Mother daughter relationship advice

29 Tips to Improve Your Mother

If you have a broken mother-daughter relationship, empathy, active listening, and working on yourself can help improve the connection.

Share on PinterestIt’s possible to heal a mother-daughter relationship that has drifted apart. (MoMo Productions/Getty Images)

Human connections can be complex, and sometimes things happen that push people apart. Life can strain even the most significant bonds. The mother-daughter relationship is no exception.

Occasionally, differences between a mother and a daughter are irreconcilable. Other times, self-work, patience, and intentional effort may help heal and strengthen a broken mother-daughter relationship and yourself.

As a mom, not connecting with your daughter might be weighing on your heart. However, there are ways to work on your mother-daughter bond and open up spaces so your daughter feels more comfortable getting closer to you.

Be open-minded

Being heard and accepted is one of our greatest needs in relationships, says Kate Fish, licensed marriage and family therapist and owner of Graceful Therapy in Oswego, Illinois.

“When your daughter is opening up and sharing, be open-minded and nonjudgmental as much as possible. Ask questions and allow her to educate you about her experience, even if you already know the answer,” Fish says.

Emotional validation is critical to healing your relationship with your daughter.

Back her

As often as you can, take your daughter’s side. This can improve a mother-daughter relationship over time as she learns to trust and rely on you.

“There are plenty of other people out in the world that can play devil’s advocate. What we need more than a naysayer is someone to validate our experience and make us feel supported,” says Fish.

Practice reflective listening

Reflective listening involves paying special attention to the content and feelings your daughter is expressing when she talks. It’s about being emotionally available and letting the other person know they are understood.

“Show her that you’re listening and attuned by reflecting back what she is saying as she speaks,” says Fish.

Let her teach you

While the role of a mother can be about guiding and teaching, as your daughter becomes an adult, it’s important to allow her to also share knowledge with you, Fish says.

“Be open to learning new things from your daughter as a way of reminding her that you are in a two-way relationship and not just there to form her,” she says.

Give her space

Connecting also requires disconnection.

If you don’t ever spend time apart, Fish says, you may become unable to appreciate time together.

Depending on your relationship, taking a few days or weeks off from seeing or talking with each other can help make the time you reconnect even better.

Did you know?

According to a study published in the Journal of Neuroscience, mothers and daughters share a similarity in the brain that might influence how they handle their relationship.

The part of the brain (corticolimbic circuitry) that regulates emotion is more similar between mothers and daughters than it is between mothers and sons, fathers and daughters, or fathers and sons.

This may imply that moms can relate to their daughters more, and at the same time, it may explain why moms and daughters might challenge each other more.

Your mom may be part of your identity, whether you have remained close or distant during your life. If you’ve decided to heal your mother-daughter relationship, consider a few ways to open the doors to reconnecting.

Appreciate the role she’s played

Acknowledge and appreciate your mom’s role in your life and how she has helped you along the way.

This includes essential things like providing food and shelter to lessons she taught you.

Your mom may want to hear about all these things you cherish.

Show her gratitude

Fish suggests practicing and expressing gratitude for the traditions and values you have learned from your mother.

You can show gratitude by telling your mom verbally, by writing her a note, or giving her a gift.

Let your mom continue to influence you

Showing your mom that you still appreciate her input and knowledge about circumstances and situations you encounter can help her feel needed in your life.

For instance, turning to her for advice on a career choice, living situation, relationship, or parenting your own children can make her feel valued.

Let her be part of your family

While it can be hard for your mom to see you focus on your own family, allowing her to be part of your children’s lives can help bring you closer.

This may go beyond inviting her to hang around. You could also include her in family decisions, vacations, and important celebrations.

Dedicate time to continue traditions with your mom

While life as an adult can be busy, scheduling quality time to be with your mom may be an important step to getting closer.

Inexpensive options to consider might include having her over for dinner, organizing a picnic, going on a walk together, or helping her run errands.

Let go of shame

Learning to let go of the shame that comes with having complex challenges within relationships can help you heal, says Gina Moffa, a psychotherapist based in New York City.

“Society bombards us with commercials and movies that show mothers and daughters as best friends, which can lead to shame and confusion for those struggling with the desire for closeness versus the reality of sharp edges within the relationship,” she says.

