement of the soul, not a single deed, action, deed will be hidden from his critical gaze. Inaction, by the way, is also followed by a strict condemnation from this never-sleeping inner character. The “accuser” inside the narcissist has long taken possession of almost the entire internal space and is conducting his strict court in violation of all legal norms (that is, bypassing the internal judge and lawyer). Once such an accuser was one of the parents of the narcissist, now he is doing just fine without outside help, now his inner critic is a reliable and eternal generator of shame. nine0003

The narcissist is accustomed to pushing shame to the back of his consciousness, because he is unbearable, because he is constantly present, it is not even a background, but a constant figure through which he looks at the world. Meeting a psychotherapist or counseling psychologist is an inevitable meeting with one's own shame, which is why narcissists often bypass our offices for many years, and if they find themselves in them, they drag a huge shield of shame and anger in front of them, protecting them from the horror of "exposure". ". nine0003

Guilt is also a permanent feeling in the narcissist. Moreover, it is characterized by all three types of guilt. Real guilt will haunt him after his critical assessments reach the ears of his loved ones, and he will face their reaction, which is not always accepting of these assessments. Neurotic guilt is present in his life, because he did not fully meet the expectations of his parents, and even his own.

Ontological guilt will also always be in the background, because, due to the inability to connect with his true "I", the narcissist, most likely, will not be able to become what he could become, which means that he will never be able to "reincarnate". For all his life, he may never know who he is and who he should be by nature, what to do. Which is not surprising, since his parents saw in him only a function of applying their parental expectations, visions, needs. nine0003

As you know, guilt, constantly carried in oneself, often calls for release, therefore, narcissists, tired of constant self-accusation, constantly fall into blaming other people. They take the blame outward, forcing their inner critic to turn their backs on self-criticism and focus on the world around them. Fortunately and grief for the narcissist, the world around us is monstrously imperfect and therefore there is always something in it to which accusations and criticism can be directed.

Anxiety is a constant companion of narcissists, which is also not surprising. The lack of internal support, comparing oneself with others, constant readiness for criticism, the inability to finally appropriate one's own merits, resources, previous achievements, experience make the narcissist insecure and anxious. He is always in anticipation of failure, in anticipation of a situation with which he supposedly will not be able to cope. Two evil dwarfs according to J. Hollis - Fear and Inaction - wait for him at the head of the bed every morning and "devour him alive." The fear of meeting the unpredictable and the imperfect often paralyzes the narcissist for months and even years, forcing him to stay where he is: in a bad job, in an uncomfortable apartment, with an "inappropriate" wife. The fear of making a mistake often makes choices impossible, and the fear of being incompetent holds back from development and change. nine0003

The narcissist's main fear is to face his insignificance, uselessness. The fear of being unnoticed or insignificant is even stronger than the fear of rejection. A scolding mother is painful, insulting, but familiar, but ignoring, a message about one's own insignificance is really scary. The narcissist agrees to be guilty, but to make him feel insignificant (and for this he doesn’t need much, he is secretly always ready for this) - publicly expose him, undress and parade him. nine0003

Because all his defenses are working to ensure that he can avoid the feeling of an inner hole and his own alleged insignificance. The narcissist experiences fear in two ways: either he attacks the offender, accusing him of all imaginable and unimaginable sins, or he goes into depression, often accompanied by some kind of psychosomatic illness, since care and care during illness help to heal his spiritual wounds at the same time.

Healthy manifestations of narcissism

• We do not run away from our emptiness and do not fill it with whatever we have to, but courageously dwell in it in an attempt to hear and understand ourselves.

• Our mistakes are accepted by us with regret or repentance, accompanied by an attempt to deal with not only the internal "accuser", but also the "lawyer".

• We may be upset or happy about someone's evaluation, but it does not affect our activity, does not stop or determine it.

