How to stop a cheating wife
How to Stop Cheating on Your Partner: 15 Effective Ways
It is easy to judge cheaters, especially if you were hurt by your partner’s infidelity before. However, cheaters are not necessarily bad people, although they have made decisions that end up hurting their partners.
They might not know why they did it, which makes them ask how to stop cheating and break out of the cycle all the more difficult.
Cheating is quite common. A study found that one in five people admits to being a cheating partner. That number is probably higher since people can be reluctant to admit to doing something socially unacceptable.
Many of them are probably wondering how to stop cheating, yourself included.
What is cheating in a relationship?Cheating in a relationship can be subjective. For some people, just talking to someone you may be romantically interested in can count as cheating. For other people, physical intimacy or sex may count as cheating.
Cheating in a relationship is defined as being physically or emotionally cheating, being unfaithful to your partner. It is not following the terms of the relationship, as decided by the two partners in a relationship.
What are some cheating motivations that we end up overlooking? To understand the causes of cheating better, watch this Ted Talk by Esther Pearl on Why People Cheat.
What are the reasons that people cheat in a relationship? Do you often wonder why your partner cheated?
There can be several reasons why people cheat in a relationship. Anger, revenge, dissatisfaction in a relationship, low self-esteem, and abuse are some of the common reasons why people end up cheating on their partner, emotionally or physically.
Read more on the reasons for cheating in this article.
15 ways to stop cheating on your partnerIf you have been unfaithful to your partner and want to make amends, read on to know the 15 ways to stop cheating on your partner.
As with any problem in life, understanding the reason for cheating is crucial to eradicating it. Ask yourself, “Why am I tempted to cheat?” What precedes cheating behavior patterns? To stop infidelity, you need to comprehend what leads to it.
If you are not sure, consider cheaters’ behavior patterns and see if you recognize yourself in any of them. Cheating can be a way to:
- Avoid becoming intimate or dependent on someone in a relationship,
- To punish your partner,
- Escape from a relationship you are not happy in anymore or
- Feel the excitement.
How to stop the cycle of cheating? Understand what purpose cheating has in your relationship. If you wonder how to stop adultery in my marriage, examine your marriage well.
The most challenging question is not how to stop being a cheater; instead,
Why am I choosing to be a cheater?
Does cheating help you stay in a loveless marriage, or is it a step towards leaving it?
Is being addicted to cheating a way to stay and not change anything in the marriage itself, or is it a way to show yourself there is more to life and leave more easily?
Are you doing this to punish your partner for cheating or something else, or doing this to get something you think is inaccessible in marriage?
How to stop cheating in a relationship?
Take a good hard look at these questions, especially in the case of repeated infidelity in marriage.
When you understand what you desire, you can try to achieve it another way instead of cheating.
When you figure out what you desire from a relationship, you can start working towards it. Understanding the cause will guide what steps you take next in your journey on how to stop cheating on my wife or husband.
If you are angry with your partner, you need to communicate and work through resentment. Start sharing more and talk about the issues. Your desire to punish your partner through cheating won’t disappear unless you address the core of why you wanted to punish them in the first place.
If you want to leave and can’t see yourself in the relationship anymore, start thinking about approaching the subject. Why didn’t you have the nerve in the first place to end things and opt for cheating?
If you decide to stay in the marriage and need to know how to stop being a cheater, work on understanding what is missing in your relationship.
Talk to your partner so you can both commit to making your relationship better. Address your problems, work on conflict resolution, and introduce more excitement.
Working through communication problems, intimacy issues, and introducing more passion into the relationship. We are not saying it will work 100 percent, but it gives your marriage a chance.
4. Stop with behavior patterns leading you to cheatDifferent people consider cheating various things – texting, sexting, kissing, sex, etc. Where do you and your partner draw the line? Knowing this can help you avoid not just the act of cheating itself but also the paths leading you to cheat.
Say that you and your partner don’t consider flirting to be cheating. Although that is true for you, have you thought about how it plays a role in cheating? It might ease you into adultery the same way sexting would.
Crossing one boundary makes it easier to cross the next one, and before you know it, you might not know how to stop cheating.
Be mindful of each step you take towards an affair so you can learn how to avoid cheating.
