Depression in couples

Some will find fearfulness and impressionability very cute, but don't be too deluded: anxiety has another side - aggression aimed at self-defense. This side is especially pronounced in anxious men: they, as a rule, are also economic and caring, but the level of control (for your own good!) can reach despotism.

A common way of dealing with anxiety is the many rules and rituals that go to the extreme in OCD. This is not a whim, but a relatively effective way to cope with the situation: the performed ritual calms, gives a feeling of control over what is happening. It's definitely not worth laughing at. After all, when you read a prayer to calm yourself before an important event, or sleep with a textbook under your pillow before an exam, you are doing the same. nine0007

Leave alone with problems. Being alone with fears is the main nightmare of the anxious. Dr. Spock's methods of "the best way to stop a tantrum is not to react to it" do not work here. Of course, you will save yourself from an unpleasant sight, but the relationship is unlikely to live long after that. And if you stay nearby, embodying understanding and calmness with your whole appearance, they will definitely appreciate it. A firm hold on the hand and lead away from an unpleasant place can be enough to stop a panic attack. It is important to listen to the entire stream of consciousness, to say something soothing. nine0007

Feed the alarm. If you yourself are anxious enough, you will have a very difficult time. It is important for an anxious person to believe that there is a person nearby who controls the situation better than him. And if you are easily infected with panic and start voicing new terrible versions of what is happening, then he will lose the last ground under his feet.

Save from all adversity. Ridding a loved one of all hardships (from nervous work to a couple of hours in an apartment alone) is also not at all a solution. Anxiety has a dangerous feature: fueled by fears, it grows, capturing new spaces. This is called "generalization": at first a person is afraid of white mice, then of the laboratories in which they live, and in the end he cannot cross the threshold of the university. Thus, the anxious one runs the risk of driving himself into a corner and finding himself in complete isolation. nine0007

Don't escalate. Since you are together, find out what exactly scares your soul mate and never abuse it.

Keep me posted. Tell me regularly when you get home what important things you are doing and why you are in a bad mood. So you save yours and her or his nerves. After all, when an anxious person does not know what is happening, his brain draws the most terrible version possible. By the time you return from an unscheduled meeting with a friend, they may already start looking for you with a detachment of volunteer rescuers. nine0007

Create a safe environment. The sensitive psyche of an anxious person cannot bear overload. She can be "closed" even from an excess of positive impressions, for example, at a stormy holiday. Therefore, it is extremely important that the house be that quiet and cozy place where you can relax.

Support in the fight against fears. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy offers to deal with fears using the “wedge wedge” method: accustom yourself to frightening situations. But you need to do this gradually and in really safe conditions, no "throw off the boat - let him learn to swim" (you will never be forgiven for this). The support of a partner just creates this feeling of security, and in general it’s great to expand the boundaries of an interesting world together: for example, climb a beautiful roof arm in arm with a loved one and overcome the fear of heights. nine0007

Pros

Anxious people are attentive, empathic and responsible. They try to foresee everything and prepare for everything simply because they cannot do otherwise. They will find a way to save money "for a rainy day", they will always notice when something has happened to you, and they will take a warm jacket for you on a trip. If care is dear to you and some degree of overprotection is not frightening, then you will be comfortable together.

Cons

Reasons for fear and anxiety may have nothing to do with reality, and then guardianship turns into hysteria or domestic terror. Anxious people can be tough and controlling in their attempts to shield themselves from anything threatening. They torture their loved ones with interrogations and prohibitions. It is not in vain that in lectures on psychology they like to cite Chekhov's "Man in a Case" as an example - a rather heavy character. nine0007

Pathological jealous people are also often anxious people.

And if you even accidentally put your beloved in an unbearable situation for her, for example, get stuck in an elevator on the 20th floor with her fear of heights, you can physically suffer from heels and nails.

