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Verbally abusive parents signs


9 Signs You Have Emotionally Abusive Parents + What To Do

What is emotional abuse?

"Emotional abuse is any nonphysical behavior or attitude that is designed to control, subdue, punish, or isolate another person through the use of humiliation or fear," intimate partner violence experts Günnur Karakurt, Ph.D., LMFT, and Kristin E. Silver write in the Violence and Victims1 journal. "It targets the emotional and psychological well-being of the victim, and it is often a precursor to physical abuse."

Emotional abuse can look like a lot of things, but according to relationship therapist Ken Page, LCSW, it can be defined as anything devaluing, demeaning, or neglectful to another person's feelings or experiences, "which leaves them feeling less-than, ashamed, incapable, and not valuable."

And as psychiatrist Anna Yusim, M.D., previously explained to mbg, emotional abuse often goes hand in hand with verbal abuse, which encompasses the use of words in an attempt to control, manipulate, or harm another.

Signs of emotionally abusive parents:

1.

Neglect

Neglect is defined as a failure to care for something properly, and according to Page, it's one of the main signs of an emotionally abusive parent. Neglect makes the child feel their parent doesn't really care about them, whether it's neglecting their emotional needs (i.e., when they're upset), physical needs (i.e., when they're sick or hungry), or simply disregarding them more often than not.

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2.

Constant criticism or blaming

Constant criticism or blaming can be a form of emotional abuse, according to licensed marriage and family therapist Annette Nuñez, Ph.D., LMFT. As Nuñez previously explained to mbg, having a parent who's always criticizing or blaming you, and never taking accountability for themselves, is emotionally abusive. This can look like the parents playing the victim, saying everything is always the child's fault, and generally avoiding responsibility for their actions.

3.

Inconsistency

Another subtle sign of emotionally abusive parents that's harder to spot is inconsistency. As Page notes, inconsistency based on how the parent is feeling any given time (aka something is OK today, but the same thing gets the child terribly punished tomorrow) can leave a child without any sense of clarity or control.

According to licensed marriage and family therapist Rachel Zar, LMFT, CST, that unpredictable behavior also leads children to feel like they're walking on eggshells in their own home. "Everything can be fine and everyone's got a smile on their face, and then you hit one land mine and everything blows up," she explains.

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4.

Unchecked mental health and/or substance abuse problems

According to Page, any unstable psychiatric disorder, or an active substance addiction, can often result in emotional abuse in significant ways. "You can not have an active substance abuse problem or an untreated serious or unstable serious psychiatric disorder and not cause harm and pain in profound ways to your child," he tells mbg.

5.

Comparisons

Parents who frequently compare their children to siblings, peers, or even themselves, can easily cause harm to their children, Page explains. This can sound like, "Why can't you be more like your brother?" or even, "When I was your age, I would never leave the house looking like that," which can make the child feel they're not lovable or enough just as they are.

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6.

Verbal cruelty

This one might seem obvious, but it's worth calling out. Verbal abuse exists on a spectrum, with subtler forms to overt ones, says Page. "On the extreme end of the spectrum would be verbal cruelty—screaming, yelling, demeaning the person's character, demeaning who they are and demeaning their values—and doing it in an abusive and cruel way. "

7.

Missing children's bids

Page says a parent consistently ignoring their child's bids for attention can be another subtle form of emotional abuse. The idea of "bidding for attention," in this case, would be a child trying to get their parents' recognition, attention, and/or validation.

To have bids ignored constantly, Page says, causes a lot of pain over time. As psychologist and micro-trauma expert Margaret Crastnopol, Ph.D., previously explained to mbg, "By shortening or postponing contact, spreading it out, or minimizing its original importance, the one stepping back from contact inflicts micro-trauma by undercutting the other person psychologically."

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8.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a telltale sign of emotional abuse. It involves psychologically manipulating someone to question their own reality, feelings, and experiences of events, in order to maintain control over that person. It can sound like, "I never said that—you're making it up," or "You're being dramatic about this."

Parents are certainly not immune to gaslighting their children, and as therapist Aki Rosenberg, LMFT, previously told mbg, "Gaslighting at its core is always about self-preservation and the maintenance of power/control—namely, the power/control to construct a narrative that keeps the gaslighter in the 'right' and [the other person] in the 'wrong.'"

(Here's our full guide to gaslighting parents.)

9.

Emotional incest

Lastly, emotional incest, also sometimes called covert incest, is another form of emotional abuse and involves a parent using their child for emotional fulfillment. As clinical sexologist and psychotherapist Robert Weiss, Ph.D., MSW, previously wrote for mbg, "The child is forced to support the abusive adult by serving as a trusted confidante or an 'emotional spouse.'"

Although emotional incest does not involve direct sexual touch, he explains, "these emotional enmeshment relationships have a sexualized undertone, with the parent expressing overly graphic interest in the child's physical development and sexual characteristics or betraying the child's boundaries through invasions of privacy, sexualized conversations, and the like. "

What effects do emotionally abusive parents have?  

