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Ups and downs of a relationship


The Ups and Downs of Relationships — The Relationship Therapy Group

Every relationship has its ups and downs. It is inevitable, really. We grow as human beings, life circumstances change, and new stressors emerge. All of these things are out of our control, and, as significant as they are, we may pay little attention to the changes as they become an intimate part of our every day life.

People tend to believe that we have control over  our relationships. Thus, nothing quite as disquieting as when your marriage or relationship is doing poorly and you don't know why or how to fix it. You feel it when you wake up; you notice it during dinner. Sexual intimacy with your partner starts to dwindle, and your patience begins to snap. Suddenly you find that your relationship is in an uncomfortable, dark place, and you’re not certain when or how this happened. If you are starting to feel or notice these signs, here are five things you can do to get your marriage back on track.

Schedule a Date Night

No matter how busy you are, schedule a night out with your partner. Date nights are essential to relational intimacy as they ensure you and your partner have dedicated one-on-one time without the busyness of life getting in the way. The simple act of getting ready to go out is also important. Make it easy – nothing over the moon or strenuous. Perhaps go play miniature golf, or dinner and a movie. The goal? Have fun - together.

Turn the Volume Down in your Life

Often, stress in your relationship is the result of the stress you or your partner is feeling individually. The stress of being over committed, running from event to event, or having a demanding work schedule can all contribute to relationship dissatisfaction. Reduce your social and work calendar as best you can and be more present in your relationship. Saying “no” can be hard, but by doing so you will create more space for your relationship.

Take Care of Yourself

We mean this in the simplest of ways. If you haven’t worked out in ages, get out there. Even a brisk walk for 15 minutes a day will help. Get enough sleep. Eat healthy foods and take care of yourself ascetically.  Do things for yourself that make you feel attractive and energized.  Feeling unattractive can erode your self-worth and cause a negative outlook.

Really Assess Your Unhappiness

You and your partner are having a bad few months, and suddenly you think your relationship is on its way out.  It may or may not be. Make a list of what is contributing to your unhappiness. Some things on the list may have nothing to do with your partner, but instead are all about you. You may also notice that your list is really long, or really short. This simple exercise can provide a new perspective on what is really happening and how dire the situation may be.

Consider Getting Outside Help

If after trying each of these steps you are still not noticing any changes, or you have just reached your wit’s end, consider getting help from another resource. Talking to a trusted friend, reading a self-help book (visit our library), or considering couples therapy are all good options to explore as they can help guide you to a better understanding of what is happening in your relationship, and what you can do to change it for the better.

9 Ways to Manage the Ups and Downs in Your Relationship

Many of my clients bemoan that they take 2 steps forward and 3 steps back while others see things more positively and acknowledge that they take two steps forward and one step back on their journey to having a caring, understanding, supportive and passionate relationship. They express pain that their journey is not a straight line yet one that zigs and zags and has numerous curves. This also applies to when folks express pain about losing weight and gaining it back or about establishing abstinence from a compulsion, whether it is gambling, emotional eating, drugs or alcohol and then relapsing. Still others talk about having quiet meditations and then meditations filled with rampant thoughts and emotional agitation and irritability. And yes, undoubtedly, it is painful when there setbacks and ups and downs in our journey, whatever it is.

I cite all of these because these are some of the many circumstances and challenges that my clients talk about regarding their progress and moving forward. Yet this article will focus on relationship challenges.

Examples of Moving Forward and Backwards in Your Relationship

  • Feeling very close and intimate and distant and disconnected other times
  • Communicating in ways that you feel heard, accepted and supported and other times communicating in a blaming and harsh manner where you feel unheard, rejected and disrespected
  • Resolving differences and conflicts effectively sometimes while other times your efforts seem to make matters worse resulting in ongoing disagreements and conflict
  • Having satisfying, passionate and intimate sex while other times it feels rote, mundane and boring
  • Sharing joy, laughter and fun while other times you are pushing each other’s buttons
  • Experiencing times of calm and ease with one another which may be suddenly interrupted by an intense explosive fight leaving you confused and shocked and wondering “where’d that come from”  
  • Gazing at your partner and having the conviction that you are with your soul mate and other times wondering “who is this person and how did I end up with him/her”
  • Agreeing on lifestyle and financial needs and wants compared to strongly disagreeing about these things.
  • Wanting to spend as much time with your partner as possible and other times wanting to be alone or with friends, or maybe even wanting to be as far away from you partner as possible.

