How to stop criticizing my husband

6 Easy Ways to Stop Criticizing and Improve Your Relationships

Do you frequently criticize your family, friends, or colleagues? Do you focus on their faults?If you recognize (or someone’s told you) that you’re critical of others, this post is for you.

Some people find it hard to stop themselves from making negative comments abouteverything and everyone around them. Others hold in their hurt and angry feelings until they can’t take it anymore. Then they burst into a tirade of criticisms. Being highly critical and holding othersto exceptionally high standards is also a sign of High Criticism Perfectionists. You can go back and read my post “What is Perfectionism?” for more details on the different types of perfectionists.

Let’s start by reviewing the problems that are motivating you to stop criticizing.

It’s hurtful.

Nagging, criticizing, and focusing on what your family or friends are doing wrong causes real damage to your relationships. Criticismerodes connection and communication.

It doesn’t work.

Criticism is demotivating. We think it’s going to get our spouse, kids, or employees to change, but it doesn’t. Consider a motherwho sees her teenage daughter reach for another cookie and says, “Better watch it. I’m not gonna buy you another pair of jeans if yours don’t fit.” This criticism isn’t going to encourage her to eat more healthfully. She’s likely to feel ashamed and angry not motivated.

The other reason criticism doesn’t work is it doesn’t address the deeper issues in your relationship and inside you. Criticizing others maybe a reflection of internal anxiety or pain. It can be a way of trying to feel in control of something or someone that feels out of your control.

There’s an interesting phenomenon called the negativity bias. It essentially means that we all tend to look for and focus on the problems more than the positives. This means that I’m biased towards finding my husband’s faults and misdeeds. He is likely doing just as many, if not more, things that please me, but I am prone to over emphasize his faults. Sothe more I criticize him for leaving dirty socks on the floor, the more I reinforce feeling irritatedabout the socks on the floor.

You may also be unhappy because you feel ashamed or guilty about your critical behaviors.

Now that you’ve identified the ways that criticism is causing problems for you and your relationships, let’s look at how to change.

1. Be realistic.

If you are routinely disappointed by someone’s behavior, it’s best to adjust your expectations. If you don’t, you’re bound to becontinually frustrated.I can’t make my husband pick up his socks, but I can change my thinking so that I either accept doing it myself or don’t feel irritated when I see them on the floor.

2. Look for the positives.

Go out of your way to look for people doing the “right” thing and then acknowledge it a lot. Research shows it takes five positive interactions to reverse the damage of one negative interaction.

3. Don’t take his/her behavior personally.

People make mistakes, get tired and over committed. There are many reasons for your friend or family member’s behavior that has nothing to do with you. Try to assume the best about someone’s choices instead of the worst.

4. Consider whether you need to say anything at all.

There really is some wisdom in the old saying “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all”. Sometimes staying silent is the best option. Leave the room, take some slow deep breaths, and calm yourself down before deciding if you really want to say something.

5. Ask directly and respectfully for what you want.

You won’t always get what you ask for, but you’re much more likely to have your needs met when you ask in a way that will be heard. Instead of criticizing your wife for leaving dirty dishes,calmly and kindly ask hertowash themand explain why it matters so much to you.

6. Manage your own anxiety and stress.

As I said above, criticism isn’t always about what someone else is doing. You can reduce your criticizing by managing your own anxiety and other feelings through a combination of things such as psychotherapy, meditation, exercise, journaling, nutrition, or medication.

I applaud your desire to change and hope these tips on how to stop criticizing will provide a starting place for you. Thank you for reading! I invite you to join me on Facebook and Twitter for more articles and tips on happiness and mental wellness.

*****

Image “Couple Arguing” by Ambro at freedigitalphotos.net

Stop Criticizing Your Mate: Re-Learning What You Once Knew

Source: Pixabay

If you're married or in a committed relationship, odds are that it doesn't begin to live up to that near-idyllic time of courtship. Why? Simply because during courtship, once your partner had endeared themselves to you, you knew better than to threaten the relationship by criticizing them.

