How to get your man back after you messed up
How To Get Your Man Back After You've Messed Up...
Maybe you've broken up, maybe you haven't. You goofed, and now you're on the outs. And if you want to know how to get your man back after you've messed up, you've come to the right place.
You CAN get him back...
Hey, we all mess up from time to time. It happens, and you wonder if you can ever recover.
After all, there are a ton of ways you might accidentally push a guy away, and then realize what you've done. You start the mad scramble to get him back into your life.
Well, today we're going to talk about some tips you can use to get your man back...
Get Him Back - TIP 1: Relax, don't do it...
Just like Frankie Goes To Hollywood says... just relax. And don't do it.
By "it" I mean: Don't panic and don't lose your cool.
The first rule of fight club... I mean, the first rule of breakup club is that you don't panic and don't react from your panic. That's one of the most common mistakes women make after they mess up is that they think they now have to scramble to fix it. In fact, most of the time you don't need to do much at all.
Did you mess up and say the wrong thing?
Just wait it out.
"The more you try to save face, the more insecure you often look..." - Carlos
Think about the people you've known who don't seem to care much about what other people think of them. They make huge blunders, but everyone loves them even more for it.
How do they do it?
They simply don't look like they care one bit. They shrug it off and keep plowing forward.
Learn a thing or two from their approach and just let it go and move on.
TIP 2: Give him the Astronaut Treatment...
The "astronaut" treatment is when you give him SPACE - and plenty of it!
I'm not just trying to be cheeky here.
When you give a man space, you're showing trust in him and your relationship. When you bulldoze right back in trying to "fix" everything, you'll usually just make things worse.
Oops! Did it again?
A guy will look at you and decide in seconds whether or not you're needy based on how quickly you backpedal and try to save face. For some guys, they immediately sort you into the bin labeled "side girlfriend." As in, NOT his primary girlfriend.
Men respect women who stick to their guns, or at least don't run around in fear of loss. Give him space to decompress from his own emotional state, and time for him to get back to missing you.
Ultimately, that's the goal for your man - to get him to the point where he misses you when he's not with you.
Chances are your mistake wasn't all that bad. And just as likely is that he doesn't even remember what happened all that well.
In the absence of a clear memory of the situation, he'll probably just forgive you and move on - in his own time.
So give him space to relax in.
When he feels that you're going to rush right in to always try and fix things, you're training him to be passive in your relationship.
TIP 3: Titrate...!
One of the things that guys run away from is a huge display of emotion that he wasn't prepared for. You may have had this happen to you, in fact.
Men are very easily FLOODED by emotions.
Want to get your man back...?
Emotional flooding is what happens when the amount of emotional interaction (usually conversation) is more than he can contend with. He feels a giant wave of emotion (usually any emotion that is not joy or happiness) and he either loses his cool, or shuts down completely.
Women experience this emotional flooding too when they feel a whirlpool of emotion suddenly suck them into feelings they weren't prepared for.
The answer to this - for you, anyway - is to titrate your emotional output so that you don't blow him away.
"Titrating" simply means to measure and balance things for the two of you.
Nothing scares men more than huge WAVES of emotion. Use your awareness of the situation to make an accurate judgement about how much emotion you use with him.
Slowly tell him you miss him... don't hit him with it all like a tidal wave or you'll risk him running away.
TIP 4: Don't Jump Into Bed...
You're going to be tempted to jump right into bed with him the first time he makes an advance. Even if you haven't talked about what happened between you.
This is dangerous, and you want to avoid this pattern of jumping into the sack to solve the distance you feel between you.
Get him to come back to you...
There are a lot of reasons for this...
- CONFUSION: If you setup a pattern of getting physically intimate before you get back to emotionally intimate, you're going to confuse him - and your relationship! When a guy hasn't had a chance to sort through the emotional component of your relationship, he's going to have unfinished business in his head.
.. - PATTERNS: If you go to physical intimacy first, he's going to learn that pattern from you and assume that it will continue throughout your relationship. Let's be real here, it won't. There will come a day when it will become easier for you to turn him down than turn him up - if you know what I mean...
