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Living with a narcissistic man


How to Live With a Narcissist Husband? 15 Signs and Ways to Deal

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It’s no secret that narcissism can make relationships challenging. You’ve probably heard someone complain about life with a narcissistic husband. They may talk about cheating, self-centeredness, or other behaviors that just make life difficult to manage. 

Whether you’re looking for advice for yourself or helping a friend, there are strategies you can use when dealing with a narcissist husband. Here, learn how to live with a narcissist husband and still enjoy life. 

Who is a narcissistic husband?

People sometimes use the term narcissist to refer to someone who is selfish and doesn’t think of their partner’s feelings within a relationship. 

While this may seem like a casual term that people use to describe someone with narcissistic traits, the reality is that narcissism is actually a diagnosable condition, listed as narcissistic personality disorder in the DSM-5, which is the tool that mental health professionals use when making diagnoses.  

Sometimes, someone with narcissistic husband traits may not truly have the disorder and will only show some narcissistic tendencies. On the other hand, some individuals who deal with a husband who puts you down and shows other upsetting behaviors are actually living with someone who has narcissistic personality disorder. 

Some symptoms of this disorder are as follows:

  • Believing oneself to be superior to others
  • Only wanting to associate with other people who are perceived as highly successful, attractive, or special
  • Expecting favorable treatment
  • Taking advantage of others to get own needs or wants met
  • Being unable to empathize with other people
  • Wanting constant admiration 
  • Behaving haughtily and arrogantly.

In summary, the answer to the question, “What is a narcissistic husband?” is that a spouse shows some or many of the signs above.  

Narcissism can exist as a spectrum, so if you are dealing with a narcissist husband, he may show just a few of the signs above or show enough of these signs to meet the criteria for a diagnosable personality disorder. 

While narcissists come across as incredibly arrogant, self-important, and confident, underlying their self-assured exterior is deep insecurity and fragile ego, which often has roots in childhood trauma, abuse, or rejection from parents. 

Related Reading: What Is a Narcissistic Personality & How to Identify Them

6 effects of life with a narcissistic husband

It probably goes unsaid that having a spouse who demands excessive admiration and is willing to take advantage of others can be difficult, so you can expect some negative effects if you learn how to handle a narcissistic husband. 

1. Reduced relationship satisfaction 

Life with a narcissistic husband isn’t easy, and narcissism can make your relationship less satisfying. Research shows that narcissism is linked to psychological aggression in relationships, which, in turn, reduces relationship satisfaction.

You’re likely to find that psychological tactics like manipulation reduce your happiness within the relationship. 

2. High amounts of conflict

Every couple has arguments from time to time, but you’re likely to experience frequent conflict if you have a narcissistic husband. In some cases, you may have arguments on an almost daily basis. 

These arguments arise because a narcissist is extremely sensitive to any perceived slights. They will take offense if you fail to give them the attention and admiration they feel they deserve. 

3. Social isolation 

If you have a narcissistic husband, it is not unusual to feel lonely. This is because narcissists tend to isolate their partners from others. Not only do they want all of their partner’s time and attention, but narcissists also must cut their partners off from others, who may become aware of the abusive relationship and try to persuade the victim to leave the relationship.  

4. Deteriorating mental health 

Research has shown that women in long-term relationships with narcissistic partners tend to live in fear, and they lose their sense of independence. This can understandably harm mental health. 

After being subjected to a relationship in which their feelings are not validated and expected to meet all of their partner’s demands, women married to a narcissistic husband are likely to have poor mental health. 

They may even begin to show signs of a mental health condition like depression, anxiety, or post-traumatic stress disorder. 

5. Financial problems

Keep in mind that one of the signs of narcissistic personality disorder is a willingness to exploit others for personal gain. Coupled with the fact that narcissists have difficulty empathizing with other people, they are willing to benefit others financially. 

Watch this video to know more.

This means that your narcissistic husband will have no qualms about running up large credit card bills, overspending, or living off of your income. You may find that your credit score lowers, or you end up in deep debt, trying to satisfy his needs. 

6. Reduced self-esteem

Another one of the side effects of being married to a narcissist is decreased self-esteem. One recent study with partners and loved ones of narcissists found that put-downs were common. 

Study participants described instances of the narcissist telling them they were worthless or calling other people idiots or morons. Over time, these frequent instances of verbal abuse can eat away at the partner’s self-esteem. 

Related Reading: What Is a Narcissistic Personality & How to Identify Them

How a narcissistic husband treats his wife or partner

So, how does a narcissistic husband treat his spouse? Often, relationships with a narcissist are cyclical. At the start of the relationship, the narcissist will shower their partner with love and affection. 

The narcissist may tell their partner that they are soul mates, want to spend all of their time with them, and be incredibly verbally and physically affectionate.

As the relationship progresses and the partner becomes comfortable, the narcissistic husband is likely to change his tune. He will engage in a process called “devaluing.”

There may be an argument, or the spouse does something, albeit minor, to let the narcissist down, and they no longer see her as their perfect partner. As this occurs, they will begin to treat the partner poorly. 

If you’re living with a narcissistic husband, you can expect that he will treat you poorly, to the point of being emotionally or psychologically abusive. After outbursts of rage or episodes of verbal abuse, he may return to briefly showering you with attention and affection as he did in the initial stages. Still, the relationship will become a rollercoaster of ups and downs.  

Based upon research with loved ones of people with narcissism, you can expect some of the following treatment if you’re trying to figure out how to live with a narcissist husband:

  • Being attacked if you try to offer any advice or constructive criticism to your husband
  • Setting your husband off into a fit of rage with little warning
  • Being made to feel as if you need to “walk on eggshells” to avoid upsetting your husband
  • Your husband seeming cold and emotionally distant, even during sex
  • Frequent verbal insults from your husband
  • Being subjected to episodes of rage, during which your husband may scream and yell, break objects, or physically strike you 
  • Your husband criticizes you for failing to live up to his high standards (appearance, housekeeping abilities, etc.)
  • Vindictive behavior from your husband if you cross him, disagree with him, or fail to meet his demands 

15 signs of a narcissistic husband

Now that you’ve learned the answer to “What is a narcissistic husband?” you may be interested in some of the signs that you are living with a narcissist.  

