Never listens to anyone

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Reasons You Don't Listen I Psych Central

Listening is a part of our waking hours, but sometimes it’s easy to tune out. Understanding why you’re not listening well and how to improve your listening skills can open your ears to hear more.

Every day we hear words coming out of people’s mouths. However, listening to those words is different than just hearing them.

According to the Oxford English dictionary, the word “hear” is defined as “perceive with the ear the sound made by (someone or something),” whereas the word “listen” is defined as “make an effort to hear something; be alert and ready to hear something.”

“Listening is hard work,” Michael P Nichols, PhD, professor of psychological sciences and author of “The Lost Art of Listening,” says. “It takes concentration and effort and self-restraint.”

While it’s not necessary to listen with concentrated attention all the time – such as during casual conversations – Nichols says that listening is important when talking with people you care about or when someone is talking about something they care about.

“Then you need to listen with effort,” Nichols says. “When someone is talking about something important to them, or they are moved by strong feelings, they need to be listened to more carefully.”

Understanding why people don’t listen can help improve your listening skills. Here are few to consider.

You have the urge to tell your story

When someone is talking, Nichols says, instead of listening, we want to talk about what’s on our mind.

“We frequently interrupt to tell a similar story or say something about our own experience,” Nichols states. “It’s a natural impulse, but it needs to be restrained if someone is talking, and they need to be listened to.”

You want to give advice

When someone is sharing something that is upsetting or if the person talking is unhappy, it can be uncomfortable to listen to them. In hopes of getting the person to feel better, so you don’t have to feel uncomfortable, you might be inclined to tell them how to solve their unhappiness or tell them not to feel upset.

“We know that it’s not OK to say something like, ‘Well, if your dog died, why don’t you go out and get a new one?’ but we get around to that eventually,” says Nichols.

You just want everything to be OK

Because it’s unpleasant to be around someone frustrated or upset, especially if you care about the person, Nichols says you might tend to want to make their pain or frustration go away rather than sit with them in their pain.

For example, if someone tells you they lost a job or were diagnosed with an illness, rather than listening to the details of their situation, he says people tend to say things like, “You’ll get through this” or “Things will look up.”

You react emotionally

If you are being criticized, emotions are triggered, and it is natural to get defensive and not listen to what the person is saying.

This can also happen if a person is talking about something you don’t agree with.

“For instance, if I tell you, I wouldn’t get vaccinated because it’s a government hoax, this might make you upset, and you might fire back right away without listening to my entire reasoning,” states Nichols. “It might be better if you hear me out and then acknowledge what I’m saying before saying your opinion. ”

You’re bored

Even if someone is talking about something that feels important to them, it might not be interesting or important to you. Feeling bored can make it harder to tap into your listening skills.

Nichols adds, “One of the reasons people get bored is that they listen without interest and passively. So, if someone is talking to you, ask questions and get involved in the conversation.”

You’re distracted

Distractions – internal or external – are sometimes hard to ignore.

How many of us will turn our heads when we hear a loud noise? If you’re watching an action film with lots of explosions and car chases, it’s pretty hard to carry on a conversation at the same time.

Loud noises aren’t the only distractions, either. Sometimes instead of listening, we might find our minds wandering to things we need to do later.

While someone is talking, you might be occupied thinking about what you’re going to cook for dinner or what time the pharmacy or dry cleaner closes.

To focus on the person when they’re talking, it’s important to get rid of both internal and external distractions.

You think you know what people are thinking

While people tend to think they communicate better with close friends than with strangers, an older study found that sociologists believe that closeness can lead to closeness-communication bias – an overestimation of how you communicate.

As a result, sociologists suggest that people actively pay attention to strangers’ perspectives because they don’t know them well. However, when it comes to a friend, they rely more on their own perspective or assume that they always understand what they are saying because they know the person.

“If you are close to someone, you think you know what they’re going to say, so you tend to interrupt and say, ‘Yeah, I know what you mean,’ or you don’t hear them out,” says Nichols.

