Why do men leave their wives for younger women
Why men leave their wives after 30 years of marriage
The breakdown of a marriage at any stage of life is heartbreaking.
Whether you are the one who decides to leave, or the one who has been left blindsided by your partner’s decision to go, the pain and confusion from the fallout can feel unbearable.
Perhaps one of the most palpable questions that can almost drive you crazy is why? Why does a man after 30 years of marriage decide to leave his wife?
In this article, we’ll look at some of the most common reasons a marriage can end in later life.
Is it common to divorce after 30 years?
Whilst most divorces happen early on (after around 4 years of marriage) getting divorced later in life is becoming increasingly common.
In fact, a 2017 study from Pew Research Center shows that divorce for over 50’s has doubled since 1990. Meanwhile, it’s an even bleaker picture for people over the age of 65, with the divorce rate for this age group tripling since 1990.
Whilst it’s more common for older people who have remarried to get another divorce, amongst these figures are also what is sometimes referred to as “gray divorces”.
These are older couples in long-term marriages, who may have been together for 25, 30, or even 40 years.
Out of the adults 50 and over who divorced during this time period, one-third of them had been in their prior marriage for 30 years or more. One in eight had been married for over 40 years.
According to a wave of new research, splitting up after the age of 50 can be particularly detrimental to both your financial and emotional wellbeing, far more than divorcing when you’re younger.
So why do couples divorce after 30 years of marriage?
Why do marriages break up after 30 years? 12 reasons men leave their wives after so long1) Midlife crisis
It’s a cliche I know, but more than half of adults over the age of 50 claims to have gone through a midlife crisis.
There is certainly evidence of people reporting a decline in life satisfaction when they hit middle age. For example, surveys have singled out ages 45 to 54 as some of our gloomiest.
But what do we even mean by a mid-life crisis? The stereotype is of the aging man who goes out, buys a sports car, and pursues women half his age.
The term mid-life crisis was coined by psychoanalyst Elliot Jaques, who saw this period of life as one where we reflect on and struggle with our own mortality.
A midlife crisis tends to create conflict between how someone perceives themselves and their lives and how they wish life were.
It is often characterized by a desire to change your identity as a consequence.
A man who is going through a midlife crisis may:
- Feel unfulfilled
- Feel nostalgic about the past
- Feel jealous of people he thinks has a better life
- Feel bored or as though his life is meaningless
- Be more impulsive or rash in his actions
- Be more dramatic in his behavior or appearance
- Be drawn to having an affair
Of course, happiness is ultimately internal. As holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl stated, the “last of the human freedoms [is] to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
But a midlife crisis can lead us to believe that happiness is an external event, yet to be discovered, that lives outside of ourselves.
That’s why plenty of older men may experience a midlife crisis that causes them to leave a marriage, even after 30 years or more.2) Sexless marriage
Differences in libidos can create challenges at any stage of a marriage, with many couples experiencing mix-matched sex drives.
Although it’s not unusual for sex within a marriage to change over the years, people still have sexual needs at all ages. Sexual desire can also change at a different rate between men and women.
Studies have more widely reported that a decline in sexual interest is more common as women age, compared to men. Some of this may be as estrogen levels drop, reducing the libido.
If one partner still has a strong sexual appetite and the other doesn’t it can create problems.
Whilst sex in a relationship certainly isn’t everything, a lack of sex in some marriages can lead to less intimacy too. It can also create feelings of resentment which bubble under the surface.
According to a survey, over a quarter of relationships are sexless, and that rises to 36% for the over 50s, and 47% of those aged 60 and over.
Whilst there aren’t any statistics available on how many marriages end because of a lack of sex, for some partnerships it can certainly be a contributing factor in the demise of the relationship.3) Falling out of love
Even the most passionate and loving of couples can find themselves falling out of love.
Marisa T. Cohen, Ph.D., who is the co-founder of a research lab that focuses on relationships and social psychology says the reality is that the way couples experience long-term love is different.
