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Why am i insecure in relationships


How to work on your insecurities in a relationship together

Do you find yourself fishing for compliments? Asking where your partner is going, even though you know the answer? Badgering them for extra attention although you spent the entire day together? Maybe you repeatedly ask your spouse about spending time with a coworker who’s just a friend. All of these things are signs of insecurity in a relationship.

Many people feel jealous and insecure in their relationships, even if they are loved unconditionally by their partner. Whether you’re in a relatively new relationship or a decades-long marriage, here’s everything you need to know about how to stop being insecure in a relationship.

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What is relationship insecurity?

Relationship insecurity means you’re unsure and unconfident about your relationship. It’s a deep belief that you just aren’t good enough for your partner, that you don’t deserve love or one of many other limiting beliefs that cause you to feel anxious. You may doubt your own value and have a low sense of self-worth. You may even be living in a state of fear, always worrying about what your partner is doing when they’re not with you.

 Insecurities in a relationship often stem from your past, and now you are letting your past control your future. Insecure people don’t always appear that way – in fact, overconfidence and narcissism can actually be signs of deep insecurity. Feelings of insecurity run so deep, we may not even recognize them ourselves, but there are a few key signs.

Signs of insecurities in a relationship

You’re jealous

 This is one of the most obvious signs of relationship insecurity. A jealous partner constantly questions their significant other’s true intentions. They spy, become clingy or control your friendships and free time. Jealousy is all-consuming and damaging to every relationship.

 

You seek attention

 Some attention-seeking behaviors are similar to jealousy, like the need for constant reassurance. Others are about a fear of being alone, like always having to do everything together. Still others fulfill a need for significance by causing drama or picking fights.

 

You argue constantly

 Every couple argues – the difference is between healthy and unhealthy arguing. Healthy arguing uses productive communication tactics to reach a place of understanding and agreement. Unhealthy arguing stems from lack of trust, unresolved insecurities and even fear that true communication will cause your partner to leave you. 

 

You worry

 Insecurities in a relationship don’t always manifest outwardly. Many insecure people keep their feelings bottled up – while deep down inside, they’re constantly worrying that their partner is cheating on them, lying to them or will break up with them at any moment. If this sounds like you, it’s time to ask yourself how to deal with insecurities in a relationship.

 

You’ve noticed negative effects

 Feeling insecure in a relationship doesn’t just affect you. It affects your partner and your overall relationship. Unhealthy arguments lead to complete communication breakdowns that don’t achieve a productive outcome. Insecurity also creates an imbalance in which you are the only one getting your needs met, leading to resentment and anger. It can destroy your relationship entirely.

 

Causes of relationship insecurity

 It’s tempting to blame feelings of insecurity on outside forces. Maybe you’ve been rejected one too many times. Or your partner really did cheat on you or treat you poorly in the past. Perhaps insecurity in your family relationships has led to a fear of abandonment. These experiences do shape your beliefs, but ultimately, you are in charge of your own emotions – and relationship insecurity is an emotion.

 The real root of insecurity is a lack of confidence. We may project an image of confidence, but inside, we feel inadequate and undeserving. And then we sabotage ourselves and our relationships. It becomes a negative pattern that we can’t seem to break – but we can.

How to stop being insecure in a relationship

If you feel insecure, it’s because you haven’t dealt with whatever is putting you in a negative state. This could be that your needs aren’t being met by your relationship, or it could have to do with something outside your union, like a lack of self-confidence or fear of the unknown. The important thing is to get to the root of the problem so you can start feeling confident in your relationship.

1. Start with self-love

The core cause of insecurities in a relationship is often a lack of self-love. If one partner holds on to harmful limiting beliefs, like being afraid of failure or thinking that they don’t deserve love, they won’t be able to trust completely – and trust is the foundation of any relationship. To work on self-love, first identify and overcome your limiting beliefs. Learn to interrupt negative patterns of self-talk. Take steps to build your confidence and turn your life into a journey of discovery, not distrust and suspicion.

2. Learn to communicate effectively

Communication is key in all areas of life – and that’s especially true if you’re feeling insecure in a relationship. To really discover how to stop being insecure in a relationship, the best thing you can do is effectively communicate with your partner. How does your partner communicate? What’s their communication style? You can talk things over repeatedly, but unless you’re truly connecting with your partner on their level, it will be challenging to resolve lingering issues.

3. Meet each other’s needs

Feeling insecure in a relationship is often a symptom that certain needs aren’t being met. There are six basic human needs that affect every single person on the planet. We all strive to feel certain that we can avoid pain and gain pleasure; we crave variety in life; we want to feel significant; connection to others is essential and growth and contribution help us find fulfillment. Each person ranks these needs in a different way. Which one is most important to you? Is your relationship helping to fulfill this need? If not, how can you improve the relationship to feel more loved and supported?

