Narcissistic behaviour pattern
Narcissistic Personality Disorder - HelpGuide.org
What is narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)?
The word narcissism gets tossed around a lot in our selfie-obsessed, celebrity-driven culture, often to describe someone who seems excessively vain or full of themselves. But in psychological terms, narcissism doesn't mean self-love—at least not of a genuine sort. It's more accurate to say that people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are in love with an idealized, grandiose image of themselves. And they're in love with this inflated self-image precisely because it allows them to avoid deep feelings of insecurity. But propping up their delusions of grandeur takes a lot of work—and that's where the dysfunctional attitudes and behaviors come in.
Narcissistic personality disorder involves a pattern of self-centered, arrogant thinking and behavior, a lack of empathy and consideration for other people, and an excessive need for admiration. Others often describe people with NPD as cocky, manipulative, selfish, patronizing, and demanding. This way of thinking and behaving surfaces in every area of the narcissist's life: from work and friendships to family and love relationships.
People with narcissistic personality disorder are extremely resistant to changing their behavior, even when it's causing them problems. Their tendency is to turn the blame on to others. What's more, they are extremely sensitive and react badly to even the slightest criticisms, disagreements, or perceived slights, which they view as personal attacks. For the people in the narcissist's life, it's often easier just to go along with their demands to avoid the coldness and rages. However, by understanding more about narcissistic personality disorder, you can spot the narcissists in your life, protect yourself from their power plays, and establish healthier boundaries.
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Signs and symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder
Grandiose sense of self-importance
Grandiosity is the defining characteristic of narcissism. More than just arrogance or vanity, grandiosity is an unrealistic sense of superiority. Narcissists believe they are unique or “special” and can only be understood by other special people. What's more, they are too good for anything average or ordinary. They only want to associate and be associated with other high-status people, places, and things.
Narcissists also believe that they're better than everyone else and expect recognition as such—even when they've done nothing to earn it. They will often exaggerate or outright lie about their achievements and talents. And when they talk about work or relationships, all you'll hear is how much they contribute, how great they are, and how lucky the people in their lives are to have them.
They are the undisputed star and everyone else is at best a bit player.
Lives in a fantasy world that supports their delusions of grandeur
Since reality doesn't support their grandiose view of themselves, narcissists live in a fantasy world propped up by distortion, self-deception, and magical thinking. They spin self-glorifying fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, attractiveness, and ideal love that make them feel special and in control. These fantasies protect them from feelings of inner emptiness and shame, so facts and opinions that contradict them are ignored or rationalized away. Anything that threatens to burst the fantasy bubble is met with extreme defensiveness and even rage, so those around the narcissist learn to tread carefully around their denial of reality.
Needs constant praise and admiration
A narcissist's sense of superiority is like a balloon that gradually loses air without a steady stream of applause and recognition to keep it inflated.
The occasional compliment is not enough. Narcissists need constant food for their ego, so they surround themselves with people who are willing to cater to their obsessive craving for affirmation. These relationships are very one-sided. It's all about what the admirer can do for the narcissist, never the other way around. And if there is ever an interruption or diminishment in the admirer's attention and praise, the narcissist treats it as a betrayal.
Sense of entitlement
Because they consider themselves special, narcissists expect favorable treatment as their due. They truly believe that whatever they want, they should get. They also expect the people around them to automatically comply with their every wish and whim. That is their only value. If you don't anticipate and meet their every need, then you're useless. And if you have the nerve to defy their will or “selfishly” ask for something in return, prepare yourself for aggression, outrage, or the cold shoulder.
Exploits others without guilt or shame
Narcissists never develop the ability to identify with the feelings of others—to put themselves in other people's shoes.
In other words, they lack empathy. In many ways, they view the people in their lives as objects—there to serve their needs. As a consequence, they don't think twice about taking advantage of others to achieve their own ends. Sometimes this interpersonal exploitation is malicious, but often it is simply oblivious. Narcissists simply don't think about how their behavior affects others. And if you point it out, they still won't truly get it. The only thing they understand is their own needs.
Frequently demeans, intimidates, bullies, or belittles others
Narcissists feel threatened whenever they encounter someone who appears to have something they lack—especially those who are confident and popular. They're also threatened by people who don't kowtow to them or who challenge them in any way. Their defense mechanism is contempt. The only way to neutralize the threat and prop up their own sagging ego is to put those people down. They may do it in a patronizing or dismissive way as if to demonstrate how little the other person means to them.