“Research has shown that couples in stable relationships tend to perceive that their love is growing over time. People who experience problems, break up, or are heading toward breaking up perceive their love as declining over time.”
There are many stages to a marriage, and couples can fall at any of the potential hurdles as love shifts and takes on new forms in the relationship.
Some marriages of over 30 years can turn into friendships and others into relationships of convenience. This may even work for some people if it’s a situation that suits both.
But as the spark dies (especially as we all continue to live much longer) many men are spurred on to rediscover that lost passionate love elsewhere.
Whilst it is possible to rekindle a marriage even after you have fallen out of love, both partners need to be invested in doing it.4) Feeling unappreciated
It can happen in any long-term relationship that spouses forget to or neglect to show each other appreciation.
We become used to roles in a partnership that lead us to take one another for granted.
According to research, marriages where husbands who do not feel appreciated are twice as likely to break down.
“Men who didn’t feel affirmed by their wives were twice as likely to divorce as those who did. The same effect didn’t hold true for women.”
Researchers suggest this could be “because women are more likely to receive such affirmations from others — a hug from a friend or a compliment from a stranger in line at the deli.” Meanwhile, “Men don’t get it from other people in their lives so they especially need it from their female partners or wives”.
It suggests that men are more likely to suffer if they feel they are underappreciated or disrespected by their wives or children.5) Growing apart
Many couples who have been together a long time, let alone 30 years of marriage, can find they have fallen into a relationship rut.
After decades of marriage, you are bound to change as people. Sometimes couples are able to grow together, but sometimes they inevitably grow apart.
Particularly if you meet at a young age, you may discover at some point that you have little in common anymore.
Even if you have always had different interests, the things that once bound you together, after 30 years of being married, may no longer stand.
Your values and your goals will change as you age, and the things you wanted 30 years ago may not be the same things you want now.
You may have had a shared vision for life when you first got married, but for one or both of you, that vision could have shifted to leave you wanting different things.
Spending less time together, a lack of any physical touch, feeling lonely, and bickering over the little things but avoiding difficult talks are some of the signs that you may have grown apart from your partner.6) A lack of emotional connection
Marriage relies on intimacy, it is the silent cement that often underpins a deeper connection and holds it together.
A man may turn around after 30 or more years of marriage and say he wants a divorce when he has already emotionally checked out of the relationship.
This explains a common experience for many women who find their husband, seemingly out of nowhere, announces he wants a divorce, suddenly turning cold overnight.
It can come as a shock to an unsuspecting spouse but may have been bubbling under the surface for a while.
A widening gap in emotional intimacy can mount over the years and be made worse by a number of factors like stress, low self-esteem, rejection, resentment, or a lack of physical intimacy.
When an emotional connection fades in a marriage for a man he might start to withdraw. Either partner can feel increasingly insecure or unloved.
As a consequence, the relationships may start to have increasingly poor communication.
You may feel like the trust is gone, that there are secrets in your marriage or that your spouse has hidden emotions.
If you have stopped sharing your feelings with one another, it could be an indication that your emotional connection is struggling.7) An affair or meeting someone else
There are two types of affairs, and both can be equally damaging to a marriage.
Not all infidelity is a physical relationship, and an emotional affair can be just as disruptive.
Cheating never “just happens” and there are always a series of actions (no matter how naively taken) that lead there.
What makes a man leave his wife for another woman? There are of course plenty of reasons to cheat.
Some people do so because they feel bored, lonely, or dissatisfied in their current relationship. Some men cheat because they are looking to get unfulfilled sexual needs met. Whilst others may simply cheat because the opportunity presents itself and they decide to take it.
According to the American Psychological Association infidelity is reported to be responsible for 20-40% of divorces.
Whilst both men and women cheat, it seems to be the case that married men are more likely to have affairs (20% of men compared to 13% of women).
The stats also show this gap gets worse as men and women age.