Only you know the particular situations in your relationship. What you’ve experienced and felt is valid. If you want to heal yourself and your relationship with your daughter, it may be a good idea to focus on what’s to come instead of what’s in the past.

Break tradition

Some women may carry down generations of modeling that keeps them in traditions of not communicating their own needs or not acknowledging what those needs are. Moffa says understanding your own needs, fears, traumas, and unspoken desires can help create healthy patterns and dialogue.

“We have to be careful not to communicate in projection, as this is a way of missing the mark and only closing the possibility of deeper connection,” says Moffa.

Remember you were your daughter’s age once

To let your daughter in when interactions happen, Fish suggests putting yourself in your daughter’s shoes at her age.

“Remember that your daughter, much like you at her age, needs to learn to be her own person by experiencing and developing her own relationships. It’s not an expression of what you did wrong, but a sign that you’ve done something right if your daughter ‘leaves the nest,’” she says.

Know you are good enough

If you grew up with a dismissive mother or are hurt by past relationship experiences, Moffa says trying to understand the origin of the pain can help in not projecting it onto your mom.

She explains that most daughters may be balancing two things: how to be close to their mothers and how to be independent of them.

If a mother doesn’t behave in a loving and warm way or behaves dismissively or critically, a daughter may look for ways to connect while never feeling good enough.

“In this case, it’s vital for the daughter to be validated in some way in order to feel worthy enough for healthy connections in her life,” Moffa says.

Primary bonds impact adult attachment styles. It may be helpful to remember you’re not defined by your relationships — not even the one with your mother.

Empathize with your mom’s needs

Consider giving your mother grace and acknowledging that even moms have their own needs and limitations.

Your mom may have her own hurtful experiences that she is healing from, says Fish.

It may be a good idea to remember everyone’s doing the best they can with the resources at hand.

Avoid blame

You may feel inclined to sometimes blame your mom for strains in your mother-daughter relationship. Other times, you may point fingers at yourself. But learning to understand and communicate each other’s needs in a way that does not blame either of you can lead to a more honest connection.

“And therefore, the possibility of those needs being met or a connection to be created or strengthened,” says Moffa.

If either one of you has taken the first step to reconnect, these activities may help ease tension during those first times together.

Recreate a favorite memory or tradition together, such as having afternoon tea, making a family recipe, or doing each other’s hair.
Share a desire and a need each of you has for your relationship and take turns without interrupting or judging the answer of the other.
Take a few minutes to talk about or write down a few things you both have in common and build on that. For example, if you both like crafting, you could create a quilt together or if you enjoy sports, you may want to go to a game together.
Create a scenario where you have to be on a team together and get to use skills in a “you and me against the world, not each other” kind of way. This could be a board game against other family members or something more elaborate like an escape room.
Volunteer together at a local shelter or organization you both are passionate about.

The following questions can help you understand each other deeper. You could save an afternoon together where you sit down in a park or at home and initiate conversation.

What was the most important moment in your life?
What fears did you have in childhood that you have carried with you?
What has it been like being my mother/daughter so far?
What are some things you really appreciate about me?
What do you think is the most important thing for me to know as you?
What do you most wish for in this relationship?
What do you most fear about this relationship?
If you could change one thing in your life, what would it be?

“These sorts of open questions allow for each to be human, honest, and real with one another. The rules have to be set that there is no negative feedback welcome in this activity, as it is a time for each to be open with the other,” says Moffa.

It may be time to seek professional help if it is too hard to have a conversation without escalating or shutting down, says Fish.

Moffa notes that therapy can help heal a mother-daughter relationship if trauma, loss, or abuse occurred in the family or if mothers or daughters live with mental health conditions.

“No matter the reason, it’s time to seek help if both the mother and daughter wish to be connected but simply have too much trouble finding solid ground in their relationship,” Moffa says.

If you decide to take this step to heal your broken mother-daughter relationship, these resources may help:

American Psychiatric Association’s Find a Psychiatrist tool
American Psychological Association’s Find a Psychologist tool
Asian Mental Health Collective’s therapist directory
Association of Black Psychologists’ Find a Psychologist tool
National Alliance on Mental Illness Helplines and Support Tools
National Institute of Mental Health’s Helpline Directory
National Queer and Trans Therapists of Color Network
Inclusive Therapists

How to improve your mother-daughter relationship depends on the specific challenges you face. In any case, there are ways to strengthen your bond on your own or with professional help. Empathy, patience, listening without judging, and spending alone time can help.

