How to get over self esteem issues
Raising low self-esteem - NHS
We all have times when we lack confidence and do not feel good about ourselves.
But when low self-esteem becomes a long-term problem, it can have a harmful effect on our mental health and our day-to-day lives.
What is self-esteem?
Self-esteem is the opinion we have of ourselves.
When we have healthy self-esteem, we tend to feel positive about ourselves and about life in general. It makes us better able to deal with life's ups and downs.
When our self-esteem is low, we tend to see ourselves and our life in a more negative and critical light. We also feel less able to take on the challenges that life throws at us.
What causes low self-esteem?
Low self-esteem often begins in childhood. Our teachers, friends, siblings, parents, and even the media send us positive and negative messages about ourselves.
For some reason, the message that you are not good enough is the one that stays with you.
Perhaps you found it difficult to live up to other people's expectations of you, or to your own expectations.
Stress and difficult life events, such as serious illness or a bereavement, can have a negative effect on self-esteem.
Personality can also play a part. Some people are just more prone to negative thinking, while others set impossibly high standards for themselves.
How does low self-esteem affect us?
If you have low self-esteem or confidence, you may hide yourself away from social situations, stop trying new things, and avoid things you find challenging.
In the short term, avoiding challenging and difficult situations might make you feel safe.
In the longer term, this can backfire because it reinforces your underlying doubts and fears. It teaches you the unhelpful rule that the only way to cope is by avoiding things.
Living with low self-esteem can harm your mental health and lead to problems such as depression and anxiety.
You may also develop unhelpful habits, such as smoking and drinking too much, as a way of coping.
How to have healthy self-esteem
To boost your self-esteem, you need to identify the negative beliefs you have about yourself, then challenge them.
You may tell yourself you're "too stupid" to apply for a new job, for example, or that "nobody cares" about you.
Start to note these negative thoughts and write them on a piece of paper or in a diary. Ask yourself when you first started to think these thoughts.
Next, start to write some evidence that challenges these negative beliefs, such as, "I'm really good at cryptic crosswords" or "My sister calls for a chat every week".
Write down other positive things about yourself, such as "I'm thoughtful" or "I'm a great cook" or "I'm someone that others trust".
Also write some good things that other people say about you.
Aim to have at least 5 positive things on your list and add to it regularly. Then put your list somewhere you can see it. That way, you can keep reminding yourself that you're OK.
You might have low confidence now because of what happened when you were growing up, but we can grow and develop new ways of seeing ourselves at any age.
Other ways to improve low self-esteem
Here are some other simple techniques that may help you feel better about yourself.
Recognise what you're good at
We're all good at something, whether it's cooking, singing, doing puzzles or being a friend. We also tend to enjoy doing the things we're good at, which can help boost your mood.
Build positive relationships
If you find certain people tend to bring you down, try to spend less time with them, or tell them how you feel about their words or actions.
Try to build relationships with people who are positive and who appreciate you.
Be kind to yourself
Being kind to yourself means being gentle to yourself at times when you feel like being self-critical.
Think what you'd say to a friend in a similar situation. We often give far better advice to others than we do to ourselves.
Learn to be assertive
Being assertive is about respecting other people's opinions and needs, and expecting the same from them.
One trick is to look at other people who act assertively and copy what they do.
It's not about pretending you're someone you're not. It's picking up hints and tips from people you admire and letting the real you come out.
Start saying "no"
People with low self-esteem often feel they have to say yes to other people, even when they do not really want to.
The risk is that you become overburdened, resentful, angry and depressed.
For the most part, saying no does not upset relationships. It can be helpful to keep saying no, but in different ways, until they get the message.
Give yourself a challenge
We all feel nervous or afraid to do things at times. But people with healthy self-esteem do not let these feelings stop them trying new things or taking on challenges.
Set yourself a goal, such as joining an exercise class or going to a social occasion. Achieving your goals will help to increase your self-esteem.
Where to find help for low self-esteem
Talking therapies like counselling or cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) can help.