The infidelity rate among men in their 70s is the highest (26%) and stays high among men aged 80 and older (24%).
The reality is that after 30 years of marriage the “newness” is well and truly gone. After so long together it’s natural that the excitement wears off.
A key component in desire is novelty, which is why an illicit affair can feel so thrilling.
If a man has an affair after being married to his wife for 30 years, the new woman may bring new compelling aspects to his life for him to share and explore with her. Whether that lasts once the shine has worn off is another matter.8) The kids have left home
Empty nest syndrome can impact both men and women in a marriage.
There is evidence that marital satisfaction actually improves when children finally take their leave, and it’s a time that can be enjoyed by parents.
But that isn’t always the case. During the childrearing years, plenty of couples come together with a strong common goal of raising the kids.
When it’s time for those children to fly the nest, it can change the dynamic in the marriage and leave a void.
For some marriages, the children have been the glue that held the relationship together as they focused on the daily activities associated with caring for them.
Once children leave the family home, some men may come to the realization that the marriage has changed and they no longer want to be in it.
Or a man may have felt compelled to stay in his marriage, despite its problems, for the sake of the children.9) Imagining the grass in greener elsewhere
We tend to like novelty. Many of us engage in daydreams about how life could be. But rather unsurprisingly that imagined life is also deeply steeped in fantasy.
It becomes an escapism from the unpleasant realities of our own daily lives.
But when we start to focus on the grass being greener elsewhere, we can lose sight of what we already have in front of us. This may be particularly the case when dealing with a long term marriage that you have started to take for granted.
Men who leave their wives after 30 years of marriage may well be willing to take a chance that the grass is in fact greener on the other side of the fence.
Of course, some may definitely find themselves happier after leaving their marriage, but research has also found plenty of downsides which could suggest a different picture too.
An article in the LA Times for example pointed out some grim statistics for couples who split up after the age of 50.
In particular, it cited a 2009 paper which showed recently separated or divorced adults have higher resting blood pressure. Meanwhile, another study said that: “divorce led to considerable weight gain over time, especially in men.”
As well as health determinants, there are also emotional ones too, with higher levels of depression found in people who have gone through a divorce later in life, perhaps notably, even higher than those whose other half died.
Lastly, the financial side of so-called grey divorce is also particularly hard on older men, who will find their standard of living drop by 21% (compared to younger men whose incomes are only negligibly affected.10) Wanting freedom
One of the most commonly given reasons for a partner to give for a split is wanting their freedom.
This freedom may be to pursue one’s own interests or experience a new type of independence for the latter years of their life.
There may come a point where a man becomes tired of thinking as a “we” and wants to act as an “I” again.
Marriages require compromise, everybody knows that, and according to social science writer, Jeremy Sherman, Ph.D., MPP, the reality is that relationships do, to a certain extent, require relinquishing freedom.
“Relationships are inherently constraining. In our dreams, we could have it all including complete safety and complete freedom within a partnership. You could do whatever you wanted always and your partner would always be there for you. In reality, that’s obviously absurd and unfair, so don’t complain. Don’t say “You know, I’m feeling constrained by this relationship.” Of course, you do. If you want a relationship, expect some constraints. In any intimate relationship, you’ll have to mind your elbows, tucking them in to make room for your partner’s freedom, and extending them where you can afford freedom. The more realistic you are about relationships, the more freedom you can gain fairly and honestly.”
After many years of marriage, one partner may feel unprepared to sacrifice their freedom for the sake of their relationship any longer.11) Retirement
Plenty of people spend their entire working lives looking forward to retirement. It is often seen as a time for leisurely pursuits, less stress, and greater happiness.
But it certainly isn’t always the case. Some of the downsides of retirement can be a loss of identity, and a change in routine that even leads to depression.
Retirement often has an unexpected impact on relationships too. Whilst it’s meant to signal the end of certain life stresses, it can create many more.