Perhaps you can think about these ups and downs and curves in the following way. Sometimes when you go on a trip you get directly to your destination with ease in a timely manner. The trip and the roads you take are as smooth as can be. Other times you go on a trip and you have to negotiate bumpy roads filled with potholes and/or inclement weather and/or you are re-routed due to construction  and/or you get stuck in long tedious traffic delays. If you use air travel sometimes the checking in and boarding process is as quick and efficient as can be. The flight leaves on time, is as comfortable as can be and arrives on time. Other times flights are delayed or cancelled. Or perhaps the plane goes through a great deal of turbulence. Travel, and life, is inconsistent and uncertain. Relationships are surely like this too.

How to Manage Ups and Downs in Your Relationship

  • Understand that ups and downs and fluctuations are normal and know that they are surely going to happen
  • Be patient, kind and compassionate with yourself and your partner as you navigate the changes and curves
  • Look back to where you were and where you are now in terms of growth
  • Write down signs of progress
  • Address concerns and issues as they arise to thwart building resentments
  • Communicate regularly with openness and honesty
  • Seek input and advice from friends or an experienced professional to help you see things objectively
  • Take responsibility for your part in the strengths and weaknesses of the relationship
  • Allow yourself to feel your feelings—your grief, relief, sadness, joy, sorrow, loneliness and anger

As I reflect on my work with Ann and Charlotte, Loraine and Peter and Ken and Kim they all arrived in my office having a range of concerns about their relationship. They expressed hurt, anger, fear and loneliness. They felt unheard, uncared for and unsupported and wondered where the joy, passion and intimacy that they once felt had gone. Over time each couple began to communicate more effectively, to heal their wounds and to have more harmony, support, caring and understanding in their relationship. They came to understand and accept that there are ups and downs in their relationship and developed the resources to deal with them. Please know that you can do the same!

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Read online “From Discord to Intimacy. Why ups and downs are the key to a better relationship, Claudia Gold - LitRes

Published with permission from Hachette Book Group, Inc. and Andrew Nurnberg Associates International Ltd. c/o Andrew Nurnberg Literary Agency

Scientific editor Anna Lemza

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the copyright holders.

This edition published by arrangement with Little, Brown and Company, New York, New York, USA. All rights reserved.

© Ed Tronick and Claudia M. Gold, 2020

© Russian translation, Russian edition, layout. Mann, Ivanov & Ferber LLC, 2021

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Dedicated to colleagues at the University of Massachusetts and the Boston Parent-Child Mental Hygiene Program

This book offers a fresh look at yourself and your relationships with people. Years of research and clinical trials have, in fact, been devoted to the main question for us: why do some people establish extensive social connections and enjoy communication, while others suffer from loneliness? Why are some sad, closed, they have low self-esteem, others bursting with anger, they are aggressive and act rashly, and still others are happy, inquisitive, self-confident and treat others with warmth and love? How is the ability to feel attached to people, belonging to a human community, related to the development of a sense of one's own "I"? And, perhaps most importantly, how answering questions like these will help us find both connection and intimacy, especially when we feel alone—and everyone has experienced feelings of loneliness and disconnection to some extent. But before we start talking about what we've learned from our research, let me introduce myself and tell you my stories and explain why we wrote this book together.