Just as emotional abuse exists on a spectrum, so, too, do its effects, which can range from mild to severe, depending on how much abuse a child endured.

Taking a look at the research, one paper published in the Pakistan Journal of Medical Sciences2 concluded that psychological abuse is tied to a variety of problems, including but not limited to post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, personality disorders, low self-esteem, aggression, emotional unresponsiveness, and neuroticism.

As Page explains, children with emotionally abusive parents may suppress themselves, or alternatively, act out on their feelings and impulses. He also notes that as humans, we mirror what was done to us if we haven't processed it. "And that's why the Buddhists say when you heal a family lineage wound like this, you heal seven generations past and seven generations future," he says.

And when children replicate these behaviors, either in the form of negative self-talk or lashing out at others in the way their parents lashed out at them, they're carrying on that family chain. "It keeps the experience of emotional abuse alive in your body, in your heart—because when you talk to yourself that way, your body takes it as truth. And so you are actually replicating the pain of the abuse you experienced in your childhood," Page explains.

Then, of course, we have to consider that these children grow up into adults with their own relationships to tend to. And if the emotional abuse they endured hasn't been dealt with, according to Page, this is when we see things like anxious attachment or avoidant attachment styles, problems with trust and intimacy, and so forth. Adults with emotionally abusive parents may even go on to mirror those same patterns with their own children, as well.

A note on the inevitably of emotional wounding.

Before we get into how to handle emotional abuse from a parent, it's worth noting that no parent gets away without some behavior that causes pain to their child, according to Page. "If you were a perfect parent, you would be cursing your child because they would never be able to free themselves from your perfection, to rebel and break away," he says, adding, "Your child needs to see your brokenness so they can dis-identify with that and say, 'I want to be different. '"

It's inevitable that at one point or another, parents are going to unintentionally harm their children emotionally, he explains. They key, however, is parents recognizing when it's happening, listening to their children, and making adjustments.

"Your child is going to tell you ways you're hurting them, and if it doesn't happen, that's actually really bad," Page explains. "Our job as parents is to turn ourselves inside out and shift character traits that we know are hurting our child. This takes tremendous bravery, but it's also tremendously empowering to the child when they tell you what you're doing is hurting them. And you listen, and you really try to change—that's the concept of 'rupture and repair.' There will be rupture, so what are you willing to do to repair?"

How to get support.

The first step to healing from growing up with emotionally abusive parents is recognizing that it happened (or is still happening) in the first place, which can be tough.

Once you've pinpointed the behaviors that need to be worked on, and if you think your parents will be open enough to hearing you, you can try having an honest dialogue about the way you've been hurt. Page says family therapy can be a really helpful tool in this case.

If family therapy doesn't seem like a real possibility, individual therapy (such as cognitive and/or dialectical behavior therapy, EMDR, or brain spotting) can also be useful. In fact, it may even be beneficial to see a family therapist and a one-on-one therapist, if possible.

And because emotional abuse can wind up bleeding into our other relationships, Page explains, it's also so necessary to find friends who you feel genuinely supported by and safe with. "People who don't replicate that kind of abuse to you are so important because if this is being replicated, you won't be able to heal it," he notes.

If you do all these things and feel like the dynamic in your family isn't changing, from there, it may be time to put some boundaries up. As licensed psychotherapist Babita Spinelli, L.P., previously told mbg, "Really think about the ways you can set boundaries and give yourself permission," adding that if you want to skip a family gathering, keep your distance, and/or stand up for yourself, you have every right to do so.

The takeaway.

Emotional abuse can happen to anyone, at the hands of anyone. No one is immune, and in the case of children with emotionally abusive parents, the ramifications can be extremely harmful. But by identifying how your parents may have abused you emotionally, whether in childhood or still today, you'll be more equipped to heal that trauma within yourself and potentially even your relationship with your parents.

If you are in immediate danger, call 9-1-1. For anonymous and confidential help, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1-800-787-3224) and speak with a trained advocate for free as many times as you need. They're available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You can also speak to them through a live private chat on their website.

15 Signs You Had An Emotionally Abusive Parent But Didn’t Know It

Self

#9: They were over-involved in your life.

by Natalia Lusinski and JR Thorpe

Updated: 

Originally Published: 

Debrocke/ClassicStock/Archive Photos/Getty Images

You might think of your upbringing as healthy, but perhaps there were some signs your mom or dad were not as unconditionally nice as they could have been. Maybe you consistently brushed off their behavior or made excuses for it — “They were just having a bad day.” Or maybe now, as an adult, a friend tells you about their emotionally abusive mother — and their experiences feel eerily familiar. Growing up with an emotionally abusive parent can be confusing. When this realization hits, it can change the way you interpret all your memories of childhood.

“Emotional abuse is often used interchangeably with the term psychological abuse,” Carolyn Cole, LCPC, LMFT, NCC, tells Bustle. "Emotional abuse is abusing someone in ways that can be seen as traumatic. It is making someone feel like they are less-than, worthless, or not good enough. This can be incredibly painful when a parent does this to a child, as a child trusts that a parent is going to love them unconditionally.”