Whereas at one time when you were in full-time employment, you may have spent limited time together, all of a sudden, retired couples are thrown together for a lot longer.
Without separate interests to focus on or some healthy space, this can mean way more time spent in each other’s company than you would like.
Retirement doesn’t always live up to expectations, which can cause a certain amount of disillusionment or even frustration that can end up being taken out on a partner.
Even if only one partner retires, this too can be problematic, with research showing that retired husbands are least satisfied if their wives remain employed and had more say in decisions prior to the husband’s retirement.
In short, retirement can change the balance in a long term marriage.12) Longer life spans
Our life spans are increasing and baby boomers are experiencing better health into later life than previous generations.
For many of us, life no longer begins at 40, it begins at 50 or 60. The golden years for plenty of people are a time for expansion and embracing a new lease of life.
Whereas your grandparents may have made the decision to stay together for their remaining years, the prospect of a long life ahead can mean more people are making the choice to instead divorce.
According to statistics a man aged 65 today could expect to live until he is 84. Those additional 19 years are substantial.
And around one in every four 65-year-olds can expect to live past 90 years of age (with one out of ten living until 95).
With this awareness, and as divorce becomes far more socially acceptable, some men decide that they cannot stay in an unhappy marriage any longer.
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Why Do Men Leave the Woman They Love?
What makes a man leave his wife for another woman? It is a question that every woman has asked at least once in her life.
Being left for someone else leaves spouses asking, “Why did he leave me if he loved me?” and can leave her feeling empty and alone.
There are many reasons why men leave the women they love. Even the happiest marriage can fail. Here are 20 explanations of why it happens.20 reasons why men leave the women they love
It can be mind-boggling to try and decode why men leave good women, but the truth is there are dozens of reasons why a man may be unhappy in his marriage.
Keep reading to find out what makes a man leave his wife for another woman. Why men leave the women, they love.1. The sex was lacking
Husbands are sexual creatures, and this is often why men leave the women they love. Their hormones control a lot of what they do. If sex is lacking at home, they may start to look elsewhere to feed their desire.
If they don’t seek an affair, they may simply wish to end their current relationship in favor of a more sexually charged connection.
Not only is sex naughty and fun, but it also has emotional benefits.
Research published by the Journal of Health and Social Behavior found that sexual activity, especially ones that lead to orgasm, triggers the release of the oxytocin hormone. This hormone is responsible for mood elevation, stress reduction, and romantic bonding between partners.
The more physical intimacy there is in a marriage, the more oxytocin a man is filled with.
This hormone is so strong; some studies suggest that it is responsible for monogamy in males.
Without oxytocin, a relationship will suffer. A husband may no longer feel emotionally or physically connected to his wife.2. You’re turning into his mom
There is nothing sexy about being with someone who reminds you of one of your parents.
A wife who is a nag or treats her husband like a child won’t maintain a healthy marriage for long.
A husband may step out on his wife in favor of someone who makes him feel capable, masculine, and desired.3. He felt he was being used
Many think that husbands leave for another woman, but that isn’t always the case.
Men are natural providers. They were built with a caretaking instinct that makes them want to protect and provide for the ones they love.
But, if a husband feels like he is being used by his wife, he may want to leave the relationship.
Married men leave their wives in part because they begin to feel underappreciated.
One research journal suggested that expressions of gratitude not only make a partner feel special but contribute to self-expansion, greater relationship satisfaction, more commitment in the relationship, and heightened feelings of support.
If a husband feels unappreciated or that his wife is only with him for his money, he may see it as a reason to end the relationship.4. No emotional intimacy
Even men who aren’t crazy about sharing their feelings need emotional intimacy in their marriage.
Emotional intimacy is a deep connection where both partners feel security, love, and trust.
A lack of emotional intimacy contributes to poor relationship health and could be the reason why men leave the women they love.5. The relationship was emotionally taxing
Many women wonder, “Why did he leave me if he loved me?” because some breakups feel like they came out of nowhere.
