Improving sex in marriage

Learn 10 Ways to Rekindle the Passion in Your Marriage

A good sexual relationship is built on emotional intimacy and closeness.

Rekindle passion in your marriage. Jason and Kendra have been married for 12 years and have three children. Most of their conversations are about work, chores, their kid’s activities, and mundane aspects of their stale marriage.

Kendra puts it like this: “I love Jason, but the passion just isn’t there anymore.”

When Kendra drops this bombshell, Jason responds, “I thought we were doing okay, I really did. Even though we don’t have sex much anymore, it just seems like a phase we’re going through. I don’t have any energy left by the time I hit the bed at night.”

By all accounts, Kendra and Jason were passionate during the early years of their marriage. However, over the last few years, their sex life has dwindled and they rarely spend time together without their children. Kendra seeks out Jason for sexual intimacy and Jason often pulls away.

According to experts, the most common reason couples lose their passion for each other and stop being sexually intimate is a pursuer-distancer pattern that develops over time. Dr. Sue Johnson identifies the pattern of demand-withdraw as the “Protest Polka” and says it is one of three “Demon Dialogues.” She explains that when one partner becomes critical and aggressive, the other often becomes defensive and distant.

Dr. John Gottman’s research on thousands of couples discovered partners that get stuck in this pattern in the first few years of marriage have more than an 80% chance of divorcing in the first four to five years.

Foster Emotional Intimacy

A good sexual relationship is built on emotional intimacy and closeness. In other words, if you’re hoping to improve your physical relationship, you need to first work on your emotional connection. Focus on meeting your partner’s needs and communicating your own needs in a loving, respectful way.

In The Science of Trust, Dr. Gottman explains that couples who want to rekindle their passion and love need to turn towards each other. Practicing emotional attunement can help you stay connected even when you disagree. This means turning toward one another by showing empathy, instead of being defensive. Both partners need to talk about their feelings in terms of positive need, instead of what they do not need.

According to Dr. Gottman, expressing a positive need is a recipe for success for both the listener and the speaker because it conveys complaints and requests without criticism and blame. Dr. Gottman says, “This requires a mental transformation from what is wrong with one’s partner to what one’s partner can do that would work. The speaker is really saying, ‘Here’s what I feel, and what I need from you.’”

Rekindle Sexual Chemistry

During the early phase of marriage, many couples barely come up for air due to the excitement of falling in love. Unfortunately, this blissful state doesn’t last forever. Scientists have discovered that oxytocin (a bonding hormone) released during the initial stage of infatuation causes couples to feel euphoric and turned on by physical touch. It actually works like a drug, giving us immediate rewards that bind us to our lover.

Holding hands, hugs, and tender touch are great ways to affirm your love for your partner. Physical affection sets the stage for sexual touch that is focused on pleasure. Sex therapist and educator Dr. Micheal Stysma recommends that you set a goal of doubling the length of time you kiss, hug, and use sensual touch if you want to improve your marriage.

Sexual attraction is hard to maintain over time. For instance, Kendra and Jason lack passion because they are unwilling to give up control and show vulnerability. As a result, they avoid sex and rarely touch each other. Sex therapist Laurie Watson says, “Most sexual concerns stem from an interpersonal struggle in the marriage. ”

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Here are 10 tips to bring back the passion in your marriage:

1. Change your pattern of initiating sex

Maybe you are denying your partner or coming on too strong. Avoid criticizing each other and stop the “blame game. ” Mix things up to end the power struggle. For example, distancers may want to practice initiating sex more often and pursuers try to find ways to tell their partner “you’re sexy,” in subtle ways while avoiding critique and demands for closeness.

2. Hold hands more often

According to author Dr. Kory Floyd, holding hands, hugging, and touching can release oxytocin causing a calming sensation. Studies show it’s also released during sexual orgasm. Additionally, physical affection reduces stress hormones – lowering daily levels of the stress hormone cortisol.

3. Allow tension to build

Our brains experience more pleasure when the anticipation of the reward goes on for some time before we receive it. So take your time during foreplay, share fantasies, change locations, and make sex more romantic.

4. Separate sexual intimacy from routine

Plan intimacy time and avoid talking about relationship problems and household chores in the bedroom. Sexual arousal plummets when we’re distracted and stressed.

5. Carve out time to spend with your partner

Try a variety of activities that bring you both pleasure. Have fun courting and practice flirting as a way to ignite sexual desire and intimacy. Dr. Gottman says that “everything positive you do in your relationship is foreplay.”