And it wasn't that back then you simply couldn't find anything to criticize. True, you were focused on what you liked (or had already come to love) about them. But even when you couldn't help noticing some failing of theirs—the clothes haphazardly dropped on the floor, the frustrating tardiness, the mispronounced word or mangled phrase, the blatant misinterpretation of what you'd just told them—the positives far outweighed the negatives. So you weren't about to chance compromising the wondrous harmony developing between you. Or risk creating conflict or unpleasantness in a relationship that otherwise seemed so right, so satisfying.

The way relationships typically erode, however, is this. Once you've succeeded in endearing yourself to the person who's become "the one" for you, you feel free—in fact, almost compelled—to bring up a whole host of (submerged) issues you have with them. So what originally seemed almost like unconditional acceptance (where else, by the way, did you think those "warm fuzzies" came from?!) now becomes increasingly conditional, as you begin to air out all your suppressed grievances. Once you're confident about their commitment to you, it now feels like the right time to share exactly what you don't much like, or appreciate, about them. Time to set about changing them in earnest. Time to improve them. Time to make them better fit your idealized pictures of the perfect mate—oblivious to the fact that you're hardly the perfect (read, "unconditionally accepting") mate yourself.

And—most of the time, at least—your partner feels the same way about you. Once assured of your devotion, they also feel much more at liberty to voice their concerns about what they'd prefer to be different about you, how you might be better suited to them.

So what's accomplished by this more critical attitude both of you now espouse? Hardly what either of you intended, or might have expected. For how you've expressed your frustrations with one another definitely move the relationship forward—but not in the way either of you had in mind (or would consciously have chosen). Your ever-expanding complaints and criticisms inevitably propel your union toward that unenviable second stage of committed relationships—typically designated "the power struggle."

This is the stage where each of you wrong-headedly contrives to make the other more to your liking by focusing—in sharp contrast to your earlier courtship phase--on all the negatives your partner brought with them to the relationship. Here both of you direct your attention to the perceived shortcomings in your mate's physical, mental, emotional, or even spiritual, make-up. You key in on the prejudices or preferences you don't share with them, the stylistic inclinations that separate you, right down to your hard-core (and basically unchangeable) value differences.

Curiously, many of these increasingly annoying negatives had already begun to surface during courtship. Yet they hadn't really "spoiled" anything because when you were in the process of becoming enamored with each other, the two of you saw—and focused on—so many things that you genuinely liked and admired about the other. Intuitively, you "knew" enough to edit out considerations detrimental to your achieving the accord, the loving bond, you both diligently aspired to.

It's fascinating how—when a relationship is new and sparkling with possibility—we're almost all "psychic." That is, we can intuit with uncanny precision what the other person wants us to be (namely, our best, "noblest" selves). And we're actually quite capable of acting somewhat "out of character" in our efforts to capture their devotion. So motivated are we to win their love that our abundant efforts (and be assured, we put all kinds of energy into making ourselves as lovable as possible) seem quite effortless. In the "knowing" words of songwriter Carole King:

"It used to be so easy living here with you.
You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do."

What virtually all of us appear (however unconsciously) to recognize is that unconditional acceptance is the name of the game. And this is why we know—know in a kind of natural, intuitive way—that it's crucial to refrain from criticism. At some deeper level of being, we grasp that criticizing the other could lead them to feel distrusted, devalued, anxious, shamed, or offended—in some way jeopardize the growing intimacy between us. In fact, the rosy glow that so delightfully warms us during courtship has mostly to do with our both experiencing much the same unconditional acceptance that we strove for (but which generally eluded us) in our childhood relationship with our caretakers. For our parents' acceptance and approval typically had to be earned, and so never felt entirely secure. Only rarely did we feel loved not for what we did but for who we were.

In the present, however, the moment we feel sufficiently secure in our partner's bond to us is the moment we take our gloves off. Now the insatiable demands of our ego supersede the wisdom of our intuition. And typically what our ego wants is that our partner place our needs first, subordinate their will to ours, do things our way, make us right (even though this almost always means making themselves wrong). And this is when so many couples dig in their heels and take a stand—ready to defend (almost to the death, as it were) their own desires, needs, and preferences. And should one partner repeatedly defer to the other, that partner warrants being appreciated as co-dependent, which invariably leads to a whole different set of relationship problems (just consider the multitude of books written on the issues of co-dependency).