Or they may go on the attack with insults, name-calling, bullying, and threats to force the other person back into line.
Different types of narcissist
Narcissism comes in several forms. Adaptive narcissism is when a person with this disorder leans into positive traits—such as self-sufficiency and confidence—that can actually be healthy. They may help someone set high ambitions at work, for example, or enjoy satisfying relationships without being overdependent on a partner.
Maladaptive narcissism, on the other hand, is characterized by the toxic traits, such as a sense of entitlement and willingness to exploit others. The different forms of maladaptive narcissism include:
Overt or grandiose narcissism. Overt narcissists tend to be extroverted but also uncooperative, selfish, and overbearing. Their exaggerated self-image and high self-esteem allow them to be confident and assertive. However, they’re also likely to overestimate their own emotional intelligence.
Covert or vulnerable narcissism. It's common to imagine all narcissists as dominant and overwhelming in social situations. However, covert narcissists are introverted. They tend to be extremely sensitive to criticism and suffer from low self-esteem. They can be defensive and passive-aggressive, but they are less likely to overestimate their emotional abilities than overt narcissists.
Communal narcissism. Communal narcissists tend to view themselves as altruistic and claim to care deeply about fairness. They present themselves to others as supportive and selfless. However, their behavior is motivated by a desire for social power and a sense of superiority or entitlement. Because of this, their actions don’t always match their beliefs.
Antagonistic narcissism. In contrast with communal narcissists, antagonistic narcissists take a highly competitive approach to social interactions. They often exhibit zero-sum thinking, believing that every situation has a “loser” and “winner.
” This view of the world leads them to be aggressive and hostile. They may be quick to disparage others and slow or unwilling to forgive.
Malignant narcissism. Malignant narcissism can be a more destructive form of the personality disorder. In addition to the typical signs of narcissism, a malignant narcissist might be aggressive, paranoid, or sadistic—taking joy in other people’s pain. They tend to display antisocial behavior, disregarding the rights or safety of others.
Dealing with a narcissist: Don't fall for the fantasy
Narcissists can be very magnetic and charming. They are very good at creating a fantastical, flattering self-image that draw us in. We're attracted to their apparent confidence and lofty dreams—and the shakier our own self-esteem, the more seductive the allure. It's easy to get caught up in their web, thinking that they will fulfill our longing to feel more important, more alive. But it's just a fantasy, and a costly one at that.
Your needs won't be fulfilled (or even recognized). It's important to remember that narcissists aren't looking for partners; they're looking for obedient admirers. Your sole value to the narcissist is as someone who can tell them how great they are to prop up their insatiable ego. Your desires and feelings don't count.
Look at the way the narcissist treats others. If the narcissist lies, manipulates, hurts, and disrespects others, he or she will eventually treat you the same way. Don't fall for the fantasy that you're different and will be spared.
Take off the rose-colored glasses. It's important to see the narcissist in your life for who they really are, not who you want them to be. Stop making excuses for bad behavior or minimizing the hurt it's causing you. Denial will not make it go away. The reality is that narcissists are very resistant to change, so the true question you must ask yourself is whether you can live like this indefinitely.
Focus on your own dreams. Instead of losing yourself in the narcissist's delusions, focus on the things you want for yourself. What do you want to change in your life? What gifts would you like to develop? What fantasies do you need to give up in order to create a more fulfilling reality?
Set healthy boundaries
Healthy relationships are based on mutual respect and caring. But narcissists aren't capable of true reciprocity in their relationships. It isn't just that they're not willing; they truly aren't able. They don't see you. They don't hear you. They don't recognize you as someone who exists outside of their own needs. Because of this, narcissists regularly violate the boundaries of others. What's more, they do so with an absolute sense of entitlement.
Narcissists think nothing of going through or borrowing your possessions without asking, snooping through your mail and personal correspondence, eavesdropping on conversations, barging in without an invitation, stealing your ideas, and giving you unwanted opinions and advice.
They may even tell you what to think and feel. It's important to recognize these violations for what they are, so you can begin to create healthier boundaries where your needs are respected.
Make a plan. If you have a long-standing pattern of letting others violate your boundaries, it's not easy to take back control. Set yourself up for success by carefully considering your goals and the potential obstacles. What are the most important changes you hope to achieve? Is there anything you've tried in the past with the narcissist that worked? Anything that hasn't? What is the balance of power between you and how will that impact your plan? How will you enforce your new boundaries? Answering these questions will help you evaluate your options and develop a realistic plan.
