Husband undermines my parenting

My Husband Undermines My Parenting

It’s hard enough when you have a control battle with your teenagers, but what do you do if you have a control battle with your spouse too?

If you have a question you’d like me to address on this podcast, don’t be shy, we’ll all benefit from your question so come on over to my website, neildbrown.com and enter it there today. And while you’re there, download a free copy of my Parental Burnout Recovery Guide.

Today we’re hearing from Toni, a Mom from Boston Massachusetts.

Toni writes.

I've read your book and I listen to your podcasts and they are spot on for our situation. My daughter and son, 16 and 13, are good kids, but both are quite challenging in there own ways. I want them to apply themselves in school and to invest in healthy activities. Right now my daughter is getting C’s and B’s with an occasional D. She has a lot of friends and she will hang out with them and be on her phone all day and night if we let her. My son has to be pried from his games to get him to do his work, which he can do easily, but could care less about. Here’s my problem, while I want them both to do better, my husband says they are just being teenagers and I should back off since they are good kids. How can I end a Control Battle with my kids if I’m in a Control Battle with my husband? He says that he didn’t apply himself in high school either and he turned out all right. How can I convince him that we need to hold our teenagers to higher standards? How can I get out of all these Control Battles in my life?

This is a common dilemma Toni, I see it in my office every day, so thanks for bringing this issue up.

The Control Battle can be complex and take many forms. Sometimes it’s helpful to think of it as choreography. In situations I’ve worked with like yours a common choreography is:

Kids under perform,
Mom gets upset and sets limits,
Dad thinks Mom is too uptight and won’t back her up,
Mom gets defeated, doubts herself and backs off.
Then, Mom puts up with under performance until it hits a new low,
Mom gets upset, Dad agrees kids need to shape up,
Kids improve slightly for a short period of time.
The dance goes on.

Toni, I don’t know if this is exactly your situation but I’ll bet some elements are accurate.

When One Parent Undermines The Other

Here are some basic principles that I think are important for all families and then we can talk about how to apply them in your situation.

The first principle is:

If parents disagree about whether or not a child can do an activity, the child cannot have permission unless they both agree.
If parents disagree about an acceptable standard, then the child is accountable to the higher standard.

Some of you may be thinking, "What if the parent with the higher standards has unreasonably high standards? What if they are unreasonably restrictive?"

Then, parents need to take that conversation off-line, and if they can’t resolve it, they need to get therapy and address it together. But parents should not undermine each other’s authority with the kids.

Parents should not undermine each other's authority with their kids. Click To Tweet

Toni, It sounds like that’s what’s happening in your family: you are being undermined. Now the question is why. My guess is that this is a long-standing pattern with you and your husband.

Your husband could be hard to get through to. He might be strongly attached to being a “nice guy” and has to play that role with the kids.

It might be that you carry around significant self-doubt, so when you get push back, you give in. It might be that because you allow others to discount you and over-step your boundaries, that when you set limits, you do it with frustration and emotion. Your family is responding to your tone and not the message. It becomes a way to discount your message and your limits. It may be a combination of those elements or maybe some I haven’t mentioned.

So, if you want to turn things around, let’s start by building a more empowered you. An empowered you will have a positive vision of your terrific kids and your well-meaning husband. Now, you will need to have a positive vision of yourself and believe that your standards and expectations are not only reasonable, but vital to your teenagers’ development.

Your standards and expectations are not only reasonable, but vital to your teenagers’ development.Click To Tweet

It's Time To Implement A Change

Toni, you might be in burnout from worrying so much, trying so hard and not getting support or results. If that’s the case, first take care of yourself. Where can you get personal support? What can you do to get calm and de-stress? Once you are on a healthy emotional place, you can take some steps forward.

You'll want to be clear about what your expectations are. They can include:

Limits on when kids have access to their devices
Quality of their schoolwork
Involvement in healthy non-academic activity such as music, art, sports, or performing arts
Home responsibilities

Make 100% sure that you aren’t going to allow yourself to end up in an argument or an emotional discussion with your husband or your kids. Expect resistance, because when you change your participation in a pattern, others will keep trying to bring you back into it, except this time, you aren’t going there.

You may need to take control of devices and you can do this by simply turning off the Wi-Fi or going to your cell phone carrier and suspending your daughter’s data plan. That will let your family know that you actually mean what you say. You aren’t going to argue. You aren’t going to fight. Your limits and expectations are real. You are happy for your kids to have their privileges, and I mean privileges not entitlements, they simply have to have their priorities straight.