- PASSIVE: Just like I mentioned above, if he gets too used to bypassing the conversations and jumping to the physical part, he'll assume everything is okay between you. He'll also assume that jumping in bed is how you'll resolve issues in the future. And that's likely to make him passive...
TIP 5: Don't be Negative...
You may see a lot of advice out there saying that you should "Be positive!"
Or just "Think happy thoughts!"
Messed up? You can fix it.
Look, I don't think you should delude yourself, either. Thinking positive just because it's supposed to be good - even when you're feeling pretty negative - is going to mess with your head.
If you tell yourself one thing when your emotions don't believe it, you're basically getting setup for years of therapy.
Instead, simply avoid the catastrophic thinking that most women indulge in when there is a rift between her and her man. You don't need to go right down Negative Street.
Your inner "mean girl" voice already second guesses you all day long. Don't give her ammunition!
Think You've Messed Things Up? - TIP 6: Go ahead - BE a baby...
It's not often you'll hear this advice from me, but this is one situation where you need to employ some "baby strategies."
One of the first things a baby learns is how to self-soothe. It's a process that is gradual, but necessary in child development. It's the first skill we learn - or don't learn - to help us in life later on.
A baby has to be able to settle itself down after something upsetting happens. Maybe it's a late feeding, or a wet diaper. Either way, the baby has to learn to calm itself down.
You need a plan to win him back...
The same is true for us as adults. That same self-soothing skill we learned (or perhaps didn't learn) as a baby becomes essential when we get upset later on in our relationships.
So you might need to take some time to soothe yourself and calm your emotions down. If you walk around in a highly upset state, your hormonal balance will be off, and you'll find yourself extremely fragile.
Take the time to find your soothing.
Maybe it's a good inspirational book. Maybe it's a hot bath... or getting your nails done...
Find your soothing and use it.
TIP 7: Get back to the playground as soon as you can...
There are a couple things that are likely to happen when you do get back with him after having messed up:
- He might be a little mean and punishing. Of course, he's going to be a little mad at you if you did mess up - and he'll want to express it.
You might have apologized, but you also have to make room for his emotional expression about what happened... - He might not forgive you right away. This goes hand-in-hand with the previous one. You're going to have to be patient while he tries to get back to loving you...
- Feeling guilty might make you defensive. Sure, you're going to be in the doghouse for a bit. And it's easy to think - after just a few hours - "Why aren't things back to normal yet?" Again - PATIENCE! If you get into a cycle of apologizing, but then trying to explain and justify what you did, and then doing it all over again - he's not going to take your apology seriously.
The goal is to get back to the "playground." Get back to the place in your relationship where things were fun and happy and loving. So keep aiming in that direction.
If he gets a little down on you about what happened, you shrug it off and plan something fun for the two of you to help get things back on track.
He's back! Get things on track...
The point is to NOT let things get negative in your relationship. Don't rehash old problems and patterns. Do your best to stay out of the muck of old cycles so that you can get back to the place where your relationship is fresh and fun again.
And the best way to do that is to understand how to CONNECT with him in a way that no other woman can.
Connection with a guy is the most important ingredient to get him to commit to you. Ask any woman what her biggest concern is with her relationship and she'll tell you it's about the quality of her CONNECTION with HIM.
If you'd like to learn more about how to unlock a man's connection code - so that you can have him loving and adoring you the way you want - go watch this short video presentation...
Discover His Connection Code
For another article like this:
How To Get Him Back - 7 Steps
Updated 05/2021
Table of Contents
How to get him back: 13 no bullsh*t steps
The heart wants what the heart wants.
And rightly or wrong, your heart wants him back.
When you’re feeling heartbroken, it can be hard to see how you can get him back, but trust us, it happens all the time.
Couples fall apart and come back together every single day. It just takes work.
If you are willing to do the work, you can have your relationship back, stronger and happier than ever.