29 Tips to Improve Your Mother

If you have a broken mother-daughter relationship, empathy, active listening, and working on yourself can help improve the connection.

Share on PinterestIt’s possible to heal a mother-daughter relationship that has drifted apart. (MoMo Productions/Getty Images)

Human connections can be complex, and sometimes things happen that push people apart. Life can strain even the most significant bonds. The mother-daughter relationship is no exception.

Be open-minded

Being heard and accepted is one of our greatest needs in relationships, says Kate Fish, licensed marriage and family therapist and owner of Graceful Therapy in Oswego, Illinois.

Emotional validation is critical to healing your relationship with your daughter.

Back her

As often as you can, take your daughter’s side. This can improve a mother-daughter relationship over time as she learns to trust and rely on you.

Practice reflective listening

“Show her that you’re listening and attuned by reflecting back what she is saying as she speaks,” says Fish.

Let her teach you

While the role of a mother can be about guiding and teaching, as your daughter becomes an adult, it’s important to allow her to also share knowledge with you, Fish says.

“Be open to learning new things from your daughter as a way of reminding her that you are in a two-way relationship and not just there to form her,” she says.

Give her space

Connecting also requires disconnection.

If you don’t ever spend time apart, Fish says, you may become unable to appreciate time together.

Depending on your relationship, taking a few days or weeks off from seeing or talking with each other can help make the time you reconnect even better.

Did you know?

According to a study published in the Journal of Neuroscience, mothers and daughters share a similarity in the brain that might influence how they handle their relationship.

The part of the brain (corticolimbic circuitry) that regulates emotion is more similar between mothers and daughters than it is between mothers and sons, fathers and daughters, or fathers and sons.

This may imply that moms can relate to their daughters more, and at the same time, it may explain why moms and daughters might challenge each other more.

Appreciate the role she’s played

Acknowledge and appreciate your mom’s role in your life and how she has helped you along the way.

This includes essential things like providing food and shelter to lessons she taught you.

Your mom may want to hear about all these things you cherish.

Show her gratitude

Fish suggests practicing and expressing gratitude for the traditions and values you have learned from your mother.

You can show gratitude by telling your mom verbally, by writing her a note, or giving her a gift.

Let your mom continue to influence you

Showing your mom that you still appreciate her input and knowledge about circumstances and situations you encounter can help her feel needed in your life.

For instance, turning to her for advice on a career choice, living situation, relationship, or parenting your own children can make her feel valued.

Let her be part of your family

While it can be hard for your mom to see you focus on your own family, allowing her to be part of your children’s lives can help bring you closer.

This may go beyond inviting her to hang around. You could also include her in family decisions, vacations, and important celebrations.

Dedicate time to continue traditions with your mom

While life as an adult can be busy, scheduling quality time to be with your mom may be an important step to getting closer.

Inexpensive options to consider might include having her over for dinner, organizing a picnic, going on a walk together, or helping her run errands.

Let go of shame

Learning to let go of the shame that comes with having complex challenges within relationships can help you heal, says Gina Moffa, a psychotherapist based in New York City.

Break tradition

“We have to be careful not to communicate in projection, as this is a way of missing the mark and only closing the possibility of deeper connection,” says Moffa.

Remember you were your daughter’s age once

To let your daughter in when interactions happen, Fish suggests putting yourself in your daughter’s shoes at her age.

Know you are good enough

If you grew up with a dismissive mother or are hurt by past relationship experiences, Moffa says trying to understand the origin of the pain can help in not projecting it onto your mom.

She explains that most daughters may be balancing two things: how to be close to their mothers and how to be independent of them.

If a mother doesn’t behave in a loving and warm way or behaves dismissively or critically, a daughter may look for ways to connect while never feeling good enough.

“In this case, it’s vital for the daughter to be validated in some way in order to feel worthy enough for healthy connections in her life,” Moffa says.

Primary bonds impact adult attachment styles. It may be helpful to remember you’re not defined by your relationships — not even the one with your mother.

Empathize with your mom’s needs

Consider giving your mother grace and acknowledging that even moms have their own needs and limitations.

Your mom may have her own hurtful experiences that she is healing from, says Fish.