You can refer yourself for talking therapies on the NHS.
If you prefer, you can talk to a GP first and they can refer you.
You could also find a private therapist. Make sure they're registered with a professional body.
Audio: Unhelpful thinking
In this audio guide, a doctor helps you to replace negative thoughts with more positive thinking.
Media last reviewed: 2 March 2021
Media review due: 2 March 2024
Visit healthtalk.
org to hear young people talking about their experiences of low self-esteem.
Video: Talking therapies for stress, anxiety and depression
Animated video explaining self-referral to talking therapies services for stress, anxiety or depression.
Media last reviewed: 14 March 2022
Media review due: 14 March 2025
20 Ways to Overcome Low Self Esteem in 2023
Do you always have a low opinion of yourself? Or consistently think that you’re an underachiever and not worthy of compliments or praise? If so, then you could be suffering from low self esteem. Put simply, self esteem is how you think about yourself or your overall opinion of yourself. It can also be how you feel about your strengths and weaknesses. Your self esteem can be high, low, or somewhere in the middle. In this article, we’ll be focusing on low self esteem and talk about some of the ways to overcome it.
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What is Low Self Esteem?
Low self esteem can be defined as a lack of self-confidence or seeing yourself as unworthy, inadequate, incompetent, unacceptable, or unlovable. Having negative, self-critical thoughts can affect your behavior, your life choices and leave you trapped in a lonely vicious circle.
Low self esteem can also affect one’s mental health, leading to stress, depression, and eating disorders. As such, it’s important to take quick actions when you realize that you or someone you love is suffering from this debilitating problem.
20 Ways to Overcome Low Self Esteem
If you are suffering from low self esteem, you may be wondering if it’s possible to overcome it and regain self-confidence. Well, the good news is that yes, it’s possible.
In most cases, low self esteem is usually learned behavior. This implies that those inadequate feelings of self-worth you’re experiencing were taught to you by someone else or started because of you focusing on your negatives.
So in order to change this bad learned behavior, you have to start adopting new beliefs and understanding that nobody is perfect. Here are some tips on how to overcome your low self esteem and start living a happier life.
1. Make some improvements
Many things can lead to low self esteem. Some of them are not in your control, while others are fully within your power to change. For example, if you’re struggling with body dysmorphia, it could have a negative impact on your self esteem.
If you are overweight, for instance, you can start taking up an exercise routine such as mindful walking and start practicing mindful eating. When you exercise and eat right, there’ll be numerous positive changes in your body both to how you feel and how you look. For some people, this can be a great first step in improving their low self esteem.
If feeling tired all of the time is one of the things that lower your self esteem, then you can overcome this by turning off the computer and television a few hours earlier and try to get at least 8 hours of good sleep every night.
Create a night time routine that makes it easier for you to unwind at night. Getting adequate sleep will help keep your mind and body healthy. You’ll also wake up early feeling refreshed and full of energy, which will help you accomplish more throughout the day.
2. Talk to a mental health professional
Those who struggle with self esteem issues should consult a mental health professional. Raising low self esteem is difficult, particularly when it often arises from childhood trauma. Parents who gave too much or too little praise can often cause self esteem problems in their children. Mental health problems like this should be tackled with a professional. Looking at how your parents compared you to siblings or other children can often produce issues with self esteem. If you have low self confidence, it’s possible that your parents didn’t high five you when you did something you were proud of. If they criticize you a lot as a child, you might turn to self criticism.
3.
Accept some flaws I know that this is easier said than done, but it’s a must if you want to overcome low self esteem. There will always be things about yourself that you don’t like. Try to understand that this is true for every other person on earth, no matter how flawless they may seem.
One of the tips for overcoming low self esteem is to learn to concentrate on your strengths, not your limitations.
