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I get so mad


Why Am I So Angry: Causes, Symptoms, and Treatments

Is anger healthy?

Everyone has experienced anger. The intensity of your anger can range from profound annoyance to extreme rage. It’s normal and healthy to feel angry from time to time in response to certain situations.

But sometimes people experience an uncontrollable anger that often escalates, especially when the provocation is minor. In this case, anger is not a normal emotion but a major problem.

Anger comes from a variety of sources and can vary widely. Some common anger triggers include:

  • personal problems, such as missing a promotion at work or relationship difficulties
  • a problem caused by another person such as cancelling plans
  • an event like bad traffic or getting in a car accident
  • memories of a traumatic or enraging event

In other cases, an anger problem may be caused by early trauma or events in a person’s life that have shaped their personality. In some cases, hormonal changes can also cause anger, as can certain mental disorders.

Some signs that your anger is not normal include:

  • anger that affects your relationships and social life
  • feeling that you have to hide or hold in your anger
  • constant negative thinking and focusing on negative experiences
  • constantly feeling impatient, irritated, and hostile
  • arguing with others often, and getting angrier in the process
  • being physically violent when you’re angry
  • threatening violence to people or their property
  • an inability to control your anger
  • feeling compelled to do, or doing, violent or impulsive things because you feel angry, such as driving recklessly or destroying things
  • staying away from certain situations because you’re anxious or depressed about your angry outbursts

Anger itself doesn’t constitute a mental disorder, so there’s no set diagnosis for anger problems in the new edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5).

However, it lists more than 32 mental disorders — such as borderline personality disorder and intermittent explosive disorder — that include anger as a symptom. It’s possible that your anger problem is caused by an underlying mental disorder.

If you don’t deal with your anger problem, it could one day escalate to a point where you do something extreme and regrettable. Violence is one possible outcome. You could get so angry that you end up hurting yourself or someone you care about without intending to do so.

If you suspect you have an anger problem, it’s important to seek professional help. Talk to your physician for a referral to a mental healthcare provider who will be able to help.

There are several helpful ways to control your anger at home.

Relaxation techniques

These include breathing deeply and picturing relaxing scenes in your mind. When trying to relax, breathe from deep within your lungs, inhaling and exhaling slowly in a controlled way. Repeat a calming word or phrase, such as “relax” or “take it easy.”

You may also want to visualize a relaxing experience, either from your memory or imagination. Slow, yoga-like exercises may also help relax your body and make you feel calmer.

Cognitive restructuring

Changing the way you think can change the way you express your anger. When a person feels angry, it’s often easy for them to think dramatically. It’s important to focus on expressing rational, rather than irrational, thoughts.

Avoid using the words “always” and “never” in your thoughts and speech. Such terms are inaccurate and can make you feel like your anger is justified, which makes it worse. These words can also hurt others who may be trying to help you arrive at a solution to your problem.

Problem solving

Anger can be caused by very real problems. While some anger is justified when something doesn’t go as planned, it’s not the anger that will help you fix the problem. The best way to approach a situation that’s making you angry is to not focus on the solution but to figure out how to address the problem.

You can do that by making a plan and checking in with it often so that you can check your progress often. Don’t get upset if the way the problem ends up getting resolved isn’t exactly the way you planned. Just make your best effort.

Communication

When people feel angry, they tend to jump to conclusions, which can be inaccurate. When you’re having an angry argument, slow down and think through your responses before lashing out. Remember to listen to the other person in the conversation. Good communication can help you resolve problems before your anger escalates.

A medical professional such as a psychiatrist or psychologist can recommend interventions to control your anger. Talk therapy can be helpful, as can anger management classes.

Anger management sessions can be taken in person or online. They can also be studied in a book. Anger management will teach you how to identify your frustrations early on and then resolve them. This may involve telling others, or yourself, what you need, while also staying calm and in charge of the situation (as opposed to having an angry outburst).