Consider a gentle approach. If preserving your relationship with the narcissist is important to you, you will have to tread softly. By pointing out their hurtful or dysfunctional behavior, you are damaging their self-image of perfection.
Try to deliver your message calmly, respectfully, and as gently as possible. Focus on how their behavior makes you feel, rather than on their motivations and intentions. If they respond with anger and defensiveness, try to remain calm. Walk away if need be and revisit the conversation later.
Don't set a boundary unless you're willing to keep it. You can count on the narcissist to rebel against new boundaries and test your limits, so be prepared. Follow up with any consequences specified. If you back down, you're sending the message that you don't need to be taken seriously.
Be prepared for other changes in the relationship. The narcissist will feel threatened and upset by your attempts to take control of your life. They are used to calling the shots. To compensate, they may step up their demands in other aspects of the relationship, distance themselves to punish you, or attempt to manipulate or charm you into giving up the new boundaries. It's up to you to stand firm.
Don't take things personally
To protect themselves from feelings of inferiority and shame, narcissists must always deny their shortcomings, cruelties, and mistakes. Often, they will do so by projecting their own faults on to others. It's very upsetting to get blamed for something that's not your fault or be characterized with negative traits you don't possess. But as difficult as it may be, try not to take it personally. It really isn't about you.
Don't buy into the narcissist's version of who you are. Narcissists don't live in reality, and that includes their views of other people. Don't let their shame and blame game undermine your self-esteem. Refuse to accept undeserved responsibility, blame, or criticism. That negativity is the narcissist's to keep.
Don't argue with a narcissist. When attacked, the natural instinct is to defend yourself and prove the narcissist wrong. But no matter how rational you are or how sound your argument, they are unlikely to hear you.
And arguing the point may escalate the situation in a very unpleasant way. Don't waste your breath. Simply tell the narcissist you disagree with their assessment, then move on.
Know yourself. The best defense against the insults and projections of the narcissist is a strong sense of self. When you know your own strengths and weaknesses, it's easier to reject any unfair criticisms leveled against you.
Let go of the need for approval. It's important to detach from the narcissist's opinion and any desire to please or appease them at the expense of yourself. You need to be okay with knowing the truth about yourself, even if the narcissist sees the situation differently.
Look for support and purpose elsewhere
If you're going to stay in a relationship with a narcissist, be honest with yourself about what you can—and can't—expect. A narcissist isn't going to change into someone who truly values you, so you'll need to look elsewhere for emotional support and personal fulfillment.
Learn what healthy relationships look and feel like. If you come from a narcissistic family, you may not have a very good sense of what a healthy give-and-take relationship is. The narcissistic pattern of dysfunction may feel comfortable to you. Just remind yourself that as familiar as it feels, it also makes you feel bad. In a reciprocal relationship, you will feel respected, listened to, and free to be yourself.
Spend time with people who give you an honest reflection of who you are. In order to maintain perspective and avoid buying into the narcissist's distortions, it's important to spend time with people who know you as you really are and validate your thoughts and feelings.
Make new friendships, if necessary, outside the narcissist's orbit. Some narcissists isolate the people in their lives in order to better control them. If this is your situation, you'll need to invest time into rebuilding lapsed friendships or cultivating new relationships.
Look for meaning and purpose in work, volunteering, and hobbies. Instead of looking to the narcissist to make you feel good about yourself, pursue meaningful activities that make use of your talents and allow you to contribute.
How to leave a narcissist
Ending an abusive relationship is never easy. Ending one with a narcissist can be especially difficult as they can be so charming and charismatic—at least at the start of the relationship or if you threaten to leave. It’s easy to become disoriented by the narcissist’s manipulative behavior, caught up in the need to seek their approval, or even to feel “gaslighted” and doubt your own judgement. If you’re codependent, your desire to be loyal may trump even your need to preserve your safety and sense of self. But it’s important to remember that no one deserves to be bullied, threatened, or verbally and emotionally abused in a relationship.
There are ways to escape the narcissist—and the guilt and self-blame—and begin the process of healing.
Educate yourself about narcissistic personality disorder. The more you understand, the better you’ll be able to recognize the techniques a narcissist may use to keep you in the relationship. When you threaten to leave, a narcissist will often resurrect the flattery and adoration (“love bombing”) that caused you to be interested in them in the first place. Or they’ll make grand promises about changing their behavior that they have no intention of keeping.
