How to rebuild communication in a relationship

Lack of Communication: 17 Tips for Couples

If you’re in a relationship, chances are you’ve had your fair share of tense moments. It’s OK to have arguments — clashing is a completely normal part of being a couple.

But the key to any lasting relationship is to work toward building a stronger, more intimate bond.

“Communication is important because it fosters trust and connection,” explains Shelley Sommerfeldt, PsyD, a clinical psychologist who specializes in relationships. “In order to have an open, honest, and vulnerable relationship with our partner, we must be able to freely communicate in a healthy manner.”

Whether you’re just starting out as a couple or have been together for years, these strategies can help you both improve your communication skills.

Before you can get to work on improving your communication skills, it’s important to first identify the areas that need some work.

Here are some signs to look for.

Passive aggressive behavior

Passive aggression is a way of expressing hidden anger instead of addressing conflict head-on.

This might look like:

cracking jokes about your partner always being late
punishing them for being late by giving the silent treatment
making digs about their decisions

All of these behaviors allow you to express your frustration without actually having to talk about it. It might feel satisfying in the moment, but it won’t serve you any favors in the long run.

Brushing things under the rug

Simply avoiding conflicts won’t help, either. Ignoring issues just gives them the space and time to build up into something larger down the road.

Using aggressive speech

Becoming openly defensive or hostile when talking to your partner is a sign you’ve fallen into a toxic communication pattern.

Aggressive speech can involve:

raising your voice
blaming or criticizing
controlling or dominating the conversation

Recognize any of the above signs in your relationship? These tips can help you foster more open and honest communication.

Process your feelings first

Before talking with your partner about an issue that’s upsetting for you, be sure to process your own feelings on the subject and calm yourself first, says Sommerfeldt.

“If we go into a conversation feeling very angry, upset or too emotional, then the communication tends to become too heated and difficult to find resolution,” says Sommerfeldt.

Try taking a quick walk or listening to relaxing music before talking to your partner. That way you’ll be more in control of your emotions and be able to communicate well.

Thinking about timing

Choosing the right time to talk with your partner can make all the difference, Sommerfeldt notes.

If something’s weighing on your mind, give your partner a heads up that you’d like to sit down and talk.

“If your partner knows that you’d like to speak with them, this can help de-escalate the situation as well because they are less likely to feel ambushed or blindsided with a heated debate,” Sommerfeldt says.

Start with ‘I’ statements and feelings

How we speak to our partner can make all the difference. Often, couples begin a conversation by pointing the finger at the other person and placing blame, says Sommerfeldt.

She recommends beginning conversations with how you are feeling. You can ensure you do this by using statements that start with “I.”

For example, instead of calling out your partner for focusing too much on work, you could say, “I feel hurt when you always focus on work.” This is less accusatory than saying, “You’re always focusing on work.”

Focus on being both being heard and listening

“Many couples enter conversations as though they are debates or arguments that they must win,” says Sommerfeldt.

While you may not agree with your partner’s point of view, it’s important to actually listen to why they feel the way they do. They should do the same for you.

When having a discussion, don’t make it a competition to see who wins. Instead, actively listen and try to understand their point of view.

Make compromising and resolution the goal

“Remember that the focus of communication with your partner is coming to an understanding,” Sommerfeldt explains.

Whether you’re bringing up hurt feelings or addressing conflicting ideas about future plans, both of you should leave a conversation feeling as though there’s some kind of resolution.

More often than not, that resolution relies on some level of compromise, whether it’s about the division of chores or making financial decisions.

“This helps people forgive and move forward,” she adds. “It can also bring on feelings of strength and connection between partners.”

Set clear boundaries

Placing firm boundaries can also help avoid any miscommunication, advises Cali Estes, PhD.

For example, if finances are a sore spot, consider coming up with some boundaries. Maybe you decide that any purchase over $500 must be discussed and approved by both parties before pulling the trigger.