• We strive for recognition. But this is not the only purpose of our life. We care not so much about the result as about the process. We are able to enjoy it. nine0003

• Our self-esteem and self-respect can fluctuate within certain limits, but there is a level below which they do not fall and above which they do not “take off”.

• We compete with others, but not to win, but to better understand ourselves, highlight our individuality, originality, niche.

• We are fascinated and disappointed, but we don't idealize or devalue.

• We take credit not only for our mistakes and mistakes, but also for our achievements, successes, qualities of our personality and experience of various shades. nine0003

• In relationships, we build and maintain our boundaries without rejection, maintain our self-respect without demeaning, love without idealizing.

• We do not turn away from the existing, objectionable world, we create our own world by creating.

10 things a narcissist fears the most

If you've ever wondered if narcissists have vulnerabilities, trust me, they do. In any case, they have the following 10 worst nightmares that they fear more than anything. nine0003

1. Being abandoned

It is this fear that drives the narcissist into a rage. If he feels that his victim wants to leave him, he begins to punish her and threaten her. The bad news is that the narcissist knows how to get his way and convince the person to stay with them. Don't make the mistake of believing it's because of their love for you. Unfortunately, a narcissist can only love himself. He will do his best to keep you around for as long as he needs you.

2. Criticism

Narcissists mercilessly criticize everyone, but they themselves are afraid of this in relation to themselves. The typical narcissist, unconsciously or consciously, uses lies as a defense against criticism. Recognizing one's own shortcomings means demonstrating vulnerability to others, and this is incredibly scary for a narcissist.

3. Betrayal

Betrayal is more than just deceit, it is a destructive act. Narcissists in this, by the way, are skilled craftsmen. However, as you might guess, this is also their own worst nightmare. When a narcissist is betrayed, his self-esteem drops, and he loses faith in himself as an "untouchable" and ideal person. nine0003

4. Humiliation

Narcissists have neither compassion nor a healthy sense of humor, but they will easily laugh at you when you feel bad. However, they don't know how to laugh at themselves. Sarcasm and ridicule are just the narcissist's way of protecting themselves. That's why when someone bullies him, he feels insecure and vulnerable.

5. Loneliness

Narcissists feed on praise and compliments. For them, the only source of support for their self-esteem can only be other people. That is why loneliness only increases their insecurity. Narcissists do not know how to love themselves for who they really are and therefore hate being alone because then they will have to face their true selves and their own shortcomings. nine0003

6. To be rejected

To reject a narcissist is to reject the false self that they have so carefully created to impress you. As already mentioned, narcissists are completely dependent on the approval and attention of other people. When you reject him, he is left alone with himself and with his inner emptiness, and this frightens him.

7. Disrespect

Nobody likes to be treated with contempt or disrespect. And with a narcissist, disrespect in his direction even takes the form of a phobia. This is due to the false self that the narcissist must constantly maintain and protect. Contempt for the narcissist is the best thing you can do to protect yourself. nine0003

8. Ignoring

Ignoring the narcissist means depriving his ever-hungry ego of any "nutrition". When ignored, the narcissist actually experiences something akin to a slow death. This is why some narcissists prefer to hate them, but not ignore them, because negative attention is still attention. And without your attention, the self-esteem of the narcissist suffers powerfully.

9. Rebuke

If you blame a narcissist for their toxic behavior, they become furious. This can be expressed both in the form of overt fits of anger, and in more subtle forms, such as boycotting you or gaslighting. The narcissist greatly dislikes being accused of his own sins, as this means that he must admit his own imperfection. The narcissist is, of course, aware of his shortcomings, but only on a subconscious level, and he mostly projects them onto other people.

• 
  Dealing with a adhd child
• 
  Narcissistic plays the victim
• 
  Book love is not enough
• 
  Behavior modification for adhd
• 
  Can a narcissist love
• 
  Anxiety or hypoglycemia
• 
  Opposite of deterministic
• 
  Yoga for ptsd
• 
  Common questions about dreams
• 
  Young girls attracted to older men
• 
  Spring break hard