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Tips for raising kids


9 Steps to More Effective Parenting (for Parents)

Raising kids is one of the toughest and most fulfilling jobs in the world — and the one for which you might feel the least prepared.

These 9 child-rearing tips can help you feel more fulfilled as a parent.

1. Boost Your Child's Self-Esteem

Kids start developing their sense of self as babies when they see themselves through their parents' eyes. Your tone of voice, your body language, and your every expression are absorbed by your kids. Your words and actions as a parent affect their developing self-esteem more than anything else.

Praising accomplishments, however small, will make them feel proud; letting kids do things independently will make them feel capable and strong. By contrast, belittling comments or comparing a child unfavorably with another will make kids feel worthless.

Avoid making loaded statements or using words as weapons. Comments like "What a stupid thing to do!" or "You act more like a baby than your little brother!" cause damage just as physical blows do.

Choose your words carefully and be compassionate. Let your kids know that everyone makes mistakes and that you still love them, even when you don't love their behavior.

2. Catch Kids Being Good

Have you ever stopped to think about how many times you react negatively to your kids in a given day? You may find yourself criticizing far more often than complimenting. How would you feel about a boss who treated you with that much negative guidance, even if it was well-intentioned?

The more effective approach is to catch kids doing something right: "You made your bed without being asked — that's terrific!" or "I was watching you play with your sister and you were very patient." These statements will do more to encourage good behavior over the long run than repeated scoldings.

Make a point of finding something to praise every day. Be generous with rewards — your love, hugs, and compliments can work wonders and are often reward enough. Soon you will find you are "growing" more of the behavior you would like to see.

3. Set Limits and Be Consistent With Your Discipline

Discipline is necessary in every household. The goal of discipline is to help kids choose acceptable behaviors and learn self-control. They may test the limits you establish for them, but they need those limits to grow into responsible adults.

Establishing house rules helps kids understand your expectations and develop self-control. Some rules might include: no TV until homework is done, and no hitting, name-calling, or hurtful teasing allowed.

You might want to have a system in place: one warning, followed by consequences such as a "time out" or loss of privileges. A common mistake parents make is failure to follow through with the consequences. You can't discipline kids for talking back one day and ignore it the next. Being consistent teaches what you expect.

4. Make Time for Your Kids

It's often hard for parents and kids to get together for a family meal, let alone spend quality time together. But there is probably nothing kids would like more. Get up 10 minutes earlier in the morning so you can eat breakfast with your child or leave the dishes in the sink and take a walk after dinner. Kids who aren't getting the attention they want from their parents often act out or misbehave because they're sure to be noticed that way.

Many parents find it rewarding to schedule together time with their kids. Create a "special night" each week to be together and let your kids help decide how to spend the time. Look for other ways to connect — put a note or something special in your kid's lunchbox.

Teens seem to need less undivided attention from their parents than younger kids. Because there are fewer windows of opportunity for parents and teens to get together, parents should do their best to be available when their teen does express a desire to talk or participate in family activities. Attending concerts, games, and other events with your teen communicates caring and lets you get to know more about your child and his or her friends in important ways.

Don't feel guilty if you're a working parent. It is the many little things you do — making popcorn, playing cards, window shopping — that kids will remember.

5. Be a Good Role Model

Young kids learn a lot about how to act by watching their parents. The younger they are, the more cues they take from you. Before you lash out or blow your top in front of your child, think about this: Is that how you want your child to behave when angry? Be aware that you're constantly being watched by your kids. Studies have shown that children who hit usually have a role model for aggression at home.

Model the traits you wish to see in your kids: respect, friendliness, honesty, kindness, tolerance. Exhibit unselfish behavior. Do things for other people without expecting a reward. Express thanks and offer compliments. Above all, treat your kids the way you expect other people to treat you.

6. Make Communication a Priority

You can't expect kids to do everything simply because you, as a parent, "say so. " They want and deserve explanations as much as adults do. If we don't take time to explain, kids will begin to wonder about our values and motives and whether they have any basis. Parents who reason with their kids allow them to understand and learn in a nonjudgmental way.

Make your expectations clear. If there is a problem, describe it, express your feelings, and invite your child to work on a solution with you. Be sure to include consequences. Make suggestions and offer choices. Be open to your child's suggestions as well. Negotiate. Kids who participate in decisions are more motivated to carry them out.

7. Be Flexible and Willing to Adjust Your Parenting Style

If you often feel "let down" by your child's behavior, perhaps you have unrealistic expectations. Parents who think in "shoulds" (for example, "My kid should be potty-trained by now") might find it helpful to read up on the matter or to talk to other parents or child development specialists.

