There is no communication in my marriage

How a Lack of Communication in Marriage Can Affect Relationships

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A lack of communication in marriage is a fast track to divorce. A marriage consists of two people who come from different backgrounds and have different methods of communication, wants, and needs. So it’s understandable how these varying factors can make it difficult for couples to talk. Your relationship needs strong emotional and physical bonds to succeed.

Your work, home, and sex life will all suffer when you do not share your thoughts and feelings with your partner. This makes it all the more important to learn to communicate with your spouse, even when the subject matter is awkward or uncomfortable.

When one partner freezes the other one out there will be trouble to follow. Here are 8 reasons why a lack of communication in marriage is not healthy.

1. Leads to money problems

Money can be a touchy subject for most people. This topic may feel a little awkward to broach, especially if you are in the process of merging your finances or haven’t told your partner about any debts you owe.

Whether you’re sharing a bank account or keeping your finances separate, it is still important to talk about your monthly expenses. Couples who do not talk about money matters may overspend, feel held back by not being the breadwinner, and end up in deeper debts than when they were single.

It is important for couples to discuss budgeting and to be open about their debts and expenses.

2. You become emotionally distant

The less you communicate with your spouse, the more emotionally distant you will become. Talking is how you connect. When there is a lack of communication in marriage, love also starts to fade.

One study on the behavior of couples, conducted over 40 years, found that the most common communication problems revolve around partner’s refusing to communicate (silent treatment), partner criticism, defensive communication, and overall contempt when trying to talk to one another.

Emotional distance is a large factor in divorce. When couples grow distant, they are less inclined to have sex, have a date night, or fix what is going wrong in the marriage.

3. Results in wrong assumptions

When couples are not open with one another it can be easy for them to start making assumptions. If you aren’t letting your spouse know you’ll be late at the office or are heading out with your friends after work instead of coming home they may assume you are doing something you shouldn’t be.

If you are not communicating with your spouse, all sorts of assumptions can be made in the relationship. If you’re too tired and turn down sex one evening, your partner may assume you are bored with them and feel neglected. If you are bottling up personal problems, your spouse may think they are the source of your anxiety.

4. Your sex life suffers

There are many sexual problems that arise when there is a lack of communication in marriage. For example, a lack of orgasm may result in frustration between married partners and can cause hostility and disappointment.

Likewise, one person may desire sex but feels incapable of making the first move. This can be frustrating for both spouses.

Couples need to have open and honest conversations about their intimate life and preferences. Sexual frequency, fantasies, needs, and turn-ons are all important conversations couples need to have in order to create an equally satisfying sexual relationship.

5. No communication means no compromise

You can’t be right all the time, as much as you might wish otherwise. Relationships require balance. A great relationship is built on trust, respect, and compromise. When there is no communication in relationships, couples have no room to compromise.

If you can’t meet in the middle over certain issues in your marriage, you are essentially invalidating your partner’s wants, needs, and feelings. This can be very dangerous to the success of a relationship. Your spouse needs you to recognize their emotions and support them. Such behavior will promote love and trust.

6. You seek others to fill the void

It is no surprise that a lack of communication in marriage is one of the leading causes of divorce. Couples who don’t talk to one another are nothing more than roommates. Drawing away from your spouse in thought or action can be extremely damaging to the relationship

Feeling a lack of validation or that your partner does not hear you or care for your needs can be discouraging. This lack of respect and love can create insecurities, which might cause one spouse to seek someone outside of the marriage to fill what they feel their marriage is lacking.

7. It shows neglect

One sign that you are neglecting your relationship is if you and your spouse have stopped communicating. Whether the topic is big or small, your relationship can only suffer when you and your partner refuse to talk.

Happy, healthy relationships focus on sharing thoughts, feelings, and time with one another. Communicating is what keeps you interested in one another, it’s how your partner learns to read you, how you connect, and how you resolve the conflict.

8. The marriage becomes stagnant

People are always changing and growing. This fact makes it very important for couples to learn to embrace change and to grow together. When there is a lack of communication in marriage it can cause the relationship to become stagnant.

You should never stop learning about your partner. You need to learn to evolve together in order to develop a trusting, mature relationship where you both clearly understand the other’s wants and needs.

A lack of communication in marriage can spell disaster for the relationship. Talking with your spouse is how you express your joy, sorrow, wants, needs, and how you resolve a conflict.

This information is integral to a healthy marriage. Work hard to be open with your spouse. Doing so will raise your relationship satisfaction and bring you closer together.


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3 Detrimental Effects of Lack of Communication in Marriage

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Is lack of communication in marriage debilitating your marital happiness?

When you’ve been married for a long time, you might think that a lack of communication in marriage is common.

You get into a rut or a routine and you go into action mode to get everything done.

Though you’re married to one another, it’s easy to take it all for granted and therefore over time communication seems to go away. What were once enjoyable conversations with one another turn into functional chats in the hallway. 