Leave notes for your partner

It might seem minor, but leaving a note to let your partner know what you’re doing can be extremely helpful, says Estes. In addition to providing practical information, it shows your partner that you’re thinking of them and being considerate of their potential worries about where you are.

If you know you’ll be meeting up with a friend after getting groceries, leave a quick note letting your partner know.

Regularly check-in throughout the day

Similarly, Estes recommends doing regular check-ins in the morning, around lunchtime, and in the evening.

“This would include taking what I call your mood temperature,” Estes says. “If you’re in a bad mood, you want your partner to know before you explode.” Try using a scale of 1 to 10 to let your partner know how your day is going.

When it comes to communication, there are things you’ll want to avoid whenever possible.

The silent treatment

“People often adopt the silent treatment thinking it’s setting boundaries,” says licensed therapist, Jor-El Caraballo, “but boundaries work best when communicated explicitly with a partner, otherwise they may not realize they’ve crossed one. ”

It’s better to be assertive about a boundary, Caraballo adds, than to assume that a partner knows why you’re hurt and shut them out, which can often cause more damage to a relationship.

Bringing up past mistakes

It’s easy to fall into the habit of rehashing the past during a heated moment. Regularly dredging up your partner’s mistakes can be counterproductive and just make them more defensive.

Yelling or screaming

Raising your voice during an argument or resorting to yelling and screaming is an ineffective way to process your anger.

In the long term, it can cause arguments to become more intense and erode your partner’s self-esteem.

Walking away

Stonewalling or walking away mid-argument is a way of disengaging from your partner and leaving conflict unresolved.

It’s understandable to feel overwhelmed and need a timeout. Be sure to explain that you need to take a moment away from the conversation.

Sarcasm and put-downs

Be aware of inappropriate humor when you’re in the midst of arguing. If you want to break the ice, it’s better to make a harmless joke about yourself than say something negative about them.

Disrespectful nonverbal behavior

Body language can communicate volumes. Checking your phone instead of facing them and making eye contact, for example, can make the other person feel disrespected.

Effective communication is the foundation of a successful relationship, but that doesn’t mean it’s always easy.

If you’re having a hard time working through communications in your relationship, consider seeing a therapist, either on your own or with your partner, to work through any underlying issues and develop some new tools.

Cindy Lamothe is a freelance journalist based in Guatemala. She writes often about the intersections between health, wellness, and the science of human behavior. She’s written for The Atlantic, New York Magazine, Teen Vogue, Quartz, The Washington Post, and many more. Find her at cindylamothe.com.

10 ways to improve communication in relationships

Back to the Ultimate Relationship Guide

Connection: We all crave it. We seek it through family and friends, but often our intimate relationships are where we expect to find the most connection. When we don’t, we feel isolated and misunderstood. We let these negative emotions lead to arguments – or worse, we stop communicating at all.

Communication in relationships is essential to having a happy, healthy partnership. And it isn’t about making small talk. Asking your partner how their day went is nice, but if you want an extraordinary relationship, you must dig deeper. Learning how to communicate in a relationship is about fulfilling your partner’s needs. To improve communication in your relationship, you must discover how to listen, not how to talk.

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Why is communication in relationships important?

Communication in relationships is essential to having a happy, healthy partnership. Your partner is likely the person you spend the most time with, which means there’s a greater risk of misunderstandings and conflict. But when you perfect communication in relationships, you’ll be rewarded.

✓ Increased trust

Real communication in relationships means that you can go to your partner about anything: sharing happiness and sadness, good days and bad. You’re willing to be vulnerable with them because you know that they will support you and love you no matter what. Absolute courage and vulnerability is one of the Five Disciplines of Love because it leads to total trust in your relationship.