It may be a good idea to remember everyone’s doing the best they can with the resources at hand.

Avoid blame

“And therefore, the possibility of those needs being met or a connection to be created or strengthened,” says Moffa.

If either one of you has taken the first step to reconnect, these activities may help ease tension during those first times together.

Recreate a favorite memory or tradition together, such as having afternoon tea, making a family recipe, or doing each other’s hair.
Share a desire and a need each of you has for your relationship and take turns without interrupting or judging the answer of the other.
Take a few minutes to talk about or write down a few things you both have in common and build on that. For example, if you both like crafting, you could create a quilt together or if you enjoy sports, you may want to go to a game together.
Create a scenario where you have to be on a team together and get to use skills in a “you and me against the world, not each other” kind of way. This could be a board game against other family members or something more elaborate like an escape room.
Volunteer together at a local shelter or organization you both are passionate about.

The following questions can help you understand each other deeper. You could save an afternoon together where you sit down in a park or at home and initiate conversation.

What was the most important moment in your life?
What fears did you have in childhood that you have carried with you?
What has it been like being my mother/daughter so far?
What are some things you really appreciate about me?
What do you think is the most important thing for me to know as you?
What do you most wish for in this relationship?
What do you most fear about this relationship?
If you could change one thing in your life, what would it be?

It may be time to seek professional help if it is too hard to have a conversation without escalating or shutting down, says Fish.

Moffa notes that therapy can help heal a mother-daughter relationship if trauma, loss, or abuse occurred in the family or if mothers or daughters live with mental health conditions.

“No matter the reason, it’s time to seek help if both the mother and daughter wish to be connected but simply have too much trouble finding solid ground in their relationship,” Moffa says.

If you decide to take this step to heal your broken mother-daughter relationship, these resources may help:

American Psychiatric Association’s Find a Psychiatrist tool
American Psychological Association’s Find a Psychologist tool
Asian Mental Health Collective’s therapist directory
Association of Black Psychologists’ Find a Psychologist tool
National Alliance on Mental Illness Helplines and Support Tools
National Institute of Mental Health’s Helpline Directory
National Queer and Trans Therapists of Color Network
Inclusive Therapists

90,000 mother and daughter: how to stop quarrel and start to be friends - May 23, 2012

Life

May 23, 2012, 15:45

124543

Discuss

I almost did not meet families in which there would be no conflict between mother and daughter. Sometimes he is explicit, with scandals and a showdown, and sometimes quiet, hidden under polite phrases. But the contradiction between mother and daughter almost always exists. And there are deep reasons for it.

Parental blackmail

How wonderful it is when a child is small. Mom loves her daughter, nurses her, takes care of her. But the girl grows up, and problems appear. Mom increasingly notices that her daughter begins to show her will, to do as she sees fit, she wants to decide for herself how to dress, make up, who to meet, when to return home. This is what the mother notices, but, unfortunately, does not see that her daughter has grown and become an adult. She got used to the idea that her daughter always obeys her, got used to the role of an authoritative mentor who has the right to teach, teach and "always knows what is best."

If she continues to oppose her daughter's independence, she may begin to express her independence through scandalous behavior. It is unthinkable to start smoking, drinking, putting on make-up and dressing up, getting pierced in all places, meeting “bad guys”, not coming home to sleep…

“There is parental blackmail as old as the world,” says psychologist Natalia Panfilova. “If you don’t do as I ask, then I will get upset, immediately fall ill and maybe even die, just to make you feel guilty.” Parents are very important people for us, however, this is not a reason for power games and blackmail. Adult relationships between parents and children involve the opportunity to be offended by a parent, express their critical opinion about his behavior, and even stop communicating for a while.

It is important to understand that a mother's opinion is very important for a daughter. She wants her mother to admire her, be proud of her, consider her smart, beautiful, successful - the best. And if the parent continues to instruct, criticize, give advice, then the daughter understands it this way: she does not suit her mother, she wants to see her differently, she believes that she needs to be improved and improved. This offends the daughter, hence the conflicts.

Crush with authority

But mothers hold fast to their position and do not want to lose it. Particularly difficult situations arise when the daughter marries and the mother tries to control the now life of her family. Showdowns, screams, scandals begin, in which all household members are involved. This behavior of the mother can even lead (and often does) to the destruction of a young family.