Related Reading: 15 Reasons Why You Should Not Cheat on Your Partner5. Consider working with a professional
If you think you are addicted to cheating on your spouse and wonder how to stop cheating in marriage or relationships, consider psychotherapy to deal with cheaters behavior patterns. A trained professional can help you uncover the root cause patterns that lead you into cheating cycles and help you figure out how to avoid cheating.
Whether you want to stay in the relationship or leave it, having a therapist work with you will make this process easier and more productive.
Furthermore, if your partner is aware of the affair and wants to stay together, couples counseling is preferred to individual therapy. Although you can both have your therapists, it is advisable to have a couple’s therapist help you deal with the affair’s emotional turmoil.
They can help you manage the crisis infidelity provoked, facilitate forgiveness, understand factors contributing to infidelity, and bolster intimacy through communication.
6. Change yourself to change the situationThere is no single answer to not cheating. If it were that simple, no one would be doing it. Furthermore, learning how to stop cheating is a process that requires several steps and time.
Understanding why it happens is often the first and critical step towards stopping cheating. It is also essential to know what you want from a relationship and whether you can get it in your current one. What is the affair helping you accomplish? Should you stay and fight or end the marriage and move on?
If you decide to improve your marriage, communicate with your partner, and involve a professional therapist.
There are no simple solutions, but if you do the work needed, you can uncover why you are tempted to cheat and how to stop cheating now and in the future.
One of the main reasons relationships fall apart and can lead partners to cheat is lack of proper communication.
Talking is not communicating – and this is an essential realization for partners to have. Talk to each other about your individual needs and expectations, and you will find yourself in a better space.
8. Be spontaneousAnother common reason why relationships break and end up in cheating is when they stop being fun and exciting. Bring back the fun in your relationship or marriage by being more spontaneous.
9. Prioritize your relationshipIf you or your partner have cheated and want to give your union another shot, it is essential to prioritize your relationship. Put your relationship over everything else at this point and work towards building a stronger foundation.
10. Surprise each otherStop being your mundane self and surprise each other, whether sexually or by doing something totally out of your comfort zone.
Related Reading: 10 Ways to Thrill and Surprise Your Special Someone11. Step out of the parent role
When you have kids, you stop being a girlfriend/boyfriend or husband/wife to your partner but end up only being a parent.
That can cause the excitement in your marriage to fizzle out and can eventually lead to cheating. You can still work on your relationship while being a good parent.
12. Avoid being paranoidCheating can be challenging to deal with. However, when you decide to give your relationship another chance, avoid being paranoid about your partner cheating on you or you cheating on them.
Constant calls or messages to them can reflect your insecurities and cause them to steer away from you.
13. Come clean with the other personIt is very important to give proper closure to the person or multiple people you were cheating on your partner with. Come clean with them, tell them that you do not wish to be in touch with them, and are giving your marriage or relationship another fair chance.
Do you remember when you first felt in love with your partner? Remember your first date? It may be a refreshing change if you both recreate those memories to remind yourself of the good times and feel in love with each other once again.
Related Reading: 15 Awesome Ways to Create Memories with Your Partner15. Give each other space
Dealing with cheating yourself or the fact that your partner cheated on you can be challenging. Give yourself and your partner the time and space needed to deal with this information before deciding to do something about it.
Bottom lineLike anything we want to improve or strengthen, consistency is critical. If you choose to stop cheating on your partner, the points above can help you build your relationship again and better this time around. Reach out to your partner, and seek professional help if needed.
How To Stop Cheating: A Sex Therapist's Guide
Cheaters don't wake up in the morning and think about how they want to hurt their partner that day.
(If they do, we are talking about someone who is a sexual narcissist or who is psychopathic—not "infidelic.") A 2019 survey by Ashley Madison, who I work with as a resident relationship expert, found 96% of its affair-seeking members don't think of themselves as having low morals. That suggests many people who cheat aren't "bad" people but simply people who've made decisions that have hurt others. Some of these folks do want to change, but the problem is they feel they can't end their affairs without help.
Here's what to do. As with any harmful behavior, the key to stopping cheating on your partners rests on exercising your emotional skills. Whatever got you here, if you're currently in an affair, here are seven tips for how to stop cheating for good:
1.
Figure out what you want.