✓ Better conflict resolution

We all know couples who seem to fight all the time – and those who seem to never fight at all. While all relationships have ups and downs, both frequent fighting and no fighting at all are signs of a lack of communication in relationships. The key isn’t to never disagree with your partner. It’s to improve your conflict resolution skills by using the eight tips above so that when disagreements do happen, you’re able to turn them into something that strengthens your relationship instead of tearing it down.

✓ Increased intimacy

Discovering how to improve communication in relationships is excellent for your emotional intimacy, or ability to listen, understand and be compassionate toward your partner. Developing your communication skills shows that you respect and value your partner and their feelings and opinions. When people feel honored and accepted in this way, emotional intimacy skyrockets – and physical intimacy often follows.

Yes, over-communication in relationships does exist in certain contexts. There are two common defense mechanisms when people are feeling anxious or unsure of how to express themselves: internalizing and externalizing. People who internalize tend to shut down and withdraw during conflicts; those who externalize want to talk it out, sometimes excessively.

In both of these cases, more communication doesn’t necessarily equal good communication. Internalizers may need space before they’re ready to talk; externalizers may need to slow down and refine their message. Before you’re tempted to say more, think about how you can say it better instead.

How to communicate in a relationship

Communication in relationships can be the difference between a strong, lifelong partnership or a conflict-filled bond that ends in disappointment. Learning how to communicate better is vital.

1. Commit to true connection

The biggest misconception about how to communicate in a relationship is that communication is the same as talking or making conversation. Communication in relationships, at its core, is about connecting and using your verbal, written and physical skills to fulfill your partner’s needs. It’s not about making small talk. It’s about understanding your partner’s point of view, offering support and being your partners#1 fan.

It’s easy to let real connection and passion diminish, especially in long-term relationships. But the first key to how to improve communication in a relationship is to admit that you’re not connecting the way you used to. Talk with your partner about rekindling your connection and provide a starting point. If your partner isn’t on board, don’t worry. Relationships are a place where you go to give, not one where you go to take. You can still enact many of these strategies without a commitment from your partner – and you may even inspire them to reciprocate.

2. Identify your communication styles

Before you work on learning how to improve communication in a relationship, you need to realize that not everyone has the same communication style. The four main communication styles are passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive and assertive. Passive communicators keep their emotions inside and are the ones who can never seem to say “no.” Aggressive communicators are loud and intense, but typically have trouble making real connections with others. Passive-aggressive communicators avoid conflict and use sarcasm to deflect real communication. The healthiest type of communication is assertive: These people are in touch with their emotions and know how to communicate them effectively.

Communication styles also involve our metaprograms, or the ways that we respond to information. Some people like to talk, some prefer touch and others are more visual or respond better to gift giving than an outward discussion of feelings. You probably know which communication style you prefer, but what about your partner?

Communication and relationships are all different. Effective communication with your partner will come from acknowledging this. Your partner can be telling you exactly what they need, but you have to be cognizant of how they convey this information to you. If there’s miscommunication, you’ll miss the opportunity to build trust and intimacy, and you’ll both feel frustrated.

When striving to learn how to communicate better, watch your partner respond to different perceptive cues over a day or two. Does he or she seem to respond most to seeing and watching? Hearing and talking? Or touching and doing? For example, if your partner is more responsive to language, tone and other auditory cues, making lots of eye contact and gentle facial expressions isn’t communicating as much to them as you think. You’re sending signals but they’re not picking them up. On the other hand, if you find that you are an auditory person and your partner is a kinesthetic person, remember that saying “I love you” may not be enough. Reinforce your love with touch, and remember to do so often.

3. Discover the six human needs

There are six fundamental needs that all humans share, but each of us puts these needs in a different order in accordance with our core values. Once you discover which needs matter the most to your partner, you’ll know how to communicate with your partner and in a way that fulfills them.

The first human need is the need for certainty. It’s this need that drives us to seek out pleasure and avoid pain, stress and emotional risks. Ask yourself these questions: How secure is my partner feeling in our relationship? We all find safety and comfort in different things. Be open with your partner about what gives them certainty and makes them feel stable.