Kids' environments have an effect on their behavior, so you might be able to change that behavior by changing the environment. If you find yourself constantly saying "no" to your 2-year-old, look for ways to alter your surroundings so that fewer things are off-limits. This will cause less frustration for both of you.

As your child changes, you'll gradually have to change your parenting style. Chances are, what works with your child now won't work as well in a year or two.

Teens tend to look less to their parents and more to their peers for role models. But continue to provide guidance, encouragement, and appropriate discipline while allowing your teen to earn more independence. And seize every available moment to make a connection!

8. Show That Your Love Is Unconditional

As a parent, you're responsible for correcting and guiding your kids. But how you express your corrective guidance makes all the difference in how a child receives it.

When you have to confront your child, avoid blaming, criticizing, or fault-finding, which hurt self-esteem and can lead to resentment. Instead, try to nurture and encourage, even when disciplining your kids. Make sure they know that although you want and expect better next time, your love is there no matter what.

9. Know Your Own Needs and Limitations as a Parent

Face it — you are an imperfect parent. You have strengths and weaknesses as a family leader. Recognize your abilities — "I am loving and dedicated." Vow to work on your weaknesses — "I need to be more consistent with discipline." Try to have realistic expectations for yourself, your partner, and your kids. You don't have to have all the answers — be forgiving of yourself.

And try to make parenting a manageable job. Focus on the areas that need the most attention rather than trying to address everything all at once. Admit it when you're burned out. Take time out from parenting to do things that will make you happy.

Focusing on your needs does not make you selfish. It simply means you care about your own well-being, which is another important value to model for your children.

Top 10 Good Parenting Tips

| What makes a good parent | How to be a good parent – Top 10 tips |

Parenting is not easy. Good parenting is hard work.

What makes a good parent?

A good parent is someone who strives to make decisions in the best interest of the child.

What makes a great parent isn’t only defined by the parent’s actions, but also their intention.

A good parent doesn’t have to be perfect. No one is perfect. No child is perfect either … keeping this in mind is important when we set our expectations.

Successful parenting is not about achieving perfection. But it doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t work towards that goal. Set high standards for ourselves first and then our children second. We serve as important role models for them.

Top 10 Parenting Tips

Here are 10 good parenting tips on how to be a better parent, learn good parenting skills and avoid bad parenting.

Many of them are not quick or easy.

And probably no one can do all of them all of the time.

But if you can keep working on the tips in this parenting guide, you will still be moving in the right direction even though you may only do part of these some of the time.

#1 Be A Good Role Model

Walk the walk. Don’t just tell your child what you want them to do.

The best way to teach is to show them.

Human is a special species in part because we can learn by imitation​1​. We are programmed to copy others’ actions, understand them, and incorporate them into our own. Children, in particular, watch everything their parents do very carefully.

So, be the person you want your child to be — respect your child, show them positive behavior and attitude, have empathy towards your child’s emotion — and your child will follow suit.

#2: Love Them And Show Them Through Action

Show your love.

There is no such thing as loving your child too much. Loving them cannot spoil them​2​.

Only what you choose to do (or give) in the name of love can — things like material indulgence, leniency, low expectation, and over-protection. When these things are given in place of real love, that’s when you’ll have a spoiled child.

Loving your child can be as simple as giving them hugs, spending quality time with them, having family meals together, and listening to your child’s problems seriously.

Showing these acts of love can trigger the release of feel-good hormones such as oxytocin. These neurochemicals can bring us a deep sense of calm, emotional warmth, and contentment; from these, the child, will develop resilience and not to mention a closer relationship with you ​3​.

For more help on calming tantrums, check out this step-by-step guide

#3: Practice Kind And Firm Positive Parenting

Babies are born with around 100 billion brain cells (neurons) with relatively few connections. These connections create our thoughts, drive our actions, shape our personalities, and basically determine who we are. They are created, strengthened, and “sculpted” through life experiences.

Give your child positive family interaction, especially in the early years. They will then be able to experience positive experiences themselves and offer them to others​4​.

But if you give your child negative experiences, they won’t have the kind of development necessary for them to thrive.

Sing that silly song. Have a tickle marathon. Go to the park. Laugh with your child. Give them positive attention. Ride through an emotional tantrum with them. Solve a problem together with a positive attitude.

These positive experiences create good neural connections in your child’s brain and form the memories of you that your child carries for life.

When it comes to discipline, it seems hard to remain positive, especially when dealing with behavior problems. But it is possible by using positive discipline and avoiding harsh discipline.

Being a good parent means you need to teach your child the morals of what is right and what is wrong.

