Narcissistic doctor husband

Signs You’re Married To A Narcissist—And What To Do About It

It’s not that there are no red flags that signal narcissism during dating, it’s that many of the tell-tale traits of narcissism become more pronounced after getting hitched.

“With marriage—and parenthood—there’s more interdependence, more demands,” says Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D., author of Should I Stay or Should I Go: How to Survive a Relationship with a Narcissist. “And that often doesn’t play well with an egocentric narcissist.”

Could your dearly beloved, in fact, be a narcissist? Here are some signs to clue you in.

Signs You Married A Narcissist

Some of the same things that attracted you to your partner, such as confidence, assertiveness, and a big personality, may actually be the same characteristics that fuel their narcissism. Not all of the signs are obvious either, and some may have you wondering if you're the problem, not them.

#1: You Feel Isolated

Drifting apart from some friends after a big life change (marriage! babies!) happens to everyone, but if your life is now rife with severed ties, it’s time to pause and reassess.

“After marriage, narcissists often isolate their spouses from their friends through a slow and methodical process,” says Cristina Dorazio, PhD, a psychologist who provides both individual and couples therapy in New York City. Your significant other may go out of his or her way, for instance, to make an argument as to why they don't like your friend. (Bad-mouthing others is a very common narcissistic behavior, notes research in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.)

“They can be very good at this, even making you start to question why you were ever friends in the first place,” says Dorazio. This is especially true for friends who are “on to” your narcissist spouse’s behavior.

#2: You're Being Gaslighted

Why can’t you take a joke? I never said that! Why are you always so angry? You’re being paranoid. Why can’t you let go of the past? No one will ever love you like I do. These questions and phrases can be typical of narcissists.

“This is all part of gaslighting,” says Durvasula. Here, an individual uses words or behavior to cause you to doubt and confuse your own reality. “I have never seen a narcissistic marriage in which gaslighting did not happen,” says Durvasula.

#3: Praise Looks Like This

Before you were married, there’s a good chance your now-spouse heaped on the flattery. (Narcissists know how to woo.) After the I Dos, however, that often shifts dramatically. Now, the compliments may only arrive when you are in the company of others.

“This allows the narcissist to look like a great husband in front of other people and contradicts any complaints you might share about him later,” says Dorazio.

Another flattery twist: While compliments directed to you might fizzle, a narcissist might instead lay it on thick to others in your orbit. “They do this to feed your insecurity,” says Dorazio.

#4: It Feels Like Your Partner Is Trying To Make You Jealous

Beyond praising others, a narcissist may talk glowingly about an ex or flirt with someone right in front of you. This is no accident or innocent misstep, but a strategic move designed to make you feel jealous, according to a 2017 report in the journal Personality and Individual Differences. Beyond stoking your own insecurity, researchers note that narcissists do this in order to wield control and/or to buoy their self-esteem.

#5: There's This Jealousy, Too

Jealousy is not an uncommon reaction when a baby joins a narcissist’s family, says Suzanne Degges-White, PhD, professor and chair of the department of counseling and higher education at Northern Illinois University in DeKalb: “Narcissistic partners can become resentful of the time you invest in child care, so he might begin to insist that you focus more attention on the marriage than the child.”

This, however, is not universal. Some narcissists, in fact, dramatically shift their focus solely on the baby. “These narcissists may see the child as an extension of themselves, so they co-opt the child, leaving you on the sidelines in terms of attention and family involvement,” says Degges-White.

#6: Your Parenting Skills Are Criticized

“Narcissists often blame any perceived ‘bad’ behavior of their children on their spouse’s lack of parenting skills,” says Dorazio. Adding insult to injury, narcissists are often not as involved as their spouse in raising children in the first place—and they often use their career as an excuse to bow out of responsibilities. “In fact, if the narcissistic husband is the sole provider or earns more money in the marriage, they’ll often use that as a counterargument to not taking care of the children,” says Dorazio.

#7: They 'Confide' In Your Family

Narcissists are, by definition, self-involved folks who lack empathy. So it’s no shock that you’d likely turn to your support system to complain and commiserate about this type of behavior. The catch? Knowing very well that you’d likely do this, a narcissist may talk to your family and friends before you get the chance to. “A narcissist may say he’s concerned that you’re a bit ‘off’ lately,” says Dorazio. “Because, if he confides about your problematic behavior first, he takes the heat off himself.”

#8: The Signature 'Love Bombs' Dwindle

When dating, you were likely overwhelmed with signs of adoration, like constant love notes, flower deliveries and surprise gifts. (This is what it feels like to be swept off your feet, you thought!) After marriage, however—poof—it all stops. “You’ve been conquered through marriage, so courting with ‘love bombs’ is no longer needed,” says Dorazio, noting that these extravagant displays can often return, typically when your spouse wants something from you.