6. Focus on affectionate touch

Offer to give your partner a back or shoulder rub. People associate foreplay with sexual intercourse, but affectionate touch is a powerful way to demonstrate and rekindle passion even if you are not a touchy-feely person.

7. Practice being more emotionally vulnerable during sex

Share your innermost wishes, fantasies, and desires with your partner. If you fear emotional intimacy, consider engaging in individual or couple’s therapy.

8. Maintain a sense of curiosity about sexual intimacy

Experiment with new ways to bring pleasure to each other. Look at sex as an opportunity to get to know your partner better over time.

9. Vary the kind of sex you have

Have gentle, loving-tender, intimate, and highly erotic sex. Break up the routine and try new things as sexual needs change.

10. Make sex a priority

Set the mood for intimacy before TV or work dulls your passion. A light meal along with your favorite music and wine can set the stage for great sex.

Even if you are not a touchy-feely person, increasing physical affection and emotional attunement can help you to sustain a deep, meaningful bond.

The good news is that allowing your partner to influence you can reignite the spark you once enjoyed. In fact, Dr. Gottman reminds us that friendship is the glue that can hold a marriage together:

“Couples who know each other intimately [and] are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams are couples who make it.”

For more ideas on how to rekindle the passion in your relationship, subscribe to The Gottman Relationship Blog below:

Terry Gaspard, MSW, LICSW

Terry Gaspard MSW, LICSW is a licensed therapist and author. ="wpforms-"]

Keep the Spark Alive in Your Marriage

Staying up late scrolling social media to avoid intimacy with your partner or, worse, pretending to be asleep, isn’t good for your marriage. But if you find yourself avoiding sex, you’re not alone: Approximately one woman in 10 experiences a decrease in her sex drive at some point in her life.

“That dip can happen for a number of reasons, including the natural progression of your relationship over time,” says Chris Kraft, Ph.D., director of clinical services at the Sex and Gender Clinic in the department of psychiatry at Johns Hopkins Medicine. “But you shouldn’t give up on having a great sex life once you’re married. Intimacy is key to having a healthy, functional and overall happy relationship.”

Stages of Intimacy

Intimacy tends to follow a pattern as a relationship evolves. Couples newly in love typically experience feelings of closeness and excitement and have regular sex, says Kraft.

That’s followed by the stage in which many couples start a family. Having children significantly changes a couple’s intimacy. “It’s natural for a couple’s sex life to decline after having a baby because of the exhaustion and lack of private time,” says Kraft. “But many couples’ sex lives don’t recover after they get out of the baby zone. Priorities shift to raising kids and juggling careers and household responsibilities.”

Even if you don’t have children, the newness of the relationship wears off after three or four years together. Typically, this is when sex becomes more routine. “Intimacy breaks down at this stage because couples don’t talk about their sex life,” Kraft says. “And, couples aren’t as intentional about connecting with each other as they were earlier in the relationship.”

Sexual Roadblocks

Besides the maturation of a relationship, other factors can lead to less intimacy, too. Career and family pressures can eat up your time and zap your energy. Relational hurts or resentments can develop over time. One of the most common? Feeling overwhelmed and resentful that your partner isn’t helping out as much as you would like.

That’s when having a heart-to-heart can help. “Sit your partner down and say, ‘Look, this is what it’s like to be a woman with these kids in my life right now and with my career. Do you get it? Can you support and help me?” recommends Kraft. “You really need to talk about it because the resentment that builds up around feelings of inequality is one of the biggest killers of intimacy and sexuality.”

In addition to discussing relationship concerns, it’s essential to have conversations about your sex life, too, even if it’s difficult or awkward at first. Just start the conversation by asking questions like:

What are some sexual activities we’ve done that you really enjoyed?
What are some things you’d like to try?
Is there anything you’d like to do more or less of?
How connected with me are you feeling lately?

Increase Intimacy

It’s important to pay attention to how you and your partner are relating to one another in and out of the bedroom. If your marriage is solid and it’s just your intimate life that’s lacking, Kraft has these tips to help you keep sex in your relationship.

Identify Your Needs

Identify what makes you feel like having sex. Unlike men — who are easily aroused — women’s desire is a more gradual process. “In general, women’s desire starts with some type of connection to their own sexuality or their partner. Most women often need to be relaxed, not worried about their to-do list, and feeling a connection to their partner in order to set the stage for sexual intimacy,” says Kraft.