Setting limits and being consistent is the golden rule to good discipline. Be kind and firm when you set rules and enforce them. Focus on the reason behind the child’s misbehavior. And make it an opportunity for them to learn for the future in a positive way, rather than to get punished for the past.

Related: How To Deal With Toddler Tantrums

#4: Be A Safe Haven For Your Child

Let your child know that you’ll always be there for them by being responsive to your child’s signals and sensitive to their needs. Support and accept your child as an individual. Be a warm and safe place for your child to explore from and return to.

Children raised by parents who are consistently responsive tend to have better emotional regulation development, social skills development, and mental health outcomes​5​.

#5: Talk With Your Child And Help Their Brains Integrate

Most of us already know the importance of communication. Talk to your child and also listen to them carefully. By keeping an open line of communication, you’ll have a better relationship with your child and your child will come to you when there’s a problem.

But there’s another reason for communication. You help your child integrate different parts of their brain, a critical process in a child’s development.

Integration is similar to our body, in which different organs must coordinate and work together to maintain a healthy body. When different parts of the brain are integrated, they can function harmoniously as a whole, which means fewer tantrums, more good behavior, more empathy, and better mental well-being​6​.

To do that, talk through troubling experiences. Ask your child to describe what happened and how they felt to develop attuned communication​7​.

You don’t have to provide solutions. You don’t need to have all the answers to be a good parent. Just listening to them talk. Ask clarifying questions using simple words will help them make sense of their experiences and integrate their memories.

#6: Reflect On Your Own Childhood

Many of us want to parent differently from our parents. Even those who had a good upbringing and a happy childhood may want to change some aspects of how they were brought up.

But very often, when we open our mouths, we speak just like our own parents did.

Reflecting on our own childhood is a step towards understanding why we parent the way we do. Make note of things you’d like to change and think of how you’d do it differently in a real scenario. Try to be mindful and change your behavior the next time those issues come up.

Don’t give up if you don’t succeed at first. It takes practice, lots of practice to consciously change one’s child-rearing methods.

#7: Pay Attention To Your Own Well-Being

Parents need relief too.

Pay attention to your own well-being to prevent parental burnout.

Oftentimes, things such as your own needs or the health of your marriage are kept on the back burner when a child is born. If you don’t pay attention to them, they will become bigger problems down the road​8​. Take time to strengthen your relationship with your spouse.

Stressed-out parents are more prone to fighting. Don’t be afraid to ask for parenting help. Having some “me time” for self-care and stress management is important to rejuvenate the mind.

How parents take care of their child physically and mentally will make a big difference in their parenting and family life. If these two areas fail, your child will suffer, too.

#8: Do Not Spank, No Matter What

No doubt, to some parents, spanking can bring about short-term compliance which sometimes is a much-needed relief for the parents.

However, this method doesn’t teach the child right from wrong. It only teaches the child to fear external consequences. The child is then motivated to avoid getting caught with inappropriate behavior.

Spanking your child is modeling to your child that he/she can resolve issues by violence​9​. A child who is spanked, smacked, or hit is more prone to fighting with other children. They are more likely to become bullies and to use verbal/physical aggression to solve disputes.

Later in life, they are also more likely to result in delinquency and oppositional behavior, worse parent-child relationships, mental health issues, and domestic violence victims or abusers​10​.

There are a variety of better alternatives to discipline that have been proven to be more effective​11​, such as positive discipline (Tip #3 above) and positive reinforcement.

#9: Keep Things In Perspective And Remember Your Parenting Goal

What is your goal in raising a child?

If you’re like most parents, you want your child to do well in school, be productive, be responsible and independent, be respectful, enjoy positive relationships with you and others, be caring and compassionate, and have a happy, healthy and fulfilling life.

But how much time do you spend working towards those goals?

If you’re like most parents, you probably spend most of the time just trying to get through the day. As authors, Siegel and Bryson, point out in their book, The Whole-Brain Child,

instead of helping your child thrive, you spend most of time just trying to survive!

To not let the survival mode dominate your life, next time you feel angry or frustrated, step back. Think about what anger and frustration will do for you or your child.

Instead, find ways to turn every negative experience into a learning opportunity for them. Even epic tantrums can be turned into invaluable brain-sculpting moments if you focus on teaching your child, not trying to control them.tip

Doing these will not only help you keep a healthy perspective, but you are also working on one of your primary goals in parenting — building a good relationship with your child.

#10: Take A Shortcut By Utilizing Findings In Latest Psychology And Neuroscience Research

By shortcuts, I don’t mean shortchanging your child with tricks. What I mean is to take advantage of what is already known by scientists.