Like depression, this disorder is more common in women. But do not forget that a quarter of all "border guards" are men. Being in a relationship with a "border guard" or "border guard" is as easy as shelling pears: these are emotional, sociable guys who, in the truest sense of the word, cannot live without love. But they are quickly disappointed (or disappointed), and therefore they are periodically in active search. The essence of their relationship style is perfectly described in the book "I hate you - do not leave me": a constant storm of emotions and contrasts. nine0007

Today you were a princess and a dream come true for him - and a week later he calls you an arrogant egoist. In the morning she sings in the bathroom, and in the evening she complains that she has been unhappy all her life and is not understood by anyone. The peculiarity of the border guards is the all-encompassing predominance of feelings over reason. On the most physical level: they have a hyperactive amygdala, the part of the brain that is responsible for emotions, mostly negative ones. Their thinking is painted in black and white, at every single moment everything is either perfect or too bad. nine0007

To maintain balance, the border guard needs to “attach” to a more stable person and look at himself through his eyes. No partner can fully compensate for the deficit that comes from childhood, and therefore the relationship will not be easy. But this does not mean that they are doomed to failure. Given sufficient awareness on both sides, there is a chance to learn how to smooth out sharp corners. nine0007

Ignore. "Freezing" from a hysterical border guard is not only pointless, but also dangerous. If you leave, slamming the door, it will be perceived as "gone forever, no one needs me, why live." It can even go as far as suicide threats, which will seem like banal blackmail to you. This may be true, but always remember that most border guards have real suicide attempts on their account. One of them is in danger of becoming the last. Emotions are so strong and unstable that they drown out the voice of reason completely. The accusations made in hysterics cannot be taken seriously. When the storm subsides, the border guard will most likely forget what he had to say. nine0007

Provoke. The psyche of a border guard is easily excitable and unstable, and therefore they succumb to provocations easily. If you force your opinion or argue aggressively, then the banal finding out who goes to the store will turn into an analysis of your relationship from the first day you met. With a stream of swearing and the most sophisticated accusations.

Acknowledge the reality of his feelings. No matter how absurd the drama unfolded out of the blue may seem, for the border guard all experiences are absolutely real. At this moment, he feels rejected, lonely, practically non-existent. Just admit it - the border guard rarely meets with an understanding of his feelings, which are always "too much" for others, and will be grateful. You can also simply distract yourself from intense experiences: not always, but your favorite movie or good sex will save you. nine0007

Connect your mind. In psychotherapy, the main methods of helping people with BPD are teaching techniques to control emotions and training logical thinking. You can also help your partner in this by calmly (without moralizing!) pronouncing and explaining conflict situations.

Reality check helps a lot: using concrete examples to explain that there are no real reasons for his fear (for example, to be left alone and in poverty until the end of his days). It is important to remind that bad moments will pass, and life will continue on. nine0007

Pros

Many people with BPD are bright, intensely sensitive, creative. They are easily carried away by both people and affairs, they love the new and unusual. You definitely won’t get bored with them from the lack of emotions and events in your life together.

Cons

They are manipulators. From childhood, the border guards got used to the need to fight for care and attention by any means. And if you don’t give them enough (and it’s impossible to give, because too much is required), then heavy artillery can be used against you, and you yourself won’t notice how you find yourself guilty of all the troubles of the universe. Stalkers who pursue those who rejected their love are also often people with BPD. Their self-esteem is so strongly attached to the chosen one or chosen one that they are unable to let it go. nine0007

Sometimes, or quite often, we are unbearable. No one chooses a mental disorder for himself, but no one removes responsibility for relationships from us, adults, capable people with their own characteristics. We can make them better, more honest, more constructive. In the end, this is in our personal interests: as I have already reminded, balance in relationships is not a guarantee, but an almost indispensable condition for mental balance. nine0007

Be honest. No one can read minds, you can’t expect a partner to guess everything and guess every time you feel bad. If you have serious plans for a life together, tell us about your personal characteristics and triggers. About in what situations you really need help and in what form. Do not expect that they will understand you and agree with everything right now - it is really difficult to accept the fact that a loved one has a mental illness. nine0007

Another scientifically proven fact: a destructive relationship in which a person with an unstable psyche is regularly devalued, blamed, provoked to negative emotions is worse than none at all.