You may go an entire day without even talking to one another, and you probably think that this is normal.

Though the conversations definitely shift over time, the reality is that when you’re not really talking to one another it can cause bigger problems in your marriage. Marriage without communication, without exchange of thoughts, feelings and emotions is unsustainable.

You might find that you’re not really mindful of making each other a priority, and so when the communication starts to slip the marriage can head into a danger zone. 

It doesn’t mean that you can’t fix it, but you want to be sure that you never take good communication for granted.

There are some serious problems that can come about when the communication begins to suffer, and if you are aware of these and ensure that you keep things heading in the right direction then love will conquer all. 

Studies show that “more satisfied spouses showed more positive, less negative, and more effective communication.”

Here are the reasons that a lack of communication in marriage can really be problematic.

1. You don’t look to each other for support

This might not sound like a big problem, but it really is. When you’re married you should be the first person that each of you turns to for support, help, and respect. 

When that is lacking then you may turn to somebody else out of necessity, and this doesn’t often end well. When you’re not really talking or when you feel that you can’t talk to each other, then the support goes away and you become more like roommates.

How do you know if you’re not being supportive of your partner?

  • You dismiss their concerns
  • You don’t offer help when they are making decisions
  • You criticize them too much too often, unnecessarily
  • You don’t motivate them to achieve their dreams and aspirations

Take Quiz: Are You Spouses Or Just Roommates?

When there is no communication in a marriage between partners, except for things pertaining to your routines, understand there is inadequate support in your relationship.

Remember that you should always lift each other up and talk to each other, and so the two are very closely linked. When you focus on good communication then the support for each other comes much more naturally.

So when you make these both a priority you end up with a much happier marriage now and in the long term as well.

2. You may feel like you’re living with a stranger

If you’ve had a couple of days or weeks where you’re not really talking, it can feel like you’re living with a stranger. Though you may not mean for it to happen, lack of communication in a marriage can make you feel like you have lost each other. 

If you don’t keep the communication going then you feel like you lose each other.

If this continues over time then the intimacy eventually suffers, the connection is weakened, and you find it hard to find common ground. Lack of communication in marriage leads to divorce sometimes when there is nothing left to share or to talk about between two partners.

Lack of marriage communication leads to divorce, beware of these signs that indicate that you and your partner have become strangers.

  • Your partner is not able to read between the lines, they are unable to  decipher your emotions
  • Your sex life dwindles. On top of that other forms of physical connection like hugging, kissing become scarce.
  • You have not dressed up and gone for dates for a long time
  • Your communication is limited to discussing chores and finances.

You may find that you argue more and spend less and less time with one another. Though lack of communication or no communication on some days may not be a problem, if this continues over time then you will have an undesirable situation and really crave that connection. 

Be aware of this and don’t let conversations be on hold for too long if you want to stay connected and in love.


This can rob you of your connection over time

When no communication in marriage raises its ugly head between a couple, individuals in a relationship may wonder if it’s normal or if a lack of communication in marriage is a problem.

Think of this scenario playing out day after day for an extended period of time. When you’re not talking you may very well be turning to somebody else.

Due to lack of communication in relationships, you may lose the connection, the love, the passion, or the spark that you once shared.

Poor communication in marriage can make you tempted to cheat. It can make you feel like being married isn’t quite what it used to be anymore. 

Everyone goes through rough times, but if you are aware of this and you make good communication a priority in your marriage then you will stay connected and ensure that you don’t head down the wrong path by losing each other.

Effects of lack of communication in marriage can be devastating to your relationship. It is important to identify and rectify all your communication problems in marriage before things fall apart between you and your partner.

How to fix communication in a relationship

No communication in a relationship can spell a death knell for satisfaction and happiness in a marriage.

Looking for definitive answers to the questions, “how to fix lack of communication in a relationship”, or “how to improve communication with spouse”?

Read on these handy tips to counter lack of communication and fix all the communication issues in marriage.

  • Take out 15 mins every day to talk about your day with your partner. Marriage and communication are intertwined for relationship satisfaction.
  • Communication between couples fosters the love bond, while poor communication in marriage festers resentment and distance between spouses.
  • One of the best communication tips for couples is to pay close attention to your partner’s body language. It will help you understand your partner’s mood and enhance marital communication. 
  • Marriage without communication is rendered fragile and vulnerable to a host of other relationship problems. Listen to your partner attentively when they speak
  • This will encourage them to have more such conversations with you and prevent complete communication breakdown in marriage.
  • Reach out to a certified expert, who can help you understand what causes lack of communication in marriage. 

If communication issues in marriage run deep, an unbiased and objective intervention from a marriage counselor, alongside the right tools in place on how to communicate in a marriage, can save your marriage.

Following these tips should help you overcome the communication problems in a marriage.

