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Husband low self esteem


When You Love a Man With Low Self-Esteem - 9 Things to Keep in Mind

by Paul Graves

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So you love a guy with low self-esteem. Sucks to be you. I’m saying that as a dude who used to hate himself. Who still kind of does. I know the crap you deal with. He must drive you nuts.

I was in a relationship with an angel, let’s call her Mary. Mary was such a pure, beautiful soul. We connected. Looking into her eyes filled me with comfort and calmed my fears. Mary loved me so much, and I loved her too. But I hated myself even more. Long story short – I ran away from her love. The love I felt unworthy of. I sought validation and distraction in women, alcohol and career moves. And in many other dark ways I won’t mention.

Low self-esteem is easy to explain yet hard to understand for some. It’s feeling shameful about who you are. Feeling guilty or embarrassed about who you are, deep in your core. You feel ‘different’. Damaged or flawed in fundamental, irreversible ways. You don’t love yourself. Your man may never admit it outright – but he wishes he were someone else.

Alas, there’s no return policy in life. We’re stuck in this skin forever, and the hate, the self-pity – it gets us nowhere. But here’s the rub:

When a man is dealing with low self-esteem, he’ll make mistakes. Big mistakes. My shame and low self-esteem led me to become reckless. I felt a constant, nearly unbearable background anxiety. I had to make myself feel different. I had to escape. Luckily, there were several reliable methods: nonstop partying, irresponsible sex, starting businesses, spending lots of money, exotic traveling. My worst nightmare was being alone, in a quiet room. I couldn’t stand my own company. Maybe your man feels the same way, I pray he doesn’t. But my feelings aren’t unique.

The mistakes I made led to more shame and guilt. And then more mistakes made running away from those feelings. The cycle continues. This leads to what I like to call the 9th dimension of shame. The hole can get so deep. The spiral of pain seems unstoppable.

Your man’s low self-esteem can manifest in a variety of ways. Every guy will act out in his own way. Some pull back and hide, some flee and seek experiences. Others party and rage, or try to prove themselves at work.  It’s troublesome for both the sufferer and the poor individual who loves them so much. Low self-esteem is tricky; the sufferer can distract himself or run away from it for years. He may not even realize that the darkness he feels is low self-esteem. And it’s f*cking heartbreaking.

If you love him, he will need you to get through it. You may be able to show him the light. Don’t give up on him, he needs you. Many times it will be confusing, and he may hurt you without wanting to. (Trust me, he doesn’t want to hurt you. He hurts enough just being himself.)

Here are some important things to remember: a cheat sheet to get you through tough times. And maybe to help him see the truth of his ways.

  1.  He loves you so much, but hates himself even more.

    He’s lost. You two may have such an obvious, beautiful opportunity for love but he squanders it. He only sees his own shortcomings. His pain and depression is like a dark, heavy, thick blanket that he just can’t shake. But like I said above, he may not even realize it. He’s not trying to mess with your head. He’s not unreachable. However he is in a state of constant anxiety, always wishing he could be someone HE loves. If you say ‘I love you’, he probably thinks: ‘Why would you? You can’t. You’re wrong’.

    He yearns to love himself, and the struggle to do that can ruin your relationship. This should be a good thing, right? Not all men act out this feeling in healthy ways. It will be hard but think about their perspective. If they don’t love themselves maybe you can do something to help them. If you love him, do what you can to help his HEART. Buy him books on spirituality, ask him how he feels about himself. Listen, and if required seek the help of a licensed therapist or psychologist.

    A book I recommend is No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover. It was a wake-up call, and helped launch my wild journey of transformation. Don’t let the title fool you, it’s a book about shame, self-worth and learning to accept yourself. It’s a powerful starting point, buy it now.

  2. He may seek attention outside the relationship, or activities without you.

    This was a huge factor in my relationship ending. My low self-esteem led me to crave attention from other potential partners. I was addicted to approval and validation from other women.

    Maybe he likes attention from others, flirtation and come-hither looks. I hope you haven’t caught him on dating sites or apps. That was another thing I would do – I craved the attention so much. Maybe he also yearns for people to tell him how cool he is, how great he dresses, or what a sweet job he has. Point is, he’s just crazy for attention.

    He seeks attention and approval from other people – but what about you? Self-esteem is a real b*tch. He thinks that he has to either prove to himself that he’s worthy, or look for evidence of it anywhere he can. ‘If other people tell me I’m great, then that must mean I’m great.’

    It may be common sense to you – that we should all love and respect ourselves as human beings. But to a sufferer of low self-esteem, this isn’t the case. Having low self-esteem is like being in a courtroom. And you’re guilty until proven innocent. He’s shameful at the core of his being. His soul appears blackened, damaged and irreparable. He craves escapes from reality.

    Try to talk with him about this. ‘I think you act like this because you like how it makes you feel, right? Why do you need to feel this way?  Can’t you just be yourself, how you feel now?’ ‘Why aren’t I enough?’ ‘Do you need help learning to love yourself?’

    If your man can’t handle this conversation, consider moving on. He’s not ready. It must be him who makes the changes necessary to heal. It is NEVER on your shoulders to do this for him.

