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Dont touch my child


Dude, Don’t Touch My Kid

Parenting

by Jenna FitzGerald

Updated: 

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It starts innocently enough — you see a family taking an evening stroll, walking into the pews at church, or whizzing around the grocery store. Then something in your brain immediately clicks — cute child/baby = must hug/grab/poke, touch.

Dude, don’t touch my kid.

I’m not sure what it is that makes you think it’s okay to touch my child (or any child that isn’t your own). Are you so touch-deprived in your own relationships that you seek connections with anyone who gives you eye contact and waves their chubby hands in your direction? Do you feel unheard by your own peers so you seek attention in the easiest way possible? Is that just what they did “in the good old days”? Or perhaps someone actually told you it was okay to hug, kiss, or grab the hands of any child you deemed cute (who is this person?).

Regardless of your reason(s), I absolutely do not care. Yet, when I use the parental practice of giving my children bodily autonomy, I am met with gasps, sighs, and offended looks.

Dude, don’t touch my kid.

You are not thinking of a family’s circumstance when you unpermittedly touch their child. In fact, you’re clearly not thinking at all. Unless you know this family intimately, you do not know the struggles they face — the medical crosses they bear on a daily bases.

When I sit for 10 hours in the ER with my kidney disease ridden child who is running a 106 fever, I go through every possible scenario of where he could have picked up this bug. I text all of our friends, his babysitter, and his speech therapist. I wonder if he touched anything at the grocery store that wasn’t the twice-sanitized shopping cart. I pray, beg, and plead with God that we get competent nurses, and that the surgeon answers my calls and texts despite it being 8 p.m. on a Sunday.

Then I remember you. The older man/woman at church/Hobby Lobby/our neighborhood. You touched my kid. You didn’t know he’s fresh off his 10th kidney surgery in 2 years or that he has severe chronic kidney disease. But how could you? You never spoke to me. Yet you asked my child for a hug/gave him something random out of your purse/went to pinch his cheeks. Oh, I remember you. You scoffed at me when I pulled my child away and said “No thank you.” You rolled your eyes and huffed.

When I need to put my child in a headlock in order to get a catheterized urine sample, and wrap him up like a mummy (minus one arm) to get a good blood draw, I think of you. When his face turns purple from screaming, I think of you. When he looks at me a face full of tears and says, “No more mommy, please” or screams “Help me!”, I think of you.

I think of you, and I hate you. But most of all, I hate myself for failing (once again) to protect my child.

You may want to play devil’s advocate — “you dont know where the illness came from,” or “you cant protect him from everything. ” But I guarantee every person who has said this to me has never seen their child lying lifeless on a hospital, dying.

My children will be well-versed in saying “no thank you” or offering a fist-bump instead of a hug. If you know us, this may offend you. If you don’t know us, it may still offend you. But guess what? This isn’t about you.

So dude, don’t flipping touch my kid.

This article was originally published on

9 Ways To Tell Someone Not To Touch Your Kids & Respect Their Space

Life

by Britni de la Cretaz

Most parents have been there (or dreaded the thought of being there). You’re with your child, and someone crosses their personal space threshold by touching your kid. If you’re anything like me, a million thoughts race through your mind at once. Do I say something? What do I say? How do you tell someone not to touch your kid? What if they get mad at me?

Confronting someone who has just violated a physical boundary with your child is not easy, whether it’s a family member, friend, or total stranger. It’s not uncommon to find yourself feeling bad about saying something, or trying to rationalize it by telling yourself that person means well. But if you’re trying to teach your child healthy boundaries and consent, you have to practice what you preach. This means sometimes doing the hard job of stepping up and saying something when an adult (or another child) violates their boundaries.

It’s one thing to let it slide when it happens to you, but you shouldn’t compromise your child’s well-being — particularly if they’re too young to speak up for themselves — because you feel bad. If you want your kid to know that their body is their own, this means setting boundaries and enforcing them. There are plenty of ways to tell someone not to touch your kid, and you may choose to use a different method in different situations.

