Is my parent abusive

15 Signs You Had An Emotionally Abusive Parent But Didn’t Know It

Self

#9: They were over-involved in your life.

by Natalia Lusinski and JR Thorpe

Updated: Feb. 23, 2021

Originally Published: Aug. 3, 2018

Debrocke/ClassicStock/Archive Photos/Getty Images

You might think of your upbringing as healthy, but perhaps there were some signs your mom or dad were not as unconditionally nice as they could have been. Maybe you consistently brushed off their behavior or made excuses for it — “They were just having a bad day.” Or maybe now, as an adult, a friend tells you about their emotionally abusive mother — and their experiences feel eerily familiar. Growing up with an emotionally abusive parent can be confusing. When this realization hits, it can change the way you interpret all your memories of childhood.

“Emotional abuse is often used interchangeably with the term psychological abuse,” Carolyn Cole, LCPC, LMFT, NCC, tells Bustle. "Emotional abuse is abusing someone in ways that can be seen as traumatic. It is making someone feel like they are less-than, worthless, or not good enough. This can be incredibly painful when a parent does this to a child, as a child trusts that a parent is going to love them unconditionally.”

Cole says that once someone is able to understand what they experienced, they can become aware of how it impacts them as an adult. Then they can work with a therapist to make changes in the way they interact with others.

If you’re curious about signs that you had an emotionally abusive parent, below, experts weigh in.

1 They Were Overly Moody

It’s important to recognize how moody your parent was while you were growing up. “If a parent’s mood swings made you feel like you were always walking on eggshells and you were always nervous or scared of what would happen when they were around (even if nothing ‘bad’ ever happened), that’s emotionally abusive behavior,” Christi Garner, LMFT, tells Bustle. “This higher level of stress while growing up causes changes in the body and brain, and can have long-term effects on health."

2 They Were Overly Critical & Negative Toward You

Garner feels that an overly critical parent who focused on the negative things about you counts as emotional abuse. “If you still can hear their negative comments in your mind, and you can trace them back to your parent, or they still say these things to you daily, you know they are taking their negative feelings about themselves out on you, which can lead to self-esteem issues and insecurity," she says.

As a result, as an adult, you may find that it’s hard to turn off the negative self-talk, according to Tom Bruett, MS, LMFT. “Notice if you are extremely hard on yourself,” he tells Bustle. “Typically, it can be the voice of a critical or abusive parent that we have internalized.”

3 They Invalidated Or Dismissed Your Emotions

Just as you’d like a romantic partner to be emotionally available, think back to whether your parent was, too. “One example might be a child being told they are too sensitive,” Cole says. “Another is a child saying they felt like they wanted to harm themselves and being told they are just trying to get attention.”

4 They Were Passive-Aggressive

When someone’s passive-aggressive, they don’t tell you what’s really bothering them. “If you had a parent who was passive-aggressive, pleasant on the surface, but cold underneath, it’s likely a sign of emotional abuse,” psychotherapist Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., tells Bustle.

5 They Were Overly Anxious

“If your parent was overly anxious and always asking for you to help them or take care of them or their needs, the child inherits a piece of that anxiety,” Garner says. “The heightened level of anxiety can also lead to increased levels of cortisol in the child, which has been shown to cause health-related problems later in life.”

6 They Guilted You

You can probably recognize when someone guilts you into doing something, and it’s critical to think back to whether your parent did this, too. “An emotionally abusive parent guilts you,” Cole says. “They may say something like, ‘I gave up so much to have you and you treat me like this.’”

7 They Gave You The Silent Treatment

Isn’t it frustrating when you want to discuss a problem with somebody and they choose to ignore you instead? Well, such is the case with an emotionally abusive parent, too. “They gave you the silent treatment,” Cole says. “If you upset them, they shut down and ignored you until you apologized to them.”

