Signs you re dating a sociopath

18 Signs You’re Dating a Sociopath & What to Do About It

Published: January 7, 2022 Updated: November 24, 2022

Published: 01/07/2022 Updated: 11/24/2022

Written by:

Silvi Saxena

MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C

Written by:

Silvi Saxena

MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C

A sociopath is someone who lacks empathy, manipulates close relationships, acts entitled, remains absent when others are in need, and shows no remorse for any harm they cause. Dating a sociopath is potentially harmful to your mental health and well-being, so knowing the signs is important if you suspect you’re dating a sociopath.

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What Is a Sociopath?

A sociopath is someone who is diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder (ASPD). Sociopaths can appear to be charming at first, but this never lasts. They exhibit antisocial behavior, which makes them want to break all the rules and exhibit a disregard for authority, act aggressively, lack feelings of guilt, and enjoy manipulating and controlling others.

Sociopathy in Men vs. Women

Sociopathy can look differently from person to person, and gender could play a role in what types of behaviors are more prevalent. While both genders are capable of any sociopath behavior, women tend to present less aggressive antisocial behaviors and higher rates of general aggressive mood and irritability, while men present more violent behaviors. Furthermore, women use more subtle ways to emotionally manipulate others while men often use more overt and dominant ways.¹

It’s become very common to throw out terms like sociopath when referring to a poor series of dates with someone or an individual that is not well liked and akin to a serial-killer character from a horror movie. While individuals labelled as “sociopaths” may have the self-absorbed and exploitative nature of a sociopath, there are other signs of a sociopath to look out for when you think you are dating one.

Here are 18 signs that you’re dating a sociopath:

1. They Don’t Like to Follow Rules

While a “bad boy” or “bad girl” can seem alluring initially, someone who doesn’t follow the rules long term can cause some serious issues. These behaviors can lead to violent and criminal behaviors and it’s possible you could be harmed in the process.

2. They’re a Pathological Liar

Everyone is capable of lying, which is never excusable, but sociopaths will lie about everything, especially to make sure they get what they want. Lies erode trust in any relationship and the chronic lies from a sociopath are a big red flag to be aware of. Knowing the signs of a pathological liar can help you spot this sociopathic trait.

3. They’re Arrogant

While it’s important to have high self-worth, sociopaths take that to a whole new level. Sociopaths are often very arrogant and have an inflated sense of self. Their ego is likely more important than the feelings of others and they often come off as superior to others.

4. They’re Superficially Charming

Everyone likes to be liked, but sociopaths use charming behaviors to lure people into their web to later manipulate and exploit them. They charm strangers and can be the life of the party, but their actions are all very calculated.

5. They Exhibit Impulsive Behavior

Sociopaths are constantly changing their mind or their plans based on how they feel. Given that their emotions are often fleeting, their ability to stick to a plan is low. They don’t like to plan ahead because they like to have control of their surroundings and impulsive behavior gives them control as others cannot predict their next move.

6. They Don’t Consider Consequences

Since sociopaths are so impulsive, they don’t think through potential consequences. They may try to pressure you to do something unsafe in the spirit of spontaneity or charm, but it comes with ulterior motives.

7. The Relationship Moves Quickly

If they are planning your future on the third date and proposing on the fifth date, you may think they are sure of you. However, this speed is often motivated by a sociopath’s underlying need to control. They use these tactics with hopes it comes off as charming so you will fall for the charm. They use these ideas of a picture-perfect future to hook you and exploit your feelings.

8. They Guilt-Trip You

Sociopaths use emotion to their advantage and unfairly manipulate you by guilt trips. They use excuses to get what they want and often appeal to your sense of wanting to love and nurture them. They are basically a con artist robbing you of your empathy.

9. They’re Abusive

Anger is the main emotion sociopaths feel, so it’s common for sociopaths to express anger and rage and emotionally abuse their partners. They also enjoy releasing the feeling and using that fear to benefit their power over you.

10. They Lack Empathy

A key trait of sociopaths is that they do not have a capability to have empathy for others. Even if they hurt someone, they cannot experience empathy for them or recognize the harm they caused.

11. They Refuse to Change

Even if they hurt someone or have faced consequences for their actions, this isn’t enough motivation for sociopaths to change. Most people change and grow from an experience, but sociopaths don’t change and will always continue to violate boundaries and rules.

