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During the COVID-19 outbreak, many therapists have switched to providing therapy online through video conferencing. Gottman-trained therapists who practice online therapy can be found on the Gottman Referral Network.
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What is the Gottman Referral Network?
The Gottman Referral Network (GRN) is the primary resource for couples worldwide who are seeking professional help from Gottman-trained therapists. GRN members have received training in Gottman Method Couples Therapy, an approach based on 40 years of research with thousands of couples. Free to access, this database puts you directly in touch with experienced clinicians who use Gottman relationship-building techniques.
Therapists listed on the GRN have been trained by either Drs. John and Julie Gottman or Certified Gottman Therapists to work with individuals, children, and/or families on many issues. Many of our therapists specialize in treating anxiety, depression, addictions, trauma, abuse, and domestic violence, multi-cultural issues, and blended families, among others.
Gottman Referral Network therapists are located throughout the world. Gottman clinicians work from their own private practice or agency offices located.
Whether you are in crisis or whether you need a fresh look at an ongoing problem, a Gottman-trained therapist will contribute many years of training and experience toward helping you and your partner create a healthier and happier future.
What are the different levels of Gottman-trained therapists?
While on the Gottman Referral Network you’ll notice each therapist listed has a level of training listed below their name. The gold color denotes a therapist that has attained the level of Certified Gottman Therapist. All therapists listed on the Gottman Referral Network have completed at least Level 2 Training in Gottman Method Couples Therapy.
- Certified Gottman Therapist: Prior to their intensive training with Drs. John and Julie Gottman, Certified Gottman Therapists completed a graduate degree in Psychology or a related field and were trained to provide therapy to individuals, families, children and/or adolescents as well as to couples. Many have had their own private therapy practices for many years or even decades prior to entering training in Gottman Method Therapy. Certified Gottman therapist have completed all levels of Gottman Method training including the certification track.
- Level 3 Trained: The Certification Practicum, a four day program led by Drs. Julie & John Gottman. Level 3 trained therapists must complete Levels 1 and 2 before entering Level 3 Training.
- Level 2 Trained: Assessment, Intervention & Co-Morbidities, a four day training led by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, either in person or on DVD/videotape. A Level 2 trained therapist must complete Level 1 before entering Level 2 Training.
Therapists listed on the Gottman Referral Network (GRN) are all licensed or certified therapists who practice independently in their state, province, or country and are not supervised or monitored by Drs. John and Julie Gottman or The Gottman Institute. However, each has been specifically trained to provide Gottman Method Couples Therapy.
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Using the Gottman Referral Network to find a Gottman-trained therapist is free of charge.
Fees for therapy provided by Gottman-trained therapists are arranged directly with the independent therapist. Many therapists accept insurance when applicable.
If you would like further information about the Gottman Referral Network, contact us here.
Palo Alto Couples Counseling and Individual TherapySkip to content
Palo Alto Couples Counseling and Individual TherapyGal Szekely2022-11-22T12:42:52+00:00
Marriage Counseling and Individual Therapy in Palo Alto, Redwood City, and Los Gatos
The Couples Center specializes in marriage counseling and couples therapy. Our experienced, licensed marriage and family therapists (MFTs) provide individual therapy and couples counseling services in the South Bay Area, including Palo Alto, Los Gatos, and Redwood City.
Do you want to create a closer, more intimate relationship with your partner? Over time, most couples experience challenges in their relationship. With the help of an experienced marriage counselor, change can happen faster than you might think! Most of the time it only takes small changes—but the right ones—to create the relationship you desire. Contact us today to learn more!
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Are you getting stuck in the same arguments again and again? The Couples Center of the San Fransisco Bay Area can help you resolve underlying issues, so that you can easily speak about the things that matter most…. read more.
Intimacy is built on trust. When trust in a relationship has been compromised, it can feel very lonely. Marriage counseling can support you in taking the steps for rebuilding trust and connection… read more.Igniting Passion
Do you feel more like roommates than lovers? Has your sexual passion declined? Couples counseling can help you rediscover the vitality of your physical and romantic relationship… read more.