Consider the 15 narcissistic husband signs below, which may just confirm your suspicions that your spouse is narcissistic. 

1. Little to no empathy 

Narcissists are so fixated on their own needs and feelings that they often do not empathize with others. This means that when you’re married to a narcissistic husband, he will often disregard your feelings. He may insult you, inconvenience you, or engage in selfish behavior, with no concern for how it negatively affects you. 

Related Reading: 10 Ways on How to Cope With Lacking Empathy in Relationships

2. Lack of remorse

Given the fact that narcissists struggle to demonstrate empathy for other people, they also tend to lack remorse. They will show no signs of guilt when they hurt you, and they are unlikely to apologize. 

In the narcissist’s world, you are deserving of any hurtful or abusive treatment they send your way. 

3. Blaming others

Because of their fragile self-esteem, narcissistic husbands are unlikely to admit any wrongdoing. If they do, they’ll probably blame you for your poor behavior. 

For instance, if your narcissistic husband has an affair, he will likely blame you and say that you drove him to do it because of some flaw that you possess. 

4. Extreme overreaction to criticism 

No one likes to hear that they’ve done something wrong or somehow failed to meet expectations, but narcissists cannot handle any sort of negative feedback. 

If you make even the slightest suggestion that your narcissistic husband does something differently, he will become enraged. He may begin verbally insulting you or go so far as to break objects in the house if you offer any sort of constructive criticism. 

5. Frequent bragging

People who score high in narcissism expect special treatment, and they want to be recognized as superior for their accomplishments, even if they have not truly earned such recognition. 

Narcissists are also likely to brag about their achievements to get the recognition they feel they deserve. If your husband brags about his accomplishments and sometimes goes so far as to exaggerate his superiority, he is showing signs of a narcissistic husband. 

Related Reading: 5 Relationship Expectations That Are Harmful for Couples

6. Constantly talking about himself

In addition to bragging, narcissists tend to talk about themselves. Your husband may dominate conversations, give you minimal opportunity to talk or shift the topic of conversation back to himself if you attempt to discuss something else. 

You may even notice that when the two of you sit down to dinner together, he spends the entire time talking about his day and doesn’t bother to ask how yours went. 

7. Fixation on outward appearances

Narcissists want the best of everything, so they will put a great deal of time and effort into their physical appearance. This means spending hours at the gym, purchasing costly colognes and cosmetic products, and insisting on having the most expensive clothing.  

Since your husband puts so much effort into his appearance and only wants to associate with other people he deems to be special, he will likely expect you to look your best at all times as well. He may insist that you go on diets, require you to get your hair done, or even suggest that you get plastic surgery to maintain your outward beauty. 

Related Reading: 8 Tips on How to Deal With Physical Insecurities In A Relationship

1. Extreme jealousy

Narcissists want to be the center of attention, so they can easily become jealous of those who steal the limelight. A narcissistic husband may appear jealous of people who are successful, which results in him putting others down or undermining their achievements. 

He may even be jealous of you, and if you accomplish something significant, he will tell you that he’s “not impressed” or that it’s “not a big deal.” 

Related Reading: 15 Signs of Jealousy in a Relationship

2. Manipulating with charm 

When a narcissistic spouse wants to get his way, he will have no trouble turning on the charm to sway you. He may be overly friendly or shower you with compliments when he wants something. 

For example, if he wants to get you to agree to a big purchase, like a new car or a fancy piece of furniture for the house, he may be overly helpful and complimentary for a few days.

He may even promise that he’s going to get a promotion at work or take on some overtime to compensate for a big purchase, but fail to follow through on the promise after you’ve agreed to give him what he wants. 

Related Reading: How to Recognize and Handle Manipulation in Relationships

3. There are no boundaries

Even close, committed relationships like marriage require healthy boundaries, but if you’ve been dealing with a narcissist, you’ll notice that there are no boundaries. You will feel as if you have no privacy, and you may even begin to feel that your time is not your own.  

Your husband won’t care about your need to have space to pursue your own interests, and he may even begin to interfere with your work or friendships, because he is so demanding of your time. 

4. He’s easily offended

A narcissist expects much of your time and attention and wants you to shower him with affection and praise. If you fail to give him the attention he feels he needs, a narcissistic husband will become offended and will likely punish you in return. 

Even if you’re busy taking care of important duties, such as caring for your children, cleaning the house, or working, if your partner feels you haven’t given him enough attention, he may sulk, have a temper tantrum, or give you the silent treatment.

5. Manipulative behavior 

To maintain control over their spouses and get what they want from them, narcissists often have to engage in manipulative behavior. This may involve telling you that you are crazy and to blame for all problems in the relationship or convincing you that you are too sensitive.  

Regardless of the exact tactic used, if you’re trying to figure out how to survive a narcissistic husband, you’ve probably been manipulated to believe that you are the problem in the relationship. 

6. Lack of emotional intimacy 

Narcissists lack emotional warmth and intimacy, even in romantic relationships, because they view relationships as very transactional. At its core, your relationship with a narcissistic husband is about what you can provide for him. 

The relationship is likely to feel very surface level because it’s just a business transaction for him. The narcissistic husband gets an attractive spouse, a satisfying sex life, and someone to provide for his needs (food, a place to live, financial security), and he isn’t interested in anything deeper than this. 

Related Reading: Key Tips to Deal With Lack of Emotional Intimacy in a Marriage

7. Gaslighting 

Gaslighting is a common behavior among people with narcissistic traits. It involves denying your version of reality to get you to question your own judgment. For instance, your narcissistic husband may deny saying or doing something incredibly offensive, even when he did, in fact, do or say that thing. 

Over time, this causes you to question if perhaps your memory is failing, and you come to believe that you’re the one to blame for issues in the relationship. 