Parenting is one of the most researched fields in psychology. Many parenting techniques, practices, or traditions have been scientifically researched, verified, refined, or refuted.

For best parenting advice for raising a child and information that are backed by science, here is one of my favorite science-based parenting books, The Science of Parenting.

Using scientific knowledge is of course not a one-size-fits-all strategy. Every child is different. Even within the best parenting style, there can be many different effective parenting practices you can choose according to your child’s temperament.

A good example is using spanking to discipline. There are many better alternatives, e.g. redirection, reasoning, time-in, etc. You can choose a non-punitive discipline method that works best for your child.

Of course, you can also choose to use “traditional” or “old school” parenting styles (e.g. punishing or spanking) and may still get a “similar” outcome.

Differential susceptibility has shown us that children with different temperaments react to the quality of parenting differently.

Those who are more susceptible to parenting quality will have better outcomes under good parenting but worse outcomes under bad parenting.

Those who are less susceptible may “turn out fine” no matter how tough their parents treat them. But it doesn’t mean those practices are good. These children are simply lucky. They can thrive despite bad parenting, not because of it.

Why take a chance with sub-par parenting practices when you can use well-researched, better ones?

The importance of parenting cannot be underestimated. Taking science-based parental advice may not be the easiest way to parent. It may require more work on your part in the short term but can save you lots of time and agony in the long run.

Also See: What is the worst age to lose a parent

Final Thoughts On Parenting

The good thing is, that although parenting is hard, it is also very rewarding. The bad part is the rewards usually come much later than the hard work. But if we try our best now, we will eventually reap the rewards and have nothing to regret.

To Happy Parenting!

Also See: Parenting Quotes

References

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    Rizzolatti G, Craighero L. The mirror-neuron system. Annu Rev Neurosci. 2004;27:169-192. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/15217330.

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    Landry S, Smith K, Swank P, Assel M, Vellet S. Does early responsive parenting have a special importance for children’s development or is consistency across early childhood necessary? Dev Psychol. 2001;37(3):387-403. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11370914.

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    Viero C, Shibuya I, Kitamura N, et al. REVIEW: Oxytocin: Crossing the Bridge between Basic Science and Pharmacotherapy. CNS Neuroscience & Therapeutics. July 2010:e138-e156. doi:10.1111/j.1755-5949.2010.00185.x

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    Bradley B, Davis TA, Wingo AP, Mercer KB, Ressler KJ. Family environment and adult resilience: contributions of positive parenting and the oxytocin receptor gene. European Journal of Psychotraumatology. September 2013:21659. doi:10.3402/ejpt.v4i0.21659

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    Landry SH, Smith KE, Swank PR, Guttentag C. A responsive parenting intervention: The optimal timing across early childhood for impacting maternal behaviors and child outcomes. Developmental Psychology. 2008:1335-1353. doi:10.1037/a0013030

  6. 6.

    Fishbane MD. Wired to connect: Neuroscience, relationships, and therapy. Family process. 2007;46(3):395-412.

  7. 7.

    Siegel DJ. Mindful awareness, mindsight, and neural integration. The Humanistic Psychologist. 2009:137-158. doi:10.1080/08873260902892220

  8. 8.

    Maternal depression and child development. Paediatr Child Health. 2004;9(8):575-598. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19680490.

  9. 9.

    Gershoff ET. Corporal punishment by parents and associated child behaviors and experiences: A meta-analytic and theoretical review. Psychological Bulletin. 2002:539-579. doi:10.1037/0033-2909.128.4.539

  10. 10.

    Gershoff E, Grogan-Kaylor A. Spanking and child outcomes: Old controversies and new meta-analyses. J Fam Psychol. 2016;30(4):453-469. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/27055181.

  11. 11.

    Effective discipline for children. Paediatr Child Health. 2004;9(1):37-50. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19654979.

About Pamela Li

Pamela Li is a bestselling author. She is the Founder and Editor-in-Chief of Parenting For Brain. Her educational background is in Electrical Engineering (MS, Stanford University) and Business Management (MBA, Harvard University). Learn more

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15 tips for raising children


Irina Balmanzhi

All parents dream of raising a healthy, intelligent and happy child. Usually moms and dads rely only on their own intuition, although today there is a lot of research on the development of children. So why wander in the dark and rediscover America? We have selected 15 tips that will help you approach parenting more meaningfully.

1. Learn to understand the child from the first months of his life. nine0009

Understanding the child's personality should begin from the moment he takes his first breath. Be constantly aware of what your child is thinking. Both literally and figuratively. Squat down so that your eyes are at the level of the baby's eyes, and see the world the way he sees.

