Married but alone and lonely
Married But Lonely: 4 Potential Causes & What To Do
It's actually relatively common to feel alone in a marriage: One in three married people over age 45 report being lonely, according to a 2018 AARP national survey. But that doesn't mean loneliness in a marriage is necessarily normal. If you feel alone in a marriage, it's often a sign that there's an underlying issue in the relationship or in your own personal life that must be addressed.
A marriage is a long-lasting, committed partnership between two people, but that doesn't mean that married people can never feel lonely. That's because there's a big difference between being alone and being lonely, says Kiaundra Jackson, LMFT, a licensed marriage therapist and author of Hard Work or Harmony. Being
alone simply means you are in a physical state of not being around or attached to anyone else, whereas being lonely has more to do with how much your relationships nourish you and how full your life feels.
"Loneliness is a deeper thing because it's more of a psychological state where people feel like their relationships, the quantity of their relationships, the quality of their relationships, are not where they need to be," Jackson explains. "You can be lonely and not be alone. You can literally be surrounded by a whole bunch of people and still feel like you're lonely."
In the context of a marriage, if your marriage isn't fulfilling your need for companionship, love, affection, or other social needs, you may very well feel lonely despite technically having a life partner.
"Physical proximity isn't the sole factor when it comes to experiencing closeness in a relationship," explains licensed marriage therapist Beverley Andre, LMFT. "You have to consider emotional proximity—how in tune are you with your partner? If there is an emotional gap [or] chasm in the relationship, your partner could be sitting next to you, and still feel oceans apart."
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1.
There's a lack of connection
When partners aren't emotionally connecting with each other, Andre says it can feel like there's a distance between them—which can feel very lonely for one or both people. She notes that this usually happens after there has been some sort of shift in the relationship: "At a certain point, the couple stopped being in alignment with each other, hence the distance."
Here are some things that can cause partners to feel distant from each other and therefore feel lonely, according to Jackson and Andre:
- Feeling like your partner doesn't listen to you
- Feeling like you're not having enough sex
- Poor communication or lack of communication
- Money issues
- Life transitions
- Day-to-day stressors
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2.
There's a lack of effort or attentiveness in the relationship
"People get lonely in marriage when they go through the mundane waves of life," Jackson says.
"They go to work, they come home, they go to school, they take care of the kids, they cook dinner, and they just go through the regular day-to-day motions, and there isn't any specific time to connect with their spouse."
When couples fall into the monotony of daily life without making intentional time to connect as a couple, the relationship can begin to feel stale and lack affection. This can create feelings of loneliness if one or both parties feel like they're not receiving special, romantic attention, time, or energy from their spouse.
3.
Parental responsibilities are getting in the way
Sometimes couples struggle to separate the role of being parents and the role of being spouses, focusing entirely on their parental responsibilities and neglecting their relationship. "Our role as a parent is very important, but you also have to give time and energy into your marriage," Jackson says. "And when you don't? You can feel lonely."
Spending all your energy on caring for others and not receiving any dedicated affection yourself can feel isolating, not to mention draining.
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4.
Partners are overly dependent on each other for feeling fulfilled
In a 2020 study published in the Journal of Family Psychology on almost 1,400 heterosexual married couples in their 50s through their 70s, the researchers noted that married couples are dealing with increased enmeshment, wherein their lives are unhealthily intertwined. When couples exclusively rely on each other as their primary social connection, it can put a strain on the relationship—and leave the individual people susceptible to loneliness when the relationship inevitably goes through phases of disconnection.
It's easy to fall into the trap of making your spouse wholly responsible for your sense of fulfillment and validation, Jackson says. But people need to be able to feel full and complete on their own as individuals, whether they're in a long-term relationship or not.
In other words, your marriage cannot be the only thing that keeps you from feeling lonely.
"You shouldn't be seeking full validation from your partner when you're married," Jackson says. "You can't look for another person, whether that is your spouse, to fulfill you 110%. You have to be happy with you. You have to give your own self joy. You have to have your own career goals. You have to have your own passions."
If the idea of having a feeling of a totally complete life outside of your partner—and having goals and relationships outside your marriage that make you feel full—makes you feel uncomfortable or scared, it's probably a good sign that this is something you need to work on.