8 They Were Physically Present, But Emotionally Absent

Was your parent there, but not really there? “Another indicator of emotional abuse is if you had a parent who was physically present, but otherwise absent — working on the computer, phone, or locked in a home office, talking to everyone but you, or lost in a drug- or alcohol-induced haze,” Tessina says. “Now, as an adult, you may not know how to interact with people in a healthy way, or you may feel disconnected and lost. ”

9 They Were Over-Involved In Your Life

“If your parent was over-involved, to the point of constantly looking through your journals, social media accounts, watching your emails, and always dropping in on your conversations, they might have been emotionally abusive,” Garner says. “Being overly involved in everything you did and not giving you appropriate space (physical, mental, and emotional) could be a sign of enmeshment.”

10 You Blame Yourself For Other People’s Bad Behavior

When someone mistreats you and you blame yourself, not them, it may be another sign your parent was emotionally abusive. “If someone hurts you or treats you badly, that’s on them,” Bruett says. “However, sometimes as children, we learn that we have to put up with people treating us badly in order to survive. As adults, we can recreate these dynamics in other relationships.”

11 You Exhibit Self-Destructive Behavior(s)

If you’re demonstrating self-destructive behavior, it may be another sign that a parent was emotionally abusive. “Self-destructive behaviors, like addiction, risky sex, or self-harm, can be coping skills for handling big feelings,” Bruett says. “Of course, not all people who exhibit these behaviors have had abusive childhoods, but there is often a higher chance that this is the case.”

12 Deep Down, You Feel Anger Toward Your Parent(s)

To this day, if you still feel anger toward your parent, it may be because of how they acted toward you in the past. “The parent in question may be nice to you now, they may treat you reasonably well, but you have an anger, a rage, or an angst when you think about them,” clinical psychologist Joshua Klapow, Ph.D., tells Bustle. “You may actually not be able to explain why, as you may have blocked out the abusive actions."

13 You Still Fear How Your Parent Will React To Most Of Your Decisions

If you still fear how they’ll react to most of your life decisions, you may have had an emotionally abusive mother or father. “You make decisions on your own, but with the thought and anxiety that your parent won’t approve,” Klapow says. He says this is because a parent who was hypercritical of their children set up a situation where kids become afraid of making choices. “This doesn’t assure that abuse was present, but it’s a sign that the parenting style was harmful.”

14 You Try To Manage Your Partner’s Emotions

Relationship specialist Jen Elmquist, MA, LMFT, believes that a clear indicator that you had an emotionally abusive parent can be found in how you act toward your partner. “When parents struggle to regulate their own emotions, children learn to take care of their feelings for them,” she tells Bustle. “This is a result of being parentified, a role reversal where a child adopts the responsibility of the parent because the parent isn’t capable of managing on their own.”

Elmquist says this may present itself in various ways in your current romantic relationship, including saying "I'm sorry" when you don't mean it, and feeling guilty for no reason.

15 You’re In A Toxic Relationship

If you find you often pick romantic partners that have traits like your parent(s), both good and bad, it’s something to be mindful of, Bruett says. “Oftentimes, we pick partners that make us feel familiar,” he says. “If we came from an abusive or neglectful household, we tend to attract people who will treat us the same way. Of course, you can break the cycle, but the first step is noticing it.”

“Sometimes, people have no idea their parents were emotionally abusive until they get older and learn more about their friends’ or partners’ families,” Cole says. “That’s when they realize that what they experienced wasn’t healthy.”

If you feel some of the signs resonate and that the way you were raised affects your relationships — interpersonal and/or romantic ones — it’s best to seek help via a therapist.

Experts:

Tom Bruett, MS, LMFT.

Carolyn Cole, LCPC, LMFT, NCC

Jen Elmquist, MA, LMFT

Christi Garner, LMFT

Joshua Klapow, Ph. D

Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D.

This article was originally published on Aug. 3, 2018

Am I Being Emotionally Abused by My Parents? 6 Signs and Getting Help

Emotional abuse can manifest in many ways including intimidation and comparing you to others.
Other types of emotional abuse, like neglect, may happen if the parent has a mental health condition.
Parental emotional abuse can cause long-lasting damage to a child's mental and physical health.