Set the standard & stick with it: in order for your children to have privileges, they need to have their priorities straight. Click To Tweet

When your husband intervenes on their behalf, simply tell him that you want the kids to be happy just like him, and you want the kids to like you just like they like him. But, your first obligation is doing what’s best for them. It’s okay if he has different standards and values than you, but you are going to hold them to yours since you are a parent too.

Perform A Parental Self-Check

Listeners, I want all of you to ask yourself this question:

Where am I giving away my power? What would be different if I had a more positive outlook and brought my best thinking, my highest standards, set limits and eliminated self-doubt?

My guess is that, overall, you will be more effective, less resentful, happier and everyone around you will respect and appreciate you. Don’t take my word for it; give it a try!

Thanks for tuning in today everyone and a special thanks to Toni from Boston, Massachusetts for her question.

If you have a question you’d like me to address on this podcast, don’t be shy, I’m sure plenty of other folks will benefit from your question! Feel free to submit yours here.

And please, take care of yourselves; you need it, you deserve it, you’re worth it. Bye for now.

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How to Handle Parenting When One Parent Undermines the Other

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Parenting is hard enough without your partner contradicting what you do. Find out how undermining your child's other parent can hurt your kid and how to handle it if it happens to you.

November 10, 2021

Photo credit: iStock

We’ve all been there: It’s 9 p.m. on a Friday and Junior needs to get ready for bed. You nudge your kiddo and nod toward the clock. He starts to get up when your partner chimes in and says, “Honey, c’mon. It’s Friday, he can stay up a bit later.”

Junior gleefully flops back onto the couch for another episode of his favorite cartoon – you’ve just been undermined and you’re probably not too happy about it.

Moms and dads of all marital statuses don’t always see eye-to-eye when it comes to parenting the kids, and it can get really frustrating when the other parent steps on your toes, especially in front of the kids, but how you handle the situation when it happens is crucial to your kids and your relationship with their other parent.

Why it happens

For married or co-habitating parents, getting undermined by one another is typically caused when they aren’t on the same parenting page in terms of rules, limits or discipline, Greg Oliver, M.S., a psychologist formerly with Henry Ford Medical Center in Troy explains.

“They could have opposite discipline strategies. One might use a time out and the other might be the kind to spank,” he says. “In a divorce situation, one parent might talk poorly about the other or one parent might enforce different rules.”

And this sort of back and forth between parents can be confusing and harmful for children.

“Kids grow up more comfortable and more healthy when the environment is predictable and reliable,” he says. “When the same rules are enforced it prevents anxiety because the child can predict what the parent is going to do, no matter which one catches them.”

It also causes spouses to question the strength of their marriage, and for the one being undermined, anxiety over their parenting skills.

“It can cause that parent to doubt themselves and it makes them insecure,” Oliver explains. “Then they’re not going to be as effective parents because they feel like they’re in a helpless situation.”

How to deal

Luckily, there are some ways to combat being undermined by your child’s other parent.

Oliver says that communicating with the other parent about the common goals for your child and using that as a foundation, while avoiding accusations, is a good place to start.

“(If the parents are divorced), I would recommend for the first parent to find some success in their approach or what they’re doing and show the other parent,” he explains. “Married parents should have a conversation away from the kid and discuss the teamwork process. Once they see each other as allies, they can apply the parenting approach together.”

If the issue still doesn’t stop, he says that the parent being undermined should do their best and continue to enforce their ground rules because the child will usually see what’s truly going on.

“It won’t fix the problem but it will increase the odds (of parenting success) if one parent is trying,” he says. “Parents needs to do what is right for the child and the child will see that.”

This post was originally published in 2018 and is updated regularly.

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My husband undermines my authority in front of my son

Age of the child: 2.7

Tags: upbringing paternity

My husband undermines my authority over my son

Hello! I have such a situation. My son is 2.7 and it seems to me that the child does not love me. He does not want to be in the room with me, if the three of us (me, husband and child), he kicks me out of the room. I am very upset at such moments, but I try not to show resentment. I try to distract him or ask him why he is kicking me out; the child replied that he would play / watch cartoons with his dad / etc. Sometimes at such moments I go to another room and go about my business.