Tell your partner
Both Andre and Jackson emphasize the importance of telling your partner how you're feeling. The Journal of Family Psychology study found that, in a heterosexual marriage, husbands' and wives' levels of loneliness weren't correlated—meaning it's fully possible that your spouse has no idea how lonely you are.
"People often think that their partners are mindreaders, and their partner is not a mindreader," Jackson says. "You might be feeling lonely or alone in your marriage, but your partner might not be feeling that way."
So say it out loud to your partner so they know something is off in your marriage, Jackson says. Once they're on the same page as you, then you can work together to figure out how to help you feel less lonely.
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Figure out what has changed in the relationship
Andre says that often when people start to notice they're feeling lonely in their marriage, it's because there's been a recent shift in the relationship that's thrown the partners out of sync and created that feeling of distance. If you can pinpoint what caused the shift, you'll know what to focus on as a couple to heal the divide.
"Backtrack and see if you both can identify when the shift started happening, and collaborate on ways to mitigate the feelings of loneliness," she says.
"If this is proving to be difficult, seek professional help in order to work strategically as a unit."
Learn each other's love languages
The five love languages are words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, acts of service, and gifts. Each person has one primary love language that's their preferred way of receiving love. Jackson recommends couples who are trying to feel more emotionally connected with one another learn each other's love languages and start more actively giving that form of affection.
"When you can speak your partner's love language," Jackson notes, "there's no room for them to feel lonely because they're going to feel loved and appreciated and heard and respected."
Get support
If you and your partner are struggling to work on this issue or simply don't know where to start, both Andre and Jackson say working with a couples' counselor or therapist can be a helpful way to get on the right track.
There are also a plethora of relationship resources, such as books about relationships, online courses, and virtual couples' events, that can help couples get some more support.
Jackson recommends The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, Ph.D., and Nan Silver.
Know when it's time to leave
Loneliness in a relationship doesn't mean the relationship is over, nor does it necessarily mean you don't love each other anymore. That said, once you bring up your feelings to your partner, pay attention to whether they really step up to help you feel secure and loved in the relationship again. Additionally, notice if you feel yourself lacking the motivation to work on the relationship, Andre advises.
"I believe if both parties are intentional about doing the repair work together, progress can happen," Andre notes. "However, if the level of investment changes for one or both in the marriage, and there is no self-motivation to fight for the marriage, a conversation may need to be had about what decisions protect the mental wellness of the parties involved."
Develop your own friendships and inner world
It's important for couples to not depend solely on each other for their sense of fulfillment and aliveness, Jackson points out.
If you're feeling lonely, it may not be because there's anything wrong with the relationship itself or with your partner—instead, it could simply be a sign that you are missing the strong friendships, community, and contentedness in yourself that are necessary for any person to feel whole.
If this is you, it's time to move your relationship from codependent to interdependent by prioritizing your own wholeness. What fills you up? What hobbies and passions can you lean into to light up your world, outside of your marriage? How can you start to nurture the other relationships in your life, including friends and family? It may be time to start making some new connections (here's our guide on how to make friends as an adult, if you need it!), in addition to working toward an internally sourced feeling of fulfillment.
It's actually common to be married but lonely, but that doesn't mean it's something you should expect or accept in a marriage. Often loneliness in a marriage stems from a lack of connection, a lack of effort in the relationship, or a lack of individuation—or some combination of these factors.
If you're feeling lonely in your marriage, start by talking to your partner about what you're feeling and how you can increase feelings of intimacy between you. At the same time, look within: How can you find ways to feel full on your own, as an individual?
6 Devastating Causes Of Loneliness In Marriage And Ways To Deal
Learn reasons and helpful ways to deal with the situation.
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When your partner becomes more like a roommate, rather than your special someone to share your joys and sorrows with, you can feel lonely and upset. There are several causes of loneliness in marriages.
From miscommunicationiXNot being able to communicate effectively to other complexities, such woes can create a gap between you and your partner. If you are unable to communicate with your partner, the spark of your relationship fizzles out. Even though they are supposed to be your lifetime companion, such problems may make them the reason behind your loneliness. So, we are here to discuss the various causes of loneliness in marriages and the signs to help you identify them. We have also compiled a few solutions to tackle this issue. So, read on to know more.
What Is Loneliness In Marriage?
Jane and her husband were traveling alone in a car to her parents’ place. She knew the three-hour journey would be boring, and so was it. She and her husband reached the destination without a single word being spoken between them. While Jane sank into her phone, her husband stuck his eyes on the road. And their thoughts? Each one’s in a different way.