Emotional abuse is the most common form of child mistreatment. About 36% of the adult population reports experiencing emotional abuse during childhood, typically from parents or caregivers.

Emotional abuse describes a pattern of behavior that damages your self-worth or sense of emotional safety, including constant criticism, threats, rejection, name-calling, or withholding of love and support.

However, there's a big difference between having a normal argument with a parent and emotional abuse, says Lauren Kerwin, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice.

In a healthy argument, your parent can disagree with you while still allowing you to feel heard and respected. The situation can become abusive if your parent invalidates or discounts your feelings.

"When a parent is chronically emotionally invalidating — by shaming, criticizing, insulting, or mocking their child — the child feels constantly judged and inadequate and ends up developing a whole host of negative beliefs about themselves," adds Kerwin. "Their shame can easily turn into borderline personality disorder (BPD), substance abuse, suicidal ideation, and other worrisome mental health issues."

Note: Most perpetrators of emotional abuse are parents: about 53.7% are women, and 45.3% are men. Boys and girls experience similar rates of childhood abuse. Kerwin notes that emotional abuse tends to happen more in households where at least one parent has a mental health disorder or substance abuse issues.

Remember: Emotional abuse doesn't only happen during childhood. People can experience it at any age and in the context of any kind of relationship, including with romantic partners. Regardless, the important thing to emphasize is that it's not your fault, and you don't deserve to be treated this way.

Below, experts share some signs of parental emotional abuse to look out for, plus some guidance on how to cope.

1. They always come first

It's important for parents to take care of themselves — after all, they can only properly care for their children if their own physical, mental, and emotional needs are met.

Still, when a parent constantly prioritizes their needs above a child's, that can manifest into abuse over time, especially when the child is too young to have the resources to take care of themselves, says Tara Krueger, PsyD, national director of Family Therapy Services, Newport Healthcare.

Some examples of this parental behavior include:

Frequently leaving young children at home without a caretaker in order to go on dates.
Guilt-tripping a child or teen into staying home with them instead of seeing friends because they're lonely.

Ideally, a parent would make sure they have a babysitter in place before scheduling social plans or find another healthy way to deal with their loneliness like calling a friend rather than relying solely on their child for emotional support.

People who have children at a young age may not be emotionally equipped for parenting and therefore may be more prone to emotionally abusing them. However, it could also be a sign of a personality disorder like narcissistic personality disorder, says Krueger.

Kerwin also notes that a parent with autism can have trouble perceiving their child's needs and putting them first, and not even realize they're neglecting them in some way.

2. They isolate you

Isolation is a form of emotional abuse often used to gain control by severing ties to other friends, family members, and loved ones, according to Krueger.

"By cutting children off from others, it could prevent them from developing social skills and from reaching out for help," she says.

According to Kerwin, some common signs your parent is trying to isolate you are:

They actively try to discourage you from having relationships with other family members.
They constantly come up with excuses as for why you can't see friends.
They take direct actions to restrict your communication with other people.
They arbitrarily and frequently lock you in your room for unpredictable amounts of time.

Kerwin notes that abusive isolation is different from, say, grounding a teenager for a week as a consequence for engaging in harmful behavior like abusing substances at a party.

Note: Kerwin says younger children — especially under the age of 3 — are more vulnerable to emotional abuse than older teens and adults — but anyone can experience it, including adults.

3. They intimidate you

"Intimidation can be an extreme form of emotional abuse, as it causes the victim to feel powerless, hopeless, and scared," says Krueger.

This behavior can take many different forms. A parent might have unpredictable emotional outbursts when you try to confront them about something, leaving you feeling unsafe to express your feelings and concerns. They might yell, scream, and swear at you, call you names, or even throw things when you disagree with them.