Take a good hard look at your situation. Are you cheating to stay in your relationship or because you want out?
To leave.
Some affairs are what I call "can openers"—a way to end your partnership even when you didn't know you wanted out.
It's an unconscious way to wake yourself up to the fact that it really is over. Sometimes partners who feel they don't have a voice in a relationship will have an affair and realize they have been unhappy in their relationship all along, and this affair becomes the catalyst for a breakup, a way to find their voice, to finally express a need or desire, or to say to their spouse, "I'm done."
If you've been using this affair as a key to what you consider a closed-door relationship, be honest with yourself and with your partner. Tell them you want out and then have the new relationship you're seeking. Don't swing from branch to branch while you're still in the tree.
Some people also use cheating as a passive-aggressive way to get their partner to break up with them so they don't have to do the dirty work. First of all, understand that you're likely hurting your partner more with your affair than you would be with a breakup, and you also come off looking worse. There's no need to hurt someone on your way out the door.
Additionally, if you're trying to use your cheating as a way to make your partner end things, understand that it's not only being dishonest with your partner—it's being dishonest with yourself. In the long run, you'll need to learn how to take responsibility for your actions, for your emotions, and for your needs if you're ever going to be able to have a happy and successful relationship. Start practicing it now.
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To stay.
On the other hand, sometimes an affair, once exposed, can open up and change the whole future of your current relationship. Some couples say that after some therapy and erotic recovery, the affair may have been "the best thing that ever happened to them." This may be because the crisis of an affair forces you both to talk more honestly about what you both want in the vision of your lives going forward.
Recognize this: Cheaters are not necessarily looking for someone else; they are looking to become someone else.
Usually cheaters like who they are when they are with their cheating partner. They are really searching for a missing part of themselves, a part of their identity, a part of themselves they feel they can't be at home.
Most affairs are not really about the partner or the relationship, even when you might blame them. Cheaters are not searching for something that is missing in their relationship; they are searching for something that is missing in themselves. They may project that need onto their partner, but that is what we do, as people. We blame our unhappiness on the other. If they would just act the way we want, love us the way we want, then we'd be happy. But nobody's life revolves around you, and you can't expect even your partner to bend to make you feel alive.
You need to figure out why you can't live as a whole person in every area of your life.
2.
Think hard about whether monogamy really makes sense for you.
It's hard to commit to one person. Are you finding monogamy isn't your thing? If that's the case, be honest with yourself and think about how a different relationship agreement might work better for you.
A 2019 study found people who enjoy having a lot of casual sex with a lot of different people are actually more committed to their relationship when their relationship is consensually nonmonogamous. There are also many ways that couples stay mostly monogamous while at the same time having an open sexual agreement. (Here's our full guide on how to know if an open relationship is right for you.)
Are we born monogamous? Who knows. But we are going on a form of monogamy that is tied into a heteronormative Judeo-Christian tradition of marriage from 200 years ago, when we were living to be an average of 38 years old. Back then, by the time we got bored with each other, we were dead.
For couples today who are expected to live together for a lifetime, based on these traditional ideas of marriage, we have a life span of upward of 90 years. Can we stay desirous and monogamous for 90 years?
Monogamy is not a biological prison, nor is it a privilege. It is an agreement.
It is a choice. It is something you choose every day. It is also designed to be a mutual decision, a gift you give to one another. A promise. Therefore, the agreement should be as explicit as it can be.
After an affair, talk about what you want in your new monogamy agreement. What constitutes monogamy for both of you? What is a secret, and what should be private? Are you sexually exclusive? Are you emotionally unique to each other? (In my book The New Monogamy: Redefining Your Relationship After Infidelity, I give many ways to talk through some of these more complex conversations.)
Renew your monogamy agreement often. After all, we renew our driver's license every few years. Why not our relationship?
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3.
Shut down your tech.
I know! Sounds impossible, right? In today's world, "tech cheating" is easier than ever. We can cheat on our partner lying in bed next to them, on our phones and handheld devices.
Try putting down your phone, turn off your apps, and just back off for a while. Shut down your social media.
