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Husbands midlife crisis


Warning Signs of Midlife Crisis in Men and Affairs That Last

As men age, they often look back on the earlier years of their lives. Some feel a sense of fulfillment and relief. Some, however, feel some sort of wistfulness or even regret. Some feel lost, while some think they are missing out in life, and that they could be happier if they make drastic changes. These are the exact sentiments that often trigger a midlife crisis in men, and affairs often follow. 

A midlife crisis is described as a psychological crisis which is often caused by events that highlight aging, the possible lack of accomplishment, and the consequent reckoning of our own mortality. Often among 45 to 65-year-olds, these intense feelings often results in remorse, anxiety, and depression. 

People going through midlife crisis have a variety of symptoms, and oftentimes they show a contrasting range of behaviors. Many want to get back their youthfulness, some wish to change past events and decisions, others make drastic changes in their lifestyle. Some question their life choices and if it is too late to salvage their legacy. Some will become more vain and change their styles to keep up with the current trend. Some men stray away from their marriage and end up cheating on their spouses, also known as midlife crisis affairs. 


Signs Men Are Having a Midlife Crisis

Though many men end up getting a new sports car or a new haircut to feel youthful again, it is not always the case. For most cases, it is an existential crisis that causes men to question their life choices. While it is easy to assume that this psychological crisis is caused by the fear of getting older, it may be triggered by major life events such as a medical diagnosis, death of a loved one (friends or parents in particular), birthday milestones, kids moving out of the house, divorce, etc.

 Whichever the case, the signs can be tricky to notice. Here are the common signs of midlife crises in men.

Thinking life is a bore

If a man suddenly expresses apathy and restlessness in his job he used to love, he may be headed for a midlife crisis. Some men hit middle age and notice their ambitions and dreams are unfulfilled. Thus, they feel unsatisfied and want to shake up their routine. Some end up quitting their job and spending more time with their buddies. 

When middle-aged men feel unfulfilled in their marriage, it can take a toll on the relationship.

Increased need for adventure

Another common sign of a midlife crisis in men is an increased need for adventure and change. Making a big ticket purchase (sports car, big bike, etc.) is a tell-tale sign. Unfortunately, some end up having an affair to get that feeling of excitement.

Showing classic signs of depression

There are many signs to look out for; extreme sadness, pessimism, helplessness, hopelessness, loss of interest in things that were once enjoyable to them, inability to focus or make decisions, lack of energy, unusual sleep patterns, and sudden weight loss or gain. For middle aged men, these could be signs of a midlife crisis.  

Sudden need for a change in appearance or style

They say if you look good, you feel good. This is why men suffering from a midlife crisis will attempt to change the way they look. They start getting facials, hair plugs, and some may completely revamp their wardrobe for a new style.

Little to no interest in bed

Men with problems with their self-esteem generally struggle with intimacy and are unhappy with their sex life. They see sex with their spouse as an additional burden. 

Is There a Connection Between Midlife Crises in Men and Affairs?

Yes, there is definitely a connection between midlife crisis and affairs. However, this happens in both men and women (though more common in men), as both are similarly burdened by the fear of aging and their mortality. 

The saying “if you are not moving forward, you are falling behind” is a common belief among men. Since midlife crises often trigger the need for sudden change, men sometimes assume that nothing changes their lives more dramatically than changing their intimate partners.  

Some turn to pornography, others fall into destructive behaviors like alcoholism and gambling. Some even experiment on their sexuality, but in many cases they seek new partners. 

How to Cope with Midlife Crises in Men and Affairs

A 2009 study from the University of Zurich recommends people going through a midlife crisis to brainstorm key areas in their lives, such as:

Psychologist Dr. Erin Miers from Geisel School of Medicine, Dartmouth, New Hampshire, suggests men should heed their body's intuitive brain, consider their thoughts and emotions. 

Are you dissatisfied with where your life is heading? If yes, why? Do you wish to make up for lost time?

After answering those questions, the next step is to consider what is truly more important, and how can you move closer to it. 

If you think your loved one is going through a midlife crisis, then the best course of action is to speak to a mental health professional.

Mindfulness training also helps, especially in dealing with daily pressure. So do regular exercise and getting a new hobby that builds confidence and helps attain a better sense of well-being.