According to Krueger, poor emotional regulation, a lack of empathy, and a high need for control can cause a parent to resort to intimidation. She adds that people with borderline personality disorder may use intimidation as a desperate attempt to keep their children from abandoning them — for example, by threatening to never speak to you again if you hang up the phone or leave the house.

Emotional abuse like this can have ever-lasting effects on the child. For example, a 2021 study of university students found that of all the possible types of mistreatment, emotional abuse was associated with the highest incidence rates of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) symptoms.

4. They withhold affection

Emotional abuse can be harder to identify than physical abuse. Like, in some cases, it isn't marked by what a parent is doing but rather by what they're not doing.

They may intentionally withhold affection as a means of influencing your behavior. According to Krueger, this can mean purposefully avoiding hugs, saying "I love you", and offering verbal praise.

For example, when a parent gives you the cold shoulder after you tell them you can't come home for the holidays, or after you express an opinion that opposes theirs. This form of passive aggressive behavior sends the message that their love is conditional: only when you please them will they express their affection for you.

Krueger says this kind of abuse can lead you to constantly seek out their approval in order to get the affection you need.

"Adults who withhold affection may also have experienced abuse as a child," says Krueger. "This behavior may have been modeled for them and become a template for how to parent their own children. "

5. They neglect you

Neglect is one of the most common forms of child emotional abuse. When a parent fails to meet a child's basic needs — like food, clothing, sleep, hygiene, and medical attention — that's considered neglect, says Krueger.

Important: The CDC estimates children living in poverty are five times more likely to experience abuse. However, just because a child is living in poverty doesn't mean the parents are guilty of neglect. Neglect occurs when the parent doesn't use the resources available to them to care for their child, and therefore jeopardizes their health or safety.

Emotional neglect may entail:

Failing to give caring or loving responses when a child is suffering or ignoring them and reaches out for support.
Failing to provide psychological care for the child.
Allowing the child to use alcohol and drugs.

Neglect can be incredibly detrimental to your physical, mental, and emotional well-being. A 2015 review found that emotional abuse during childhood is linked to poor immune system response and overall health in adulthood.

This abuse can also stunt the development of a child's brain, thus leading to psychological problems and potentially triggering to high-risk behaviors. That may help explain why children and teens who are abused by caregivers are also more likely to become involved in criminal activity.

Very often, Krueger says parental neglect is a sign of a serious mental illness, like a mood disorder or substance use disorder, which compromises the parent's judgment or ability to meet their child's needs. In other words, a parent may simply be physically or psychologically unable to care for a child.

6. They compare you to others

Comparison is a natural human instinct — in the same way that a child may notice how their parents are a lot stricter than their friends, a parent may notice that another couple's child is far more well-behaved.

However, as soon as your parent begins verbalizing these comparisons out loud to you, it can soon become abusive.

For example, they might say: "Why can't you be more like [friend's name]?" or "Your cousin doesn't have any trouble finishing their homework, I don't know why it's so hard for you."

Or in households with more than one child, a parent may compare you to a sibling, says Kerwin. This can leave you feeling inferior to and even resentful of your brother or sister, increasing rivalry and damaging that relationship, as well.

There's a good chance your parent isn't comparing you to others to deliberately hurt you, but rather, in an attempt to motivate you to behave in a particular way that's more pleasing to them.

Regardless of the intention, though, it can, "create short-term impacts such as anger and embarrassment, and even long-term impacts including diminished self-esteem and lack of trust in others," says Krueger.

A 2016 study found that emotional abuse is linked to a higher risk of many different kinds of mental disorders including mood disorders, anxiety disorders, personality disorders, and substance use disorders.

A healthier way to motivate you would be to simply express whatever change they'd like to see without measuring you against someone else.

How to get help

If you think you've been emotionally abused by your parents, remember that you are not alone — and there are a number of resources you can use to get help.

Kerwin recommends that minors consider talking to a trusted adult — like a guidance counselor or teacher — about what they're experiencing at home. A trained staff member may be able to get the child additional support services, like a child or family psychologist, to ensure their safety and well-being.