Lack of communication in a relationship is just one of the problems that couples encounter. Abiding by these tips will also help you let go of all forms of bad communication in marriage and embrace healthy communication, followed by meaningful conversations and deeper connection between you and your partner.


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I am married but single. What to do?

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Letter to the editor:

My question is about spiritual loneliness. We've been together for 10 years. It's hard for me to live without emotional contact. It is not in our marriage. Both of us are responsible, we try to do everything. But I can no longer stand on one responsibility, I also need a warm relationship, it offends me terribly when they don’t talk to me for weeks, when they don’t ask how I’m doing, how my mood is, what worries me. I try to do all this, but it's only one-sided.

It seems to the husband that it is enough that he tries to help in everything, he gets tired both at work and helping with household chores. I understand this, logically yes, I agree, but marriage without a spiritual relationship is very hard for me to endure, emotional loneliness is very pressing.

I have spoken about this more than once, but my husband does not hear me, for him everything is in order.

I see our relationship as a relationship of good work colleagues, we fulfill our duties and occasionally exchange phrases about family life.
It sounds strange, but sometimes we don't talk for months about anything, except for short messages regarding family matters. It offends me.

The only way out that I see so far is to give up hopes for spiritual closeness and live your own life, seek emotional closeness from friends and relatives, in fact, this is what I have been trying to do in the last few years. My husband, in my opinion, is generally completely satisfied. And okay, if I were alone, but it seems like a family here, and therefore I constantly feel dissonance.

He is satisfied simply with the presence of me and two children in his picture of the world, the fact that we are listed and present there. It is very difficult for me without conversations and emotional intimacy.

I am already silent about the fact that the two of us have not gone anywhere since the birth of our first child. Keeps close only a sense of duty. What is this, a variant of the norm? What to do?


Alexander Tkachenko answers:

Emotional coldness of a spouse is not a sentence for your love

Dear Maria, when I start talking about the problem of emotional loneliness in a magazine that is read by thousands of people, I must immediately make an important disclaimer.

Two people can help you in this situation. The first (and this I tell you as a believer to a believer) is a priest. The second one (and I'm already saying this as a graduate of the Faculty of Psychology) is a psychologist. Only after face-to-face communication not only with you, but also with your spouse, they will help to understand in detail all the circumstances of the current situation. And of course, one should always remember that turning to other people for help is not an alternative to God's help, which we all constantly ask the Lord in all our troubles and problems.

I deeply understand your feelings, but still I ask you not to consider this article as some kind of direct answer or recommendation.

Your story is private, and it needs to be dealt with, as I said, separately and not "in public". But the manifestation of the emotional coldness you mentioned in one form or another is indeed faced by many and many married couples at different stages of their life together. The reasons for this can be very different. We will consider some of the most common of them here and try to find out what should be done in such cases by spouses who want to save their marriage.

Thesis one:

The reason for the coldness of a loved one may not be the lack of feelings, but his own mental trauma

The most terrible thing when faced with the emotional coldness of a spouse is the thought that they no longer love you, that you are not needed, you will be rejected .

This thought is so heavy that it is not even fully realized. Only the feeling of being abandoned cuts your heart with cold lightning, constantly tearing you between fear and timid hope: what if this is still a mistake? What if love still lives behind the cold mask of alienation, and you just need to find a way to get through to it, to let it bloom again?

Photo by Vladimir Eshtokin

Such fears and hopes are based on the conviction that a person is completely free in his own choice - to love or not love, accept or reject, express his feelings or hide them. However, practice shows that this is not always the case. Many people in the sphere of their emotional experiences and manifestations are very limited.

Simply put, people are often unable to openly express their feelings. What is there - expression! Even to experience feelings, many of us can not afford, oddly enough.

And it is much easier for a believer to understand and accept this sad fact than for people who have not yet learned that . .. the world lies in evil, and that ... due to the multiplication of lawlessness, love will grow cold in many.

The fact is that evil in Christianity has a very specific definition - sin. Sin is everything that does not allow love to act, extinguishes it in the human heart, makes even close people enemies or simply strangers to each other. Envy, deception, anger, resentment, the desire to rule over one's neighbor - all these and many other manifestations of sin entered human nature immediately after the fall of the first people in paradise. But this was only the beginning of the disasters of mankind. The calamity itself was that sin turned out to be a disease that is inherited.

The very first attempt at childbearing among people afflicted with sin and having forgotten how to love God and each other gave a terrible result: the firstborn of Adam and Eve became a murderer, their second son became a victim of this murder. It is clear that the parents least of all would have wanted Cain and Abel to have such a fate, but sin turned out to be stronger than their desire.

Such involuntary transmission of lack of love from generation to generation continues in the human race to this day. Although, of course, sin is a mystical concept, which means that it is impossible in principle to describe the mechanism of its transmission in rational categories. And yet, some of the ways in which this dislike can pass from parents to children, psychologists have learned to trace. The consequences of such a transition can be expressed precisely in the inability to make emotional contact.