To get in the mood, think about what makes you feel relaxed and sensual. Maybe it’s kissing or touching or talking intimately with your partner. It could be a glass of wine, a nice dinner or laughing together. Once you’ve pinpointed what makes you feel ready for sexual closeness, share that information with your spouse so you can work together to make those things happen.

Make an Effort

“Too often, women say ‘I’m a little tired,’ ‘I need to shower,’ or ‘It’s not a good time. ’ But the couples who make an effort to have sex on a regular basis — even if it’s not the perfect scenario — have more satisfying sex lives,” says Kraft. If your partner initiates a sexual encounter, try going along with it to see where it leads you. “Many women report feeling arousal after the intimacy is initiated,” he adds. Of course, if it doesn’t get you in the mood, you should always feel entitled to stop.

Schedule a Date Night

It’s easy to put sex on the back burner when you’re in a nonstop stage of life. But the only way you’re going to maintain an intimate connection with your partner is by making it a priority. “Couples who schedule time to connect with each other have healthier, happier relationships,” says Kraft. “It doesn’t have to result in sex every time. It’s more about making time to have fun together.”

Get a babysitter and schedule a date night, or just put the kids to bed early so you can have some alone time. Take a break from your crazy work schedule to meet each other for lunch, or step away from your home renovation project and stay overnight at a hotel. Figure out ways you can make time for each other.

Feel Sexy

There’s no doubt that feeling sexy can boost your libido. So it’s important that you spend time doing the things that make you feel sensual, whether that’s wearing provocative outfits or lingerie, reading romance novels or erotica, or getting bendy at yoga class. The point is to focus on your needs.

Take Charge

Don’t wait for your partner to initiate sex or follow his sexual steps. Take the lead in how your sexual encounters unfold. Come in with what feels good for you, even if it’s not intercourse that night. It’s important to feel in control of your sex life and to have a voice in the relationship’s intimacy.

Redefine Intimacy

“People often think sex has to be a big production with intercourse and orgasms. When in reality, what’s most important to couples, especially to many women, is to connect and be intimate. Being intimate can be as simple as talking and cuddling or affectionately touching,” suggests Kraft.

Ask your partner to focus on “outercourse”: touching, massaging, kissing and cuddling. And, discuss the possibility of having these types of sessions without feeling obligated to have intercourse.

“The main thing is to make having an intimate connection with your partner a priority,” says Kraft. “Think about what makes you feel close and what you enjoy sexually. And then ask yourself how you can create that with your partner.”

How to improve your sex life: advice from sexologists

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What should be the ideal intimate life? Everyone will have their own answer, but the main thing is that it is important to discuss this with a partner, and not let it take its course. If after a while the fire of desire burns with a less bright flame, as it seems to you, you need to prevent it from dying out. Otherwise, you run the risk of remaining good friends occupying the same living space. You can improve the quality of your sex life if you change your attitude towards it. Here's what sexologists think about it.

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When a chill runs between partners, and intimacy becomes less and less, thoughts about the presence of a serious problem come to mind. Women begin to engage in soul-searching, and men sit longer at the TV and fall asleep alone on the couch. There are times when one of you really has health problems, at work, and so on. Then you may need the help of a specialist and a manifestation of sensitivity from the second half.

But in most cases, stimulants and serious drugs are not needed. The matter turns out to be a misunderstanding of the partner’s mood and a loss of interest in him. And the less sex becomes in your life together, the more you get used to doing without it and stop experiencing strong attraction. We offer you to try life hacks, how you can save the day.

Create a wish list

Who said that an organized intimate life is boring and monotonous? And the sex planned on Wednesdays and Saturdays completely kills the effect of surprise and lust? We suggest trying a non-obvious way to improve your sex life - to streamline your preferences a little. Make a list of your Wishlist and return to it at any time to choose something interesting.

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Any fantasies, interests, unusual positions for couples who have been together for a long time can be included there. For example, sex in the pool, all the poses from the Kama Sutra, etc. And plan to complete a few items for the next month. Of course, this does not mean to delete the very principle of spontaneity from your union. Rather, add spontaneous lovemaking to your sheet in red, without indicating dates and days of the week.

The point is that not everyone likes surprises in this regard. It is pleasant and useful for girls (and even men) to prepare for an erotic date, wait for it to come and tune in to the right wave. Let sex be included in the list of important things, then it will definitely not shift to the backyard and remain among the priorities.