Krueger notes that crisis text lines can be a great option for adolescents, teens, and adults who have their own cell phones. Some hotlines you can reach out to include:

National Domestic Violence Hotline: Call 1-800-799-SAFE or text "START" to 88788, or use the online chat feature for free and confidential support 24/7.
Love Is Respect: Teens and young adults can call 1-866-331-9474, text "LOVEIS" to 22522, or use the online chat feature to seek advice and support from advocates.
National Child Abuse Hotline: Call or text 1-800-422-4453 to report abuse and/or get assistance finding free help and support in your area.
National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) Hotline: Call 1-800-950-NAMI, text "NAMI" to 741-741, or utilize the online chat feature on the NAMI website to connect with a trained crisis counselor.

Also, if you're independent and able, Krueger highly recommends seeking a licensed therapist, who can help you work through any trauma caused by the abuse.

"For adults who are still suffering the effects, therapy can assist in working through resentments and understanding how their current relationships may be impacted by unresolved pain from their past," she says.

Best online therapy providers

iStock; Gilbert Espinoza/Insider

Teletherapy is an accessible way to work with licensed mental health professionals, which we recommend in our guides to the best online therapy providers and free online therapy resources.

Best for full access to a self-selected therapist: BetterHelp, from $60 per week
Best for limited access to an assigned therapist, covered by insurance: TalkSpace, from $65 per week
Best for cheap online therapy and self-guided work: Online-Therapy.com, from $31.96 per week

Insider's takeaway

Remember: There's nothing you could ever do to deserve being emotionally abused — especially by a parent, who's supposed to protect you, nurture you, and provide a safe environment for you to express your needs.

There are many potential reasons why a parent might resort to emotional abuse, including if they're dealing with mental health conditions, substance use problems, or they're not emotionally ready to be a parent.

Regardless of the reason or what they're going through, this mistreatment is never your fault and can be extremely dangerous for your short and long-term mental and physical health.

If any of the above signs sound familiar or you suspect that a parent may be abusing you, consider reaching out for help. Children might try talking with a trusted adult at school, while teens and adults can contact a therapist or domestic violence or crisis hotline.

Rebecca Strong

Rebecca Strong is a Boston-based freelance writer covering health and wellness, food and wine, fitness, and travel. In addition to contributing to the Health Reference and Kitchen verticals at Insider, she has also written for Healthline, Health magazine, Bustle, StyleCaster, PopSugar, AskMen, and Elite Daily. You can follow her work on Twitter.

6 types of toxic parents and how to deal with them correctly

February 27, 2021 Relationship

If someone is destroying your life, you can't sit back. Even if those people are your parents.

You can not only read this article, but also listen to it. If it's more convenient for you, turn on the podcast.

Susan Forward

PhD, psychotherapist, author of Toxic Parents, Men Who Hate Women and Women Who Love Them, Emotional Blackmail. nine0003

Toxic parents hurt, abuse, humiliate, harm their children. And not only physical, but also emotional. They continue to do this even when the child becomes an adult.

1. Infallible parents

Such parents perceive children's disobedience, the slightest manifestations of individuality as an attack on themselves, and therefore they defend themselves. They insult and humiliate the child, destroy his self-esteem, hiding behind the good goal of "tempering character." nine0003

How the effect manifests itself

Usually the children of infallible parents consider them perfect. They have psychological protection.

Negative. The child invents another reality in which his parents love him. Denial provides temporary relief, which is costly: sooner or later it results in an emotional crisis.
Example: "Actually, my mother does not insult me, but she does better: she opens her eyes to the unpleasant truth."
Desperate hope. Children cling with all their might to the myth of perfect parents and blame themselves for all misfortunes.
Example: "I am not worthy of a good relationship, mom and dad want the best for me, but I don't appreciate it."
Rationalization. This is a search for good reasons that explain what is happening in order to make it less painful for the child.
Example: "My father beat me not to hurt me, but to teach me a lesson."