“For example, if you’re surprised with a trip, you may be expected to show your gratitude in a very specific way, like dressing a certain way while on the trip or being available for sex whenever your spouse wants,” says Dorazio.

#9: They Admit It!

A study of more than 2,200 people found it’s actually pretty easy to ID narcissists. You simply need to ask them the following: To what extent do you agree with this statement: "I am a narcissist. " And you need to define “narcissist” at the same time, noting that it means egotistical, self-focused and vain. Researchers relayed that the reason this works is that those who are narcissists can appear to be proud of it.

How To Deal With Your Narcissist

“Narcissists typically don’t perceive their behavior as a problem. Instead, they feel that they’re perfectly fine and others have problems,” notes Degges-White. That doesn’t mean that there’s no hope. Here are some tips on communicating with a narcissistic partner.

Argue this way. Narcissists cannot be wrong, making arguing with them close to impossible. “So it’s smart to find a way to convince your partner that the ‘right answer’ or the ‘right thing to do’ was their idea,” says Degges-White. “This way, you can compliment them on what a great idea they had to solve the issue.”
Ignore insults. Insults are bait. A narcissist wants you to take them, react to them, and engage in a fight. But if you refuse to play, a fight is less likely to happen.
Ask yourself questions. It can be helpful to reflect on possible reasons why you chose, or perhaps were drawn to, a spouse who exhibits narcissism. (A therapist is great at helping you navigate this.) Once you start to understand your motivation, you’ll have more clarity as to what you need.
Foster other healthy relationships. Turn to friends, family, a therapist—any supportive person who can offer you the respect and sounding board to help with your emotional health.

The Spouse's Dilemma

Marriage is hard work, even in the best of circumstances. And society and families preach that marriage is “for better or worse.” On top of this, narcissists don’t usually take criticism or suggestions well. So, it’s no surprise that someone who stays with a narcissistic spouse may tend to tolerate or ignore their narcissistic behavior.

Unfortunately, tolerating behavior might also mean you’re allowing it. When you make room for their behavior, you’re inadvertently enabling the narcissist to influence and control your life. In the process, you may start to lose or deny what’s important to you, including your hopes, dreams, and need for unconditional love.

You might feel you’re tolerating your spouse’s bad behavior only temporarily, while hoping or believing in a different future for your marriage. You imagine the relationship will get better somehow on its own or return to being more like a time when things were good.

But research on narcissists' relationships shows that although a narcissistic person might enhance their partner early in the relationship, as the relationship progresses, they will only become more focused on their own wants and needs—to the detriment of the other and the relationship.

As much as you may want to hope for change, it’s crucial to recognize that the mere act of sticking around and putting up with it will not improve a narcissist's behavior. They need to want to work toward change.

Cheating

A 2020 study published in PLOS One looked at the links between narcissism, infidelity, and relationship satisfaction in young adults. The researchers found that narcissism was a predictor of infidelity. In other words, people with narcissistic personality disorder might be more likely to cheat on their partners than the general population.

Narcissists cheat for different reasons, including a lack of empathy. According to a 2014 Personality Disorders report, lack of empathy is a primary distinguishing feature of NPD.

When a narcissistic spouse cheats, they don’t necessarily understand how their actions affect others. Narcissists tend to be present-centered, caring primarily about their moment-to-moment desires, with little regard for anyone else’s feelings.

When your partner cheats, it’s natural to wonder what you did wrong. But your partner’s infidelity is not your fault. The average person who cheats will feel some guilt, but when a narcissist cheats, they are less likely to consider the effects on their partner.

Feeling Unloved

You may often feel unloved when married to a narcissist, which also isn’t your fault. According to a 2019 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, people with NPD have traits that make it harder to love another person.

Your narcissistic spouse may not be able to support you or show genuine emotion. Any love or affection they show is often given only for their own benefit.

It’s possible that your spouse made you feel loved early in the relationship. They may even have made you feel like you were the most important person in the world. But as time progressed, it’s likely that they started to ignore and devalue you.

Narcissists are good at making the people close to them feel both loved and unloved, which can be confusing and emotionally draining. Narcissists usually want you to feel loved so that you love them back and fulfill their need to be adored. At the same time, they also want you to feel like you are undeserving of love and that no one but them could possibly love you.

This conflict can lead you to become emotionally dependent, making it less likely that you’ll leave. If you express concerns about your spouse’s behavior or consider leaving them, they will likely find a way to reel you back with promises of change, gifts, and extra attention. They may also (or alternatively) issue threats.