Explore the topic

It's always good to learn more about your body and new sexual practices. Knowledge about how to improve your sex life in marriage can be gleaned from the Internet and real sex courses. It would be a desire, it is quite easy to implement.

Intimate intercourse is not just a couple of kisses and changing a few positions. These are touches, caresses and contact, in which all the senses and even more are involved. Massage, role-playing, changing locations and toys - all this can diversify and decorate your relationship.

Take care of yourself sexually

It's not just about seeking orgasm or improving self-pleasure skills, but also about hygiene and health of the "lower floor". You can improve your sex life, both in relationships with a man and in solo performance, by pumping intimate muscles.

Kegel exercises increase the quality of sex and libido in general. Your crotch tricks that you learn will be able to drive a guy crazy. You can start training by squeezing the muscles for 10 seconds, relaxing and repeating up to ten times.

Do not judge anyone

A figure or a way of life is not a reason for condemnation, much less for expressing an opinion out loud. Judgment has a bad effect on your own self-esteem. If it seems to you that a friend changes men too often, remember that this is her own business. And don't let her be your adviser on how to improve your sex life with your husband. Yes, she can share experience and opinion, but it is not necessary to follow it.

No matter what stories you are told about mind-blowing orgasms or sexual empowerment, things may be different for you. And this is absolutely normal. Get high from your relationship, not from someone else's.

Take a break from the screen

Many people have time to scroll through social networks and even respond to comments right during intercourse! Even if a man frantically searches at this moment for an answer to the question of how to improve his sex life with his wife, this does not justify him.

And if you yourself took up watching the tape of events, then something in your bed is definitely going wrong. Think about how much of the pleasure you deprive yourself of by distracting from the process. It is a mistake to think that only a man should try and light. The response of each of the partners is important and must be demonstrated.

By the way, gadgets are often a much deeper root of evil than it seems at first glance. For some reason, they always have the strength to look at the phone until midnight, but not at intimacy.

Meanwhile, our sex drive is supported by the hormone testosterone, which is produced during sleep. Regular lack of sleep results in chronic fatigue. Having reached his beloved bed, he obviously does not feel like making love, he just wants to pass out without his hind legs. There is no place for phones in the bedroom.

Talk to him about sex

It's very important to understand what each of you wants in bed. It will not work to improve intimate life otherwise than to discuss this moment. Maximum revelation and openness is in your own interests with your partner.

This way you will get much more out of the same movements. The main thing is not to make fun of his fantasies and suggestions and don't let them make fun of your own. Even if they look ridiculous or stupid, how do you know how it will affect you until you try it.

Remove everything from the bedroom

Sometimes a messy bedroom is the reason you don't really want to spend time there. Again and again looking at a pile of things, you begin to self-flagellate that there was not enough time to clean up. This only makes the mood worse. So, it's time to take everything apart, preferably quickly and together. And create a favorable environment.

You can buy new bed linen and curtains, light candles, drink wine (just a little to liberate yourself), turn on pleasant music - whatever your fantasy tells you.

Light BDSM positions

Maybe today she will whisper to you to slowly undress in front of him to a romantic tune, and tomorrow surprise him with an unusual foreplay when power passes into your hands.

Spend more time together

You can improve the quality of your sex life with the help of a kind and caring attitude towards each other. You can have dinner not at different ends of the table, but nearby. And cook simple meals together before that, since you both returned from work. Watching the series is better in an embrace. The more often you touch, the more you will want sex, especially if you have been together for a long time and the ardor has faded a little.

How to diversify sex: 19 easy ways

September 17, 2021 Likbez Sex

Small changes can add passion to a relationship.

1. Engage in sexting

Sexting, or frank correspondence with the exchange of erotic photographs, serves as an excellent prelude, slowly warming up mutual sexual interest. They can be practiced even while sitting in neighboring rooms or lying next to you on the couch. Have you ever done this? All the better. Its time to begin.

2. Change your surroundings

You don't even have to go anywhere or spend money on hotel apartments. You are surrounded by places for sex. In such quantity that it is easier to list the locations where it is dangerous or prohibited by law (a playground, a kindergarten, a cemetery).

Diversity begins already outside the bedroom - on the kitchen table, in the shower or even on the wide windowsill. Only in a fit of passion, try not to forget about safety so that your experiment does not end in a fall.

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3.

Take a look at the sex shop together

Perhaps you were embarrassed to do it alone. But the two of you can break away! After a detailed study of the range and shopping, it is important not to stop. And use all sex toys and other purchases for their intended purpose, even if not in one evening.