If your baby is constantly crying in unfamiliar surroundings, then you, as an understanding parent, will hear him say to you: “It's too much for me. Let's not do it all at once." Or: “Maybe you can show me this in a month or two?” The ability to understand allows you to tune into the same wavelength, get to know your child and learn to trust your instincts in dealing with him. nine0004

Retrieved

Nothing justifies your neglecting your child. Our little ones need us to be close to them, to be wise and strong so that we can come to their aid. We are the best teachers for them, and in the first three years of their life, the only ones. We must be patient and understanding parents so that children can develop the best qualities in themselves.

2. Talk to your baby.

Telling a baby what is happening and what he is experiencing means not only showing respect for him, but also helping to get to know himself and the world. nine0004

Try to always tell your child about what will happen to him in the near future. If you're going to pick him up, let him know, "I'm going to pick you up now so we can change your diaper." Then wait for his "answer" and slowly do what you were going to do. The child will have time to relax, because he knows that there will be no surprises.

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Tell what you see or what you will do with your child: “You rub your eyes. You seem to be tired"; "Now I'm putting soap on the shelf"; "Let's button your pajamas." nine0004

Be honest with your child about how you feel. This will reduce stress and create a foundation for lifelong open communication: “I'm tired. It's three o'clock in the afternoon and I want to sleep. I don't know what you want"; "You cry and cry and I don't know what to do"; “I can sit here all day and just look at you. I very love you".

3. Observe what the child looks at, says and does.

Perhaps it makes sense to keep a diary. Set aside regular time to supervise your child. Sit comfortably nearby so you can see and hear him and the other children he plays with. Take notes on what you see: over time, you will have an interesting collection of notes about the behavior of the child at different ages. nine0004

In addition, it will help you notice a new pattern of behavior. Try to interpret the child's behavior. If you notice that he has a new hobby, think about what to offer him in order to maintain and increase interest.

Retrieved

As a child grows, their preferences, interests, and abilities change unpredictably. Every time you watch him, try to forget how he acted before and focus on what is happening now. Pay attention to what toys he chooses. How does he use them? Does he prefer to play alone or with other children? Do you notice characteristic features in his behavior over time? nine0004

Watch how your child moves around the house: quietly and neatly or noisily and knocking everything in its path? Is there a room in the house that he especially likes? What attracts him there? Pay attention to what kind of food the child likes the most.

Try not to interfere with your child's activities while observing. The goal is to understand what he is doing, not to correct him.

4. Teach your baby to order.

A key element in teaching a child daily habits is maintaining general order. If you teach a child that every thing has its own place, where it needs to be returned after use, he will quickly accept this and he will form a sense of order. nine0004

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Disorder and chaos quickly arise in the house if things are not put away, but left scattered. Children are especially susceptible to this. They are real masters when you need to put "the whole house upside down", and it is difficult for most to clean up after themselves. An effective approach in this case is to teach the child to clean up after himself immediately when he moves from one activity to another.

Some children have a natural sense of order, but any child can be taught to work and play neatly without limiting their creativity and enjoyment of the game. The main thing is to establish a ground rule and gently but persistently teach the child that he can take any toy from the shelf and play with it as much as he wants, but then he must put it in its place before taking a new one. nine0004

5. Read books aloud.

Reading from the first day of life develops literacy and a love of books long before the baby can read on its own. How and how much a parent reads to a child in the first years of life has a significant impact on his readiness for school and a certain life trajectory.

The value of reading has long been known. Organizations such as Reach Out and Read, Raising Readers and Reading Rainbow have been talking about its benefits for decades. nine0004

In 2014, the American Academy of Pediatrics issued a new recommendation that all parents should read books to their children from birth. There are many scientific works in support of this concept.

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Research shows that children who are read to in their early years have a larger vocabulary and better math skills as early as elementary school. There is also evidence that parents who read enthusiastically increase the child's desire to learn to read, and subsequently he reads more and more. nine0004

6. Be empathetic to your child's feelings, help him sort out his emotions and teach him how to deal with them.

Parents who practice this attitude may suddenly realize that as the family learns more about emotional parenting, their children will begin to behave better. This happens for several reasons.

First, parents who use emotional parenting always respond to their children's emotions before they become too intense. In other words, emotions do not have time to gain a degree, as the child receives the attention that he seeks. nine0004

Over time, children begin to feel confident that their parents understand them, empathize with them and are interested in everything that happens in their lives. Children do not have to act up just to feel the participation of their parents.