To move beyond the power struggle, what's called for is mutual compassion, kindness, understanding, and the willingness to compromise and accept differences. But when you're trapped by your ego, making the relationship work feels less imperative than controlling it. So when your partner doesn't seem to be adequately adjusting to your requirements and demands, you may become that much more disposed to step up your criticism, and maybe with greater vehemence—which, of course, is virtually guaranteed to make matters worse.

The solution—easy to describe but quite difficult to implement when a relationship has already begun to turn sour, feel mechanical, or be weighed down with resentments—is to find your way back to the far more halcyon days of courtship. You need to recall just what made the relationship so attractive, so romantic, in the first place. Not only the probable physical attraction, but also things like your listening attentively and with empathy to your partner, and putting their wants and needs on a par with your own--or even ahead of yours (as a way of showing them the depth of your caring and concern).

Essentially, what needs to happen is that you re-focus on the positives and view the negatives from a more accepting, forgiving perspective. If it's not possible to love everything about your partner (which is very likely the case), can you at least embrace—unconditionally—the overall "package" that is your partner (mostly good but, admittedly, with some not-so-endearing features as well)?

And as far as the negatives are concerned, you need to replace criticism (telling your mate in no uncertain terms just what you dislike about them) with feedback (respectfully sharing how some of their behaviors negatively impact you—e. g., make you feel anxious, embarrassed, belittled, not cared for, and so on). Moreover, you need to request-certainly, not demand-some specific, delimited change that's viable for them. In my blog, I've already written extensively on both criticism and feedback; and my earlier posts should offer you some fresh ideas on how best to express whatever frustrations you're currently experiencing.

Once you realize how, inadvertently, you may have colluded with your partner to corrode something that was once so special, you stand a fair chance of reclaiming what, over the months or years, has slipped away from you. Sure, you aren't going to reclaim the relationship's original innocence. For that pristine purity was grounded more in illusion than reality anyway, and was hardly sustainable. That stage was meant to end, as a more mature, "adult" relationship took hold.

Still, if you can "take back" the skills you never realized you possessed in the first place—those largely intuitive skills that made your courtship so special, so pleasurable, so gratifying—you may well move beyond the negative focus that, till now, has undermined your efforts to create "a more perfect union. "

If you "resonated" with this post and believe others you know might also, please consider forwarding them its link. I invite readers to join me on Facebook and to follow my psychological/philosophical musings on Twitter.

How to properly criticize a husband: the psychology of relationships

I get asked questions about criticism in relationships quite often. About how to point out mistakes to your partner and express your dissatisfaction without turning the dialogue into an emotional clarification of "who is right and who is wrong."

The search for a compromise and even conflict in a couple are completely normal. The relationship of husband and wife in the family cannot be constantly buried in a continuous sweet fog. Two adults interact in them with their desires, needs and, of course, shortcomings and complexities of character. Therefore, the question of criticism is quite natural. But it should be reformulated and even divided into several parts.

The first question is what goals do we pursue when we criticize anyone - a husband, loved ones, those around him in general. And the second is what we declare. These are often completely different things, and it would be good to learn how to distinguish between them.

I will talk about the most common scheme. It may differ in details for you, but in most cases the essence is the same.

As a rule, people declare their desire to change their partner, to influence him, so that in the end the family and both spouses individually win. But their true intentions are usually completely different.

To understand, it is worth asking the question, what is criticism in general. Why do we criticize others?

When we try to judge other people, for a moment we feel superior and better than them. We seem to pick up an imaginary stick, at one end of which we are, at the other - others. And at that moment, when at the far end of the stick there is a minus, at the near one, that is, ours, there is a plus. Thus we rise in our own eyes.

The problem is that we hardly know how to criticize in any other way. In this case, we always bring in an element of personal relationship and try to rise above those around us.

We seem to mean: "I know what is right, but you don't." And people feel great about it. That is why criticism is so often perceived with hostility. And not at all because a person “does not know how to accept criticism”, as we like to say in such cases. A person is not offended by the remark itself, but by a sense of superiority. Such things can also be done very subtly, not by direct condemnation, but by remarks like: “How unusually you wash the dishes. Here I put it in a different order. And to respond to indignation, innocently blinking his eyes: “I don’t blame, I just said that it’s strange. What kind of condemnation is this?