Are you addicted to the excitement of cheating? The illicitness? The forbidden nature of cheating? Can you incorporate something adventurous into your life instead, to capture some of that excitement in a different way without sending naked selfies to strangers? Take up a hobby like hang-gliding, or ski some moguls. Affairs can be fun, but lying and hiding a secret life can make you feel terrible about yourself—not to mention destroying the very foundation of your relationship and hurting someone you ostensibly love.
One way to change your tech cheating is to break your relationship with technology. Stop liking everyone's posts, don't Snapchat, don't "friend" people, and stop posting selfies; let it all go, for a finite period of time. Let yourself go into withdrawal. Deal with all of the feelings that come up when you have nothing to occupy your time. Make eye contact with other people when you're talking to them.
4.
End your current affair.
But do it right. You may owe them—and yourself—more complete closure. Thank them for your time together, apologize for anything you have done to hurt them, and tell them what you will or will not do going forward. (And never ghost. That's just not OK.)
Let them know that you appreciate the relationship. If you loved them, tell them it was true. Be honest about your boundaries going forward. If you have to see them every day, like at work, for example, tell them you'll be "light and polite," but you can't continue in the way you've been operating. Tell them why. If it's because you are getting back with your spouse, tell them you are making your marriage work. Let them know you need time to think things through.
It's OK to admit ambivalence. You probably have strong feelings both ways; you want to stay, but you know you have to go. Tell them. But be clear that you know the best thing for you right now is to end this affair.
Finally, change your behavior.
Don't keep texting or calling or flirting at the water cooler. Really give them a chance to get over you, move on, and get another lover. Give them the space they deserve.
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5.
Talk to your partner. A lot.
This is the most important step of them all. Tell your partner how you feel. What do you want in your marriage or committed partnership? Lots of relationships fail when one or both partners try to avoid the conflict of bringing up uncomfortable topics.
One way to go deeper and stay connected to your partner is to use what I call anticipatory empathy. Let your partner know that you also imagine how they might be feeling. If you see them looking down one day, tell them, "I am wondering if you are having a tough day, and is it related to what is happening with us?"
Ask if there is something you can do to help their recovery. Just showing empathy and validating their feelings can go a long way toward recovering after an affair.
And it can keep you from cheating because it will bring you deeper into the relationship you are already committed to.
6.
Go to therapy.
There are good therapists out there who are nonjudgmental about infidelity. They recognize that affairs happen. Find one who can walk you through what you really want.
In addition to solo therapy that you might have to go through to work out your own cheating motivations, go to couples therapy. The goals are totally different—individual sessions are for figuring yourself out, whereas couples sessions are for figuring out how the heck to make a relationship work.
There are several phases of recovery. The initial stage is the crisis, when you both may doubt you could survive and stay together. And you may not. But if you are hoping to make it work, you can't have some of the deeper conversations about your future when you are both in high-conflict arguments. A therapist can take you into the next phase of recovery—the "insight" phase, where you can go deeper into how the affair happened and why.
Discovering the meaning of the affair will help both of you answer the more important questions of "why" and "what happened?" (Avoid the less crucial conversations around "when and with whom?" which can be painful and not very rewarding to either of you.) The third phase of recovery is the "vision" phase. This is where you can plan your new monogamy and move forward into a relationship that can work for both of you.
A therapist who is trained in this model will help you identify what stage of recovery you are in and help you move on to the vision of your future. Plus, just the act of being in therapy can create intimacy, and that might be what you are really craving.
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7.
Go to a weekend retreat with your spouse.
Find a two-day couples' workshop that focuses on intimate connection, communication, and sex. Go have some fun for two days. Be romantic.
Sit in a hot tub. Work out your stuff.
You might wonder why your partner would want to go away with you when they are so mad at you they can barely make eye contact. A couples' weekend retreat is not a vacation. Save that for later. A two-day couples' workshop is led by a coach or a therapist and is focused on real healing. It will lead the two of you through a series of exercises that you can do privately, not in a group but in a group setting, that can help you talk, help you heal, and bring you to a new understanding of what true intimacy really looks like. After all, you may have been cheating all along because you have no idea what intimacy looks like, and you can look at this as a lesson. It's like intimacy school, if you will.
Sex in a long-term relationship can be enthralling, and this might be your opportunity to strengthen your sexual connection with your partner. You might find out that a real, committed, intimate relationship is the best high of them all.