Here’s how to get your ex-boyfriend back and move forward together.
1) Remember that time is your friend
The first thing you need to do after you break up with him is to cut off ties with him.
This sounds extreme but the truth is that if you want him to think about you, you need to make sure he has limited access to you.
Blocking him on social media, ignoring his phone calls, and avoiding the places you know he goes are all ways to get him thinking about you on the regular, even though he can’t see you.
While you might be inclined to start living your best life out online so he can see you and be thinking about you, the truth is that absence makes the heart grow fonder so if he can’t get access to you, he’ll be looking for you.
Before you jump into anything new or even try to get him back, remember to take some time to grieve and make meaning of the situation for yourself.
Decide what you want. It’s easy to get caught up in the drama of a breakup, but you don’t have to make any decisions right now.
Allow time to do what it does best: heal all wounds.
In order to get him back, you need to be healed from the breakup and ready to start a new direction for this relationship.
If you are expecting to just pick up where you left off, you’ll be disappointed.
The truth is that there are no rules on how long it might take you to get him back.
You need to heal yourself before working to bring him back. This is going to hugely strengthen your position and help you take control.
2) Get control of the situation
The next thing you need to do is get very clear on what you need from him and keep that handy for when he does come back to you.
You don’t want to seem desperate when you finally pick up the phone, so you need to get a grip on your thoughts and feelings.
Make sure you don’t see him before you can control your outbursts of crying or sobbing.
It’s okay to miss your ex, cry and sob, but not in front of him while you are trying to get him to see the error of his ways.
It’s best to let him think you aren’t fazed by any of this. It’ll drive him crazy.
3) Pull on his heartstrings
The question is, “How can you deal with someone losing feelings for you?”.
The problem isn’t that he doesn’t love you — your past relationship has shown how strong his feelings can be.
The real problem is that he’s closed his mind to the possibility. He’s already decided not to give you a chance. That’s the emotional wall you need to climb over.
The simple truth is that emotions run the show when it comes to his decision-making — and this is actually your best shot at winning him back.
Here’s how.
Scientists have recently made an interesting discovery about humans. When relaxed, 80% of the time our mind is imagining the future.
We spend a little bit of time contemplating the past and focusing on the present — but most of the time we’re actually thinking about the future.
According to relationship expert James Bauer, the key to getting back with your ex-boyfriend is changing what he feels when he pictures you in his life again.
Forget about convincing him to give things another try. Logical reasoning with him won’t work because you’ll just reinforce the painful emotions that drove him away from you in the first place.
When someone tries to convince you of something, it’s human nature to always come up with a counterargument.
Focus instead on changing the way he feels.
To do this, you need to change the emotions he associates with you so that he can picture a whole new relationship with you.
In his excellent short video, James Bauer gives you a step-by-step method for changing the way your ex feels about you.
He reveals the texts you can send and things you can say that will trigger something deep inside him.
He talks you through the biggest emotional reasons why men pull away in the first place, so you know what it is you need to fix.
The idea is simple: silently and subtly pull on his heartstrings (without him even realizing it) so that he becomes emotionally addicted to you again.
You can watch his excellent free video here.
Because once you paint a new picture of what your life together could be like, his emotional walls won’t stand a chance.
Here’s that link again.
4) Don’t beg
Could it be that he doesn’t want a relationship with you anymore?
During the time you are taking for yourself, be sure you don’t seek him out and beg for him to come back. Sounds silly, but people do it.
Desperation is about as unsexy as it gets.
Don’t be so needy that you can’t do anything without him. That might have been part of the reason he left in the first place.
Giving yourself (and him) some space means that you don’t throw yourself at him.
It’s just bad for everyone and you’ll regret it later if he only comes back because you wouldn’t stop asking him to.
That’s not how you get him to realize he needs to come back, which is what you want. You don’t have to ask for anything. He’ll come around to the idea on his own.
5) Don’t bother with him
How do you get him to come around to the idea on his own? You don’t bother with him.
Cut off his contact with you on social media, email, text and don’t answer his phone calls. It sounds extreme, and it is.