Love should not depend on absolute obedience or the suppression of your own needs—financial, emotional, physical, spiritual, or social. Love should be unconditional. Everyone, including you, deserves that kind of love.

Being Stuck or Taken Advantage of Financially

Narcissists are skilled at taking advantage of their spouses financially. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 99% of domestic abuse victims experience financial abuse. Money is the most significant barrier to leaving an abusive relationship.

If you’re married to a narcissist, you might be working and paying for everything while your partner refuses to work. Or, your partner might keep any money they earn for themselves.

A narcissist may also use money as a way to punish their partner. When they get what they want, they might reward you financially (with a gift or money). When they’re being hurtful or cruel, they might withhold money, whether it’s for a genuine need (such as household supplies, food, clothing, etc.) or for something you simply want. If you can, try to be prepared—set some funds aside for basic expenses, or in case you find that you need to leave an unsafe situation quickly.

Being married to a narcissist can be difficult. If your narcissistic spouse is willing to seek help, it might be possible to navigate your marriage successfully together. But if they’re unwilling to do so, with the help of a trusted professional, you can always choose to seek peace of mind and heal by leaving the marriage.

What you say about others could point to your own narcissism: Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 2010. “Perceiver Effects as Projective Tests: What Your Perceptions of Others Say about You.” https://digitalcommons.unl.edu/
Why narcissists spark jealousy: Personality and Individual Differences. 2017. “Do narcissists try to make romantic partners jealous on purpose? An examination of motives for deliberate jealousy-induction among subtypes of narcissism.” https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Gregory_Tortoriello/publication/315693591_Do_narcissists_try_to_make_romantic_partners_jealous_on_purpose_An_examination_of_motives_for_deliberate_jealousy-induction_among_subtypes_of_narcissism/links/59d4ceed4585150177fc820f/Do-narcissists-try-to-make-romantic-partners-jealous-on-purpose-An-examination-of-motives-for-deliberate-jealousy-induction-among-subtypes-of-narcissism.pdf
How to ID a narcissist: American Psychological Association. 2016. “Speaking of Psychology:Recognizing a narcissist” https://www.apa.org/research/action/speaking-of-psychology/narcissism
Are you a narcissist?: PLOS One. 2014. “Development and Validation of the Single Item Narcissism Scale (SINS).” https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0103469

Altınok A, Kılıç N. Exploring the associations between narcissism, intentions towards infidelity, and relationship satisfaction: attachment styles as a moderator. PLoS One. 2020;15(11):e0242277. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0242277

Baskin-Sommers A, Krusemark E, Ronningstam E. Empathy in narcissistic personality disorder: from clinical and empirical perspectives. Personal Disord. 2014;5(3):323-333. doi:10.1037/per0000061

Czarna AZ, Śmieja M, Wider M, et al Narcissism and partner-enhancement at different relationship stages. J Res Personal. 2022;98:104212. doi:10.1016/j.jrp.2022.104212

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. Quick guide: economic and financial abuse. Available at https://ncadv.org/blog/posts/quick-guide-economic-and-financial-abuse. Published April 12, 2017. Accessed October 24, 2022.

Vrabel JK, Zeigler-Hill V, Lehtman M, et al. Narcissism and perceived power in romantic relationships. J Social Pers Relat. 2019;37(1):124-142. doi:10.1177/0265407519858685

Notes: This article was originally published July 10, 2020 and most recently updated November 21, 2022.

Holly Pevzner

Holly is a self-described "slipper-wearer; Brooklyn-dweller; slow-cooker addict; and mom to two human rascals." She writes about parenting, pregnancy, health, nutrition, and family travel. Holly started her career as a magazine editor and spent years at several glossies, including Self, Prevention, and Fitness magazines. Now, as a freelancer, she works as a contributing editor at Scholastic Parent & Child, writes the family health column for First for Women, and regularly contributes sponsored, social, and traditional content to brands, pubs, and websites such as The Bump, Everyday Health, and Fisher-Price.

Signs You’re Married To A Narcissist—And What To Do About It

It’s not that there are no red flags that signal narcissism during dating, it’s that many of the tell-tale traits of narcissism become more pronounced after getting hitched.

Could your dearly beloved, in fact, be a narcissist? Here are some signs to clue you in.

Signs You Married A Narcissist

#1: You Feel Isolated

Drifting apart from some friends after a big life change (marriage! babies!) happens to everyone, but if your life is now rife with severed ties, it’s time to pause and reassess.

#2: You're Being Gaslighted

#3: Praise Looks Like This

“This allows the narcissist to look like a great husband in front of other people and contradicts any complaints you might share about him later,” says Dorazio.

Another flattery twist: While compliments directed to you might fizzle, a narcissist might instead lay it on thick to others in your orbit. “They do this to feed your insecurity,” says Dorazio.