Joy of life - Cheating wife: understand and forgive or let go?
- Post category: Family psychology
Contents
Men do not cry - this is an unshakable social attitude.
Our society is so arranged that many male tragedies remain behind the scenes. They are not to be discussed. On the contrary, fears and problems are ridiculed in jokes. However, they exist and sometimes cause unbearable pain. One of these tragedies is the betrayal of a wife or girlfriend. What to do - file for divorce or try to improve relations in the family?
Men's psychology is formed under the influence of persistent stereotypes. It is generally accepted that the betrayal of a wife is a kind of stigma of a loser. Every man perceives himself as the one and only, secretly confident in his exclusivity, so it is very hard to endure betrayal.
TOP 10 most terrible male tragedies
Stronger sex experiences some events much more painfully than others. You can list them in order of importance:
- The death of your own child.
- Death of parents, wife, next of kin.
- Cheating on a permanent partner.
- Infertility.
- Disability and serious illness.
- Poverty.
- Impotence.
- Feeling of own inferiority.
- Awareness of oneself as a dependent person (alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling) and shame in front of people who spoke about it before.
- Death or betrayal of the closest friend.
Pay attention, the male ego is so strong that it suffers betrayal almost as hard as the death of children and wife. Even the fear of disability and impotence fades against this background. Often offended husbands immediately decide to dissolve the marriage. Over time, they realize what a terrible mistake they made, but it's too late.
Statistical data: just the facts
To understand how urgent the problem is, it makes sense to refer to the statistics provided by registry offices and sociological services:
- 500-700 thousand couples are officially divorced in Russia every year.
- The ratio of breakups of unregistered relationships to official divorces is 3:1, that is, about 2 million couples of cohabitants diverge annually.
- Breakups due to infidelity account for about 15% of the total.
It turns out that about 300 thousand men annually receive a powerful psychological blow when they learn about the betrayals of their loved ones. This is a huge number. On the other hand, the number of women who have to endure such pain reaches 2 million annually, that is, they are cheated several times more often.
What about the myth of female monogamy?
Family psychologists are often approached by husbands whose wives are cheating. It is difficult for them to realize even the fact of betrayal. At the same time, male infidelity is perceived by them almost as the norm. What is the reason for such double standards? In social attitudes that appeared in the sanctimonious Victorian era.
There have been periods in history when women were prescribed indifference to sex. The family and the child were considered the main values, and intimate joys existed only as an oppressive necessity for procreation.
At the same time, male pleasures on the side were not considered reprehensible. They were even proud of them.
Then the myths about "innate" male polygamy and female monogamy were born. They have little to do with reality, but so far cheating on her husband is considered in society to be one of the worst female sins. Under the influence of these stereotypes, some men get divorced, although in many cases timely psychological assistance can save a marriage.
For what reasons does it become possible for a wife to cheat?
Every couple has their own relationship history, and the reasons for cheating can be very different. We list the most common:
- Passion. If a man shows care, passion, attention and gives gifts, it is difficult for a woman to resist. She falls in love with a boyfriend, but the age of such novels is usually short-lived.
- Revenge. Women tend to take revenge on the faithful for their betrayal, inattention, callousness. They are driven only by resentment, but the object of attraction itself really seems attractive to them.
- Lack of attention. It is no secret that for a woman it is not so much sex that is important, but the feeling of her own attractiveness, desirability. If she does not receive her portion of attention and admiration in marriage, then she may well look elsewhere.
- Sexual dissatisfaction. If the temperaments of the spouses differ significantly, a woman may look for a permanent partner because of banal dissatisfaction. This does not exclude love and respect for her husband.
- Personality crisis. Attempts to understand yourself, your true desires can also manifest themselves in the form of betrayal. This is usually temporary.
- Chance. Yes, women can also have casual relationships due to momentary desires, weaknesses, under the influence of alcohol or emotions associated with former partners.
To decide how to proceed, you need to understand why your significant other cheated. Divorce is not an option, because it is likely that in your next marriage you will face the same problem.
If you can’t figure it out on your own, you should sign up for a consultation with a psychologist. It will help you look at the situation from the outside.