The second human need that affects communication and relationships is the need for variety. Uncertainty isn’t always scary if you know how to communicate with your partner. Relationships need healthy challenges that allow partners to grow together. As you learn how to communicate better, you’ll find that variety keeps things fun and exciting with your partner.

Significance is the third human need: We all need to feel unique and important. Communication is key to this particular desire because your partner needs to know that you need them, in a singular way – that they fulfill your needs in ways that only they can. How do you demonstrate to your partner, not just tell them, that they are significant to you? You can show them through loving touch, offering them support when they need it and spending quality time with them.

The fourth basic human need is for connection and love. Every human needs to feel connected with others. Effective communication in relationships lets us know that we are loved and can make us feel at our most alive, but absence of love can cause pain like nothing else can. Too often we automatically say “I love you” in order to solve a conflict with our partners and forget to show love in a real, tangible way that speaks to our partner’s needs. Reverse this pattern: Consciously show your partner that you love them every day, in a way that speaks to their personal preferences and needs. Learning how to improve communication in a relationship is about realizing what “language” your partner best understands and giving them love in that way.

Growth is the fifth human need. The human experience is one of motion and without constant growth, our relationships will become stale. We constantly endeavor to evolve along the different paths that interest us the most, whether these are emotional, intellectual, spiritual or otherwise. Your partner has the need for growth as much as you do and when we learn how to communicate better, we can also learn how to better grow together. When was the last time you supported your partner’s growth in the areas that they are most passionate about? How can you continue to support them to the fullest?

The sixth and final human need is contribution and giving. Remember, the secret to living is giving. Contribution is our source of meaning – it determines who we become and solidifies our legacy, who we are and our role in the world. Consider what you give to your partner and how you can give more. Are you giving your time? Your undivided attention? The benefit of the doubt? A second chance? When communication in relationships is strong, both partners are able to continually come up with new and better ways of contributing to the other’s happiness.

9 KEYS TO PASSION & INTIMACY

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4. Learn the three keys to passion and intimacy

The strongest relationships have polarity: opposing masculine and feminine energies that compliment each other. When the needs of either person aren’t being met, that person will put on a “mask” of the opposing energy and close off from their partner. But when polarity in relationships is fully embraced, a beautiful connection is created.

Masculine and feminine energies each have three key needs that must be met. Feminine energies need to feel seen – they want you to be present with them and appreciate them. They need to feel understood, through listening and validation. And they need to feel safe, both physically and emotionally.

Masculine energies need to feel appreciated, through praise and celebration. They need to feel free, not micromanaged or controlled. And they need to feel opened up to – so share your emotions and affection freely.

Communication in relationships is about first fulfilling your partner’s needs. When you do that, they will be more open to communicating and connecting with you to create the relationship you both desire.

5. Determine if your partner’s needs are being met

There is one surefire way to know if your partner is getting their needs met in your relationship: ask the right questions and then deeply listen to the answers. Reflect on what your partner says, and if you’re not sure what he or she means, then ask by restating their point and asking if you understand correctly. The key to how to communicate in a relationship is often not in the actual verbal communication at all – it’s in the way we listen to our partner.

Your partner may be communicating exactly what the problem is, but if you’re not listening, you’ll miss it. Resist the pull of just waiting for your partner to finish what they’re saying so you can launch into your “turn.” That isn’t listening, it’s waiting to talk. Instead, listen with a calm, open mind and really hear what they are saying to you. This will not only help you learn how to communicate better, but will also enable you to connect with your partner on a deeper level.

6. Be honest and open

Being honest and open is at the top of the list for how to improve communication in a relationship. Say what you mean, and make your feelings and your needs clear. Retreating from conflict seems deceptively safe and comfortable, but it’s no substitute for trust in a relationship and it will never help you learn how to communicate better. Walking away from an argument is a temporary way to deal with an ongoing communication issue and must only be done to achieve a brief cooling-down period. When you disagree with your partner, you must be able to trust that what you say will be heard and respected, and so does your partner.