Explain. Perhaps you don't want to act as an educator and rummage through the scientific literature. But if you don’t explain (in detail, with links to authoritative sources) to the person you live with what your diagnosis is in general, no one else will do this, and then misunderstanding is guaranteed. If it's hard to find words, find some good movies and books. And if trust reigns in your relationship, you can invite your partner to talk to your doctor. nine0007

Strive for remission. There are many people with mental disorders in the world who quite happily start families, build houses and give birth to children. But all happy families are similar in one thing: a spouse with a disease is aware of his condition and undergoes therapy. Psychotherapy helps some, pills are needed for others, a healthy lifestyle and self-control is enough for someone.

If you deny the very need to somehow correct your behavior and think that your partner is obliged to accept you as you are, with all the problems, you should hardly count on a long-term relationship. nine0004

There are also statistics that show that when a partner is not treated, the probability of divorce for various disorders reaches 90%.

How not to be an asshole

No matter how severe our disease is, only part of our impartial actions depends on the symptoms, the other part depends only on ourselves. Believe Viktor Frankl, a psychologist who found opportunities to show humanity even for people with schizophrenia imprisoned in a concentration camp.

A person with a mental disorder is in a state of attack / episode only a small part of the time, the rest of the time he is quite capable of controlling his behavior (if this were not the case, the issue of deprivation of legal capacity would be on the agenda).

If you can't help but destroy everything around you when panic attacks, you can fix the broken when you come to your senses. And to apologize to those who managed to suffer, thanking them for their patience and support. One friend told a touching story, how, being in a deep depression, she cooked jam for her friends, because she could not express her love for them in words. nine0007

It is also impossible to abuse the partner's trust: for example, to attribute any unimportant state of health to an illness and each time to shift difficult matters to him.

The resource of any, even a perfectly healthy person, is limited, and at some point a partner may leave, not because he is a traitor and does not appreciate you, but simply because there is no more strength. And this is not the worst ending: having burned out, having given more resources than he had, he risks falling into depression himself - or into dependence on alcohol or other harmful substances (not the rarest situation in families of people with mental disorders - it is not in vain that there are support groups specifically for relatives). Then you have to save him. nine0007

signs of depression in your boyfriend

If you notice that your relationship with the man you love has changed dramatically for the worse, and it is his fault, if your lover has begun to treat you completely differently than before, do not rush to blame him. It may very well be that your sweetheart is depressed. Now we will tell you how to recognize it.

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Assume

Always so level-headed and caring, he suddenly rolls up a scandal because of an egg boiled not in a bag, as he likes, but hard boiled. A day later, your skirt falls under a hot hand: "The limit of bad taste, how can you buy this?" Hearing a timid remark that he himself chose her for you last year, he is offendedly silent for three hours. Further - even worse. He does not go to his best friend's birthday and generally stops going anywhere. He doesn’t call his mother for a month (it’s better not to remember about yours with him). Complains of chest pain and insomnia. You sort through the versions: fell out of love, problems at work, secret debts, a midlife crisis, aliens and fell out of love again ...

Attempts to understand and cheer up are replaced by confusion, resentment and even anger: “How much can you do? Which of us is a woman with a weak psyche, and who is the head of the family and the man in the house? However, this does not give results, at least not positive ones. If time passes, and the condition of a loved one remains the same, worsens or even becomes unpredictable, we can talk about depression.

In contrast to a bad mood, she sucks in completely and does not let go. You need to take the problem seriously. Psychologist, candidate of sociological sciences Anetta Orlova urges not to confuse depression with blues and not to consider it the prerogative of the weaker sex: “This disease is considered to be female. But every year, about eight million men in Russia experience a bout of depression. With one this happens once in a lifetime, and the other begins to suffer bouts of recurring depression. nine0341

Refine

How to understand that a man has a disease, and not a bad character, which he successfully hid during the period of courtship? Typically, depression is characterized by a complex of symptoms. Psychologist Nadezhda Zarochintseva advises to take a closer look at your partner: “Sudden pain (most often in the heart), sleep disturbance, loss of appetite and sexual desire, apathy, nervousness are the main symptoms of depression along with a low emotional background, stunted speech and movements, aggressiveness, gambling , extreme sports or excessive physical activity. nine0007

Be careful: if for a week he sadly and concentratedly studies the ceiling, and then suddenly jumps up and rushes to St. Petersburg to look at the bridges, this does not mean that the depression has receded. On the contrary, you need to be careful.