#4: It Feels Like Your Partner Is Trying To Make You Jealous

#5: There's This Jealousy, Too

#6: Your Parenting Skills Are Criticized

#7: They 'Confide' In Your Family

#8: The Signature 'Love Bombs' Dwindle

#9: They Admit It!

A study of more than 2,200 people found it’s actually pretty easy to ID narcissists. You simply need to ask them the following: To what extent do you agree with this statement: "I am a narcissist." And you need to define “narcissist” at the same time, noting that it means egotistical, self-focused and vain. Researchers relayed that the reason this works is that those who are narcissists can appear to be proud of it.

How To Deal With Your Narcissist

Argue this way. Narcissists cannot be wrong, making arguing with them close to impossible. “So it’s smart to find a way to convince your partner that the ‘right answer’ or the ‘right thing to do’ was their idea,” says Degges-White. “This way, you can compliment them on what a great idea they had to solve the issue.”
Ignore insults. Insults are bait. A narcissist wants you to take them, react to them, and engage in a fight. But if you refuse to play, a fight is less likely to happen.
Ask yourself questions. It can be helpful to reflect on possible reasons why you chose, or perhaps were drawn to, a spouse who exhibits narcissism. (A therapist is great at helping you navigate this.) Once you start to understand your motivation, you’ll have more clarity as to what you need.
Foster other healthy relationships. Turn to friends, family, a therapist—any supportive person who can offer you the respect and sounding board to help with your emotional health.

The Spouse's Dilemma

Cheating

Narcissists cheat for different reasons, including a lack of empathy. According to a 2014 Personality Disorders report, lack of empathy is a primary distinguishing feature of NPD.

Feeling Unloved

Your narcissistic spouse may not be able to support you or show genuine emotion. Any love or affection they show is often given only for their own benefit.

Being Stuck or Taken Advantage of Financially

If you’re married to a narcissist, you might be working and paying for everything while your partner refuses to work. Or, your partner might keep any money they earn for themselves.

A narcissist may also use money as a way to punish their partner. When they get what they want, they might reward you financially (with a gift or money). When they’re being hurtful or cruel, they might withhold money, whether it’s for a genuine need (such as household supplies, food, clothing, etc. ) or for something you simply want. If you can, try to be prepared—set some funds aside for basic expenses, or in case you find that you need to leave an unsafe situation quickly.

What you say about others could point to your own narcissism: Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 2010. “Perceiver Effects as Projective Tests: What Your Perceptions of Others Say about You.” https://digitalcommons.unl.edu/
Why narcissists spark jealousy: Personality and Individual Differences. 2017. “Do narcissists try to make romantic partners jealous on purpose? An examination of motives for deliberate jealousy-induction among subtypes of narcissism. ” https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Gregory_Tortoriello/publication/315693591_Do_narcissists_try_to_make_romantic_partners_jealous_on_purpose_An_examination_of_motives_for_deliberate_jealousy-induction_among_subtypes_of_narcissism/links/59d4ceed4585150177fc820f/Do-narcissists-try-to-make-romantic-partners-jealous-on-purpose-An-examination-of-motives-for-deliberate-jealousy-induction-among-subtypes-of-narcissism.pdf
How to ID a narcissist: American Psychological Association. 2016. “Speaking of Psychology:Recognizing a narcissist” https://www.apa.org/research/action/speaking-of-psychology/narcissism
Are you a narcissist?: PLOS One. 2014. “Development and Validation of the Single Item Narcissism Scale (SINS).” https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0103469

Baskin-Sommers A, Krusemark E, Ronningstam E. Empathy in narcissistic personality disorder: from clinical and empirical perspectives. Personal Disord. 2014;5(3):323-333. doi:10.1037/per0000061

Czarna AZ, Śmieja M, Wider M, et al Narcissism and partner-enhancement at different relationship stages. J Res Personal. 2022;98:104212. doi:10.1016/j.jrp.2022.104212

Vrabel JK, Zeigler-Hill V, Lehtman M, et al. Narcissism and perceived power in romantic relationships. J Social Pers Relat. 2019;37(1):124-142. doi:10.1177/0265407519858685

Notes: This article was originally published July 10, 2020 and most recently updated November 21, 2022.

Holly Pevzner

Holly is a self-described "slipper-wearer; Brooklyn-dweller; slow-cooker addict; and mom to two human rascals. " She writes about parenting, pregnancy, health, nutrition, and family travel. Holly started her career as a magazine editor and spent years at several glossies, including Self, Prevention, and Fitness magazines. Now, as a freelancer, she works as a contributing editor at Scholastic Parent & Child, writes the family health column for First for Women, and regularly contributes sponsored, social, and traditional content to brands, pubs, and websites such as The Bump, Everyday Health, and Fisher-Price.