Claudia's story: from correction to listening

In 2004, I worked in a small town children's clinic and was considered an established behavioral specialist, but increasingly felt that my professional training and almost twenty years of practice did not equip me with the necessary tools to overcome difficulties in my daily activities. I asked questions, offered solutions, offered advice, and yet attempts at behavior change often left me and the families I worked with feeling helpless and useless in my efforts. And suddenly two of my patients - a troubled teenager and a three-month-old girl who suffered from "colic" - completely changed everything.

I've been talking to fifteen-year-old Alex for almost 30 minutes: that's the amount of time prescribed for an ADHD assessment - attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. Then she invited his parents Carmen and Rick to the office. Alex sat on the corner of the table, hunched over, tightly wrapped in a jacket and stubbornly staring at the floor. Carmen and Rick, with their arms crossed over their chests, stood in front of me at the maximum possible distance from each other. My little office was filled with anger and alienation.

During my first meeting with Alex and his parents, I followed the usual ADHD diagnostic routine. Based on their responses to my questions, their son's behavior met all the criteria for this disorder on the ADHD rating scale. We agreed on the next visit: we were to continue the interview and discuss the treatment.

The second meeting took place a few weeks later, but during this time my approach to assessing the boy's condition completely changed. By that time, I was already studying at the Berkshire Psychoanalytic Institute. The Institute offered a specialized course for clinicians with no training in mental hygiene. Here I was confronted with ideas that were new to me and were not part of the pediatrician education curriculum—they are prepared with surprisingly little attention to the role of relationships in a child's growth and development.

At that time I was greatly influenced (and still is) by the work of pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott. He developed his ideas in post-war England, where, as in most Western countries, the mother was given, first of all, the basic tasks of caring for a child: feeding, bathing, dressing. The relationship between mother and child was not given much importance. During the Second World War, children were taken out of London, away from constant bombing, and separated from their families. Few people worried about what the separation would entail. Also, without thinking about the consequences, children were taken away from their parents for a long time during hospitalization. One of the first to think seriously about this was Winnicott.

Shortly before the second meeting with Alex and his parents, I studied Winnicott's work on the "true self". According to Winnicott, parents who are preoccupied with their problems have a distorted view of what their children really are and what their behavior says. The clearest illustration of Winnicott's ideas was a request from a mother I knew. She was very upset by the behavior of her eldest son: he always climbed ahead of everyone and strove to play the main role. He was five years old, the youngest was two years old. During one of the visits, a woman, sobbing, spoke about the death of her older brother. She was very small then. Parents, trying to get rid of difficult memories, moved to the other end of the country; in the house they never talked about the loss. When her children grew up and reached about the same age as she and her deceased brother, a wave of grief swept over the woman again.

The eldest son sat quietly on the floor and drew something, and then he climbed onto his mother's lap and handed her a picture: a little man was standing on the field. The boy said: "It's you, not me. " His behavior was typical of sibling rivalry, but his mother's grief, driven in for years, prevented her from seeing her children's relationships in perspective, and her own overreaction made matters worse. Having told her story in the quiet and safety of my office, she was able to see the “true self” of the eldest son and calmly and decisively draw the boundaries between what he can and what is not. The degree of rivalry between the brothers has dropped significantly.

The new knowledge gained at the institute helped me perceive and understand what was happening differently, in particular with Alex and his family, and suggest changes. Later, I was able to consciously reproduce my own work. These were the first steps on a long journey from correction to listening to patients as the main task of my work. It became clear that behavioral problems arose when there was no contact between parent and child - a situation Edward calls mismatch , or fail . Listening to the stories of parents, I saw that they begin to understand their own feelings that prevent them from seeing the "true self" of their children - often it was a whole tangle of emotions: shame, anger, grief. Now I was slow to diagnose and prescribe treatment, but I learned to listen with interest to parents and ask thought-provoking questions, for example: “How was your pregnancy?”, “How did your child behave in infancy?”, “Does he remind his the behavior of one of the family members? When parents are invited to talk in this way, they open up and tell their stories without hesitation. With the lessons I learned from Winnicott in mind, I listened to them so that together I could understand the meaning of children's problem behaviors. What is the child trying to tell us with this behavior? How to recognize his signals? And as soon as we were able to reach that precious moment when contact was restored in the family, dramatic changes occurred in the relationship and behavior of the child. This is exactly what happened to Alex and his family.