Therefore, when faced with the coldness of a loved one, one should not rush to desperate conclusions on the topic of “falling out of love”. It may very well be that such behavior hides a child's psychological trauma that prevents him from experiencing normally and expressing his feelings so far.

Some of these injuries we will now consider in more detail.

Thesis two:

One should not make hasty conclusions about people who do not show vivid emotions.

Their need for love can be very high

The most famous tale of emotional coldness is perhaps The Snow Queen. Its plot does not make sense to retell here in full. Everyone remembers from childhood that Kai's heart turned to ice after a piece of a distorted mirror made by an evil troll hit him, and only Gerda's selfless love managed to save him. If we consider this story as a metaphor, then it expresses a very definite psychological reality - a decrease in the ability to emotionally respond in a child who has experienced psychological trauma. But what kind of trauma are we talking about here? There is an indirect indication of this in the fairy tale as well. Didn't it seem strange to you that it was not the alarmed parents who went looking for the missing boy, but the neighbor girl? Moreover, the parents never appear in the text of the tale at all. Who they are, what their character is, what they do - Andersen does not tell us any of this. We only know that Kai has them. And we also know that, by the will of the author, neither the loss of his son, nor his safe return made them at least somehow show themselves in this story. It seems that this is not an accidental oversight of the great storyteller.

Photo by Maria Shcherbakova

The fact is that very often a person receives psychological trauma from childhood precisely in the family, from the closest relatives. Moreover, we are not necessarily talking about some blatantly terrible events. The child just didn't get enough love.

Instead of lullabies, he heard the screams and scolding of quarreling parents, instead of caresses and kisses he received slaps and rude shouts, instead of playing together with his mother - oppressive loneliness ...

Alas, such things hurt a child's heart no less than fragments of a fairy-tale mirror. In fact, such a child experiences rejection and abandonment by the closest people. In order to survive in this abnormal situation, he gets used to the lack of emotional contact, learns to live without demanding love from others and without offering them his love. And then years pass, this little wounded Kai grows up and becomes a grown man. It is not difficult to imagine how he will build his relationships with others. Having experienced the trauma of rejection, such people “choose” for themselves the option that seems to them the safest. They withhold emotional intimacy for fear of experiencing the pain of loss again.

In order not to be rejected again, they do not allow their heart to be attached to anyone, being content with only superficial communication.

The internal logic of this position can be called forced emotional begging: by not opening up to the other, avoiding closeness with him, a person protects himself from the possibility of a new loss and the pain associated with it. After all, having nothing, you can't lose anything.

From the side (and especially in marriage) such behavior may look like a manifestation of selfishness, insensitivity, a desire for loneliness. In fact, in people with rejection trauma, the need for another person, for his love and acceptance is extremely high. But, having built up a shell on his soul from early childhood that protects him from the pain of possible new losses, he is simply not able to break through it towards people who love him.

Thesis three:

The cause of isolation can be not only the fear of pain, but also a special kind of narcissism

Another version of emotional insensitivity is described in the ancient myth of Narcissus. This hero once saw his reflection in the water and fell in love with him so much that he could not take his eyes off his own beauty. As a result, he died of starvation, and a flower grew on the site of his inglorious death, which was later named after him.

In everyday life, the image of a “narcissist” is often understood as a well-groomed handsome man who loves to spin in front of a mirror, demonstrate his outstanding qualities to others and is quite pleased with himself. At the same time, for some reason, the fact is ignored that Narcissus from the myth did not bring any joy to his obsession with himself. On the contrary, it cut him off forever, first from the outside world, and later from life itself.

In psychology, a narcissistic personality type is a person's constant internal bifurcation between opposite poles - a sense of one's own grandiosity and a feeling of one's own insignificance.

Photo by Ivan Kashirin

The narcissist imagines himself great because of the fear of the thought of his own ordinaryness and shame for the lack of greatness. The reason for this sense of self is also a childhood trauma, when emotionally cold parents ignored their child's successes and achievements, did not rejoice at his small victories, but on occasion used his abilities to improve their own status. For example, they put them on a chair in front of the guests and forced them to read poetry, sing or play the violin.

As a result, such a child has formed the conviction that one can love him only for outstanding achievements. And he created in the depths of his soul the image of a kind of "double" - grandiose, brilliant and superior in every respect to the ordinary people around him. And often this image can be based on his very real talents and virtues, but in isolation from the rest of his personality, which he himself considers weak and insignificant.

The tragedy of the narcissist's life lies in the substitution of his own integrity by this artificial "double", expressing only his strongest part. The narcissist also wants to be loved. But he believes that being like everyone else is shameful and unworthy of love. Therefore, he is very afraid to enter into close and trusting relationships. After all, one who comes too close to him can see his ordinariness. And this is the worst thing that can happen to a narcissist.