Narcissists: who they are, signs of narcissism, rules of conduct

The article was checked and commented by clinical psychologist and scientific researcher Christina Andreyuk.

Who is
How to recognize
Men and women
Types
Treatment
How to communicate
How to leave

Who is a narcissist?

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Narcissism is a feature of the psyche in which a person perceives himself as a unique individual, considers himself better than others, which is not always true. In fact, these traits are present in the character of many people. In a healthy personality, they result in ambition and a desire to please. But under a certain scenario, laid down in childhood, such behavior can turn into a pathology, which is often accompanied by other diagnoses, such as bipolar disorder and depression. nine0003

Contrary to popular belief, people with narcissistic personality disorder do not like themselves very much. Rather, they admire their grandiose projection, which allows them to close gaps in their own self-esteem. Such protection allows narcissists to avoid deep feelings and self-doubt. A person with this disorder does not tolerate minimal criticism, he perceives remarks as a personal insult and is able to throw a tantrum if someone refuses to admire him. You can check how narcissistic traits are characteristic of you or your partner using the NPI questionnaire [1]. The more positive answers a person gives to statements from the list compiled by American psychologists and researchers Robert Raskin and Howard Terry, the more narcissistic features appear in him. Meeting people with a true personality disorder is not easy. According to various sources, their number in society varies from 1 to 6%. nine0003

How to recognize a narcissist?

According to the American psychiatrists' handbook "Diagnostical and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders" [2], there are nine signs of narcissistic personality disorder. If at least five of these are present, a doctor may suspect a disorder. Usually such a person:

Has an inflated sense of self-importance. He often exaggerates his achievements and talents. Expects people to admire his actions, even if they were minor. If the narcissist organized the cleaning of the yard, then at least the district newspaper should write about it. nine0006
Preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, beauty, or ideal love. To each new partner, the narcissist can say that he is the love of his life or wait for him to fulfill his fantasies. The beginning of such a relationship is a magical, but short period. In work, the narcissist, according to him, is a genius. If he has not been able to achieve great results, he is simply sure that success lies ahead of him, even if it is time for him to retire.
Believes that he is not like others and has few equals. Therefore, the environment must match. The narcissist chooses “special” people as friends and partners, for example, with high social status or model appearance. Thus, he seems to reflect himself through them, because his problems are unique and can only be understood by special people. Narcissists like to be associated with big brands, whether it be in their work projects or clothing choices. nine0006
Requires constant attention, recognition and admiration, even if you just took out the trash or cooked dinner.
Absolutely sure that everyone owes him. Expectations for other people are usually very high. Close people are obliged to fulfill the requests of the narcissist at the first call.
Uses other people to achieve his own goals. For him, it goes without saying. The narcissist is not used to sincerely thanking for services and does it only within the framework of the accepted ethical norm. nine0006
It is difficult for him to experience empathy. Such people are not able to draw a parallel between their feelings and the feelings of others. Therefore, the narcissist does not even think about when he hurts someone. Very often, this behavior is mistaken for abuse by partners of narcissists. In fact, he may be concerned with how to hide the shame of his failure and not lose his greatness.
Often jealous of others and believes that others envy him. In the latter case, it is by this circumstance that the narcissist explains the criticism of others in his address. nine0006
Arrogant towards other people. Such a person absolutely sincerely believes that he is better than others, and other people's shortcomings are an excellent reason to assert himself.

To decide to end a relationship with a narcissist, write down the reasons for breaking up and keep the list with you

Men and women are narcissists disorder in one form or another, men are more likely to be affected by this disorder than women.

The data were collected over a period of 30 years, and the percentage ratio between the sexes did not change much during this time [3]. nine0003

In doing so, the researchers noted two important points. First, male narcissists were more likely than females to exploit others and believe they were entitled to certain privileges. Secondly, men were more likely to seek power. Scientists explain this by the fact that until recently, leadership qualities did not meet the criteria for femininity. According to one of the authors of the study, Emily Griyalva, girls are more often criticized for aggressiveness and authoritarianism. Thus, society unconsciously suppressed manifestations of narcissistic behavior [4]. nine0003

As regards vanity and striving for a bright self-presentation, in this respect there was no significant difference between men and women.

Types of narcissists and how they are formed

There are different approaches to the formation of narcissism, including studies that allow for genetic influence, but this is not a decisive factor in the formation of personality.

In 1914, Sigmund Freud stated that children somehow go through a stage of primary narcissism. He believed that this was an intermediate stage of growing up, but later he singled out other forms of narcissism, to a greater extent associated with mental disorders. nine0003

Neuro-Freudian Karen Horney argued that the development of such character traits may be due to the fact that parents in various ways pushed the child to create psychological protection. For example, they could delegate the embodiment of their ambitions or rejected the real manifestations of the child, instilling a sense of inferiority.