If you or your partner (or both of you) is averse to conflict, you can find yourselves burying your emotions to please each other and avoid problems. This temporary peacekeeping band-aid turns a two-way relationship into a one-way street, and that’s not a sustainable outcome. The happiness and intimacy you used to share will gradually erode, and it will take the relationship with it. Instead of ignoring issues, it’s crucial that you both learn how to communicate better with each other.

7. Be present in your relationship

To improve communication in relationships and truly understand what your partner is telling you, be present. Put time aside and dedicate yourself 100% to communicating with your partner. They must truly feel that they have your full attention and that they are your number one priority.

It’s difficult to listen and be fully present, aware and mindful when you’re angry and stressed or are working on things that take time away from your relationship. This is a part of life, but it’s important to realize that it’s not an excuse for neglecting communication in relationships. Remember that intimacy, love and trust are built when times are hard, not when they’re easy. If we gave up at every sign of resistance, we would never progress and evolve. Seize these opportunities to learn how to deal with conflict and stress in a healthy manner and watch as you grow and flourish with your partner.

8. Let things go

Resist letting a discussion about what’s happening now devolve into a rehash of every wrong that has ever happened between you and your partner. This is the opposite of loving and effective communication in relationships. Instead, assess the present situation and identify what you can do at this moment. Pause and remember why you’re here, and remember that your goal, the outcome that you value, is to strengthen your relationship, build intimacy and learn how to communicate better. There’s nothing either of you can do about the past right now, so let it go.

How to communicate better is about more than saying the right things. Also be aware of your body language. You could offer all the loving and supportive words in the world to your partner, but if your arms are crossed over your chest and you have a scowl on your face, your partner is unlikely to respond favorably. How to communicate in a relationship means listening, loving and supporting with your whole being. Lean toward your partner, keep your face relaxed and open and touch them in a gentle manner. Show them through all your words, actions and expressions that you love them even if you are in conflict.

9. Break negative patterns

You know what your partner needs and have thought about their preferred communication style, but there’s something else that affects communication in relationships: how you’re speaking. Experts on communication break down the way we talk into pitch, pace, volume and timbre. The next time you’re in a disagreement with your partner, be mindful and make conscious efforts to modulate these aspects of your voice.

A voice that is overly high-pitched sounds defensive and immature. Also, if you end a sentence with a higher pitch, it sounds like a question; don’t do this unless you’re actually asking a question, or you risk instilling doubt in your partner.

Pace just means how fast you’re talking. Take a deep breath and slow down – especially when you’re disagreeing. Speak calmly and clearly to get your message across.

Pay attention to volume, especially volume “creep,” and avoid competing to be heard – competition only leads to shouting and miscommunication. Being louder won’t help you communicate with your partner. If your partner is speaking, listen.

Timbre refers to your voice’s emotional quality, attitude and tone. Pay careful attention to this, and watch for red flag timbres like sarcasm that can erode communication in relationships and cause distrust between partners.

When things do get out of hand, break the pattern: Be playful and use humor in a way that keeps the conversation flowing in the right direction. Injecting humor into the situation can make it feel less dire and can yield amazing results for the two of you. That’s because humor helps you regain perspective and balance; it is an essential component of healthy communication in relationships. It also relieves stress and improves your physical happiness in your everyday life. The biggest benefit to laughing in this context is that it reminds you that you love just being together with your partner. It reminds you that you can enjoy your time together, even when things seem challenging.

When learning how to communicate in a relationship, it’s important to break the pattern of hostility, hurt and retreat. For example, when you catch yourself raising your voice or being sarcastic, change your tone. If you’re using “you” repeatedly and blaming your partner, switch to “I” and “me,” or better yet, “we.” There’s no point in offloading all your relationship’s issues on to your partner. There are two people in every relationship, so don’t shift the blame to be entirely on their shoulders.