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We help both individuals and couples improve their relationships.Focused Process
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It is important for you to feel comfortable with your therapist. We’ll do our best to find you the counselor who best fits your needs.Specialized Focus
Our therapists and coaches specialize in individual therapy, Couples Counseling, and Sex Coaching + Therapy. No matter what you are experiencing, our therapists have the skills to help you find happiness.
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The Couples Center is for individuals and couples.
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If you’re coming to couples therapy for the first time, you probably have some questions about it. Here are some of the basics, with links for further resources: In relationship counseling, you’ll meet with one of our South Bay marriage therapists once a week for 50 to 60 minutes, or sometimes every other week for 75 to 80 minutes. Our Session rates start at $220, but senior level therapists start at $240.
Most of the time, the sessions will be together with you and your partner, but occasionally your therapist will meet with each one of you individually. You’ll meet in one of our Peninsula or South Bay counseling offices, depending on the relationship counselor assigned to you. In the first marriage therapy session, your therapist will get some background information from you and will clarify your goals for working together. Once your goals are clarified, your marriage counselor will work with both of you to identify the strengths of your relationship and how to build on them, and also the challenges you have and how to understand them.
Every couple has one or a few underlying patterns that cause most of their challenges. Once you identify them and know how to overcome them, your relationship can become much easier to manage and a lot more intimate. If you have specific questions, our Palo Alto, Redwood City, or Los Gatos marriage counselors will be happy to have an initial phone consultation with you. For more information, read what to expect from marriage counseling or our counseling FAQs.
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Co-dependent relationships: what are they, signs and how to get out of them
How to distinguish just an unhappy union from co-dependent relationships? And can codependent relationships be happy? We deal with a psychologist.
The author of the article is Svetlana Makhova, family psychotherapist, specialist in the service for the selection of psychologists Alter
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What is a co-dependent relationship
A co-dependent relationship is a destructive form of relationship in which a person is fully involved and completely absorbed in the life of another person, most often dependent on: alcohol, drugs, food, games, work, gambling and computer games, dangerous species sports, shopping and the like.
Participants in co-dependent relationships believe that the actions and behavior of other people completely affect their life and condition, so they are completely absorbed in controlling their own and others' actions, and thus regulate their own condition.
The term "codependency" means "joint dependency". It first appeared in medicine and psychology in the late 1970s, when scientists began to investigate the causes of relapse in people with chemical addiction. Alcoholics and drug addicts, returning after therapy and rehabilitation to their families, again began to drink or use drugs. The study of the relationship between the addict and close relatives helped to reveal the phenomenon of codependence as a stable system of attitudes, stimuli and reactions that support the use of drugs and alcohol.
Signs of a co-dependent relationship
A partner can be a husband/wife, parent/child, boss/subordinate/employee—any person with whom you are in some sort of relationship.
- you think it's your partner's fault that things aren't going well in your life because...
- if your partner is in a bad mood or something is not going well with him, or you think that something is wrong with him - you do not find a place for yourself, you cannot do anything, therefore . ..
- you must do something to make him feel good or everything will work out for him;
- you do not openly discuss problems with your partner - you discuss his behavior with other people, trying to understand its causes in order to find a way to fix the problem, because ...
- you are afraid to upset, offend, anger your partner;
- a partner can directly or indirectly blame you for something going wrong with him, and you easily agree with this;
- you think that help, support, attention, love must be earned by good behavior, and...
- if you do not receive due attention and help from your partner, then you think that you are not good enough and you need to become better.
A person with co-dependent behavior can be recognized by conversations: his involvement in the lives of other people is manifested in an endless discussion of others - spouse, colleagues, friends, neighbors. Communication with such people is reminiscent of a joke about lumberjacks: “What are lumberjacks talking about? In the forest - about women, with women - about the forest. At home, they discuss their boss or employees with relatives, at work - relatives, complaining about their behavior. In contact with such a person, the interlocutor has a feeling of some confusion: it is not clear what he wants, what he feels like in this situation or next to you. You want to save such a person right away: give him advice, offer help.