Partners should go to personal counseling and couples therapy. Sometimes, couples therapy can push one person too hard and cause them to give up and run away. Getting personal counseling helps each party identify that disconnect within their relationship and establish a strong starting point to help their response to the problem. 

Here are some benefits of personal counseling and couples therapy: 

  • It will teach the patient to be grateful and notice what is working and what is not in their lives and in their relationship.

  • Express appreciation, encourage support for growth, and affirm success.


Bottom Line

A midlife affair is a delicate case to handle, and in most cases, it will not be resolved smoothly without outside help. An affair breaks up the most fundamental element of marriage – trust. Thus, a whole new tact is needed to salvage or build a new trust. This is where the benefits of counseling and therapy excel – helping couples start anew. 

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Husband Midlife Crisis & Wives' Biggest Mistake

4 Min Read

Contents

  • How To Face Your Husband's Midlife Crisis
  • What You Can Do To Help A Husband Experiencing A Midlife Crisis
  • Comments (300+)

A midlife crisis in anyone can upend not only their lives, but also the lives of those they love. When it’s a husband midlife crisis, however, many wives go into crisis management mode and feel they must do something to fix it.

Typically, the need to fix problems is more of a problem for men, but it can be hard for any of us to see our partner lost, hurting, and self-destructive. So, when you believe your husband is having a midlife crisis, most wives find it very hard to do nothing.

One of the biggest mistakes a wife can make with a husband in midlife crisis, though, is pushing him to fix things. Often a wife’s response, although well intended, can just drive her husband even deeper into his midlife crisis.

Recently, a wife whose husband is having a midlife crisis asked me to give her some guidance on what to do. Here’s how she described their situation:

My husband of 21 years together 25, abruptly asked me if I was happy. Told me he wasn't and then he said I don't love you anymore. He's 48 and military and works 6.5 hours from home. I did the wrong thing and pleaded for a chance to work on it with him. We have 2 sons about to move to college and have talked about all the fun trips and things we will get when back to together soon, but now this suddenly came out? I see all the actions and behavior of a husband in midlife crisis, but what do I do?" -Nancy

How To Face Your Husband’s Midlife Crisis

So, what should Nancy do?

Although difficult, she will need first to accept that she can’t change him. What she can do, however, is influence him.

When you see the man you love destroying his life and yours in the process, it’s really hard not intervene. But in order to have the best outcome you've got to be strategic in how you respond.

Finding the most effective way to face your husband’s midlife crisis requires a calm mind. Anyone who’s spouse has had a midlife crisis knows that keeping calm and looking at things logically during this time is exceedingly difficult. The emotions attached to what you’re dealing with can just be overwhelming.

What does it look like to influence a husband’s midlife crisis? Here are 5 dos and don'ts that can accomplish this:

  • Give him space. Although this will be hard for wives to hear, many times one of the contributors to a husband midlife crisis is his relationship with his wife. Please note that I wrote 'contributor' not 'cause.'

It's important that wives hear this difference and not be personally hurt by the idea they could be part of the problem. Wives must continue to remind themselves that they're not going to be able to fix their husband's midlife crisis - only he can do that. The best way to help him to do this is not to push too hard and make him feel worse. So, give him space.

  • Don't label the problem. It's okay to try and understand what's happening with your husband, but be careful what you call it. For a lot of men any kind of suggestion of a mental health problem, such as a midlife crisis or being depressed, will be met with pushback. If you label his problem you could very easily lose his willingness to listen to your suggestions of ways to help.
  • Don't focus on symptoms. The reason for this is very similar to the reason not to label the problem. It's very possible that your husband may already feel that you either 'nag' him or only see the things he does wrong. Although your intent is to help him, by pointing out the symptoms of a husband’s midlife crisis. it's very possible he will only hear you 'criticizing' him.
  • Comment on harmful changes. Rather than pointing out husband midlife crisis symptoms, suggest ways the changes are hurting him. You can do this by making observations such as, "I notice that you don't seem to enjoy playing golf anymore," or "you seem more stressed and need to drink a lot more to relax."
  • Give hints at the possible problem. Another reason not to focus on the symptoms of husbands in midlife crisis is because it’s far more important to discover and address the underlying cause. When you have an idea of the possible reasons he’s facing a midlife crisis you can be much more effective in helping him.

