Coping with criticism

Dealing with Criticism | SkillsYouNeed

Dealing with criticism positively is an important life skill.

At some point in your life you will be criticised, perhaps in a professional way. Sometimes it will be difficult to accept – but that all depends on your reaction.

You can either use criticism in a positive way to improve, or in a negative way that can lower your self-esteem and cause stress, anger or even aggression.

To deal with criticism positively may require good self-esteem and some assertiveness skills, you may find our pages: Improving Self-Esteem and Assertiveness useful.

There are two types of criticism - constructive and destructive – learning to recognise the difference between the two can help you deal with any criticism you may receive.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving.

Dale Carnegie – How to Win Friends and Influence People

When challenged by another person, it is common to react in a negative manner. Consider how negative reactions make you look – and more importantly how they make you feel. The way in which you choose to handle criticism has a knock-on effect in various aspects of your life, therefore it is better to identify ways in which you can benefit from criticism and use it to your advantage to be a stronger and more able person.

Constructive and Destructive Criticism

The difference between constructive criticism and destructive criticism is the way in which comments are delivered.

Although both forms are challenging your ideas, character or ability, when someone is giving destructive criticism it can hurt your pride and have negative effects on your self-esteem and confidence. Destructive criticism is often just thoughtlessness by another person, but it can also be deliberately malicious and hurtful. Destructive criticism can, in some cases, lead to anger and/or aggression.

See our pages: What is Stress? | What is Anger? and Dealing with Aggression for more information.

Constructive criticism, on the other hand, is designed to point out your mistakes, but also show you where and how improvements can be made. Constructive criticism should be viewed as useful feedback that can help you improve yourself rather than put you down.

When criticism is constructive it is usually easier to accept, even if it still hurts a little. In either scenario always try to remember that you can use criticism to your advantage.

See our page: Giving and Receiving Feedback for more information.

A man who refuses to admit his mistakes can never be successful.

Proverbs 28:13

Some people are critical by nature and do not always realise that they are hurting the feelings of another person.

If you know a person who is critical of everything try not to take their comments too seriously, as this is just part of their character trait. If you do take negative comments to heart it can create resentment and anger towards the other person, which could damage the relationship.

Remember, people who criticise everything or make scathing remarks to be hurtful are the ones that need help – not you!

How you physically react to criticism will depend on the nature of the criticism, where you are and who the criticism is coming from.

The key thing to remember is that whatever the circumstance is, don´t respond in anger as this will cause a scene and create bad feelings – and possibly a bad image of you.

Try to remain calm and treat the other person with respect and understanding. This will help to defuse the situation and potentially stop it from getting out of hand. Show that you are the stronger person and try not to rise to the bait, do not use it as a reason to offer counter criticism. If you challenge the other person you may start an argument that is probably unnecessary.

If you find it difficult to cope with criticism you may find our page: Anger Management helpful.

If you do feel that you may lose self-control, or say or do something potentially damaging, walk away. If you are in a meeting at work, politely excuse yourself and leave the room until you have had time to gather yourself. Even though somebody´s negative remarks may hurt, it is more harmful for you to allow their criticism to be destructive to your confidence.

Taking the Positives Out of Criticism

We all make mistakes all the time, it is human nature. As we go through life we have plenty of opportunity to learn and improve ourselves. Therefore, no matter what kind of criticism is aimed at you, analyse it to find something you can learn from it. In material matters at work, school or social clubs for example, try to take criticism on board to help you improve. When somebody is attacking your character it is hard to accept, but that does not mean you should ignore it.

Also bear in mind that the criticism aimed at you may not make sense at the time. Generally speaking, there is usually some truth in criticism, even when it appears to be given out of spite and bitterness. It is often the case that a slight on your character is a fair reflection of how another person sees you at that point in time. Take a step back and try to see things from the other person’s point of view, perhaps ask a friend for their honest opinion – use criticism wisely and as a learning experience. See if it is possible to learn a little about how others perceive you, you may be able to use criticism to improve your interpersonal skills.

We all learn by making mistakes, and learning how to deal with criticism positively is one way that we can improve our interpersonal relationships with others.

7 Steps to Dealing with Criticism

Source: Roman Demkiv/Shutterstock

When it comes to criticism, it is surely better to give than to receive. No one enjoys being criticized, and we're bound to respond badly to it. We're all wired for defensiveness; it's a normal and almost universal response to criticism, but it's also the archenemy of intimacy and connection. Our personal power rests on our dialing it down.

Following these 7 steps can help you keep your response from escalating, and turn your relationships around, but each requires motivation, goodwill, and practice.

1. Recognize your defensiveness.

We listen defensively when we listen for what we don’t agree with. Under fire? Catch yourself when you see that you are focusing only on the inaccuracies, distortions, and exaggerations that will inevitably be there.

2. Breathe.

Defensiveness starts in the body. It makes us tense and on guard, unable to listen and take in new information. Take slow, deep breaths, and do what you can to calm yourself.