A still from Gossip Girl
How co-dependent relationships develop
The formation of a tendency to co-dependent relationships is influenced by certain conditions of upbringing, where parents or close relatives had an addiction, a mental disorder, demonstrated violence or used it as an educational measure in relation to the child. In such families, no one was interested in the feelings, experiences, needs and desires of the child, no one was interested in his opinion. The child rarely heard praise addressed to him. Everything that he did well was perceived as the norm, and for everything that did not work out, he was scolded, punished, criticized.
Silence and detachment as a way of punishment made the child suffer in uncertainty: he could not understand what his fault was and how to return the favor of his parents. As a result, the child learned that he was responsible for the condition and well-being of loved ones, and in order to please them, he must have the ability to guess how to do it.
There is no direct dialogue in such families. There, no one talks about himself, his experiences, desires, does not express requests. All communication is built on duty, avoidance of problems.
This is how a person learned from childhood that:
- he is the cause of everything that happens to loved ones;
- he is to blame for everything, he must understand the reason himself and find a way to fix everything;
- you can’t ask anyone - this is a sign of weakness, you have to guess;
- everything that happens to him can negatively affect others, be ridiculed and devalued, so it is not safe to talk about yourself;
- you can’t want anything for yourself - this is a manifestation of selfishness;
- first of all it is important to take care of others;
- others know better what is good for him, so the opinion of others is a priority.
A person's strong conviction that he must above all take care of others excludes even the thought of taking responsibility for his own life into his own hands and doing something for himself. Self-care is manifested in the expectation that others will take care of him if he "deserves" it. And instead of solving his own problems, he is violently involved in others, with a timid expectation that he will be noticed, appreciated, paid attention to him and offered help. It turns out, like Bulgakov in The Master and Margarita: “Never ask for anything! Never and nothing, and especially for those who are stronger than you. They themselves will offer and give everything themselves!
Shot from the film "500 Days of Summer"
In such relationships, the boundaries between the participants are blurred. A person does not distinguish where he is and where the other is. One perceives any refusal not as the will of the other ("Sorry, what you offer does not suit me"), but as the fact that he did not try hard enough or not good enough - "did not deserve it. " And if he tries, changes, becomes better, the other will definitely notice / love / appreciate / give him what he wants. Therefore, it is difficult for him to leave the relationship. He does not have the feeling that he is bad in a relationship, because the other does not meet halfway: there is fear, shame and guilt that he is doing something wrong. To be loved, you have to earn love. And he will stubbornly deserve it, regardless of the desires and will of others.
Our brains are lazy. People are more likely to build close relationships with their own kind, with those who will match their behavioral model. Co-dependent people don't see themselves very well in relationships where they don't have to take care of anyone: "Why would someone else need me if they can manage without me?"
As practice shows, almost all participants in co-dependent relationships have some kind of addiction (sometimes more than one). So, for example, in a family, the father drinks, the wife disappears at work, and the son chooses a way to get away from problems in computer games. The husband drinks, the wife has a food addiction. The girl talks about her relationship with a guy with whom they cannot leave - in the process it turns out that he once used drugs, and she was treated for anorexia.
Codependency and Karpman's triangle
Interaction between people in codependent relationships is illustrated by a psychological model called Karpman's triangle (also called the "triangle of fate"). This scheme was first described by American psychologist, MD Stephen Karpman in 1968. According to Karpman, there are three typical roles that participants in co-dependent relationships take in relation to each other: victim, persecutor, rescuer.
Shot from the series "Sharp Objects"
Playing one of these roles, each participant fulfills their unspoken, often unconscious needs and desires in the way that is most familiar to them - this is the hidden purpose and motive of being in such a relationship. However, in the long run, none of the "players" this situation will bring relief.
A gamer son will always be dissatisfied with his mother, who does not allow him to live in peace. A workaholic mother will always reproach her alcoholic husband and gamer son, who "sit on her neck" and "did nothing useful in life." An alcoholic father will complain about his wife who constantly saws him and his son. In this example, all members of the family, to one degree or another, move from one role to another: rescuer - persecutor - victim. By helping her son and husband, the wife actually does them a disservice by not letting them face the consequences of their behavior, and by criticizing them creates tension, which each of them relieves in a chosen way - through alcohol or games.