1

Be Straightforward

What This Looks Like: Say, “Please don’t touch my child without asking,” or, “They don’t like it when people touch them. ”

Why It Works: Straight and to the point, this one pulls no punches. If someone touches your child, whether it’s to feel their hair, give them a hug, or tickle them, you have a right to tell that person to back off.

When To Use It: When the boundary violation is egregious or when you just don’t have time for BS. Also good for when your child is too young to speak for themselves.

2

Interrupt The Behavior

What This Looks Like: Say, “We’re teaching our child about healthy boundaries. Could you ask me/them before touching them?”

Why It Works: This acts as a subtle callout, while also offering an explanation for the boundary you’re setting. It may also cause the person to stop and reconsider the next time they want to touch a child without asking.

When To Use It: This is a good tool in situations where you may have to interact with someone again, like a friend or family member. You’re teaching them your values so that they can continue to practice them while interacting with your family, while also providing a learning opportunity for when they interact with other children.

3

Ask Your Child For Permission

What This Looks Like: Turn to your child and ask, “Is it OK if this person touches you?”

Why It Works: This gives your child agency to set their own boundaries and learn to speak up when someone does something they may not like. It also causes the person doing the touching to step back and respect whatever your child’s response to the question is.

When To Use It: When you feel comfortable allowing your child to use their voice, or when you want to encourage them to speak for themselves.

4

Ask Your Child How They Feel

What This Looks Like: Ask your kid, “Do you like it when people touch you without permission?”

Why It Works: On top of giving your child the agency to speak for themselves, this method helps explain to the person who touched them why they should refrain from doing so. It can show them that it isn’t harmless, but actually may make a child feel uncomfortable.

When To Use It: When you want to make the person who touched your kid feel bad.

5

Praise Your Kid For Sharing Their Germs

What This Looks Like: Loudly say to your child, “Johnny, I’m so proud of you for sharing your stomach flu/mono/whooping cough/deadly cold with so-and-so!”

Why It Works: The person will reflexively jump back and/or feel kind of stupid.

When To Use It: When you’re looking for a lighthearted approach.

6

Tell Your Child It’s Time To Leave

What This Looks Like: Take your kid’s hand and say, “OK, Susie, we’re leaving now.” Walk away.

Why It Works: You have physically removed your child from the situation.

When To Use It: When the person who’s touched your kid is a stranger and you’re in a public place like a coffee shop, or when you don’t have the energy to address it directly.

7

Touch The Person Back

What This Looks Like: If, for example, someone leans over and touches Danger’s hair and comments on how soft it is, lean over and touch their hair and comment on the texture of it. This was my go-to when I was pregnant and people would put their hands on my belly without asking — I would simply touch their belly back.

Why It Works: This is a way of reflecting someone’s behavior back onto them so they know what you’re feeling. It can be a very clear way of demonstrating how uncomfortable and intrusive it feels when someone feels entitled to touch you without permission.

When To Use It: When you feel comfortable to do so, when you really want to make your point.

8

Create A Physical Barrier

What This Looks Like: Step between the person and your child.

Why It Works: You have cut off physical access to your child, which stops the behavior.

When To Use It: When you need to act quickly, when words aren’t working.

9

Make Cards To Hand Out

What This Looks Like: Print up cards that you carry around with you that say something to the effect of, “It is rude to touch people without asking, including children. We are trying to teach our child about consent and healthy boundaries, boundaries which you just violated by touching them. The next time you find yourself wanting to touch a child, or anyone, without their explicit permission, DON’T.” Hand it to the offender and walk away.

Why It Works: You very clearly spell out why their behavior isn’t OK, and hopefully stop them from doing it to someone else in the future.

When To Use It: When you’re too nervous to have a direct confrontation.

Your child has a right to decide who touches them and when, and as a parent, you get to help them learn to do that.