Breaking the pattern is a powerful way of reframing the discussion and bringing it back to a level where you can get to what matters. Communication in relationships is all about what your partner’s needs are, what your needs are and how you can both feel fulfilled from your relationship.

10. Start over

Sometimes no matter how much you want to improve communication in a relationship, an argument happens. This is when it’s most essential to be aware of your negative patterns and start over before they become destructive.

Tony often shares an incredible story about Mikhail Gorbachev and Ronald Reagan that speaks to the power of patterns. If you were born before the mid-80s, you remember the Cold War. It was a defining period of world history when two superpowers, with opposite ideologies – i.e., differences in values – confronted each other in a tense political conflict that could, at any point, tip toward war. It was not a productive relationship and in the late-80s the leaders of the two powers met in a series of talks that would forever shape the course of human history.

But, the story of how Reagan, president of the United States, and Gorbachev, leader of the Soviet Union, resolved the conflict did not start as well as you might think. Gorbachev and Reagan found themselves in the middle of a heated discussion on the merits and demerits of capitalism and communism. Like any discussion on politics, it was going nowhere and neither leader was sure how to communicate better with the other.

Tony had the pleasure of speaking to both Reagan and Gorbachev years after and he asked them, “What was the moment you decided for peace?” Gorbachev related that, in the middle of the argument, Reagan stood and walked away, only to suddenly turn and exclaim, “Okay, let’s try this again. I’m Ronald!” If Reagan and Gorbachev can start over after so much animosity, there’s hope for communication in your relationship, too.

Always remember that you are together because you make each other smile. Problems are obstacles that need surmounting, and while it’s easy to give up, the truth is that these are the moments that will define your relationship. Listen to your partner, discover the needs they value the most and fulfill them. When you understand that giving is the secret to a fulfilling relationship, you’ll put constant work into how to communicate with your partner in a way they can understand.

Ready to learn how to communicate better?

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6 steps to get your ex friend back

April 20, 2022 Relationship

If you're in a quarrel, it doesn't have to be forever. Repairing a relationship can be easier than you think.

The older we get, the harder it is to make new friends. And to restore relations with the old ones, especially if you once quarreled and did not communicate for many years, it may seem like an impossible mission. Everyone has their own life, new interests and social circle. Suddenly the paths diverged so far that they will never converge again? Suddenly, the resentment was so burning that it still has not cooled down?

And yet, if you really miss your friend and your relationship, you should at least try to restore them. Here's how.

1. Make contact

The first step will take some courage and a little effort, but it's a must. It’s good that now you can not call a person and not talk to him, but write to him, say, on Facebook *. This will reduce the degree of awkwardness a little.

Start with a warm greeting, tell a friend that you remembered him and realized that you missed him, ask how he is doing.

If an interesting and active conversation starts, this is a good sign. At least you are welcome and you still have something to talk about.

But if you get ignored or cold monosyllabic answers, most likely, the attempt to establish communication has failed.

Find a way out 😊

How to make friends at any age

2. Get to know a friend again

Ask him where and how he lives now, where he works, what his hobbies are. You will be surprised how much a person can change in a few years.

Maybe you no longer have the same values, goals, or interests, and this new old friend will no longer be so sympathetic to you. Or maybe, on the contrary, you will now have even more common topics and fewer reasons for conflict.

3. Suggest meeting

Live communication is still different from correspondence and even video chats. You can see the emotions of the interlocutor, feel his mood, catch whether there is tension between you. And in general, to understand how easy it is for you to communicate with each other and whether it is worth continuing to communicate.

Perhaps it will be easier to discuss some old grievances during a personal meeting, if you still have them.

4. Get ready for an unpleasant conversation

If the last time the conversation ended due to your fault - you upset a friend, stopped giving him time, said or did something unpleasant - he has the right to be offended. And it may well remind you of how it all ended.