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Second, if parents engage in emotional nurturing from an early age, their children become masters of the art of self-soothing and can remain calm under stress, which in turn reduces their chances of misbehaving. nine0004

Thirdly, parents who engage in emotional education do not judge their children for showing emotions, so they have fewer conflicts. In other words, children are not scolded for crying out of frustration or for expressing anger. However, parents set certain boundaries and clearly and consistently explain what behavior is acceptable and what is not. When children know the rules and understand the consequences of breaking them, they are more likely to behave well.

Finally, this parenting style strengthens the emotional bond between parents and children, so children become more sensitive to their parents' requests. They see their parents as their confidants and allies and want to please, not disappoint them. nine0004

7. Restrict access to the TV.

If children watch TV uncontrollably, several problems may arise. The first is scenes containing violence. In a year, a child can see thousands of murders, fights, accidents and explosions. It is obvious that the values ​​and approach to solving problems that are shown on TV are different from ours.

It is disturbing that watching TV has an almost hypnotic effect. Many parents say that young children can sit in front of the TV for hours. They stare at the screen for a long time, in fact, in a trance. Watching TV is a passive activity at best. No thought, imagination or effort is needed. Quality programs for children are sometimes very interesting, but in general they are far from ideal. nine0004

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TV viewing is best moderate and planned. Children do not need it to entertain themselves. Set reasonable rules. Decide on the programs you will allow to watch and decide how many hours a day your child can watch TV. Give your child a choice: “You can choose from these programs. But no more than three a day. What do you want to watch today?

8. Make sure your child gets enough sleep.

The fact that today's schoolchildren sleep an hour less at night than their peers thirty years ago has gone almost unnoticed. But we cannot afford to let things take their course. Sleep researchers have only recently been able to see and appreciate the damage that an hour of lack of sleep does to children. nine0004

Sleep is of great importance not only for a child's emotional stability and good academic performance. It is directly related to a number of problems that have not previously been associated with it, such as an increase in the incidence of childhood obesity and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.

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Some scientists believe that lack of sleep during the period of growth and development of the body can lead to irreparable changes in the structure of the brain, which cannot be eliminated by additional hours of sleep. nine0004

9. Praise for work, not for intelligence.

Try to praise the children not for their intelligence, but for the fact that they did a good job and put in a lot of effort. Experiments have shown that children who are praised for their intellectual abilities are more afraid of shame, and therefore avoid difficult tasks. And when they fail to cope with something, they are filled with a feeling of anxiety and self-doubt.

With each test, the results of such children, unlike those who are praised for their work, are getting worse and worse. Having matured, they are afraid of failure so much that they do not complete a single task, cannot decide on a profession, lose motivation, and do not even try to succeed. nine0004

10. Scold for specific actions, not for personal qualities.

If you scold your child for laziness, and not for not trying hard enough today, he will be sure not only that he is lazy, but also that his failures are due to constant and irreparable factors.

Whatever the circumstances, one should always criticize in an optimistic way. Scolding the child with the implication of constant and universal reasons, parents accustom him to a pessimistic worldview. If they mention correctable and specific factors, the child learns an optimistic style of thinking. nine0004

11. Do not try to keep your child busy if he is bored.

If your child is bored, it's time to change direction. Be careful: it is important to teach children to think and not be afraid to be alone with their thoughts. When a child is bored, the first thing he will think about is, “Now what?” Oddly enough, it is this thought that can be considered a source of true inspiration.

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The ability to fantasize is inherent in us from birth. When a child tries to invent something new, it turns on a certain part of the brain and awakens this ability. This is how he develops creative thinking. He learns to generate non-standard ideas, which will make him an interesting, original personality. nine0004

So the next time your child complains of being bored, try to resist the temptation to solve the problem and keep him busy. Help your child find a solution on their own. For example, ask him to complete the phrase “I can ________” five times.

12. Let children play a lot.

Free play is a natural way to teach a child to control the situation, to show him that he is not helpless. In games, children learn on their own, without adults, to make decisions, fix problems, and follow the rules. They also learn to communicate with people on an equal footing, and not just be obedient or disobedient subordinates. nine0004

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The situation is reversed at school: children cannot make their own decisions, their task is to do what they are told. Every time we increase the time a child spends in school or doing something under the guidance of adults, we reduce his ability to learn to control his life.

Children don't need more education. They need to be more free. They also need the ability to play safely and explore the world around them. They must have access to tools, ideas, and people (including playmates) to help them choose their own path. nine0004

13. Don't pressure introverts.

For introverted children, being in the classroom can be really painful. Noise from all sides, visual stimuli, strangers with whom you need to communicate. But most importantly, there is neither a suitable place nor time at school to be alone and "recharge the batteries."