I work with men and women dealing with midlife crisis on a weekly basis. Some causes I’ve seen include:

  • Feeling stuck in a career that has stagnated
  • He really doesn't enjoy being a dad (sorry, but this can be true)
  • Dissatisfaction with their marriage
  • Feeling disillusioned with how his life has turned out

We all are inclined to reject the help of those closest to us. Some of this is just human nature, and some traces back to power struggles with our parents.

Sadly, and to our detriment, this tendency can still exist in adulthood as we can reject loved ones who try to help us too. This is why it's so important just to ask, suggest, and reflect on what you see happening during a midlife crisis rather than directly telling your husband what to do.

What You Can Do To Help A Husband Experiencing Midlife Crisis

A husband midlife crisis can be very complicated. Often there are multiple causes that have led him to this point. Understanding what those possibly are can help give you an idea how you can support him in getting to the other side.

It’s important to know there are no shortcuts, which can mean you need a large amount of patience.

Unfortunately, handling things poorly can extend a midlife crisis even longer than necessary. Leading to tragic consequences like, money problems, addictions, and even divorce as the impact of a midlife crisis takes its toll.

How a wife responds can make a huge difference in the responsiveness of her husband. Although, I must say that a husbands' response is solely his responsibility, and even though a wife can be a big influence, ultimately his behavior is up to him.

There are significant psychological issues occurring during a midlife crisis, so getting the help of a professional counselor is very important for both him and you. I work with wives every week guiding them on the best way they can influence their midlife crisis husband.

In the meantime, wives can best help their husband in midlife crisis by not being 'Mrs. Fix-it' and following the recommendations above.

Join the conversation and please share your thoughts and experience with a husband in midlife crisis in a comment below.

Editor's Note: This post was originally published October 31, 2012, was updated on November 17, 2017, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.

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Every fourth person goes through a midlife crisis. This is a difficult life period, when people are haunted by the fear of aging, regrets about the past and the fear that they will not be able to achieve anything.

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Today we want to tell you how to understand that your spouse's state of mind is far from harmony and balance, and what to do to protect your family from possible negative changes in his behavior.

Sign #1: He no longer appreciates what he has

Studies show that many men in their 40s and 50s feel unhappy. According to experts, the life satisfaction curve has a U-shaped bend, the "bottom" of which falls just at the time of the crisis. But the good news is that when it's over, your partner will be able to experience joy again.

Sign #2: His behavior has changed

This is a typical symptom of any crisis: all those close to you begin to feel like they are dealing with a stranger. Changes can affect a variety of areas - from hygiene and nutrition to consumer behavior. For example, it is during such periods that men often begin to buy luxury items - expensive gadgets, cars, or accessories for hobbies.

Trait #3: Risky Behavior

When men think about the inevitable aging, they often begin to feel like they are about to miss the chance to do something cool and crazy that can make life truly unforgettable and fulfilling emotions. At such moments, people tend to take risks: master extreme sports or take on new endeavors, the success of which is doubtful.

Feature #4: Change in beliefs

A midlife crisis is a period when people reassess their values. Sometimes this can seriously affect all family members: for example, when a man announces that he wants to “start all over again” and change his profession to a completely new one, or demand to move from the city to the countryside. Sign #5: Nostalgia But often men are nostalgic for a time when they had fewer worries and responsibilities, and try to return it.

Feature #6: constant comparisons

Yesterday you didn’t know what car his cousin Vasya drives, where his best friend Kolya rests, and how much his boss Ivan Semenovich earns. But suddenly something went wrong in the husband’s head, and he talks about it all the time, comparing himself with those around him - and always not in his favor.

Do you often compare yourself to others?

What to do?

The first thing you need to know is that a midlife crisis is not depression. Over time, your husband will get better without the need for antidepressants or therapy. Here is what you can do to get through this period with minimal losses:

  • Listen to your husband. Try not to blame or condemn him, but to have a constructive dialogue that will help find a compromise.
  • Remind him of his achievements - this will benefit a person who imperceptibly devalues ​​everything he has achieved.
  • Give him time and space to sort out his feelings. Sometimes a person just needs to calmly think about his life in order to improve it.
  • Take care of yourself. This is the most correct thing when a partner plunged into his problems. After all, you are his age and also have the right to a crisis!
  • Take him to a psychotherapist. It's the fastest, easiest, and most productive way to get through your midlife crisis without loss.