Here is a story from the life of a friend of mine. This is a smart strong-willed woman with an authoritarian character, who believes that she knows everything best of all. Her daughter has her own family. A friend thought that the grandson was too busy and, in addition to school, he was given too many responsibilities. Here you have English, and a pool, and figure skating ... According to a friend, the child was not allowed to rest. She taught, criticized her daughter, lectured her. Finally, the daughter could not stand it, there was a stormy scandal, and she stopped letting her mother into her life, sharing with her what was happening to them ...

In what areas do mothers most often intervene in the lives of their daughters? They try to dictate to them how to dress, what partners to choose, how to raise children, build relationships with a husband, how to run a household, what to buy and what not to spend money on. The range of issues that a mother tries to control is very wide…

Let go of the role of mentor

If a mother wants to establish a normal relationship with her daughter, then she must give up the role of mentor. She had a different mission - just a mother, the closest, dearest person, always ready to help and support.

Well-known American interpersonal expert Debra Tannen advises: “When a daughter becomes an adult, she has her own life, the details of which she does not always dedicate to her mother. The latter begins to feel excluded from her daughter's life. Any mother considers it her duty to help and protect her daughter, to do everything so that she lives as best as possible. And advice on how to act inevitably involves criticism. It turns out that it is the mother, in whose eyes the daughter wants to look perfect, who notices her shortcomings more often than others and talks about them ... Often the daughter does not need advice, but your blessing. Most of all, she needs your support. If your daughter asks for your opinion, instead of giving advice, praise her, cheer her up and tell her that she will succeed.

Extremes

Sometimes a mother with a strong character still subordinates her daughter to herself. What is the result? She cripples the fate of her daughter, who stays with her mother for life, does not create her own family, does not build her own nest.

More than twenty years ago, the daughter of my acquaintances entered the institute and fell in love with a fellow student without memory. For lovers, no one around existed: they walked holding hands, could not live without each other even a day. We decided to get married. But the daughter's parents "closed ranks" and said they categorically disagree. They say that young people must first get an education, settle in life. In fact, the girl's mother believed that the guy was not good enough for her daughter, she dreamed of a better groom for her. The parents transferred the girl to another university ... The case ended in a mental illness, and the failed bride remained disabled for life. She still lives with her mother, she has no family or children.

There are times when mother and daughter are close friends, they have a very close relationship. But I often observed such friendship only in those cases when both united against an alcoholic father. A common family problem united mother and daughter, they became the closest people.

Who owes whom

Star mothers and daughters also do not avoid such conflicts. For example, Lyudmila Gurchenko and Masha Rasputina had problems in relationships with their daughters. Hollywood celestials were no exception: Jennifer Aniston and Gwyneth Paltrow experienced serious conflicts with their mothers, Vanessa Redgrave and Goldie Hawn had problems with their daughters.

“The one who is the first to partially admit that he is wrong and takes a step forward will be right,” says psychologist Marina Sergeeva. - What is the use of confronting a loved one and proving your position? Make your daughter feel calm, and she will respond in kind. Do not argue, no one has yet come to goodness and understanding in this way. It's better to do everything with love. Psychologist Vera Komarova echoes her: “It is important to respect your daughter. If you want something from her, say it in a respectful way, without "must". Agree, find a compromise.

Yes, we raise our children, educate them, share with them our experience, life values, morality and ethics. When they grow up, the upbringing is already over. But don't worry, your daughter has soaked up all the good things you gave her. Now let her show it. Let her go and let her build her own life, her own destiny.

Inna Kriksunova, for Fontanka.ru

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A person among people

To tell about her painful relationship with her mother, 40-year-old Katerina writes the book “Mom, don't read! Confessions of an "ungrateful" daughter. In it, she lists in detail her childhood and adult attempts to earn maternal love, each time unsuccessful. She does not write for her mother - this is how she tries to get rid of the pain, which "stretched out for many years and has not subsided so far" ...

Natalia is 36 years old and considers her mother her best friend. “We often call each other, go shopping together, and every weekend I come to her with my children. We are very close,” she shares. And after a pause, he admits that the visits are not entirely voluntary. It is worth missing at least one, and she feels guilty. As in her youth, when her mother reproached her for selfishness, constantly reminding her of what she sacrificed in life while raising her “ungrateful daughter”... by forgiving her, nor freed from dependence and guilt. In other words, they never truly matured. Why is it so difficult?