Images: travnikovstudio/Fotolia; Giphy (9)

Psychologists told why children bite and how to deal with it | e1.

ru

Experts agree that such behavior is unacceptable if the child is four years old or older. The reason for the conflict was that the son of one of them was bitten by the hand of another child. True, it was not possible to prove who exactly did this: there are no video cameras in the kindergarten, and the second mother denies everything. We decided to discuss with experts where aggression can come from in kindergarten children and why do toddlers between the ages of two and four bite? nine0003

The problem turned out to be really massive. Several readers of E1.RU wrote that they faced the fact that their child was bitten.

— Apparently, you haven't taken your children to the kindergarten for a long time, now there are a lot of sick children there, who fight and bite, — a woman from Yekaterinburg writes. - And parents do not want to do anything with their children, they snap at comments. We also wrote a collective [application] for the children of one mother at one time, but there was no point.

— My child started kindergarten at two years and two months. Oh, how many times he was bitten, and he [bite], writing was in the parent chat. But if you know at least a little bit about the psyche of a child, then because of their age they defend their boundaries so much, you need to teach them to behave differently on toys, - says an E1.RU reader. nine0003

Often the cause of bites is either too strict or too soft upbringing, says psychologist Natalya Bulatova

myself". It’s just that a child doesn’t know how to build personal boundaries in any other way, which means that he definitely needs to be taught this, says Natalya Bulatova, a psychologist-consultant at the State Budgetary Institution of Healthcare Center for Health Care Center Lado. nine0023

- This crisis period has no clear boundaries. It's just that for someone it comes about three years, for others - about four, - explains Natalya Bulatova. At this age, parents most often notice changes in the behavior and character of their children, usually negative. Children begin to argue, not to obey. The bottom line is that the child shows himself and his independence in this way.

There are other reasons: for example, a child can defend himself or try to attract attention, says Alexandra Sharapova, a child and family psychologist at the UMMC-Health clinic. But already, for example, at the age of four, such impulses should cause concern in parents. nine0023

- Many babies start biting at the age of one and a half, then it goes away, when children are faced with the reaction of their parents, they are told: “You can’t”. But some children continue to bite at two, three, and even four years, says Alexandra Sharapova. - Sometimes this happens when parents pay insufficient attention to education, do not take into account the needs of the child, do not monitor his health, and so on.

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- In addition, one of the main reasons for such behavior is protest. When a child disagrees with something, but still cannot say it, - continues Alexandra Sharapova. - And he can bite not only others, but also himself, toys, furniture. Often children bite in self-defense - the instinctive feeling that they should bite the offender.

Natalya Bulatova agrees with her. Often, children begin to behave this way when parents are too strict in raising a child and forbid him everything. Or vice versa - everything is allowed. nine0023

— For example, when a child is generally forbidden to say anything against it, he should only obey. That is, he can’t somehow say, show off, cry, quarrel, then he can start biting, ”continued the psychologist. - Or one day he felt that by harming a person in this way, he relieves his inner state.

Alexandra Sharapova often consults parents of biting babies. It is not worth swearing at such children, she is sure

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It happens that bites are a reaction to the aggression of another, including a reaction to physical violence. In no case should such children be shouted at, pushed back, spanked. Another reason: the inability of the child to express his desires, emotions. Often this problem is faced by children who do not speak well. They cannot tell a classmate: "Don't come near me", "Don't touch me or my toy".

“If a child bites, in no case should he be physically punished,” Alexandra Sharapova is convinced. - It is not uncommon for non-speaking children to bite when they are unable to express their feelings or needs and feel they have not been understood. At home, they bite their parents, angry that they are not understood. I often come across this, parents say: “The child wanted something, but I didn’t understand, he came up and bit me.” nine0003

Also, sometimes children just want attention. And if a child bites in the kindergarten, then, as a rule, he actually lacks attention from his mother.