Cole says that once someone is able to understand what they experienced, they can become aware of how it impacts them as an adult. Then they can work with a therapist to make changes in the way they interact with others.

If you’re curious about signs that you had an emotionally abusive parent, below, experts weigh in.

1

They Were Overly Moody

It’s important to recognize how moody your parent was while you were growing up. “If a parent’s mood swings made you feel like you were always walking on eggshells and you were always nervous or scared of what would happen when they were around (even if nothing ‘bad’ ever happened), that’s emotionally abusive behavior,” Christi Garner, LMFT, tells Bustle. “This higher level of stress while growing up causes changes in the body and brain, and can have long-term effects on health."

2

They Were Overly Critical & Negative Toward You

Garner feels that an overly critical parent who focused on the negative things about you counts as emotional abuse. “If you still can hear their negative comments in your mind, and you can trace them back to your parent, or they still say these things to you daily, you know they are taking their negative feelings about themselves out on you, which can lead to self-esteem issues and insecurity," she says.

As a result, as an adult, you may find that it’s hard to turn off the negative self-talk, according to Tom Bruett, MS, LMFT. “Notice if you are extremely hard on yourself,” he tells Bustle. “Typically, it can be the voice of a critical or abusive parent that we have internalized.”

3

They Invalidated Or Dismissed Your Emotions

Just as you’d like a romantic partner to be emotionally available, think back to whether your parent was, too. “One example might be a child being told they are too sensitive,” Cole says. “Another is a child saying they felt like they wanted to harm themselves and being told they are just trying to get attention.”

4

They Were Passive-Aggressive

When someone’s passive-aggressive, they don’t tell you what’s really bothering them. “If you had a parent who was passive-aggressive, pleasant on the surface, but cold underneath, it’s likely a sign of emotional abuse,” psychotherapist Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., tells Bustle.

5

They Were Overly Anxious

“If your parent was overly anxious and always asking for you to help them or take care of them or their needs, the child inherits a piece of that anxiety,” Garner says. “The heightened level of anxiety can also lead to increased levels of cortisol in the child, which has been shown to cause health-related problems later in life.”

6

They Guilted You

You can probably recognize when someone guilts you into doing something, and it’s critical to think back to whether your parent did this, too. “An emotionally abusive parent guilts you,” Cole says. “They may say something like, ‘I gave up so much to have you and you treat me like this.’”

7

They Gave You The Silent Treatment

Isn’t it frustrating when you want to discuss a problem with somebody and they choose to ignore you instead? Well, such is the case with an emotionally abusive parent, too. “They gave you the silent treatment,” Cole says. “If you upset them, they shut down and ignored you until you apologized to them.”

8

They Were Physically Present, But Emotionally Absent

Was your parent there, but not really there? “Another indicator of emotional abuse is if you had a parent who was physically present, but otherwise absent — working on the computer, phone, or locked in a home office, talking to everyone but you, or lost in a drug- or alcohol-induced haze,” Tessina says. “Now, as an adult, you may not know how to interact with people in a healthy way, or you may feel disconnected and lost.”

9

They Were Over-Involved In Your Life

“If your parent was over-involved, to the point of constantly looking through your journals, social media accounts, watching your emails, and always dropping in on your conversations, they might have been emotionally abusive,” Garner says. “Being overly involved in everything you did and not giving you appropriate space (physical, mental, and emotional) could be a sign of enmeshment.”

10

You Blame Yourself For Other People’s Bad Behavior

When someone mistreats you and you blame yourself, not them, it may be another sign your parent was emotionally abusive. “If someone hurts you or treats you badly, that’s on them,” Bruett says. “However, sometimes as children, we learn that we have to put up with people treating us badly in order to survive. As adults, we can recreate these dynamics in other relationships. ”

11

You Exhibit Self-Destructive Behavior(s)

If you’re demonstrating self-destructive behavior, it may be another sign that a parent was emotionally abusive. “Self-destructive behaviors, like addiction, risky sex, or self-harm, can be coping skills for handling big feelings,” Bruett says. “Of course, not all people who exhibit these behaviors have had abusive childhoods, but there is often a higher chance that this is the case.”

12

Deep Down, You Feel Anger Toward Your Parent(s)

To this day, if you still feel anger toward your parent, it may be because of how they acted toward you in the past. “The parent in question may be nice to you now, they may treat you reasonably well, but you have an anger, a rage, or an angst when you think about them,” clinical psychologist Joshua Klapow, Ph.D., tells Bustle. “You may actually not be able to explain why, as you may have blocked out the abusive actions."

13

You Still Fear How Your Parent Will React To Most Of Your Decisions

If you still fear how they’ll react to most of your life decisions, you may have had an emotionally abusive mother or father. “You make decisions on your own, but with the thought and anxiety that your parent won’t approve,” Klapow says. He says this is because a parent who was hypercritical of their children set up a situation where kids become afraid of making choices. “This doesn’t assure that abuse was present, but it’s a sign that the parenting style was harmful.”