Actually, there are a lot of ways to evade an honest answer in this case. But do you need them? If you want to build harmonious relationships and develop together, this only gets in the way. The problem is that the person himself often does not realize what subtexts he puts into such remarks, and is ready to deny hidden motives with foam at the mouth. But the question here is only awareness. And it can be developed.

Judgment and evaluation are natural things, and no one is completely free from them. But it is better to leave them for strangers, and in the family to be gentle and tolerant. Judgment and evaluation are poison for family relationships.

Be on the same side. If you feel that this is your own person, who is for you, who wants the best, just sometimes makes mistakes, then you will want to criticize less.

But it is impossible to do without remarks. And how then to express wishes and dissatisfaction? And at the same time maintain a good relationship with her husband?

It's not that hard to make a right claim. There are simple rules:

Intersperse criticism with praise,
Do not get personal, that is, evaluate not a person, but his actions, and then carefully,
Speak "I-messages",
Calm down before starting a conversation.

And also think about whether what you decide to report is so important. Is it sure that some habit of your husband is worth remarking and the goal achieved is his resentment?

Layer cake

The simplest thing is to start with praise and end with praise. And between the laudatory speeches, insert your remark in the form of a wish. For example, if your husband picked you up from work, but arrived later than promised: “Thank you very much, dear, for picking me up from the office by car. After a hard day at work it was so nice! And if you arrive a little earlier next time, I will be very grateful to you! But it's so wonderful to go home with you, and also not suffer on public transport.

Or: “You did such a wonderful job of helping me hang up my clothes after washing! And can I ask you next time to hang my dress on a coat hanger, and then it will not wrinkle?

A wish disguised with compliments works amazingly, just try it!

Evaluation of actions, not of a person

Everything is simple here. Instead of: "You did it wrong!" it is better to formulate: "It seems to me that it is better to do it differently."

And please, avoid absolutizations! For example: "You always leave a light in the hallway", "You never clean up after yourself." You know very well that this is not true. And meanwhile such exaggerations can offend very much.

Say "I" - messages

When we want to express our dissatisfaction with a partner, it is advisable to talk about our feelings, and not about his behavior. That is, to say not “you broke my favorite cup, how could you ?!”, but “when you broke my cup, I was very upset - I liked it so much.” When you talk about yourself, you move the interlocutor from the position of the accused to a position where you can show sympathy, admit that you were wrong yourself, or offer to correct the situation.

Criticize only when you are calm

Try, as far as possible, to express critical remarks only in a calm state. While you are on edge, your husband will take your emotional intensity as an attack, and you will most likely quarrel. If you cool off a little before starting a conversation, then a constructive dialogue is more likely.

Why is it important?

Consciously consider how important what you want to say is. And can't you just accept some little things? For example, if he constantly leaves the light in the bathroom on, and you are already tired of his forgetfulness, think about it, is it not easier to change your attitude towards this? Is it so terrible those extra expenses in which he introduces your family with burning bulbs? If not, think about why you are so outraged by disorder? Are you really worried about family expenses and the environmental situation? Or do you want to point out to your husband his inattention? What for? Such reflections can tell you a lot about yourself, and, perhaps, you will no longer be up to your husband and his habits.

But if you still decide to express your opinion, try to be aware of the reasons for which you are doing this. After all, the most important thing is what you broadcast to your partner. Words spoken with love are perceived quite differently than those spoken for self-affirmation.

And believe me, complex techniques, awareness, work on yourself will pay off many times over in improving relationships and growing mutual understanding. The psychology of relationships helps to find a common language with your husband and make your union strong.

Vadim Kurkin

How to start respecting your husband and stop criticizing him.

We continue our conversation about how to stop criticizing and start respecting your husband. Today I will touch on several important topics, such as resentment, misunderstanding and speaking in different languages. And we will start with a very interesting technique that allows you to reduce the pain of your words in a conversation with any interlocutor.

Let's remember why we do not accept criticism? It affects our pride, and a person is a creature who believes that he knows everything better than anyone. Yes, you can tell your partner: “I know better than you”, “I do better than you”. In this case, you deal a blow to his self-esteem, and your words are perceived very painfully.

To prevent this from happening, use an "I-statement". This means that any of your phrases begin with the word "I". What do we achieve with this approach? In order to minimally affect the self-esteem of a person. Let me give you a banal example of a man not following his wardrobe. A woman can say: “Your socks scattered all over the apartment got me!” In every word you can hear the irritation directed at the man. And you can say this: "I get annoyed when I see scattered socks." Feel the difference?