12. They Don’t Have Close Friends

Sociopaths may seem charming and like the life of the party, however when you are with them for some time, sociopaths will reveal themselves to have no true close relationships. This is due to how self-absorbed they are and the consequences that came from past behavior that they lost relationships and burned bridges.

13. They’re Unreliable

Sociopaths tend to be quite full of themselves. They’re so self-absorbed they can’t show up for you and will likely forget about any commitments. They are often flaky and will likely disappoint you and will find a way to blame you for it.

14. They Disrespect Boundaries

They are not equipped to hear “no” and will not accept that, so they will try to mold you into who they want you to be. They will push your boundaries until they break and they can get their way.

15. They Don’t Consider Their Part of Conflict

They always blame others even for something they caused and use your emotions against you. They don’t support any emotion you may feel and leave you feeling invalidated. They question and challenge you and often will become angry if you do not accept responsibility for conflict.

16. They’re Revenge-Seeking

They are likely to be as vindictive as they are charming if you are on their wrong side. They will hold onto a grudge and will find ways to get revenge. They could even plot for months.

17. They Disregard Your Emotions

Because sociopaths lack empathy so in relationships with partners, they will likely never understand why you may be upset. They are incapable of putting themselves in the shoes of others and will never say sorry to you even though they did something wrong that hurt you. They will find a way to turn the situation on you and make it your fault.

18. They Have Anger Issues

Everyone gets angry sometimes, but sociopaths have a violent history of fights and expressions of rage. They are usually on edge and can easily get into fights. They can also be abusive physically, sexually and emotionally.

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Impacts of Dating a Sociopath

The individual experience of dating a sociopath can vary from relationship to relationship, however abuse of any kind is never excusable. Dating a sociopath can have serious consequences on your mental health and well-being.

Impacts of dating a sociopath include:¹

Lowered self-esteem
Trauma
Developing a mental illness
Isolation from family and friends
Work problems
Depression/Anxiety/PTSD exacerbation
Short temper

Having a healthy relationship with a sociopath is not possible due to the fluctuations of their mood and behaviors. Even if a sociopath today isn’t violent and abusive, this issue is on a spectrum of behavior so it’s not a behavior that can ever be ruled out. Oftentimes, the best option for dealing with a sociopath is to leave the relationship.

When your own health and wellness is being impacted, the relationship is doing more harm than good for you. When there is any kind of abuse, it’s important to recognize your worth and protect yourself and get help right away. Seek out the support of a therapist and come up with an exit plan so you can leave safely.

How to Get Over Dating a Sociopath

Making the decision and plan to leave a relationship with a sociopath can seem very scary and difficult. You may have your finances and housing intermingled which can be hard to separate. You may be experiencing trauma bonding as well which makes it challenging. You may also be so isolated from friends and family that you don’t know how to contact anyone for support. Know that you are not alone, and are brave for taking steps to leave any relationship that is abusive.

The right time to get help if you’re dating a sociopath and have concerns is when you first identify issues. It can be challenging to talk about with your partner, so it’s important to consider individual or couples therapy, depending on what your issues are. Given the emotionally volatile and abusive nature of relationships with sociopaths, it’s important to seek help immediately if you feel you are in danger of any kind.

You do not need to endure any kind of abuse in a relationship and are not obligated to stay or try to work things out. Abuse should never be tolerated and a therapist can help normalize this into an internalized belief.³

A great way to find a therapist for these types of relationship problems is by searching an online therapist directory. All licensed therapists can be equipped to help people struggling with these issues. Reading reviews and looking at clinician bios to understand their scope of practice can give you an idea of whether their experience suits your situation. Many therapists offer a free phone consultation and virtual/teletherapy visits.

Final Thoughts

What you’re struggling with may be specific to you, but you’re not alone. Dating a sociopath can be hard on your mental health but there are ways to heal. Talking to a therapist can make a big difference in how you feel.

Additional Resources

Education is just the first step on our path to improved mental health and emotional wellness. To help our readers take the next step in their journey, Choosing Therapy has partnered with leaders in mental health and wellness. Choosing Therapy may be compensated for marketing by the companies mentioned below.