4. Silence critical inner voice
People with high self esteem have learned to manage their inner critic. Their heads are filled with happy thoughts. Negative thinking won’t boost self esteem. One of the signs of low self esteem is negative thoughts. When those thoughts enter your mind, you need to think of the opposite thought. It’ll take some effort to do this in the beginning but eventually you’ll get better at thinking positive naturally. Unhelpful thinking is literally the difference between depression and happiness. If you lack confidence, it’s only because there are thoughts in your mind that make you think “Why am I not good enough?” So actively identify which thoughts are causing the low self worth.
No one can see the inside of your mind but you, so a self evaluation is a must.
5. Try something new
One common characteristic of people suffering from low self esteem is the feeling that they are incompetent or under performers. They think that they’re incapable of accomplishing certain things. Sadly, this is many times a self-fulfilling prophecy. In order to overcome low self-respect, you must understand that you can do more than you think.
You can start by trying something new, like taking a photography or pottery class. You can also try to do something daring like parasailing or skydiving. If you’ve never meditated before, learn to meditate.
With each new adventure or skill you learn, you will add another notch to your confidence level. With time, you will learn that there is literally nothing you can’t do when you believe in yourself.
6. Improve relationship problems
Other people’s expectations can cause chaos to your self esteem. Everyone makes mistakes.
Unfortunately, sometimes they don’t tell you they messed up when they said something they shouldn’t have. So instead, you internalize it and believe their statement to be true. Knowing that relationship problems can surface in any interaction is important. If you feel angry towards a person, notice what you say. You might not realize it, but the things you say can permanently damage people’s psyche. You can’t control how other people will affect your confidence, but you can control how you treat others. Catch other people’s thought patterns if possible. If a conversation is going awry, try to resolve it in a way where you both feel good. There’s no sense in causing anxiety or for you to feel anxious with people. A wonderful way to keep relationships positive, is to praise often, celebrate other people’s wins, and listen to people’s feelings before they become depression or anxiety.
7. Talk to your low self esteem
I know this might sound a little weird, but it can be effective in overcoming low self esteem.
For example, when you’re in a meeting, your low self esteem may tell you “shut your mouth, you have nothing worth to say in this meeting.” If this happens, silently “respond” to your low self esteem by saying, “Yes, I have an idea, and I’m going to speak it out!” And then do it. Even if others don’t receive your idea very well, that does not mean that it wasn’t worth sharing.
In beating low self esteem, don’t allow your negative feelings to command you. Stand up to them and overcome them by doing what you think is right for you. And before you even know it, you will have increased your confidence, and on the road to achieving all of your dreams.
8. Help people
The secret to having a healthy self esteem is to boost it through acts of kindness and good deeds. If you’re struggling to see your positive qualities, all you need to do is help them shine. You’ll get a lot of positive feedback simply by helping people, cheering them on when they win, and being supportive overall.
If you make another person’s life better, you’ll reap so many rewards from that. And slowly but surely your self esteem will improve. You’ll have more self compassion because you see the amount of effort you’re putting in.
Aim to do kind acts at least once a day, however, don’t be afraid to look for opportunities online where you can sprinkle kindness. In the end, you’ll see your mind improve because you’re not in your head anymore, you’re too busy living in the real world that you’re designing to be a better experience for yourself.
9. Try to relax
One of the things that contribute to low self esteem is a constant feeling of stress. So it’s important to know how to relax. When you’re stressed, your negative thoughts will take charge, making you focus on your weaknesses instead of your strengths. This will even aggravate your stress and lead to more low self esteem.
Take time to do something you find relaxing. Practice self care. Try doing things such as taking a bath, gaming, guided meditation, singing, indoor dancing, etc.
This will reduce your stress and help you feel better about yourself.
10. Recognize defense mechanisms
A defense mechanism is a subconscious reaction to a situation. There are multiple defense mechanisms, such as projection, denial, repression, and more. If you feel guilty about something, you might naturally use defense mechanisms to prevent yourself from internalizing your bad actions, thoughts, or life events. People with low self esteem tend to use defense mechanisms without realizing it. It’s possible that a build up of too many negative events affected your self esteem and causes you to protect yourself against more negative experiences. However, we all use defense mechanisms at one point or another. Make sure to recognize it when you find yourself doing it to avoid challenges in the future.