14

You Try To Manage Your Partner’s Emotions

Relationship specialist Jen Elmquist, MA, LMFT, believes that a clear indicator that you had an emotionally abusive parent can be found in how you act toward your partner. “When parents struggle to regulate their own emotions, children learn to take care of their feelings for them,” she tells Bustle. “This is a result of being parentified, a role reversal where a child adopts the responsibility of the parent because the parent isn’t capable of managing on their own.”

Elmquist says this may present itself in various ways in your current romantic relationship, including saying "I'm sorry" when you don't mean it, and feeling guilty for no reason.

15

You’re In A Toxic Relationship

If you find you often pick romantic partners that have traits like your parent(s), both good and bad, it’s something to be mindful of, Bruett says. “Oftentimes, we pick partners that make us feel familiar,” he says. “If we came from an abusive or neglectful household, we tend to attract people who will treat us the same way. Of course, you can break the cycle, but the first step is noticing it.”

“Sometimes, people have no idea their parents were emotionally abusive until they get older and learn more about their friends’ or partners’ families,” Cole says. “That’s when they realize that what they experienced wasn’t healthy.”

If you feel some of the signs resonate and that the way you were raised affects your relationships — interpersonal and/or romantic ones — it’s best to seek help via a therapist.

Experts:

Tom Bruett, MS, LMFT.

Carolyn Cole, LCPC, LMFT, NCC

Jen Elmquist, MA, LMFT

Christi Garner, LMFT

Joshua Klapow, Ph. D

Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D.

This article was originally published on

Children and social networks

Children and social networks

(Danilova N. Children and social networks / Natalia Danilova // Schoolchildren's health. - 2018. - No. 4. - C 10-15.)

80% of schoolchildren have accounts in at least one social network. What do children write about on the Internet, what secret life do they lead there from adults? Why are social networks so addictive that the child forgets about food, lessons and sleep? What potential dangers can he face in virtual communication?

_____________________________________________________________________________

The most popular network among Russian schoolchildren is VKontakte . Less often, children register in Odnoklassniki , Increasingly widespread Instagram . Its popularity is quite understandable: on social networks, schoolchildren most often publish photos and videos with short captions - this is quite enough for them. Often the function of social networks is performed by instant messengers - WhatsApp and Viber . Children create groups in them, correspond with each other, upload photos, share videos. In fact, this is an analogue of social networks, with the only difference being that the circle of friends here, as a rule, is limited to familiar people.

Some children start their first account as early as 9-10 years old. What makes them do it so early? If one child in the class opens the page, then the other one hurries after him. Social networks are fashionable, and you can hardly argue with that. By the age of 14, almost all schoolchildren have their own profiles. If you do not have an account, then it is as if you do not exist in the modern world.

Way of communication

Most children admit that they go to social networks to communicate with friends. Most often, “friends” are precisely those with whom schoolchildren see every day. Find out what classmates are doing, arrange a meeting, discuss common acquaintances - all this can be done online. For many children, especially boys, virtual communication is easier than real: there they are more self-confident, more open.

On the Internet, children also discuss school affairs: they post a changed schedule, learn about homework or cancel rehearsal after class. It turns out that the one who reads this correspondence is always aware of the affairs of the class. Sometimes school passions spill out onto the Internet - and then verbal skirmishes begin, caustic comments appear. In essence, the interaction of classmates in the network becomes a reflection of their real relationship with each other in the classroom.

Pupils are not very eager to expand the circle of their virtual friends: about 67% of children personally know everyone they communicate with via the Internet. Sometimes “friends of friends” are among the subscribers - those whom the child has not seen in person, but heard about them from friends. Only 15% of children correspond with people who are absolutely unknown to them in real life. Such communication takes place mainly in thematic communities.

Not for creativity, but for consumption

Adults think that children need social networks for self-expression. Actually this is not true. About 70% of schoolchildren do not write anything at all about themselves and their lives. They go online with a utilitarian purpose - to communicate with friends, listen to music, watch movies. They express their point of view by putting likes or making reposts of interesting, in their opinion, information.

Children are much more likely to post music or videos than to leave notes. About 40% of young users do not have the habit of writing comments at all. Only a third of users post their photos online, and girls do this much more often than boys.

From a legal point of view - at what age is it allowed to open your page? For exact age requirements, see Facebook and Instagram: these networks can be used from the age of 13. You can register on VKontakte from the age of 14. In Odnoklassniki, you can start a page from an even earlier age, the main requirement of the site is to do this with the permission of your parents. However, nothing prevents children from using networks without the knowledge of adults and indicating the age that they consider necessary, because it is not required to enter passport data.

Posts look the same: a photo or video and a short text comment to it. Many entries are of a humorous nature, and children actively use profanity in them.

By subscribing to certain communities, you can easily determine the gender of the child. So, boys are interested in computer games, football, cars, extreme sports, records. Girls' hobbies are beauty secrets, weight loss, design ideas, cooking recipes. Pages dedicated to the relationship between a girl and a guy, between girlfriends are popular among women.