What to do - help from a psychologist
If you are overwhelmed by emotions, give yourself time to cool down. Anger is a bad adviser. In no case do not tell everyone and everyone about the problem, do not insult your partner. Remember, pouring mud on your own wife, you only reduce your value in the eyes of others.
Almost certainly well-wishers from among relatives and friends will be sincerely indignant and demand to leave the unfaithful woman. But this is unlikely to be the best way out, because the problem will still remain unresolved and will poison your relationship. You do not want to remain forever offended by women, a loser with a broken heart, do you?
The family psychologist of our Center in Saratov recommends acting according to the following scheme:
- Temporary loneliness.
Find a place where you can retire. Alcohol is excluded. It will not give consolation, it will simply cloud the mind and aggravate the problems. Stay alone so as not to make irreparable mistakes in the heat of the moment. Try to turn off painful emotions and soberly think about the situation. - Try to understand your wife. Look not so much for the cause of the betrayal as for the factors that ruined your relationship to such an extent that the woman despaired and began to look for another partner.
- Conversation. You have a hard heart-to-heart talk. Only after that it will be possible to draw some conclusions and act.
- Solution. If the wife really fell in love, you just have to let her go. But if the reason for the betrayal is different, the relationship can be restored (sometimes this is not difficult). In any case, it should be a joint and balanced decision. If you're breaking up, think about how you plan to live after the divorce.
- Psychological assistance.
Deciding to save a marriage and actually reclaiming intimacy after infidelity are very different things. The most reasonable thing is to sign up for Hellinger constellations or an individual consultation with a good specialist.
The Joy of Life Center is always open to visitors. Come in and we'll help you sort out your problems. If you still have doubts, read the reviews about the psychotherapists of our Center and make your choice.
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Tags: cheating wife, family psychologist
How to forgive betrayal and live on
Seeking psychological counseling in a situation of infidelity is a common occurrence. How to cope with strong feelings in the first days and weeks after its opening? Keep the relationship or not? Can you trust each other again? How to forgive the betrayal of his wife and move on? How to survive the betrayal of her husband and prevent its recurrence? These and similar questions are asked by those who are faced with the fact of treason.
And their solution takes time and inner work.
This article is about how to get over the pain of infidelity and what will help you forgive your wife or husband's infidelity and move on if you decide to keep the relationship.
Contents:
Step 1. How to cope with the pain after infidelity?
What should you not do if you discover infidelity?
To what extent can adultery affect family relationships?
Is it worth maintaining a relationship after infidelity?
Step 2. Understand the causes of infidelity: why did it happen?
Needs of men and women in marriage
Step 3. Decide how to live after infidelity
Step 1. How to deal with pain after infidelity?
Faced with betrayal, a deceived partner may experience loss of trust, jealousy, resentment, despair, anger, humiliation, emptiness. There may also be a fear of a repetition of betrayal, shame, a sense of guilt and injustice. Change hurts deeply.
Experiences can be very strong, even affecting well-being and health. And in my head, thoughts can be spinning every now and then, how this could happen.
The way from denial (“It can't be!”) through anger, depression to acceptance of this situation can take more than one month.
What will help ease the pain and get over what happened?
- Name the feelings you are experiencing, let them be. You can write about them in unsent letters or in a diary. This helps them loosen up over time.
- You can also write down your thoughts. When looking through the records, pay attention to the words “always”, “always”, “never” and the like. We sometimes tend to exaggerate some events, to rethink the past. At the same time, find confirmation of your thoughts and the most negative expectations. "He never loved me." “He always lied to me”, “I constantly think about betrayal.” Is it true?
- Pay attention to taking care of yourself.
- Be open to analysis of your couple's past.
It contains the causes of what happened.
You can talk about this with a partner, share your assumptions and get their opinion. The partner can say: “Something came over me, like a temporary eclipse, it was like it wasn’t me.” In fact, the reason is deeper. And it's important to understand it. Since in our life situations are repeated, the exact meaning of which we have not yet disclosed.
In this case, an outside perspective is often important. Thanks to him, the obvious reasons for what is happening are revealed. And the specialists of our center are ready to help you with this.
The revelation of the truth about infidelity is stressful for both partners. But often the probability of maintaining a relationship depends on the reaction of the deceived party.
What should not be done in case of infidelity discovered by you?