  3. He believes he must have ‘got lucky’. He feels unworthy of you.

    At first he cherished you. You were his prize. He held you close, showed you off to the world. It was intoxicating and intense. But soon, he knew he ‘had you’ and started looking around. The high that you and the new relationship gave him faded. The drug wore off, so he’s seeking fresh supply. He needs more intense intoxicating experiences to feel okay about himself.

    I had an amazing partner in Mary, but I didn’t believe I was worthy. She could see the man I was, beyond the shit-storm that was my life. She saw through my shame and self-hatred but I couldn’t buy it. I was too deep in my own trance.

    I thought I’d got lucky, that I’d fooled her somehow. So I needed to prove that I could be worthy of someone amazing. Does that sound stupid or what? I wanted to be able to ‘earn someone’ who everyone else wanted, to prove to myself that I was a valuable man. Then I could love myself.

    Remember that this isn’t about you – this is about a hole he has in his heart. He needs to know that he didn’t just ‘get lucky’ when he landed you. Don’t let him feel that way! Please, tell him you love him. Tell him everything you think is unique and enticing about him. Don’t make it only about appearance either. If he feels like he fooled you, he will not treat the relationship with the respect. This is an important point.

  4. He may be restless, or always trying to prove something to the world or himself.

    Some call it ‘hustle’ or ambition. Maybe he has grand ideas or entrepreneurial zeal up the wazoo. He wants to create something that will change the world. That’s wonderful, but in his case it may be a cover-up: a distraction from voices in his head. The voices that say, ‘you’re not enough’. He’s trying to create a life that will prove his worth.

    He doesn’t want a life without you. His big dreams or grandiose desires get him out of his head. They give him hope that maybe one day, just maybe he will be able to like the man he is. After he does all this awesome stuff.

    There is nothing wrong with drive and initiative. But why is he so driven? Why does he desire so much?  If we bothered to ask ourselves ‘why’ we want the things we do, we could save ourselves much heartbreak. We’d stop running after so many shiny red balls. We could live with more purpose. Your man should ask himself why he wants to accomplish so much.

    To bring him down to earth, remind him how much life there is to live right now, in this moment. This moment, between the two of you. Kiss his lips, hold his head in your hands. Tousle that hair and look deep into those eyes you love so much. Say, ‘I love you for exactly who you are, right now’. Tell him he is enough.

    The point isn’t to make him an aimless, lazy ass. It’s to make sure he has his motivation and priorities in the right place.

  5. He can be extremely jealous or insecure about other men.

    My ex, Mary, had to think that I was perfect and wonderful at all times. She was my entire support system, and my source of confidence and security. She was my everything. (And yet I treated her awfully – aren’t men the greatest?)

    If I felt threatened or not #1 importance in her life, I would start to lose my sh*t. The low self-esteem inside your man creates an enormous hole. He filled it with you, and sprinkles in other things like vices and attention from others. When you threaten to leave them empty again they go crazy or become irrational.

    He doesn’t want you to suffer. Nor does he want to dominate you. He doesn’t know why he feels this way, but it’s because he hates who he is. In effect it’s self-defense, your actions hurt him. It’s painful enough just being who he is – when you threaten to make him feel even worse about himself … he lashes out or gets uncomfortable.

    Nothing about this is okay. I’m only telling it like it is.

  6. It can be near impossible to get him living ‘in the moment’.

    Many guys with low self-esteem are living in the past. He may be guilt-ridden and woeful over opportunities he failed to seize. Maybe he regrets not doing better in school, or choosing a better college. He might feel like a failure and disappointment to his family. Who knows, the point is he rides himself down all the time.

    Alternately, he’s living in the future. He dreams of a day when he can ‘be happy’. You may feel sad because it seems all he cares about is making lots of money, accomplishments or fame. Or making his family proud. He may seem to leave you out of his utopian vision of the future. But he probably just feels he’ll only worthy of you once he conquers the world. He feels he’s unworthy of happiness until he proves himself. These thoughts consume him and he’s desperate for that sweet moment of relief when he’s ‘made it’.  Problem: it’s never coming.

    You love him exactly as he is, right? Tell him that right now.

  7. True commitment scares the sh*t out of him – but not for the reason you think.

    In my relationship, I was afraid because I didn’t know who the hell I was. The only parts of myself I knew were sh*t. I didn’t feel like a good person, so who would want to be with me? I convinced myself that I was helping by not giving her marriage or children. By not giving her 100% true commitment I was doing her a favor.

    I didn’t believe in myself. I had no faith in my own goodness or potential. I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle the hard times that would come.  My feelings were ‘everything I touch turns to sh*t, so why would I waste her time? It’s doomed from the start, and I do not want to hurt her’.

    No advice here, no matter what he’s going to give you the ‘deer in the headlights’ look. Knowing this may help you understand the complexity of a man. He needs to learn to love himself through the hard times before he can love you through the hard times.

  8. He may enjoy seeing you in pain or suffering for the relationship.

    Sick, huh? Hate me if you want, I don’t care. I come in truth. This is a tough one to talk about. Self-esteem can get so low that a man gets validation from seeing his partner suffer. Seeing a person go through hell for us, feel pain caused by us – can actually give us pride.