3. Listen only to understand.

Listen only to discover what you can agree with. Do not interrupt, argue, refute, or correct facts, or bring up your own criticisms and complaints. If your points are legitimate, that’s all the more reason to save them for a different time, when they can be a focus of the conversation and not a defense strategy.

3. Apologize for your part.

The ability to apologize indicates to the critical party that you’re capable of taking responsibility, not just evading it. It will also help shift the exchange out of combat mode and into collaboration. Save your thoughts about their part until later.

4. Let the critical or angry person know that you will continue to think about the conversation.

Even if nothing has been resolved, tell the other person that you take his or her thoughts and feelings seriously: “It’s not easy to hear what you’re telling me, but I want you to know that I’m going to give it a lot of thought.”

5. Don’t listen when you can’t.

It’s fine to tell the other person that you want to have the conversation and that you recognize its importance, but you can’t have it right now: “I’m too tired and preoccupied to really listen.” Offer a specific time to re-open the conversation, so that you can give it your best attention.

6. Speak your own truths.

You need to tell the critical person how you see things differently. It won’t help your relationship to get into the pattern of being an overly accommodating, peace-at-any-price type of individual who avoids conflict at any cost. Still, timing and tact are everything. It’s usually best to save your different point of view for a future conversation, when you’ll have a better chance of being heard. Remember that even the most difficult things can be said with kindness.

7. Draw the line at insults.

There may be a time to sit through an initial blast, but not if rudeness has become a pattern in your relationship, rather than an uncommon occurrence. Exit from rudeness, while offering the possibility of another conversation: “I want to hear what bothers you, but I need you to approach me with respect.”

In Why Won’t You Apologize?, I explain how wholehearted listening is at the heart of the good apology—and essential for repairing big betrayals and everyday hurts. Wholehearted listening is also at the heart of relationship success, at home and at work. We're generally more interested in sharpening our talking skills rather than our listening skills. But here’s what four decades of studying relationships has taught me: How we listen is the defining factor in how our relationships go, and whether the other person is happy to see us at the end of the day.

10 Ways to Deal with Judgment and Criticism

Know Yourself A Man among People

“If you want to avoid criticism, do nothing”

Criticism can be different – constructive and destructive, motivating and demotivating, supportive and shattering, tactful and toxic. It is important to understand that meetings with criticism are inevitable, because the views and opinions, perceptions and perceptions of people differ.

Sometimes the factor of like or dislike also matters. Therefore, it is important to come to an agreement with yourself and understand: even if you do something outstanding, very valuable, do it with talent, from the heart, there will still be someone who does not like it. The one who condemns, devalues and criticizes. This happens because some people tend to think that they know how to live, think, express or not express themselves.

Tolerance to criticism, the ability to perceive it, to cope with it, to distinguish between constructive and toxic criticism are very important life skills. At a time when one person perceives constructive comments, finds valuable points in them and uses them for his own good, the other will be offended and feel hurt.

If criticism can be constructive and destructive, then condemnation is often a sign of arrogance

A possible unpleasant side effect of such resentment is life passivity. This phenomenon was well described by the philosopher Elkin Hubbard: “If you want to avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing and be nobody.”

If criticism is destructive, if its goal is to humiliate, “destroy”, “break” a person, shake his self-confidence, manipulate, feel superior, it is important to be able to respond to it.

Everyone does it differently: someone goes into conflict, someone tries to defend himself, justify himself, someone ignores unpleasant words. It is extremely important to be able to defend your boundaries in order to put the criticizing person in his place.

How to deal with criticism: 10 life hacks

Learn to recognize whether criticism is constructive or destructive. Consider what her purpose was. The person wanted to help you (for example, sometimes criticism helps to improve the quality of your work, “product”, to work out weaknesses, contributes to your development) or had another goal (for example, to assert yourself, humiliate you, put you in an awkward position).
If you feel that criticism has been toxic, take it as a challenge. Think of the critic as teaching you, in a peculiar way, to stand up for yourself, stay true to yourself, and be resilient no matter what.
Develop the ability to respond to criticism. People often experience confusion when faced with it. They don’t know how to answer, that’s why they are so afraid of other people’s assessments. But for the right comments, you can thank the person. And if they are erroneous, unfair, answer specifically, clearly, do not try to justify or defend yourself.
Don't answer right away. Give yourself time to calm down and analyze.
Do not defend yourself when you are unfairly judged or criticized. This will only increase the attacks of the critic.
Give reasons. It is very important to have clear facts and arguments in order to adequately respond to criticism. Even if a person does this to help, it may turn out that some of his statements are useful, and some are not. Therefore, it is important to think about what to answer. Mark the points that have benefited you, give arguments against what does not suit you.
If you are afraid of criticism, it is useful to contact a psychologist to find the origins of this fear, deal with it and learn how not to let it negatively affect your life.
Treat criticisms of yourself as feedback . Sometimes criticism is inevitable, for example, when defending theses, at exams, when discussing projects. And sometimes feedback, like advice, is not asked, but there are those who want to give it, and it may be inappropriate. In this case, you have every right to fight back.
You can ask for feedback yourself, it should come from competent people whose opinion is important to you. Such criticism can be of great benefit to you.
Remember your strengths. It is important to remember them when you are criticized. Yes, we always have something to work on. But there is something that we have already achieved, in which we are good.

