Kid fingering herself
CyberTip Report
|
Copyright © 2023 National Center for Missing & Exploited Children.
All rights reserved.
This Web site is funded, in part, through a grant from the Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention, Office of Justice Programs, U.S. Department of Justice. Neither the U.S. Department of Justice nor any of its components operate, control, are responsible for, or necessarily endorse, this Web site (including, without limitation, it's content, technical infrastructure, and policies, and any services or tools provided).
This website uses MaxMind's GeoIP JavaScript Service
Parenting advice about a 5-year-old who really likes touching herself.
Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Thinkstock.Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Email [email protected] or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group
.
Dear Care and Feeding,
So this is an awkward question for me to write about.
My stepdaughter, who is almost 5, likes to rub herself on her car seat every time we are in the car. How do we get her to stop? According to my husband, she has done this for a while and it most likely started around age 2. He said that he and his ex-wife just ignored it. I remember masturbating as young as 4 and getting caught and being told what I was doing was “bad.” I don’t know how to gracefully tell her that it’s OK to do but not in the car or in front of other people. I don’t want her to be shamed for it (like I was) but I don’t want it to keep happening.
And for the record, I don’t think it’s a sign of something deeper like sexual abuse. I wasn’t abused, and still did it. Little kids masturbate and touch themselves! How can I have an age-appropriate conversation with her about it?
—That Song by the Divinyls
Dear TSbtD,
I can cheerfully tell you that this happens to everyone, and you’re pretty much right on schedule. I have fielded this question a lot from friends and family raising young kids, because I apparently seem like someone who has a lot of good opinions on touching yourself.
The best practice (barring any deeply pointless and ill-advised religious objections to this most natural and harmless of activities) is to start talking about … Privacy.
These things are fine, everyone does them … in Private. We touch ourselves there because it feels good … in Private. You see your kid doing it on the couch while we’re watching Daniel Tiger? Sweetheart, remember that’s something we do when we have Privacy.
It’s pretty straightforward. We attach all kinds of outsize meaning and significance to the act because we immediately fit it into the larger framework of human sexuality and relationships and whatever baggage we carry from our childhood and the fear of other people thinking our child is a Sex Pervert, when in fact your kid doesn’t attach any more importance to it than to scratching their elbow: It just feels nice.
This is a wonderful opportunity to do better for her than was done to you, but talk it out with your husband first so you can be sure he has your back.
If he would rather stick with ignoring it, well, that’s not at all worst practices, as you well know.
Now you just need to prepare yourself for what the parents of one young man in my life faced: “Mommy, Daddy, you need to go away because I need Privacy right now.”
Dear Care and Feeding,
My all-time favorite movie is the original Jurassic Park, and I would like to get a sense of when it will be appropriate to watch it with my daughter for the first time. She’s only 6 months old, so I have a lot of time to figure it out and ask for advice. I just really love Jurassic Park and am excited to share it with my own daughter like my mother did with me!
—Life Finds a Way
Dear LFaW,
As a fellow Jurassic Park enthusiast, I applaud your commitment to sharing the Good News even unto the 10th generation. To this day, seeing it with my father in THE THEATER in 1993, when I was a mere (counts on fingers) 11 years old, was the greatest experience I have ever had at the movies. And I think a year younger would have been fine? For me, no sooner, I was a bit of a wuss. You want it to be deliciously scary, squirmingly exciting; you want to tantalize and shiver the senses and the intellect, not provide fodder for their eventual psychotherapy sessions.
You are the best judge of what your kids can handle, and we’ve all met that 6-year-old who’s already louche and bored with our pathetic attempts to scare them. You could pop Event Horizon in for that kid and the only negative consequence would be his parents rightfully kicking the shit out of you.
Think about it when she’s 9, give it a whirl at 10. Pause and check in regularly, and if she seems a bit overwhelmed, find an excuse to save it for another year.
May all your enemies have venom unexpectedly spit in their eyes.
More Care and Feeding:
I Think My Mom’s New Husband Is Trying to Groom My Kid
Our Son Will Never Meet His Racist Grandmother. Can We Tell Him She’s Dead?
My Son Wants to Join the Army. Can I Get Him to Change His Mind?
Changing the ancient ways of the playground is like trying to hold back the sea.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My oldest child, Kae, is a lovely, spirited second-grader with many friends. As we walk to and from her classroom, she’s always waving to other children and calling them by name, and they all smile and wave back.