It would be nice to analyze why you behaved in this way and what to do to prevent the situation from happening again.

For example, in the past you did not support a friend during a difficult period for him, because you were too busy with yourself and your own affairs. See if you can be more empathetic and supportive this time around.

Or you gossiped behind a friend's back - and this is an occasion to learn to be more restrained and appreciate the trust that you have been given.

In a word, it will be great if you admit that there is your share of responsibility in breaking up the relationship. And maybe you will consider it necessary to apologize - if there is anything for it.

In the opposite direction, this approach also works. If you have offended you, you have the right to expect that a friend will admit his guilt and behave differently.

5. Meet more often

It takes 200 hours of communication to develop friendship into a strong friendship. You're basically starting a relationship from scratch right now, so it's likely to be a year or two before your friendship gets back to where it was.

And it will need to be fed all the time. Chat in messengers, have Zoom parties, go to cafes and exhibitions together, go on trips and so on. Naturally, all this should not be an obligation - if you are easy and fun together, you will have many hours of pleasant communication.

6. Don't repeat past mistakes

Start treating your friend more carefully if you used to pull the blanket over yourself and didn't notice other people's problems. If you have analyzed your behavior and realized that it was toxic, learn to communicate without aggression, including passive, and psychological violence.

Master the techniques 😎

How to get your way without manipulation or coercion

Be ready to support a friend if they have difficulties. Don't disappear, don't ignore messages, and remember that friendships need time, just like any other area of your life.

If the problem was not with you, carefully watch how your friend behaves, whether he offends you, whether he violates your boundaries, whether he tortures you with ignorance. If something happens that you don't like, feel free to politely say so and explain your emotions.

Have you ever wanted to reconnect with a former friend? Were you able to rekindle the friendship? Tell in the comments.

5 steps to regain intimacy

110,972

Man and woman

1. Restore a trusting dialogue

Is it enough for us to communicate, which has turned into an exchange of information about children and the household? After all, I want to be important for a partner, to see interest in his eyes. If we want to establish mutual trust, we can start by sharing this desire with a partner. “Tell him about it peacefully and respectfully, avoiding any reproaches,” suggests family psychologist Inna Shifanova.

Stop looking at your partner with disappointment and blaming him for no longer matching the ideal image that we had at the beginning of the relationship is the first step to returning intimacy. Let's look at him differently: as a person with whom we, starting from this moment, want to be happier, and try to take care of him the way we would like him to take care of us.

“If you start a conversation with an affectionate address, there are much more chances that it will go well,” reminds Inna Shifanova. In addition, it is important to realize what kind of couple we dream of building. And then discuss it with a partner and think about how to achieve the goal. “Instead of making a list of everything that a loved one does not do,” continues the family psychologist, “it is useful to ask him what we can do for him to feel loved.” Perhaps this will encourage him to do the same.

Going out together gives partners the opportunity to see each other as independent, attractive people again which I didn’t say out loud,” admits 43-year-old Svetlana. Now, when I want something, I just ask him for it. I tell what is important to me and ask about his desires. I feel like I can trust him again. And the fact that we are different is no longer annoying. On the contrary, it is interesting!”

2. Give each other time

With the advent of children, a married couple turns into a parental one ... and often gets lost in it. Husband and wife need to set aside time to be together. This is good for both the couple and the kids, who should know that the parents chose to live together for more than just taking care of them.

“It took me six months to persuade my wife to go to visit, leaving the child with her grandmother,” recalls 36-year-old Fyodor. And I can say that I was lucky. Now we at least occasionally go out somewhere together. But we have familiar families who seem to be divided: the wife is at home, the husband goes to his friends.