You need him to be forced to think about you without seeing you or hearing from you. That’s the best kind of thinking.
This means he is wondering about you and wanting to know what is going on with you.
If he can’t see you, he’ll want to, especially if he had it in his head that you were going to come knocking after him.
6) Work on yourself
While you keep him at bay and get a grip on your emotions, be sure to take care of yourself and figure out your next moves.
This could go on for a while, so there’s no need to let all that time go to waste wallowing over a guy.
Get out and have fun, hang out with friends, clean your apartment, take a road trip, buy yourself something nice.
Do things that make you feel good. Get back into projects you were putting off. Throw yourself into your work.
Whatever you do, don’t just sit around feeling sorry for yourself. That won’t turn the guy on.
If you need help processing your emotions and feelings, you can reach out to your closest friends, family, or even a professional.
Personally, I spoke to a coach at Relationship Hero when I was at a low ebb in my relationship – this is a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated love situations.
It helped me clarify where I went wrong in the relationship and what I could do to improve myself for next time.
What I really love about Relationship Hero is that, unlike therapists who just provide a sympathetic ear, their relationship coaches actually offer you practical advice.
So if you have a particular goal in mind (like getting back your ex) they’ll strategize with you.
That could involve anything from coming up with a tailor-made plan of action based on your unique circumstances. All the way down to crafting the perfect text message to send to him.
If you’re interested, check out Relationship Hero here.
The bottom line is this:
Becoming a better version of yourself will make you feel better and be more attractive to your ex; it’s a win-win for you.
7) Don’t act desperate
If you do happen to run into him when you are out living your best life, don’t act like you care. Don’t act desperate.
Don’t ask him questions and keep it short. Say hello, don’t break into a song about how you broke up, and move on.
Then get out of there as fast as possible. He doesn’t need to see you, especially after you run into him unexpectedly.
Make him want more. If he’s with friends, talk to his friends. Don’t give him the time of day.
He’ll get plenty of your time when he comes back.
How do you heal a broken heart? Let me share with you these essential steps to help you move on.
8) Check all the boxes
Getting your ex back is a journey. Along the way, pay attention to the signs that your ex is warming up to you.
While you are working on yourself and your life, you’ll have lots of opportunities to pick up the phone and call him, but before you do that, and before you answer his calls, there are a few more things you should be mindful of in order to successfully get him to come back.
- Make sure you haven’t talked to him in a full month.
- Make sure you’ve gone on at least one date – even if it’s not really something you want to do, do it anyway.
- Make sure you’ve put energy into improving yourself and figuring out your own life without him.
- Make sure you believe you’ll be okay even if he doesn’t come back. Make sure you are feeling good about yourself.
When you can say that you’ve done all these things, you are ready to start taking his phone calls or answering his text messages.
9) Text him
Okay, I’ve already told you to give him space and have limited contact with him.
However, there comes a time when you can start chatting with him again. And the best way to do this is through text.
In fact, one of the easiest ways you can win your ex-boyfriend back is by simply sending him the right text messages.
Yes, it’s entirely possible to effectively “text your ex back”. Even if you thought that it was impossible to ever rekindle any sort of romance with him.
There are literally dozens of text messages you can send your guy that will compel him to keep texting you. And ultimately lead you guys back together.
10) Ease back into it
After a while, when you feel strong enough to handle yourself in his presence, start slow.
There’s no need to jump back into what once was, mostly because it’ll never be that way again. That relationship has passed.
You are not just continuing on with your relationship, you are starting a new one.
You are different people now and need to relearn to be together.
If you decide that you want him back, ask him to go out for a drink or dinner. Take your time to rekindle. Don’t just have him move back in.
11) Identify what went wrong and change it
You know what they say: “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”
That means if you are going to make another go of it, you don’t want to make the same mistakes twice.
Avoiding that relies on taking a long hard honest look at the relationship stumbling blocks that got you here.