BetterHelp (Online Therapy) – Dating is complicated and emotionally challenging. BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $60 per week. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you. Get Started

Online-Therapy.com (Online Therapy) – Are you dating someone with mental illness or addiction? Don’t face these challenges alone! The Online-Therapy.com standard plan includes a weekly 45 minute video session, unlimited text messaging between sessions, and self-guided activities like journaling. Recently, they added instructional Yoga videos. Get Started

Mindfulness.com (App) – Mindfulness and meditation can change your life. In a few minutes a day with Mindfulness.com, you can start developing mindfulness and meditation skills. Free Trial

Choosing Therapy’s Directory – Find an experienced therapist who has your best interests in mind. You can search for a therapist by specialty, availability, insurance, and affordability. Therapist profiles and introductory videos provide insight into the therapist’s personality so you find the right fit. Find a therapist today.

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for marketing by BetterHelp, Online-Therapy.com, and Mindfulness.com

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Choosing Therapy strives to provide our readers with mental health content that is accurate and actionable. We have high standards for what can be cited within our articles. Acceptable sources include government agencies, universities and colleges, scholarly journals, industry and professional associations, and other high-integrity sources of mental health journalism. Learn more by reviewing our full editorial policy.

Alegria, A. A., Blanco, C., Petry, N. M., Skodol, A. E., Liu, S. M., Grant, B., & Hasin, D. (2013). Sex differences in antisocial personality disorder: results from the National Epidemiological Survey on Alcohol and Related Conditions. Personality disorders, 4(3), 214–222. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3767421/
Flasch, P., Boote, D., & Robinson, E. H. (2019). Considering and navigating new relationships during recovery from intimate partner violence. Journal of Counseling & Development, 97(2), 148-159. https://digital.library.txstate.edu/handle/10877/9450
Murphy, C. M., Eckhardt, C. I., Clifford, J. M., LaMotte, A. D., & Meis, L. A. (2020). Individual versus group cognitive-behavioral therapy for partner-violent men: a preliminary randomized trial. Journal of interpersonal violence, 35(15-16), 2846-2868. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/29294732/

Written by:

Silvi Saxena

MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C

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How to Know If You're Dating a Sociopath

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When you think of a "sociopath," chances are you think of a serial killer or a con man in a movie. But chances are you've met a sociopath — after all, according to Harvard psychologist Martha Stout, author of "The Sociopath Next Door," one in every 25 people is a sociopath.

With so many alleged sociopaths around, and with their charming nature, it can be hard to know one when you see them. INSIDER spoke to experts about some tell-tale signs that the one you love may actually be a sociopath.

They charm the pants off of everyone in the room.

Everyone loves them. At first. Zachary Nelson/Unsplash

A standard trait of a sociopath is that they are charming and gregarious people. They know exactly what to say to everyone to get them to like them. That's probably why you were drawn to them in the first place.

"They typically know how to woo a person using incessant flattery and compliments," psychotherapist Patti Sabla told INSIDER.

Be careful: Because a charming people-person isn't necessarily indicative of a sociopath, you should look out for other signs, too.

They disregard your feelings.

They don't think about what affects you. Shutterstock

Sociopaths lack empathy so if you get upset with them, they have a hard time understanding why. They won't act sorry or even see a reason for you to be upset.

"They may get drunk and do something awful like tell off your mother or your best friend," Sabla said. "When you confront them about it the next day they don't care. They are incapable of empathy and may even try to blame you for 'trying to make them feel bad' about the situation."

You don't think even they believe what they're saying.

You just know they're talking out of their butts. Tim Stief/Unsplash

Do you ever get the feeling that the person you're talking to knows what they're saying isn't true? Sociopaths are skilled liars, but sometimes they're so disingenous that their actions and facial expressions give them away.

"You feel a weird sense that he’s not really believing his own words," Carlos Cavallo, a dating and relationship coach, told INSIDER. "Like they will tell you they love you, but their actions seem almost dissonant with it."

They lie constantly.

You catch them in constant fibs. Pexels/Trinity Kubassek

Sociopaths are compulsive liars because it's in their nature. They lie to make themselves look good.

They're also really good at it.

"Sociopaths can make up a blatant, outrageous lie without a blink of an eye with the drop of a hat," Sabla said. "Their lies usually are self-serving, making them out to sound really impressive."

You can't seem to stay mad at them.

They find a way out of it. Unsplash/Jared Sluyter

Even if you do catch them in one of their famous lies, you can't seem to be mad at them for long because a sociopath will charm you out if it.

