How to survive a narcissistic coworker

6 Tips for Dealing With a Narcissist at Work, From a Psychotherapist

Amy Morin is a psychotherapist, author, and the host of "The Verywell Mind Podcast."
If you work with a narcissist, Morin says learning to manage your reactions to their behavior is crucial.
Ignore attention-grabs, stay calm, and focus on facts instead of feelings when discussing an issue.

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Listening to your coworker drone on and on in meetings about how great they are can become irritating fast. But long lectures from someone with a superiority complex won't be your only problem when you're dealing with a narcissistic person at work.

Not only will narcissists claim they're the best, they'll also insist they deserve the best. Whether they demand meetings are scheduled according to their preferences or they insist on getting the biggest office space, they'll urge everyone to give them special treatment. And they won't care who they hurt as they strive to advance their own careers.

While you can't control a narcissist's behavior, you can control how you respond to them. Here are some of the best ways to deal with narcissistic people at work.

1. Stay calm

Losing your temper, yelling, or sending a rash email will only fuel a narcissist's behavior. They will gain great satisfaction from knowing they have the power to upset you.

A better approach is to stay calm. Show them that you're in control of your emotions and no matter how out of line they become, you're going to manage your behavior and act respectfully.

If you find yourself losing your cool, step away or take a few minutes to calm down before responding. When you're calmer, you'll be able to think more clearly, which is key to successfully addressing an issue.

2. Establish clear boundaries

Create healthy boundaries that limit the impact a narcissistic person can have on you. Whether that means you limit the amount of time everyone gets to speak in a meeting or you excuse yourself from listening to their monologues about their greatness, set limits on what you're willing to tolerate.

However, be prepared for a narcissistic person to cross the line. After all, they think they're the exception to every rule. You may need to follow through with a consequence when a boundary is violated.

You can say something like, "I told you I wasn't going to discuss this issue again today so I'm ending the conversation now. Feel free to put your concerns about not getting the corner office in an email." This will show that you're willing to stick to your limits when they test you.

3. Focus on the facts, not your feelings

You aren't going to get a narcissist to adjust their behavior by telling them that they've hurt your feelings. Not only will they not care, but they also won't understand. They lack empathy by nature, so focus on the facts.

Rather than say, "I'm frustrated that you want to keep talking about this," try, "We've been talking about this for 30 minutes and it's not going to change."

Stay focused on their behavior, not your feelings or interpretation of what's going on. Sticking to the facts will keep conversations less emotionally charged.

4. Don't try to change them

A narcissist isn't going to change their behavior based on your feedback, so don't waste your time or energy trying to convince them to do things differently.

Accept that they're going to brag sometimes and trust that they'll use people to get ahead. When you expect them to keep those behaviors up, you'll be less distressed when they continue to be narcissistic.

5. Ignore obnoxious behavior

Narcissists love attention, even when it's negative, so it's usually best to simply ignore their obnoxious behavior.

When a narcissistic person exaggerates their accomplishments, arguing simply prolongs the discussion about how great they are. You may find changing the subject, walking away, or simply ignoring their comments not only preserves your energy for more important tasks, but it may also save you time.

6. Address abusive behavior

While it's good to ignore annoying behavior, abusive behavior should be addressed. If a narcissist puts you down or bullies someone in the office, take action.

Depending on the situation and your role, you'll need to decide what the best course of action is. You may address it directly if it's appropriate to do so or you may need to notify HR or a team leader about what's going on.

Managing your reactions

Despite the frustration you might feel when you work with a narcissist, there may be a few upsides, too. Often, they're good workers who take bold risks and are unafraid to point out potential pitfalls that others might overlook. So take a deep breath, work on managing your own emotions, and practice these steps to improve how you deal with a narcissist's air of superiority.