She also tells me every day after school that her day was “great!” But I’ve noticed that she doesn’t seem to have a dedicated “best” friend. When Kae tells me about her day, she sat with R at snack, played with B and C at recess, ate lunch with M, played basketball with T, etc. One of our neighbors’ children is in her class, and they play together on the weekend, but they don’t seem to play together much at school. Is this typical behavior? Again, she seems to have a great time at school and hasn’t complained to me about not having a deeper connection with other kids, but it is something I’ve noticed and am wondering if it is normal given her situation. She is our oldest, so this is new territory in so many ways. Any insight would be appreciated!
—No Bestie?
Dear NB,
There has been a bit of a push over the past decade to softly discourage kids from pairing up as best friends at school, and instead foster exactly what you’re describing here: a larger circle of enjoyable friendships. Sometimes this is good (I think we all had the experience of having our little hearts crushed by a best friend who got tired of us and left us to wander the playground like a penguin who lost his husband) and sometimes it’s just silly and oddly intrusive, depending on how it’s handled and how actively it’s done, like pretty much anything else in the world. Heartbreak comes for us all, and changing the ancient ways of the playground is like trying to hold back the sea.
Whether your daughter has organically wound up here or has been mildly conditioned by well-meaning teachers, “here” sounds … pretty good! She’s happy, she’s not complaining, she has lots of friends, and can also adapt to new people in different situations (at home, in the class, at lunch, and in the playground).
Kae is doing great. Way to go.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I’ve having my first baby in September. Do I need to buy a wipe warmer? It’s on all the lists but it seems excessive.
—In My Day We Had Icicle Wipes
Dear IMDWHIW,
I’m so happy for you! I am also happy for me, because I have a very firm opinion for you on this one: No.
—Nicole
- Advice
- Children
- Family
- Parenting
- Parenthood
Each age has its own prohibitions
Parents
How to assert your authority in a balanced, calm and productive way? To begin with, it is useful to part with the principle "do as I say, not as I do." To educate means to set an example, all our experts agree with this. It is useless to try to establish rules and laws that we ourselves do not follow.
The second principle is clarity and constancy. Saying “no” a hundred times a day, repeating the same things over and over is a thankless task.
But no child will learn fuzzy, ambiguous, arbitrary, or vaguely worded rules. If it seems to him that the parents themselves are not sure of the need to comply with these rules, the matter will be spoiled. nine0003
Another important principle is to respect everyone's place in the family. The basis of authority should be the consciousness of the difference in age. Children, even grown up, are still not adults in miniature. Treating them "as if on an equal footing", adults only cause them concern. The concept of generational difference is necessary for children to self-determine.
These principles apply regardless of how old the child is, only the content of the prohibition depends on the age. "Easier said than done!" You might think... and you'd be right. A few typical situations, on the example of which we will try to determine the main guidelines. nine0003
Up to 2 years
The child begins to walk and actively explores the world around him: the first rules and restrictions are aimed at ensuring his safety.
Encourage his discoveries, but point out the dangers. And firmly say "no!": He will understand you, even if he cannot answer.
“The younger the child, the more often the violation of the boundaries of what is permitted is associated with his natural curiosity, the desire to find out, try, feel,” explains developmental psychologist Galina Burmenskaya. “A properly organized space will help to maintain the necessary balance between “yes” and “no”: if possible, remove from the “action zone” what is dangerous for the child’s life and (or) valuable to you.” nine0003
We are responsible for our words
Any violation of the established boundaries must be sanctioned - only then our words will have weight. If we limit ourselves to threats, they stop believing in us.
“The child himself experiences a certain relief after being punished,” says Tatyana Bednik. “It allows him to make amends for his wrongdoing and free himself from guilt.”
Of course, punishment must be reasonable.
It makes no sense to force him to write “I won’t lie anymore” a hundred times. Let him clean up what he has soiled, return what he took without permission, do something useful. It is important to make the child understand the consequences of his actions: breaking the rules, he will imagine what he is doing. If (in exceptional cases) punishment did not follow, he needs to explain why this happened. nine0003
2 to 3 years old
He disagrees with nothing. This is the time when the child makes the first attempts to separate from adults, to find his own individuality, so do not be surprised if he refuses everything that you offer him. So he emphasizes his independence, independence. Be flexible, replay his stubbornness by switching attention to another activity. Rigidity and the use of force will only lead to defeat. When you forbid your child to run across the street or touch the outlet, explain that this is not just your whim, but necessary for his safety. nine0003
He hits other children, bites, breaks their toys.
Be firm in forbidding the child to hurt others and himself. “The ban on violence must be unconditional,” says Galina Burmenskaya. “This is the basis from which children learn to respect other people and the laws of society.” Sometimes parents use force to make the child feel what his actions lead to.