"They have a smooth, fast way of dealing with people that you might even mistake for real charisma," Cavallo said.

They don't have many (or any) close relationships.

They have lots of acquaintances but no friends. Unsplash/ian dooley

Sociopaths are the life of the party, so plenty of people will know them and want to be around them. But sociopaths tend not to have a lot of real friends because of how self-involved they are and how often they hurt people.

If a person has a lot of burnt bridges and no real, close friends, they just may be a sociopath.

You feel like you're the only person in the room.

They put a weird amount of focus on you. Unsplash/Jared Sluyter

When you're in love, you might just feel like you're the only two people in the room. But if a person puts a creepy and unnatural amount of focus on you, then suddenly leaves you, they might be a sociopath.

"They’re with you seemingly non-stop," Cavallo said. "It’s almost consuming, until you run out of steam on their latest manic binge, and you’re left in the desert for a while."

You can't count on them.

They're notoriously flakey. Unsplash/One Wedding

Sociopaths are so self-involved that they will frequently forget things that have to do with other people. They will flake on people, forget things, and disappoint you. They won't take responsibility for it either.

They can't hold down a job.

They just can't be bothered. Flickr/John Walker

Sociopaths are sometimes terminally unemployed. They can't seem to hold down a job because of their attitudes and will blame it on everyone but themselves.

"They are so antisocial they burn their bridges at work and blame everyone else but themselves for their inability to succeed," relationship coach and matchmaker Bonnie Winston told INSIDER.

You get blamed even for their faults.

Nothing is ever their wrongdoing. Shutterstock

Saying 'I'm sorry' is not always easy, but sociopaths find it nearly impossible to admit they're wrong. They will always find a way to turn it around on you.

"For example, you ask them to pick you up from work at 4:00 p.m. When 4:30 p.m. comes and they don't show, you call them to find out what happened. They blame you for 'not reminding them because you know they are forgetful.' Then they try to guilt you for even asking them in the first place 'knowing how busy they are,'" Sabla pointed out.

They're spending your money.

They don't mind dipping into your funds. Unsplash/Scott Webb

Sociopaths feel entitled to what is yours, so they will know how to spend your money, psychotherapist and professor Nicki Nance told INSIDER.

If someone is way into you picking up the check or has no problem using your credit cards, they might be a sociopath.

They don't seem to know what makes you upset or why.

They just can't be bothered to figure it out. Unsplash/Dimitar Belchev

A good partner will know your triggers and do their best to avoid hitting them. Sociopaths seem to have a goldfish memory and can't seem to remember what ticked you off last. They just can't grasp that people have complex feelings.

"This will come out of his or her psychological issues, but will resonate as an overall feeling of strangeness in the way they handle their affairs with other people," Cavallo said. "A strong feeling of disconnect will plague you."

They want to seek revenge.

Sociopaths are petty. Unsplash/Kyle Broad

Sociopaths are generally known as charming, but if you cross them, you'll know why they don't keep people around for too long. If they feel they've been betrayed or lied to, they will go to sometimes extreme lengths seeking revenge.

"If they feel they have been embarrassed or humiliated, they will remember that," Sabla said. "Without anyone knowing it, they can be plotting revenge for days, weeks, or even months. They won't let it go until they feel they have 'gotten even.'"

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Get your feet wet: 10 signs you're dating a sociopath

Foto: Shutterstock

The word "sociopath" is associated with a person who is very self-absorbed and exploits other people. You may not want to date this type, but sociopaths can be charismatic, and some of the symptoms of their condition, such as impulsiveness, persuasiveness, and disregard for social norms, can sometimes be attractive, writes Prevention.

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A sociopath is a person with antisocial personality disorder who is alien to empathy, empathy, he uses close people and at the same time is indifferent to their needs, and also does not feel remorse for his bad deeds. As emphasized by the clinical psychologist, author of Stay or Leave? Ramani Durvasula, there is "little humanity" in such people, "they focus on themselves and make sure that you do only what is convenient for them."

Reference: Sociopathy cannot be dealt with on its own. This personality disorder is often difficult to treat, and sociopaths are usually convinced that they don't need help.

You may assume that you will never start a relationship with a person with these characteristics, but it happens. Here are ten signs that you are dating a sociopath.