    It’s a dose of the ‘I’m worthy’ drug … ‘Look at how this person goes crazy for me, I must be worthy’.

    Enough said, it’s time to leave the relationship. Hurt never justifies hurt.

  9. He adores you – but he needs to learn how to love himself.

    Your guy has to learn to love himself. This includes all the deepest and darkest parts too, the parts that scare him to death. The unfaced and unfelt parts of our psyche are the source of all neurosis and suffering. Carl Jung said that, not me.

    If he only loves a certain part of himself like his looks, the rest of him will just go on undeveloped. In many ways I was like a child before. I avoided pain or sacrifice every chance I could, and I turned into a big man-child. If this is happening to your man, you must stop it right away.

In the end, you can get over this together. The bond between you will be unbreakable, and he will love you forever. He’ll never forget that you were the girl who helped him discover the greatest love in the universe. His love for himself. Stick in there, but develop a plan right away. Not only is he suffering, you are as well. Take action now. If he refuses to draw a line in the sand and change his life, it may be time to walk away.

About the Author: Paul Graves

Paul Graves writes about pain, shame, and better living through self-acceptance at TakeTheLemons.com. He lives in Ohio with his 7-year old daughter and two cats. 

Paul is on Twitter and Instagram.

10 Things to Expect When You Love a Man With Low Self-Esteem

It is well-known that sustaining a long-term romantic relationship, whether you’re married or unmarried, takes work. Love takes work.

It isn’t always going to be full of passion and attraction. But, what about loving a man who has low self-esteem?

It’s difficult to figure out if your man has low self-esteem. He may be incredibly handsome and successful, yet, a few weeks or months in, you may discover pertinent character flaws in him.

Men with low self-esteem can be very difficult to love. Simply put, falling in love isn’t the difficult part, sustaining a relationship or dating someone with low self-esteem is the challenge.

You may be here exactly for that reason. You may be wondering how to deal with men with low self-esteem ? How to deal with low self-esteem in relationships?

Don’t worry, this article will help shed some light on this matter.

Just take a long, deep breath, exhale, and continue reading.

What is low self-esteem in a man

To figure out the signs of low self-esteem in a man, it is imperative you know what low self-esteem means.

What is self-esteem? It is basically how a person evaluates their worth. So, low self-esteem means that your man may be viewing himself as less worthy.

He may be feeling shameful about himself, his potential, his characteristics, and so on. He may be looking down upon himself. He may be lacking confidence in himself. men with low self-esteem do not like themselves.

When it comes to men with low self-esteem, they are capable of loving someone else but are incapable of loving themselves. Low self-esteem in men manifests as feeling damaged in basic or fundamental ways.

You must understand that your man may not admit it directly, but he may be wishing on the inside that he was like someone else.

The concept of self-love is sort of alien to such men. You may be feeling upset and sympathetic for your man after knowing all this.

It’s okay, it happens. Your head may be flooded with questions like how to help a man with low self-esteem ?

Well, to help out your man, you first need to know what you may be in for. What to expect?

How does low self-esteem impact your man? Don’t worry, just read the next section to understand the effects of low self-esteem.

Low self-esteem: The effects on a man

Men with low self-esteem show certain signs of the same. To understand whether you’re dating a man with low self-esteem, you need to know about these signs.

Why? It’s because these signs are the manifestations of the effect of low-self-esteem.

Here are some of the ways in which low self-esteem may have impacted your man:

Men with low self-esteem will have a generally negative outlook towards life. It’s true and it’s sad. They lack positivity and optimism.

They’re not even pragmatic. They may be downright negative. And the thing is, this negative attitude can be there about several things- the big and small things.

This is another general characteristic in men with low self-esteem. They may be wary about an upcoming promotion at work. Your man may love pets but is very unsure about getting one for himself.

He may be wary about cleaning his apartment. There are many such signs to understand this impact.

  • Low self-confidence

This is probably one of the simplest impacts that you can observe in your man. Does he not feel great about his skill set or his looks or his success? It may be because he has very little confidence in himself.

This is one of those characteristics of a man with low self-esteem that can have a major impact on his quality of life.

  • Addictive behavior

This is one of the more subtle signs of poor self-esteem. Low self-esteem can make a person prone to becoming addicted to substances such as alcohol, nicotine, hard drugs, pornography, and so on.

Now that you know about the impact of low self-esteem in men, let’s move on to what you can expect from men with low self-esteem in relationships.

10 things to expect when you love a man with low self-esteem

You may consider expecting the following things if you happen to have fallen in love with a man who has low self-esteem:

1. His hatred for himself may exceed his love for you

Now, this one might probably be the biggest pill to swallow as a partner. Yes, it’s true, men with low self-esteem may be struggling to love you more than he dislikes himself.

Unfortunately, guys with low self-esteem are lost. They can go through times when they fail to see the beauty of the relationship they have with their significant others.

Why? It’s because they’re engrossed in hating themselves. If you say you love him, he may be busy wondering why you do because he may feel unworthy of you.

Also Try: Does My Husband Hate Me Quiz

2. He may be prone to seeking validation through activities that do not involve you

This one is quite tricky to grasp. If your boyfriend has low self-esteem, he may have a wandering eye. This means he may be quite flirtatious with other people.