These sessions can be taken alone with a counselor or with a counselor accompanied by your partner or a group. The type, length, and number of sessions will depend on the program and your individual needs. This type of counseling can be brief or may last for several weeks or months.

When you begin the sessions, your counselor will help you identify your anger triggers and read your body and emotions for signs of anger. Noticing and checking in with these warning signs is one early step needed to help control your anger. Later on, you’ll learn behavioral skills and ways of thinking that will help you cope with your anger. If you have underlying mental health conditions, your counselor will also help you manage them, often making it easier to control your anger.

Anger doesn’t have to get in the way of you living a happy, full life. If you’re experiencing extreme anger, see your physician or mental healthcare provider. They will help you identify which professional therapies may be able to help you cope.

What’s more, there are many ways you can learn to control your anger at home. With time and a persistent effort, you’ll be able to more easily control your anger and improve your quality of life.

Why Am I So Angry: Causes, Symptoms, and Treatments

Is anger healthy?

Everyone has experienced anger. The intensity of your anger can range from profound annoyance to extreme rage. It’s normal and healthy to feel angry from time to time in response to certain situations.

But sometimes people experience an uncontrollable anger that often escalates, especially when the provocation is minor. In this case, anger is not a normal emotion but a major problem.

Anger comes from a variety of sources and can vary widely. Some common anger triggers include:

  • personal problems, such as missing a promotion at work or relationship difficulties
  • a problem caused by another person such as cancelling plans
  • an event like bad traffic or getting in a car accident
  • memories of a traumatic or enraging event

In other cases, an anger problem may be caused by early trauma or events in a person’s life that have shaped their personality. In some cases, hormonal changes can also cause anger, as can certain mental disorders.

Some signs that your anger is not normal include:

  • anger that affects your relationships and social life
  • feeling that you have to hide or hold in your anger
  • constant negative thinking and focusing on negative experiences
  • constantly feeling impatient, irritated, and hostile
  • arguing with others often, and getting angrier in the process
  • being physically violent when you’re angry
  • threatening violence to people or their property
  • an inability to control your anger
  • feeling compelled to do, or doing, violent or impulsive things because you feel angry, such as driving recklessly or destroying things
  • staying away from certain situations because you’re anxious or depressed about your angry outbursts

Anger itself doesn’t constitute a mental disorder, so there’s no set diagnosis for anger problems in the new edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5).

However, it lists more than 32 mental disorders — such as borderline personality disorder and intermittent explosive disorder — that include anger as a symptom. It’s possible that your anger problem is caused by an underlying mental disorder.

If you don’t deal with your anger problem, it could one day escalate to a point where you do something extreme and regrettable. Violence is one possible outcome. You could get so angry that you end up hurting yourself or someone you care about without intending to do so.

If you suspect you have an anger problem, it’s important to seek professional help. Talk to your physician for a referral to a mental healthcare provider who will be able to help.

There are several helpful ways to control your anger at home.

Relaxation techniques

These include breathing deeply and picturing relaxing scenes in your mind. When trying to relax, breathe from deep within your lungs, inhaling and exhaling slowly in a controlled way. Repeat a calming word or phrase, such as “relax” or “take it easy.”

You may also want to visualize a relaxing experience, either from your memory or imagination. Slow, yoga-like exercises may also help relax your body and make you feel calmer.

Cognitive restructuring

Changing the way you think can change the way you express your anger. When a person feels angry, it’s often easy for them to think dramatically. It’s important to focus on expressing rational, rather than irrational, thoughts.

Avoid using the words “always” and “never” in your thoughts and speech. Such terms are inaccurate and can make you feel like your anger is justified, which makes it worse. These words can also hurt others who may be trying to help you arrive at a solution to your problem.

Problem solving

Anger can be caused by very real problems. While some anger is justified when something doesn’t go as planned, it’s not the anger that will help you fix the problem. The best way to approach a situation that’s making you angry is to not focus on the solution but to figure out how to address the problem.