- For example, if the teacher does not notice the child in the group, he is quiet - and suddenly he bit someone. And immediately everyone is looking at him, calling his name, - says family psychologist Alexandra Sharapova.

The last series of causes is related to the work of the nervous system, if there are any disorders or diseases. If the child is 2-3 years old, then you should contact a neurologist, if he is older, then a psychologist or psychiatrist. nine0023

“Increased arousal, tone, when a child has a strong internal tension, a developmental disorder — then he can also bite others, this is a physical discharge,” the psychologist adds.

The advice is very simple: act out a few different situations. For example, a car was not shared with a child. Tell him how he could behave: offer another toy in return or just cry. The main thing is to gradually move away from aggressive behavior. It is imperative to praise the child if he managed to restrain himself and act differently. nine0003

You need to play with children and talk a lot, every time you discuss any conflict. What could he do, how to behave differently?

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“First of all, we need to expand the repertoire, how else a child can define his emotion and how to respond to the situation,” psychologist Natalya Bulatova is sure.

In addition, everyone in the family should know and understand that biting is not allowed. That is, all relatives should have a single position (and not so that the grandmother feels sorry for the child, who was scolded because of the bites). Still, mom and dad for the baby should be an authority. nine0023

- Here is the first bell of such a problem when the parent is not an authority for the child. In the future, this can lead not only to the fact that children will do what they want, not to obey, they can be rude, show disrespect, but also to the fact that the child will have a number of emotional and communication disorders. It is important that children remain children in the family, and adults remain authoritative adults, emphasizes Alexandra Sharapova.

Child and family psychologist Alexandra Sharapova is sure that both educators and psychologists should work with such children. But it is better not to bring the child to a terrible office and not to scold in front of the whole group. nine0003

— Do our educators have the time and opportunity for this? That's a big question. As a rule, teachers do not have time to pay attention to a particular child,” the expert explained. - It’s good if the psychologist does not work one-on-one with the child, but fits into the group environment, plays with children, pronounces situations, notices incorrect communication and says, for example: “Look, you just bit a boy, you can’t bite. Let's take pity on him."

The ideal way to influence the behavior of a small aggressor is a game with elements of communicative tasks. You can do this using the example of cartoons: what should this or that hero do? What else could he do? Could he apologize? According to Alexandra Sharapova, one of the most important tasks of a kindergarten is to teach a child to communicate with peers and people around them. nine0023

If this happened once, do not rush to sound the alarm, because your child could also be the instigator of the fight.

— First of all, one should just feel sorry for the child. He is offended, he can be angry, and he wants his emotions to be accepted, ”psychologist Natalya Bulatova is sure. We must share his misfortune with him. It's not worth it to immediately run to punish the enemy. When the child's emotional intensity subsided, you can ask: “What happened? Why do you think he did this? Was it like this before?" Of course, if this is repeated, you can talk to the teacher. nine0003

It is useful to discuss any such conflicts with the child, invite him to think about what else he could do in this or that situation. Explain to your son or daughter that the abuser most likely did it because he was sad, unpleasant, and not because of personal hatred.

Meanwhile, in one of the schools in Yekaterinburg, a mother attacked someone else's child - all because the boy had a fight with her son. Her revenge did not end there: the woman broke into the apartments of her son's classmates and made a scandal in the director's office. And at school No. 52, a third-grader terrorizes the teacher and the whole class: he screams in class, swears and beats children. He even almost strangled one of his classmates. nine0023

Together with doctors, we tried to understand the causes of such behavior in children, one of them is attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

"If a girl beats a boy, he must endure." 6 myths about child aggression

A second grader comes home and says, "Mom, I got into a fight." Do kids fights make you stronger? Or only the ill-mannered fight? Together with psychologists, we dismantled the most popular myths about child aggression.