8. A sense of entitlement

Rounding out the list of narcissistic husband traits is a strong sense of entitlement. A narcissistic husband feels that he’s entitled to his every desire. Does he want to go to a specific restaurant, even if it’s your birthday and you don’t very much care for that restaurant? He feels entitled to choose where you eat. 

He will also feel that you should respond to his every whim or demand, whether it’s a request that you bring him lunch at work in the middle of your busy workday or a demand that you rearrange the furniture precisely the way he wants it.  

The narcissistic husband feels entitled to have everything his way, and he doesn’t much care what you think. 

Can my narcissistic husband change? 

If you’re trying to figure out how to deal with a narcissistic husband, you probably wonder if his behavior will ever change. After all, if you’re subjected to fits of rage, constant putdowns, and an expectation that you will meet his every need while denying your own needs, you’re probably fed up and wondering if you’ll have to live like this forever. 

The truth is that it is difficult for individuals with a narcissistic personality disorder to change their behavior. Personality disorders represent behavior patterns, and it can be difficult to unlearn these patterns. 

That being said, if your husband has true desire and motivation to change, and he is willing to work through childhood issues in therapy, he may be able to change some of his behaviors so they do not have as much of a negative effect on your relationship.  

Related Reading: How Does a Narcissist Change After Marriage – Red Flags to Look out For

10 ways on how to deal with a narcissistic husband

Given the difficulty of being married to a narcissist, you probably want strategies for coping. Below, find ten coping mechanisms for living with a narcissistic husband.

1. Don’t take the behavior personally 

It is easy to let the narcissist’s behavior negatively affect you, but don’t take it personally. There isn’t anything wrong with you. A narcissistic person will treat any spouse or partner the way they have treated you, regardless of how great that person is. 

Remember that the narcissist’s behavior is because of their own mental and emotional health problems, and at the end of the day, it has nothing to do with you. 

2. Learn to set boundaries

If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, it’s critical that you set healthy boundaries because behavior that you allow will continue. For example, if your husband tends to interrupt you at work or throw temper tantrums when you’re giving your attention to the children, you need to set boundaries around this behavior. 

You might have a conversation in which you explain to your husband that you cannot take phone calls or engage in fights via text message when you’re in work meetings or tending to the children. If he tries to cross these boundaries, remind him that you discussed this issue previously.

3. Have a conversation about how his behaviors affect you

This may be easier said than done, but it can be helpful to have a conversation with your partner at a time when he’s in a good mood. 

Be sure to approach the topic gently and try to soften the blow by saying that you understand his intention probably isn’t to be hurtful. Still, he’s showing some behaviors that hurt the relationship. 

Be sure to use ‘I’ statements so he doesn’t feel as attacked. For example, you might say something along the lines of, “I feel like my opinions don’t matter when I’m never able to pick what we eat for dinner,” or, “I feel inferior when you make negative statements about my intelligence. ”

4. Try to show him what’s in it for him if he makes changes 

Change is difficult for anyone, and it can be excruciating for narcissists, who tend to have a hard time admitting that they have any flaws. To make it easier for him to change, suggest to your narcissistic husband that if he changes his behavior, the relationship is likely to improve for both of you.

For instance, you might tell him that if he makes an effort to stop criticizing you so often and consider your feelings, you’re likely to be happier and more willing to do nice things for him, such as cooking his favorite meal, seeing that movie he wants to see, or putting extra effort into looking nice for him. 

5. Don’t give him power over your emotions 

One reason that a narcissistic spouse can manipulate you and have such a profound impact on your emotions and wellbeing is that you have given him the power to do so. Don’t give him the power to ruin your day with a snide remark or an act of selfishness.  

Remind yourself that his behavior has nothing to do with you. You cannot control it, but you can control how you react and choose to go about your day with a positive mindset. 

6. Pick your battles

It can be challenging to ignore negative behavior from your spouse, such as name-calling or intentional disrespect. Still, if you respond negatively every time your narcissistic husband acts this way, you’re likely to get caught in a cycle of frequent arguments. 

Instead of sweating the small stuff, pick your battles and save your reactions for big issues, like abusive behavior or clear boundary violations. Over time, your partner may change his tune when he sees that minor insults don’t get to you anymore. 

Related Reading: How to Fix an Abusive Relationship

7. Practice positive self-affirmations 

Your partner may enjoy putting you down to make himself feel better, but don’t let this get to you. 

Get in the habit of giving yourself positive affirmations, such as, “I am a great mother,” or, “I have been very successful in my career,” so that negative comments from the narcissist do not run through your head.  

8. Engage in self-care

When you take care of yourself physically and emotionally, you’ll find that the narcissist’s negative behavior isn’t as damaging. Find pockets of time where you can do something you love, such as watching a favorite show or relaxing with a warm bath.

Make a habit out of following a nutritious diet and setting aside time for regular exercise, even if it’s just a walk or jog around the block while your husband is at work or busy with something else.

Related Reading: The 5 Pillars of Self-Care

9. Maintain supportive relationships 

Keep in contact with people who are supportive of you, even if you’re only able to do so with the occasional phone call or coffee date. 

Having people in your corner reminds you that you are worthy of healthy, supportive relationships. This can help you to heal from some of the damage caused by a narcissistic husband.

10. Insist that your partner go to counseling

It is often nearly impossible for a narcissist to make any changes to their behavior without professional intervention, but that doesn’t mean it will be easy for you to convince your husband to get help.  

Going to counseling means admitting that there is something wrong, and it will probably require your partner to accept some accountability for negative behavior, which is difficult for a narcissist. 

Even if he resists, you may have to insist that your husband seek counseling if he wants the relationship to continue. It may be helpful if you frame counseling as something you are doing together so that you can both work to improve the relationship, so the entire blame doesn’t fall upon him. 

Conclusion

Learning how to live with a narcissistic husband means coming to terms with upsetting behavior, such as frequent put-downs, arrogance, lack of empathy, and manipulation.

You can use strategies to make life easier, such as practicing self-care, setting healthy boundaries, and reminding yourself that you aren’t to blame for any of these narcissistic husband traits.