As Tiny Fey explains in her book ‘How to Get Your Ex Back’ you’re going to get loads of clarity from understanding exactly why you split in the first place:
“It’s essential you unpick what happened before you consider trying to patch things up. So, I want to ask you: do you really know why your relationship broke down? Take out a journal and note down the issues and behavioral patterns that showed up in your relationship – not just at the end of your relationship, but throughout the time you were together.
This is uncomfortable, but it’s necessary if you want to move forward and to genuinely make a go of the relationship again.”
Armed with these realizations you need to be confident that the problems you have are something you can resolve together.
Don’t be tempted to sweep issues under the rug. They’ll only appear again eventually.
12) Make a plan for the future together
If he comes back, don’t just let things slide. The point of breaking up is to shake things up and make you both realize that you want more.
So be more for each other. Talk about what this new version of your relationship looks like. Don’t settle. That’s important for both of you.
Don’t just come back together because you worry that there isn’t someone else out there for you.
If you want this relationship to work, you need to make a plan for the future together and you both have to be invested in making it work.
That’s not easy for some people and even if he comes back initially, it might not last.
Consider how serious you are about this relationship and what kind of work you are both willing to invest in it.
If it looks like you both want the same things, go for it. If not, at least you’ll know you can move on without regret.
But if you’ve followed the steps and built yourself up again, by this time, you’ll be so far removed from him that you might not even want to get back together.
Which brings us to the next point.
13) Decide if you want him back
You might think he’s holding all the cards, but the truth is that you get to decide what happens in your life. You don’t need to wait on this guy to make a move.
If you want him back, go get him. If not, let him down gently when he comes crawling back.
After a few weeks apart and no contact, he’s going to have lots to talk about, but you don’t have to hear any of it.
You get to decide. If you want him back, great, move forward together and live happily ever after. If you aren’t sure now, take the time you need to decide.
He doesn’t get to decide for you. You might be enjoying this new free lifestyle more than you thought you would.
It’s hard but you can get over your ex.
Above all else, remember that you have options and you are in control of your own destiny.
FREE eBook: 4 Steps to Starting Over With An Ex
Do you want to get back with your ex?
Then you need to check out our FREE eBook, The Ex Back Handbook.
We have one goal in mind with this book: to help you win back an ex (for good!).
If you want a foolproof plan to reverse your break up, you’re going to love this guide.
Check it out here.
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How to get a man back after a breakup, instructions for use.
It is very painful to realize that the person you love no longer wants to be with you. I want to bury myself in a pillow and cry bitterly, clutching his once forgotten shirt.
The feeling of loss and emptiness corrodes from the inside, and the desire to call or write to him is so strong that you have to make a lot of efforts not to do it. But, you don't have to give up. Love is always worth fighting for. Therefore, we stop shedding tears and develop a plan on how to return our man after parting, and the advice of a psychologist will help us with this.
How to get a man back after a quarrel
All couples quarrel, but in most cases conflicts end in reconciliation, and sometimes violent sex.
But, unfortunately, sometimes quarrels go so far that the couple decides to leave. Such a development of events is possible in two cases:
- Both partners got excited, and the parting happened, so to speak, in a state of “passion”.
- The quarrel was the last straw in a huge series of relationship problems.
How to get your loved one back after parting in the first case? Everything is simple here. You just need to ask your pride to subside for a while, and take a moment to take the first step towards reconciliation. A loving guy will definitely go forward. After that, you can return your pride to its original place and demand compensation from your loved one for moral damage.
The first to meet halfway in such a situation is not at all humiliation, but wisdom. After all, an accidental separation may well develop into a real one, if you do not make peace as soon as possible.
As long as each of their partners will “sulk” at the other and feel sorry for themselves, there will be other reasons for quarrels.
Friends or relatives will definitely add fuel to the fire, who, agreeing “how bad he is”, will set you up against each other even more. And so, like a snowball, negativity will accumulate, and after a while a small banal quarrel will become a real reason for parting.