11. Live in the now
Another way to overcome low self esteem is to learn to live in the present and not let the hurts of your past or worries about the future affect your actions.
You can achieve this by engaging all your five senses – stop and listen for melodious sounds of birds, feel the breeze of air on your skin, smell the freshness of the air, enjoy the beautiful color of the sky. All these will draw your consciousness into the present and help you have the right frame of mind when making day-to-day decisions.
12. Don’t overthink mistakes
Your own thoughts can disrupt your self esteem. You have your own needs to meet. So instead of having ruminating thoughts that spiral you downward, aim to stop negative thoughts at the source. Being mindful of what’s going on in your brain is key to doing this. Every time a negative thought pops up in your head, say “stop.” Believe it or not, it does help quite a bit because it means you’re now present rather than reliving the past or fearing the future. It puts you back in control. Then, if you want to step it up further, people with low self esteem can replace negative thoughts with happy thoughts. Remember that negative thoughts are just beliefs, they’re not real.
You’ll keep making mistakes throughout your life, all you need to do is learn from it. There’s no need to beat yourself up or feel incompetent, every time you mess up. Don’t let a fear disrupt your learning experience.
13. Be kind to yourself
Why would you be kind to others, but be hard on yourself? One of the tricks for overcoming low self esteem is to treat yourself just the way you’d treat your best pal: be caring, gentle, and forgiving.
Loving-kindness meditation is one way to sit and take time practicing some love and kindness to yourself.
Sometimes, we may be kind to our friends and family but forget to extend that kindness to ourselves! Accept yourself, love yourself, and feel your self esteem soar.
14. List your good qualities
Negative thinking can be the cause of why you can’t see all the good you possess. You can build self esteem by writing down all your good qualities. You can ask a friend for help or even your family members. Ask people for positive feedback so you can become more self-aware about what people value in you.
You might write down a list of good habits you have too. Use this exercise to practice self compassion. One of the signs of low self esteem is that you can’t see the good you have. So, try to make a list of at least 10 helpful qualities you have; and overcome your negative beliefs about yourself.
15. Appreciate yourself and know where you shine in
Self-appreciation and self-acceptance are two different things but are connected. You can’t appreciate yourself if you don’t accept yourself.
Sit down, examine your life, highlight the areas where you do better, and try to work on those areas. Too many times, we choose things we know we can’t accomplish, and we spend all our time and effort on them. Instead, know your niche and where you’re good at, and then focus your hard work, persistence, and dedication, and persistence on that. We all have areas we don’t excel at, so stop criticizing when you fail at something.
16. Develop new skills
If your beliefs about yourself are true, and you fear you have low self esteem because you’re not good enough, then it’s time to stop bad habits and develop new skills.
The treatment for self esteem will boil down to making positive changes. Most advice will tell you you’re perfect the way you are. And that’s true to an extent. But isn’t life better, if you’re constantly improving yourself? There’s nothing wrong with trying to get better. You can read books about communication if you’re having verbal conflicts with people. If people think you’re a jerk, you can try to do more kind gestures for others. When people make fun of how you dress, you can read articles on how to style your outfits. Whatever the issue is, you can find an article or book to help you fix that area of yourself.
17. Stop comparing yourself with others
I know society has put expectations on you, but you don’t have to meet all of them. If you truly want to overcome low self esteem, you need to start learning to live your life and not trying to please others. Never compare your achievements with those of others. Instead, set boundaries and goals and follow your dreams.
Remember that we are all different, and each one of us has something unique to deliver. Once you can learn to stop comparing yourself to others, you can be much happier with yourself.
18. Stop second guessing
For the sake of your health, stop second guessing yourself. It’s wrong to do this to yourself. If you feel bad around toxic people, you shouldn’t just take the abuse because of you show signs of self esteem problems. Instead, you should cut those people out. It’s easier to improve confidence, when you make a firm decision. The treatment for these issues will boil down to whether or not you listen to yourself.