Write down the reasons why you’re leaving. Being clear on why you need to end the relationship can help prevent you from being sucked back in. Keep your list somewhere handy, such as on your phone, and refer to it when you’re starting to have self-doubts or the narcissist is laying on the charm or making outlandish promises.
Seek support. During your time together, the narcissist may have damaged your relationships with friends and family or limited your social life.
But whatever your circumstances, you’re not alone. Even if you can’t reach out to old friends, you can find help from support groups or domestic violence helplines and shelters.
Don’t make empty threats. It’s a better tactic to accept that the narcissist won’t change and when you’re ready, simply leave. Making threats or pronouncements will only forewarn the narcissist and enable them to make it more difficult for you to get away.
Seek immediate help if you’re physically threatened or abused. Call 911 in the U.S. or your country’s local emergency service.
For more tips on leaving, read How to Get Out of an Abusive Relationship.
After you’ve left
Leaving a narcissist can be a huge blow to their sense of entitlement and self-importance. Their huge ego still needs to be fed, so they’ll often continue trying to exert control over you. If charm and “love bombing” doesn’t work, they may resort to threats, denigrating you to mutual friends and acquaintances, or stalking you, on social media or in person.
Cut off all contact with the narcissist. The more contact you have with them, the more hope you’ll give them that they can reel you back in. It’s safer to block their calls, texts, and emails, and disconnect from them on social media. If you have children together, have others with you for any scheduled custody handovers.
Allow yourself to grieve. Breakups can be extremely painful, whatever the circumstances. Even ending a toxic relationship can leave you feeling sad, angry, confused, and grieving the loss of shared dreams and commitments. Healing can take time, so go easy on yourself and turn to family and friends for support.
Don’t expect the narcissist to share your grief. Once the message sinks in that you will no longer be feeding their ego, the narcissist will likely soon move on to exploit someone else. They won’t feel loss or guilt, just that never-ending need for praise and admiration. This is no reflection on you, but rather an illustration of how very one-sided their relationships always are.
If you need help for narcissistic personality disorder
Due to the very nature of the disorder, most people with NPD are reluctant to admit they have a problem—and even more reluctant to seek help. Even when they do, narcissistic personality disorder can be very challenging to treat. But that doesn’t mean there’s no hope or that changes aren’t possible. Mood stabilizers, antidepressants, and antipsychotic drugs are sometimes prescribed in severe cases or if your NPD co-occurs with another disorder. However, in most cases psychotherapy is the primary form of treatment.
Working with a skilled therapist, you can learn to accept responsibility for your actions, develop a better sense of proportion, and build healthier relationships. You can also work on developing your emotional intelligence (EQ). EQ is the ability to understand, use, and manage your emotions in positive ways to empathize with others, communicate effectively, and builder strong relationships.
Importantly, the skills that make up emotional intelligence can be learned at any time.
Last updated or reviewed on March 28, 2023
Narcissism: Personality Patterns and Concerns
“Narcissist” is indeed something more than a popular name for a person with a big ego. Psychologists use the term narcissism to refer to a personality disorder consisting of a pattern of traits and behaviors characterized by self-focus, lack of empathy for others, obsession with self-gratification, and a number of related attitudes. The condition can be mild, moderate, or severe to the point of expressing itself in destructive and sociopathic behaviors.
The bona fide narcissist is not simply a “selfish” person as we normally understand that term. Everything he does is self-serving. He’s incapable of acknowledging personal responsibility or accountability, consistently shames and blames others for his problems, and often employs verbal or emotional abuse as a method of maintaining control in a relationship.
According to the late Dr. David Gatewood, a diagnosis of narcissism is justified when the individual in question exhibits the following four inflexible traits over a long period of time and in a wide variety of personal and social situations:
- Entitlement. The narcissist consistently expects to get without giving. He thrives on the adoration and admiration of others and will seek it out regardless of the cost to close or ongoing relationships. He believes that the world “owes him glory.”
- Image-Keeping. In the mind of a narcissist, family members, loved ones, friends, and associates are simply extensions of himself. They exist solely to keep up his grandiose self-image, and they’re expected to do so even at great cost to themselves. If they fail, the narcissist will consider them disloyal and may even find some way to “punish” them in return. He can’t stand having his image minimized or tainted in any way by others.
- Depersonalization. People close to the narcissist are usually treated in an impersonal way, like furniture or mere accessories to the narcissist’s agenda. They’re supposed to support him in everything he says or does and are never allowed to have differing viewpoints or opinions of their own. The narcissist will use denial, arrogance, charm, exaggeration, or persuasion to keep himself in a “superior” position with little or no thought about how this might negatively impact those around him. He’s usually extremely adept at making himself look good at the expense of others.