Such people are very different in their behavior. Along with enchanting and bright egocentrics who love to be in the focus of everyone's attention, narcissists are also closed, experiencing their "grandness" exclusively in the depths of their own souls. And the closer the other person comes to terms with him, the greater the danger of "exposure" appears to the narcissist.

Then, in order not to feel pain from shame for his own ordinaryness, he shows anticipatory rejection - he rejects others first, without waiting for such a terrifying denouement. The narcissist may claim that he does not need anyone, devalue relationships, hide from loved ones behind a mask of cynicism or misunderstanding. But in fact, behind this external self-sufficiency lies a huge loneliness and desire for love.

Fourth thesis:

Outwardly indifferent adults can grow out of babies who were once very frightened

Not far from the Museum of Cosmonautics in Moscow there is a monument to Tsiolkovsky, who, as you know, became the founder of this very cosmonautics. Here Konstantin Eduardovich looks like a funny eccentric who sits on the grass and looks dreamily into the sky. Such a monument most accurately conveys the essence of this amazing person. Tsiolkovsky was a scientist who looked at the world through the eyes of a poet and an artist. Yes, and a person of a different warehouse could not discern future starships in hissing crackers for fireworks. At that time, cars were just learning to drive, steamboats were learning to swim, and airplanes were learning to fly. However, Tsiolkovsky believed that someday people would create a completely different technique - rockets, with the help of which they would be able to break out of the Earth. As we now see, he was right.

But every medal has a downside. In his autobiography, Tsiolkovsky writes about his wife: “... It was time to get married, and I married her without love, hoping that such a wife would not turn me around, would work and would not prevent me from doing the same. That hope was fully justified. Such a friend could not exhaust my strength either: firstly, she did not attract me, and secondly, she herself was indifferent and impassive. ...Was it good: marriage life without love? Is respect enough in a marriage? For those who have given themselves to higher goals, this is good. But he sacrifices his own happiness and even the happiness of his family.”

This confession very convincingly demonstrates the emotional coldness of people with a schizoid personality type. It must be immediately clarified that this is not a psychiatric diagnosis, but simply some feature that in itself does not characterize a person’s mental health in any way. People of this type often become scientists, artists, writers. It is among them that geniuses like Tsiolkovsky are found, through whose efforts culture develops and civilization steps forward. However, the price for the richness of the inner world for schizoids is emotional restraint, the inability to clearly express their feelings.

The reason for this skew in development is again a childhood trauma of a threat to life or loss of a sense of security. For Tsiolkovsky, such an injury was the most severe scarlet fever, from which he almost died at the age of ten. The deafness that developed as a result of complications cut the boy off forever from the world of sounds, and at the same time from studying at school, full communication, games with peers. From now on, all the forces of his soul were concentrated on the inner world of his own ideas, fantasies, reflections. Communication and expressing one's feelings faded into the background.

However, a traumatic situation can occur even before the birth of a child, during the intrauterine period. For example, if the pregnancy was unwanted and the mother was considering whether to have an abortion, or the father demanded to get rid of the child, or there were simply loud quarrels with scandals in the family.

Naturally, a baby in the womb is not capable of understanding the meaning of what is happening, and there is still nothing for him to understand during this period. But he is a living being, most closely connected with his mother by a common metabolism. Accordingly, all the stress hormones experienced by the mother are transmitted to the baby. He still does not understand that they can kill him, but he already quite realistically feels the threat to his life.

What does a living being do when he feels a danger from which he is unable to defend himself or run away? In such a situation, all living things usually freeze, trying to draw attention to themselves as little as possible. The body itself suddenly becomes your enemy, you want it to take up as little space as possible or disappear altogether. This is well known to people who have been under fire at least once during the hostilities. And if such a traumatic experience was received by an infant even before birth, it can be assumed with a high degree of probability that its further development will occur according to the schizoid type. Today, science does not give an exact explanation for such a dependence, it is only a theoretical model. But among practicing psychologists, it does not raise objections: each of them had many clients of the schizoid type, who, as it turned out later, were unwanted children in their family.

For such people, the content of their inner world is much more important than the events taking place in the world around them. Their own body is perceived by them not as a part of their personality, but as an annoying burden that prevents a pure mind from knowing the secrets of being, thinking, creating. That fear of death, which once made them shrink and pretend to be dead, continues to operate in them at an unconscious level.

Contact with their body in such people is usually broken, they do not like it and care little about it. And since emotions operate in and through the body, schizoid people also have big problems in this area. Schizoids are poor comforters and insensitive listeners. It is difficult for them to sympathize with others or be happy for someone, but not at all because they are heartless egoists. It's just that their body is not accustomed to respond to feelings. Such people often do not know how to cry and be touched, they are not able to easily start and maintain a friendly conversation, joyful laughter is almost unknown to them, and even an ordinary smile requires conscious effort. Therefore, it is not surprising that communication with them can hurt loved ones. Especially if these relatives themselves do not belong to the schizoid type and cannot understand what is the reason for the apparent coldness of these talented grown-up children, who once froze in fear for their lives and were never able to get out of an emotional stupor.