When we say, "I'm getting irritated," we take the first hit. Thus, we neutralize the first wave of counter resistance and can continue on. Naturally, this is a very exaggerated example, but nevertheless, such “I-statements” work much better than “head-on” accusations. In order to be heard, you should talk about yourself, about your feelings, about the problem, and not point your finger at his “sins”. Before you rashly say unpleasant words to your man (and any other person), formulate your complaint, starting with the word I.

And now I will once again return to the very important idea that women and men speak differently, one might even say in different languages. We say one thing, we mean another, and a man understands us in a completely different way. We don’t talk much, hoping that he will understand anyway.

I will give you an example that happened in the family of my friend. The woman shared her desires with the man: "I want a child," she said. She became pregnant, and after a while it turned out that the man was then offended! Offended that she said: "I want a child" and not: "I want a child from you." When she spoke with her husband, she, of course, implied that she saw him as the father of the unborn child. But he didn't hear it. What does this example say? The man could not read through the lines (and he was not obliged to) and was offended. And this reaction of men is quite common. Women are indignant “Is it really so incomprehensible!” But they really don't understand! And it's time for us to come to terms with this masculine trait and take into account their "lack of understanding" during serious conversations. Therefore, please, if you want to convey something to a man, then stop hinting, speak directly. But don't forget about tact, it hasn't hurt anyone yet.

We, women, feel more, read the intonation, guess the mood by the person's posture. Men do not have such a developed sensual side, so they only hear what we say. And men, on the contrary, complain about women for the fact that they often think, think, and finish drawing. And based on their conjectures, they draw conclusions that are very far from reality.

This is a sore subject for many couples. If a man in response to your call said: "I'm busy" and hung up. It only means that he is busy. And the woman begins to think: “Aha! He must have gone somewhere ... He is probably now giving a ride to his secretary . .. He is probably ... ”and so on, as far as there is enough imagination. Do you know how to think for men? He said one word, and we thought of another half of the novel for ourselves. So, usually a man says what he wants to convey, then he says, more specifically.

I don't want to generalize now, there are different types of men. I have met men who have a very strongly developed female half, the female energy prevails over the male. They turn into intriguers who weave intrigues, think out, invent. Such men, fortunately, are very few. They are more like the exception that proves the rule. Basically a man says what he wants to say. Another problem arises in the fact that a woman is offended by this. Do you often get offended by what men say to you? Many women want a man to be more tactful, to smooth corners, but directness offends them.

It is very difficult to deal with resentment. Therefore, before being offended, one should think about what positive intention the man had when he said this. Most often, a man does not want to offend you, he does not want to hurt you, very often we ourselves come up with an insult to ourselves. Of course, not always, but very often we ourselves think up a grudge. Before reacting emotionally, you need to ask yourself: “what was the basis of his behavior?” and only after answering this question to draw conclusions how to behave further. It also makes sense to discuss the controversial point, to speak, to explain what exactly is unpleasant for you. A variant of the cure for resentment is to accept a man as he is. In any case, in those manifestations that you can put up with. To give an example from my own life: my husband has a peculiar way of speaking. In general, strangers may be offended by him because he speaks rather sharply. But this harshness does not hide the negative. If I was offended by every harsh word, not rude, but harsh, then I would probably no longer live with this man. I accepted his manner of communication, and it doesn’t hurt me at all, I don’t notice it. I'm not fooling myself, I really don't notice it. I know how he treats me, what kind of relationship we have with him, I know about his intentions towards me, and his manner of speech is already secondary.

This is how I suggest you analyze your relationship. What matters is what's inside, not what's outside. In any situation, ask yourself questions before starting an emotional reaction. What did he want to convey? Why did it hurt me? What part of my soul did it hurt? Why do I react this way? Perhaps the reason for the insults is not at all in you and not even in his words, maybe once upon a time you had problems with your parents or with classmates who left you with mental pain and which your man accidentally put pressure on. That is why it is important to analyze each situation, especially if similar situations are repeated over and over again.

Ask yourself the above questions. As soon as we begin to think and ask ourselves such questions, life changes. And these changes are happening fast enough.

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