The contribution of parental figures to the formation of narcissistic disorder is also noted by psychotherapist and researcher Otto Kernberg. He compares narcissism with a false prop that a person erects in order to receive from others the admiration and confidence that he did not receive from his parents in childhood and cannot give himself in adulthood [5]. nine0003

In the book of psychologist Elinor Greenberg "Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations: the pursuit of Love Admiration and Safety" [6], the author divides narcissists into three types:

Open, or grandiose. Embodied stereotype. A bright character illustrating this feature of development and behavior. His whole being screams, "Look at me." This childish behavior indicates that a person is stuck at an age when adults pay a lot of attention to the child, praise him excessively, suggest that he is special, forgetting to teach him empathy. nine0006
Hidden or depressive. Such people can grow up in families where one of the relatives, including mother or father, was a narcissist. At the same time, there was a high level of competition for love and attention. On the one hand, children copied the behavior model of narcissistic parents, on the other hand, such a child formed protective mechanisms, since an adult narcissist would certainly assert himself at his expense. Growing up, such people may not openly say that they are special. They would rather choose a person, a book, an object and exalt their virtues. Thus, the narcissist puts them on a par with himself. In personal relationships, such people do not like direct conflicts. Their weapon is passive aggression. A favorite technique is to promise and not deliver, and then blame the other person for everything. They tend to be insecure, and ambivalent behavior often leads them to depression. nine0006
Perverse or toxic. Such people go even further. They love not only admiration, but also submission. Narcissists of this type love to wreak havoc around themselves, the same that reigned in their childhood in relationships with their parents. These narcissists often give their partners an emotional rollercoaster of humiliation and praise. They take pleasure in destroying other people's careers, destroying people morally and spiritually.

Mixed representatives of these types also exist. nine0003

Treatment for Narcissism

Most often, narcissists do not even suspect that something is wrong with them, because they do not tend to blame themselves for something. So if such people were seen by a specialist, then the reason for this could be related problems: depression, bipolar disorder, or excessive alcohol consumption. There is no cure for narcissism yet. Psychotherapy has a positive effect on such patients. Properly structured classes can help a person establish relationships with loved ones, learn to withstand criticism, stop despising themselves and others, set realistic goals and achieve them, and not dream of sky-high heights [7]. nine0003

Although there is no cure for narcissism yet, psychotherapy has a positive effect

How to communicate with a narcissist?

Building an even relationship with a narcissist is not always easy. Some prefer to just cut them off. But what if this is not possible? Let's say that person is a family member or ex-husband/wife with whom you have children in common.

The first thing psychologists advise is to try to detach yourself emotionally. Ignore toxic statements and manipulations. It is useless to expect sudden changes in behavior from such people. According to research, narcissists do not tend to learn from their own mistakes simply because they are sure they did not make them [8]. nine0006
Your personal boundaries are your guard against the actions of a narcissist. “This won’t happen to me anymore”, “I won’t fall for these manipulations” - phrases that will help to avoid an unpleasant conversation or intrusive requests of a narcissist. You can't wait for a response.
The shortest possible answers, conditionally “yes” and “no”, are your main allies in a dialogue with such a person if he began to resort to manipulation. By minimizing communication, you give him much less reason to hook on to some phrase and launch an attack. nine0006
Stick to the topic of conversation and don't get sidetracked. Perhaps your counterpart will try to knock you out of the saddle with accusations or get personal. In this case, the phrase “We are going off topic” will help bring the discussion back on track.
Compliments. If you really need to get something out of a narcissist, don't be stingy with praise. Most likely, he will even enjoy fulfilling your request. Yes, this is manipulation, but who said that only a narcissist can use this technique? nine0006

How to get away from a narcissist

The end of a relationship is never easy. With a narcissist, breaking up can be doubly difficult. For him, the fact that he was abandoned is an intolerable insult. That is why he will try by hook or by crook to bring the partner back. During this period, he will become sensitive and gentle, will swear eternal love and will do this until his victim loses his vigilance. Often, therefore, relationships with a narcissist develop into a cycle of breaks and reunions. Nevertheless, if you decide to put an end to your communication, psychologists recommend the following:

Write down the reasons why you want to leave. It's best to keep this list around in case the narcissist decides to drag you back into the relationship by talking about eternal love.
Give up illusions. It is difficult for such people to change, especially without the help of a specialist. Do you have time to wait until he finally learns to show empathy and respect?
Break all contacts. Ask a friend to pick up your belongings from the narcissist. Block this person in all phones and messengers. If you have children in common, at first ask someone close to you to be with you at general meetings. nine0006
Release your feelings. Breaking up, even with a toxic person, is always hard. Give yourself time to get over this situation. Just don't expect the narcissist to suffer in return. Most likely, during this period, he will try to restore his shattered ego and will choose not the most pleasant ways for this: either he will tell everyone what a bad person you are, or seek solace in the arms of someone else.