“Periods of excitement, screaming and swearing can be replaced by complete indifference to what is happening around,” warns Nadezhda Zarochintseva. “Today he spends money in the casino, tomorrow he flies to the Alps for off-piste skiing from a helicopter, and a week later he is already lying at home with an indifferent look. Depression also affects sexual function. A man in horror thinks about impotence, you think about a rival, but in fact the problem is in his head. nine0007

There are several types of depression. The rarest, endogenous, is caused and associated with the work of the brain - fortunately, it overtakes only 1% of the population. Somatogenic manifests itself against the background of injury or illness, and psychogenic is usually caused by the loss or illness of loved ones, serious disappointment, lack of money.

“Diagnosing depression in women is much easier than in men. Boys are used to hiding their emotions and experiences, so pay close attention to what is happening in the life of a loved one and his reaction to events, advises Nadezhda Zarochintseva. “If a depressed man is left unattended, he may begin to seek solace in alcohol and even consider suicide.” nine0007

Help

Few people can get out of depression on their own. A man in such a situation needs your help, and in difficult cases, also a professional consultation. Do not expect that during the first conversation you will merge into an embrace and your tears will mix. Most likely, you will come across aggression and a rude "Don't touch me, everything is fine." Do not insist, do not provoke frank conversations, but constantly emphasize your love and show care. Be interested in how the day went, how you feel, what to cook for dinner. But do not go to extremes: plunging into the experiences of a loved one, you risk your own mental health, and no one needs this, especially in such a situation. nine0007

Seemingly fair maxims about the miners in the slaughter and the starving people of Africa, who are much more difficult, should not be used. After all, the perception of depression as a frivolous problem makes people hide the pain even from their closest ones. Do not make this mistake: show that you understand and accept experiences and your man has the right to them. Think about how to distract your loved one. Even a trip to a neighboring city for the weekend, walks, proper nutrition and tireless sports will help to cope with a mild form. nine0007

And work with the immediate environment. Ask his parents not to be offended by a harsh tone and not to cling to trifles, tell what is happening to mutual friends: let them dispense with the questions “Why are you so sad, old man?” and visit you more often.

If a man loves animals, offer to get a cat or a dog: animals, like fresh air, help relieve nervous tension (only this decision should be as balanced as possible, we are talking about a living being).

If you understand that depression is serious and you can't cope even together, persuade your loved one to go to a psychologist. Explain that this is a common illness and a visit to a specialist is as necessary as a visit to the dentist for pulpitis. Yes, it’s not pleasant enough, but you can’t pull it, it will only get worse. nine0007

By the way, many representatives of the stronger sex react much better to the word "neurologist". You can start with this doctor, as if about insomnia and palpitations. The specialist, most likely, will be with you at the same time, in addition to physiotherapy, he will advise the same psychologist. In extreme cases, you go to him yourself: he will tell you what tactics to work out and how not to get depressed from what is happening.

Cold head

It happens that the reason for rudeness and bad mood is really caused by cooling towards you. The symptoms may seem similar, but only at first glance. nine0341

You have relationship problems

• He moved from the bedroom to the sofa in the living room. He does not kiss, does not hug, there is no talk of sex at all.
• He doesn't like everything you do, from soup to new hair. At the same time, his bad mood does not apply to friends, colleagues and sellers in the store.
• Weekends and holidays are no longer family days. Every weekend he disappears somewhere, returns late, with lipstick marks on his shirt, sometimes tipsy. nine0389
• He generally stopped giving you flowers, making coffee in the morning, but he bought himself three new sweaters, four ties and perfume at once.
• Your favorite series "Friends" has stopped making him laugh - he demands to immediately turn off this muck.

He is depressed

• Sex happens, but often a man is insolvent, which makes him angry or withdraws into himself.

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