Loneliness happens when you both are at one place, but cannot connect with each other.
You both feel awkward to be alone with each other. There is neither physical nor mental intimacy between you. In simple words, you are a couple to the world out there, but not for yourselves.
Your interaction with your partner becomes hostile and argumentative, and you start assuming things. You stop sharing your feelings with your spouse because you now know that he/she will not be empatheticiXThe ability to understand others’ feelings and emotions and be compassionate toward them .
Why and how does such unpleasantness creep into one’s marriage?
Related: 200+ Heartbreaking Loneliness Quotes When You Feel Sad
Causes Of Loneliness In Marriage
Loneliness is a common problem among millions of people across the world. According to a study on Swedes, there is a gender difference in loneliness among married people, with women experiencing it more than men (1). Here are a few reasons why loneliness can happen to you.
1. Bullying and terrorizing:
Image: IStock
Your spouse thinks that he/she is all powerful.
They bully you, and keep you under constant fear. Psychological and emotional abuse becomes a regular affair. You are afraid of your spouse because you do not know what circumstances can invite their wrath. This keeps you away from them as much as possible.
2. Hectic schedule:
A prominent reason for modern day divorces is a busy schedule of the couples. You and your partner are so busy with your careers or with family matters that you hardly get any time to spend together. This creates a vacuum and time widens that gap. When you sit back and think, you could feel the loneliness all around you.
3. Craving for emotional support:
Your mother is seriously ill and you are worried. However, your spouse doesn’t make an effort to ease your anxiety nor does he acknowledge the pain you are undergoing. When there is no emotional connect, there is no scope for emotional support. And when you know you will not get that from them, you prefer silence to sharing your emotions.
Related: 130+ Emotional Quotes On The Husband-Wife Relationship
4. Rare physical intimacy:
Image: IStock
When was the last time you got physically intimate with your partner? A naughty pinch or a warm kiss or a steamy night is not just for the body but for the mind too. The lesser you do that the wider is the gap between you two.
5. Lack of together time:
You are always surrounded by your kids or other family members. Or the family is so big that there is no time to steal a few private moments with your partner. Initially, you make an attempt to create some couple’s time for you both; but if that fails, you give up.
6. Experiences from the past:
Loneliness after marriage does not always stem from your spouse. The past events or relationships in your life can also be the culprit. According to research studies, your loneliness can also be the result of depression or friction with your parents or siblings, and your past relationship with them (2).
Loneliness need not always be in-your-face. It may be subtle, or you may be too busy to realize that you are lonely. So, how would you know if you are lonely in your relationship?
Point to consider
Unrealistic expectations from the spouse might also contribute to marital loneliness. Also, don’t expect your spouse to always keep you happy. It’s a grim reality, but once you start creating your own happy zone, things will gradually fall into place.
Related: 10 Agonizing Signs Of An Emotionally Unavailable Husband
Signs Of Loneliness In A Marriage
Do not ignore the gut feeling that something is off between you and your partner. We’ll tell you the signs, which you can look out for in your relationship.
1. Did you get time to be intimate with your partner?
You can’t really remember? The very fact that you are thinking about your intimacy (or the lack of it) means something is amiss in the relationship.
You may not be getting intimate with your spouse due to lack of interest, shortage of time, or lack of privacy. Whatever the reason might be, the absence of intimacy could be a sign of your loneliness.
2. You both don’t share your daily routines anymore.
Image: Shutterstock
You tell your spouse what you did through the day, they tell you about their routine, and you drift into a long conversation. Is this not the case with you? If your spouse simply rolls their eyes when you strike a conversation, or is busy checking his phone when you talk to him, then yes, your communication channel is not working the way it should.
3. You forget the special days.
You remember the assignment your children have to submit on Monday and the meeting you have to attend, but you do not remember your anniversary. Special days like birthdays and anniversaries bring a spark into our routines. But if you and your spouse forget such important days, it means that you no longer value them or care to have that ‘spark’ in your lives.
4. Your partner doesn’t ask you for things they want.
Your spouse is hesitant to come to you for help. They might try it for themselves and fail but won’t approach you. But this was not the case in the past. This could indicate a change in their attempts to depend less on you. Why would they do that? Consider if your response is a possible reason for your spouse’s behavior.