- Interpersonal Exploitation. The narcissist employs manipulation to get his own way. He can do this either by flattering others or by putting them down. From his perspective it really doesn’t matter which strategy he uses as long it achieves the goal. Blame-shifting is common. At other times he’ll highlight the weaknesses of others to keep himself in a position of power.
He may even twist the pattern by playing the part of the “weak” or “vulnerable” person himself. It’s all part of a scheme to maintain control by keeping others off balance.
For a more detailed discussion of this subject, we encourage you to take a look at our Counseling department’s information sheet “Responding to Narcissism in a Loved One.”
And if you’d like to discuss this at greater length, don’t hesitate to call our counselors for a free consultation. They’d be more than happy to talk with you about your concerns person-to-person over the phone.
Resources
Responding to Narcissism in a Loved One
Referrals
National Alliance on Mental Illness – 1-800-950-NAMI (6264)
Copyright © 2018, Focus on the Family.
3 types of narcissistic behavior
Having an addiction to food, in most cases, we create a co-dependent relationship. Codependent relationships tend to involve narcissistic people or people who have narcissistic parents.
Interestingly, there are still no studies of who is more among narcissists: men or women.
In today's world, the term "narcissist" means nothing more than a person who loves himself too much and tries to look good, but narcissism is much more complicated than this superficial concept. Narcissism comes in many shades, from extra healthy to pathological grandiosity. It is necessary to distinguish the narrow-minded concept of "narcissist" from the full-blown narcissistic personality disorder.
How the relationship will develop in a pair with Narcissus, you can determine already on the first date.
When we try to imagine a narcissist - as a rule, in our imagination there is a sociable, self-confident person, the soul of the company, who always tries to be in the spotlight. However, this is only a general collective image, despite the fact that in reality there are many varieties and manifestations of narcissistic personality disorders.
In psychotherapy, the whole variety of narcissistic personality disorders is divided into 3 main subtypes: Open (Constructive Narcissism), Closed (Deficit Narcissism) and Poisonous (Destructive Narcissism). You can find different classifications and names from different authors, and the number of subtypes distinguished can also vary. Those narcissists that I call Poisonous are constantly criticizing themselves and those around them. In general, in order to understand the difference between these three subgroups, it is enough to highlight their basic psychological need. In short, then:
- Open daffodils: want to be admired;
- Closed narcissists: emotionally dependent on a partner, his success and position in society;
- Poisonous narcissists: strive for dominance and try to morally destroy the other person.
Why do you need to know which subgroup your Narcissist belongs to?
If you plan to continue dating a person suffering from narcissistic personality disorder, you need to be clear about what awaits you and how your relationship will develop.
Already at the moment when you realize that your potential partner is somehow suffering from a narcissistic disorder, you will be able to determine what kind of person he is. If you have already studied the topic of narcissism enough, you probably noticed that the narcissist:
- Too concerned about self-esteem;
- Egocentric;
- Not able to empathize with others;
- Differs in hypersensitivity to occurring events;
- Loses self-control easily;
- Unable to adequately assess himself and others;
- Very worried about his reputation.
These characteristics make it difficult for people with narcissistic personality disorder to maintain stable friendships and romantic relationships.
Narcissistic subgroups
In view of the above, assigning an individual to one or another subgroup allows us to determine quite precisely how the relationship will develop.
It is possible that you have already met a narcissist once without realizing it.
Each of the three narcissistic subgroups has its own "scenario" for the development of relationships. The problem is that in society it is customary to consider only those who belong to the Open subgroup as narcissists. Therefore, many may not even be aware that they have some form of narcissistic personality disorder. It is possible that you have been married to a Closed Narcissist for many years without even realizing it.
When a relationship breaks out and a spouse's narcissistic disorder suddenly kicks in, people ask me, "How could my husband suddenly become a narcissist after all these years?" The answer is negative. Narcissistic personality disorder is formed in childhood and can be diagnosed already in early adulthood. You just didn't notice its manifestation until this particular moment.
Why did the narcissistic disorder suddenly manifest itself now?
Most likely, your spouse has recently experienced some kind of serious life crisis that has seriously shaken his self-esteem.
In trying to cope with this challenge, he had to step up his narcissistic "self-defense". And that, in turn, made you pay attention to his narcissistic disorder.