There are nine signs of narcissism, but five signs can already be suspected of it

Kristina Andreyuk, clinical psychologist, researcher. Research interests: mentalization, manipulative behavior, personality disorders

In addition to family relationships, external factors can also enhance narcissistic traits. Media and social networks broadcast often unattainable ideals, and self-improvement services are imposed by advertising. All this can affect the psyche.

In "normal narcissism" people try to please others, to achieve success in work, which helps them to adapt in society. However, in the case of pathology, a person's ideas about themselves are distorted. In this case, the emphasis is on the grandiosity of his figure. He experiences difficulties in forming adequate ideas about other people, abuses manipulations, grossly violates the boundaries of the interlocutor and ignores his comfort. Narcissistic features can manifest themselves in pathological perfectionism, hypochondria, constant attempts to correct their "flaws", including, for example, transforming one's appearance as the most noticeable attribute of self-presentation for others. nine0003

On the surface, narcissists give the impression of being rather pleasant people. According to research, many socially active narcissists have charisma, know how to hold an audience, are not afraid to express themselves, appear self-confident, and have high claims regarding academic and professional achievements. These qualities often show up in job interviews and help narcissists get into leadership positions. However, such bosses may use too subjective criteria when evaluating employees, focusing not on their professional achievements, but on the degree of admiration, devotion, and the absence of doubts about the correctness of the leader's decisions. nine0003

Close relationships are difficult for narcissists. In partners and friends, they are primarily looking for confirmation of their exclusivity, superiority (which reinforces vulnerable self-esteem). Often, such people confuse the attachment that accompanies healthy partnerships and collaborations with the addiction that can shackle and inspire fear. The demands of constant adoration and recognition of their grandiosity, which the narcissist often implements in the form of excessive control over the thoughts and feelings of a partner, in most cases, sooner or later are not fully satisfied, which leads to conflicts and increased manipulative behavior. nine0003

If you have found any manifestations of narcissistic traits in yourself and want to change them, then it will be useful for you to develop the skills of self-reflection, mentalization (understanding mental states), work on the development of emotional intelligence, empathy (for example, discuss with friends the films you have watched, read books in terms of understanding the inner world of the characters, their motivation, etc.). It is very important to learn to analyze what is happening from different positions, without sliding into extreme points, such as, for example, idealization and depreciation - look for alternative explanations. Try to look at situations or actions from different angles, noting the possible positive aspects of seemingly negative events, including during conversations with loved ones. nine0003

If your loved one has narcissistic traits, you need to learn how to track the emotional states of both you and your interlocutor. It is necessary to soberly analyze situations of interpersonal communication. For example, learning to recognize imposed guilt requires being able to maintain your boundaries and autonomy of choice. Psychotherapeutic help will be useful in both cases.

Tags: psychology

Narcissist man: signs and how to get along with him

Published: June 14, 2021, 19:50

Illustrative photo: Pixabay.

com

An ambitious, charismatic, self-confident guy is able to charm a lady from the first minutes. Do not rush to sing of his qualities and be captivated by charisma. Perhaps the bright personality is a narcissist, and the main love of his life is himself. Leading relationship psychologists figured out how to recognize such a man and how to get along with him.

Who is a male narcissist

Narcissism is a pattern of behavior in which people rise above others. They consider themselves unique, confident that they are superior to other people in all respects - thinking, creativity, etc.

Who is called a narcissist

This is a man whose self-esteem is formed on the basis of approval from the outside. The problem of the narcissist is that he is not able to evaluate himself independently of the world around him, and a negative assessment is the most terrible event in his life. Narcissists have a psychological need to be the center of attention and be admired by others.

Male narcissists:

position themselves as people who have exclusive rights; nine0006
crave adoration without giving anything in return;
look arrogant and cold.

Male narcissists have fragile self-esteem, so they need approval. These are vulnerable and insecure people, and arrogance and grandiosity are psychological protection.

In order not to feel unimportant and insecure, such men constantly prove to others and to themselves their personal exclusivity. To do this, they flaunt a variety of achievements and attributes of their uniqueness, which are often real only in their imagination. nine0003

Psychologist, psychotherapist Veronika Stepanova says that narcissistic personality disorder begins in childhood. Most often, the trigger mechanism is parents who form in the child an incorrect assessment of his own self and the type of relationship with other people. Often narcissism is accompanied by other diagnoses, such as depression, bipolar disorder.