7 Ways to Cope With Narcissists at Work

Source: 123rf Stock Photo/Standard License

You know at least one narcissist or gaslighter at your workplace. In my book Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People — and Break Free, I have devoted an entire chapter to how your workplace (and you) can be turned upside-down by these master manipulators. A narcissist or gaslighter is the coworker or boss who:

Takes credit for your hard work
Gives you backhanded compliments
Ridicules you in front of your coworkers
Blames everything on you
Knows your weak spot and exploits it
Actively tries to get you demoted or fired
Lies to get ahead
Seems to compete with everyone to be "the best" at work
Spreads gossip about you, and denies doing it when you confront them
Sabotages your work
Pressures you to do something unethical
Gets jealous of your accomplishments instead of congratulating you

Their modus operandi (MO) is the same — they want to look good and be seen as the best, even if it means bringing others down.

The narcissist is into anything that will make themselves look better. While everyone at work initially is in awe of or looks up to the narcissist, eventually they figure out the narcissist's game. Eventually, the narcissist runs out of people to sabotage or blame — until a new hire comes along. Everyone else has learned to distance themselves. By this point, the narcissist has already done a lot of damage.

So how do you protect yourself from a narcissist in your workplace? Here are some tips. (Note: If you have any questions about your legal rights in the workplace, consult an attorney.)

Get everything in writing. If you are given verbal instructions at work, ask for them to be emailed to you. The best defense is to have documentation of what the narcissist said and when they said it. It's even better when it comes directly from a narcissist in email. You can also write down the narcissist's instructions and review your notes with them for accuracy. Consider keeping written documentation of issues with the narcissist — date and time of the event, what happened, and as much verbatim (exact) quotes as possible. If you need to consult with an attorney or management later on, you'll have everything already written down.
Avoid a fight. The narcissist looks for ways to take you down — whether it's getting you demoted or fired. Avoid giving them that opportunity. Narcissists are famous for finding your weak spot and exploiting it. This means that they seem to have a special power in finding what other people are sensitive about. The then use this as ammunition against you. Let's say the narcissist knows you have kids (you've mentioned your kids to your coworkers and have pictures of them in your cubicle — normal things in the office). If the narcissist feels you have "injured" them in some way, they may make a comment just loud enough for you to hear, questioning your ability to be a good parent. This comment will have nothing to do with the issue at hand — the narcissist just knows that questioning your biggest role in life will push your buttons and set you off. Do not give them the satisfaction. Keep in mind this person is sick — and then with all your strength... walk away. Then document the date, time, location, and direct quotes of this interaction.
Realize it's not personal. You may have the misfortune of being the narcissist's main target. The narcissist usually zeroes in on people who are performing better than them at work, or has a good set of friends in the workplace. The narcissist hates anyone that is perceived as "better" than them. Keep in mind that the narcissist's behavior towards you has nothing to do with you — it is all about them, and the deep insecurity they feel. Yes, that's right, the narcissist is deeply insecure — even though they appear to be the exact opposite. Realizing the narcissist's behavior is not a personal attack can make it easier to walk away.
Don't give personal information or opinions to the narcissist. The narcissist is known for the classic, "What do you think of [coworker]?" Watch out for this trap. If you give any answer, the narcissist will twist what you said and tell that coworker. Even if you said "I think Sally is great," the narcissist may tell Sally that you think she is great, but that she needs a lot of improvement. The narcissist is an emotional vampire, and can sense when people have hit a rough spot. If you share personal information, like the fact you are going through a divorce, you can almost see the narcissist light up with this new information. Best defense? Change the subject. Walk away. Anything but give up information.
Have a witness. If your narcissist coworker says they need to speak with you privately, consider bringing someone with you as a witness. Having a witness present may make the narcissist think twice about saying or doing something. Having a witness also means that if the narcissist tells your boss a lie about you or an interaction they had with you, you have someone that saw the events and can back you up.
Avoid contact. This is an effective step, but can be one of the hardest to do. One of the best ways not to get sucked into the narcissist's games is to refuse to engage with them. Granted, they may be in the cubicle next to you. If you must interact, keep information to "just the facts." See number 4 on why you want to stick with just the facts and not give opinions. If working by the narcissist is affecting you, consider asking for a different location in the same building or floor. If you have any questions about your rights in this, consult an attorney.
Know your legal rights. Narcissists will sometimes do just enough without it being illegal — they know very well what they are doing. However, many times they wind up crossing that legal line. It is important to know your legal rights in the workplace — especially if the narcissist is your boss. There is a power differential there — and the narcissist may use it to their advantage. According to the US Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC), generally an employer is not allowed to discriminate against you or treat you differently based on age (if you are 40 and older), race, beliefs, national origin, disability, genetic information, or sex (this includes your sexual orientation, gender identity, and pregnancy). The EEOC also states that generally your employer is also not allowed to make your work conditions so intolerable that a reasonable person would find it impossible to stay. The EEOC can give you more information about your rights. Rules can differ by employer.