Ultimately, your partner will likely need to seek counseling to make any lasting changes to his behavior. If your relationship is suffering due to narcissism, and other strategies have not worked, you might have to insist that your partner goes to counseling with you. You may even go so far as to give him an ultimatum. 

Remember, no one should have to tolerate abuse at the end of the day. If dealing with a narcissistic husband is taking a toll on your physical or mental health, or if violent behaviors threaten your safety, it may be time to devise an exit plan and seek support to help you safely walk away from the relationship.

Discover how to live with a narcissistic husband

Table of Contents

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How to live with a narcissistic husband

You’ve found me through searching for information on how to live with a narcissistic husband. I’m glad you’ve landed here!

Living with a narcissistic husband, wife or partner, or anyone else with narcissistic traits is undoubtedly challenging.

Interestingly, more women look for relationship help with this issue than men. That’s not surprising – research on gender differences in narcissism found that men consistently scored higher.

Welcome, regardless of your gender

Where possible, I intend to use ‘they’ and ‘them’ instead of ‘he’ and ‘she’ in my articles. Instead of ‘boyfriend’ and ‘girlfriend’, I use ‘partner’.

In my articles about marriage, I use ‘partner’ and ‘spouse’ with occasionally ‘husband’ and ‘wife’. In some, though, I may focus on a specific gender.

I’d like you to feel seen, accepted and welcomed, regardless of gender.

Please bear with me, though. I’m still working through my articles to implement that intent.

How to deal with a narcissistic husband

How can you recognise narcissism?

While you may love your husband very much (or perhaps not anymore!), their narcissistic tendencies can make it difficult for you to live with them and feel loved in return.

Being able to spot and identify narcissistic behaviour can at least help you to make sense of seemingly senseless and selfish behaviour.

You need that for your sanity when you even think you’re living with a ‘narcissist’!

10 signs your husband has narcissistic traits

You may well be living with a narcissist – depending on the number of items you could tick on the following list and to what extent they exhibit the behaviours:

  1. Your spouse expects continued appreciation and admiration from you and others – often referred to as ‘narcissistic supply’. (This expectation comes from a sense of entitlement and an exaggerated sense of self-importance)
  2. He overestimates his abilities and underestimates the contribution of others – this is probably well-documented in their social media profiles and is a very telling narcissistic trait.
  3. He fantasises and lies all the time about unlimited success in whatever they do (magical thinking)
  4. He compares themselves very favourably with high-status people, assuming they only will understand and truly appreciate them.
  5. He is often unreasonably demanding – having unrealistic expectations of you (and others) – a personality trait that makes it almost impossible to create a healthy relationship.
  6. He contributes very little to the relationship – only take and manipulates.
  7. He has little or no empathy (though they are masters at faking it), often sneers and shouts, and is contemptuous and over-critical of you and everything you do (in other words: mentally abusive)
  8. He is unwilling to discuss your feelings or concerns.
  9. He lacks insight into himself and his behaviour.
  10. He is unpredictable and unreasonable.

He may also be utterly charming, interesting, entertaining and happy-go-lucky. No wonder then that you find yourself drawn to him, at least when you first met:

  • you felt he truly understood you
  • he fulfilled your wildest dreams
  • you felt like the luckiest person on this earth
  • you could barely believe someone like him (or her) would ever love someone like you.

You may continue to love him despite the difficulties in figuring out how to live with him, often probably wondering what you‘re doing wrong.

Chances are:

  • You swing between feeling he’s bad for you and remembering how he was your knight in shining armour.
  • You’re feeling guilty when he blames you.
  • You’re feeling anxious all the time.
  • You’re constantly doubting them and doubting yourself
  • You may even think at times that he hates you.

It may have taken you some time to realise that his personality is all about ‘me, myself and I’.

You (and possibly others) may now think of him as selfish, pompous, arrogant, pretentious, overbearing, big-headed and/or a user who never-ever apologises for their behaviour.

Dealing with a narcissistic husband can be a nightmare!

So, in this article, I aim to help you understand what’s happening and offer you some guidance.

I’ll also give you some ideas on how to stay married and make the most of your relationship despite the challenges.

How to live with a narcissist husband

Is your partner truly narcissistic?

A diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a classified mental disorder in the DSM – a handbook used by the American Psychiatric Association and psychiatrists worldwide.

Only a suitably qualified mental health or medical professional can diagnose the disorder with the help of a narcissistic personality inventory.

The 5 different types of narcissism

When you want to know how to live with a narcissistic husband it’s as well to learn what that really entails, because there’s more…

A suitably qualified mental health worker will also be looking for what type of narcissism a person has.

Narcissism can be of the prosocial- or antisocial type. The latter type you’re most likely familiar with and probably prompted your search for information).

And then, there are some subtypes:

  1. grandiose narcissism (the excessive selfie-posting type (link opens in a new tab))
  2. malignant narcissism (see further down)
  3. leadership narcissism
  4. entitlement narcissism
  5. vulnerable narcissism.

Your spouse may not meet the required criteria for NPD diagnosis, yet clearly (at least to you) has narcissistic tendencies.

And regardless of the label he may or may not have, you have to deal with those energy-sapping selfish behaviours.

You’re not alone in living with a narcissist!

Living with a narcissist?

5 underlying reasons for their narcissist behaviour

If you’re dealing with a narcissistic husband, the following might give you a little insight.

Your spouse may be protecting themselves against, for example, underlying:

  1. Insecurity – some have a fragile sense of self, are easily hurt by criticism and are floored by failures (aka ‘narcissistic injury’)
  2. Unresolved conflict – for whatever reason, he didn’t get what he needed or expected from his caregivers in childhood.
  3. Unpleasant memories. We all have them, but a narcissist can’t let them go – hence the defensive behaviours.
  4. Unpleasant feelings – which he’ll constantly be trying to escape in ways that are detrimental to others
  5. Stereotypical gender role. Your husband may exhibit behaviours which he learned from his parents or other caregivers.