You can do that by making a plan and checking in with it often so that you can check your progress often. Don’t get upset if the way the problem ends up getting resolved isn’t exactly the way you planned. Just make your best effort.

Communication

When people feel angry, they tend to jump to conclusions, which can be inaccurate. When you’re having an angry argument, slow down and think through your responses before lashing out. Remember to listen to the other person in the conversation. Good communication can help you resolve problems before your anger escalates.

A medical professional such as a psychiatrist or psychologist can recommend interventions to control your anger. Talk therapy can be helpful, as can anger management classes.

Anger management sessions can be taken in person or online. They can also be studied in a book. Anger management will teach you how to identify your frustrations early on and then resolve them. This may involve telling others, or yourself, what you need, while also staying calm and in charge of the situation (as opposed to having an angry outburst).

These sessions can be taken alone with a counselor or with a counselor accompanied by your partner or a group. The type, length, and number of sessions will depend on the program and your individual needs. This type of counseling can be brief or may last for several weeks or months.

When you begin the sessions, your counselor will help you identify your anger triggers and read your body and emotions for signs of anger. Noticing and checking in with these warning signs is one early step needed to help control your anger. Later on, you’ll learn behavioral skills and ways of thinking that will help you cope with your anger. If you have underlying mental health conditions, your counselor will also help you manage them, often making it easier to control your anger.

Anger doesn’t have to get in the way of you living a happy, full life. If you’re experiencing extreme anger, see your physician or mental healthcare provider. They will help you identify which professional therapies may be able to help you cope.

What’s more, there are many ways you can learn to control your anger at home. With time and a persistent effort, you’ll be able to more easily control your anger and improve your quality of life.

9 practical tips from a psychologist

From childhood, our parents constantly tell us that being angry is bad. Good boys and girls don't behave like that. Then we grow up and hold back, accumulate anger and aggression in ourselves, and in most cases we injure ourselves. How to deal with such feelings that arise almost every day?

Natatnik learned in detail about anger, what actually lies under this emotion and how to behave if you experience this feeling from a practicing psychologist and gestalt therapist Ekaterina Gritsanyuk . For 7 years of professional activity, Ekaterina managed to work at secondary school No. 28 with children with special needs of psychophysical development, at the Brest Pedagogical University of A.S. th narcological department in the Brest regional narcological dispensary. Today, the girl is on maternity leave and is actively engaged in individual and family counseling. nine0005

The psychologist explains that feelings are social, we do not have them from birth. They appear in the process of our upbringing, adaptation in society. If we are talking about anger, aggression and aggressiveness, then we should clearly see the difference between these three concepts. Anger Feeling when your most important need is not met or when your boundaries are violated. Those. you really want something and you don't get it. Anger can hide the need for love, resentment against a person, guilt and fear. In turn, aggression is action. You do something to get something (for example, start hitting another person, insulting). Anger and aggression are present in us from birth and have a protective function. For example, in order to compete with someone, you need to have aggression, at least understand about it. Aggressiveness is a personality trait that is formed in the process of socialization, development, depending on what environment you find yourself in.

Why does a person need feelings in general and what are their functions? nine0005

  1. A signal to another person you are in contact with that something is going wrong between you. For example, if someone stepped on your foot, you show the other person with your anger that you are hurt and unpleasant.
  2. Often, people are left with only the identification of feelings, the understanding that I am now angry. And then people very rarely realize that the feeling that has arisen is a hidden need for something that is not satisfied. And this applies to absolutely all feelings. For example, if we talk about anger, then it is better to react to it: yell at someone, for example. Just don't hold back. On the other hand, if a person constantly splashes out anger, nothing will change in his life, since the need is not satisfied anyway. nine0024
  3. Feelings are an instrument of experiences. When you meet a friend, colleague, psychologist and in the process of contact express your feelings to them: cry, get angry, rejoice. It is important that you are experiencing with someone what is happening to you, and not into the void, alone, in the nose.