Does everyone fight or only the rude? nine0110

Psychologist Anna Kornienko:

Anna Kornienko

— To say that all children fight is like saying that all men cheat. Of course, this is far from reality. As a rule, behind such “arguments” is the unwillingness of parents to figure out what is behind this or that behavior of the child. Yes, there are, of course, periods of crisis, for example, the age of two or three years, when children are especially capricious. At the same time, someone aggressively insists on his own, someone cries a lot and often - it depends on the type of nervous system. nine0003

The other extreme is also false. Saying that only ill-mannered children fight, we fall into the illusion that a parent in 100% of cases can influence the behavior of his child. In fact, he can influence something, he can’t influence something, but he can influence something in the future, not this minute. When a child fights or shows aggression, it is very unpleasant, I want to pretend that “I have nothing to do with it” and all children are like that. Or vice versa, start doing something urgently in order to quickly correct the child so that he stops. Alas, it doesn't work that way. nine0003

An impulsive child can learn from his mother how to deal with his aggression and become very calm. He will have these impulses inside, they will not go anywhere, but he will gradually learn to express them calmly. Of course, this will only happen if mom acknowledges the problem and doesn't see fighting as normal.

You can try to understand why a child fights at home in a playful way - to observe, play, talk. "Let the bear beat the bunny." How will the child react to this, how to explain? Is the mouse angry? Or is the bear just hungry? At two or three years old, the child can already quite consciously say that the bear is angry because he is hungry. nine0003

What words to teach a child

When parents justify aggression with the argument “should he be able to stand up for himself”, I always ask: why with hands, and not with words? Why fight and not talk? In the kindergarten, I taught my child to say: “Go away, don’t come near me, don’t touch me,” that is, to push away with words. If this did not help, then shout “save, help” and call the teacher for help. If the teacher does not want or cannot solve the problem, then mom and dad intervene in the process - they can contact the director of the institution or transfer the child to another kindergarten, school - where adults can protect him, and not force him to defend himself with his fists on their own. nine0003

I would like to emphasize that there are people in the world who love power and control, and there are those who appreciate mutual help and understanding.

So, the ability to attack everyone around is by no means about mutual assistance. A child with such beliefs is unlikely to grow up as a leader.

A leader is someone who understands others well, who can inspire and lead them. It has nothing to do with being able to fight. I say this for those parents who flaunt and even rejoice that their child is “so cool” and keeps the entire kindergarten group at bay. nine0003

What if he grows up to be a squishy guy?

Many parents mistakenly believe that if a child fights and offends everyone, then he will grow up as a leader, and if he is quiet and modest, sensitive, often cries, then he will become a squishy child. Of course it isn't. Firstly, there is no relationship and no one will tell you exactly how your child will grow up in the end.

Secondly, being sensitive is not so bad - maybe he will become a doctor, teacher, veterinarian? Parents should learn to notice, accept and appreciate the individual characteristics of each child. In our country, since Soviet times, there has been such a strategy of behavior: if you don’t want it, we will force it. It seems to me that modern humanism says something else: why is it bad to be the way you are? Here is a child sitting assembling Lego, whether he will be an IT specialist or a cool engineer - what's the problem? nine0003

Besides, learning to fight is not the same as becoming brave. To say "save-help" or "don't touch me" also takes courage. When the parents themselves say: “You couldn’t stand up for yourself,” they undermine the child’s confidence with this. How can he become confident if he is told that he is a weakling?

Instead, it is better to say: “Now it didn’t work out - then it will work out. ” Show the child reality. I constantly hear the recommendation to praise more often, but if the parents themselves do not believe in these praises, then they will not work. It’s better to talk about reality: “Yes, five boys climbed on you today, you were confused, and they beat you. Difficult situation. You dealt with her like this - ran away, for example. Let's go to the section, they will teach you self-defense techniques, let's talk with dad and the teacher, let's help you make new friends. And so on. nine0003

If a girl beats, should she be patient?

If we want to cultivate a man's respect for a woman, this does not mean that a man cannot be told: "Don't do that." If we move from fights to the level of words and conversations, then it doesn’t matter at all whether the boy is in front of us or the girl.