The CDC reports that most partners think about getting a divorce for an average of two years before actually going through with it.
So while a breakup may seem to come out of the left field for the wife, her husband may have been feeling emotionally taxed for a long time before choosing to end the marriage.
Men may feel emotionally drained when there is excessive drama in their relationships.6. Lack of intellectual stimulation
Men want to be challenged by their partners.
A woman who is imaginative shares her opinions, and is consistently learning will keep her man on his toes.
On the other hand, if a husband feels like his wife is no longer mentally stimulating, he may start to lose interest in their marriage.7. Too much responsibility
One reason why men leave the women they love is because they feel they are taking on too much responsibility in the relationship.
Some reasons for this could be:
- The suggestion of moving or having to buy a bigger home
- The idea of having children scares them
- The prospect of taking on additional debt/feeling they are unfairly paying for the bulk of marital finances
- Lifelong commitment makes them wary
- Caring for a sick wife or taking in her family members
Attraction isn’t everything to a marriage, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t important. Attraction contributes to sexual enjoyment and heightens a couple’s connection.
Men want to feel attracted to their wives. However shallow it may be, a lack of emotional or physical attraction may be what makes a man leave his wife for another woman.9. He found someone else
The excitement of something new often makes men leave the women they love.
A new girlfriend is still in the mode of puppy-love. She doesn’t put up a fuss and is still doing everything she can to be the “cool girl” who will impress her new crush.
This is appealing to a man, especially if he is in the throes of an unhappy marriage or even a long-term relationship that has gotten stale.
But, there is a saying that “Every woman becomes a wife.”
This means that even the shiny, new, sexy plaything in a man’s life will eventually turn into a responsible wife who wants him to live up to certain standards.10. He feels FOMO
The Internet has made cheating on your partner easier than ever.
The wide array of dating apps, websites, and ads online can start to make men feel like their next great romantic conquest is just around the corner.
A husband who has FOMO about what other women may be available to him could cause him to leave his marriage.11. Fear of losing himself
One of the more common reasons why men leave the women they love is because they feel disconnected from themselves.
Now that they are in a committed relationship, they may find that they:
- Spend less time with friends
- Don’t have enough time for their hobbies
- Lost touch with who they were before getting married
The simple truth is that sometimes men run away when they fall in love. The emotional attachment he felt to his wife may have been too much for him to take.
A husband may have felt like he was losing himself and grew an intense desire to go back out into the world and remember his identity.12. He feels like he’s a project
Feeling like a project is what makes a man leave his wife for another woman.
No man wants to feel like he is constantly being worked on.
If his wife acts like he is a project or something to be ‘fixed,’ it may take a toll on his self-esteem and spark the idea of leaving in his mind.13. The relationship is toxic
Many wives might ask: Why did he leave me if he loved me? Sometimes the answer has nothing to do with falling out of love and everything to with being in a toxic relationship.
A toxic relationship is one where partners are unsupportive, and there seems to be constant conflict. Other signs of a toxic relationship include:
- Unhealthy jealousy
- Constant arguing without resolution
- Disparaging comments from or about partner
- Controlling behavior
- Poor financial behaviors (partner stealing money or making large purchases without a discussion as a couple)
- Consistent disrespect from wife
A relationship is toxic when partners bring out the worst qualities in each other.
Love isn’t always healthy. When partners are disrespectful and purposely hurtful to one another, it could be a good indicator of why men break up with women they love.14. He’s been hurt
Wife infidelity is a common reason why men leave the women they love.
It is hard to get over heartbreak, especially when the heartbreak was caused by being unfaithful or betraying someone’s trust.
If a wife has been unfaithful to her husband, his broken heart may cause him to end the marriage and find someone else to restore his happiness.15. Partners don’t spend quality time together
What makes a man leave his wife for another woman? A failing connection.
The Institute for Family Studies found that growing apart is one of the most common reasons why couples get divorced.