4. Choose a different time

A scene from the film "Love and other drugs"

Sex is associated primarily with the evening and night. But by this time, many feel tired, especially after a hard day's work. But in the morning, after a sound sleep, sex can bring much more pleasure and benefit. It is believed that morning sex makes you more productive, improves immunity and is quite capable of replacing exercise.

5. Add an adrenaline rush

Many people are annoyed by movie scenes in which the characters have sex in a moment of danger instead of running as fast as they can. Neither the eruption of the volcano, nor the invasion of zombies, nor the shootout of drug dealers can prevent the lovers from merging in ecstasy.

And this is not just an invention of crazy screenwriters! The risk is really exciting. We are by no means encouraging you to chase an orgasm in a car that is speeding at 100 km per hour. It is easy to raise the level of adrenaline even at home if there is a danger that guests or relatives can catch you.

6. Invest in underwear

Shot from the movie "Mr. and Mrs. Smith"

Trying on and buying underwear in itself sets you on the right wave. You can do it together. Another option is to arrange a surprise with a light striptease and a presentation of new clothes.

7. Create a romantic atmosphere

Regular healthy sex between dinner and bedtime quickly becomes a routine. At least sometimes create a feeling of celebration around the “physiological need”. A romantic dinner, candles, a slow dance - all this still works, albeit as old as the world.

8. Watch an erotic movie

First, you can learn something new. Secondly, beautiful erotic scenes awaken a sleeping desire. However, not all of them are worth repeating.

9. Share your fantasies

Erotic fantasies push the boundaries of what you've allowed yourself in the bedroom before. People dream of all sorts of unexpected things, from sensual heel massages to foursomes on the beach.

Frank talk about secret desires helps to get to know each other better and acts as an aphrodisiac. Moreover, it is not necessary to put everything said into practice. Especially when it comes to something unacceptable for a partner.

10. Play role-playing games

A shot from the film "Formula of Water"

Role-playing games allow you to realize obsessive sexual fantasies without cheating and subsequent divorce with the division of property. However, not always and not everyone manages to convincingly enter the image. Therefore, treat what is happening with a sense of humor. If it doesn't work out, then at least have some fun.

For example, imagine that you don't know each other. Flirt and seduce each other like you met for the first time. And you don't know if you'll see me again after a night of passion. This version of the role-playing game does not even require dressing up. Enough to turn on the imagination.

11. Make an erotic massage

Erotic massage allows you to discover new "hot spots" on the partner's studied body. Wake up the researcher in yourself, and there the passion will wake up.

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12. Try different touches

There are many ways to diversify tactile sensations - both during foreplay and directly in the process of sexual intercourse. For example, you can easily stroke each other with feathers or excite receptors with ice cubes.

13. Blindfold

Still from the movie "50 Shades of Grey"

When you can't see anything, your other senses are heightened to compensate for your blindness. The bandage around the eyes will make the skin especially sensitive to touch. And the unknown will add adrenaline and increase excitement.

14. Add music

Music will set the right wave and set the rhythm to your movements. You can make a sexy playlist together or use one of Lifehacker's options.

15. Feel free to make sounds

It is perfectly normal to sigh, moan and scream during sex. Do not keep "sounds of passion" in you. Few turn you on more than realizing that your partner is losing control with pleasure.

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Sounds of sex: why do people moan, scream and growl in bed

16. Do not forget about smells

Many smells pleasantly excite the olfactory receptors and thus add a touch of novelty to sexual sensations. The top fragrances with an aphrodisiac effect are sage, lavender, sandalwood, ylang-ylang, ginseng. But you can choose something of your own.

The source is perfume, candles or oils. The main thing is not to mix too many smells, so as not to get a headache.

17. Experiment with poses

Frame from the film "Shame"

Even slightly changing the angle of penetration, you can achieve an unexpected and striking result. Do not be lazy to try different positions or experiment with familiar ones using pillows and sex toys. This is an almost inexhaustible field for discoveries and pleasures.

18. Master tantric sex

Yes, it requires preparation. You need to tune in to tantric sex and dedicate a leisurely day off to it. So, you will have something to dream about all week before and remember after.

19. Enter taboos (and break them)

One of the proven methods to regain passion is to introduce a temporary taboo on routine activities. For example, cross out the missionary position for a month. Or agree that in the next 10 days only kisses are available to you, and it is absolutely impossible to switch to sex. The very fact of the ban, as you know, has an exciting effect. Chances are you won't last that long.

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