Thesis five:

The fact that a person is unable to express his feelings does not always mean that he does not experience them

There is an old joke about a couple in love. The girl asks her boyfriend:

- Tell me some kind word.

- Sweatshirt.

— Well, how are you… And is it even warmer?

He, after thinking, gives out:

- Two jerseys.

In this parable, a symptom of another emotional disorder, alexitis mia, is very accurately conveyed. Literally, the term means "there are no words for feelings." We can say that alexithymia is emotional muteness, in which a person is not able to verbally express the feelings that he is experiencing. For him, there is no connection between certain emotional states (which he, of course, experiences) and such words as "grief", "joy", "anger", "longing", "delight", "pity", and also all other verbal descriptions of a huge palette of human feelings.

Not knowing how to describe his experiences in words, such a person is very bad at identifying other people's emotions, because where there are no words, dialogue is impossible.

As a result, he either has to do without expressing feelings at all, or he invents his own language for them, which usually comes down to describing bodily sensations like "pressing", "burning", "warmth", "cold" or the already mentioned "sweatshirt" from a joke.

The imagination of alexithymics is very poor, and, unlike talented schizoids, they are almost incapable of artistic creativity. However, at the level of communication with close people, these two very different types of personality show a surprising similarity, although for different reasons.

People with alexithymia are practically unable to experience empathy: it is very difficult for them to empathize with others, to be sympathetic and sympathetic interlocutors. But they are not soulless egoists or insensitive blockheads either. It’s just that people with such a disorder sincerely do not understand how all this can happen, what kind of “muscle” they need to tighten in order to become “correct”. Therefore, it is easier for them to avoid communication or get off with stereotyped phrases. At the same time, the intelligence of such a person can be very high.

I must say that this is not some rare exotic. Studies have shown that approximately 20% of our contemporaries have manifestations of alexithymia to a greater or lesser extent.

Moreover, due to traditional restrictions on emotional reactions in men — “boys don’t cry” — their level of alexithymia is higher than that of women.

Sixth thesis:

The position “my husband must supply me with emotions” is untenable from either a psychological or a Christian point of view

Everything happens in life. The situation when a person who avoids communication in the family really fell out of love with his soul mate and is burdened by marriage, alas, is also possible. But we will not consider this option here, since the Foma magazine has already devoted a number of publications to it. Let me just say that even in this case, the problem is not fatal for those who want to save their marriage.

And this article was about situations when love lives in a person's heart, but for various reasons he fails to make it visible.

Photo by viveee

It is clear that in each specific case, only a specialist should determine the causes of a person's emotional coldness, and it is also up to specialists to treat the consequences of childhood traumas. What remains of relatives and friends who suffer from such behavior of a loved one? I think that at least three practical conclusions are possible here:

  1. The emotional coldness of a spouse is not a sentence of love in marriage. Perhaps these are the consequences of childhood traumas that need therapy.
  2. You should not immediately take responsibility for the emotional cooling of your spouse according to the principle: "I did everything wrong, it's my fault, I deserved it all." Much more often, this is the result of mistakes made by completely different people many years or even decades ago.
  3. Emotional trauma is just as real as physical trauma. A person who suffered from it in childhood needs the same empathy and participation as someone who, for example, lost his sight in childhood. Resentment at his features that cause discomfort, in this case, is the way to nowhere.

Well, then - to the specialists. To an experienced confessor who can understand your situation, strengthen your spirit in the struggle for your love, explain how Gerda should live in order to help her wounded Kai. And to an experienced psychotherapist who knows how to treat the consequences of such chronic wounds.

The main thing is to remember that the position “I need emotional participation here, how can I get it?” untenable both from a psychological point of view and from a Christian point of view.

It is impossible to change an adult, it is an axiom. But you can change yourself - your attitude to a person, your knowledge, behavior, outlook on the problem.

And then these changes will miraculously help the emotionally cold spouse to change as well. After all, the family is a system. And changes in one of its parts lead to a change in the entire system as a whole.

Rev. Seraphim of Sarov said: acquire a spirit of peace, and thousands around you will be saved. In the case of a spouse, the task is much more modest - to help just one person. The one you yourself once chose from thousands of others, whom you love and want to see healthy and happy next to you. This is a very worthy goal. And the Lord will surely help those who embark on the path to achieving it.

This text was included in Alexander Tkachenko's book "Snow Feelings" .

How to deal with resentment and stop trying to change another? How is the struggle with sin different from the constant dissatisfaction with oneself? And how do you draw the line between compassion and being manipulated?