What to do

Realize that it is not your fault that your parents constantly turn to insults and humiliation. Therefore, it makes no sense to try to prove something to toxic parents.

A good way to understand the situation is to look at what happened through the eyes of an outside observer. This will allow you to realize that parents are not so infallible, and rethink their actions.

2. Inadequate parents

It is more difficult to determine the toxicity and inadequacy of parents who do not beat or abuse the child. Indeed, in this case, harm is caused not by action, but by inaction. Often such parents themselves behave like powerless and irresponsible children. They make the child grow up faster and meet their needs. nine0003

How the impact manifests itself

The child becomes a parent to himself, younger brothers and sisters, his own mother or father. He loses his childhood.
Example: "How can you ask to go out when your mother doesn't have time to wash everything and cook dinner?"
Victims of toxic parents experience feelings of guilt and despair when they cannot do something for the good of the family.
Example: “I can't put my little sister to bed, she cries all the time. I'm a bad son." nine0029
The child may lose emotions due to lack of emotional support from parents. As an adult, he experiences problems with self-identification: who he is, what he wants from life and love relationships.
Example: “I entered a university, but it seems to me that this is not the specialty that I like. I don't even know who I want to be."

What to do

Household chores should not take the child more time than studying, playing, walking, talking with friends. It is difficult to prove this to toxic parents, but it is possible. Operate with facts: “I will not study well if cleaning and cooking are only on me”, “The doctor advised me to spend more time outdoors and play sports.” nine0003

3. Controlling parents

Excessive control can look like caution, discretion, care. But toxic parents in this case only care about themselves. They are afraid of becoming unnecessary, and therefore they make sure that the child depends on them as much as possible, feels helpless.

Favorite phrases of toxic controlling parents:

"I am doing this solely for you and your benefit."
"I did this because I love you very much." nine0029
"Do this or I won't talk to you anymore."
"If you don't do this, I'll have a heart attack."
"If you don't do it, you will cease to be a member of our family."

All this means one thing: "I am doing this because the fear of losing you is so great that I am ready to make you unhappy."

Parents-manipulators who prefer hidden control do not get their way with direct requests and orders, but on the sly, forming a sense of guilt. They provide "disinterested" help, which forms a sense of duty in the child. nine0003

How the impact manifests itself

Children controlled by toxic parents become overly anxious. They lose the desire to be active, to explore the world, to overcome difficulties.
Example: "I'm very afraid of traveling by car because my mother always said it was very dangerous. "
If a child tries to argue with his parents, to disobey them, this threatens him with a sense of guilt, his own betrayal.
Example: “I stayed overnight with a friend without permission, the next morning my mother fell ill with a heart condition. I will never forgive myself if something happens to her." nine0029
Some parents love to compare their children with each other, to create an atmosphere of anger and jealousy in the family.
Example: “Your sister is much smarter than you, what are you born into?”.
The child constantly feels that he is not good enough, he strives to prove his worth.
Example: “I always aspired to become like my older brother, and even went to medical school like him, although I wanted to become a programmer.”

What to do

Get out of control without fear of consequences. As a rule, this is a simple blackmail. When you realize that you are not part of your parents, you will no longer depend on them.

4. Alcoholic parents

Alcoholic parents usually deny that there is a problem at all. A mother, suffering from her husband's drunkenness, shields him, justifies the frequent use of alcohol by the need to relieve stress or problems with the boss.

The child is usually taught that dirty linen should not be taken out of the hut. Because of this, he is constantly tense, lives in fear of accidentally betraying his family, revealing a secret. nine0003

How the impact manifests itself

Children of alcoholics often become lonely. They do not know how to build friendships or love relationships, they suffer from jealousy and suspicion.
Example: "I'm always afraid that my loved one will bring me pain, so I don't start a serious relationship."
In such a family, a child can grow up to be hyper-responsible and unsure of himself.
Example: “I used to help my mother put my drunk father to bed. I was scared that he would die, I was worried that there was nothing I could do about it. ” nine0029
Another toxic effect of such parents is the transformation of the child into "invisibility".
Example: “Mother tried to wean her father from drinking, she coded him, she was constantly looking for new medicines. We were left to ourselves, no one asked if we ate, how we study, what we are fond of.
Children suffer from feelings of guilt.
Example: “As a child, I was constantly told: “If you behaved well, dad would not drink.”