If you’re looking to improve how you listen, the following tips can be helpful.

Realize it takes effort

Understanding that listening, not just hearing, takes hard work is the first step to becoming a better listener, says Nichols.

“When someone is talking about something important, [consider] making an effort to understand not only what they are saying, but what they are trying to express,” he encourages.

Empathize with the person

When someone is talking, try to acknowledge what the person is saying with a brief empathic comment.

“Often punctuated with an exclamation point like, ‘Oh man!’ or ‘Gee, that’s a shame!’” says Nichols.

Invite more conversation

A good listener will ask questions that encourage the person to expand on what they are sharing.

“Questions designed not to be a detective, but rather to invite the person to say more,” says Nichols.

Phrases like, “Tell me more about that,” or “How did that happen?” can keep the conversation going.

Acknowledge you are listening

Repeating back what you think the person is saying can let them know you’re making the effort to understand them.

“People often acknowledge with a brief statement that says, ‘I know exactly what you mean,’ which suggests you’re really saying, ‘I got it. Let’s move on,’” states Nichols.

He suggests using phrases that show you are trying to understand but want to make sure you do, like, “OK, so you’re saying we shouldn’t get a vaccine. Do I have that right?” or “Is it the way he talked to you that upset you?”

Don’t overdo body language

While many people think direct eye contact, nodding, and making sounds like ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ show someone you are listening to them, Nichols warns that overdoing this can look insincere.

“All those are motivated by the desire to look like you’re a good listener, but if you do listen well, maybe you nod and make eye contact, but making a point of it is saying, ‘Look at me; I’m a good listener,” he suggests.

Try not to multitask

While the urge to multitask is always there, consider putting activities like scrolling on your phone, cleaning the dishes, and others on hold when someone is talking with you.

“If you care about someone, pay attention to them and what they are saying,” says Nichols.

However, when it comes to technology and communication, such as texts and emails from family and friends, he adds that failing to respond can come across as not listening.

“Try to answer and acknowledge tasks. [Consider] responding no matter what they said. It makes people feel understood,” Nichols says.

Practice mindful listening

Practicing mindfulness helps you stay present. This practice isn’t useful only for meditation and lowering stress. It can also help you become a more active listener.

If you tend to zone out when listening, practicing mindful listening will help you learn to focus on what the person is saying without distractions.

Before you start your conversation, remove all distractions such as phones, electronic devices, or computers. If you’re watching a movie, turn it off and turn your attention to the person who’s talking. Take the time while you’re silencing or shutting off your electronics to practice some deep breathing techniques to help prepare yourself to listen.

When you train your mind to become more focused in the moment, you will learn to listen more effectively.

Listening is hard work and takes effort, however, there are ways you can learn to become a better listener.

How to work with someone who can't listen

How to work with someone who can't listen | Big Ideas Communications
Article published in Harvard Business Review Russia

Rebecca Knight

September 25, 2017

It is very difficult to work with people (colleagues or even bosses) who do not know how to listen. They may interrupt you, chat incessantly, get distracted or wait impatiently for their turn, the result is always the same: you realize that you are not being heard, and because of this, errors occur. How can you help your colleagues learn to listen? Should you discuss this problem with them and how best to do this? nine0012

What the experts say

“It's extremely unpleasant to communicate with those who can't hear you,” says Sabina Nawaz, a coach for top managers and CEOs of international companies. “If your interlocutor does not pay attention to you, this affects the quality of your message.” You, for example, can "lose your train of thought" or "not say what you originally intended." It is quite possible that you will begin to look for someone to blame, take the behavior of a colleague to heart and reproach him for arrogance. Christine Riordan, president of Adelphi University and business coach, says the potential problems go beyond "misunderstandings and resentment." An employee's inability to listen can have extremely negative consequences for the entire workflow - so this issue cannot be left unattended. nine0012

Here's what to do if your employees don't listen to you.