For example, when this is repeated day after day, my husband reproaches me for not taking care of the child. That I'm allegedly sitting on the phone, and I don't care about them (the words of my husband). Excuse me, but what should I do in those moments when my child kicks me out? And the husband is silent and does not say anything, and does not explain to him that this cannot be done. And this happens due to the fact that my husband undermines my authority in front of my son. Buys him what he wants, indulges him in absolutely everything. For example, the situation in a children's store: the son walks, looks at cars, tractors, wants to be bought. And then dad says, they say, son, yes, come on, of course. I answer that we have the same type of tractor, and taking this one is a waste of money. Why they ignore me and buy anyway. Or another situation when I forbid something, cartoons, a phone, or when I have to go to bed, the child immediately runs to dad. He hides behind him, shouts to me 'mom go away, I'm with dad', and then dad says: 'let him play / watch a cartoon / or not sleep for another 15 minutes.' Of course, I'm bad, but dad is good, that everything allows him and indulges. My husband will never support my order. He will do everything on the contrary, explaining that he is still small and does not understand anything. I talked with my husband more than once. In response, my words were turned upside down, that I reproach him that he bad father

Hello!

When there is no consensus in the family about how to raise a child, it does not become easier for anyone. Not only to you.

At first glance, it may seem that the child enjoys freedom from the father and enjoys it. But in fact, the child needs rules. And if they are not there, then there is a high risk of developing neurosis, hyperactivity, delayed maturation of the brain areas responsible for self-control.

It also seems convenient for the father of the child to do this now. He plays the role of a “good cop”: when you build all the rules and restrictions, and he allows everything and provides fun. But it won't last long either. Because such tactics can be followed only if the husband does not sit with his son all day. Otherwise, the absence of rules and prohibitions will result in children's whims, tantrums, and discontent.

As I have already said, the mind of a child needs prohibitions. Of course, no one likes them. But at a deeper level, they serve as a support for development.

This is what you need to explain to your husband.

Your son loves you. But he is still too small to understand how you feel (this does not mean that you cannot talk about your emotions when you feel bad), and he is not aware of the consequences of his actions.

He does not know how to predict the future, he does not understand that he can offend. He lives in the moment, here and now. And of course, he runs to dad or kicks you out of evil. And because it's easier to achieve what you want. Because the father regularly showed that such behavior would work.

A child simply cannot but love his mother, it is built into us by evolution. Without motherhood, the human race would not have survived. As soon as a child is born into the world, programs for following the mother are included in it.

Even more. If a child can turn away from you for a while, this means that he is confident in your love and stability in relation to him. That your affection is strong, and you will never leave him. And this is very important for the growth and development of a small person.

Unfortunately, while the husband is in opposition to you, it is difficult to build boundaries in the family. Even though they are needed.

And I perfectly understand your anger and resentment at everything that happens. The child is still very small, it is easy to manage. And the father takes not the most competent position in education, although, of course, very pleasant for him.

Therefore, I suggest you try 2 options:

1. Talk to your husband again and again (and again) about what is happening.

Try not to attack him. Do not say “you are wrong”, “you are doing this”, “you are spoiling it”. Use an i-message. For example:

"When you disagree with me in raising a child, I feel unwanted."

Or:

“I get very upset when I see that my rules are not being followed. You are a good dad. But please, let's try something else."

Try asking your husband for advice: “Do you think I'm too hard? Let me not ban anything else. After all, you allow it, and nothing terrible happens. ” This phrase is a bit slippery. It is important to pronounce it sincerely, with the understanding that, indeed, you too can become a “good cop”. And not mocking and poking a man in the nose with the fact that you, too, can not keep discipline, but then chaos will begin in general.

You can put your question into practice. Indeed, do not ban. And if anything, send the son to dad so that he decides, for example, whether to buy a typewriter, whether to go to bed. And if you go to bed, he helped brush your teeth and wash. And then I read a bedtime story.

2. Try to convey your views to the man, but in a more cunning way.

I'll make a reservation right away that manipulations harm the family system. Therefore, the tricky path that I propose has nothing to do with them.

Look at your man as a customer of the store to whom you have to sell goods - your thought.

In order for someone to buy something, a good seller studies the client, his fears and desires, his sore spots and requests.

Try to build your conversation with a man based on everything you know about him.

For example, he may want to be the best, kindest and most permissive father for his son. Most likely, the way it is.

And then you can talk about what role the father plays in the family system and what he should do with the child. About what mental phenomena are laid down thanks to the father.