Harassment is also a violation of your employee rights, according to the EEOC. This includes being harassed for reporting violations by your employer. You can find out more from the EEOC. The EEOC site also gives the steps they recommend if you feel your rights are being violated. In addition, there are labor attorneys with whom you can consult.

For more, please visit my website.

How to work with obnoxious colleagues. Part one. Daffodils

Irina Balmanzhi

“This man is terrible. How can you work with him at all? A real jerk!" Each of us has said or thought something like this at some time. Especially for those who have to endure obnoxious colleagues, professor of psychiatry Jodie Foster has compiled a detailed guide "Assholes under control. "

The purpose of the book is to explain the reasons for the behavior of such people and show how to contact them in order to reduce the degree of tension. The author urges you to use this information only for peaceful purposes, and not for making offensive diagnoses. Treat colleagues with sympathy and understanding, try to make communication as fruitful as possible. nine0004

And now let's get acquainted with the world of eccentrics. Let's start with narcissists - the main candidates for "nuts" at work. These are emotional, defiant, eccentric, self-centered and unpredictable people. But what lies behind the mask of self-confidence?

Who are narcissists

We need faith in ourselves and our abilities in order to dream, plan for the future, set goals and achieve them. But an over-inflated ego is extreme. Surely you have met people who are completely unable to take criticism, obsessed with themselves, arrogant, arrogant and smug. nine0004

The narcissist gives the impression of a person confident in his superiority over others. He always talks only about himself, his merits and achievements, he is not interested in other people. Considering himself underestimated, he is always waiting for praise, asking for compliments and trying to get others to finally recognize his outstanding qualities.

The narcissist can talk endlessly about himself: "I did this", "I have this", "I'm going to get something". He seems to be calling: "Pay attention to me!" Source

Sometimes narcissistic employees become completely unmanageable: they can insult colleagues, raise their voices, throw objects in fits of anger and not feel any guilt.

All the actions of such people are aimed at inflating self-esteem. By putting others down, they feel more important. By blaming others for their failures, they get rid of doubts about their own competence. Narcissists can't bear the thought of being wrong about anything.

Oddly enough, this model of behavior is formed on the basis of the strongest self-doubt. Imagine what a narcissist's childhood could have been like. Probably, status and achievement were most valued in his family. Parents set the bar too high for him, constantly criticized him for not meeting the ideal, and forgot about the most important thing - emotional support for the child.

Deep down, narcissists are very vulnerable. Their behavior is a defensive reaction that allows them to preserve their fragile self-esteem and emphasize their own importance. They are afraid that they will not live up to expectations and turn out to be not so wonderful at all. Hence the sharp rejection of any criticism, belittling other people's merits, touchiness, outbursts of rage and the desire to be in the spotlight. nine0004

No matter how confident they look, their behavior does not bring them joy. Internal struggle, dissatisfaction, emptiness - that's what they live with.

The narcissist can attribute to himself the successes that the whole team has achieved, and, on the contrary, shift the blame for failures to others. He is able to quickly climb the career ladder, as he easily convinces everyone of his professionalism. But working with such a boss is incredibly difficult. In a leadership position, he behaves as if there are only two points of view: his and the wrong one. nine0004

A narcissist-manager may yell, intimidate, violate job descriptions, behave unfairly. He is sure that he has every right to do this - source

In the pursuit of high status, the narcissist can curry favor with the leadership and in all ways achieve the favor of influential people. For the same reason, he breaks off old acquaintances if he considers that they harm his reputation (for example, having received a promotion, he stops dining in the company of former colleagues).