On the other hand, the Journal of Marriage and Family reports that couples who spend quality time together experience less stress and greater happiness. Couples who regularly spend time together improve their communication skills, sexual chemistry and are less likely to end up separated.
If couples are no longer giving each other their undivided attention, it may contribute to men giving up on relationships.16. Lack of respect
A lack of respect could be a big factor in what makes a man leave his wife for another woman.
- Signs a wife doesn’t respect her husband are:
- Keeping secrets from her husband
- Frequently giving him the silent treatment
- Using a husband’s insecurities against him
- Not respecting personal boundaries
- Not valuing her husband’s time
- Frequently interrupting her husband when he speaks
Respect is a key element of a healthy relationship. If a wife does not respect her husband, it could cause problems.17. Long-term relationship goals don’t match
Differences in opinion about the future of his current relationship may make men leave the women they love.
In order to have a successful marriage, couples need to be on the same page about where they see things going.
- Should they live together?
- Do they want to get married?
- Are they both excited about starting a family one day?
- Will they share or split their finances?
- Where do they see themselves living in five years?
- What role will in-laws play in the relationship?
Having strong, differing opinions on these subjects can make married life very difficult.
For example, a husband who wants to have children may make his partner feel guilty for not wanting the same thing. Alternatively, he may feel like he is giving up something important to him and grow resentful toward his wife.
When a man walks away from a relationship, it may be due to wanting different things from life than his spouse.18. Intimidation or competition
Men may say that they want a hard-working woman who is passionate
about her job, but if she is too successful, it may intimidate him.
Competitive men may not appreciate a successful businesswoman. A bruised ego or a lack of feeling dominant in the marriage could be a motivating factor in what makes a man leave his wife.19. Lack of appreciation
Men want to feel appreciated as much as women do.
Gratitude motivates partners to engage in relationship maintenance – keeping their marriage happy and healthy.
A regular show of gratitude has also been shown to predict a rise in relationship satisfaction, commitment, and investment.
Without gratitude, men may start to feel unappreciated in their relationship and seek validation outside the marriage.
In the video below, Chapel Hill describes her research into how gratitude affects romantic partners’ feelings for one another, as well as their style of relating to each other:
Sometimes the reason men leave the women they love has nothing to do with the woman being a bad wife or partner.
Sometimes, men just get bored.
After being in a long-term relationship for some time, a man might start to feel the itch to get back out there. Perhaps he wants to go through the thrill of the chase and experience something new sexually.
What makes a man leave his wife for another woman maybe because the opportunity has presented itself.
Put simply; he’s leaving because he can.
What does a woman think when her man leaves her?
Breakups are hurtful and distressing, especially when you’ve promised to stay together through thick and thin. A breakup or divorce leads to a decline in life satisfaction and a rise in psychological distress.
When a man files for divorce, his wife may be left wondering why do men leave their wives?
- Why did he leave me if he loved me?
- How could he walk away from his children?
- What are the reasons why men leave the women they love?
- This came out of nowhere!
- Why did he leave me for her?
These are all perfectly reasonable questions that a woman will want answers to. Communication with her partner can help shed light on what has gone awry in the relationship.
If a husband is willing, couples counseling may help bring the broken marriage back together and restore the trust lost along the way.
The wife left behind, surrounding herself with a loving support system of family and friends can help lower this distress.
When a man leaves his wife for another woman, does it last?
When a man leaves his wife for another woman, does it last? Studies suggest that it likely will not.
Statistics published by the Infidelity Help Group found that 25% of affairs will end within the first week of starting and 65% will end within six months.
If the affair continues to marriage, it still may not lead to a happily ever after. Research shows that 60% of all second marriages will end in divorce.Conclusion
What makes a man leave his wife for another woman? The answer often lies in boredom and opportunity.
If a man is bored in his marriage or believes something is lacking sexually or emotionally, he may start looking for reasons to leave a relationship for someone new.
Sometimes men run away when they fall in love, looking to rekindle the spark of singleness.