Think about the difference in working styles

Some of your colleagues may be in the clouds and do not pay attention to important things, but it is possible that they perceive information better visually than verbally. “Some people listen better and some people see better,” says Riordan. She advises "to ask how your colleagues prefer to receive information." Ask: "Would you like us to discuss this issue, or would you like me to put it in writing for you?" Try to be flexible and understanding interlocutor, adds Nawaz, do not waste people's time in vain. nine0012

Think about your own behavior

When you encounter a colleague who doesn't listen, take a look at yourself and ask yourself if you're a good listener, Riordan says. Negative examples are no less instructive than positive ones. Think about your approach to communication, as well as what you can improve in it, advises Nawaz. Perhaps you are talking incoherently or overloading the interlocutor with numbers. Or what you say lacks consistency. Evaluate your own communication style, then you can be a role model. nine0012

Pay close attention to what you're talking to

To help your colleagues listen better, pay special attention to what they're saying, says Riordan. Try to understand the point of view of your interlocutor. Nawaz recommends writing down what he says (literally one or two words). When there is a pause in the conversation, repeat the point of view of your colleague and at the same time express your own opinion. “Your task,” says Nawaz, “is to think about the people you communicate with and why they communicate with you.” nine0012

Emphasize the importance of your message

Emphasize the importance of what you say at the very beginning of the conversation. Riordan advises starting a conversation with the words: "I need to talk to you about something very important, I need your help." This will serve as a signal for your colleague to prick up their ears and listen to you. Riordan also advises repeating the main idea of your message "several times and in different wordings." Do it openly and directly. Say: "I am repeating myself, because it is important for me that you understand me correctly." This way you will be sure that what you say was heard. nine0012

Cultivate a sense of responsibility

It's also important to “oblige” your colleagues to listen carefully to what you say, Nawaz notes. For example, when talking to a constantly distracted boss, let him know that "he's on your hook" and that he will have to speak his mind at the end of the conversation. You can say: “I will tell you about three possible strategies, and at the end I will ask you to choose one of them.” Be open about your priorities, Riordan adds. If you are in contact with a colleague who is often forgets

conversations, set a deadline with him so that what you need from him "fixed in his head." Say, “This task is critical to the project. By what date can you complete it?

Show participation

Criticism of colleagues can be fraught with consequences. But you can voice your opinion about their behavior if you approach the issue with empathy and participation, Nawaz says. “Try saying, “You seem to have a lot of things to do that need your attention. Can I help you with something so that you do not have to be distracted during our conversation? ”, The expert advises. Your question must be absolutely sincere, otherwise it may sound aggressive. Be lenient with distractions from your co-workers. If the other person's phone doesn't stop ringing, pause and ask, "Do you need to answer?". Perhaps he will say: “No, I will turn it off now,” or maybe: “Yes, I am waiting for an important call, can we return to the conversation later?” nine0012

Address the issue directly

If you're on good terms with a colleague or boss who doesn't listen well, you can speak up directly. Be sure to use an example of a situation in which your colleague did not listen carefully to the interlocutor, and this led to disastrous consequences for the entire team, says Riordan. But be careful: to be effective, you must have a really good relationship with your interlocutor. Otherwise, he will perceive your words as attacks and will defend himself. nine0012

Propose a new social contract

If the problem persists, you can also propose a new “social contract” that defines “how team members can communicate with each other,” adds Riordan. When making a decision at the level of the entire team, you do not single out someone specific, but negotiate with your team. The contract, which you will have to "update regularly", will state that no one "should dominate the conversation" and that "everyone should be able to have their say." Such arrangements work best in companies with a strong corporate culture. If upper management does not support this idea, you will not succeed. “I've seen teams where this approach would never work,” says Riordan. If your team is in this category, give it up and think about how you can improve communication with colleagues. nine0012

Basic principles

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8 simple steps to teach children to respect and hear their parents?

Naughty children: why did they not please their parents?
In order for such children to behave "normally", adults have to make efforts: to restrain, control, repeat, refuse, punish and warn. And that's the point: we don't want to strain ourselves by raising children. It would be more convenient for the child to be controlled like a toy with a remote control.