Such children are forced to constantly be in uncomfortable conditions for them - they have to give answers at the blackboard, cope with a large amount of information, tolerate being interrupted, quickly switch from one topic to another and work in a group. Extroverted teachers usually misjudge the behavior of introverted students or consider them not very capable. nine0004

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Feeling pressure, the introvert is lost, and the teacher perceives this as a lack of interest in the subject. Remember, introverts may take longer to digest than others. Talk to your child, explain to him why this happens. Convince him not to get upset if something doesn't work out.

14. Help your child develop willpower.

How can you teach your child to resist temptation? Teach him to think about what reward he will receive in the future, and not about what he is deprived of at the moment. For example, if a first grader is bored doing homework, it is worth reminding him that, firstly, he will be proud of himself, having completed all the tasks, and secondly, he will be able to play with other children in the yard with a clear conscience. nine0004

In an interesting experiment, children were asked to eat one treat right now or wait a little and get two treats. Not everyone was able to show willpower. But those children who were persuaded to think more about the pleasant outcome and less focused on their immediate desires survived the wait much more often.

15. Negotiate.

“Parents who negotiate with teenagers know more about their children's lives than anyone else,” says New Orleans University professor Robert Laird. “Parents who set rules that are too rigid force children to circumvent and break them.” nine0004

Studies show that teenagers tell the least lies to parents who methodically monitor the implementation of the rules, but at the same time are ready to be flexible and listen to the opinion of children.

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If your child usually has to go to bed at 11 pm, but explains that he really wants to go to some activity, the best thing to say to parents is: “OK, only today you can come home at 1 am.” This approach helps children not to lie and respect the rules. Such cooperation helps maintain the natural authority of the parents. nine0004

Based on the materials of the books “Development of Willpower”, “My Child is an Introvert”, “There is an Artist in Everyone”, “Emotional Intelligence of a Child”, “Montessori Encyclopedia”, “Kid Knows Better”, “Secrets of a Sleepy Mom”, “Freedom to Learn ”,“ Myths of Education ”,“ Optimistic Child ”,“ Thirty Million Words ”.

Parents: 8 useful tips for raising children


Alena Lepilina

Every parent dreams of raising a healthy, happy and harmoniously developed child. Along the way, he encounters obstacles and unanswered questions. Or, on the contrary, there are too many answers and it is not clear which one is correct. It remains to rely on common sense and expert opinion. We chose useful tips from books based on the achievements of science and practice, which will be a good help for parents. nine0004

1. Let children play more often

Since 1955, the amount of time children spend playing has been decreasing, but they have increased levels of anxiety, more depression, feelings of helplessness, and at the same time childish narcissism and reduced empathy. Bad statistic. But it is in the power of adults, each of us, to give your child what he needs for harmonious development. The game in this sense is necessary as air.

Why does shortening of play time lead to emotional and social disorders? Play is a natural way to teach children how to solve their problems, control desires, manage emotions, look at a problem from different points of view, discuss disagreements and communicate with each other as equals. There is no other way to master these skills. That is why it is so important that the child spends a lot of time playing. nine0004

2. Stimulate curiosity

Children have an innate tendency to explore the world, which must be encouraged. One way to do this is to show all possible, most diverse options for solving problems. Experiments confirm this idea: if a child is immediately shown a single function of a toy during the game, he will come to the conclusion that it can do nothing else. But when the toy was given to the child "at the mercy", they guessed to use it in different ways, not in one way. nine0004

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The output is simple. Those who were not specially taught had no reason to think that they had been shown all the possible options, so they began to study it more carefully and discovered new uses for themselves. And this doesn't just apply to games. But also to life.

3. Allow your child to be friends with elders

In mixed age groups, young children have the opportunity to do things that would be too difficult or dangerous to do on their own or in a peer group. They can also learn something just by watching older guys and listening to their conversations. The older ones emotionally support the younger ones and take better care of them than their peers. nine0004

In the 1930s, Russian psychologist Lev Vygotsky coined the term "zone of proximal development." It means an activity that the child is not able to do alone or with peers, but can do with the help of more experienced people. Vygotsky assumed that children acquire new skills and develop thinking by interacting with others in their zone of proximal development.

This is why the opportunity to interact with older children is important for a child's physical, social, emotional and mental development. nine0004

4. Live The 4:30 AM Rule Yourself

Ultrarunner Travis Macy talks about the 4:30 AM rule that both his father and himself have always followed. It began, as you might guess, with an early rise. But that's not the point. At least not the whole point. Travis' father, Mark, was a father of two, worked hard on his career as a lawyer, enjoyed running and cycling, and began racing, which soon led him to ultramarathons. nine0004

And now, when he is over sixty, dad lives in the same mode, only now he wakes up at four in the morning (or even earlier). He participates in all the important moments in the life of his grandchildren and still never misses my competition. Incredible. Amazing.