What to do if you are angry?
  1. Breathe . Take a deep breath in and out a few times to bring oxygen to your brain. These 10 seconds of time provide an opportunity to get together and not utter harsh, aggressive words. This only works if there is minimal self-control skills. For example, when you cry, breathe well so that everything does not go into crying, understand what your tears are about. nine0024
  2. Go to the gym to work out, run around the house. This is a good temporary way to respond to anger (aggression), and you will definitely feel better after physical activity . But if you do this constantly and do not understand what need is hidden under the feeling, nothing will change in life. You will also be angry, just like before.
  3. Try to put yourself in the place of a person who is angry. Understand what is happening to him now, that he is experiencing intense feelings. If you are understand that you also have different states and feelings, then you will accept these feelings in another.
  4. Write down in your diary the situations during the day that made you angry or aggressive. Answer the questions: what am I reacting to, why am I reacting this way? Thus, self-analysis of situations takes place. This method is well suited to those people who do not turn to a psychologist, do not discuss it with friends.
  5. Draw with gouache and fingers, pen, pencil. In this way, you splash out energy on paper and for sure it will not harm anyone. nine0024
  6. Sculpt from clay, plasticine, crumple paper, fabric.
  7. Talk with another person about things that make you angry, irritating, pissed off, if there is such an opportunity and desire to talk.
  8. Restrain anger, but understand why you are doing it at the moment. There are situations in life when you should remain silent, not interfere and step aside. For example, when there is a hierarchy, the boss yelled at you. In this situation, it is better not to enter into a conflict conversation, you need to wait, pause and return to this conversation in a calmer state. nine0024
  9. In the event of a brewing conflict, when emotions are running high, take a break and eat something sweet calm down.

It is important to understand that all these methods are temporary relief. If you use them constantly, they stop working.

When a person asks how to cope with anger or aggression, he most often thinks about how it is not to feel at all. It's impossible not to get angry. A person cannot constantly rejoice, experience tenderness, love, etc. If anger is blocked in a person, it will still find a way out: most often through illness. For example, frequent tonsillitis may be evidence of retained feelings. A person’s throat is so tight and sore that he cannot talk to other people about his emotion: anger. nine0005

It is also important to know that there are no negative or positive feelings. All feelings are neutral, there is only an inappropriate form of expression with which a person communicates that he is now angry. To reiterate, underneath every emotion is your unmet need. If you understand what the need is and pay attention to it, then you won’t want to be angry.

Photo from the personal archive of Ekaterina Gritsanyuk, Natatnik

why you should not be afraid of negative emotions - Knife

The stereotype about a happy, healthy and successful person is that he is joyful and cheerful, or at least calm and peaceful. But definitely not evil! If a person is evil, it means that something is wrong with him: he is deeply unhappy, not loved by anyone, and all his undertakings are doomed to failure. However, we are not born with this belief, but acquire it during our lives, when various factors influence us.

Why do people condemn anger?

1. This is how we were brought up

The first and most important lessons that we shouldn't be angry, we receive in childhood from our parents:

  • "Shut up";
  • "Behave yourself";
  • "You'll live with me, then we'll talk";
  • "Don't you dare talk to your mother/father like that";
  • "Take what they give";
  • "Don't be capricious";
  • "Be patient" - and so on .

When a child does not want to finish his oatmeal, give a toy to his brother, dress the way his parents want, or sit quietly in the presence of guests, his protest - a manifestation of negative emotions - is crushed in the bud. nine0005

But it is very important for a child to be good to his parents. This is directly related to safety: a baby is born unsuitable for independent living and needs adults to take care of its survival. In the first years of life, care is more physical (to bathe, feed, etc.), and then psychological care becomes more and more important (to teach how to cope with emotions, develop cognitive abilities, help with socialization).