You tell your child: “You need to wash your face” or “Wash your hands!”, but he does not listen to you. You remind that it's time to break away from the computer and sit down for lessons, he frowns with displeasure: "Leave me alone!" - Of course, it's a mess. nine0012

Smart parents have funny, smart and obedient children. Moreover, smart and loving parents take care of this: they make sure that their children are not only smart, but also obedient. This seems obvious: if you want to teach a child to do good things, you first need to teach him to obey you elementarily.

Unfortunately, ordinary children have long been accustomed to not listening to their parents: you never know what they say! And the point here is not in the children, but in us, in the parents, when we say things that are important for us to the children somehow not seriously, not paying attention to whether the children are listening to us or not, when we put forward our demands unconvincingly. nine0012

Your requests should be calm but clear instructions, sound weighty and be accompanied by control. The child must know that your words are not empty words, and if you warn that toys that are not removed are thrown away, they really disappear. If a parent approaches a child with a confident request, knowing that he has leverage, the child will respond to such a request.

But it's not just about the right wording and levers of influence, there is another important trick in building relationships with a child, namely, whether your child has a HABIT to obey you. "To obey or not to obey parents" is determined not only by what and how the parents say, it is also determined simply by the child's habits. nine0012

There are children who have the habit of mindlessly obeying everyone, and there are children who have the same habit of mindlessly disobeying anyone. Obeying "everyone" or "no one" are equally bad habits, but the habit of obeying selectively, namely, OBEYING YOUR PARENTS, is a great habit! Your children should have the habit of paying attention to what you say, the habit of doing what you ask them to. Teach your child to listen and obey you, and you will have your parental authority, you will have the opportunity to raise a developed and thinking person from your child. nine0012

Is it difficult to get your children into this habit? Much depends on age: it is difficult to teach a teenager to obey his parents, it is almost impossible for many mothers, and developing such a habit in a small child is a solvable task. In principle, the sooner you begin to develop in your child the habit of listening and obeying you, the easier it will be for you.

The easiest method to help you with this is the "Eight Steps" method. Its idea is to teach your child to obey you, starting with the simplest, most elementary things, and very gradually, methodically move step by step to more difficult things. From simple to complex. nine0012

First, we do what any parent can do with any child, then we add a little, then a little more - and so we go a long way from a natural child to a well-bred child who already understands that people who are loving and more experienced than him should obey right.

The age at which the Eight Steps algorithm works best is from 2 to 12 years. After 12 years, a well-bred child should already become your friend and helper, you are no longer so much raising him, but helping him in his self-education, helping him to solve life's tasks in the best way. nine0012

Now let's get down to business. What are these steps?

Step 1: Addition.

As the King from Antoine Saint-Exupéry's fairy tale "The Little Prince" said, controlling the sunrise is easy, you just need to know when the sunrise occurs. Say at the right moment: "Sun, rise!", and you will become the lord of the rising sun... So is the child: if the child does not obey you yet, he still does something. Go from what is, adapt to what he does, and direct his activity in the direction you need. nine0012

The child runs, you shout to him: "Well done, faster, faster!" - he happily adds speed.

Sit down at the table, you know what the child loves, what he will still reach for. Get ahead of him: "Take your favorite bread!" You said he took it.

Little Nikita likes to clap his hands. "How does Nikita clap her hands? - Clever girl, Nikita! And now, Nikita, show me how the car hums! ... Wonderful!" - you teach him to do what you tell him. He is one and a half years old, and he is already learning to listen to you and obey. nine0012

If you can't manage, take the lead. You cannot (yet) control the behavior of the child - adapt to what he does anyway, and what he wants to do himself.

Step 2: Taming: Train to come when called.