Throughout your relationship, your spouse may have repeatedly used similar defensive tactics and exhibited his narcissistic "features." You just didn't understand the real reason before. But once you determine what is behind it, you will finally be able to understand what was behind the many conflicts and quarrels that you have had to go through over all these long years.
Let's try to give a brief description of each of the three narcissistic subgroups and their typical relationship scenarios.
Below is a brief description of the three main types of narcissistic personality disorder, as well as the most typical first date behaviors of narcissists. The way they behave on the first date allows you to determine in advance how your future relationship will be built. This means that you can decide in advance how expedient it is to continue this relationship.
It is important to remember that on the first date, the narcissist will try to make you look better than he really is. And if already on the first date you feel uncomfortable in his company, you can be sure that in the future this feeling will only intensify.
Narcissists are quite easy to "read" by their behavior. What's more, they tend to carry the same model across all their relationships. So you can be sure that the way he behaves on the first date will be repeated again and again.
Open Narcissists
Perhaps this is the most popular subgroup. These people love to be the center of attention. They tend to dominate conversations, feel entitled to special treatment, act supremely self-confident, and love to tell stories and give advice. In case of danger, they begin to behave like "Great Almighty Critics".
Narcissists use this behavior to drown out their insecurities and low self-esteem. Instead of remaining ordinary people with their own strengths and weaknesses, they begin to convince everyone around them that they are special and that they always know best what to do in a given situation.
They also expect others to agree with their point of view, which is non-negotiable.
However, this is only a very thin protective "facade" behind which narcissists hide their experiences. This is why Open Narcissists are hyper-sensitive to all external stimuli. They lose their temper very quickly and lose their temper easily. They may show cruelty towards others due to the fact that they are not capable of empathy.
In those rare moments when they don't brag about their accomplishments or tell stories about their loved ones, they criticize and devalue anyone who disagrees with them. They may brutally taunt those within earshot: "Oh my God, she looks awfully fat in that dress!" or "I can't believe our waiter is so dumb!" They don't care about other people's reactions to their attitudes and actions. They are so blinded by their defense that they think everyone either agrees with them or thinks what they say is funny.
Example: Sergey and Elena's date.
Sergey, entrepreneur, open narcissist, asked Elena, a pretty woman whom he met on the Internet on a dating site, for a date. Here is how each of them described this date later:
Sergei: “I think I impressed her! I told her about my powerful friends, I took her to a fantastic restaurant, ordered a great dinner and chose a great wine that she had never tasted before. I can't wait for the next date. She's hot! Next time after the restaurant, we will go to my house.”
Elena: “It was a wasted evening. The date was just awful. All he did was talk about himself all evening. He didn't care at all about me. He ordered me a steak and red wine despite my protest. I don't eat red meat and was about to order a salmon steak - it looked so appetizing! I wanted to try that peach cocktail with vodka, but he insisted on red wine ... And so it went on all evening. If he even calls me or writes me one more time, I won’t even pick up the phone!”
Typical Relationship Scenario with an Open Narcissist: They are insensitive and domineering.
They expect you to admire them and agree with them on everything. Disagreement is seen as criticism and provokes a sharp negative response. They need a partner to constantly remind them that they are special, perfect, and always right about everything.
Closed Narcissists
Unlike their "brothers" from the first subgroup, closed narcissists do not like to be in the center of attention. They want to be "special", but at the same time they are very aggressive. From childhood, they are taught that those around them envy them because they are “special”. Such children often grow up with parents - Open Narcissists, who from childhood belittle the dignity of their child, because they see him as a rival. The only time a parent praised or admired such a child was when the child admired his parent. Thus, their own "megalomania" is constantly suppressed, and the child grows up deeply insecure.
Closed narcissists are uncomfortable being the center of attention and accepting compliments.
They are afraid that sooner or later they will be “punished” for this praise, and their achievements will be devalued - as their parents did in childhood. Such people often enter into unhealthy dependent relationships, religious sects, and so on. This way they feel safe.
You will never hear from them: "I'm special, you should admire me!". Rather, he will convince you of the particularity and uniqueness of his partner, hobbies, hobbies, religion.
Instead of openly demanding things, closeted narcissists sometimes try to manipulate people into getting what they want. They may play the victim and press on compassion to convince you of something. They often try to appear better than they really are.
Many people with closed narcissistic personality disorder let their more confident friends manipulate them. They hope to receive praise for their efforts and endeavors.
Example: a date between Sergei and Ekaterina.
We already know Sergey from the first example.