Both boys and girls actively subscribe to humorous pages, tests, horoscopes. Girls already at the age of 12 begin to be interested in communities with discussions about sex, most boys begin to pay attention to this topic later - at about 14 years old.

Schoolchildren love to read action-packed stories with unexpected endings, girls sometimes subscribe to poetry communities. The female gender is more interested in the world of emotions, while boys are more interested in real actions.

(K. N. Polivanova, I. B. Smirnov “What is in my profile for you: VKontakte data as a tool for studying the interests of modern adolescents” // Educational Issues, 2017, No. 2)

Why are the nets so addictive?

Many children spend hours on social networks, forgetting about food, lessons and sleep. Parents are infuriated that they spend so much time on useless activities. But before scolding a child for a long "freeze" on the Internet, you need to understand why this happens. If earlier children from the age of 7 walked alone in the yards, now parents sometimes do not allow this even for 12-year-olds. Schoolchildren rarely visit each other, most of the time they spend alone at home. But children still need to communicate - and they go to the social network to chat with a friend, send a photo of a cat curled up on the window, or pasta cooked for dinner.

Social networks are also needed to increase self-esteem. You post your new photo on the page - and you get a lot of likes from your friends. Even with direct communication, a person would hardly have been given as many compliments as with a virtual one. By the way, not only in children, but also in many adults, the need for social networks is explained by the desire to attract attention. You post a photo of a cake you made yourself, and your friends admire what a good hostess you are. You take pictures with a freshly caught walleye - and everyone sees you as a real fisherman. If a child watches their parents constantly post photos of themselves online to impress their friends, then they do the same. The main thing is to impress others.

It also happens that a child subscribes to a lot of communities, and then flips and flips through an endless feed. He looks at pictures of beautiful cars and dresses, football players and stars, ingenious inventions and amazing landscapes against the background of the sea - and it seems to him that his life is rich and full. With the help of the Internet, he tries to fill the emptiness of everyday life, but, unfortunately, this is just a substitute for real life. Very often, a lot of time is spent on the Internet by those children who have no other activities except school, no hobbies. If a child has a sports section after school, a theater studio or a robotics club, he simply has no time to sit on the Internet for days on end.

What can you advise parents whose child sticks out for hours in social networks? Try to arrange it so that he has the opportunity to communicate a lot with peers offline - invite friends to visit, go for walks together. In addition to school, the child should have classes where he can realize himself - circles, sections, studios. On weekends, it would be nice if you could take the whole family to museums, theaters, cinemas, and hikes. Real life should be interesting and rich - then there will be less desire to disappear in the virtual one.

Beware of cyberbullying!

Social networks can become a platform for cyberbullying - bullying on the Internet. Children write insulting letters to someone they know, make malicious comments under posts, post offensive photos and videos. Usually in social networks is about the same as in real life. If someone is offended by classmates, bullying is often carried over into virtual life. It is easier to humiliate and insult a person at a distance, on a site where adults do not go, and the instigator of bullying often remains unknown.

How to determine that an addiction has appeared

• A student spends almost all his free time online, he uses it wherever he can - at home, at school, in transport.

• If there is no access to the Internet, he gets restless, irritable.

• The child is frequently photographed to post on their page.

• Every day more and more new strangers appear in the list of friends.

• The child checks for new comments or likes even after waking up in the middle of the night.

To prevent a student from becoming a participant in cyberbullying, teach him the correct behavior in social networks. Explain that you can’t write offensive comments, for which you will then have to blush, you can’t upload photos and videos taken on the sly. He is responsible for all his publications on the network, for all likes and reposts - and he must understand this. This is an expression of his point of view, albeit indirectly in some cases.

If a child has become a victim of cyberbullying himself, he should definitely be helped to deal with the situation. Tell him that you should not respond to offensive letters, because the offenders are waiting for a response from him. Take screenshots of pages so you have evidence of bullying. Block the user who sends offensive messages. Notify the administrators of the social network that the rules of their service are being violated. In such cases, drastic measures are usually taken.

Since the situation of bullying is usually not limited to the Internet, it is necessary to understand what the general environment is in the classroom. To do this, you will need to go to the class teacher or school principal (it is better that the child does not know about this). It may be worth seeking help from a school psychologist. Do not leave situations of cyberbullying unattended, because this will lead to a sharp decrease in self-esteem in your child and serious psychological problems in the future.

Dangerous content

There is a lot of useful and necessary information on the Internet, but there is also a lot of what is not intended for the eyes of a child. It is not always that a student himself will guess to look for “forbidden” information, but if a friend shares it on a social network, a desire to see it immediately arises. This is how children end up on pornographic videos, on sites that promote violence, on groups through which they distribute drugs or induce suicide, on Internet resources with gambling for money.

The probability of encountering bad content on the network is very high. It is almost impossible to block all potentially dangerous sites, so here parents need to talk to the child, explain why this is bad. You can say, for example, that getting to know intimate life through a pornographic video is the same as starting to learn Russian with a swear word.

As for the "groups of death", children also fall into them not by chance. A child who joins such a group is already emotionally dysfunctional. He has some insoluble problems: unrequited love, conflicts with classmates or teachers, fear of exams.