Travis Macy grew up to be a wonderful family man, a loving father and an athlete with incredible fortitude - source

Training and competition went against his main tasks as a family man and a professional. But as someone who strives to live life to the fullest and succeed in everything, he was determined to make it all work together somehow. And he came up with. Dad knew the best time to work was early in the morning. While other people were sleeping or slowly rocking before the start of the working day, dad was already working. Waking up every morning no later than 4:30, dad had time to go to the office to work, then go for a lunch run, come back to work for a few hours, stop at the bike trail and ride a mountain bike on the way home and come home early enough to spend time with us and attend all of our extracurricular activities. nine0004

What is the meaning of this rule? As parents, you must be firm in your decisions.

Briefly, if you make a decision in advance, then when the time comes to act, you are no longer distracted by thoughts about whether you want to do it or not. Do not take this rule literally; getting up at 4:30 in the morning is just an example of how strong-willed it takes to be successful.

A firm inner commitment - to parenting, family, relationships (or a training program and a project at work) - is the most important thing one can do in life. This is where it all starts. And you are setting a good example for your children. nine0004

5. Support the child

Psychologists have developed a formula: 10,000 hours of practice equals expertise in any business. In studies of composers, basketball players, writers, skaters, pianists, chess players, hardened criminals, and so on, this number occurs with surprising regularity. Mozart began writing music at the age of 6, and his first great works appeared only at the age of 21. Or another example: it also takes about ten years to become a grandmaster. (Only the legendary Bobby Fischer achieved this honorary title faster: it took him nine years. But not three years or a year!) 10,000 hours is the equivalent of 3 hours of practice a day, or 30 hours a week for ten years. nine0004

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If you notice a talent in your child, let him discover it. Without parental support, it is impossible to earn 10,000 hours. Remember: 10,000 hours is a very, very long time. Children and young people cannot work that many hours alone. Parents need support and help. This style of parenting is called “co-development”. Its task is to actively "stimulate and evaluate the talents, skills and motivations of the child."

If you want to raise a genius (or at least not a miserable person), give your child the opportunity to do what he loves, without restrictions. nine0004

6. Teach children the difference between good and bad

If a bad deed is rewarded, then the young brain may identify it as beneficial in terms of the individual's survival. If a child gets support when being aggressive but not when he wants to interact, his brain can easily remember that aggression is good for his survival.

If a child receives a reward when he is sick and loses it when he recovers, he forms long-term bonds. nine0004

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The brain does not learn from parenting experts or etiquette textbooks. He learns on the basis of changes in the content of certain neurochemical substances in it. Each time you and your children have been rewarded or, on the contrary, felt threatened, you have added new circuits to the neural infrastructure that tells you where to look for respect, recognition and trust in the future.

7. Let your children feel happy more often

Happy moments in the past create special connections between neurons that are ready to produce “happy hormones” the next time you experience similar positive feelings. In other words, the more often your child feels happiness and joy, the easier it will be for him in adulthood. nine0004

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For example, a child who is highly respected by his parents because he knows how to use computers develops neural connections that allow him to expect greater joy when giving such help to other people. He repeats his actions, and new neural pathways for happiness appear in his nervous system.

Every positive moment strengthens neural pathways, and our brains are designed to "turn" to those pathways that are strongest and most used. A person accumulates experience from childhood, and then turns to it all his life. nine0004

8. Hug children more often

Touching and hugging is not a whim. There is a clear physiological basis that makes both adults and children happy when they show affection for each other. Oxytocin is the “happiness hormone” that is secreted by mammals.

Having children also causes a significant surge of oxytocin. And for both parents and children. Raising other people's children also increases oxytocin levels.

Oxytocin gives us the pleasure of being calm next to those we trust. This is not a conscious decision, but rather a physical sense of security. Neural pathways formed with the participation of oxytocin occur throughout our lives. And it is very important to form them in childhood so that the child more often feels the joy of life.

9. Leave the idea that you determine the future of your child

If we ourselves value freedom and are responsible for our actions, then we must respect the child's right to make his own way in life. Our aspirations cannot become the aspirations of a child, and vice versa. The search for one's own course begins at an early age. nine0004

To learn to take responsibility for themselves, children must learn to make decisions every hour, day, or year, and this they can only learn by doing.

All loving and caring parents care about the future of their children, so it is hard for them not to try to control them. But any attempt made under control will not lead to the goal.

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