Do you know what "attach" means? The fisherman throws food into the river - he attracts fish. When an ancient man decided to tame wild dogs, he also started with affection, then he began to feed them, then stroke them, and gradually taught them to run up to him when he called them. Have you already tamed your children? Do they come running to you when you call them? If your children are still wild, start like an ancient man by taming them. nine0012

Your child loves to crunch apples or nibble cookies: your task is to make sure that access to these sweets is not free, but only through you. This is not in the vase, but you can give it to your child. Now you don’t wait until he starts begging from you, but choosing a good time, you yourself announce: “Who wants a tasty apple, quickly runs to me!”, “Cookies, cookies, delicious cookies for obedient kids.” Children run, you treat them and pat them on the head: "Well done, how quickly you run to your mother!" So the hunt has taken place - you are already accustoming children to come to you when you call them. nine0012

Invite your child to you - and praise him when he comes to you! A bait can be not only food, but everything that the child likes: and squeeze the cream on the cake, and cut the bread, and the time when you can play with the child in the games that he loves. "Mom has five minutes! Whoever comes running quickly can play hide and seek with her!" Important: if a child comes running, you reinforce it: give a bait and praise. If the child is in no hurry to run, comes later and demands, you don’t give a bait: “That’s it! It’s all over!”, but you prompt: “When mom calls, you need to run quickly!”. Teach your child to fulfill your requests, reinforcing it with joy. nine0012

Step 3. Learning to negotiate.

Your child will be intelligent and not capricious if you teach him to use his mind. And for this, take the time to explain to the child what is good and what is bad - and teach him to negotiate. You can try to talk intelligently with a child even at two years old, and if your child is already three years old, this is already a must. Teach your child to negotiate and fulfill agreements!

You and your child are on the playground, it's time for you to leave, but the child doesn't want to leave, he wants to play more. Just command? nine0012

The child may begin to protest by roaring. What to do?

Negotiate.

The first agreement - before coming to the playground. "You want to go to the playground, but we can't play there for a long time, I will need to return home, cook dinner. You promise me that when I say that it's time for us, you won't cry, but will say goodbye to all the children and go with me home? Won't you keep me?" The second conversation is when it's time for you to leave. Most likely, the child will begin to whine: "Mom, I have a little more!". Here your task is to calmly cut him off from the players and discuss how to behave correctly in such a situation. “If you promised that you would not whine and cry when you need to go home, you can’t whine and cry. Otherwise, how will they believe you next time?” nine0012

Here it is important that respect for agreements is supported by all close adults, there is only one position: "Agreed - it is necessary to fulfill it. And whoever does not fulfill the agreements is a violator, a whim and a small one, nothing serious can be allowed to him." We agree and do not be capricious.

Step 4: No whims.

An obedient child not only DOes what you ask him to do, he also STOPS DOing what you do not like. The child tries to fight the will of his parents through his whims and tantrums, and your task at this step is to stop reacting to them in any way. Learn to do your own thing without reacting to the whims of the child - in those cases when you yourself are sure that you are right and you know that everyone will support you. nine0012

You are all hurrying to the train, packing your things. In this case, the whims of the child "Come play with me!" will be easily ignored by everyone, including grandmothers. Teach your child that there are important things to do. Teach your child to say, "This is important." If you sat down in front of him and, looking into his eyes, holding his shoulders, calmly and firmly say: "Adults now need to get together, and we will play with you later. This is important!" - then soon the child will begin to understand you. It is important!

Step 5: Requirements. nine0012

Your child already quickly comes running to you when you call him with something tasty, he stopped being capricious and no longer throws tantrums. As a rule, he will do what you asked him to do, but he is not yet used to the fact that you can seriously demand something from him. Requests are soft, while demands are hard and mandatory. Is that the way to listen? At this step, again act consistently, but carefully, at first demand a minimum and only when everyone supports you.

The child has already grown enough to... In order not to take a toy from someone else's child, to pick up a fallen mitten yourself, to put porridge in your mouth yourself... - Always look for those moments when your demands will be supported by everyone around you, so that even the grandmothers at least kept silent. nine0012

If your demands on a child are too high, if they can't keep up with your numerous demands, or if you don't have the support of others, don't push. Like politics, education is the art of the possible. Napoleon himself taught his commanders: "Give only those orders that will be carried out."