It is important that in difficult moments of life a teenager does not go to the Internet to communicate with unfamiliar people, but receives support from parents so that adults help him deal with difficult situations. If he cannot or does not want to discuss some issues with his parents, then he should know that there is a helpline for children and adolescents that works around the clock. Here, a counseling psychologist can help him free of charge and anonymously. Helpline hotline organized by the Foundation for Support of Children in Difficult Life Situations - 8 (800) 200-01-22.

Parent Forums

Marina

My daughter joined the network at the age of 12. I try to keep abreast of her virtual life. Once I looked at what they write to her, and saw offensive comments addressed to her. I had to intervene, explain that it is not necessary to communicate with such people, remove them from my friends - that's all. So it's good to know what's going on there.

Borer

I see what people write online when they are 13-15 years old - such nonsense, just garbage: some scandals, obscenities, skirmishes among themselves, a lot about sex ... Everyone wants to stand out in some way, they show off all in front of each other. But, apparently, you need to get over it, outgrow it.

Mother of two children

I myself helped my son to register in the network at the age of 10. But I know his password, I know all his friends with whom he corresponds. I explained to him how to use it correctly, what can be done and what is not. So far, I do not see anything criminal: well, they correspond with each other, send links to games. Probably just parents should somehow view the page from time to time.

Chris

A friend's daughter at the age of 11 started chatting on social networks with some grown man. A friend discovered this by accident when her daughter forgot to close the page. She looked and was simply horrified: there this man writes such things to her! And the daughter, after all, answers him, as if she already knows everything about sex. And their family is normal, they seem to pay a lot of attention to children. These social networks are just a source of some kind of debauchery! In general, now my friend takes her daughter to a psychologist.

Iriska

My son is 14 years old. I signed up a year ago. But I would not say that he disappears there for hours. So, occasionally he comes to see what classmates write. He is more interested in computer games than all this correspondence. But I would not ban the use of networks. So what? Does he not hear a swear word on the street or does he not know about sex?

Guest

I am 12 years old. My parents did not forbid me to register on the network, on the contrary, they said - you will be closer to classmates. They explained to me that you can’t indicate personal information, you can’t communicate with strangers. My friends are the people I see in my life. It seems to me that if a child is serious, then he can open a page at least 10 years old. But if he is inclined to make suspicious acquaintances, then there is no need to rush, let him communicate in instant messengers.

Angela

I think that you can start a page only from the age of 18. Yes, there is a lot of useful, interesting things on the net, but there is so much vulgarity, cruelty, obscenity! I do not allow my child to register. In my opinion, the usual communication with friends is enough for him.

Oksana, mother of 6th grader Vika:

— I noticed that my daughter became somehow sad, I asked her and found out what was the matter. A girl was transferred to our school, who disliked Vika and began to write nasty things to her on VKontakte - with insults and obscene language. I went to the class teacher and told her about it. She talked with the girls, took them to the school psychologist. It seems that the situation was sorted out, that girl deleted the offensive posts.

But after a couple of days everything started again. I myself could not stand it anymore and wrote to the offender in a personal message so that she would find an interesting business for herself and get behind my daughter. The girl chuckled in response. I took screenshots of both the offensive posts on the Wikiwall and the boorish response. I talked to the parents of this classmate, but they said that the children themselves will figure it out.

Then that girl started watching Vika after school with her high school friends from her former school. They didn't beat me, but called me names, pushed me several times. Vika was seen off by her friend from the class, but still: two sixth graders against several girls and guys from 8-9th classes - unequal forces...

Then I wrote to the girl that if she didn't stop, I would have to file a complaint with the police. In response, she again rude. I took screenshots, took Vika and the boy who accompanied her from school, and went to the police. I thought they would dismiss it, but they immediately accepted my application, praised me for the screenshots, and questioned the children in detail. As a result, the girl and the high school students who guarded Vika were summoned to the police with their parents, and they were registered. And immediately everything stopped, now this girl walks quieter than water, lower than grass.

Asya Shtein, teacher of the MHC, school No. 1553 named after. Vernadsky, Moscow:

Usually parents are wary of social networks in which their children are present: if a child is sitting at a computer, then he is probably busy with something bad. Meanwhile, the Internet opens up great opportunities for learning activities, communication, feedback from students, teachers and parents. This saves time and effort, allows you to learn the skills of cooperation. The teacher can observe the progress of work at a convenient time for him, track comments.

Each of our classes has a VKontakte group: it is convenient to post news, schedule changes, inform children about who, for example, will go to the Olympiad. A group on a social network suggests a comfortable form of communication on any topic: here you can quickly discuss a problem without calling a class hour. In parallel, we write about adult affairs with parents in a similar group at Facebook . The parent committee makes additional mailings - it's much more convenient than calling the whole class.

We practice remote group work of children in GoogleDocs : projects, group homework. Students do not have to stay at school after school, they can work together on a document from home. A teacher is added to the group for verification and review. Also, online, you can work on term papers that all students write with us. On the website of the lyceum, teachers post links to additional materials, texts on literature that can be downloaded into an e-book, to contour maps so as not to spend money on their purchase.