They just don't care about you

It's not common for a sociopath to care about someone, he can refuse you help and support at any moment, sometimes even at a critical one. "Healthy relationships are based on mutual respect and empathy," says family therapist David Clow, author of You're Not Crazy: Letters from Your Therapist.

They don't follow the rules

Although this behavior may seem attractive at first, it can cause serious problems in the future, especially if the person has an urge to act criminally. This can harm you too. "Obviously they don't want any normal relationship, whether it's with a person or society," says Durvasula.

They are arrogant

Foto: Shutterstock

Sociopaths like to brag about how well they can do things, they are swaggering and arrogant and think they are the best. “People in relationships with sociopaths can suffer from being constantly criticized, devalued, insulted, and they are very uncomfortable,” says Durvasula.

They lie a lot

Lying is not good under any circumstances, but sociopaths will lie regularly to get their way and never regret it. "Because trust is the basis of close relationships, lying undermines them," says Durvasula.

They are loners

It is difficult for sociopaths to create and maintain any kind of relationship. “A sociopath is a person with a personality disorder that involves extreme antisocial behavior,” Clow says. If the person you're in a relationship with doesn't have friends, then you should think about it.

They manipulate people

Foto: PantherMedia/Scanpix

We're not talking about someone trying to convince you to open a bottle of expensive wine that you're saving for a special occasion (although that's not great either). “Sociopaths are exploitative by nature, not only in close relationships, but with any person,” explains Durvasula.

They don't think about the consequences

Doing things on impulse can seem exciting at first. But sociopaths are often impulsive and don't think about the consequences. “This is not only a danger to you or others, but also a financial risk to the family,” says Durvasula. “It can also lead to painful decisions in relationships. ”

They are moody

Sociopaths can be very irritable and easily excitable, and it's impossible to live like that. They can also turn to verbal abuse, and you will constantly worry about something accidentally hurting or upsetting them.

They refuse to change

Most people understand that they need to get rid of bad behavioral habits, learn from their mistakes and strive to become better. But not sociopaths. "They don't want to change, and relationships with them will always be difficult," says Durvasula. "That means they will continue to violate all norms of behavior, regardless of the consequences."

They cannot keep a job

Foto: Shutterstock

Sociopaths often have to struggle to keep their jobs and are often unemployed. "This can put the family in financial hardship, and even jeopardize housing and health," says Durvasula.

If you suspect you are in a relationship with a sociopath, try to leave as soon as possible. "Run away. See a therapist. Protect loved ones (like children)," says Durvasula. Relationships with a sociopath are rarely successful, much less happy.

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8 Signs You're Dating a Sociopath

Have you just finished an affair that made you dizzy?

You complain to friends: "Everything was fine at the beginning, then it got weird, the partner turned out to be unreliable, hurt / hurt me without realizing it, the situation turned into a truly dramatic one. " You may have dated a sociopath.

A sociopath is a person with a personality disorder characterized by antisociality, disregard for social norms, impulsivity, aggressiveness, and a severely limited ability to form attachments. A sociopath can be charming, but is focused on getting his desires done at the expense of everyone who crosses his path. Even the needs of the children of such a person fade into the background. In addition, this type is able to win an Olympic medal for lying without batting an eyelid.

Sociopaths lie and cheat as easily as other people breathe. Listen to your intuition if it tells you that a relationship with a new person does not add up.

Sociopaths do not feel bad after an argument; they don't "repent". They have several key "tools" that are missing from other people's emotional toolkit. According to statistics, from 1 to 4% of people on Earth are sociopaths.

Here are some key signs to recognize a sociopath.

1. They constantly apologize and make excuses.

Even if you manage to catch them in a lie, a sociopath will present reality in such a way as to look good. They apologize for everything.

2. Unreliability is their middle name.

At the beginning of dating, they will come to dates on time. But they get frustrated very quickly. You rebuke them for their unreliability and they swear they will change. But it's not.

3. They are strong.

Sociopaths literally charm you. If they want you, they are completely focused on you. This, of course, is incredibly flattering. Wait until you get bored with them and see how quickly their attitude changes.

4. They make many mistakes.

As you get to know a sociopath, you'll notice that they make a lot of mistakes and don't seem to learn from them.

5. There is often drama around them.

But it's always the other person's fault.

Learn more