Any of these are likely to be rooted in his childhood. They could include rejection at the hands of the very people who should have shown them unconditional love and acceptance. (At least, this is the psychodynamic explanation.)

As a result of this:

  • He now defends his feelings of rejection by continually telling himself that he is perfect and lovable.
  • He may convince himself that he is self-sufficient and does not require warm relationships with others. All this doesn’t mean he doesn’t need others…
  • He will feel rejected, sad, empty, and depressed if you decide to leave him. It’s too much of a reminder of the past without their consciously making that connection.
  • Your husband’s self-esteem will often appear high but may be very fragile (though that’s not the case for all narcissists!).
  • He certainly will be completely unable to cope with criticism because it’s likely to leave him feeling crushed.
Is your husband or partner over-confident, self-assured or narcissistic?

How to deal with a narcissistic husband

People with narcissistic behaviours are usually charming in the beginning.

However, their self-centred view makes it difficult for them to develop strong long-term relationships.

Your husband’s lack of empathy may even put your safety at risk.

Living with a narcissistic husband can feel like you’re constantly walking on a tightrope.

I wouldn’t be surprised if, over time, you’ve found yourself increasingly irritated, frustrated, stressed or desperately hurt by them – and perhaps even scared.

You may have got into a spiral of negativity, with disappointments stacking up and dragging you down.

Your self-esteem is likely to have suffered a downturn due to his constant criticism and rejection of you. Yet, you may still love your husband or perhaps think you do.

I recommend you take my comprehensive relationship compatibility test (link opens in a new tab) to determine if it’s worth saving your marriage.

How to live with a narcissistic husband

Know that narcissism comes in many ‘shades’

At one end of the spectrum is malignant Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and this is a fully classified mental disorder. (It’s similar to psychopathy, although a psychopath doesn’t care about being the centre of attention.

(See my abusive relationship test for info on narcissistic abuse)

NPD also shares many of the same character traits as Borderline Personality Disorder, including rapid mood changes, unstable personal relationships and a deep-rooted fear of abandonment.)

At the other end of the scale, someone may be displaying only some really irritating narcissistic traits.

Unfortunately, even just a couple of these traits can make it challenging to maintain a healthy relationship.

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I’ll assume that your husband isn’t at the dangerous end of the narcissism spectrum.

If he is, you’re in an abusive marriage!

You’ll be at risk of financial, physical and emotional abuse. I’d strongly advise you to seek professional help as soon as possible.

However, if your spouse displays mildly narcissistic traits and you’re looking for ways to cope with the problem, I have a plan for you…

How to live with a narcissistic husband – a survival guide

Top 8 tips for surviving and dealing with a narcissistic husband

Below is your survival guide for living with a narcissistic spouse.

None of the following is useful and can even be dangerous if you’re the victim of narcissistic abuse!

Here’s how to live with a ‘narcissistic’ husband – a spouse with just some narcissistic traits:

1. Be safe!

First and foremost, be safe – emotionally, psychologically and physically. Don’t allow your partner to violate your boundaries. If you don’t feel safe – stop reading now and get help.

2. Take time to focus on meeting your own emotional needs

Give yourself permission not to think about your partner or spouse 24 hours a day! Instead, undertake something completely new to occupy yourself.

3. Remind yourself frequently that you are still uniquely smart and lovable

Your spouse may well suggest you’re crazy, so you’ll need to learn to protect yourself.

I highly recommend you get the hypnosis audio downloads “Boosting Your Self-Esteem” and “Dealing with Narcissistic Behaviour”.

With the help of a professional audio download, self-hypnosis is a user-friendly, affordable and – above all – effective way to help you feel better fast.

Discover how it can work for you and which specific download would suit you most – see my page Hypnosis FAQ and Downloads.

4. Make good use of your resources

You were born with the most amazing resource – your brain!

Among a thousand and one things, it allows you to reflect on yourself, increase your self-awareness, and practice empathy not only for others but also for yourself.

So use it to deal with your pre-existing insecurities to protect you better against your spouse’s criticism.

5. Accept that you cannot change your narcissistic husband

If only you could change your spouse! Know that your spouse is incapable of forming worthwhile relationships.

They can’t form a truly loving, close relationship and you’re unlikely to ever really get through to them no matter how much love, care and consideration you show them.

So, remind yourself often not to take any mean comments personally.

6. Don’t take it personally

See their narcissistic behaviour as a reflection of their insecurities, inabilities and prejudges.

7. Share your experience

Talk to a trusted person. I highly recommend you connect with an online, professional, licensed therapist for the best advice.

Alternatively, you could ask for relationship advice from a wise individual in your surroundings – someone you know won’t judge and won’t blab (unless you’re in danger of serious harm).

8. Decide for yourself what is- and what isn’t acceptable behaviour
  • Write down what you know you can heck and what is for you unacceptable.
  • Discuss it with someone you trust to ensure that you’re not making excuses for their behaviour.
  • Set clear boundaries and decide what you need to do for yourself to feel better when you feel slighted by your husband. Stick to it!

You may increasingly feel that you can no longer stay in this marriage. If that’s the case, permit yourself to feel okay about that.

Give yourself time to make the right decision, though.

Can you change your narcissistic spouse?

Put simply: you can’t change your other half or anyone else for that matter – whatever the problem.

Not because he is – or could be – narcissistic. But because no one has (or should have) the power over another person to force them to change. And your ‘narcissist’ husband, in particular, is unlikely ever to seek treatment to help him change – of his own accord or because you demanded he should.

We change our behaviour based on feedback – positive or negative – self-reflection and self-awareness.

Your narcissistic husband lacks the capacity for self-reflection and has little insight into his shortcomings and impact on others. He will see no need to change.

10 tips for surviving living with a mildly narcissistic husband

Is staying married too important for you to consider a divorce?