Some emotionally distance themselves from their partners, risking sending them to others in search of missing warmth. And a joint “going out” gives partners the opportunity to escape from worries and again see independent, attractive people in each other. But psychoanalyst Fabien Kremer suggests “taking time to be alone at home. If we spend one hour each evening together, without TV, without a mobile phone and without children, we show each other that relationships are important to us.”

You can have a glass of wine together while preparing dinner or go out for a walk with your dog. “Over time, you begin to feel the need for such moments, because they really bring you together,” says 37-year-old Daria.

If the relationship becomes too ordinary, the reason may be that both spouses or one of them avoid being face to face with a partner. What exactly are they afraid of? Get bored? Find that they do not meet the expectations of another or their own? Here are some questions to think about.

3. Continue courtship

“At home she wears a tracksuit, and she brings beauty only when we are going somewhere,” says 44-year-old Denis with regret. “I don’t think I matter to her anymore.” Of course, it's about the sense of proportion. Sometimes it's nice to relax at home. But there is a danger that at some point the relationship will lose its eroticism.

“Remaining seductive is a way of saying “I want you to like me” to another and thereby giving him confidence, says psychotherapist Isabelle Constant. In addition to grooming, there are other signs of interest that are more original than the kiss on duty in the morning and evening. You can try to come up with something that would be nice for another to come home, to make him little surprises.

“Whether you like it or not, there are “love killers”!” 34-year-old Ekaterina is convinced. Indeed, it is difficult for us to remain mysterious when we know almost everything about each other: from signs of a bad mood to physiological details. The generosity of love would like to forgive all this. But desire is much less indulgent. And here, according to Isabelle Constant, the game comes to the rescue.

Mutual admiration strengthens self-esteem and nourishes the desire to be together

“We date each other in bars and pretend it's our first meeting,” says 34-year-old Nikolai. “Every time I get to know my wife again, I see her with different eyes.” His wife Elena says that she is still surprised by the compliments of her beloved and the enthusiasm with which he wins her again and again.

Mutual admiration strengthens self-esteem and nourishes the desire to be together. Our efforts to reinforce our partner's confidence in their beauty and personal worth remind them—and us—of why they've become indispensable.

4. Putting relationships first

A couple is not just a union of two. In it, everyone discovers values that are important to him: communication, closeness, confidence in the future. When we begin to doubt our worth and our place in the world, seeing ourselves as part of a couple can strengthen us. “By creating rituals that show that we are happy with the relationship, we give the partner confidence, remind him of the importance of our connection, and ourselves of the commitments made,” notes Fabien Kremer.

But the shared intimate space needs protection. Therefore, we should establish boundaries between our couple and the outside world. Reaffirming such boundaries is the respect with which we always talk about a partner with others, no matter what happens in the relationship. Fabien Kremer also urges "to assert communication with a partner in public and avoid ambiguous behavior, that is, not to meet with the former in his absence and not to maintain close friendship with members of the opposite sex."

Old fashioned? Each couple adopts their own rules of conduct. The main thing is to spare the sensitivity of the beloved and not to arouse his jealousy. To understand what offends him in order to be able to calm him down, and also to be well aware of the reasons why we sometimes want to start a relationship outside of a couple. After all, “when we make commitments, we must inevitably give up something. But this is the price we pay for our union with our beloved to become something truly delightful, ”the psychoanalyst sums up.

Supporting each other

Giving priority to a partner means, among other things, taking into account his difficulties, listening to him carefully, being able to help, putting aside all business. Of course, it's not easy. Our era encourages independence, and sometimes we habitually close ourselves, instead of opening up, asking a loved one for help and leaning on him.

It is also not easy to admit the seemingly simple fact that this closest person is different, his feelings, thoughts, intentions, needs are different from ours. Nevertheless, it is necessary to "accept the otherness of the partner, not wanting to change him," says psychoanalyst Jean-Michel Hirt. Tolerate that he is not always at his best, that he can be sick and weak.

"This implies," the psychoanalyst continues, "that we are able to accept our own weaknesses.
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