“When you are bitten back, you really feel that it hurts,” continues Galina Burmenskaya, “but such a “mirroring” is possible only in exceptional cases. Physical punishment is painful, humiliating, and causes fear and aggression in the child.” Talk to your child, every time look for words that will help explain to him that his behavior is dangerous, teach him to act without resorting to violence. nine0003
He refuses to eat. Pouting at the table is a common method of influencing adults. The child takes pleasure in tickling the nerves of the parents where they are especially vulnerable.
The more emotionally you react, the harder you try to force him to eat or entertain him by pretending to be an "airplane" and so on, the more he resists.
Do not support his game: dinner risks turning into a heavy duty, instead of becoming a moment of close communication. Relieve tension: with him, eat with appetite yourself, diversify the dishes that you offer him, and let him eat as much as he wants. nine0003
3 to 6 years old
He wants to marry his mother (to marry his father). Psychoanalysts call this age the period of the oedipal complex, when the child experiences love for the parent of the opposite sex and aggression, the desire to eliminate the parent of the same sex. This is the moment to form a clear prohibition against incest.
“A child needs to be told clearly that he will never be able to marry his mother (marry his father), says developmental psychologist Tatyana Bednik. Acceptance of this fact is the key to normal development. Children should also be prohibited from sleeping in the same bed as their parents.” nine0003
Prohibitions are best supplemented with a positive perspective: "When you grow up, you will also meet and fall in love with a beautiful woman (man).
"
Every child needs tenderness, affection, bodily contact with their parents. “This non-verbal communication helps children navigate life, gives a feeling of support from mom and dad,” says Tatyana Bednik. - If the child shows an excessive need for caresses, as they say, “sticks”, explain to him that tenderness can also be expressed with the help of words, that it is not at all necessary to touch each other and hug. Through the word, we will help him establish a distance.” nine0003
He masturbates in public. Masturbation is the natural exploratory need of every child. It is not worth banning it on one condition: if he sometimes does this, then in his room, where no one sees him. This is the perfect time to talk to your child about their body.
“Tell him that everyone has intimate places and no one has the right to look at them or touch them, since his body belongs only to him,” advises Tatyana Bednik. Also, do not let your child watch films "for adults": do not think that he "does not understand anything yet.
" nine0003
He refuses to go to school. The child is in unfamiliar territory with his own rules, and he needs time to adapt. In addition, he remains without his family for a long time, and this also needs to get used to.
Listen to him, try to understand his feelings, but don't be persuaded. Sometimes it is difficult for a mother to resist children's perseverance; at this moment, a third person may join the situation: a father, an uncle, or one of the family's friends. It is easier for him to explain to the child that the time has come to become an adult. But it often happens that psychologically at the age of seven or seven and a half, the child is not yet ready to start school life. A psychologist can help you figure this out. nine0003
“Good” and “bad” prohibitions
“Good” prohibitions give the child an idea of the limits that he cannot live without. "Bad" suppress his natural needs and desires, his personality. They run the risk of turning the child into an obedient object, subject to the authoritarian power of adults.
A few examples from real life.
- Sleep. We don't require the child to sleep if he doesn't feel like it... But we can tell him to go to his room at the set time. If he does not want to sleep, then he may well play and fall asleep later, but there should be no question of him leaving the room. nine0076
- Yes. We cannot require a child to eat if he is not hungry, or force him to eat something that he absolutely does not like. Only he himself can judge his appetite and his tastes. But you can’t cook “meals to order” for him every day. If he doesn't like one dish, let him move on to the next.
- Get dressed. The child may well choose the style and color of the clothes that you buy him. And the adult, for his part, has the right to determine the maximum possible price of the thing, explaining this limitation to the child. nine0076
- Study. In secondary school, the child can organize his own time after school. He is already able to decide when to start classes and what task to start with.
But his parents have the right to demand that the lessons be done by a certain hour.
7 to 10 years
He cheats in class. “Cheating is part of the code of honor of the children's community,” explains Galina Tsukerman. - To write off means to share, to help a friend. Remember: as a child, you probably taught your child to share toys and sweets, to help friends. At school, these good lessons are rethought in favor of cheating. nine0003
Try to point out that this is just not good for his classmates and that in the end cheating will do him a disservice as he deprives himself of knowledge. It is also important to understand what difficulties the child faced and why he had to write off again today himself. And of course, try to help him.
He doesn't want to clear the table, clean up the room. Recall how you reacted when your little daughter or son wanted to help wash the dishes. Maybe they sent you to play so you wouldn't be disturbed? nine0003
“Now, having grown older, children just continue the same behavior,” explains Galina Tsukerman.
At this age, you can talk to your child about what constitutes the basis of life in society - about the rights and duties of everyone, about the division of housework - and remind him that there are simply no rights without duties. Therefore, if a child wants, for example, to go to the cinema, he, for his part, must do what he is obliged to do.