Why does he do this? He does this because it’s his way of feeling validated, wanted, and worthy. This is one of the things that you must be very careful and aware of.

3. He may feel unworthy of your love and presence in his life

Yes, this can happen. Why? Your man may think that the reason you two are together is that he somehow got lucky just this once.

Initially, he probably cherished you. It’s as if you were his prize. This happened in that initial phase of intense attraction and infatuation.

But when that phase is over, he’ll try to find ways to prove that he is worthy of your commitment and love. When it comes to learning how to deal with a man with low self-esteem, always remember this.

Also Try: Do I Deserve Love Quiz
  

4. He may be quite restless

One of the things that may have initially drawn you to your boyfriend might have been his love for hard work or his ambition.

But this comes from a place of restlessness and desire to prove to the world that he is worthy. That’s why men with low self-esteem may often be very restless.

5. He may be highly competitive, even with you

You might, unfortunately, learn about this aspect of dating men with low self-esteem the hard way. You do not want to tap into their competitive side.

You might discover this characteristic through simple things like playing board games with him. You may even experience this when you experience major success in life.

Say you’ve bagged that big promotion. men with low self-esteem won’t take this the right way. To your man, he may see this as another evidence of the fact that he is not enough.

He may therefore behave competitively with you.

Also Try: Why Am I Single Quiz for Male

6. He may be quite insecure and suspicious

Jealousy, insecurity, and suspicion come easy for men with low self-esteem. As a partner, you will essentially become the source of your man’s confidence and worth.

That gaping hole inside of him is filled with validation from you. So, it’s very easy for such men to feel threatened or jealous by the presence of other male figures in your life such as your close friend, your cousin brother, your coworker, etc.

7. The victim card will be used very often

When it comes to men with self-esteem issues, be prepared to witness the “woe is me” mindset. Such men have an external locus of control. So, if anything unfortunate happens to them, they are sure to blame it on others.

He’s not well? It’s because his colleague forced him to party too hard the night before. Meeting didn’t go well? It’s all because of his co-workers.

Everything is somebody else’s fault. Are you ready to deal with this?

Related Reading: Self-Esteem Makes Successful Relationships

8. He may be very scared to commit to you

Commitment is a tough one for him. Committing to you is very scary for him. It’s not because he doesn’t love you. It may be because he loathes himself and thinks he is protecting you from misfortune by not committing to you.

Sounds twisted, right? Well, it is a distorted way of thinking.

9. He may get a kick out of hurting you

This may sound really harsh but it’s true. Low self-esteem in males may manifest itself through hurting you.

Men with low self-esteem have such a high need for external validation to feel worthy that they can sort of like hurting your feelings.

Seeing you feel upset or cry over them is one of the ways in which they feel worthy in your eyes.

Also Try: Why Am I Scared of Relationships Quiz

10. He may behave like a child very often

Men who have self-esteem issues often have this overbearing need to be pampered by their partners. They can get really clingy sometimes. Such men want their girlfriends to be their mothers.

You may find yourself having to take care of his food, clothing, medications, and so on.

Here’s how dating a man with low self-esteem feels like:

Conclusion

When it comes to loving men with low self-esteem, just remind yourself that it’s not your doing. It’s on them.

Loving such a man can be challenging but through active listening and empathy, accepting hai defensive nature, healthy coping mechanisms, and encouraging him, you can navigate your way through this.

Got a husband with low self-esteem. Should a woman try to improve her (what consequences may await)

A person with low self-esteem cannot be fully happy. In addition, he can rarely make his companion happy, since living with such a person is extremely difficult. If we are talking about a man who is your husband, you will feel these problems for yourself. Therefore, self-esteem needs to be increased. However, in this matter you cannot go too far, since the result of such diligence may upset you. nine0003

Benefits of a husband's low self-esteem

Some women find a husband who has low self-esteem a big boon. They can manage it (especially powerful women like it), do whatever they want, make decisions, regardless of the opinion of their chosen one. Ladies who consider themselves independent and freedom-loving will opt for just such a man. They cannot be condemned, since every person has the right to choose the model of life and behavior that he considers most acceptable for himself. Men in such a marriage also feel comfortable. They are ready to obey their wife, gladly hand over the reins to her and enjoy their secondary role. nine0003

Disadvantages

There are far more of them than advantages, because it is very difficult to live with a man who has low self-esteem. At first, such behavior may seem adequate, it can even be mistaken for kindness and non-conflict. However, later you will have to face the following difficulties:

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  • A man does not consider his merits and successes significant, therefore he constantly tells a woman that he is not worthy of her.
  • The guy tries to look perfect, but he does not succeed, so his behavior is more like the actions of a naughty child than an adult man.
  • He tries to disguise his self-doubt. To this end, he often criticizes the chosen one. nine0020
  • He is a pessimist, so he sees the world in dark colors. It's boring with him. Any initiative of the girl to change something for the better is immediately stopped.
  • A man with low self-esteem is very jealous and is able to stress a woman with his jealousy.
  • The guy will never be successful in his career, because he is afraid to take risks and do something to improve the situation.
  • A man cannot stand up for himself and his family, so those around him will have the opportunity to manipulate his household. nine0020

Secret signs of men with low self-esteem

Such guys are generally overly modest, non-confrontational, quiet and withdrawn. They allow not only to manipulate themselves, but even to mock themselves. However, it may happen that you do not immediately recognize such a man, since the signs will not be obvious, but hidden. In this case, you run the risk of recklessly believing a person, but then becoming very disappointed in him.