Then here’s your survival guide with tips on what might work when you’re dealing with a spouse with some narcissistic traits:

  1. Talk about why our relationships with others are so meaningful and what it means to feel connected with another person.
  2. Suggest any behavioural changes (start small) without any reference to wrongdoing on his (or your) part.
  3. Emphasise the benefits – to him, you and the relationship of a particular action to build his view of himself as being ‘good’.
  4. Talk about what the two of you have achieved in terms of growth, however little. Avoid pointing the finger at all costs!
  5. Remind yourself frequently of what you do like about your spouse instead of getting fixated on what you hate.
  6. Offer someone else’s opinion about a specific behaviour from your spouse that might have irritated them. Sandwich it very gently between positives, though.
  7. Do your best to remind yourself of the connection between their past hurts and their behaviour. The more empathic you feel, the less likely you will get into a spiral of negativity (honouring your boundaries, though).
  8. Gain their interest, if you can, in the story of people’s lives around them. Help them focus outward in a fun way – away from me, myself and I. Ask questions such as: Who did something funny at work today? How’s so-and-so getting on with their new project? What’s your favourite kind of personality to be around and why? Etc.
  9. Help them understand gradually and gently what others feel and might truly want, need or expect from your husband.
  10. And the most important one: BE PATIENT and stick to your boundaries.

Helping your spouse deal with criticism

Someone with a diagnosis of NPD, or even with ‘just’ some traits of narcissistic personality disorder, can find criticism particularly challenging. They may respond by behaving rudely and aggressively if criticised.

The best thing you can do here is to help your husband recognise that no one is perfect. Each of us, including him, has our share of imperfections and shortcomings.

For more on this, hop over to my article on how to deal with criticism.

How to encourage understanding and empathy

Try and encourage understanding with some playful conversations together every day.

For example:

  • Ask them to guess what you’re thinking.
  • Likewise, guess what they’re thinking about right now.
  • Take turns to have a 10-minute max conversation about your successes, preferences and joys, and your failures, disappointments, and challenges.
  • Accept your spouse is going to find 10 minutes chats about his successes a challenge, but insist he listens also to you.

These conversations may help them slowly and gently get some insight into other people’s feelings.

You’ll probably need to be pretty patient when you first try these kinds of chats. Please don’t force it and only play when you’re feeling positive, cheerful and generous!

When you can no longer stay married, and it’s time to get a divorce

There may come a time when you feel you’ve had enough, you don’t want to stay married to your narcissistic husband. It’s hard creating a rewarding relationship with someone whose main focus is himself.

It’s impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who abuses you!

So, you may find it helpful to read my article 19 signs your marriage is over and how to tell your spouse you want a divorce. After all, its success does need two people to commit and work together to build a healthy relationship.

Alternatively, you could tell your husband you want a break.

Not sure what to do for the best?

Step 1: Make a list of all their positive attributes

Include the things your husband has contributed to your relationship so far and what you still love about them.

Step 2: Make a list of behaviours you experience as abusive

Go back to the lists in my article on the signs of an abusive relationship to remind yourself.

Step 3: Weigh up the two lists against each other

If possible, discuss each step with someone you trust. Choose a loved one who has your best interest at heart but can remain objective.

Get help to help you cope with a narcissistic spouse!

You might be lucky enough to be surrounded by supportive friends and family.

If so, talk to them, and listen to their take on your relationship.

If not, and you need some guidance, I recommend you chat with an online relationship coach to get some insight and actionable advice.

Finally

Living with a narcissistic husband can be exhausting and confusing.

Your mental health is at stake, so it’s time to consider if staying married is in your (and your children’s) best interest.

Remember, you deserve to be loved, cherished and feel fulfilled.

Get a professional therapist to help you

Because you’re worthy of reliable help and support.

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Sources

“Study: Men Tend to Be More Narcissistic Than Women.” Why We Create Monsters – UB Reporter, 4 Mar. 2015, www.buffalo. edu/news/releases/2015/03/009.html. Accessed 14 Dec. 2018.

Gilbert, Katie. “The Price of Loving Someone Borderline or Narcissistic.” Psychology Today, 07 Jan. 2016. Web. 27 Nov. 2017.

“Narcissism And The Addiction To Narcissistic Supply.” The Roadshow for Therapists Narcissism And The Addiction To Narcissistic Supply Comments. N.p., n.d. Web. 28 Nov. 2017.

how to behave with him, advice from a psychologist

Psychologist Andrey Yudin - about where daffodils come from and whether it is possible to live with a narcissist partner and be happy.

Andrey Yudin, gestalt therapist

How to recognize a narcissist, how to properly behave with him and is it possible to get along?

Article content

Diagnosis or character trait?

It so happened that every few years mass culture borrows a new term from scientific and psychological language in order to designate with it the image of a conditional bad, unpleasant person. "Moron", "idiot", "hysterical", "schizophrenic", "neurotic" - once all these words had very specific scientific meanings, very far from the modern abusive meanings of these words. In attempts to dissociate themselves from semantic distortions, psychologists are forced all the time to come up with new terms - more subtle and devoid of offensive, stigmatizing connotations. Something similar seems to be happening with the once-psychoanalytic term "narcissist."

Today, everyone who has the audacity to show some kind of intractability or disagreement with the speaker is sometimes recorded as a narcissist: starting from people with deep psychopathic traits and ending with a spouse shirking dishes.

Signs of a narcissist man

In modern scientific psychology, the term "narcissist" is most often understood as a person who meets the diagnostic criteria for narcissistic personality disorder (hereinafter referred to as NPD). These criteria are very complex, and an accurate diagnosis sometimes requires the work of entire councils of professionals specializing in the field of personality disorders. However, there are signs that are universal for all narcissists, and the combination of which suggests that a person with a high probability is a narcissist:

  • constant preoccupation with self-esteem; self-centeredness; lack of emotional empathy;
  • hypersensitivity to the slightest sign of disrespect; high irritability; propensity to depreciate;
  • increased attention to issues of social status.

Depending on the ways they use to maintain their fragile self-esteem, outwardly narcissists can manifest themselves very differently: some obsessively seek the admiration of others, some try to "cling" to someone they admire (turning it into a so-called narcissistic extension), and some attack the self-esteem of others, subjugating their will, humiliating them and devaluing all aspects of their personality. These strategies can vary greatly in their effect on others, but they are all unpleasant for the one at whose expense the narcissist is trying to fuel self-esteem at a particular moment.