- Clarify details, details of relationships on the side. This will only intensify your feelings.
- Resort to reciprocal treason.
Although in the case of infidelity there is an imbalance in the relationship, trying to respond in kind is not the best solution.
- To take full responsibility for what happened on oneself did not give something to another, oneself (s) is to blame for everything.
The reasons for infidelity can be different factors. They can refer both to the partners themselves and to what happens between them. And by attributing completely the blame for what happened to himself, the deceived partner can even contribute to the repetition of betrayal.
- Fully blame the other half for what happened.
How is it that you did not betray and put your relationship in jeopardy?
In this case, there may be an illusion that it is important to get the "guilty" to repent, to take from him a promise not to repeat what happened, and to happily float further along the river of family life. But cheating is not something that one partner does to another.
This is a symptom of what is going on within this pair. Does not help the relationship and the transformation of a partner into a permanent debtor.
- You shouldn't tell a large circle of people about what happened.
Share your feelings with your loved ones (do not talk about this with children) or a psychologist. Discussing this topic with a wider circle of people can turn into a variety of tips. And they can eventually cause irritation rather than help and be useful. And sometimes they can even aggravate the situation, and in the future turn against you.
- Ignore the fact of infidelity, pretend that nothing happened.
Closing from this topic, you will not be able to figure out what led to this situation.
It is important to look at relationships from the outside in order to protect yourself from continuing or repeating what happened. This is a step towards a happier relationship full of trust and fidelity.
- Immediately go to file for divorce.
This decision can be made impulsively. Then it is not thought through how it will affect the future life of each family member. It is often caused by those strong feelings that are experienced after the discovery of the fact of infidelity.
At the same time, for an informed decision-making it is important to analyze a number of points. Do you have any children? How will their lives be in the event of a divorce? Who can help you financially or take on some responsibilities?
To what extent can adultery affect family relationships?
The influence of infidelity on marital relations depends on the stage of family life when it occurred. It happens that betrayal coincides, for example, with the beginning of married life, the birth of a child, the beginning of an independent life of children. These events themselves are not easy in the life of the family. And then betrayal can be experienced more acutely.
And it can have a greater impact on relationships in a couple.
In addition, the nature of the betrayal is important. Random or continuous? Sexual or emotional?
Along with the fact that the infidelity of one of the spouses affects the relationship between them, it affects the whole family. After infidelity in the case of the separation of the husband and wife, the tension in their relationship often changes the parent-child relationship.
The child may take unbearable responsibility for the condition or mood of the parent. He can provide care and support to an adult. So he takes on some of the functions that should be performed by the spouse. This does not correspond to his place in the family, age. And this is not good for both the development of the child and for family relationships.
Thus the condemned parent loses authority. The child may treat himself differently as his heir. A deceived parent can act as a victim. And the spouses are increasingly moving away from each other.
Is it worth maintaining a relationship after infidelity?
Many couples stay together after going through this crisis in their relationship. They find new ways of behaving, discover new opportunities for themselves, change their views. Divorce is easier than starting a new family.
Most likely your relationship has been under threat for a long time. You just didn't realize it. And betrayal seemed to have opened the abscess that had been brewing for a long time.
Two participants in a pair. And the question of maintaining, restoring or ending their relationship depends on each. Whether you keep the relationship is influenced not only by the feelings, attitudes, desires of the partner who is faced with infidelity, but also by what is behind the infidelity of the cheater, his subsequent actions, the willingness of both to look openly at their marriage, to see opportunities for change and start take concrete steps towards each other.
How did you become aware of the betrayal? Did your partner tell you about it himself? Or did you find out about it by accident, seeing a message on your phone or correspondence on social networks?
If your partner tried to hide the fact of infidelity, then we can assume that he is not trying to destroy your relationship.
And most likely something else is behind his infidelity.
And even if the cheating partner himself confessed his infidelity, this does not mean that he is necessarily ready for a break. Behind this may be a clear call to pay attention to your relationship.
Step 2. Understand the reason for the betrayal: why did it happen?
Knowing the cause of infidelity is important so that it does not happen again in these or other respects.
Cheating is a sign that something has gone wrong in a couple's relationship.
It is often an indicator of various, sometimes implicit, contradictions and conflicts in a couple. And often not associated with a violation of sexual relations.