Since communication through social networks is comfortable for children, it is often convenient for a child to communicate with a teacher on personal issues in the correspondence mode - this gives children a sense of security. Even what would be difficult to say face to face is said easily here, because you can think over the remark or edit it.

Safety regulations

• Make a page on the social network open only to friends - then strangers will not be able to accidentally get on it.

• Don't share your address and phone number online. Do not talk about your plans indicating a specific time (when the child goes to the section, when he goes on vacation with his parents, etc. ) - such information may be of interest to thieves.

• Do not enter into correspondence with strangers, especially adults, and in no case go to meet them.

• Tell your parents if you come across something that makes you feel uncomfortable online.

Dubious acquaintances

Social networks provide an opportunity to communicate not only with friends, but also with strangers. Among strangers sometimes there are people who are dangerous. The student has a risk of entering into correspondence with a pedophile. Such people, in order to attract attention, often sympathize with the child, show concern for him, sometimes promise gifts. Over time, communication begins to acquire a sexual nature, the attacker sends links to pornographic videos, asks to perform various actions, and sometimes agrees on personal contact.

A child can also become a victim of drug dealers. First, when communicating through the network, they try to convince the student that drugs are not so harmful, and then they offer to try them.

You may suspect something is wrong if your child has become withdrawn, anxious, if he quickly closes the page when you appear,

if strange people began to call him, he began to leave without telling where. You need to carefully find out what is happening with the child in order to understand what kind of help he needs.

Surveillance or ignore?

Should adults control the actions of children in social networks? If possible, yes, but it is desirable to do it gently, unobtrusively. The best way is to ask your child to be “friends” (for this you yourself must be registered on the same social network). If he refuses, then it's good that he agrees to "be friends" with an older brother or sister, his aunt or uncle, your friend - an adult with whom he has a trusting relationship. In the case when you and your relatives were not taken as “friends”, it would be nice from time to time to be interested in what the children write about.

"The Internet, social networks and instant messengers are part of an objective reality that cannot be avoided," says Artemy Ponyavin, director of the executive committee of the National Delphic Council of Russia, chairman of the Governing Council of School No. 814. - To make the stay in the information environment safe and efficient, parents need to draw up with the child and offer him Digital Presence Regulation . It is necessary to identify possible threats, describe the principles and tools of digital interaction: permission to use personal data, setting up computers and phones, rules for online and offline communication. Of course, this is not the easiest task, you need to delve into the issue, but its solution will undoubtedly benefit both children and adults.”

Stay aware of what is happening in the life of a student, maintain a trusting relationship with him, learn to negotiate - this is the best way for parent-child interaction

Children and social networks

Protecting the rights of the child at school - Blog of the inspector of public education

As a rule, on the one hand, ignorance, and, on the other hand, violation of the rights of schoolchildren leads to conflict situations "school - student - parent".

How can parents protect the rights of the child at school? Let's look at a few examples.

Gender equality

Gender equality is when every person has equal rights, regardless of whether he belongs to the male or female sex.

Possible violation - gender discrimination: girls were ordered to clean floors, and boys were allowed to go home.

Help. If a person is limited in rights and opportunities based on gender, then this is nothing but discrimination. Discrimination is categorically prohibited by international law and Russian legislation.

What to do?

Try to solve the problem in a peaceful way: draw the attention of the class teacher that it is impossible to impose more duties on girls than on boys, offer not to divide students into boys and girls, but ask all the guys for help.

If this does not help, then proceed according to the scheme: administration - education department - court.

School and religion

The school has no right to force students to declare their belonging to a particular religion - this is a personal matter for everyone.

Possible variant of violation - imagine that the Plan of school-wide or class activities provides for a visit to an Orthodox monastery. Among the students there are not only Orthodox, but also Muslims, Buddhists or followers of other religions, and this event may be contrary to their religious beliefs.

Help. Everyone has the right to freedom of conscience and religion, ie. everyone has the right to decide for himself whether to believe in God or not, and which religion to choose. Everyone has the right not only to believe or not to believe, but also to act as his faith or convictions dictate. Also, for various reasons, not everyone can openly talk about their religious beliefs and feelings.

The Law on Freedom of Conscience and Religious Associations states: “It is prohibited to involve minors in religious associations, as well as to teach religion to minors against their will and without the consent of their parents or persons replacing them. ”

What to do?

The school must refuse to hold events that have a religious connotation, because the school cannot hold any events related to religion, for example, collect donations for the needs of religious communities, involve students in religious rites, because. in this case, the norm of the Law on the secular nature of education is violated.

Students have every right to refuse to participate in activities related to religion.

If they try to involve students in these events forcibly, then you should file a written complaint with the principal of the school, contact the education department, the Commissioner for Children's Rights.

Respect for the honor and dignity of the student

Students have the right to respect for their honor and dignity.

A possible variant of violation - litigation between a teacher and a student in the presence of the whole class or bringing a discussion of the student's opinions and beliefs to the class without his consent.