“The relationship between mother and daughter is unique,” says psychotherapist Ekaterina Mikhailova. “They always have guilt and forgiveness, affection and rebellion, incomparable sweetness and incomparable pain, the inevitable similarity and its furious denial, the first and main experience of our “together” - and the first attempt to still be separately. ..

Competition. Struggle. Fear. A piercing need for attention, for approval. Horror before the power of this need. Love, sometimes manifesting itself in murderous, suffocating forms. The first experience of submission to power, "superior enemy forces" - and the very first experience of one's power over another person. Jealousy. Unspoken grievances. Expressed grievances. And above all this is the uniqueness of these relations. The other one won't."

Merge in order to separate later

In early childhood, almost complete merging with the mother is necessary for the child in order to survive. “The sense of security that arises from such a symbiosis helps him grow, mature and gradually begin an independent life,” says psychoanalyst Elina Zimina. “But if there was no such closeness, the desire to merge with the mother, to feel her unconditional love, may remain the most important, the main one.”

That is why so many adults look at the world through their mother's eyes, act as she would have done, hope for her approval and appreciation.

For a girl, a mother is a perfect omnipotent being of the same sex as her. It is later, from about three to six years old, that she begins to compete with her for her father's love. It is easier for girls to distance themselves from their mother compared to boys, for whom the mother becomes the “object of love”. But if this does not happen, the merger can turn into dependence: they see only similarities in each other, but do not notice differences.

An adult who continues to struggle with his parents most likely never separated from them

Staying in a close relationship with her mother, the girl ceases to grow up, because she does not feel like a separate person. And only by moving away, you can find differences: “how am I different from her?”, “What am I?”, “Who am I as a woman?”. By holding her daughter near her, the mother prevents her from finding answers to these questions.

“Gradual separation, separation from parents, creates within us the mental space necessary to feel our own characteristics and desires, including our femininity,” explains Elina Zimina. “It is the ability to distinguish between what belongs to me and what belongs to another.”

You can compare yourself with someone who is on equal or almost equal positions with us. However, for a child, a mother is a creature devoid of flaws. To see a real woman in her, you have to overthrow her from an imaginary pedestal. It is enough to recall the intensity of passions between adolescents and parents to understand how painful this deidealization is.

“When a teenager sees real people in his parents, the degree of hostility usually decreases,” says the psychoanalyst. “And an adult who continues to fight with his parents most likely never separated from them.”

But the separation does not end there either, and a girl who becomes a woman, a mother, has to establish a new distance with her own mother every time.

The third is not superfluous

Contradictions and conflicts, overt or hidden, are always present in the relationship between mother and daughter. “A mother can painfully experience the loss of her daughter’s unconditional love when, in the oedipal phase of development, she transfers her love to her father,” explains Elina Zimina. - Unlike girls, a boy at this age continues to love his mother. Therefore, in the relationship of mothers with sons, there are fewer conflicts and more harmony. And in the relationship of mother and daughter, there can be more conflicting feelings: in addition to love, they contain jealousy, envy and rivalry.

Both poles of maternal love are equally dangerous for a daughter: her lack and excess

In this connection, the image of the little girl who was once the mother herself clearly shines through. This image brings her back to memories of her own childhood, her relationship with her own mother, the experience of love and pain.

Both poles of maternal love, its deficiency and excess, are equally dangerous for a daughter. But the relationship of mother and daughter is not a relationship of two, but always of three people. “The father separates them and tells his daughter: “I am your mother’s husband and lover,” explains Elina Zimina. “At the same time, he supports his daughter, admiring her femininity, and makes it clear that later she will meet a man who will give her the desired love.”

The third person who helps mother and daughter separate from each other may not be only the father or the mother's partner. An idea, a passion, a job is something that can completely capture a woman’s thoughts so that for this time she forgets about the child, feels “separated” from him.

This role can, of course, be played by a psychotherapist. “With one“ but ”, which is often not taken into account in dreams and plans,” Ekaterina Mikhailova insists. “Any third person is a temporary figure: having fulfilled his role, he must fade into the background, making room for the development of relations.”

Far and near

Where is the boundary between a good, trusting relationship and complete dependence on the wishes and moods of the mother? It is not always easy to find the answer to this question. Especially now, when a friendly relationship with the mother ("mother-girlfriend") is becoming the ideal of many women. But often they hide the lack of distance, the very “uncut umbilical cord”.