Why men leave the women they love could be any number of reasons.
Toxic relationships, being used, feeling emotionally spent, or meeting someone new could also contribute to what makes a man leave his wife.
A wife left behind may be wondering what happened to her once happy relationship. Going to couples counseling and communicating with her husband may help save the marriage.
6 reasons why men leave the family
Most men undergoing psychotherapy still strive to save their marriage. However, if their partner allows the problems to get worse and does nothing on her own, the situation is unlikely to change significantly, says psychologist Antonio Borrello.
“Most marriages recover from short periods of crisis of misfortune. After all, such recessions are absolutely normal, he says. - Nevertheless, there are couples who stretch these short periods for years, cultivate anger and apathy in themselves. Of course, few people want to live in such an atmosphere.”
But what exactly is the last straw for men who decide to leave their wife?
1. They don't feel valued
As a rule, men are ready to express love to their spouses and help them in everything. After all, it is important for them to realize that they are needed and useful. But if a husband feels that he is underestimated, he will soon begin to show only resentment in communication with his wife, says Alexandra Solomon, a psychologist at Northwestern University's Family Institute.
“In addition to sex and pleasant emotions, marriage also involves routine: partners have to agree on who will drive the car, how the mortgage will be paid ... Letting men take responsibility in such matters is important. Otherwise, they will feel disappointed,” she says.
2. They can't agree on expenses with their spouse
Many men who see couples therapists are often unhappy with their wife's poor financial decisions, says Diane Barth, psychotherapist and author of the blog Psychology Today Off The Couch. Especially often this problem is faced by men who earn more than their spouses or are the only breadwinners in the family.
“In counseling sessions, I often hear: “My wife spends all the money I earn.” At the same time, often behind this complaint is not greed at all, but the feeling that the spouse takes the partner’s efforts for granted, Barth emphasizes. “According to most of these men, the problem would be settled if only their wife recognized the contribution of a man to life together and thanked him from time to time.”
3. They were cheated on
Yes, betrayal is definitely a big factor in divorce. Nevertheless, Antonio Borello is convinced that infidelity is just the tip of the iceberg. “When a man ends a marriage because of infidelity, it is almost impossible to understand how much of his decision is directly related to infidelity, and how much to other problems in the relationship. It is unlikely that an affair on the side would have happened in a happy marriage, ”the psychotherapist notes.
4. They no longer have anything in common with their spouse
It must be admitted that all people change over time. However, according to Barth, many men tend to think that the woman they married ten years ago will be the same person today as she was on her wedding day. The reality is that if you want to stay married, you have to grow up together or you risk breaking up.
"I often hear men say, 'We don't have common interests anymore.' He wants to vacation in the Caribbean, and she wants to go to a luxury hotel in Paris. He would like to go to the cinema, but for several hours they cannot choose a film that both would like, she explains. “These differences, which seem so mundane and insignificant, not only make you feel like you are no longer on the same wavelength, but also inspire a feeling that you are no longer respected.”
5. They feel devalued
According to Solomon, most men who decide to have psychotherapy feel that their partner perceives their behavior, emotions and reactions as abnormal. “It is not uncommon for men who have not previously experienced abusive behavior to resort to it due to the fact that they are driven by a deep fear of not meeting the requirements of a spouse. As a result, their aggression and irritability play the role of a kind of protective mechanisms for them,” she explains.
“Unfortunately, in this case, couples often fall into a painful cycle: she feels lonely, so she criticizes the man, and because of this, he feels even more depressed, unworthy and inadequate and resorts to destructive behavior. And then, as a result, to divorce, ”adds Solomon.
6. Marriage lacks or lacks sex
According to Barth, when men in counseling complain about their lack of sex life in their marriage, the most common thing they mention is that their spouse no longer finds them physically attractive.