Therefore, a good attitude of parents for a child is a guarantee of safety. And safety is one of the basic needs of every person. nine0005

A child whose parents repeatedly make it clear that they "do not like" him who is angry subconsciously adopts an important survival attitude: "Angry is bad." And he follows this even when he becomes an adult.

Here are two reasons parents tell their children not to get angry.

  1. Parents also consider their anger to be wrong because they were brought up the same way. Relations with others are a reflection of our attitude towards ourselves. If a person does not allow himself to be angry, "does not love" himself evil, believes that this emotion brings him problems, and seeks to get rid of it, then he will forbid it and his child. Through upbringing, such an adult perceives his ability to suppress anger as something that helps to survive. And he seeks to transfer this useful skill to the child so that he, too, can survive. nine0024
  2. The anger of a child is a threat to adults. As a rule, such parents are not very self-confident and dependent on the opinions of others. It is difficult for them to cope with a child who is trying to defend their boundaries and opinions, "pushing through" the boundaries of others. Moreover, in this behavior they see a danger to their authority, self-esteem, and, consequently, to their security. And they are also afraid that those around them will begin to condemn them for a capricious, self-willed, naughty child. nine0024

As a result, the prohibition against anger is passed on from generation to generation. And at each stage, it seems to all participants in this process something necessary to maintain their safety.

2. Society against anger

We leave the family with the idea of ​​"bad" anger - and society supports it. In many educational and work teams, with friends, anger is not welcomed, condemned, accompanied by the stigma: "crazy", "hysterical", "not to please him", "she always criticizes". Why is that? nine0005

  • Many people in the family were brought up in the same way. The prohibition of anger is not a unique story of a single family. This is an attitude that is nurtured in so many families. You can call it part of the mentality.
  • People who are able to defend themselves and show aggression are uncomfortable. When interacting with them, one has to respect their needs, take into account their boundaries, understand, negotiate, seek compromises.
  • Angry people can be a psychological threat. nine0131 Someone's manifestation of anger can frighten those who are used to suppressing it. After all, they do not know how to effectively communicate with a person who openly shows that he does not like something and is not going to put up with it. And where does this skill come from, if in the family they did not interact with anger, but avoided and denied it?

3. We are afraid of being rejected

Under the influence of family and society, a person develops his own stable beliefs.

If the world around us makes it clear: "You are bad when you are angry," we begin to believe in it. It is imprinted in the subconscious: “If I get angry, they will not love me, they will not appreciate me, they will leave me. Getting angry is bad."

Imagine a young man who is on the verge of breaking up with his girlfriend after six months of relationship. All this time he was polite and courteous, met her from work, gave gifts, allowed her to plan their time together. And one morning, she accidentally broke his glass of water. An ordinary glass, nothing special. It would seem, just sweep the fragments, wipe off the water - and forget it. But he fell into a rage. He shouted, called her every word he knew, and deliberately broke her favorite mug. nine0005

The girl is shocked: after all, she has never seen him even irritated, and here is such a vivid reaction, and even on such a small occasion. She is seriously thinking about breaking up. The girl feels a threat to her safety in this unreasonable aggression, because if today a guy broke her mug because of a trifle, where is the guarantee that tomorrow he will not hit her himself? And even if he just keeps breaking things, it still won't be very pleasant.

The guy sees in this situation a confirmation of his attitude: “When you are not angry, you are needed; when you are angry, you are abandoned”, which means that the belief “to be angry is bad” is true! Therefore, he wants to learn how to live without outbreaks of aggression and be always joyful and friendly. nine0005

But with this strategy, repressed emotions do not disappear, but accumulate inside. And when there are too many of them, they break out in a whole storm, and often because of the nonsense that becomes the last straw. And others see this as an inadequate outbreak of aggression that frightens them.