For example, a father instills social qualities, independence, purposefulness and how the child will treat women in the future (the child learns this from the example of how dad treats mom). Based on this, it is very useful when a dad teaches a child something. For example, hammer in the same nail (toy at this age). Or talk to people around you.

To become a good dad, you need to spend time with your child doing something together. You can suggest it.

And this is also a tricky move. Because when they are alone and do something together (and not just watch cartoons), they will have to negotiate. And there are no rules without rules.

Practically in any literature now they write about the importance of father's upbringing. If your husband understands the language of numbers, look for studies that have examined the influence of fathers and rules on a child's life. For example, on our portal in the Research section there is a material about this: https://www.ya-parental.ru/professionals/research/

There is another interesting point. Often the opinion of a woman for a man is not authority. Alas, it happens. In this case, you can try to convey your views through other people whose opinion your husband listens to.

For example, through his friend, who also has children and knows how to set boundaries. Through his brother, father. Through lectures by professors or speakers that your husband respects.

And the best option is to do it all together.

That is, to talk about your own feelings. About the fact that you don’t give a damn about the child, that you are taking care of it, but sometimes you feel lost and want to cry with anger, because you seem to become unnecessary in the family (and here you can even ask your husband for help to support your authority , because the son listens to him, he is his dad).

And recommend literature and research. Communicate your views to a man through figures that are authoritative for him.

And to encourage the son and father to spend time alone, and at the same time do something together. We didn't sit in front of the TV. It can be a game "how to become a real man", where the father teaches his son "man's duties."

It is very important to remember, and I will emphasize it again, that your son loves you. He cannot help but love you.

But he lives in a certain system. And adapt to it.

Therefore, often, no matter what happens to a child, it is necessary to work on the relationship between his parents, on the agreements and rules on how to raise a child.

I sincerely wish you good luck.

Lilia Seryogina,
Psychologist of the Portal “I am a Parent”

Husband undermines authority in front of the child

Hello. Married 9 years. The child is 9 years old. My husband constantly pulls her over to his side, in front of me, in my presence, he constantly says: you now scolded her for nothing, she did well, although the child behaves simply terribly, receives comments for this. After that, the daughter immediately looks at me from the tuck, reproachfully, dad did well and you are nothing here.

Can call me simply: SHE. Situation: the husband is in the store, I call to say to buy a couple of buns, I ask the child, will you have something? Answer: I will apples. OK. I say, buy apples for the child, rolls for me. She comes, I sit down to drink tea, I have already started eating a bun, a child runs up: I also want it, I tell her, you didn’t want to, I have to leave, I made myself tea to have a snack. Husband runs away, give her a bun!!!

Cut off half, she left, I'm just sitting tambourine that I can ask too, they didn't refuse you, but you took it from me, I'm so angry almost a joke. Daughter enters: throws me a bun with the words: yes, eat your greedy bun.

Husband runs in: dada, the child felt sorry!!! Horror!!! Let's go, daughter, I'll buy you two of these now. And they really packed up and left. And things like this all the time! I'm tired of talking to him! He is the king and God was with his mother, the only son is everything for him, he does not hear anyone except himself! Please tell me, how can I exist in such an environment?? The child likes it all, she is amused by such an attitude towards me! I won’t buy extra pants for myself, but everything for her! How can or is it possible at all to correct this somehow? Thanks

Julia, hello. All this can be corrected.

For some reason (you need to find out) a coalition has arisen in your family, a confrontation with each other. It upsets the balance in your family. Terrible because you depreciate as a mother.

And it was formed as a result of the union of family members - husband and daughter against you. The coalition is open, like "parent and child against another parent."

Coalitions are always created in order for someone from the family to become authoritative and thus solve some of their hidden goals and problems.

And all this suggests that you do not have a good relationship with your husband. The child is simply drawn into the showdown between you.

This is corrected if desired: adults learn to build relationships among themselves and reach mutual agreement regarding the upbringing of the child.

But you are talking about your husband:

"I'm tired of talking to him!!! He was the king and God was with his mother, the only son is everything for him, he does not hear anyone except himself beloved!!!!"

A more important question: your relationship with your husband: he intentionally exposes you to constant stress, anxiety, tension. He does not show respect, devalues through his daughter, and probably a lot more happens between you. And "hears only himself beloved." And this has been happening for a long time.

In order to correct the situation in the family, a psychologist is needed.

If you decide, please contact us. I can help you.