19. Avoid self-bashing
As you try to overcome your low self esteem, remember that we are all human. Everyone, at some point in their life, will make a mistake. In fact, some people make way more than others.
One trick to overcoming low self esteem is to learn not to beat yourself up when you make mistakes. Instead, learn from that mistake.
Store in your memory and be using it to prevent you from repeating the same mistake in the future. Always keep in mind that we all learn from trial and error.
20. Surround yourself with positive people
What we see and hear about ourselves significantly affects our self esteem. And sometimes, those things may have a permanent effect. Believe it or not, the people you surround yourself or interacted with in the past have contributed to the person you are today.
If you are trying to feel good about yourself, why surround yourself with people who hate themselves? Why befriend someone who looks down upon himself or herself or has no dreams, goals, or purpose in life?
Spend time with positive people. Start attending conferences with people who want you to be better and who will push to do the impossible.
Start overcoming your low self esteem
Overcoming low self esteem is a process that takes a lot of time and patience. Of course, there’ll be times where you feel like there’s no change or you’re wasting your time.
There will also be moments when you’ll give up and want to associate with those same people with no purpose in life. Don’t let these moments stop you from your journey. Stand up and persevere your bumps, and in the end, you’ll achieve your goals and live a happy, successful life.
Low self-esteem: how to improve it?
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Know Yourself A Man Among Men
Low self-esteem makes us more vulnerable to the smallest psychological jabs, so that even small failures and disappointments can break through walls, break through psychological fortifications and penetrate deep into the soul.
If self-esteem is low, then such trifles as criticism of the authorities or the cancellation of a meeting with a friend worsen the mood much more than they should. We begin to blame ourselves for what happened, taking events too close to our hearts and bouncing back too slowly after that.
Indeed, low self-esteem turns the usual psychological shelling, which each of us periodically undergoes, into a real siege.
But overly high self-esteem entails its own difficulties.
Thus, narcissists have enormous self-esteem and exceptionally high self-esteem, but they are easily offended and lose their temper when they are criticized, even if the criticism is insignificant: for such people there are no small insults.
Two-thirds of us are average in every single area
Since they react so sharply to even small remarks, it is no wonder that they are vindictive: they want to teach a lesson to those who hurt their inflated egos at all costs.
Inflated self-esteem makes us blame others for our own mistakes, ignore the negative reviews of others, and also makes it difficult to take responsibility for what we have done. And if so, then we run the risk of making the same mistakes again and again, which will inevitably lead to problems at work and in our personal lives.
When compared to others, all of us, whether we have high or low self-esteem, consider ourselves above average.
But statistically, two-thirds of us are average in every single area: only one in six performs above average and one in six below average.
And although we would never want to be average, psychologists have collected a lot of evidence that it is the average level of self-esteem (not too high and not too low) that is the most optimal.
Why we don't like compliments
People with low self-esteem are often more willing to listen to negative feedback than compliments because it is more in line with their view of themselves. Low self-esteem endows with a striking resistance to positive experiences and information. But it is precisely this kind of feedback that can restore self-esteem and self-confidence.
But although we need this information more than anything else, low self-esteem prevents us from accepting it, but, on the contrary, makes us close our ears and even flee. Why is this happening? With chronically low self-esteem, feelings of worthlessness become part of the personality.
We get used to it and feel quite comfortable with it.
Psychologists have long known that information that fits within our existing worldview is perceived as convincing, and information that is significantly at odds with beliefs is usually rejected.
If we consider ourselves unattractive, it is much easier for us to accept the compliment "You look good today" than "Your beauty is breathtaking."
When people with low self-esteem listen to positive statements (or say affirmations) in training that are very different from their existing beliefs, the information contained in them is perceived as false and is rejected entirely. Thus, faith in the truth of the opposite only grows stronger.