A person who plays the role of a persecutor or a rescuer does not realize that by doing so he only maintains the addiction.
Another example. A girl enters into a relationship with a married man who complains to her that his wife has ruined his whole life, and therefore he is very unhappy. She sees in him a suitable object for the realization of the role of a rescuer: "I will be better than his wife, I will definitely make him happy." The man is the victim, his wife is the persecutor, and the girl considers herself the rescuer. The man, however, is in no hurry to leave his wife, and the girl eventually tries on the role of the victim, reproaching him for spending years on him, saving his ruined life. Their relationship can last long enough, the man will not divorce, but he will not break off relations with the girl either. He will be tormented by a sense of duty to his wife and a sense of guilt towards the girl. The wife will try to get her husband back, the girl will try to keep the man; they will all stay in the relationship without trying to change anything.
Why do all the participants in the triangle, remaining dissatisfied with the situation, nevertheless do not come out of it? Initially, they all have self-doubt, low self-esteem, fear of loneliness, and need the approval of others. Through supposedly caring for a more “vulnerable”, “independent” person, they try to compensate for their own shortcomings.
Psychologist and co-author of transactional analysis Claude Steiner put it this way: “The victim is not really as helpless as he feels; The Rescuer doesn't really help, and the Persecutor doesn't really have a valid claim."
Consequences of co-dependent relationships
In a family with co-dependent relationships, one cannot want anything “for oneself” — this is perceived as selfishness, as something condemned. Therefore, no one talks about what is important to him, everyone waits for the other to guess. A person prefers to rely on social norms and attitudes, on the opinions of others (“they said on TV”, “the boss thinks”, “the girlfriend knows for sure”), that is, he comes from a certain idea of “how it should be”.
The idea of asking another what he wants is rare. Usually for two reasons. First, a person "must guess for himself. " Secondly, even if you ask, they are unlikely to tell you, because “you can’t want anything for yourself.” Usually they say with shyness: “What you choose, the main thing for me is your concern.” All participants in the relationship play the guessing game and care for others based on the idea of \u200b\u200bhow "it should be." Therefore, if a daughter wants a blue dress, they buy her a pink one: there is no need to disgrace the family - what will people think if they see a girl in blue? And a boy in a pink T-shirt or shirt with flowers is unacceptable. Parents sincerely worry about the reputation - both their own and the child's. But behind this fear of condemnation it is difficult to hear yourself, your desires, the request of a loved one.
Such “concern” goes hand in hand with total control, condemnation of the actions of loved ones, if these actions seem unacceptable. And since a person does not have his own system of values (in such a system everyone says what not to do, but no one says what to do), and he relies on the opinions of others, the rules of what not to do change often. Therefore, all participants in the relationship are in constant tension and anxiety, waiting for where and for what the reproach will fly.
Still from the film "Dirt"
What does the child hear? Most of the time, that he does everything wrong. As a rule, parents do not say how good it would be, how to fix the situation - because they themselves are not sure, and often do not know how. As a result, a person grows up who does not have support for any stable values. Such a person comes to a psychologist with the request “What should I do? What will be the correct decision? All his questions will be focused on how to do it right and how to do it. Such a person cannot defend his point of view - there is practically none; cannot make a choice, distinguish what is good for him and what is bad. If you ask him how he feels now, he will be confused, because it is important for him to give the "correct answer". Such people often experience communication anxiety for fear of saying or doing the wrong thing. Everything new and unknown in the family is perceived with hostility, as "dangerous". The initiative is not welcome. And when a child grows up, on the one hand, they demand independence from him, on the other hand, they continue to condemn all his attempts to do something, as well as any of his inaction. This leads to apathy and depression: I do it - it's bad, I don't do it - it's also bad.