Loneliness is depressing, and if it due to your relationship with the person you love the most, then there could be no words to describe the feelings. But why should such feelings come at all? Nip them in the bud, and you will be free of depression.
Related: How To Move On From A Toxic Relationship: 15 Tips
How To Avoid Loneliness In A Marriage
You need not have to wait for the early signals of loneliness. Learn from others mistakes. Make sure you are not falling into the trap of monotony. Make a conscious effort to keep the atmosphere at home lively.
1.
Communicate.Communication is the panaceaiXA solution that is believed to effectively and completely solve a complex or difficult problem for all ills in a marriage. Talk to each other as often as possible. You don’t have to search for a topic. Talk randomly and share your experiences of that day. Discuss the day’s news or converse about a topic that is of common interest to you both. Approach your spouse from their perspective. That keeps the atmosphere at home lively.
2. Recall good times.
Image: IStock
Watch your wedding video or look at your honeymoon photos. Talk about your courtship days and all the romantic outings you both experienced together. The naughty or silly things you secretly did without the knowledge of your family and friends. That will make you both laugh together. The couple that laughs together stays together!
Quick tip
Plan tiny getaways from the hustle and bustle of life. Take out time to talk about the issues you both are facing. Fight the battle together.
4. Do small favors for each other.
Is he struggling with his necktie? Help him do it. Is she a foodie? Prepare a delicious breakfast for her. This will make your partner look up to you. They know they can come to you for any help or with any problem. You will be their first destination in distress.
5. Understand their point of view.
It is not always necessary to look at things your way. Your spouse could have a different opinion. You may be irritated with your mother-in-law’s interference in a party that you have organized for your partner. But they wouldn’t agree with you. Interference for you would be love and affection for your partner. Stop judging! To comprehend your partner’s viewpoint, take a couple of minutes to think.
And if you thought that the above steps would help you avoid only loneliness, no. They will also help you avoid all the illnesses you get due to loneliness in a marriage.
Health Problems Associated With Loneliness
Loneliness can be taxing both emotionally and physically, and could come along with (3):
- Depression
- Suicide
- Anxiety
- Low self-esteem
- Alcoholism and drug abuse
The illnesses will have a long-lasting effect on your body unless you make a conscious effort to escape that feeling. If you are a lonely wife or husband, you need not have to continue in that state, carrying the weight of self-sympathyiXThe act of being kind and compassionate toward oneself . Do something to set yourself free of such negative emotions.
Related: 16 Signs Of Emotionally Abusive Relationship And Tips To Handle
How To Bring Yourself Out Of Loneliness?
Here we give you some ways to come out of your loneliness. Pick and implement the ones that suit you:
1. Stop sympathizing with yourself, start living!
The more you think about it, the worse you will feel. Understand that your spouse is the most important person in your life but they are not the only you have. Meet your parents, siblings or close friends and bond with them often. Have people around you. But, stop expecting or seeking sympathy from them.
2. Try a hobby:
Image: IStock
When you are in the phase of extreme loneliness in a marriage, start something which you always wished to do and couldn’t go ahead with it due to marital constraints. Each time you feel miserable and left out, your new hobby will remind you of the positive things in life. It will help you re-live your passions and interests. Be it writing, singing, joining dance or aerobics classes or associating yourself with a charity organization, you may take up anything that is beneficial to you.
3. Never say no to plans:
Stop saying no to the plans your friends and family make. If they want you to join in their picnic, long drive or a short outing, go with them. You may not be in the mood to have fun, but fun is what exactly you want at this time. It will give you confidence that you have several loving people around you. This will help you face your spouse, talk to them and sort out the problems between you.
4. Invite friends and family home:
Invite your close friends or family home. A sumptuous meal, beautiful ambiance, and a bit of gossip would work as a potion for your loneliness. Watch a movie together, or go for an unending bout of your favorite TV series. Involve your spouse by inviting their friends and family as well. Who knows, this could rejuvenate the spark between you two.
5. Focus on your career:
Never let your professional life get affected by your personal life. This is harder done than said, but will surely work as you can forget about your loneliness, interact with your colleagues, and keep yourself busy with work. A career will help you maintain your calm and focus on priorities in life.
6. Learn to live alone, don’t fear loneliness:
This is the hardest part of all. Love yourself, and you will start enjoying your company. Stop pitying or blaming yourself for your loneliness as neither will help you go forward in life. When you learn to live alone, you will identify your hidden abilities and appreciate your strengths. Have a make-over of your appearance, get a new haircut done, go for a massage with aroma oils, and update your wardrobe. This new look might bring you admirers and could make your spouse sit up and notice.