Where do male and female narcissists come from? values ​​and bad education deserves public censure, punishment and re-education. It is extremely rare that one of the authors dares to dig deeper and soberly consider the inner tragedy of the narcissist's psychotype.

In reality, no one is born a narcissist and chooses to become a narcissist by choice. Narcissistic personality disorder begins to form at an early age (usually before 4–5 years of age) as the only possible adaptation of a child to a situation of chronic absence of stable unconditional love from parents.

It is so unbearable and terrible for a child to feel with all clarity that the adults who care for him do not really love him, that he will do absolutely everything to squeeze out of them at least a drop of some kind of surrogate of love - and thanks to this not get off with mind and not die of grief and devastation. And this habit of looking for substitutes for love is so necessary for the survival of the child that it is rather quickly woven into the structure of his character and becomes "second nature", constantly present and working at an unconscious level. The absence of unconditional love from a parent, forcing the child to develop a narcissistic character, can take many different forms. According to the American psychotherapist Elinor Greenberg, one of the world's leading experts in NPD, most of the life stories of narcissistic patients fit into one of the three most typical scenarios.

What makes up the psychotype of a narcissist

  • Quite often, parents use their children's talents to realize their own ambitions, for example, in sports or music. On the surface, a parent may praise the child and consider him a child prodigy, but the child is weary of his role, feels like an impostor, feels shame and humiliation from this role. At the same time, the child himself does not seem to be seen, he feels that he is loved not by him, but by someone else, whose life he should live instead of his own.
  • Another path to narcissism is the atmosphere of constant evaluation and competition in the family . If parents have only two poles - (extreme admiration for first places and five pluses and at the same time extreme humiliation or ignorance for any other results), the child cannot feel consistently loved. Sooner or later, the child begins to rigidly associate happiness with success and enters into an endless race for signs of success that never bring him true satisfaction.
  • Another path to narcissism is through years of humiliation and constant criticism from a domineering, irritable narcissistic parent. People who grew up in such a toxic atmosphere often then hear a cruel, critical voice in their heads all their lives, make absolutely unrealistic demands on themselves, try all their lives to prove to their parents, themselves and those around them that they can still meet even such an overestimated bar.

One way or another, all these situations imply that the child's personality is ignored. The parent does not see the child as a person, an emerging personality, he only uses the child as his narcissistic extension, or as a cesspool for rage about his own inferiority.

But, since there is no one to explain to the child what the real problem is, he draws the conclusion that helps him to remain in at least some emotional contact with the parent: the conclusion that he is defective, inferior, and that is why he could not cause in parents the love and attention that any child needs so much for normal, healthy development.

How to survive with a daffodil man?

If your spouse, partner, loved one, or family member is a narcissist and you plan on maintaining a close relationship with that person, it's good to know a few things that will improve your quality of life.

The most important thing is to realize that life in an intimate relationship with a narcissist is very difficult. If you expect a male narcissist to change over time, adapt to life together and begin to behave like everyone else, a serious disappointment is possible. When deciding to connect your life with a narcissist, evaluate your motivation, the amount of complexity and psychological work that comes with this relationship. You will have to learn how to deal with a male narcissist.

It is important to philosophically, without moralizing, perceive the objective limitations of the narcissist : his inability to regulate self-esteem without external nourishment, the need to devalue others, lack of empathy, inadequately high sensitivity to criticism. In practice, this means that you will have to learn to ignore the negativity directed at you, not take it personally and remember that his emotional outbursts are not caused by you, but by the complex limitations of his character, with which, alas, he cannot do anything. Unfortunately, a male narcissist really needs your help with regulating his self-esteem: sometimes it is praise and a demonstration of good attitude, and sometimes the ability to take on an attack of devaluation and withstand it.

It is important to understand that the narcissist is not able to take criticism calmly and without drama, because it brings down his fragile self-esteem and plunges him into his personal nightmare, in which he is a nonentity, unworthy of life. Even hints of his being wrong become a knife in the bleeding wound of his personality. It is better to prepare in advance for the consequences - an outburst of rage, depreciating comments, a long-term resentment, or even an attempt to end the relationship. You - if you want to stay around - will have to take responsibility for some of the narcissist's mistakes, admit you are wrong in situations where you are right. You will also have to master the language of the feedback that narcissists endure: we-messages in the genre of “we didn’t manage to pick up the child from school on time today” (when the narcissist was actually late), wording like “surprisingly, but in one nuance you are due to a ridiculous misunderstanding today I was temporarily not at my usual level of perfection ”(when the narcissist man let you down big time).

A high quality of life next to a narcissist is impossible without clear and strong personal boundaries. Narcissists are sophisticated masters of loosening, blurring and breaking through the boundaries of even the most resilient people. Part of his tragedy is that his aching self-esteem will constantly push him to try to bend you to his will, but as soon as he succeeds, he will instantly lose respect for you with all the ensuing consequences for the relationship. Therefore, you should immediately tune in to the fact that you will have to repel attacks of various strengths, survive and not give up. And this requires not only courage, but also the willingness, if necessary, to put the fate of the relationship on the line in order to withstand the manipulations of the narcissist.

Very often, narcissists behave in a way that is unpleasant for those close to them, not because they cannot do otherwise. Firstly, in their family such behavior was the norm, they have no other role models, and secondly, their empathy is not at all enough to notice that such behavior of theirs hurts people and destroys relationships. It is hard to believe that many of the hurtful things the narcissist does not do on purpose, but simply because of a lack of empathy. Some narcissists can be "re-educated" to some extent, delicately, persistently, in a nonjudgmental tone, conveying to them information about what kind of reactions in other people their behavior causes.

How to survive if you recognize a narcissist in yourself?

If you recognize yourself in the description of narcissists and think you have narcissistic personality disorder, there are three good news.