The girl would have endured much more easily dosed portions of his anger. For example, if he argued with her about a joint vacation, refused to meet her from work due to extreme fatigue, or explained that the restaurant she had chosen was too expensive. Then the logic “when you are not angry, you are needed, when you are angry, you are rejected” would be transformed into a healthier one: “when you express your anger constructively and in a timely manner, you are needed, when you accumulate it and splash it out in forms dangerous to others, - you are rejected." nine0005

Suppressed anger may not spill out, but turn inside the person and cause psychosomatic illnesses, or manifest itself as passive-aggressive behavior.

Why does anger seem scary to us?

Very often, when a person hears about anger, he imagines anger and rage, something violent, with breaking dishes, shouting, insults, perhaps even physical violence. This picture is undeniably scary. This fear becomes an additional reason why people forbid themselves to be angry: no one wants to "turn into a monster. " nine0005

This logic also has its reasons.

1. Role models of people who suppress anger

So, parents who forbid their children to be angry also forbid it to themselves, and suppressed emotions accumulate inside them. Therefore, quarrels among such adults are almost always stormy: with the very screams, insults, broken dishes, demonstrative departures from home. After all, for them, such showdowns are a way to release a huge amount of anger that they have accumulated due to many annoying situations when they preferred to suppress their negative emotions. nine0005

Children in such quarrels are hard, scared, anxious, unsafe. They are afraid both for themselves and for their parents - these are the moments of maximum instability of their world.

After such episodes, the terrible idea of ​​anger is very firmly deposited in the subconscious.

2. There is no culture of living with anger

People who have not seen how to constructively resolve conflicts, but have watched anger suppression and explosions at the boiling point, it is difficult to understand how to act differently. It is a cultural paradigm that is broader than the family and the social environment. nine0005

In the modern Western world, there is still no generally accepted emotional culture. There is no clear “regulation” for the expression of emotions in accordance with the new norms.

Culture in this case is the rules of eco-friendly living of emotions, asserting boundaries, expressing one's claims, imposing conditions, sanctions for non-fulfilment, and getting what one wants (or reaching a compromise) without scandals and violence. For example, there is a culture of eating: at home we can lick plates, at the food court we take food in packaging with our hands, and in a restaurant we use cutlery. Or the culture of wearing clothes: no one will go to the office in a swimsuit, as well as in a suit to a gathering by the fire. nine0005

There are no such clear-cut norms and rules regarding living with anger. And often we have only ideas that we need to be silent and endure, and that aggression is a direct path to war. In recent years, more and more people talk about standing up for boundaries, assertiveness, the need to learn how to say “no” - and this is a very good trend. But we are still very far from the formation of a full-fledged culture of healthy emotional response.

See also

The cult of personal boundaries: how not to turn the protection of your individuality into bullying other people

What is anger according to science?

There is nothing superfluous in our emotional spectrum. Anger is a natural physiological response to the fact that our ability to meet our needs is threatened. This is one of the oldest ways of interacting with the world around us: a “fight” variant of the “fight or flight” response, in which the resources of our body are mobilized to eliminate the threat.

What time, such threats. For our ancestors, the “fight or flight” reaction meant: “Kill and eat the one who is weaker than you; flee from a predator that is stronger than you. " nine0005

In today's world, the threats are different: a colleague demanding to do her job for her; partner responding "Shut up!" to an attempt to talk about their experiences; parents who demand to enroll in law school, regardless of the child's wishes.

But the fact that we are no longer talking about life and death does not make the experience less significant.

In our brain, the amygdala is responsible for the formation of anger, which is activated in response to a threat signal. The amygdala sends a signal to the hypothalamus, which to the pituitary gland. The pituitary gland, in turn, stimulates the production of corticotropic hormone, which controls the synthesis and release of hormones from the adrenal cortex. The adrenal glands produce norepinephrine, epinephrine, and cortisol. As a result, blood pressure and heart rate increase, the level of glucose and fatty acids in the blood increases, blood rushes to the muscles: the body prepares to respond to the threat. nine0005

All this is a natural physiological reaction. It is designed to make us stronger and more fearless for a short time, so that we can show aggression, that is, defend ourselves through an attack.

Why should we be angry