A few minutes after the start of the second meeting, Alex's mother, frustrated by her husband's remark, ran out of the office. Rick paid no attention to this and broke into a speech that consisted entirely of complaints about his son: "Lazy . .. Doesn't listen to anyone ... Doesn't think about anyone but himself ..." Wanting to test his impressions of Rick's reaction to trouble, and also trying to protect Alex from paternal anger, I hurried to turn the conversation to another topic and began to ask Rick about his affairs. What does he do at work? When does he usually return home? How much time does he spend with his family? Having the opportunity to talk about himself, Rick calmed down. I paused and a frank conversation began. Because I was just listening and not asking questions according to the ADHD rating scale, father and son relaxed, their postures no longer expressed tension and anger. They looked at each other for the first time. Rick, feeling more confident, no longer attacked Alex; he was able to confess how he was tormented by the widening gap between family members, how helpless he felt, trying to find contact with his grown son. Alex, in turn, with longing, but also with relief from the fact that he can finally speak out, said that he was afraid of parental quarrels, the subject of which often becomes himself. All the boy's thoughts were occupied by a family conflict, and therefore he abandoned school. Now I also perceived the situation differently: a spiral of signals unfolded in front of me, to which no one paid attention, and meanwhile, close people lost contact with each other. Carmen and Rick saw their obstinate and lazy son, Alex, constantly dissatisfied and disappointed parents. His behavior became a pretext for new parental quarrels, and the family plunged deeper and deeper into the abyss of mutual misunderstanding.

I refrained from criticizing Rick's hostile attitude towards his son, and through my questions showed an understanding that in any difficult circumstances, parents love their children and want the best for them. Rick got my point right. Our interaction allowed him to evaluate his son's behavior in a different way and, as a result, to restore contact with him.

Carmen returned to the office. She was amazed at the changed atmosphere. When we were convinced in the presence of Alex that we could trust each other, I suggested that the couple come back in a few weeks without their son. During this meeting, they reported that his behavior had improved significantly. Previously, his parents considered his antics to be manifestations of stubbornness and an expression of protest, but now they realized that this was their son's reaction to tension in the family and stress at school. They realized that Alex's behavior was just a way to communicate their feelings and experiences. In addition, Carmen and Rick admitted that their relationship was strained, but lately everything has been slowly falling into place. This time, the couple, talking about how they are pleased with the changes in their relationship with their son, looked at each other. Restoring the father-son bond gave Alex's parents the opportunity to rekindle their bond as well. The move from breakup to recovery led to positive changes in the family. It didn't take much effort on my part to interpret what was happening: I just gave Carmen and Rick space where they could calmly reflect on what was going on in their family.

During my studies at the Berkshire Institute for Psychoanalysis, I discovered the work of other great thinkers in the field of psychoanalysis and child development. The writings and perspectives of my colleague, the psychoanalyst Peter Fonagy of the Anna Freud Center in London, have given me the opportunity to rethink my own clinical experience. According to Fonagi, the ability to recognize that the differences between the intentions and motivations of other people may be different from yours - he calls this form of social cognition mentalization, - Rooted in relationships that arose in early childhood. Having become acquainted with the writings of Edward Tronick, I realized that he offers a scientific understanding of the truths formulated by Winnicott as a result of practical experience.

I learned that building trust is the same process I saw with Rick and Alex. The movement from misunderstanding to understanding, that is, the restoration of communication, allows you to form deeper attachments in society. The path to trust opened up for me and Rick because I did not condemn his outburst, but simply accepted his experience. In response, the father was completely liberated and finally managed to understand his son. All three of us went from anger and judgment to interested listening.