How to recognize a narcissist

A narcissist is difficult to spot at first sight. Many of them are talented, successful and interesting people who are truly admirable. Some narcissists emphasize material achievement, social status, while others flaunt spiritual, intellectual, or creative uniqueness. nine0003

The narcissist's need for a protective mask is so great that he himself is not able to separate his real self from the gigantic Ego he has cultivated. However, it is possible to identify a man with a narcissistic disorder.

Psychologist, coach-trainer Pavel Rakov described the signs that will help to recognize a male narcissist:

A narcissist is able to love only himself. He can beautifully look after a girl, be a generous patron and a skilled lover, but he will never give warmth or show respect. He is psychologically incapable of getting closer on a spiritual level. nine0006
Narcissus is a tyrant. For such a man, a companion is an attribute that emphasizes his status in society. If she ceased to meet his requirements, the relationship will change beyond recognition or be broken. If something does not suit him in the partner’s personality, he will definitely change it in accordance with his own ideas.
Narcissus is a spoiled hedonist. He is convinced that any joys of life are exclusively his prerogative. Therefore, others are obliged to do everything to make him feel good. nine0006
Narcissists are hypocritical. They are able to play several roles at the same time with amazing success. If their deception is revealed, narcissists will find an opportunity to justify themselves and blame others for everything that happened.
Narcissists are insensitive. Mental suffering, accidents, dangerous diseases will never arouse sympathy in the heart of such a man, even if a close and dear person suffers. He will only grieve when his own authority falls.

How to recognize a narcissist: Pixabay

A characteristic feature of a narcissist is the use of the pronouns “I”, “mine”, “me” and the verb “I want”. This happens because the narcissist thinks only of their own worth and desires. He does not say "You need to finish the work in an hour", but says "I want to see the results of the work in an hour."

A severe degree of narcissistic disorder is accompanied by egocentrism, depreciation of the merits of others, rage, and manipulation. It is difficult for close people of a narcissist to withstand such emotional and psychological stress. nine0003

How to build a relationship with a narcissistic man

It is easy to fall in love with a narcissistic man. He is interesting, well-groomed, knows how to attract attention. But building a harmonious relationship with such a person is difficult. Dr. Leon Seltzer, a psychologist in psychology, claims that the narcissist's constant attitude of "You are nothing to me" causes an acute feeling of loneliness, depression, and even self-loathing in a partner.

Psychologist and relationship coach Anna Iotko says that a narcissist does not need love and will not be a lifeline for him. Entering into a relationship with such a man is easier than breaking them. Anna explains that daffodils can be sweet and charming, as long as the partner always and in everything supports his point of view and fully agrees with his opinion. nine0003

Ironically, women love daffodils. He is really good and at the beginning of the relationship makes the lady feel special, surrounds her with care. Narcissists are skilled manipulators. They are able to brainwash and convince anyone of their uniqueness and superiority.

Leon Seltzer explains that a narcissist's partner cannot predict a man's reaction to a behavior or statement. A woman is forced to constantly try to please him in order to avoid unpredictable anger. His typical behavior is to beat a downer. nine0003
How to make a narcissist fall in love with you

Can a narcissist fall in love? When it comes to narcissistic personality disorder or pathological narcissism, a person perceives other people as a source of satisfaction or a tool to achieve a certain goal.

His love is not a mature feeling, but a desire to possess. When people exhibit only some of the traits of narcissism, they are able to fall in love and build relationships. However, it is more difficult for them to truly fall in love than for other people. nine0003
How to make a narcissistic man fall in love with you? He is firmly confident in his own exclusivity, so it is difficult to win his heart. The beautiful deeds of a woman, which an ordinary man will highly appreciate, will be small and insignificant for him. But if a woman is ready to fight, she should take into account the following recommendations:

Constantly say compliments. The narcissist is aware of his exclusivity, but he needs to constantly prove that the woman thinks so too. Even if open flattery sounds, he does not doubt for a moment the sincerity of praise. nine0006
Emphasize even small achievements repeatedly. Tell how proud you are of him and how important the deed he has done is.

Gain recognition from others. It is vital for him that society recognizes a woman as the best, openly admires her virtues.

Work on appearance and image. The chosen one of the narcissist should shine with beauty and a well-thought-out wardrobe.

Avoid jealousy, but focus on the compliments you receive. The narcissist should know that a woman is successful with men, but he got it. nine0006
Support him everywhere, express sympathy, show understanding.

Tell us how important and dear he is, emphasize that you are inspired by him.

Finding a common language and becoming a truly loved narcissistic man is not easy.
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