My husband is having a midlife crisis. How to act and what NOT to do in any case | Psychology of life | Health

Your faithful friend suddenly started going to work in a parrot tie, signed up for a fitness center, changed his hair, and yesterday you found him stuck to the glass of a car dealership selling Ferrari. But, worse, he began to look at you only with contempt, and a bunch of incomprehensible numbers appeared in his notebook. Congratulations, most likely, the notorious demon that comes to every fourth man along with the first gray hair has reached the ribs of your beloved ...

Only a lazy person has not written a book or made a film about the midlife crisis. And most importantly, the authors of these bestsellers are mostly men, so all the information is presented with a kind of subtle humor, self-irony and, of course, makes all the machos who recognize themselves in the main character smile. But for some reason, not a single work tells what we, women, should do in this situation, and in general, where did this notorious midlife crisis come from? In fact, everything is simple. In the life of every man there is a very carefree period when he “scatters stones”, and a more serious one, which usually comes closer to forty years, is the time to collect stones: to sum up, reap the fruits of previous activities, evaluate the results. So, a midlife crisis occurs if, after digging around with “stones” for five years, a man suddenly discovers that he has a bad job, his wife is a vixen, children are blockheads, bald and there is not a single dream come true.

What's next?

Most often, the crisis occurs in men who do not do what they want, or those who have not achieved what they planned. Although it happens that a completely successful representative of the stronger sex becomes a victim of a psychological problem: wealthy, attractive, with a luxurious wife, smart children and an expensive car. One fine day, the thought comes to his mind: “What next? Well, I will have more money, I will buy another house on the sea ... And is this really all that shines for me in the future ?! At this moment, it seems to a man that there is no better way out of this situation than to fill his life with something new, bright, sometimes even extreme.

The secretary as a symptom

If you suspect that a midlife crisis has seeped into your family, take a closer look at your missus - the symptoms of the problem are painfully obvious. The first and main sign - the man has changed! And you see it not only you, but also his friends, colleagues and even your children. However, the metamorphoses that have occurred with your lover are so vivid and impressive that it is difficult not to notice them. One day you are surprised to find that your spouse has bought a gym membership (although he always despised jocks), a walkman and a ticket to a concert of a trendy alternative band. In the fitness center, he made interesting acquaintances, which brought new hobbies, and very youthful ones: for example, the missus began to snowboard or drive around the city at night by car. The vehicle, if opportunities permit, also changes: the place of a still quite good foreign car is occupied by some, perhaps not at all fresh, but red or yellow, sports car. On top of that, your husband, who has worn only a gray suit to work for the past 15 years, suddenly changed it to a canary, and in combination with an alien tie and sneakers. And, of course, he has a new secretary! Olga Sergeevna, who served him faithfully, left, unable to withstand the competition with the busty blonde Alena, who despises skirts longer than her knees. But the worst thing is that the darling has become completely unbearable. Even in those rare hours when he appears at home, the spouse is irritated and unfriendly with you (you cook tastelessly, you are dressed terribly), and he behaves with his own children as if they were strangers.

Struggle for a worn treasure

Faced with a midlife crisis, immediately decide to what extent you are ready to immerse yourself in trying to pull the faithful out of this state. To end? Then be patient and strong. First, never talk badly about dad to children and do not express your obvious grievances against him in front of them. Try not to discuss the behavior of your spouse with your offspring at all, even if they are already 18 years old, and the father behaves worse than their peers. Just keep being the best mom in the world to your kids. And even, in some places, dad. Believe me, when you survive the crisis, everyone - both offspring and spouse - will be immensely grateful to you for this. Secondly, more often remind the missus of life moments when he was “on horseback”, and those cases in which he obviously likes himself. Do not laugh at your husband's new hobbies, but at the same time try not to let him forget how everyone respected him even when he was still walking in a gray suit. Tell him that you were literally driven crazy by his old way of dressing, but at the same time express your willingness to love him in a canary jacket.