A teenager who grew up in such a family often cannot choose where to go to study after school and who to be. Most likely, he will go where his parents say or where his classmates went, or he will delay admission without choosing a direction. Quite often teenagers go to computer games. This dependence, like no other, clearly reflects the lack of a stable value system. The game has a virtual opportunity to do something and achieve something. Passing levels, players acquire tools, skills, associates, become masters of their virtual life - here it depends on them and their actions have an obvious result. The rules and laws of the game give a sense of stability and, as a result, confidence. However, real life sags: children are lagging behind in their studies, they have no friends, there is no interest in anything other than games.
People who do not have a solid value base are permanently in a state of helplessness and despair due to their inability to change anything. There are many ways to get away from experiencing your worthlessness, guilt, shame, anxiety: alcohol, drugs, food, work, romance, and so on. Anything that allows you to quickly relieve stress. This is how addiction is formed.
What is drug addiction and how to protect loved ones from it
However, no addiction can make a person happy and his life full. Sooner or later, he begins to face the consequences of addictive behavior: it drags on, social ties collapse, problems grow like a snowball. A person with healthy boundaries, a stable value system, is unlikely to enter into a close relationship with a person who has a tendency to codependence. If you find yourself in such a relationship, it’s worth starting to deal not with your partner, but with yourself - most likely, during psychotherapy it will turn out that there were similar relationships in your parental family.
How to get out of a co-dependent relationship
If you feel that the current relationship is destructive for you, you are not confident in yourself, you don’t know how to live on, you lose meaning - seek help from a psychologist. Getting out of a codependent relationship can be difficult. Getting used to the role of a rescuer, a person feels guilty about leaving the "helpless" partner to the mercy of fate. Or the exit from the relationship is perceived as a defeat: "I failed." Or he is overwhelmed by the fear that he himself will not survive alone, although at the same time he supports himself and his family. Sometimes the partner begins to threaten suicide or violence, and then the person is in an unsafe situation and remains in the relationship out of fear.
As practice shows, it is possible to get out of co-dependent relationships by an effort of will, but this does not guarantee that in the future a person will not fall into them again. It is very difficult to single-handedly see those patterns and motives of behavior that lead to co-dependent relationships, recognize your contribution to what is happening, restore self-regulation skills and master new ways of building relationships. To get out of a co-dependent relationship, you first need to turn to yourself - learn to answer the questions "where am I, what do I feel and feel, what do I want, what are my capabilities and limits."
To develop the ability to understand your current state, you need to include in your value system the habit of answering questions:
- what is happening to me
- what is important to me
- what suits me and what doesn't suit me
- when it's time to say: "You can't do that with me."
Work with a psychologist can be carried out in one of three directions, and preferably in all at once.
The main task in overcoming codependent behavior is to work with destructive attitudes, distorted self-perception, and fears. A person learns to openly express emotions, take care of himself, thereby reducing the level of anxiety and tension.
Working with the family at the family psychologist
The goal is to recognize the contribution of each family member to the current situation, restore a direct dialogue, form a trusting relationship by expressing feelings and experiences, desires and needs, as opposed to pre-existing destructive relationships based on criticism, obligation , devaluation of desires and feelings of each other.
There are anonymous groups for codependents. In a group space, a person in a safe environment masters ways of productive interaction, with the help of the leader and group members, he restores a sense of his own importance. Working in a group returns a sense of security, support, and self-confidence increases. An image of a socially adapted, successful person with personal potential is being formed.
It is important to remember that there is a way out of co-dependent relationships, both individually and for the whole family. It consists in getting to know oneself, becoming aware of experiences, learning to present them to others, and building a system of values. Bring more certainty into relationships with yourself and others.
What happens to victims of codependency is not their fault. Their character is the result of education, and their actions are determined by the ways of adapting to adverse conditions that they had to use in childhood. We do not choose which family to be born into. And at the beginning of the journey, we are dependent on our parents - this is a fact. But the good news is that as we grow up, we have the choice to try things differently, to change our lives.
There are enough examples that relationships between partners, children and parents, friends are improving - if the participants are interested in this. When one member of a relationship changes, the rest must also change. This does not happen immediately, because the environment will resist. That is why it is important to go to both individual psychotherapy and family and group psychotherapy in order to receive maximum support during this difficult period of change.