7. Focus on your health:
You can beat loneliness only if you are strong, both physically and mentally. Loneliness could lead to binge eating. You can avoid such weaknesses by focusing on your health. Eat nutritious food, drink water regularly, and exercise. Work out in a gym, attend aerobic classes or perform yoga and meditation. They keep your body fit and at the same time make you feel better about life.
8. Talk to your spouse:
Never lose your fight even before the battle begins. Do not go into depression without making an attempt to share your thoughts with your spouse. Talk to them about your loneliness. This will prompt them to share their version, their tensions or disappointments in life. Maybe he/ she, too, is going through loneliness or is disappointed with their married life!
1. What is loneliness in marriage vs. emotional neglect?
There is a slight difference between loneliness and emotional neglect in a marriage. While emotional neglect could lead you to loneliness, it is not always that loneliness is caused due to emotional neglect. Emotional neglect occurs when one spouse is not attending to and responding to another’s emotional needsiXEmotions that we desire to experience to feel happy and content . However, loneliness could be due to your busy schedules, inability to fulfill each other’s expectations, or maybe you are far away from each other for work or other reasons.
2. How do big life changes put us at the risk of loneliness?
A spouse moving to another city or country for work or study, the pressure of a new job, purchasing a new property, or children becoming a priority are some significant changes that could put the risk of loneliness in a marriage. It happens because the priorities shift from the partner to other things in life. However, the problem of loneliness can be resolved with mutual understanding.
3. Can a marriage survive emotional detachment?
Yes, you could have an open conversation with your spouse, figure out what’s going wrong, and try to fix it. Focus on yourself, be patient, and come up with ideas to rebuild your relationship. If you still think it’s not working, consulting a therapist could be helpful.
Loneliness in marriage often occurs due to a lack of communication between the partners. An unhealthy work-life balance may cause stress and reduce time spent together, affecting physical and emotional intimacy. This leaves the other partner feeling lonely. Reestablishing healthy communication is the key to coming out of this challenging situation. However, you should also not entirely depend on your spouse for all your emotional needs. Take charge of your life, take care of your health, spend happy moments with friends and family, focus on your career, and try to understand each other to sort things out.
Key Takeaways
- When partners do not connect or enjoy each other’s company, it is considered loneliness in a marriage.
- Factors that contribute to loneliness in marriage are busy schedules, lack of support and empathy, absence of intimacy, and emotional abuse.
- Signs of loneliness in a marriage are sparse discussions, not making time for each other, and lack of effort.
- To overcome loneliness in marriage, try new hobbies, spend time with family and friends, and focus on your career.
References:
MomJunction's articles are written after analyzing the research works of expert authors and institutions. Our references consist of resources established by authorities in their respective fields. You can learn more about the authenticity of the information we present in our editorial policy.
- Loneliness in Marriage.
https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0265407592092003 - Loneliness and Social Connections.
https://ourworldindata.org/social-connections-and-loneliness - Marriage, Family and Loneliness: A Cross-National Study.
https://www.jstor.org/stable/1389484?seq=1#page_scan_tab_contents
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Loneliness together: why we are unhappy in relationships
175 612
LonelinessCrisis of relationships Man and woman
Loneliness is a painful feeling. When I work with a client who is struggling with addiction and ask him to look inside himself to understand what feelings he is trying to drown out with food or alcohol, I often hear the same answer: loneliness. You may think that this feeling is experienced mainly by those who live alone and do not have a family, but this is not so. It is in partnerships that many feel abandoned, isolated. After all, relationships do not always relieve loneliness, on the contrary, they sometimes cause it.
We feel deeply lonely when we want to feel soul contact with someone, but this someone is not available to us, does not want or cannot open up to us. This feeling is certainly present when we are alone, but often it occurs in relationships when one or both partners have lost touch with each other - due to the fact that one of them is angry or withdrawn, sick or very tired. .
Having lost contact with ourselves, we cannot connect with others
Being alone and being alone are not the same thing. The feeling of emptiness occurs when we are out of touch with ourselves—when we are unable to listen to our feelings, judge ourselves, turn to all sorts of addictions to get rid of painful sensations, or hold someone else responsible for our feelings.