9 facts about the connection between finance and love

Natalya Kulyashova

plunged into research

Author profile

It is believed that money is earthly, and feelings are something sublime. But research shows that they are strongly interconnected.

We studied them for this article and compiled a list of scientific facts about how money affects love, marriage and relationships.

Married men earn more than single men

Over the past forty years, scientists have found a lot of evidence that marriage for a man is a financially profitable enterprise. On average, married men earn 10-20% more than single men.

Why do married men earn more than single men? — Science Direct

Apparently, this is due to several reasons at once. First, the family stimulates to earn more. Second, men with higher salaries are more likely to marry. And, of course, the help of the wife in everyday life plays an important role, which allows you to devote more time to work.

Regarding the impact of marriage on women's income, the data vary. An American study based on data from 12,000 people showed that marriage increases the income level of women too, but there are many studies that have shown the exact opposite result.

Marriage and women's wages: do married women pay a fine or get a bonus? — European Population Conference 2014PDF, 504 KB

Among the latter there are those held in Russia. Statistics collected from 2000 to 2009year, confirmed the global trend: married men in Russia earn more than single men. But for women, everything is exactly the opposite: unmarried people get more.

An econometric analysis of the impact of a change in marital status on wages in Russia — a study by Lilia Rodionova on the Cyberleninka portal

The author of the study, Lilia Rodionova, explains this by the fact that the life and upbringing of children still fall on the shoulders of women. Because of this, they are forced to choose jobs with shorter hours and more flexible conditions, which almost always result in lower wages.

At the same time, according to statistics, divorce increases the income of Russian women. According to Rodionova, children, as a rule, stay with their mother, and this forces them to change the criteria when looking for a job. For men, income usually falls after the dissolution of a marriage.

Source: research by Lilia Rodionova

Your partner's financial behavior affects your happiness

University of Arizona researcher Melissa Curran interviewed more than 500 young people in romantic relationships.

Financial socialization of young people by parents and romantic partners - Springer Link

She found that life satisfaction depends on how wisely a romantic partner handles money. If a person believes that the financial behavior of his couple is rational, then this increases the level of happiness. And vice versa.

Curran believes that the unwise spending of partners does not in itself affect the feeling of satisfaction with life. Everything is more difficult. Most likely, they are reflected in the person's own behavior: for example, they lead to expenses that could have been avoided. And the fact that one's own financial instability is the cause of unhappiness is a scientific fact: we talked about this in another article.

The researcher names romantic partners and parents as agents of financial socialization because they have the strongest influence on a person's financial behavior. If they are not examples of financial literacy for you, Curran recommends communicating more often with those whose attitude towards money will be an example for you. Probably, some habits can be adopted. And her other recommendation is to talk to your partner about money.

Talking about finances makes a marriage stronger

Money causes strong emotions in almost every person. Often negative: fear, anxiety and shame. Because of this, many prefer not to discuss financial matters. The taboo remains even when it comes to married couples.

Financial Satisfaction and Financial Stressors in Marriage - SAGE Journals

Discussing financial issues helps to set common goals and bond, which strengthens the relationship as a whole. And sometimes it gives a chance to talk about something more. As Melissa Curran explains, oftentimes financial issues are not just about budgeting but also about power and control. The discussion will help the couple establish comfortable boundaries.

But it's not just that sincere talk about money strengthens relationships. And also in the fact that financial decisions that are discussed in pairs are usually more successful than those made alone. The study found that talking about shopping and investing in the family led to a reduction in unnecessary risk, an increase in savings, as well as less exposure to stereotypes and cognitive distortions.

Household Risk Behavior Experiment - The Economic Journal

To make the first conversation about money a success, psychologists recommend starting with general questions, and not with specific expenses. Discussing shared values ​​and financial background will help you understand your partner better. It's worth jotting down your list of questions, but here are a few from the psychologists' list:


How to talk to loved ones about money

  • what's the best financial advice you've ever received?
  • what are your long-term financial goals?
  • could you handle big unexpected expenses now? Do you have an airbag or someone you could turn to for help?
  • Are you satisfied with the amount that you now manage to save?

Each believes that he manages money better than his partner

Understatement leads to another problem: spouses often have distorted ideas about each other's financial behavior. A study conducted in the United States by Money magazine showed that often everyone believes that he is doing more for the material well-being of the family. For example, 75% of men believe that they have the most developed budgeting skills in their family, while the same opinion about themselves 69% of women.

Poll: What do husbands and wives think about money — Money

There are still many inconsistencies. Wives tend to overestimate their husbands' fear of losing their jobs, and husbands grossly underestimate their wives' ability to make the right decisions. Only 42% of husbands said that their wives strive to profitably invest the family budget, while 64% of wives named this as their main goal.

Another major study published in 2021 found that in most households, husbands are still considered the main experts in financial matters. This is especially true for very wealthy families.