Tags: psychology , relationship
Is it possible to find "a soul mate" on the Web? Psychologists - about the rules of a successful search - Moscow 03/24/2018
More and more residents of megacities find their "halves" on the Internet. Often, correspondence on dating sites even leads to marriage. We asked psychologists how to choose the right partner on the Web, what you need to pay attention to in the first place and how to recognize hardened "virtual people" who are not ready for a real relationship.
Three photos and four words
According to experts, it is best to start your presentation with a photo. Girls are encouraged to upload at least three successful pictures. The first is a portrait with a benevolent facial expression. On the second one, you can show yourself in full growth, and on the third one, you can share vivid emotions in real life, whether it's a walk with a dog or a vacation in the mountains. It is advisable to choose a positively charged photo that you and your friends would like. If you are looking for a serious relationship, in no case should you post candid photos or pictures in a swimsuit. There will be many offers, but they will hardly suit you. Those who limit themselves to one photograph may go unnoticed.
Men should also post their successful pictures, but those that show that he is socially active, full of energy and in demand in his environment. For example, in the gym, driving. More exotic ones are also suitable: on horseback or in the desert. This will show you as a versatile and socially active person. Psychologists note that appearance is not so important for men, the main thing is activity and success.
So, the photos are ready. What to write about yourself in the questionnaire? Neither women nor men are advised by psychologists to write their full biography and plans for the future. A few bright phrases are enough and it is best to do it with humor. Girls can write something like "I like to travel, drive and bake pancakes". You should not write in detail about yourself - otherwise your chosen one or chosen one may decide that you are a bore. Experts advise leaving the details for a closer acquaintance. You need to make the person on the other side of the screen want to get to know you better.
And looking through other people's profiles, we must not forget that on the Internet people embellish themselves, starting with photos and ending with opportunities and "regalia". “Intuition should work, but not everyone has it developed. A huge number of people take what they wish for reality,” warns Evgenia Zotkina, candidate of psychological sciences, sexologist, member of the Russian Scientific Sexological Society. "With someone you need to close the distance to see the best in a person. And with someone you never need to close it, because as long as the distance is maintained, a person appears as he wants to teach himself."
On dating sites, the opportunity to build relationships increases many times over. There are also an increasing number of scammers and lost illusions on the web, but it is nevertheless a huge space of opportunity.
Candidate of Psychological Sciences, sexologist
How to choose?
Both women and men who want to build a serious relationship must write "love, relationships, family and marriage" in the column "the purpose of dating". Psychologists note that children are an important point - subsequently, due to different views on this issue, the couple may part. You can briefly write about the qualities of the desired partner.
Men who want to get a lot of responses are advised by psychologists to write that they are looking for a woman who will be respected and taken care of.
What to look for
When the questionnaire is ready, you can go looking. And here it is important not to miss some "talking" nuances. You can learn a lot about a person just by carefully looking at his profile. For example, if a woman writes that she is looking for a self-sufficient, successful and wealthy man, she selects a man who will support her. If a man writes that he is looking for a "normal" woman who will take care of him, this may mean that he considers all his exes to be abnormal and sooner or later he will respond the same way about you. People are often pierced in such trifles.
Psychologists advise on such sites to tell about yourself as honestly as possible. "Sometimes people enter the Internet space who are not entirely confident in themselves in real life. Instead of developing themselves as a person, a person presents an unrealistic image to his partner. And in the end, destruction occurs when two people meet and completely do not meet each other's expectations . Many work out their complexes and remain in some kind of safety, "says a psychiatrist, a graduate student of the Department of Psychiatry and Narcology of the Clinic of Psychiatry. Korsakova Anna Kulikova.
Choose by yourself
Psychologists advise girls who have compiled a questionnaire not only to answer incoming messages, but to look at the questionnaires themselves. The fact is that many men who are busy and rarely visit the site may not be the first to write. As a rule, they choose girls for their appearance and often run into women who are looking for "sponsors".