This turn of events has become familiar to me. I have noticed that once parents and I come to understand the meaning of the child's behavior, they usually understand what they should do and find solutions to behavioral problems.

The story with Alex and his parents became something like a “eureka moment” for me [1] , and I felt an urgent need to deal specifically with family relationships. At the time, pediatricians were increasingly diagnosing children with ADHD and bipolar disorder. I tried, through trial and error, to create an environment for families to move from breaking ties to reconnecting. My experiments were quite specific. For example, I began to set aside 50 minutes for appointments, instead of the standard half an hour, met with families in a more comfortable and spacious office. It was clear that a longer reception time and a comfortable, safe environment played a very important role. In addition, I moved from asking questions and giving advice to simply listening, often sitting next to small children on the floor. I have watched families unable to cope with anger and disunity find ways to reunite, reconnect; the babies threw themselves into their mother's arms. Often, watching my loved ones rediscover the joy of love, I felt tears welling up in my eyes ... and then my hands trembled for a long time. Such moments served as a powerful incentive for me to share my discoveries with both parents and fellow pediatricians. Out of this experience was born my first book, Keeping Your Child in Mind, intended for parents and professionals alike.

My approach to work was also changed by the case of three-month-old Aliya – a girl was brought to me, allegedly suffering from excruciating colic. My friend, also a pediatrician, told me about it, realizing that standard recommendations are indispensable here. Usually parents do not mean by colic a disease or disorder - with this word they describe the restless behavior of the child, excessive crying and screaming. It is believed that colic is diagnosed by the “rule of three”: the baby cries for more than three hours a day, more than three days a week, and more than three weeks. Conventional approaches - motion sickness, white noise, various drops, changes in the mother's diet - did not bring results in this case.

Jacqueline, Alia's mother, was diagnosed with postpartum depression. The doctor recommended an increase in the dose of antidepressants, but Jacqueline, already not herself from the drugs, was afraid that in this case she would not be able to fully deal with the child.

Jacqueline came to the appointment with her partner. She did not know how to cope with the deepening depression of a loved one, especially since by that time she had returned to work. Jacqueline showed me a vivid example of her condition: among other things, she unloaded a bag of freshly bought groceries from the car. One apple fell out of the bag and rolled down the path. The woman burst into tears.

I didn't make any appointments. I just sat on the floor with my spouse and began to observe the behavior of the child. Alia was born slightly premature, at thirty-six weeks pregnant. At the hospital, she was placed in a regular room, not in a neonatal ward requiring special attention, and none of the doctors and nurses warned her parents about the possible complications. Meanwhile, pediatricians know that babies born a week or two premature have incompletely matured nervous systems, making their behavioral signals more difficult to decipher. So, we were sitting on the floor, watching the baby sleeping peacefully, and suddenly Kayla sneezed. Aliya huddled into a ball, her arms flew up over her head, she woke up and screamed piercingly. Jacqueline jumped up, grabbed the baby in her arms and began to pace the room, violently rocking her. Kayla looked at me, "You see?"

I nodded. We sat and waited to see what would happen next. Alia calmed down after a minute. I shared my observations: most likely, due to the fact that the girl was born prematurely, she is more sensitive to external stimuli, which parents should always remember. It is especially important to try to avoid violations of the regime, sudden changes. Both mothers listened to me carefully. Now Jacqueline understood her daughter's behavior differently and stopped blaming herself for being a bad mother and doing something wrong. Feelings of inadequacy and anxiety began to gradually recede.

I was very pleased and even a little surprised when, at the next meeting, Jacqueline stated that she was feeling much better. Although I did not make any recommendations for colic treatment directly, the time spent listening and understanding was well spent: Alia's behavior changed, Jacqueline's mood improved, their relationship returned to normal. The girl still screamed from time to time, but her mother believed that she could already cope with her. Jacqueline was treated with medication for depression, and I gave her the coordinates of a psychotherapist. However, she decided to go the other way - she chose to enroll in a yoga class.