First of all, most people with NPD are unaware that they have NPD , so in a way you are already lucky: you understand what is happening to you and can find many big and small ways to improve your condition.

Secondly, most often people with NPD cannot even imagine how much higher quality of life is potentially available to them in the event that they receive high-quality psychotherapeutic assistance. Not every psychotherapist is suitable for the treatment of NPD - you will need an experienced specialist with additional training in the treatment of personality disorders. Due to the high skill and experience requirements of a specialist, successful NPD treatment is usually expensive, can take a long time - up to several years, requires great effort in order to resist the temptation to stop it halfway or even after the first improvements. Because of these circumstances, even in the psychotherapeutic community, there are myths that NPD is practically untreatable or incurable. But the result of high-quality NPD therapy is most often worth the time, money and effort invested in it.

And finally, thirdly... You are not alone. Perhaps you are experiencing total loneliness and deep down you consider yourself a defective, unworthy person whom no one will ever be able to understand. All these experiences are nothing more than an echo of a terrible, unbearable past in which you were truly alone, rejected and misunderstood, in which you survived and to which you adapted in the best possible way.

This past is over. In order to discover this and say goodbye to him, you need a little faith that a person is immeasurably more than any personality disorder. That one's psychological functioning and one's character as a narcissist can be changed if enough systematic effort is put into it. And the main thing is that, despite what happened, everything in your life can be different.

Do you notice signs of a narcissist in yourself?

Living with a daffodil | PSYCHOLOGIES

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Man among men

How does it feel to live next to a man who is completely absorbed only in himself? Based on statements on the Internet, a "Book of quotes about daffodils" was compiled.

Doctor of Psychology Leon Zeltser analyzed it and came to the conclusion that the victims of narcissists are very well versed in the nature of their offenders.

Narcissists are cruel manipulators

Egoists tend to take advantage of their partner's sacrifice in order to completely subjugate him. Therefore, people who have been in close relationships with narcissists often report that they have been constantly manipulated.

“Imagine if someone proposed to your daughter: “First, I will be as you want. I will give you attention, love, and you will feel special. But when I understand that you are completely dependent on me, I will stop pretending and show my true face. I will become insensitive, deceitful and cruel, I will humiliate you and maybe even beat you. Are you trying to figure out what went wrong? But you'll never make it, so I'll never be the same. Deal? Deal?"

You would immediately understand that only a real psycho can offer such a thing, and, of course, you would dissuade your daughter from such a relationship. But for some reason, you can't protect yourself from such a danger…”

I realized that the concept of “beating the down” is typical behavior for a narcissist

“We loved these men, but why? Because in the beginning they made us feel special, loved, surrounded by care. Narcissists are masters of manipulation, they work with us subtly and precisely. They are literally brainwashing us."

“We never know what the response to our behavior will be. Because there is no stable system and it is impossible to predict his reaction. We are forced to fight in a constant attempt to please, in the hope of avoiding completely unpredictable anger. I realized that the concept of "hitting the down" is a typical behavior for a narcissist.

The victim is not immediately aware of his subordination

People who have lived with a narcissistic partner for a long time often say that these relationships have “dried” and “bleeded” them. But the realization of this comes only when the victim has already reached a critical point.

“Narcissists are quite simple: they want support (adoration, reverence) and do everything to get it. But if they don't get enough of it, they get annoyed. The partner is confused - after all, he tried, tried to please.

“My friends have always supported me and never tired of reminding me that I am a human being, that my life has value and meaning. Friends said that the years spent with him changed me, made me nervous, anxious and doubting my abilities. But in the process, I didn’t realize how much I was changing.”

The narcissist will stifle all that is good in you. He will manipulate your psyche until you forget who you really are

“Why don't we break off relations with such people? … After all, the narcissist demonstrates with his whole appearance: you are nothing to me. And then your head is filled with the darkest thoughts. Depression, an acute feeling of loneliness, constantly pursuing failures and, as a result, self-hatred. We start asking ourselves, “How could I put up with this? What did he think of me if I allowed myself to be treated like that?

Narcissists are capable of inflicting deep trauma on the psyche

The words most often used in their confessions by people who have lived with egoists for a long time clearly characterize the degree and depth of the pain inflicted on them: loss, sadness, emptiness, degradation, humiliation, emptiness…

“I melted into his world, tiptoed around and worried if I was doing the right thing. Am I right? And when he suddenly showed me at least some minimal attention, I was happy like crazy! I acted like a hungry and loyal dog who had been thrown a bone. "He thinks of me!" — revolved in my head. This is so sad".

“At first, the narcissist will stifle all the good that is in you. It will manipulate your psyche until you forget who you really are. Your own reflection will seem alien to you. Yes, it's going to be that bad, trust me."

“My narcissistic husband was not an intruder. He didn't want to hurt me just for fun. He just did it to achieve his goal. So that I depend on him, obey him, give him everything that he requires. And in the end, the pain turned into an end in itself for him. Because it was in a humiliated state that I was obedient.

Narcissists are dishonest

Narcissists are often spoken of as cheaters and liars.

For ten years I was completely under the control of my husband. He was my guide, my very life, and as a result completely destroyed it

“My ex-husband constantly lied to others about me. In the light of these lies, I was always bad and he was good, although in reality it was the other way around. I found out about this after we parted ways. It literally destroyed me. I just couldn't take the pain anymore!"

“The main habit of a narcissistic person is lying. He will lie, even if the only salvation for him is the truth.

Israeli writer and author of the book “Malignant narcissism. Narcissism Revisited" Sam Vankin openly admitted both his selfishness and his constant lies: "I'm lying. Obsessively, all the time and about everything. Why am I doing this? To be interesting and attractive. To attract attention, cause adoration, admiration, admiration and give rise to gossip.

Breaking up relationships as a way to salvation

For people exhausted by dealing with narcissists, breaking up with them can be a way out, says Leon Seltzer.

“Remembering all the ardent egoists with whom life confronted me, I understand that from the very first meeting it was clear that they were deeply selfish, immoral, addicted to sex, or there was some other wormhole in them.

Learn more