4. Balance your polarity

In every relationship there is one partner with a masculine energy and another with feminine energy. These energies don’t have to align with genders, but opposing forces need to be present in order to find romantic harmony. This concept is called polarity. If you’re feeling insecure in a relationship, you and your partner may not be in balance. If both partners take on masculine or feminine traits, it can cause insecurities to arise. Look at how your roles have changed over time. How can you restore polarity and banish insecurity?

5. Act like you’re a new couple

When you start dating someone new, the energy is electrifying. You want to learn everything about your partner and be physically close to them whenever possible. Over time, this spark fades. As you become better acquainted with your partner, the fireworks you first felt start to fizzle. You become comfortable in your habits and stop needing to impress. Insecurities in a relationship can surface when your partner feels that you’re no longer making an effort or that your attraction is fading. Bring back the passion in your relationship and act like you did when you started dating. Compliment your partner. Plan surprising dates. Write them love notes. These small acts can reignite the passion and squash insecurities.

6. Create new stories

Mistakes are made in even the happiest relationships, but sustainable relationships are able to leave those mistakes in the past. What are you and your partner dealing with? No matter if you’ve previously fought over finances or flirtations, if you’re deciding to move forward as a couple then it’s time to leave those old stories behind. Instead of insisting that your partner always does something that irritates you, shift your mindset. Accept your partner for who they are and decide to create a beautiful new story together instead of reliving past pain, and you’ll learn how to stop being insecure in a relationship.

7. Stop overanalyzing

What does insecure mean? It has nothing to do with outside forces. All of your insecurities in a relationship start in your own head. Your thoughts affect your emotions, and your emotions affect your actions. When you let anxious thoughts spiral out of control, that’s when you lash out at your partner, become defensive or shut down. Stop these feelings before they start by learning to control your emotions. Keep your partner’s actions in perspective – everyone talks to the opposite sex, wants to go out with their friends and needs alone time once in a while. This doesn’t reflect badly on you. It means you’re in a normal, healthy relationship!

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Overcome Relationship Insecurity: 5 Steps To Know When It's Time To Leave

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Table of Contents

Have you ever asked yourself, how do I know if my relationship is healthy? How can I overcome my insecurity? Is it time for me to leave my relationship? These are common questions that many people ask themselves when they feel insecure in their relationship. Relationship insecurity can be caused by many different things, but it is often the result of feeling abandoned, neglected, or not good enough.

There are signs that indicate your relationship is unhealthy and you may be feeling insecure for a reason. Let’s discuss common signs of insecurity in a relationship to help you determine if your relationship is healthy or not so you can make the best decision for yourself and your partner.

Signs of Insecurity in a Relationship

There are many different signs that indicate your relationship could be unhealthy and you may be feeling insecure for a reason.

  • Your partner is emotionally distant
  • You lack trust in your relationship and have a hard time believing what your partner says or does
  • Your significant other doesn’t want to be around you even though they previously had always wanted to spend time with you
  • Your significant other is often upset or irritable
    Your partner often expresses jealousy or controlling behaviors
  • You constantly need reassurance from your partner
  • You frequently find yourself in arguments and fights
  • You have low self-esteem or lack of trust in yourself
  • You feel isolated or alone

Experiencing signs of relationship insecurity does not always mean your relationship is unhealthy; sometimes you can feel insecure for reasons outside of your relationship that can impact how you feel in your relationship.

If you are experiencing signs of insecurity in your relationship, it’s time to take a serious look at what might be causing these feelings and think about whether you and your significant other can work through them.

Causes of Insecurity in Relationships

Feeling insecure in your relationship can be caused by many different things:

  • Childhood Insecurities: Frequently if we do not get all our needs met and develop a secure attachment style as children (and sometimes even adults), it leads us to develop an insecure attachment style in our relationships. People with an insecure attachment style tend to have a harder time trusting their partner, often fearing abandonment and neglect.
  • Brain Chemistry: When it comes to feelings of insecurity, there is also science involved. Our brain chemistry can affect our emotions and contribute to the way we feel in a relationship.
  • Relationship History: Past relationships or bad breakups might leave you feeling insecure about your current relationship. It can be hard to let go of past hurts and move on from difficult things, especially when it comes to relationships.
  • Lack of Self-Esteem: Feeling insecure in your relationship can also be caused by a lack of self-esteem and feeling like you don’t measure up compared to others. If you struggle with feelings of inadequacy or not being good enough, this is especially likely to cause insecurity in your relationship.
  • Fear of Being Alone: If you are afraid of being alone or always want someone by your side, this can cause insecurity in your relationship. If you have a fear of being single and think that there is no one else out there for you but your current partner, then it is likely to lead to feelings of insecurity in the relationship when your partner does not act how you would like them to.
  • Toxic Relationships: Toxic relationships can also leave you feeling insecure because the way a toxic partner treats you is likely how you feel about yourself and fear being treated by others as well. If this is going on with your significant other, it’s time to move on from them altogether if you are not able to change the dynamic of the relationship.