Hostility, arrogance and arrogance are traits common to most narcissists. But sometimes narcissistic people show themselves in a completely different way. For example, they spend a lot of time making friends with colleagues. However, their goal is still the same - to endlessly inflate their own self-esteem. They too obsessively seek the sympathy and approval of others, try to please everyone, constantly talk about themselves and wait for assurances of their impeccability. The problem is that this behavior annoys everyone. nine0004

How to work with narcissists

So, what should you do if you recognize your colleague in this description? There are several strategies to reduce stress when working with a narcissist:

1. Do not skimp on compliments, praise this person, celebrate virtues and achievements, emphasize his importance. Of course, without any irony. By fueling the narcissist's ego, you can avoid insults and sudden outbursts of anger from him. Be prepared for concessions. Remember: such a colleague is able to turn into hell the life of anyone who dares to object to him. nine0004

2. If you want to reprimand or ask him for something, wrap your words in a compliment. For example, this can be a reminder of deadlines: “I can’t wait until Thursday to finally see your presentation! You must have a lot of interesting ideas. ” Or to hint at inappropriate behavior: “Your speech was very informative. You've laid everything out nicely. But maybe you shouldn't have called all of your colleagues' questions stupid. It offends people and prevents them from perceiving the important information that you want to convey to them. nine0004

When communicating with a narcissist, it is necessary to soften criticism with something positive, otherwise he will see in your words only an insult and a threat to his self-esteem.

3. Pay more attention to him. Do not forget to wish him good morning and a good weekend, because the lack of interest in his person can also be perceived as an insult. Also, respond immediately to his requests. Ignoring a letter from a narcissist or not going into his office at the first call is a sure way to ruin a relationship with him. No matter how annoying you are that you are forced to indulge him, it is better than to endure harassment, humiliation and other vengeful antics later. nine0004

Keep your emotions in check and try to avoid spontaneous reactions when dealing with a narcissist.

4. Take care. No matter how good your relationship is, the narcissist will easily set you up for their ambitious goals. Do everything to protect yourself from such troubles. For example, if you want to share your ideas with him, invite a third party to discuss - this way you can protect your copyrights.

5. Although the narcissist is not interested in the emotions of others, try to explain to him how he affects people. It is important not to blame him, but to say something like: “Can you imagine how she felt at the moment when you called her an empty head? What if someone told you so? Offer to look at the situation through the eyes of another person. This sometimes works, especially if you insert a remark between pleasantries. nine0004

6. Show the narcissist that no one expects perfection from him. It can be noted that he is engaged in a really complex project. At the same time, it is important not to single him out from the team and not give him reason to feel underestimated. For example, say casually: “We are all a little nervous about these deadlines. Personally, I worry that I won’t be able to cope with everything.” Hearing such a phrase, he will experience relief and weaken his self-defense.

7. Try moving the narcissist to a position that involves short-term contact with people. He can be quite successful in sales and consulting where there is a steady stream of clients. For him, this is better than being surrounded all the time by those who every day have to endure his terrible character. nine0004

8. If the situation has gone too far (for example, throwing stools), the manager should clearly explain to the narcissist that such behavior is unacceptable and the next conflict is fraught with problems - demotion, reduction in salary, and even dismissal. In some cases, the only right decision is to part with a problem employee.

Each of us can contribute to a healthy work environment. You may be insanely annoyed by someone's behavior, but always ask yourself if you have tried to change the situation for the better. Sometimes elementary sympathy for a person is enough to see everything in a different light. nine0004

P.S. Your negative reaction may mean that you yourself have traits that you dislike in others. If certain people evoke too strong emotions in you, do not forget to look in the mirror.

To be continued…

Based on the book “Assholes under Control”

Post cover from here

How to argue with a narcissist without unnecessary screams and emotions: 9 tips from a psychologist

with narcissistic personalities, there would be only one answer - no need to argue with them under any circumstances. You will only waste your strength. However, in ordinary life we inevitably have to deal with such people. Retelling Vice's material with advice from a psychologist on how best to survive a conflict with a narcissist without sacrificing your comfort. nine0004

Who is a narcissist?