Husbands, wives and financial literacy in wealthy households - Wiley Online Library

Do you consider yourself very experienced in money management? What about your wife or your husband? Source: money. com Do you consider yourself very experienced in money management? What about your wife or your husband? Source:

Partners hide some purchases from each other

There is a term in the behavioral sciences - financial infidelity. He describes a situation where partners do not tell the truth about their money.

Love, Lies, and Money: Financial Infidelity in Romantic Relationships - Journal of Consumer Research

Researchers identify 14 types of financial cheating, including hiding real income and debts, inconsistent airbag spending, secret accounts, hiding purchases, and lying about their cost. Approximately 31% of spouses have at least one of these sins behind them. Psychologist Amy Rollo says she has repeatedly had clients who felt cheated because of financial infidelity: for example, a partner's loan obligations became clear after the engagement or wedding.

Financial Infidelity in Couple Relationships - Financial Therapy AssociationPDF, 1185 KB

Does your partner cheat you financially? 31% admit to such infidelity - Forbes

At the same time, the most common types of financial infidelity are secret savings and hiding purchases or their real value. According to a study by Money magazine, women tend to hide the purchase of clothes and shoes and gifts for relatives and friends, while men hide gadgets and hobby goods.

The main reason for such a lie is an attempt to avoid a quarrel. But even if there was no quarrel, distrust undermines the relationship. According to financial advisers, the best solution in this case is to agree with a partner on limits on personal purchases.


Teaching financial literacy

Lack of money is the main reason for divorce

A 2021 VTsIOM study showed that Russians still cite lack of money as the main reason for divorce: 33% of respondents think so. This situation is not unique to Russia: the same is observed in the UK. And in the United States, for a long time, financial problems were considered the main reason for divorces, but in recent years they have gone to second place, giving way to infidelity.

From Marriage to Divorce: 1991-2021 — VTsIOM

Money Destroys Marriages in America — Ramsey Solutions

Although, perhaps it’s not poverty itself that pushes people to divorce, but disagreement with how a partner manages money. A study of 4,500 couples found that fights over money are a strong predictor of divorce, regardless of whether the couple has experienced real financial hardship.

Exploring the relationship between financial problems and divorce — Wiley Online Library

Why is money so important for family well-being? Study co-author Sonya Britt says that arguments about money are more emotional and intense than almost any other: people often use harsher language, and the argument lasts longer. It also takes more time to recover from such conflicts.

Loans often destroy relationships

Another test for couples is a loan. As financial psychologist Joy Lehr explains, credit is a big stressor on its own, but it often exacerbates many other relationship problems. Especially if repayment requires sacrifice on the part of the partner, and not the borrower himself.

Can debt ruin a relationship? Here's What Psychologists Say - Huffpost

Surveys show partner debt is a common cause for concern. But the level of unrest also depends on what the loan is taken for.

Relationships and Debt - Nitro College

When it comes to tuition fees, a mortgage, or a car loan, most spouses will take it with an understanding: money well spent. True, with the latter it is still worth being careful. 92% of respondents would rather date someone with a modest car and no debt than someone with an expensive car and a big monthly payment.


Definitely not: 5 situations when you should not take a loan

Source: Source: , - payday loans, which are taken from microfinance organizations at high interest rates.

Budgeting skills and frugality are sexy

An Ally Bank study of a thousand people found that financial literacy and the ability to save money are very attractive traits of a potential romantic partner. 55% of respondents would like their husband or wife to have them. Also on the list of attractive features is the ability to pay bills on time and thrift.

Most Americans are attracted to those who know how to budget and save - Ally Financial Inc.

Another American study examining the relationship between financial and romantic goals across generations came to similar conclusions. For millennials—those born between 1981 and 1996—particularly desirable qualities in a partner are the ability to set financial goals, stay within a budget, and be financially independent from parents or anyone else.

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The stocks of these companies can benefit from rising incomes of millennials and zoomers

Wealth sometimes ruins love

The absence of money problems and a stable above-average income increase the chances of finding love. In this case, financial opportunities are converted into new social contacts, which means that the chances of meeting the right person increase.

Money can buy love - The Daily Mail

But sometimes a high income causes discord in relationships. The team of psychologist Igor Grossman from the University of Waterloo conducted a study involving 2,500 people. Scientists tested how wisdom in decisions and the ability to compromise depend on a person’s income level: it turned out that rich people are less likely to show flexibility and empathy in relationships.

Social class and wisdom in judging interpersonal conflict - The Royal Society

This seems to be due to the fact that people who have achieved financial success are initially more oriented towards achievement and status than towards relationships and family. Flexibility is necessary for a relationship to satisfy both parties, but not all rich people make this their goal. They tend to have less fear of losing relationships and are more likely to view their partner as replaceable. But such an approach hits not only partners, but also themselves: it deprives the depth of relationships and trust.

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