Ways to Overcome Insecurity in Your Relationship

If you are coping with insecurity in your relationship, there are ways to work through it and overcome the insecurity. 

  • Talk about your feelings: This is a huge one. Talk to your partner about what might be causing your insecurity and be honest about how you’re feeling. Chances are they might not even know that their actions or words are impacting you the way they are.
  • Get support: Getting outside help or advice from a trusted friend, family member, or therapist can also help you work through your feelings of insecurity and overcome them. If you feel like there is no one to turn to, don’t worry- there are a lot of ways you can work towards feeling more secure with a little bit of effort.
  • Challenge your thoughts: If you’re struggling with negative or irrational thoughts about yourself and your relationship, it can be helpful to challenge them. When you catch yourself thinking these thoughts, ask yourself if they are true and whether there is evidence to back them up. Even taking time to write these things down can help you sort through your thoughts and feelings in a healthy way. Often, our insecure thoughts are just that- thoughts, and not reality.
  • Make time for yourself: It’s important to have some “you” time to maintain your sense of self and independence. If you’re always focused on your relationship, it can be hard to remember that you are an individual too. Make sure to schedule some time each week for things that make you happy- whether that’s reading, going for a run, or spending time with friends.
  • Focus on the good: It can be easy to get wrapped up in all the negative things happening in your relationship, but try to focus on the good too. Remind yourself of why you fell in love with your partner in the first place and what you like about them. This can help boost your confidence and overcome feelings of insecurity.

There is no one-size-fits-all answer when it comes to dealing with relationship insecurity, the best thing you can do is focus on any internal issues that you might be dealing with and take steps to overcome them. With a little effort, you can feel more confident and secure in your relationship!

How to Know When It's Time to Break Up With Someone Who Makes You Feel Insecure

If you’re feeling insecure in your relationship and none of the tips listed above seem to be helping, it might be time to reconsider your relationship status. If you are constantly feeling anxious or down because of your partner, it’s likely not a healthy relationship for you. Other signs that it might be time to break up with someone include:

  • They put you down or make fun of you in front of other people.
  • You’re not comfortable enough to talk to them about the things that are bothering you, and they don’t seem interested in working on your relationship either.
  • They make you feel like your concerns aren’t valid or important.
  • They don’t respect your time or personal space.
    You don’t feel like yourself when you’re around them.
  • You’ve noticed signs of emotional abuse such as gaslighting or invalidation.

If any of these signs sound familiar, it might be time to break up with someone who makes you feel insecure and find someone else who is more supportive! It’s never easy to decide to end a relationship, but if the negatives outweigh the benefits (and there are no signs of improvement), this might be your best choice.

If your partner is causing insecurity in your relationship through their actions, it’s important to take a step back and reevaluate. If they are unwilling to work with you when you express feelings of anxiety or fear towards certain aspects of your relationship, it might be time to end things.

Tips For Couples Who Are Struggling With Feelings of Insecurity And Want The Best For Their Relationship

If you and your partner are willing to work through feelings of insecurity, here are some tips to help you along the way:

  • Set boundaries for your relationship: It’s important to establish clear communication about what you are comfortable with in terms of physical touch, spending time together, and general communication.
  • Prioritize alone time: Make sure that each partner has enough space away from the other. This will help them maintain a healthy sense of individuality while also feeling secure when they’re around one another!
  • Identify what triggers you: If certain things always seem to make you feel insecure, try to identify them. This can help you to know what to avoid or how to deal with your feelings when they come up.
  • Talk about your fears: If you’re feeling scared or anxious, talk to your partner about it! It might help to see their reaction and know that they are supportive of you.
  • Don’t bottle up your feelings: This will only lead to more resentment and frustration down the road.
  • Talk about what’s going on in your relationship: this will help both you and your partner feel closer to one another!
  • Be positive: It can be really helpful to focus on the good things in your relationship, rather than only the negative.

Need Someone to Talk to About Relationship Insecurity?

We understand, trying to navigate these feelings can be tough. If you need someone to talk to about relationship insecurity, our counselors are here for you! You don’t have to go through this alone.

At Makin Wellness, we offer therapy and counseling services to get you on the right path to healing. To learn more about how we can help you, start your healing journey now!

Sara Makin MSEd, LPC, NCC

All articles are written in conjunction with the Makin Wellness Research Team.

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