We will always feel lonely and abandoned when we give up on ourselves.
Moreover, having lost contact with ourselves, we cannot connect with others. And these broken ties become a source of deep despair and disappointment. A person who lives alone, but at the same time loves and appreciates himself, may not feel this painful emptiness. He is able to enjoy his solitude and keep in touch with others when they are ready to make contact.
What makes us lonely in a relationship?
You may feel lonely with a partner if
...your heart is closed because you protect yourself from resentment, anger or possible rejection. You cannot be in contact with a partner when closed.
...the partner is closed, angry or self-absorbed.
...a partner deliberately blocks communication with you, hiding behind work, TV, alcohol, hobbies, the Internet, and so on.
...you adapt to your partner, trying to control his feelings in this way. Giving up yourself for the sake of manipulation interferes with the creation of a genuine soul connection.
...both of you or one of you does not want to see the brewing conflict. The reluctance to speak openly on sensitive topics creates barriers between you.
Isolation disappears when we are open and open with each other
...you or your partner uses sexual relations as a form of control.
...you go over relationships in your head instead of discussing them together with open hearts. Speculative analysis can be attractive at times, but after a while you feel bored and empty.
...a partner criticizes your thoughts, feelings, attitudes, or actions. Judgment and criticism divide people.
...you or your partner are too tired, overwhelmed or unwell to keep in touch.
In a word, everything that separates us from ourselves and our partner causes a feeling of loneliness. Conversely, isolation disappears when we are frank and openly contact each other.
We feel connected to each other when
...we are not afraid to be ourselves, vulnerable and say what we think without guilt or fear of judgment.
...willing to face unpleasant experiences, deal with them nurturingly, and learn from them—to take responsibility for all our feelings rather than to avoid them with various defenses. When we are in touch with ourselves, we can build connections with others, we are ready to learn something new about ourselves and our partner, especially in conflicts.
...we show care and compassion for ourselves and our partner.
... finding time to be together, talk, play, love, laugh, learn and grow. We are interested in personal growth and development of our relationships.
When sharing time, developing the ability to love yourself and share love with each other, becomes a priority for both partners, you have a great chance of staying in genuine contact with yourself and with each other. In such relationships, people rarely feel alone.
About the Author
Margaret Paul is a family psychologist and co-author of What's Stopping You from Being Happy (with Jordan Paul, Centerpoligraph, 2009).
SOURCE: Huffington Post
Text: Maria Fedotova Photo Source: Getty Images
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How to get rid of feelings of loneliness in marriage
October 19, 2022 Relationship
Feelings of disunity may linger from a distant shared past, or appear due to a discrepancy in schedules.
You can listen to the article. If it's more convenient for you, turn on the podcast.
Rossana Sni
Family psychologist.
When we finally meet our soul mate and marry our "one" or our "only one", it seems to us that mutual understanding will last forever. No more lonely nights, we found each other! Unfortunately, this is not always the case.
Loneliness in marriage is experienced by millions of couples around the world. Suddenly one of the spouses feels abandoned, and more often this feeling is born in women. Perhaps the connection weakens over time, or the partners practically stop talking, but they begin to argue and quarrel a lot.
Why there is a feeling of loneliness in marriage
Before you figure out how to return the feeling of fulfillment to family life, it is important to understand where loneliness comes from in marriage. This feeling can appear for several reasons.
Fear of a partner
In a marriage with an emotionally unstable person or even with an abuser, the feeling of loneliness is absolutely natural. When we are afraid of a loved one, manifestations of his aggression or harsh statements, we do our best to stay away and not initiate communication once again in order to avoid conflicts.
The situation becomes even more complicated if, during the first years of marriage, one of the partners isolated the other from family and loved ones. In this case, it is natural to feel as if there is no one to ask for help, hence the feeling of loneliness.
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Schedule mismatch
If a wife comes home when her husband is asleep and he leaves before she wakes up, it's no wonder some of them feel lonely.
Differences in the schedule can lead to serious discord - the spouses simply will not be able to keep in touch, which means that they will move further away from each other.
Too much time apart
Let's imagine that things are not so bad and the husband and wife still see each other. But 20 minutes a day between work and trips with children to different circles. It would seem that there is communication, but it is so short and fragmentary that the feeling of loneliness still arises and remains inside.