Now he has his first date with Ekaterina, the Closed Narcissist. Here is how they later commented on that evening:
Sergey : in general, his impressions of a date with Ekaterina are not much different from a date with Elena - we can say that he uses the same relationship scenario with all the girls. For open narcissists like Sergei, partners tend to be interchangeable as long as they perform the function he needs.
“I think I impressed her! I told her about my powerful friends, I took her to a fantastic restaurant, ordered a great dinner and chose a great wine that she had never tasted before. I can't wait for the next date. She's hot! Next time after the restaurant, we will go to my house.”
Ekaterina: “I really liked Sergey, he is amazing! I can't even believe that I can be interested in him. He's so confident! I liked that he organized everything himself and even helped me choose a dish in the restaurant. It's amazing that he guessed that I like steak and good red wine!
Being a closed narcissist, Ekaterina idealizes Sergei and praises those of his narcissistic qualities that Elena did not like so much.
In addition, Catherine does not see the true motives of Sergei. Unlike Elena, who quickly saw through the selfish Sergey, Ekaterina idealizes his imperious qualities. She confuses confidence and selfishness.
Typical Relationship Development Scenario with a Closed Narcissist: They choose as partners those who idealize their personal qualities, who do not doubt their perfection and superiority. They are very dependent on this praise and are grateful for even a small compliment and praise addressed to them. They often enter into relationships with Open Narcissists because they mistake their external "magnificence" for true self-confidence.
Poisonous Daffodils
This is perhaps the most unpleasant subgroup. It’s not enough for them just to be in the spotlight, they also need to morally destroy and suppress those around them. Among them are often sadists who love to humiliate and hurt other people. They want their partner to obey and fear them.
Some of them could well have become Open Narcissists, but at some point something went wrong .
.. Inside they harbor resentment that they could not live up to their unrealistic fantasies of limitless achievement. They are boundlessly jealous of those who have something that they would like to have themselves. Instead of building personal happiness and well-being, they do everything possible to ruin the lives of others and level their achievements.
Their venomous intentions are quite obvious when expressed openly. An example would be the head bully of the class, who constantly mocks those who are weaker than him, or the boss, who every day humiliates his subordinates in front of colleagues: “You ruined everything again! What an idiot you are! Maybe you just want to be fired and then you can sit at home and get unemployment benefits because you are too lazy to work?!”.
Poisonous daffodils can also hide their true motives quite well. You probably have some kind of aunt who constantly torments you with uncomfortable questions, putting you in an uncomfortable position in front of the whole family, for example: “Why are you so fat? At your age, your parents weren't that fat” or “You should be really ashamed that you lost your job again! How many times have you been fired? It's strange why such a bright girl like you is not able to stay in one place?
Example: Sergey and Yulia
Our old friend Sergey asked Yulia, a poisonous daffodil, for a date.
Sergei once again tried to crank out the same scheme. And this is what came out of it.
Sergey: “Let me order for you. I know you'll be delighted."
Julia : (After tasting the steak and taking a few sips of wine). “Oh, what a pity that quality beef is not served in restaurants today. But don't get upset. You are not the only one being deceived. Many people do not even suspect that they are eating a fake, simply because they have never tasted truly delicious meat in their lives! But the wine is pretty good. I understand why you chose this particular wine - compared to other wines on the menu, this is nothing ... ".
As you probably noticed, Yulia is trying in every possible way to pull over the role of leader to herself and suppress Sergey. She consistently destroys everything that can give Sergei pleasure. According to Yulia, she is a true steak and wine expert, and poor Sergey has simply never tasted truly delicious meat and wine.
She does her best to belittle Sergei.
Typical Relationship Development Scenario with a Poisonous Narcissist : Their main goal is to assert themselves against your background, to make you feel inferior and inadequate. Living with them is sheer humiliation. You can never please them. They will never praise you. Your self-confidence with which you entered into a relationship with them is likely to be destroyed and replaced by self-doubt.
Devaluation and Narcissistic Personality Disorder
All narcissists devalue other people in one way or another in order to maintain the illusion of their own uniqueness. They may say terrible things to you that will make you believe you are worthless. The only thing that distinguishes the three types of narcissists is the object of their humiliation.
Open narcissists : will openly belittle other people from whom they cannot get admiration, or who suddenly decide to criticize them.
However, they are unlikely to attack those who are undeniably superior to them in status or achievement - only on their equals and those who, in their opinion, are clearly inferior to them in greatness.