Men who are interested in you can write something about his photographs or somehow comment on his story about himself. If, for example, he writes that he wants to jump with a parachute, you can write that you have already jumped, but you will not dare to repeat this trick. If you liked the photo of the chosen one or the chosen one, but nothing is indicated in the profile, you can directly ask who they are looking for on this site. Being on the site itself is already something in common that can unite. Psychologists advise light and polite correspondence
Insults are not a reason to delete your account
It is possible that you may be written something offensive, rude or offer sex. Under no circumstances should this be taken personally. For example, if a man writes something negative to a girl about her appearance, this speaks primarily of his complexes and insolvency. Especially often such negative reviews are received by girls who say they are looking for successful young people. A failed man can write something like: "with such an appearance and such requests." But in fact, he shows his inner complexes - perhaps some woman once reproached him for insolvency, etc.
Such people should simply be blacklisted immediately.
Meet as soon as possible
Correspondence should not be dragged out so that it does not turn into an online romance. If, after talking, you realized that you like the person, you can exchange phone numbers and first call, and then arrange a meeting. The most common mistake that people face on dating sites is when they are simply sucked into it like a quagmire, psychologists say. And instead of building a real live relationship, they begin to drag out correspondence, an online romance can last for weeks and even months.
A real person with serious intentions is not in the mood for a long network communication. If a person constantly delays the meeting, citing lack of time or does not give a phone number, he is thus wasting your time. Over time, it may turn out that he himself is married and on the site simply receives the attention that he lacks at home.
How to behave on a first date
Photo: Syda prodactioty.vuzschishezreschi
Psychologists advise to make the first date in a clear time frame - in case you don't have to figure out how to leave before dessert arrives. For example, a girl might say that she has an hour of free time during her lunch break. If you don’t like your partner, this will save you from an unpleasant pastime, and if the communication is interesting, it will increase his interest.
"For a first date, you can choose a wardrobe in advance, think about your appearance and work out a list of topics that can be discussed," advises Kulikova. chat in a cafe.
To build strong relationships, experts advise keeping a distance at the beginning. “Many women put themselves in a position, admitting the possibility of the absence of a candy-bouquet period,” explains Kulikova. “This moment of conquest is leveled on dating sites. A man feels more accessible. Due to the fact that he did not invest much in the relationship at the initial stage, the value of this relationship to the partner may be reduced."
Sergey, 31, chose his wife on the social network
My mother met her second husband on a dating site. It was about 16 years ago, then it was a novelty. I remember how she invited a friend "on the Internet", and they sat together on these sites. Previously, it was not as simple as it is now - more romantic and humane. As a result, she got married, she and her stepfather had a happy marriage, two children were born.
I also decided to try my luck on the Internet. But at first he did not want a serious relationship and just met for a couple of times. And then it was difficult to get off of it - this lightness is addictive: you go to the site, set all the parameters: age, etc., set the goal of dating - for example, "for sex" or "romantic meetings." Sometimes I wanted a serious relationship, but it didn’t work out. And then all this began to bother me, and I decided to look for something more serious, but already in social networks.
I entered the parameters I needed - age, city and looked through the girls. I chose girls only from Moscow. I had such a fad - you will not go to meet in another city. I had many prejudices. Then I lived alone in a three-room apartment, I was very suspicious and was afraid that they would marry me for the sake of an apartment. Sometimes I even put a specific name that I like. At that time, I chose girls named Marina.
One of them answered and we began to correspond, and a few days later I flew to Egypt. These two weeks we talked every day. During this time, our emotional connection has strengthened, we have learned a lot about each other. When you communicate online, you create some kind of image. You do not see the flaws and draw something in your head.
I arrived and we agreed to meet. For the first time, we went for a walk at VDNH to the Museum of Illusions and at the first meeting we were very squeezed. I immediately liked Marina very much, and a year later she told me that she was very disappointed on the first date. I turned out to be much younger than she imagined, she was looking for a serious man and was upset. Then she said: if we had met right away, most likely, the relationship would not have worked out.