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Here are signs that should alert you: you.

  • Constantly apologizes to everyone, considers himself guilty always and in everything.
  • He forgives everything to everyone, does not see obvious signs of humiliation of his manhood. nine0020
  • No initiative.
  • Often in a melancholic mood and a depressed state.
  • Depends on other people's opinions.
  • Shows aggression when a topic that is painful for him is raised (talks about him, his relatives, interests, and so on).

    • Ways to increase male self-esteem

    If you communicate with a man who has low self-esteem, this will immediately cause difficulties in mutual understanding. Therefore, you need to do everything possible to help a person become more confident in himself. To do this, you need to choose the right strategy. Here are some tips to help you:

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  • Your common home should become the place where it is always understood in everything. You should not provoke him, cause jealousy in him, make you doubt. You should always be on the side of your husband and do everything possible to make him comfortable and calm next to you. nine0020
    • Never use a haughty, sarcastic or aggressive tone. Speak gently and gently, demonstrate your disposition and understanding (do not confuse with pity and a desire to please).
    • Help your spouse find an incentive for self-realization. Your advice will be very useful, as it will help him regain faith in his strength.
    • Do not compare your chosen one with other men.
    • Introduce him to sports.
    • Include more successful people in your social circle, do not communicate with those who act negatively on you or your partner. nine0020

    The positive consequences that your efforts can bring

    If you succeed, you will be the happiest woman in the world. Your partner will not only appreciate himself, but will also adequately evaluate you, children, relatives, and those around you. He will be able to provide you with stability and protection, he will be able to earn money and guarantee you a decent financial position. You do not have to pull everything on yourself, you will distribute all the responsibilities and resolve any issue in a timely manner, without bringing the situation to a serious problem. nine0003

    The negative consequences of trying too hard

    Remember that helping your partner build self-esteem is a noble cause. However, at the same time, one should not forget about self-esteem and elevate the guy to the status of a king. No need to constantly praise him with or without reason. Otherwise, he will acquire not self-confidence, but a sense of his own exclusivity. It is necessary to stop any attempts to rise at your expense or belittle your dignity, emphasizing your own. Love your chosen one, but still love yourself more. nine0003

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    A man and a woman with low self-esteem: what will happen after the wedding?

    Low self-esteem and choice of spouse

    1. A person with low self-esteem is characterized by high anxiety and a low level of the formed self-image.

    a) His self-esteem is based on excessive attention to the assessments of others.

    b) The dependence of his self-esteem on others limits his independence. nine0003

    c) He hides his low self-esteem from others, especially when he wants to impress.

    d) His low self-esteem is determined by the limited experience, which prevents him from understanding the advantages of individuality.

    e) He never separated from his parents. This is manifested in the fact that he copies their behavior all the time.

    2. A person with low self-esteem is constantly worried about the possible actions of others, he is always alarmed and expects deception and disappointment. nine0003

    a) When Mary and Jo began therapy, the first thing the therapist did was to find out what hopes and fears were stirring their souls at the very beginning of their romance. Their choice of each other was not accidental. There was something about each that gave the other confidence. There was also something (which they noticed in each other, but did not openly admit) that created anxiety and uncertainty. The therapist should help them find other manifestations in the behavior that inspire anxiety, overcome the uncertainty in the relationship. nine0003

    3. Perhaps Mary and Joe knew what they expected from each other, since each of them acted on a peculiar level of protection, and not an inner feeling.

    a) Joe's actions outwardly looked independent and clear, but at the same time he felt insecure, helpless, dependent. Probably, when Mary met Joe, it seemed to her: "He is a strong man who is able to protect."

    b) Mary acted independently and openly, but inside she felt dependent, helpless, misunderstood. Perhaps when Joe saw Mary, he thought: "This is a strong person, this person can take care of me." nine0003

    c) After the wedding, each of them discovered that the other was not at all the strong person he had hoped for. As a result, disappointments, frustrations, fears fell upon them.

    4. It may seem surprising how Mary and Joe decided to look for a spouse, having such low levels of self-esteem and being so little self-confident. However, some teenagers deal with their anxieties through sexual intercourse.

    a) The state of falling in love for a while helps to increase self-esteem and feel self-sufficient. Everyone thinks: “It seems to me that you understand me ... I am happy that I have you ... I need you to survive ... I feel strong when you are near ... "

    b) Both decide to live for each other, concluding a "lifelong union". At the same time, everyone thinks: “If I get tired, you will help me, you will have enough strength to support both of us.”

    5. Anxiety did not leave Mary and Joe, but, having chosen each other, they decided not to share them, a) Joe was afraid that Mary would stop loving him when she found out about his imperfection (and vice versa).