It is worth noting right away that narcissism is not a diagnosis, but a pattern of behavior. Since 1968, the American Psychiatric Association has used the term "narcissistic personality disorder" to refer to a pathological form of narcissism. However, this material provides recommendations for communicating with people who are within the conditional norm. Among the characteristic features of narcissists:

arrogant behavior;
low level of empathy;
constant search for recognition and attention;
sensitivity to criticism;
difficulty in controlling emotions.

There are different forms of narcissism - from milder (does not greatly interfere with the life of the person himself and his loved ones) to severe (with dangerous manifestations in the form of constant toxic or aggressive behavior). Most often, narcissists are not confident in themselves, so their argument during an argument is not aimed at resolving the conflict, but at protecting their own fragile ego. nine0004

Why is it impossible to argue with narcissists?

Conflicts are very important in a healthy relationship - they allow you to hear each other's opinion in a respectful way, perhaps point out weaknesses, and also come to some kind of final solution and compromise. This whole plot is impossible in the case of a dispute with a narcissist. The main reason for this is gaslighting (a form of manipulation, the victim of which begins to doubt himself and, eventually, loses his sense of importance, confidence in his identity and the ability to objectively perceive himself). It can manifest itself in such phrases as “it never happened”, “stop making an elephant out of a fly”, “you have no right to be offended / experience these emotions with me”. nine0004

The narcissist is unlikely to admit his guilt - he will defend to the last the position that he is right, and everyone else is lying or misunderstanding the situation. However, there are tips that can help you get through an argument safely and without wasting emotional resources.

Don't settle for all conflicts

Most conflicts with narcissists are a waste of time and should be avoided if possible. However, in some cases it is not so easy. Try to highlight specific conflict topics that you are willing to spend your energy on - perhaps these are family or financial issues. Don't settle for every argument. nine0004

Remain calm

If someone starts yelling at you, don't do the same in return. Imagine that you are talking to an angry three-year-old child - speak in a calm and measured tone. Remember, if you start overreacting, the person may suddenly change mood and say, "Hey, you need to calm down - why are you so excited?" As a result, you will feel lost and start to defend yourself. nine0004

Do not defend or explain yourself

When you argue with a narcissist, remember one thing - this person is not trying to hear and understand you. He has his own clear position, which he will prove to the last. With many of his arguments, he may deliberately hurt you - put pressure on weak points and look at the reaction. No need to start defending yourself - it's useless.

Remember the real facts

Gaslighting works especially well if you are insecure. If you are told that “you are too sensitive” or that “there was nothing like that”, do not try to argue with it in any way - this will only aggravate the situation. Mentally smile, realize that they are trying to manipulate you now, and continue the dialogue in a calm voice.

Stick to the main line of the conflict

In conflict, narcissists like to digress and avoid the original question as much as possible—especially if they feel like their argument is not working. For example, you pointed out to a colleague that he was late in the morning, to which you hear in response: “I can’t believe you are making such a big problem out of this.” Not even two minutes pass, and the narcissist is already analyzing and discussing your day mode. If you notice this behavior, nod politely and, without commenting in any way, return to the main question.

Don't bring up old hurts (even if the narcissist does it himself)

During conflict, narcissists will remember mistakes and stories that are years old. Remember - you don't need to make excuses for them. Try saying, "Now, let's keep our focus on the current problem or we'll never get anywhere. " If everything returns to old grievances, you can approach everything with more empathy (not the fact that this will be effective): “Yes, I said and did that. I understand that it was wrong. However, now it is important to deal with the problem that is hindering us right now.” nine0004

Remember that you can always end the conversation

If the conflict escalates into shouting and accusations, you can always end the conversation. You should not do it loudly and defiantly, slamming doors. Calmly say, “I don’t think this conversation is going to be very productive for both of us right now. So I'll probably take a break." If you feel you need to revisit the discussion, do so when you're ready.

Boring a narcissist

Narcissistic people like to argue and swear. They will provoke, insult and put pressure on weak points. Most of all, they will be annoyed by your calmness - at some point they will simply get bored with you. Don't be a source of strength and resources for the narcissist.

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