Nevertheless, gradually remove the bait as something obligatory, start calling the child already without rewarding him with something tasty. It's time to teach the child that if mom (especially dad) is his name, you need to come simply because he was called. If he doesn’t go right away, they repeated it, but achieved it. And now they drew his attention to the fact that you had to wait for him, and asked him to come when his mother calls. No need to swear, just say: "When mom calls, you need to come right away!" - and kiss! Slowly, your child will begin to learn it. nine0012

Step 6: Responsibilities.

Requirements are one-time, while duties are a system of permanent requirements for a child. The time has come to teach the child that each member of the family has his own responsibilities, and he must participate in family affairs on an equal basis with mom and dad. Having explained this to the child, begin to confidently give him tasks, but also act gradually here: let him first choose his duties according to his strength, let him do what is not difficult for him, or, all the more, even want a little.

This step is more difficult for mothers than for children. Moms really want to do everything themselves and not strain the child. So, dear mothers and, in principle, parents, make sure that the child always has things to do at your request. The child should not fade away the understanding that he has tasks, and he must do it. Clean up the bed, take away the cup, wash the dishes, run to the store - most likely, it’s easier and cheaper for you to do it all yourself, but you are educators, so your task is to restrain yourself, not to do it yourself and entrust it to the child every time . nine0012

At first, the child has to be reminded of his duties, after a while the duty to remember should fall on the child himself. Remembering your responsibilities is also the responsibility of the child!

Step 7: Self-reliance.

When a child already knows what duties are, it's time to teach him to be independent. The ability to obey is the basis of smart independence. The independence of an obedient child lies in the fact that you can already give him difficult tasks in the confidence that he will complete them completely on his own, without your help and prompts. It’s not just “Go to the store” or “It’s your responsibility to take out the bucket”, but “Pack up all the things you will need on the trip”, “Grandma needs help digging up a garden in the country”, “Toothache? Call the clinic, Find out when the doctor is, go and get your teeth fixed." As usual, not everything will turn out right away, at first the child will need your tips, help and support, but the more often he begins to successfully cope with difficult assignments, the faster he will wake up a taste for independence. So, move from simple to complex, from dense, frequent and specific clues to rare and general clues, and thus gradually move on to more and more difficult and independent tasks, mostly on the most positive background, with small irregular reinforcements and rare large ones. nine0012

Ideally, if you go somewhere for a relatively long time, your child should be able to live without you without major problems. He is already on his own!

Step 8: Responsibility.

Well, the last step remains: responsibility. Women do not really like the word "responsibility", they are closer to "caring", but there is a difference between these words: a caring person pays only with efforts and soul, and a person responsible for his mistakes pays really. If you entrust a child with a responsible task, for this, in the event of a puncture, either the child or you will have to pay. But children grow up, it's time to acquaint them with responsibility, and now you entrust the child with not just deeds, but responsible deeds: those for which you need to answer to other people or, simply, pay for mistakes. nine0012

You instructed your child to place an expensive service on the table. Or put money in the bank. Or - to bring a little sister from the kindergarten . .. Will she not break it? Will not lose? Will not forget?

When taking on a responsible task, a child already knows the price of a mistake, and treats the assignment responsibly: he will think everything over, remember, follow up and check, and will definitely report back to you at the end.

When a child learns this too, you can be proud - you are already an adult. You have raised an adult, responsible person! Remember, it all started with quiet, neat outbuildings to a completely naughty child? nine0012

Of course, and after that no one will promise you that your children will become angels and will never disobey you. Everything is possible, our children do not always obey us. Sometimes it happens by accident, sometimes on purpose. How to react to it? Calmly. If you act wisely, you will solve this issue without difficulty.

By the way, is there anything after the eighth step, after the formation of responsibility in the child? Your child is not only ready to fulfill your requests, he knows his duties, he is a completely independent and responsible person.

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