How to return a beloved man after parting in the second case? Psychology does not give an unambiguous answer to this question. Restoring relationships in such a situation is much more difficult. Everything depends on the events preceding this quarrel.
The probability of whether it is possible to return a beloved husband or boyfriend depends on what your relationship was like before the quarrel and how the man behaved. If a man was always interested in maintaining a relationship, took some action for this, was the first to reconcile after quarrels, which you have had a lot of recently, then most likely there will be difficulties in how to return a loved one, you will not have. The man still loves you and therefore, if you take the first step towards reconciliation, he will definitely take the second.
Another situation where a quarrel arose after a long lull. Up to this point, there has been calm in your relationship. No quarrels and clarification of relations - just indifference. In this case, the man most likely wanted to leave for a long time, but he had no reason to do so. Restoring relationships in such a situation will not be easy.
First of all, you will have to analyze your life together and take a closer look at yourself. Some wives do not even notice how they gradually turn into a circular chainsaw. They stop communicating with their spouse as a man or even as a person, constantly demanding something from him, and in case of fulfillment of the request, scolding him for unsatisfactory results. Nobody likes such treatment, and therefore, as soon as a reason appears, the man leaves.
How to win back a man's love: a step-by-step guide
So, the man left. What to do? First, you need to understand if you really want to return it.
Perhaps you are driven by wounded pride or a desire to take revenge on him. In this case, it is better to abandon the idea of returning the feelings of a man and try to start a new life. If you really love him, read on how to return the love of a guy.
Step 1. Pull yourself together, stop overeating sweets and start working on yourself
This step on the way to get your boyfriend back after a breakup is the most difficult one. But you need to understand that tears have not helped anyone yet, and therefore it is pointless to pour them. It’s also not worth eating grief with cookies - extra pounds have not decorated anyone yet. It is much more productive to sign up for a gym or sports group classes, and during training, think about what could be improved in your relationship.
Of course, it is very difficult to make a choice in favor of sports, giving up suffering and ice cream. But believe me, the best way to get a man back after a breakup is to become better than when you were together.
Moreover, to become better both physically and spiritually.
Step #2. Try to let him know about your renewal through your mutual friends or acquaintances
It is important that in the first time after parting, not to catch his eye. Perhaps, at first, separation from you will seem like happiness for a man. But, when the euphoria passes, he will understand that he misses you. It was at this moment that photographs should catch his eye, where his ex - rejuvenated and built - smiles nonchalantly, having fun with friends at some party.
He needs to see that you don't kill him, don't sob into your pillow at night, and don't post phrases about the sorrow of parting with your loved one on social networks. If a man realizes that he is far from the center of the Universe for you, he will want to become one. After that, he himself will seek meetings with you, and the problem of how to return an ex-boyfriend after a breakup will be resolved by itself.
Step #3.
Stir up interest and let yourself be conquered Even if the second point of the guide, how to get your ex back, was successful, it's too early to relax. Yes, now he himself is looking for a meeting and, perhaps, even offers to get together. But, be careful! If you immediately melt and agree to follow him to the ends of the world, a man can quickly be satisfied with his victory, and soon he will leave you again. Therefore, we do not lose vigilance and continue the operation "How to restore relations with a man."
The returned boy is an unstable creature. Therefore, the restoration of relations requires cunning and patience from a woman. It is necessary to show him that you will not give up without a fight, that you need to be conquered, otherwise, you will choose another, more worthy one instead of him. Every man is a hunter and conqueror at heart. If you constantly maintain interest, the man will be yours for the rest of your life, otherwise this will not happen.
Step #4. Do everything to save the relationship, including changing yourself if necessary
The operation "How to get back in touch with a guy" was successful. Now, the main thing is to maintain these relationships. In order not to have to part again, once again review your behavior in relationships. Become better for him and for yourself. Stop sawing it, let's have more freedom, arrange romantic evenings, buy beautiful lingerie. Become for him not just a girl, but also a friend. And then you will not have to return the guy again, because he himself will not want to leave you. Read more about how to build a relationship with a man in this article.
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