Bo and his friends
Friends forgot to invite him to parties, criticized him ruthlessly, and had the audacity to borrow large sums of money and not pay him back. Bo desperately sought to find a woman who would become his wife, but here, too, friends hindered him more than helped.
He tried to talk to girls at parties, but his buddies ruined everything with their jokes about his worthlessness.
When Bo came to the session, he said that he was heavily addicted to all kinds of personal growth training. It got to the point where he even purchased a special device that corrected his "brain waves" in his sleep (but the only thing that was corrected was his bank account).
He listened to a huge amount of subliminal messages such as "I deserve only the best and nothing is impossible for me." But when women recklessly complimented him, considering him sweet, kind and caring, he immediately retreated into himself.
“She doesn't know me at all! he was indignant. “She doesn’t even know what problems I have!” Then Bo unconsciously made every effort to demonstrate what he "really" was, after which the women naturally left.
Why did he let his friends treat him like that? People with low self-esteem are rarely confrontational and have great difficulty deciding to end destructive relationships, which naturally do them more harm than good.
The position, which is expressed by the words "not to fat, to be alive" or "take what they give," does not allow you to take any active actions.
We are convinced that setting boundaries, making demands, or stating our expectations - however reasonable and not in the least exaggerated - will lead to immediate rejection. Of course, others quickly notice that we rarely take the initiative, do not like to object and protest, which in their eyes makes us less valuable. Over time, they stop thinking about our feelings and needs altogether.
Bo's problem was that some of his friends might actually leave him if he demanded respect for his personality. Some, but not all. I tried to explain to him that speaking frankly would be the litmus test that would test the quality of his friendships. Those who care about him will agree with Bo's objections and begin to treat him with more attention and care. Those who are not ready to understand him do not deserve the title of friends.
I highly doubt that all of Bo's friends were selfish and manipulative, although of course they hardly deserved the Nobel Peace Prize.
Most of us put in only as much effort as the situation calls for. If a small portion of care and attention is enough and we are allowed to take without giving almost anything in return, then we will do so.
It's not that we're bad. It's just that we're not used to doing more than we need to. If more was required of us, we would do better. This is true for almost all relationships.
How to treat psychological wounds from low self-esteem?
1. Identify your strengths and set yourself up to stand up for your worth
The usefulness of positive affirmations about what we desire is questionable. Our hero Bo became so addicted to this approach that it was difficult for him to leave it. But he agreed to include active actions in his "mantras". For example: “When I lend money to someone, I say that they need to be returned on time” and “If a friend upsets me, I have the right to express dissatisfaction.”
The most effective attitudes for us will be those that emphasize the very real and most valuable qualities of a person: for example, reliability, loyalty and tact.
And not desirable qualities that we do not possess, but stubbornly name in positive attitudes.
Reminding yourself of your own worth, which no real or imagined shortcomings can cross out, immediately increases self-esteem and resistance to failure. Therefore, it is worth taking the time to remember and write down your strengths.
Gladys and her husband
Gladys, a 40-year-old breast cancer survivor, also had a very low opinion of herself. However, unlike Bo, she did not suffer from low self-esteem all her life, but only the last few years. The fault was the hardest emotional blows inflicted on her after the terrible diagnosis was made.
While she was undergoing chemotherapy, her husband left her without any warning. In a display of blatant cruelty, he served her divorce papers through an intermediary who met her at the hospital exit on the day she was discharged from her double mastectomy.
When I met Gladys, she didn't look like a heroine who beat a terminal illness, an athlete who won countless medals and trophies as a student, or a web designer who created a successful business after a divorce.
Shyness, self-doubt and shyness - that's what caught my eye in the first place.
She said: “Now I am suffering because I am not being paid as much as I deserve. They demand from me that I do things for free that were not originally discussed. Unfortunately, I usually succumb to the persuasion of persistent people. They put pressure on me and I eventually give in.”