    It seems that Joe decided for himself: “I should not demonstrate my own insignificance, as well as the fact that in every woman I suspect infidelity, uncriticality, inflexibility, causticity and lust for power. I should not show my conviction that the only way to coexist with a woman is to leave the stage in time and let her play the show herself. nine0003

    It seems that Mary decided for herself: “I should not show that I am insignificant. I also should not show that I consider all men helpless, dependent, indecisive, weak, giving women the same worries and that the only way to coexist with a man is to give him a shoulder in time so that in a moment of weakness he has something to rely on.

    b) So, everyone hoped for the other, but thought about himself. Each believed that he should be the way the other sees him, correlating his opinion with his own level of self-esteem. nine0003

    When Mary made it clear to Joe that she thought he was strong, he was able to feel strong because she saw him that way (and vice versa).

    This type of relationship could exist until an external influence or the need to make an important decision would require Joe and Mary to act together. Only then does a carefully concealed weakness or dominance surface.

    c) Neither Mary nor Joe asked each other about the hopes, expectations and fears, since both were sure that they were able to understand the partner's soul (figuratively speaking, it looked as if each of them lived next to a glass vessel). nine0003

    d) Since each acted on the basis of the idea that he should satisfy the other, none of them dared to say when he was dissatisfied with the other, or directly express a critical remark, disagreement. They acted as if they were inseparable from each other, like Siamese twins.

    Here's an example: I once had a married couple at my reception. In the first two sessions, they sat at the table, holding hands, not paying the slightest attention to their child, on whom what was happening was reflected in all its tragedy. nine0003

    Eventually, Mary and Joe got married to receive:

    a) Everyone wanted to be appreciated by the other. Both wanted to be appreciated by others: "They got married and are now happy."

    b) Each wanted the other to have those qualities that he liked (which he would like to have in himself).

    c) Everyone wanted the partner to be an extension of himself.

    d) Everyone expected from the other omnipotence, omniscience, selflessness, to be a “good parent”, and at the same time wanted to avoid omniscience, omnipotence and “bad parenthood”. nine0003

    Difference and disagreement

    1. When they got married, Mary and Joe did not realize that they would have to give as well as receive.

    a) Each of them believed that he had nothing to give to the other.

    b) Each of them believed that the other, being a continuation of himself, had no right to expect anything from him.

    c) If one of them gave something to the other, he did it reluctantly, experiencing considerable discomfort or presenting what he had done as a sacrifice, being convinced that he had to receive exclusively. nine0003

    2. When, after marriage, Mary and Joe find that their partner does not live up to their expectations during the courtship period, they are disappointed. Now, twenty-four hours a day, each of them “flashes” the embodiment of qualities that he did not even suspect before the wedding, and therefore, shattering his expectations to smithereens.

    a) Mary sleeps in curlers.

    b) Mary digests beans all the time.

    c) Joe is throwing his dirty socks all over the room. nine0003

    d) Joe snores in his sleep.

    3. When, after Mary and Joe's marriage, they discover that their inherent differences are more likely to lose than to win, they begin to see each other in a new light.

    a) "Difference" seems to be a negative factor, as it leads to disagreement.

    b) Disagreements remind each of the partners that the other is not an extension of himself, but a different person.

    4. By using the term "difference" I seek to embrace the whole of human individuality and to show that each person is fundamentally different from everyone else. nine0003

    a) People can differ in physical characteristics (A - tall, B - short; A - male, B - female).

    b) People can differ in character traits or temperamental features (A - excitable and sociable, B - calm and reserved).

    c) People can have different educations and have different abilities (A understands physics, B - music; A has “golden hands”, B sings well).

    d) The difference between spouses usually entails destructive consequences, which makes it difficult to perceive it as an opportunity for self-development. nine0003

    5. Mary and Joe are most worried about the following differences:

    a) Different preferences, desires, habits, tastes (A loves fishing, B cannot stand it; A likes to sleep with the window open, B prefers that the window be closed).

    b) Different positions and opinions (A believes that a woman should be strong, B expects manifestations of strength from a man; A follows religious dogmas, B ignores them).

    6. Difference, leading to a conflict of interest (disagreement), is perceived as an insult and evidence of a lack of love. nine0003

    a) It seems that it threatens the independence and self-respect of each of the spouses.

    b) One gives, the other receives. However, energy resources are clearly less than necessary. Who will get what is available?

    c) Before the wedding, everyone thought that the other was enough for two. But with the advent of disagreement, there is a feeling that they are not even self-sufficient.

    7. If Mary and Joe had enough self-respect, they could trust each other:

    a) Each would feel confident in his ability to take what the other gives him.

    b) Everyone could even look forward to it.

    c) Everyone could give to another without feeling empty.

    d) Differences between self and spouse could be seen by each as an opportunity for self-development.

    8. Mary and Joe don't trust each other enough.

    a) Everyone feels that he can hardly ensure his own existence apart from the other. nine0003

    b) Everyone shows with his whole appearance: “I am a nonentity. I live for you." But at the same time, everyone behaves as if he wants to say: "I am a nonentity, so you must live for me."