Take your husband on vacation under any pretext. Leave the children to their grandmothers and go with your spouse to conquer the Nepalese slopes, hunt in the African savannahs, ride a board on the Californian waves - in a word, do any extreme sports that your crisis spouse is now in favor with. Forget about shopping in Milan - you fly later with a friend.

Needless to say, you should drop your suitcase with mobile phones and a laptop at the border so that they definitely do not work the whole trip? And, of course, before the holidays you will have to spend a month in the fitness center and beauty salon - you must be perfect! After all, nothing will bring a spouse to a sense of self-satisfaction better than the thought that this lady, luxurious in all respects, is his wife.

Your task is to help your husband regain mental balance, self-confidence and try to re-teach him to enjoy simple things: the moonlit path, the sunrise in the mountains, the naivety of children and just the opportunity to live. If you didn’t succeed and the worst happened - the faithful went on a spree, know that usually “anti-crisis sex therapy” lasts no more than two years. Then the emaciated Don Juan reappears on the threshold of the family nest, full of repentance. Do you need this worn treasure, decide for yourself.

Plump instead of macho

Keep in mind that not all men fall into the clutches of a crisis because of unsatisfied ambitions. For some, events develop according to a different scenario. One day, the missus approaches the mirror and finds in it not the handsome macho man he used to consider himself to be, but a plump mattress with a belly protruding from under the T-shirt, bags under the eyes and a bald patch breaking through the once thick curls. Here, of course, I remember yesterday's shortness of breath after climbing to the third floor, and my own children, whom I want to wash, cut, change and rip off their headphones, from where strange music sounds, and my wife in a classic tattered bathrobe. A vile thought appears in the head of the unfortunate man: “God, I am no longer young! I don't understand my offspring! And who will explain to me what this woman is doing in my house? The result of such sad reflections is depression, longing and, again, the desire to change everything.

No cognac, no sex

The symptoms of a depressive midlife crisis are not very bright (the man does not wear pink ties and does not skateboard), but they are extremely unpleasant. Your cheerful husband, the soul of any company, suddenly becomes sullen. More and more often at dinner you hear from the faithful that he mismanaged his life, he had to go to another institute, then everything would have turned out differently and the children would have studied in London, and you would have spent your vacation on a yacht. In general, he is getting bored and uninteresting, he wants nothing: no sex, no cognac, no sauna with friends, no football.

The age is not the same

As soon as you notice that your spouse has fallen victim to a depressive crisis, begin to take an unobtrusive interest in his affairs and be sure to pay attention to his achievements. Moreover, even if they are small, focus on the fact that he is doing what he loves, and he does it remarkably well, and everything else - success, wealth, fame - will come later! Remind the faithful more often that you still have a lot of time ahead and he will have time for everything. And the phrase “the age is not the same” is generally excluded from the lexicon.

As for the mandatory vacation to get out of the crisis, you should not force a melancholic indifference person to hang on rocks or dive for sharks. Choose a beach holiday and take your child with you. But do not forget to find out in advance whether the hotel has animation or a children's room, where the offspring can be rented for a while. A crisis macho should have the opportunity to enjoy an evening cocktail brought by a tanned wife in a white bikini, and the next morning with pleasure to tinker in the sand with a baby. In this scenario, even if your spouse “destroys” himself for days on end with thoughts about what a loser he is, the realization that he still became a good husband, an excellent father and can afford a vacation at sea will help him perk up.

Opinion of a specialist

Anna Topicheva, psychologist:

– During a midlife crisis, a man begins to look for someone to blame, and, as a rule, his wife gets the most. It’s easy to explain: after all, it was you who witnessed everything that your spouse had to endure. And many successful men do not want the woman who is next to him to know him as a poor student or a shuttle with a checkered bag on his back. Since memories cannot be deleted, he has to change his companion! After all, the new young wife will know him only as a winner. In addition, having entered into marriage for the second time, it seems to a man that he gets a chance to live another life. There is only one advice for a woman in this case - try to be extremely calm and discuss his emotions with her husband honestly, sincerely and without prejudice, like old friends. In times of crisis, many men do not realize that any divorce is painful and rarely leads to a happier life. If the spouse understands this, there are chances that he will change his mind about leaving the family. Moreover, most often the desire to divorce is imposed on men by new mistresses.

7 crisis "don'ts"

1.

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