2. Shut down the critical voices in your head
We have all experienced failure, shame, humiliation, rejection and berated ourselves for it. Choose one such event and describe in detail what happened and how you felt. Like any person with low self-esteem, you will probably exaggerate at the same time.
Now imagine that all this happened not to you, but to a loved one. It pains you to watch him suffer, so you decide to write him a letter to make him feel better. Try to express in him all your kindness, understanding and care, write that you share his feelings, and do not forget to mention that he deserves empathy and support.
Describe the same event again, but now only the facts, as objectively as possible. For example, tell how you made a few mistakes during the presentation, but do not write that colleagues lost respect for you because of this. No matter how they react, we must remember that low self-esteem causes us to interpret the facial expressions and gestures of other people too negatively.
3. Take Action
The vast majority of articles, books and trainings that promise to save us from feeling helpless and insecure miss one thing: self-confidence is not a feeling, but a quality. And it is possible to form it not by visualization or affirmations, but only by action.
It is necessary to start with the task, the solution of which does not seem to us the most difficult. If we do fail, the consequences need not be dire. We must first collect as much information as possible about how to achieve the goal and develop a plan that we will stick to.
List all the moments when low self-esteem does not allow you to defend yourself, in order.
Assess the chances of success and the severity of the consequences in case of failure.
For example, Bo decided to remind his friend Timothy about the borrowed $2,000. Timothy promised to return them within three months, but a year has passed since then. Beau called him his "least friend," so it made sense to risk the relationship and ask for a refund.
And Gladys decided to discuss a couple of "website upgrades" that a client asked her to do for free. These improvements seemed to her not significant enough for the client to refuse her services if she asked for payment. So they took the risk. And what?
Patience and perseverance
It must be remembered that gaining self-confidence is a process, not a one-time action. You need to be prepared for the fact that not all efforts will bring quick results and that perseverance is necessary.
Bo's original plan failed because his friend rescheduled the meeting for the evening and then canceled it altogether, citing fatigue.
When Gladys called her clients about extra work, they didn't even want to listen to her.
Every failure will teach you how to develop a more effective plan of action. Beau drew up a convenient payment schedule and mailed it to Timothy, enclosing blank envelopes with his return address. He tried to state only the facts and did not accuse his friend of anything. In response, Timothy apologized and sent a check for the first part of the amount. Gladys continued to email clients until they agreed to pay her for additional work.
Having coped with the first item on the list, you should use a burst of energy to solve the next problem. You need to act while the memories of success are still fresh! Of course, it will take time before our emotional immunity builds up, and then we begin to operate more effectively. However, with each small triumph, we become stronger and stronger.
Source: Guy Winch Psychological First Aid
Text: Maria Malygina Photo Credit: Getty Images
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How to increase self-esteem and confidence: psychology
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Practice how to 3
Advice 1. The only way to realize who you are is to find what suits you.
Advice 2. Talking about relationship problems reduces fear of abandonment.
Advice 3. Perhaps you are always trying to guess what the norm is. It is important for people with low self-esteem to know and understand that the concept of "normality" does not exist. It is more effective to ask yourself the question: what is really important to you? What is important to your family? The challenge isn't to figure out what's normal for you, but to figure out what works best for you and your loved ones.
Tip 4. The first step in overcoming any bad habit is to become aware of it. To boost self-esteem and self-confidence, just watch yourself. Instead of engaging in self-judgment, try to get to know yourself by analyzing how you behave. When a person begins to look at himself honestly and without judgment, can separate himself from his behavior, he is able to change, develop and grow.
Tip 5. Feelings cannot be right or wrong. If we consider our feeling to be wrong, then guilt is added to it, and this makes the situation even worse. The anger you feel is real. If you decide that it is wrong to feel angry and that you should be compassionate instead, it will not help you. You cannot substitute one feeling for another.
Advice 6. It is impossible to completely overcome the feeling of loneliness, but there are ways to reduce it. First of all, you need to take the risk of opening up to others. The best way to get what you need is to start doing it yourself.