    9. Due to the lack of mutual trust, certain areas of life together, within which the ability to take into account the individuality of the other becomes of paramount importance, seem especially frightening to spouses. Here they are: money, food, sex, entertainment, work, raising children, relationships with spouse's relatives. nine0003

    10. Even if they trust each other, living together requires them to make decisions about when and under what circumstances to give and when to take. They must decide:

    a) What will they do together (what is the degree of their dependence).

    b) What will each of them do independently (what is the degree of their independence).

    11. It is necessary, one way or another, to regulate the participation of everyone in everyday affairs:

    a) What A wants and what B wants.

    b) What does A do best and what does B do best.

    c) What A decides and what B decides.

    d) What is A responsible for, and what is B responsible for.

    12. They need to learn to express their thoughts, desires, feelings and opinions without hurting, suppressing or humiliating each other, and at the same time make a mutually beneficial decision.

    a) If they manage to build a functional relationship, they say this: “I think what I think, I feel what I feel, I know what I know. I am me and I don't blame you for being you. I will gladly listen to whatever you have to say. Let's think together what we can do to create something as realistic as possible." nine0003

    b) If they are unable to establish a functional relationship, they say: “Be like me; be one with me. If you don't agree with me, then you're bad. Reality and difference have no meaning."

    13. Let's take a trivial example of how a "functional" couple behaves when they have disagreements. Suppose a couple decides it would be nice to have lunch together. But A wants to eat, say, a hamburger for lunch, while B prefers chicken. The hamburger restaurant doesn't cook chicken; and where you can eat chicken, there are no hamburgers. nine0003

    a) Each can try to persuade the other: "Please have a hamburger."

    b) Everyone can use the trick: "Let's eat a chicken now and a hamburger next time. "

    c) Perhaps they will try to find an alternative solution that would suit both of them: "We both love meat, so let's have a steak", or "Let's find a restaurant that serves both hamburgers and chicken."

    d) They can take a realistic approach, and the solution they come up with will outweigh their own desires: "Since the hamburger restaurant is closer and we're both hungry, let's stop there." nine0003

    e) They can contrast their own desires with the desire to have lunch together: “You will eat the hamburger that you love so much, and in the meantime I will have chicken, and then we will meet again.” They may separate for a while and find independent solutions if possible.

    f) As a last resort in making a decision, they may resort to the help of a third person: “Charlie wants to have lunch with us. Let's ask him where he would like to go."

    14. And now, using the same example, let's see how people behave in such a situation, whose relationships can be called "dysfunctional". They proceed from the principle that love and complete harmony in everything are inseparable. Therefore:

    a) They constantly hesitate and put off the decision for later: “Let's decide later what we have” (as a result, they often skip lunch altogether).

    b) You can often see attempts to coerce the other: "We're going to eat hamburgers!" nine0003

    c) It happens that one tries to deceive the other:

    “In fact, you don’t even like chickens at all” or “Are you crazy, how can you love chickens.”

    d) One way or another, in their communication there are invariably accusations and assessments: “You are so bad and selfish that you do not want to eat a hamburger. You never do what I want. You have the meanest intentions for me."

    15. The relationship between Mary and Joe suffers from some dysfunction, and therefore, when there is a disagreement, they say: "If you loved me, you would do what I want." They never resort to the technique of separation and finding independent solutions; negotiated independence is not possible in this case. nine0003

    16. Mary and Joe blame each other because they feel disappointed and offended; they expected full agreement on all issues.

    a) They were expecting to receive high praise from another, but instead they face accusations against themselves.

    b) They thought they would be one, but instead they meet division and difference.

    17. However, if Mary and Joe accused each other too openly, this would lead to very serious consequences. Joe acts like he made up his mind:

    “If I blame Mary, she will leave. I can't let that happen because I need her to appreciate me. Suppose Mary refuses to leave because she doesn't really care about me at all. Suppose, on the contrary, she accuses, offends, plunges me into the abyss of loneliness, dooms me to psychological death, forces me to leave.

    “No, this cannot be allowed! I need Mary. I am responsible for her. I must not hurt Mary, otherwise she will leave me. If I offend her, then I need to be as careful as possible. nine0003

    Mary does the same.

    18. Differences between Mary and Joe inevitably unfold at a hidden level. (The fact is that most of the messages that they send to each other are hidden, or rather, they acquire it.)

    a) When Joe and Mary want to blame each other for not giving anything to the other, they must mask their claims, and so the communication takes on a covert form.

    b) When they want to ask for something, they also have to mask their requests, and therefore communicate on a hidden level. nine0003

    19. Here is an example of a hidden request. Let's say Mary wants to watch a movie.

    a) Instead of the phrase: “I want to watch a movie. And you?" she'll probably say to Joe, "You want to see the movie, don't you?" or "Wouldn't it be nice to see a movie."

    b) If she had to disguise her request even more carefully (if, for example, she was one of those people who are called "schizophrenics"), she would probably say: "A new cinema has opened in our street" or "I love conditioned air. " nine0003

    20. And here is an example of how covert accusations are made. Suppose Joe does not respond to Mary's request.

    a) Instead of saying, “You don’t listen to me when I ask for something. You are a bastard!”, Mary says: “No one pays attention to me.”

    b) Or, if for some reason she needs to hide her accusation even deeper (as schizophrenics do), she can say: "The whole world is just deaf."