Lack of emotional support
Everything happens in life, and sometimes troubles fall on us like snow on our heads. At this moment, we want the partner to support us - to say that everything will be fine and we will definitely cope. If we do not receive this, the distance between us and a loved one increases, and loneliness rolls with renewed vigor.
Let's say you learned about the death of a distant relative with whom you were on very good terms. You are sad, and your partner only says: “Well, he was already 96, he lived a long life. He's in a better place now." And that's it. No support, no sympathy, just a bunch of clichés. In such situations, it is not surprising to feel completely alone.
Lack of intimacy
In couples where partners feel lonely, intimacy is a rather rare thing. In addition, even small signs of love and attention to each other may disappear: kisses in the morning, hugs, walks by the hand.
This may seem like a small thing, but no matter how. Flirting and other manifestations of passion are closely related to intimacy. If romance has long gone from a relationship, something else must have come into them - loneliness.
Figure it out 💋
- What to do if sex has disappeared from your relationship
Old wounds
I work with a couple who have been together for six years and are just going through a similar crisis. At the very beginning of the marriage, the husband's mother interfered in the relationship of the spouses, which offended the wife. In the end, the mother-in-law apologized to her daughter-in-law, but the wound remained.
The husband now feels that he is “stuck” somewhere in the middle of a showdown between mother and wife, and constantly thinks that he must take sides. That is why he is lonely: he believes that he cannot talk about his experiences with either his mother or his wife in such a way as not to create a conflict.
If you recognize yourself in this situation or something similar happened to you, you probably know the feeling of loneliness next to a loved one.
What to do if you feel alone in your marriage
This feeling is not necessarily a sign that it is time to end the relationship. There are several ways to correct the situation and establish contact with a partner.
Go on dates every week
When you try to make time for each other on a regular basis and go to a concert, an exhibition or just a cafe, there is no room for loneliness in family life. Weekly dates will not only help you share news and keep in touch, but will also become a pleasant tradition, and you will look forward to each meeting together.
Talk to
Most misunderstandings are usually due to poor or no communication. Partners lose contact because they stop communicating - everyone goes about their lives, hoping that the situation will resolve itself. Spoiler: it doesn't.
You need to take the first step on your own, start a difficult conversation and share your feelings honestly. And not just once. Regular communication is the key to a healthy relationship.
According to family therapist Marnie Feuerman, communication helps strengthen relationships and creates the intimacy and trust many people crave in marriage. It is important to share with your partner the main successes and failures of the week. You can talk about anything: on extraneous topics or about what is interesting and close only to the two of you.
Remember the past
One Valentine's Day my husband decided to reminisce. He collected picnic food and took me to the park where we met. We had lunch and reminisced about the past. And then we drove past the high-rise building with our first apartment and a couple of other places that are connected with our love story. It was an amazing day. We talked about how cool we were having that time and how we grew in that relationship.
Walking through places that are memorable for your couple can bring back a lost spark in a relationship and even relieve feelings of loneliness. This will help to find a connection with each other again and with the love that originated in those parts.
If you can't go there in person, look at old photos and talk about your best memories together.
Don't forget the little things
When we think about how to improve our marriage, big gestures come to mind. In fact, everything is much simpler. Even pleasant little things, if done regularly, can reanimate the union.
Make your loved one coffee in the morning, make the bed, pour water into the bottle that he always carries with him to work. Such small manifestations of care just demonstrate love and respect. Gradually, your partner will notice these gestures and begin to please you in the same way.
Find a common hobby
When partners start doing something together, the feeling of loneliness subsides. Try to choose a hobby that both of you enjoy. Maybe you like to solve big complex puzzles, play board games in the evenings, or ride bikes in the park on weekends. Even watching and discussing a new series together will strengthen your bond, and therefore your marriage.
Show respect, empathy and understanding for your partner
In a marriage where partners behave respectfully and attentively towards each other, there is the most important thing - unity. And with unity, loneliness dies.
Treat your husband or wife like your best friend or best friend. Spend time together, don't be afraid to show your love, respect your partner's individuality and desires. Be there always, and not only in difficult moments and on holidays. You need to work on marriage every day, then the feeling of loneliness will definitely not penetrate your union.
Just before you take steps to "resuscitate" the marital relationship, talk to your partner. Your husband or wife may not even know what you're going through!
However, if you still feel lonely despite all the attempts to get closer and want to keep the relationship, you should seek the help of a specialist.