“Sometimes the fear of not being good enough in bed is so great that the man's psyche pushes it into the unconscious. In some cases, men do not admit to themselves what worries them. As a result, it turns out that it is easier for them to escape from such a marriage than to admit to themselves possible problems and start correcting them, ”the psychotherapist sums up.
Why do men go to the young
400Why men go to the young
To think that it is only a matter of a young body is very primitive. To play, to unwind - yes, but to go to the young one - these are completely different reasons. A man leaves the family when a woman does not give him the necessary energy. Men go to the young when they do not feel their authority and significance. Aggressive behavior is, by the way, also primarily an indicator that a man feels that he is losing authority.
The endless dissatisfaction of many wives, remarks, criticism, tears are perceived by a man in such a way that he is chronically dissatisfied. The woman broadcasts to him that she is "unhappy" and hopes that the man will feel guilty and begin to "correct". In reality, a man is never something that does not feel his guilt, for the most part men do not understand the essence of such claims at all ... “What kind of whims? You try, you earn money, but it’s not like that for her!”
And when a man's patience is overwhelmed by the negativity of his wife, he starts looking for another woman. The main thing he needs at this moment is admiration for him and complete approval. A young lady, beautiful, looking into the eyes with bated breath and admiring every word of her age-old hero, can seriously affect his life changes.
"Young, inexperienced," some men think. “I will bring her up for myself, I will fashion what I need.” And indeed, this form of living together is common - when a woman in a family plays the role of an obedient daughter, accepting gifts, not answering for anything, joyfully shifting all responsibility for her life to a wise adult husband. In reality, such stories often end in tears, as the "daughters" grow faster than everyone would like, and many "daddies" are again looking for younger creatures.
It happens that leaving for a young woman is associated with a delayed maturation of a man. Often, young guys feel insecure with spectacular girls, they believe that beauties are "too tough" for them. Well, then, growing up, such a man, along with the earned status and finances, acquires confident behavior with women who are really desirable and interesting for him. Often, such a man’s first wife appears from a story “on a whim”, or she simply married him to herself ... With the acquisition of male confidence comes the “internal permission” to live the way you want and with whom you want. This position is far from always shared by the women's community, usually calling such a hero a "goat" and writing down in the herd - "they are all like that." But, as they say, no one promised eternal love... and even if it didn't exist, then...
Immature men, who never got out of adolescence, can go to the young for their entourage, their external chic, flaunting a beautiful “thing” and enjoying it.
Almost 90% of the atmosphere in a family depends on a woman, and if a man left the family for a young woman, then, most likely, it was no longer possible to be in the family. The truth is that a man does not choose between women, he chooses between his condition and the feeling next to them.
Behind the screen of external well-being, a beautiful life, we have lost the most important thing - sincere relationships and trust. Family and relationships are eroded by consumerism, pretensions, expectations, and boredom. But in the general statistics of leaving the family for the young, this is far from the root cause. Few of the wives understand and accept that the husband is “not a second dad”, expecting and demanding unconditional love, generosity and acceptance from him, not a “theater” and “not a circus” that makes a woman’s life boring. But it is boredom that makes one look for sparks and fireworks of “joy” for minutes and hours, while no one cries about lost values, about kindred souls, about great love, because it is no longer clear at all, but in general, “what is it about?”.
The root cause is women's misunderstanding of the role of men, disrespect for them, high demands. Dissatisfaction of wives with their husbands, disappointment, sticking in the “role of a victim”, a constant mask of discontent on their faces are the main reasons for men to make decisions for global changes. They often want to take revenge on their exes so much that they are ready to marry “a model” just out of a desire to annoy them, so that they know “what kind of man they missed”!
And a man could simply fall in love and simply feel a few years younger, get carried away and "lose his head."
Therefore, very often the clever behavior of the wife can return the “breaking change” that has begun to its original state.
And there is something to think about!
Personal and family psychologist with 20 years of experience. Graduated from the Moscow Institute of Physics and Technology FALT, Faculty of Psychology, Moscow State University, K.