The algorithm of actions is always the same: say “stop!”, move away from the aggressor, tell the teacher or teacher, tell mom and dad at home.

If the aggressive behavior doesn't stop, adults should look into it. For example, parents can talk to a teacher or principal of a school or kindergarten. nine0003

Children's fights are not the norm

Family and child psychologist Olesya Garanina:

Olesya Garanina

— Fights in kindergarten are more understandable to us than, say, fights at work among adults. If my second grader comes and says, “Mom, I got into a fight,” that’s one thing. And if my husband comes home from work and says the same thing, that's another story.

Therefore, on the one hand, fights at an early age are more understandable and familiar to us, but, on the other hand, this does not mean that such behavior is normal and there is no need to react to it in any way. After all, we expect that when children grow up, they will stop fighting and learn to resolve conflicts with words. But how will they learn if we don't give them that experience? nine0003

There can be several things behind the phrase “just think, everyone is fighting”. For example, the parent himself is aggressive, he fought at school and generally believes that the whole world lives like this. Such people understand only the language of power.

And it happens that parents simply do not have the resources to resolve this issue.

It is easier to think that everyone is fighting and that this is normal than to go to psychologists and raise your child. I repeat: children do fight, but this does not mean that we should legalize it and do nothing about it. So the first thing I recommend is to simply admit that there is a problem. And then go to a neurologist or psychologist and figure out why the child behaves this way. nine0003

How to develop a strong character?

Nobody is born with a strong character. By strong character, I mean the ability to withstand conflict, aggression and rejection from the outside world. When we are born, we are not ready for the fact that someone will reject us, offend us, not love us.

And then a child comes to a kindergarten, where there are other children who behave differently from their parents - they can take away a toy and hit it. When a child is offended, he goes to mom and dad. If they say: "Of course, you feel bad, we understand you, let's take pity on you," then it becomes easier for him. If the parent replies: “Well, think about it, he pushed you, you also shove him,” then the child turns out to be helpless before this aggression. nine0003

Probably some parents have an idea of ​​what their child should be like. They are worried that a fight will happen and the child will not be able to stand up for himself. It turns out that the child must learn to fight in order to calm the anxieties of the parents. Then the question is not about children, but about parents.

Another common misconception is that fighting builds character. A question for the mothers of such children: is it really that if your husband fights with you from time to time, will this strengthen your fortitude? nine0003

And if you give it to sports?

Of course, sport is useful, but there are also a few nuances here. What sport is the child interested in? Which one and for what purpose will you choose in the end?

Using my son as an example, I will tell you how they were looking for sports for him. We immediately realized that karate, where you looked to the side and the coach gave you a slap on the back of the head, is not suitable for us.

The most severe discipline is not for us, we are not imbued with all this competitive spirit. Can I say that this is bad and now my son will not have an iron character? Of course not! nine0003

On the other hand, we found hand-to-hand combat, where everything is in play form, there are no competitions, children learn self-defense techniques. My son loves it and it works for him.

Another question is what message parents send their child to sports. If “you are a nonentity, go into sports and you will become a man”, then even playing chess with such an attitude is unpleasant. Or “son, judo helps us solve some problem, so we will go there. ” It's a completely different wording. Again, sport does not remove responsibilities from parents and does not impose them on the coach. nine0003

How to stand up for a child

After you have supported, you can go further - teach him to notice that there are people in this world who will always behave aggressively, this cannot be changed. You also need to individually look for something that will help the child - someone should be given to sports, someone should be brought to a psychologist, someone will just need the support of their parents.

Parents should demonstrate a position on which the child can lean. It sounds like this: “Yes, someone offended you. Yes, it's embarrassing for you and for all of us. We are ready to pity you, to intercede for you. We don't think this is normal. But this happens in the world. We will intercede for as long as necessary, but at the same time we understand that our possibilities are not unlimited.” nine0003

What does not limit mean? Here comes my child to school.

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