In many cases it results from dissatisfaction with the psychological needs of the partner. Such as the need for respect, care, acceptance, emotional closeness.
Cheating, of course, to some extent threatens the preservation of relationships. At the same time, it can also help them not to collapse completely.
What can cheating say?
- Cheating as a way to convey to the partner a hidden message about dissatisfaction with the relationship and a call to change it
- The cheater's attempt to save the marriage/relationship by satisfying part of the need for communication with another person
- Cheating as a way to cope with life crises (loss of job, status)
- An attempt to increase self-esteem, confidence in one's physical, sexual attractiveness.
- Striving to meet standards. For example, for people with great wealth, having relationships on the side and even a second family is sometimes perceived as the norm.
- It can be an actualization of family scenarios, the way it was accepted in the parental family.
- A partner who has been cheated on may unconsciously be perceived as cheating as a parent with whom sexual intercourse is prohibited.
It happens that a husband acts as a father for his wife, and, accordingly, sex with him is akin to incest.
- The unfaithful partner lacks new impressions, vivid emotions in marriage.
Boredom and interest in new things is one of the reasons for looking for new relationships.
- Cheating as unpreparedness for a serious relationship, fear of intimacy.
- She may be one of the options for ending the relationship. An unfaithful partner can thus shift the responsibility for the breakup to another. In this case, treason may be a signal for divorce.
In many cases it is difficult for an abusive partner to openly discuss some aspects of the relationship. Or attempts to raise these issues did not lead to the desired result. And then betrayal seems to replace words. It is as if she gives permission to voice her feelings, claims, what does not suit her in a relationship.
What message does your partner's infidelity bring to you? What is important for you to understand about yourself, about him, about relationships?
Family psychologists of our center will delicately, carefully and tactfully help you reduce the severity of your feelings.
And also cope with the pain of infidelity, restore a sense of self-worth. We will help you find resources to get through this difficult period.
Working with a psychologist will also help to analyze what led to this situation, to make informed decisions. You will also understand how to build your life further and prevent a repetition of what happened.
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Relationship needs of men and women .
Often a partner in a relationship in a couple does not get what he needs in a relationship. Therefore, we will dwell on the needs that men and women have in marriage. Of course, this is very general information. And every relationship is unique. However, perhaps the information below will help you better understand something about your relationship.
Willard Harley Jr.
has been a family and marriage counselor for over 20 years. He singled out five basic needs of men and women in marriage. Their satisfaction, in his opinion, contributes to the construction and restoration of marital relations.
5 basic needs of men in marriage:
- in sexual satisfaction
- in a companion for recreation and entertainment
- in the external attractiveness of a spouse
- need for comfort -
it is important that his wife be proud of him
5 basic needs of women in marriage:
- the need for tenderness
- the opportunity to talk
- the need for sincerity and openness
- financial support
- for the husband to be a good father to children.
In his opinion, these ten needs are often the centers of disagreement in a couple.
Step 3. How to live on after infidelity?
In family psychology, adultery is seen as a crisis.
A family can face it at any stage of their life. It can end both with an internal change in the family, its transition to a new level, and parting. Also, betrayal can remain for a long time that difficult and traumatic event that prevents a couple from being happy.
If two people are ready to share responsibility for the crisis that has occurred in the relationship, are ready to consider an affair on the side as an indicator of the need for changes, they can come to a qualitative growth in their relationship and greater satisfaction with it.
If you are willing to forgive your wife's or husband's infidelity and move on with that partner, this may not save your couple from periodic conflicts about what happened. “I found (found) the strength to forgive, and you ...”
Therefore, it is important to draw conclusions from this story, to stop its influence on future relationships. For a couple to truly move forward towards a happier relationship, steps are required on the part of the cheating partner.
What words and actions do you expect from him?
What will help you, turning this page, start a new chapter in your family life, like remarrying your soul mate after going through a relationship crisis?
It's possible!
Family psychologists of our center are ready to accompany you on this path. They will help you not only to cope with strong feelings after the revealed betrayal, but also to realize what led to it. You will understand how to forgive the betrayal of a wife or husband and move on. You can discover new opportunities to improve your relationship. And also find out what will help to avoid a repetition of this situation in the future.
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