Help. Public proceedings are in conflict with the right of students to respect their human dignity, which is enshrined in the Law "On Education" (Article 50, paragraph 4), are offensive and inadmissible. The Russian Constitution establishes the right to freedom of opinion and belief: “No one can be forced to express his opinions and beliefs or to renounce them” (Article 29, point 3). In addition, such "court trials" cause enormous moral damage to children. The use of such methods of education by a teacher is not permissible.

What to do?

Find out from the teacher the essence of the conflict. Did the teacher talk with the student in advance and did he get his consent to a public discussion of his actions.

In case of violation of the law, file a complaint with the principal of the school.

You also have the right to apply to the court for the protection of the honor and dignity of the child.

The right to health care

The school is responsible for the life and health of children during the educational process.

Possible variant of violation - the student is released from physical activity and there is a certificate about this. However, the physical education teacher did not take this into account and gave the student a deuce.

What to do?

A physical education teacher can be explained that running and jumping after surgery is dangerous for a student.

Ask for help from the class teacher and head teacher. "Deuce" should be canceled, and in the future such cases should not be repeated.

If verbal appeals do not help, then write a statement to the principal of the school demanding a disciplinary investigation into this fact.

If, nevertheless, the teacher forced the child to study and such “physical education” harmed his health, stock up on the necessary documents and boldly go to court.

Mandatory additional classes, electives

All additional classes, such as circles, electives, sections, etc. can only be voluntary.

Possible variant of violation - sometimes the school forces children to attend extra classes.

Help. Every school has a curriculum. It records what subjects are studied in a given class and how much time is devoted to these subjects. Therefore, no one can force a student to attend additional classes. For example, if there is no “solid state physics” as a compulsory subject in the curriculum, then this special course can not be attended.

What to do?

We proceed from the fact that any teacher will highly appreciate a student who has additional knowledge gained in a special course. When passing the exam in the main subject, this will only benefit the student.

If you are afraid that the teacher will nevertheless treat the child with prejudice, discuss the situation with the teacher, head teacher of the school, write a statement to the principal.

Socially useful work

“Engagement of students, pupils of civil educational institutions without the consent of students, pupils and their parents (legal representatives) to work not provided for by the educational program is prohibited” - is also written in Article 50 of the Law “On education. "

Possible violation - children are forced to be on duty in the classroom, around the school, clean up the territory, etc.

Help . Article 37 of the Constitution of the Russian Federation states: "Forced labor is prohibited."

Also pay attention to the wording of Article 50 of the Law "On Education": the school must obtain not only the consent of the students themselves to help the school with their work, but also the consent of their parents. This means that the school does not have the right to order schoolchildren to take rags in their hands and go to wipe puddles in school corridors, participate in duty, sweep streets, clean bus stops and forest parks.

If we follow the letter of the law, then even if the students themselves stood with rags and brooms in their hands and begged to be allowed to participate in the labor landing, the director would not be able to allow them until they bring written consent from their parents.

What to do?

If the school still forces the student to be on duty, clean the school grounds or public areas, then the parents can appeal against the actions of the school.

You can apply to the director with a written complaint about the actions of the class teacher, who forces the children to do work, be on duty in the classroom, wash the floors, take up “post number one”. If the director refuses to release the child from duty, work, write a complaint to the department of education and the authorities for the protection of the rights of the child.

If that doesn't help, parents can sue the school.

Sometimes they refer to the Charter of the school. Read it and make sure that such a rule really exists. It is very likely that it will not be there. But in any case, the Charter of the school cannot contradict the Law and the Constitution. If there is a contradiction, then it is necessary to be guided not by the Charter (or the order of the director, or some provision), but by the Constitution and the Law. In this case, parents can apply to the founder, as well as to the prosecutor's office.

If a school really needs help, it can ask students instead of giving orders. Pupils have the right to decide for themselves whether to respond to the request of the school or not. It is also necessary to find out in advance the position of parents on the issue of involving their children in work. This applies not only to emergency cases, but also to ordinary duties, general cleaning and other “labor landings”. Please note that even if the child works for the benefit of the school of their own free will, parental consent is required.

If parents do not agree with the involvement of children in socially useful work, then they have every reason to complain about the school not only to the educational authorities, but also to sue.

Self-service at school, of course, should be, but it is necessary to look for a solution to this problem together with students, human rights activists and parents of students, guided by the current legislation.

The right to education

All Russian citizens have the constitutional right to education.

A possible variant of violation is the removal of a student from a lesson or not admission to classes.

Help. The teacher does not have the right not to let the student go to the lesson or kick him out of the class. The teacher does not have the right to decide this arbitrarily. If a student came in a state of intoxication or began to smash school furniture, then the teacher must respond: call the school administration, the police and other specialists who will take the student from the teacher from hand to hand and continue to work with him. But when the student's behavior does not pose any danger, the teacher is obliged to let him into the classroom. Teaching a student is his duty, a job for which the state pays him money.

What to do?

If this happened, try to find out all the circumstances of the conflict.

Learn more