When a child becomes a tyrant
All children are naughty or capricious. But where is the line beyond which a child turns into a tyrant? Children's psychologist Elena Morozova answers our questions.
Psychologies: What exactly does the term "tyrannical child" imply?
Elena Morozova: Whims help children to insist on their own, achieve what they want, express their anxiety or discontent. In a sense, this is a universal (childish) mechanism for communicating with adults. During periods of age crises (3 years, 11-12 years), disagreement with the elders, resistance begins to dominate.
This helps children grow up: they learn to understand themselves, to defend their opinion. nine0003
Some become tyrants at the moment when their demands begin to touch all areas of family life. They try to force their parents to rearrange their lives depending on their desires. Finding that scandal or tears get their way, the child uses them again and again and completely subjugates the parents. Pressure on adults can also be hidden: for example, a child may constantly complain that something hurts him.
Who is this tyrant child you describe? nine0030
This may be a boy or a girl, often the only or oldest child in the family. He often tries to dominate his mother than his father, especially when he feels her anxiety, helplessness.
How should parents behave? Be less empathetic?
Why is it necessary to be sensitive and attentive. We must learn to distinguish between manifestations of trouble and discontent. If the child is anxious, if he is sick, adults, of course, should help and support him.
When he is simply dissatisfied and blackmails them with his behavior, it is important to be consistent, patient and firm. nine0003
Should a tyrant be punished?
This will not solve the problem. It is important to understand what is causing his anxiety by asking him or yourself questions. And do not hesitate to contact a specialist if you feel confused.
Text: Olga Dolgusheva, Daria Mikheeva, Ksenia Kiseleva, Elena Shevchenko Photo Source: Getty Images
New on the site
Harmony with yourself: how to stop being afraid of loneliness
“I feel that I am falling into the role of a “victim”. How to stop complaining and get a job? nine0003
How to mentally prepare for relocation: tips for expats
Nostalgia or absurdity: Golden Globe winners announced And now he's talking to other women. How to be?
"The ex came back to get revenge?"
Empathy or psychopathy: what personality traits distinguish female sex workers - unusual findings from scientists
Self-knowledge or neurosis?
My three-year-old son fell ill, his temperature rose to 39.
5. Nurofen did not help and I called an ambulance. They gave an injection, but the nurse and the doctor noticed that Artem was pulling on the pussy. I notice that he does this periodically. I don’t attach much importance - he studies himself. And they insisted that this could be balanoposthitis (inflammation of the foreskin and glans penis), and he would become an onanist. They were ordered not to allow this and to force them to always walk in shorts. In clothes, he walks, but he was naked because of the temperature. Tell me, do you need to pull it? nine0161
No, don't. You came across a very anxious doctor and nurse, apparently for them a certain sense of shame and guilt for their own sexuality is relevant. By the way, this, as a rule, is the reason for the very common concern of adults about child masturbation. By itself, it cannot bring any harm, but the attempts of adults to somehow control it may well harm the child's psyche and, with some persistence, lead to the child's neuroticism.
Even in relatively rare cases, when a child masturbates obsessively often and this is definitely a neurotic manifestation, nothing needs to be done about masturbation itself - this is a secondary manifestation, a defensive reaction of the psyche. It is not she who should worry, but the neurosis itself and the fact that for some reason the parents did not notice it before masturbation. By the way, it will depend on the further development of neurosis whether protective psychological reactions will become a habit or, as unnecessary, stop. If masturbation is not the only (or one of the few left by parents) ways for a child to have fun, then he will not go in cycles in it. nine0003
A. Kolomiets , psychologist
Masturbation by itself does not lead to balanoposthitis. Persistent fingering of the penis by a 1-3-year-old child is very often associated not with pleasure and not even with self-knowledge, but with the fact that smegma, a lubricant produced by the sebaceous glands, accumulates under the foreskin.
In addition, after each urination, a few drops of urine remain in the preputial sac. This can cause irritation of the mucous head and foreskin, as a result - itching and a desire to scratch. But the head of the boy's penis is physiologically closed at an early age and, therefore, it is not particularly possible to scratch, hence the persistence of such attempts. For rehabilitation and soothing itching, baths with a decoction of chamomile are often enough. nine0003
Initially, in boys, the foreskin is attached to the head with gentle congenital adhesions - synechiae. As the head of the penis prepares to open, they separate on their own. This is facilitated by enzymes secreted by the sebaceous glands of the prepuce, masturbating movements, spontaneous erections that occur in a child, and even balanoposthitis, which quite often occurs when the head is opened. Inflammatory episodes are one of the mechanisms of resorption of synechial adhesions and removal of accumulated smegma. There is no need to be afraid of this state; despite the "terrible" appearance, it is quite easy to stop.