Daily calls, requests for advice, intimate details - this is how it looks in life. But constant conflicts, and even a gap between mother and daughter, do not mean that there is no emotional connection between them. Distance is also not an indicator. “A daughter can be extremely dependent on her mother, despite the fact that they are separated by thousands of kilometers, or live with her in the same house and be independent,” says Elina Zimina.

A woman's natural desire to become independent can be hindered by her mother's desire to keep her by her side, often unconsciously. “Sometimes she perceives the separation of the child as evidence that he no longer loves her and leaves her - perhaps this is due to her own experience of sudden separation,” Elina Zimina gives an example. - She may not be sure of her own femininity and be jealous of her daughter's beauty. Or consider himself entitled to manage her life, because he sees his continuation in it. A single woman can look for a “substitute” husband or her own mother in a child.

If parents allow their children to be free, but are ready to support if necessary, then separation will take place peacefully

In response, the daughter manifests anxiety - fear of losing her mother's love, self-doubt, fear of men ... Some mothers want to keep their daughter at any cost, others, on the contrary, they strive to “get rid of” it as quickly as possible. At the first teenage attempts to declare independence, they say: “well, you are completely free and independent, you can live as you want.”

But behind this lies rejection. “Adult children also need support,” says Elina Zimina. “And if parents allow them to be free, but are ready to support if necessary, then the separation is likely to pass peacefully and good relations will continue. ”

The path to freedom

True independence comes when a woman critically evaluates her mother's attitudes, behaviors, and life scenarios. It is impossible to completely abandon them, because in this way she will be isolated from her own femininity. But to accept them entirely means that she, having remained a copy of her mother, will never become herself.

“Usually, those who manage to unilaterally “withdraw claims” and stop nourishing painful relationships with their hopes, grievances, or playing the role of an ideal mother or daughter, usually succeed in moving towards a seemingly desired, but still not advancing independence,” says Ekaterina Mikhailova . Too close relationship is mutual. Often it just seems that “mom won’t let go” - both are not ready to move into a new phase of the relationship, but the responsibility for this is usually assigned to the older one.

If we really want changes, we need to start with a few tough questions to ourselves, Ekaterina Mikhailova advises: “What am I hiding from myself, explaining all the problems of my life with pressure, influence, interference and the need to take care of one or the other? Maybe it's me who fills the emotional void with the game of fighting for independence?

Maybe the world behind me scares me so much that it's easier for me to stay in a strange mixture of duel, dance and embrace with that other woman? What do I hope for, continuing to sort things out, reconcile, quarrel, reproach - or pamper and please? Maybe, in the depths of my soul, I still believe that it will be possible to prove something, that “she” will agree, accept, approve . .. "

How do we know if we have really managed to become independent and have broken the mother's umbilical cord? This is so if we are no longer torn apart by conflicting feelings, no longer tormented by internal conflicts. If we ourselves regulate the degree of trust and distance in relations with the mother, without feeling guilty. We can objectively assess what we are similar and what are different from each other. And finally, if we feel that we are connected with the mother in certain bonds, but not tightly attached to her.

As adults, we begin to build relationships with mothers in a new way. However, with some of them, this is especially difficult to do. Psychologist Susan Cohen and journalist Edward Cohen list 10 common types.

Narcissistic . She dreams of seeing in her daughter a pretty doll who would think only of her mother.
Supervisory . She has a rule for every occasion. And every time she tells her daughter that she did not fulfill it.
Opinion dependent . He worries about what the neighbors will think - even when his daughter has long grown up and left the city.
Seductive . Always dressed in fashion, too short, too tight. She flirts with any man she meets, including her daughter's friends.
Asphyxiant . Helps even when the kids don't need it.
Borderless . Takes the successes and failures of his child very close, too close to his heart...
Critical . Reproaches everything that the daughter (not) does, as well as what she dreams about.
Closing eyes . Thinks things aren't going so badly, even when things can't get any worse.
Omniscient . She had long ago done everything that her daughter hoped to do someday, and much better than she did.
Accusing . Always dissatisfied, but waiting for the children to put their lives in order to satisfy her desires and dreams.

Text: Anna Fateeva Photo credit: Getty Images

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