According to statistics, every fourth child from a family of alcoholics becomes an alcoholic himself. nine0003

What to do

Don't take responsibility for your parents drinking. If you can convince them that there is a problem, chances are they will consider coding. Communicate with prosperous families, do not let us convince ourselves that all adults are the same.

5. Humiliating parents

Such parents constantly insult and criticize the child, often unreasonably, or make fun of him. It can be sarcasm, ridicule, offensive nicknames, humiliation that is passed off as caring: “I want to help you get better”, “We need to prepare you for a cruel life.” Parents can make the child an "accomplice" in the process: "He understands that this is just a joke." nine0003

Sometimes humiliation is associated with a sense of competition. Parents feel that the child gives them unpleasant emotions, and turn on the pressure: “You can’t do better than me.”

How impact manifests itself

This attitude kills self-esteem and leaves deep emotional scars.
Example: “For a long time I couldn't believe I could do anything more than take out the trash, as my father used to say. And I hated myself for it."
Children of rival parents pay for their peace of mind by sabotaging their success. They prefer to underestimate their real abilities.
Example: “I wanted to participate in the street dance competition, I prepared well for it, but I didn't dare to try it. Mom always said I couldn't dance like her."
Violent verbal attacks can be driven by the unrealistic expectations adults place on the child. And it is he who suffers when the illusions collapse. nine0026 Example: “Dad was sure that I would become a great hockey player. When I was once again expelled from the section (I did not like and did not know how to skate), he called me worthless and incapable of anything for a long time.
The failures of children in toxic parents usually lead to the apocalypse.
Example: “I kept hearing: ‘I wish you hadn’t been born. And this is due to the fact that I did not take first place at the Mathematics Olympiad.”

Children who grow up in such families often have suicidal tendencies. nine0003

What to do

Find a way to block insults and humiliation so they don't hurt you. Don't let us seize the initiative in the conversation. If you answer in monosyllables, do not succumb to manipulation, insults and humiliation, toxic parents will not achieve their goal. Remember: you don't have to prove anything to them.

End communication when you want it. And preferably before you begin to feel unpleasant emotions.

6. Abusers

Parents who consider violence the norm were most likely brought up in the same way. For them, this is the only opportunity to throw out anger, cope with problems and negative emotions. nine0003

Physical abuse

Proponents of corporal punishment usually take out their fears and complexes on children or sincerely believe that spanking will benefit education, make the child courageous and strong. In reality, the opposite is true: physical punishment inflicts the strongest mental, emotional and bodily harm.

Sexual abuse

Susan Forward characterizes incest as "an emotionally destructive betrayal of the basic trust between child and parent, an act of total perversion." The little victims are at the mercy of the aggressor, they have nowhere to go and no one to ask for help. nine0003

90% of child survivors of sexual abuse do not tell anyone about it.