Jacqueline entered my office smiling at her daughter, who was looking at her adoringly from her car seat. I saw that they enjoy each other. What, in your opinion, was the impetus for change? I asked. Jacqueline explained that during the last meeting, I heard both her and Kayla. She felt that now Kayla truly understands and supports her. Jacqueline also realized that it was not her fault that Aliya was constantly crying, and her crying was not the result of her mother's inadequacy. The woman stopped reproaching herself and doubting her abilities, which gave her the opportunity to better understand her daughter's behavior and respond to it more correctly. The girl, in turn, became calmer and less likely to cry.

Working on behavioral problems in children of all ages, from infancy to adolescence, I have listened to endless tales of broken or broken relationships. And I came to the conclusion that even if the roots of the problems go far into the past, you still don’t need to spare time to listen to both parents and children and try to make sure that they hear each other. Relationships can always be restored - regardless of the age of the children. I realized that the behavioral problems of every child lie in relationships with important people for him. And when I focused on rebuilding relationships rather than changing a child's behavior, the child's development often went in a completely different direction.

Unfortunately, recognition of the importance of relationships in understanding a child's behavior often becomes a reason for blaming parents. People believe that children's problem behavior is the result of parental misbehavior. However, a more constructive approach involves the adoption of the following idea: when relationships are distorted, individuals begin to fight for them. If the problem concerns everyone in the family, as in the case of Aliya, then the reaction to this problem of the one who cares for the child becomes part of the relationship. Each side has its own role. In fulfilling these roles, the parties influence each other. When we, without judging or blaming anyone, consider struggle in the context of relationships, connections are restored and relationships improve. This applies not only to the period of childhood - relationships are built throughout life.

Shortly after Aliya's story, a member of the Berkshire Psychoanalytic Institute told me about a new infant mental health program, a growing area of ​​research in developmental psychology, neuroscience and genetics to create models of prevention, intervention and treatment. Looking at the program's website, I immediately realized that this is exactly what I should be doing. It was based on a similar program adopted in the Western United States, led by Edward Tronic and nurse practitioner Christy Brandt. It turned out that Ed led the implementation of an updated version of the program designed for the East Coast. A few years earlier, I had listened to Edward speak, and while studying at the institute, I learned about his concept of "stone face" and in the fall of 2010 I applied for participation in the program. During the year I attended lectures and studied under the guidance of leading researchers from all over the world. Usually classes were held once a month, on the "long weekend" - Friday, Saturday and Sunday. During intense friendly discussions with thirty other participants in the program, representing a variety of areas, including nursing, psychiatry, early intervention, social work, rehabilitation therapy, physical therapy, early childhood education, I sought new interpretations and new understanding of my clinical experience. Immersed in the research that Edward had been doing since the early 1970s, I learned about new models of development. Thus began our collaboration, which served as the impetus for the creation of this book.

There are ups and downs in relations

Kyrgyzstan adopted on July 20 a resolution on the unilateral denunciation of the framework agreement between Bishkek and Washington, signed on May 19, 1993, effective August 20, which facilitated the provision of assistance to Kyrgyzstan by the United States. Bishkek explained This is because the award of the US State Department Prize to Azimzhan Askarov called into question the constructiveness and equality of bilateral cooperation. Late last week, Chief Deputy Assistant Secretary of State Richard Hoagland visited Kyrgyzstan and gave an interview to Evening Bishkek.

- Mr. Ambassador, how are candidates for the Defender of Human Rights Award selected?

- First of all let me thank Vecherniy Bishkek for the interview. I would like to note that we had a rather long and useful meeting with Deputy Foreign Minister Askar Beshimov. We have been frank with each other, we have spoken directly about the issues, and we see this meeting as the first step of many in terms of discussing the issue that you mentioned.

Regarding your specific question, our selection of nominees for the award was guided by the United Nations Declaration on Human Rights Defenders, which sets out many factors for nominating people who have been active in the defense of human rights for many years alone or as part of a group. So the choice was made according to international standards.