    21. When requests and accusations take such an implicit form, any third person present at the same time is confused and tormented by questions: “Who wants what and from whom? Who did what to whom? " nine0003

    a) The child may be completely confused.

    b) The therapist is sometimes completely confused until he has a clear idea of ​​​​who the requests and accusations are coming from and to whom.

    22. In tracing a continuum from the most functional to the most dysfunctional relationships, the authors of desires and accusations are discovered less and less.

    a) They are more often addressed to the nearest planet than to the closest person. nine0003

    b) Responses to requests and accusations become more and more evasive.

    Messages seem to be addressed to no one. The answers to them are also pronounced as if into the void.

    23. Mary and Joe often ignore requests and accusations, moving away from the situation. In doing so, they expose this apparent departure as a hidden accusation.

    a) They can get verbose: "Do what you like ... Do what you want ... Dear, you are always right."

    b) They can leave without any comment, literally leaving the “battlefield”, at the most critical moment of the decision-making process, while transmitting the following hidden message: “Do what you want. My absence is a necessary condition for living with you.”

    c) Drugs, sleep, alcohol, inattention, “stupidity” when they make it clear: “Do what you want. To live with you, I have to be crazy."

    d) They can go into somatic diseases, thereby saying: “Do what you want. To live with you, I have to be sick." nine0003

    e) In extreme cases, withdrawal into mental illness can be carried out, which means: “Do what you want. To live with you, I must be crazy."

    24. Under the guise of evasiveness and ambiguity lies the desire of Mary and Joe to free themselves from the conflicting feelings that torment them and find out if they love each other.

    a) Everyone tries to carefully hide their disappointment.

    b) Everyone tries to calm, protect the other and make him happy, because he needs him in order to live. nine0003

    c) Whatever they do, the way they do it speaks volumes about how frustrated, exhausted, and deprived they feel.

    25. My therapeutic experience suggests that the more covert and indirect means of communication people use, the more dysfunctional their relationships seem to be. However, so far no word has been heard about couples whose behavior I call "tug of war syndrome". nine0003

    a) Everyone says: "I'm right!", "No, I'm right!", "You're a bastard!", "No, you're a bitch!"

    b) Couples whose behavior resembles a tug-of-war at least enter into an open confrontation.

    They don't pretend to agree when they really don't.

    One of the spouses does not confuse his desires with the desires of the other. Each of them can perfectly hear the desires of the other, since most often they are simply shouted out. nine0003

    It is not difficult for a third person to understand that these two really do not agree with each other, and to express their opinion on this matter.

    The tug-of-war man and woman do not deceive themselves, or each other, or those around them about how disappointed they are. However, their lack of self-respect creates a mutual need for each other, and they feel trapped. They may agree with difference, but not with separation. nine0003

    26. In general, if the relationship between Mary and Joe reaches an extreme degree of dysfunction (their child has a serious deviation), then there is a low degree of self-esteem, high expectations and little trust. Thus, they can easily form a relationship in which the self of one of the partners at the surface level becomes inseparable from the other. The uniqueness of the individuality of each of them can be recognized only implicitly.

    a) Joe seems to say to himself: “Mary needs me, I am responsible for her. I must not quarrel with Mary, otherwise she will leave me. Mary and I are no different. And between us there should be no disagreements, except perhaps over trifles. She feels the same as me, loves the same as me, thinks the same as me. We have the same blood, we live for each other.” nine0003

    b) Each is so frantically trying to protect and please the other that his whole life is reduced to trying to guess what his partner needs.

    Each allows the other to control him, while being filled with internal indignation.

    Each takes responsibility for controlling the other, while also feeling resentment.

    27. As a result, everyone acts like a parent, sometimes like a child.

    a) Everyone says: "Let me manage my own life (although I would not want you to do that!)". nine0003

    b) In addition, everyone says: “OK, I will control your life (although I would like you to do it yourself)”.

    c) Everyone plays the role of either a strong and confident person, or a helpless and weak person. In the structure of relationships there is a place for only one strong and confident person.

    d) Everyone lives as if he is on his own, and the status of a husband or wife has absolutely nothing to do with it; as if individuality and marriage were incompatible.

    28. Before getting married, Mary and Joe never really showed their own individuality.

    a) Now, having entered into marriage, they try not to show those rudiments of individualism that were present in them before, in order to properly play the matrimonial role.

    b) Now they direct all their strength to live for each other.

    c) But at a hidden level, they go out of their way to show their individuality.

    29. Mary and Jo continue to have such a relationship as they didn't expect anything else.

    a) Perhaps they will always cherish the hope that things will be different for them. (In life, the same thing always happens, but maybe this time everything will change.)

    b) Meanwhile, Mary needs to defend herself against her fears with the same tactics that her parents used against each other, since this is the only thing she knows. (Joe does the same.)

    30. Whatever the relationship is not established between Mary and Joe, one way or another, they are disappointed with what they have received.

    a) Soon, to what is left of their individual roles, and what they are trying to turn into roles of spouses, parental roles will also be added.

    b) If they find it difficult to combine personality and spouse, then the task of being a parent will also seem difficult to them.

    

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