How the impact manifests itself

The child experiences a feeling of helplessness and despair, because asking for help can be fraught with new outbursts of anger and punishment.
Example: “I didn't tell anyone about my mother's beating until I was almost an adult. Because I knew no one would believe me. She explained the bruises on my legs and arms by the fact that I like to run and jump.” nine0029
Children begin to hate themselves, their emotions are constant anger and revenge fantasies.
Example: “I couldn't admit it to myself for a long time, but as a child I wanted to strangle my father while he was sleeping. He beat my mother, younger sister. I'm glad they got him."
Sexual abuse does not always involve contact with a child's body, but it is no less destructive. Children feel guilty about what happened. They are ashamed, they are afraid to tell someone about what happened.
Example: “I was the quietest student in the class, I was afraid that my father would be called to school, the secret would be revealed. He intimidated me: he constantly said that if this happens, everyone will think that I have lost my mind, they will send me to a psychiatric hospital.
Children keep the pain in themselves so as not to break up the family.
Example: “I saw that my mother loves my stepfather very much. Once I tried to hint to her that he treats me “in an adult way”. But she burst into tears so much that I didn’t dare to talk about it anymore. ” nine0029
A child abuse survivor often leads a double life. He feels disgusting, but pretends to be a successful, self-sufficient person. He cannot build normal relationships, considers himself unworthy of love. This is a wound that takes a very long time to heal.
Example: “I always considered myself 'dirty' because of what my father did to me as a child. I decided to go on a first date after 30 years, when I went through several courses of psychotherapy.

What to do

The only way to escape from a rapist is to distance yourself, to run away. Do not close in on yourself, but seek help from relatives and friends who you can trust, seek help from psychologists and the police.

How to deal with toxic parents

1. Accept this fact. And understand that you are unlikely to be able to change your parents. But myself and my attitude to life - yes.

2. Remember that their toxicity is not your fault. You are not responsible for how they behave. nine0003

3. Communication with them is unlikely to change, so keep it to a minimum. Start a conversation, knowing in advance that it may end unpleasantly for you.

4. If you have to live with them, find a way to let off steam. Go to the gym for workouts. Keep a diary, describe in it not only bad events, but also positive moments to support yourself. Read more literature about toxic people.

5. Do not look for excuses for the actions of your parents. Your well-being should be a priority. nine0003

Mother insults me all the time. My self-esteem has turned into a sieve... - Relationship with parents

Dear N.,

Your letter shows how parents can completely trample a person, out of the best of intentions - to direct him to the “right path”. Your mother is right - there is no commandment to honor children. But, of course, there is a commandment to treat every person with respect, regardless of his status, age and position. The way your mother speaks to you, according to your description, cannot be justified by any halachic rules. According to Halacha, anyone who raised a hand against another person is considered a villain, and verbal humiliation and insult is an even more serious violation of the Law. Therefore, no religious motives or considerations can justify the behavior of your mother. And the fact that she herself is a psychologist should have helped her somehow limit herself. nine0003

If neither religion nor psychology stops her, then it is simply some kind of spiritual deviation, even if in public she looks completely normal, and perhaps quite worthy of respect as a person. And therefore, the only way to survive in all this is to tell yourself: all her accusations are pathological in nature and the only way out for you is to communicate with her as with a mentally ill person. How such a person perceives you says absolutely nothing about you. After all, some crazy person could accuse you that in his nightmares it was you who were a vampire or jumped on a broomstick. But that doesn't make you a witch. nine0003

So, when a person is mentally abnormal in some area, he can do the most terrible things and at the same time justify them logically, psychologically, religiously. So just "go deaf" internally and don't react to it all as much as possible. And most importantly - do not take it to heart at all, do not let your mother's ideas about you cripple your soul.

And I think that even if you are a person who runs away from religion for fear of repeating your mother's path, you still believe that Gd gave you a soul and that it is normal and sublime. So try to do a few things. Try to find where you can "run away" away from your mother. Maybe you can rent an apartment with several girls together. Maybe try to get a volunteer job in some kibbutz, etc. Secondly, I understand that you are limited in funds, but I think that you need professional psychological help like oxygen, and the fact that your mother is a psychologist by profession does not mean that other psychologists will treat you the same way. A specialist will help you regain confidence and a sense of the value of life. Thirdly, even if you consider yourself completely non-religious, I still advise you to pray to God to give you strength in this situation, and believe me, He does not distinguish between the prayers of religious and non-religious people. Of course, we would like Him to send some radical solution, but, unfortunately, this does not always happen, but the Almighty always sends internal forces when a person in trial asks for it.

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