If you want to be loved, first offer your love to others. This is the risk of being misunderstood, abandoned. But by avoiding risk, you doom yourself to loneliness. If you take risks, you get the opportunity to change. It's not enough to try once. Make a promise to yourself that every day you will step out of your comfort zone a little.
When you choose to be yourself, you become much more empowered.
Tip 7. There is a good group exercise that shows that self-criticism is always very subjective. Participants sit in a circle, the task is to free themselves, in whole or in part, from those qualities that they no longer want to possess. If someone likes the rejected qualities, he or she can appropriate them.
For example, one participant says that he wants to get rid of procrastination, and this quality does not have time to reach the center of the circle, while another already says that he would like to take it, because, on the contrary, he is hyperactive.
Someone else says, “I want to get rid of guilt,” and immediately gets the answer: “I need some of your guilt. I feel too selfish."
The exercise demonstrates that our traits need to be studied. To what extent are they useful to us? How much do they interfere? Obviously, judging yourself and your shortcomings is not helpful. When you choose to be yourself, you have many more opportunities to improve your self-esteem.
Advice 8. An acute reaction to a minor event—for example, friends canceling a meeting at the last minute—is usually related to our past. Something similar has happened before - once or many times, usually in childhood.
The first thing you need to do is to be clear about when you start to overreact. How appropriate is your response to the circumstances? Is it worth it to react so sharply? If these questions make you feel defensive, then you are indeed overreacting to the situation.
The first step towards overcoming such reactions is to realize their essence and understand what caused them in the past.
The next step is to consciously change habits. Ask yourself how attached you are to your usual plans. Can you go home another way? Or go to the store on Wednesday instead of Thursday as usual? Can you change plans without disorienting yourself? This is a chance to become more flexible. Flexibility in one area makes it possible to develop flexibility in other areas.
Tip 9. Analyze what kind of people are present in your life and what is the nature of your relationship with them. Do you receive from others as much as you give to them? To what extent are these people stronger or weaker than you? Perhaps if you objectively evaluate your surroundings, you will see that you are giving people more than you are receiving. Then you will have to change your social circle and maintain relationships only with those who are capable of symmetrical relationships.
Perhaps this is because you yourself do not allow others to do things for you. You consider yourself strong enough to take care of yourself, but allow others to participate in your life.
Pain, sadness or anger can only belong to the one who feels it
Tip 10. If you say to yourself day after day: “Why am I staying with this person? Why can't I give it all up?" - It is worth analyzing your relationships. People who do not deserve our loyalty are often very critical of us. They often criticize us. Be careful when you hear this - who is the person really talking about? Do his statements really apply to you, or is he projecting his own shortcomings onto you?
Pain, sadness or anger can only belong to the one who experiences it. These feelings should not become yours, you can only show empathy and compassion. You may have been dragged into an unhealthy relationship by playing on guilt. If you are easily manipulated based on this feeling, you begin to think that you owe something to someone else. “He was kind to me. He took care of me."
Feeling guilty or obligated for these reasons is wrong.
You don't owe people anything for supporting you. You are self-worth. If you feel obligated to support them, you are admitting, "I'm worthless."
Advice 11. You will gain self-confidence if you can solve the tasks that you set for yourself. Tasks can be simple or complex, but you need to be sure that they are achievable.
Things don't always work out. If something worked out, it’s great and it didn’t happen by accident, you deserve your success. Reward yourself for completed tasks. Always remember the things that you are good at. Don't ignore them. Use them as a foundation to become a whole person. If you didn’t succeed, you need to get out of this situation and try something new. It shouldn't devastate you.
About the Expert
Janet Voititz (1939–1994) pioneered research into the problems of children and families of alcoholics in the 1980s. The impetus was her husband's alcoholism. Woititz found that children of alcoholics and children who grew up in single-parent families, as well as families where one or both parents suffered from addictions and phobias, as a rule, grow up with low self-esteem and experience great difficulties in communicating with other people.