- The Kyrgyz authorities say that by rewarding Askarov, who was found guilty of complicity in the murder by all judicial authorities of the country, the United States went on a specially planned provocation ...

- Such awards are not given for any one an event or deed is an assessment of the merits of all life activities. Askarov has been defending the rights of citizens for many years. I assure you that this was not a provocation, let alone a planned one. We are very surprised by such a harsh reaction from the government of Kyrgyzstan.

- The government and President Atambaev say that the courts in Kyrgyzstan are independent, and they recognized Askarov as a criminal whose guilt has been proven by all instances. Does the American side have any evidence of Askarov's innocence?

- We do not raise the issue of his guilt or innocence in the events of 2010. He was awarded for his previous activities, when for 15 years he defended the rights of the citizens of Kyrgyzstan, and all the citizens of Kyrgyzstan, and not any particular group.

- That's good, but if he was an accomplice in the murder, this fact negates all his previous merits. A person can be law-abiding for 60 years, but one single offense will make him a criminal, and this offense cannot be ignored, assessing his activities throughout his life.

- The US has been cooperating with Kyrgyzstan for 23 years since independence. Diplomatic relations are like relationships between people or within a family: sometimes they are better, sometimes worse, sometimes there are temporary breakdowns, but the main thing is to have a commitment to continue the relationship. And we have it, we are doing it, we are interested in it, we offer it. There is not a single reason in the whole world for which the US would want to destabilize the situation in Kyrgyzstan. It would be nonsense, it would make no sense at all.

- In its very first statement, the Kyrgyz Foreign Ministry linked Askarov's award with last year's closing of the central heating center in Manas. ..

- There is no connection between these two events, I will even repeat: no connection. We have been working together for many years on important regional issues. I thanked Beshimov for TsTP, which was extremely important for us, but only for a certain period of time. The situation is changing, life goes on, Bishkek said it was time to close the central heating center, we answered - okay. We were not at all angry, we have many other opportunities, it was your decision.

It is important that we continue to cooperate in the new conditions, we understand this. One important thing to note is that the United States never planned to have a permanent military base in Kyrgyzstan or anywhere else in Central Asia. It was needed only for specific purposes in specific conditions. From the very beginning we said: we will leave. And we left.

- Don't you think that a third party influenced Kyrgyzstan's decision?

- Third party influence? I don't have any ideas about it, I don't know anything about it. I understand what you mean, but I am a diplomat, so I will not answer this question.

- How can this denunciation affect the future relations between the two countries?

- It's too early to talk about this in detail. We have used the agreement for 23 years to provide assistance and support to the government of Kyrgyzstan and especially the people of your country in the field of education, health, business development. In many other areas, too, the people of Kyrgyzstan received assistance, we would like to continue such relations, but we must first study how we can now carry out such tasks without the basic agreement concluded in 1993 year.

- Can such agreements be renegotiated? What are the mechanisms?

- Honestly, it's too early to talk about it. But I assure you that we will continue to discuss such issues in detail with Kyrgyz officials. We will determine what can be done, but so far no one is talking about a new agreement. It takes time.

- What is the current state of relations between Kyrgyzstan and the US as a whole?

- Mutual relations, including diplomatic ones, go through ups and downs, but we must always find ways to continue mutually beneficial cooperation, respect each other, trust each other in order to develop relations in a positive direction. We will find such ways in this case as well, but now only at the beginning of the process.

- Kyrgyzstan has joined the EAEU, ISIS is becoming more active on its southeastern borders, parliamentary elections will be held in autumn... How is the general situation in Kyrgyzstan and the region perceived in Washington?

- From the very beginning, the US supported the sovereignty and independence of Kyrgyzstan and its territorial integrity. It doesn't change today and it won't change in the future. We are trying to maintain long-term relations, I am sure that we will find ways to bring our governments closer together and especially to maintain bilateral contacts between peoples.

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