Because of this feature, some mistakenly confuse Open Daffodils with Poisonous Daffodils. As you can see from the examples above, Open Narcissist Sergey tried in every possible way to earn admiration, while Yulia, Poisonous Narcissist, immediately began to belittle Sergey.
Closed Narcissists : Poisonous narcissists are more likely to criticize themselves than those around them. They constantly apologize. If they criticize other people, it is usually behind their backs or in the form of sarcastic statements about them. They are more openly envious than publicly insulting or attacking others.
Poisonous daffodils: Poisonous daffodils love to confuse people. They also love to confuse people. They often begin communication by belittling the dignity of their interlocutor, putting him in an awkward position - the example of Yulia and Sergey.
They can do it both explicitly and covertly. Unlike Open Narcissists, who at first try their best to impress their interlocutor with their greatness and resort to criticism only when they fail to get the desired admiration, poisonous narcissists immediately use their favorite weapon. They would rather be feared than admired.
Conclusion
As you can see from the examples above, there are different kinds of daffodils. People with narcissistic personality disorder can be divided into three general subgroups: open, closed, and toxic narcissists, based on how they deal with a major problem in the narcissist's life: What can I do to restore my shattered self-esteem?
All narcissists use other people to restore their self-esteem. If you are thinking about entering into a relationship with a narcissist (or are already in a relationship with him), it will be useful for you to determine which subgroup your partner belongs to. So you can better understand what role he assigns to you in your relationship, and what you can expect from him in the future.
Depending on your personality and beliefs, you may be quite comfortable with one type of narcissist, while another type can literally drive you crazy.
Know that it is never too late to change your life and relationships! It is possible to create a healthy, fulfilling, happy relationship with a man. Often this requires therapeutic work. The specialists of our Clinic have all the practical tools for the treatment of co-dependent relationships, especially with narcissistic types of people.
Male and female narcissism: different patterns of behavior
Is narcissism a behavior disorder or a norm? A family therapist can help you figure it out.
Narcissism has an inexplicable attraction. Rather, only at first glance inexplicable. In fact, the behavior of narcissists fits into a very simple logic.
See also: Positive psychology: how to be happy in the modern world?
Moreover, this logic has significant gender differences.
Family therapist Christian Hemschemeyer talks about these differences.
Charm and charisma
Narcissists often charm those around them. Their charismatic nature has a magnetic effect. But only for the time being.
Sooner or later, the beautiful facade collapses and we see their true nature. Moreover, this nature is different for men and women.
Narcissistic behavior itself is very strongly associated with the corresponding gender polarity. It is based on this polarity, taking into account the smallest details inherent in gender.
This is what makes the narcissist even more attractive to the opposite sex.
Diagnosis or normal?
In the past, and to some extent today, male and female narcissism was often associated with different diagnoses.
The men were diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. And in women - hysteria, or the so-called "border states".
In the new ICD 11 (International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems), these diagnoses are finally clarified.
And many terms are omitted or described in more detail.
As a result, some conditions retained the nature of the diagnosis, and some finally acquired the character of the norm.
Who are narcissistic men?
So let's put other diagnoses aside and take a closer look at narcissistic behavior. The gender differences of narcissists are especially interesting.
Men with narcissistic behavior are often outspoken, assertive, aggressive, charming and "active".
This behavior is too often associated with masculine polar characteristics and evokes a certain charm. At least for the time being.
Sooner or later narcissists discover their very cold and dark side. It quickly becomes clear that good qualities are a kind of mask or cold calculation. For the sole purpose of obtaining confirmation of one's own qualities.
How does a female narcissist work?
Narcissistic women behave quite differently. First of all, there is a constant drive to convince the narcissist woman that she wants to be "saved.
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At the same time, she herself usually creates situations and dramas in which it is impossible to escape.
There are also aspects here that are usually perceived as typically feminine: strong emotionality, empathy and caring. In other words, a smoke screen of positive qualities, set up to inspire trust and the desire to "help" and "save".
They believe and save. Until, of course, the mask falls off here too. Narcissism always tends to end.
No matter how long the rope winds...
The most interesting thing in the behavior of narcissists of both sexes is the moment of denouement. When the masks are thrown off, and the true face of the narcissist is revealed in all its glory.
When a narcissistic man decompensates, that is, his behavioral pattern stops working, he is prone to instability. That is, a borderline state, when the psyche is trying to find a new balance.
Here, self-preservation often takes precedence over emotions, and the narcissist leaves to "lick his wounds.