Criticism in social networks and the Internet

When publishing something on the Internet and social networks, you need to understand: your text, video or photo can cause different reactions. Someone will just look and move on, someone will support, someone will give an assessment and criticize.

It is important to learn to trust yourself and not let anyone force their opinion on you. If someone's point of view does not coincide with yours and is perceived by you as criticism, a worthy response may be: "Thank you for your opinion. " You can add that you have your own view of the situation.

Why give in to provocations and waste your energy?

Don't fool yourself: we can't please everyone. The boundless love of others is a utopia, which is better to refuse. When engaging in a dialogue with a toxic critic, it is important to know that sometimes he is just waiting for this in order to pour even more poison on you in response.

Remember that comments on your posts can be written by completely inadequate people, “trolls”. And polemics with them can harm your emotional state. Why succumb to provocations and waste your energy on them?

About the author

Svetlana Svyatetsky — psychologist, fairy tale therapist, member of the Eastern European Association for Existential Therapy. Her website.

Photo source: Getty Images

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Constructive, but hurtful. How to Deal with Criticism at Work

American Forbes author and career coach Melody Wilding shares tips on how to deal with situations when your project or idea is criticized and not appreciated

Nobody likes to hear criticism of their work. However, hypersensitivity to criticism can become a real burden that you will have to bear throughout your career.

Imagine that you received criticism of your presentation or learned that your boss didn't like your idea. There can be any number of similar situations, but it is important to understand one thing. Sometimes it can be difficult to draw a dividing line between the criticism itself and your own self-esteem.

Throughout your career, you will receive feedback in one form or another. The ability to deal with criticism is an important component of professional (and personal) growth. If you learn how to deal with criticism the right way, you can become more confident and gain skills that will help you build your career.

However, don't forget that criticism can easily make you feel very uncomfortable or even upset. Imagine that you have put all your energy into the creation of a project and are very proud of it. Of course, criticism of the work done can hurt you a lot.

Negative feedback often has a huge impact on sensitive people. Because they think things through very deeply, they end up taking such criticism personally. For them, criticism is a failure and evidence of insufficient training. When they receive negative feedback or stings in return, they tend to react violently.

Why some people are so sensitive to criticism

It is important to understand that sensitive people are very different from others. According to one study, approximately 15-20% of the population is genetically predisposed to having central nervous system hypersensitivity. This explains why certain events have a greater impact on them than on other people.

Research also shows that sensitive people have many more active mirror neurons. This means that they are inherently more receptive and attentive to their surroundings.

However, they spend much more time observing and evaluating other people's behavior. This wariness can lead them to think too much about external approval, as well as about the thoughts and opinions of other people. In addition, they may begin to interpret various situations in their own way and put the wrong meaning into them, which often negatively affects their emotional state.

Nevertheless, the inclination to deep understanding of what is happening is an incredible power. At least if you know how you can effectively use it to achieve your goals.

A simple exercise for dealing with criticism at work

When receiving negative feedback, it is important to draw a line between the criticism that is in it and the criticism that is directed specifically at you as a person.

It is also worth avoiding what the authors Sheila Heen and Douglas Stone call "untruth detection". In trying to find fault with the feedback we receive, we often go on the defensive and give free rein to emotions that only distract and drain us.

Also, when it comes to constructive criticism, you need to understand that it can be very valuable. We must not allow our emotions to blind us and prevent us from learning something new from our criticism.

There is one simple exercise that I give my clients during coaching sessions. It helps them divide the feedback they receive into useful information and what can be ignored. This exercise also helps them put aside the emotions that usually come over them when faced with criticism. With a few simple steps, they begin to think clearly and control their reactions to criticism.

Here's how it works:

Step 1. Take a sheet of paper and divide it into four columns.

It's better to put the computer aside and take a plain sheet of paper, because research shows that it is much easier to release emotions and resolve internal conflicts if you write by hand. This allows for a broader understanding of events and serves as a kind of break, since you are most likely typing something on the computer all day.

Step 2. Record your feedback as accurately as possible in the first column.

Write down what you were told word for word. Use exactly the same wording. Do not try to bring some new meaning to these words. Stay as objective as possible and focus solely on the facts.

Step 3. In the second column, list anything that is not true in the feedback you received.

This is your chance to give free rein to all your emotions: anger, frustration, self-doubt, and so on. Pay attention to inaccuracies, unspecified points and feedback errors. Don't hold yourself back.

Step 4. In the third column, list everything in the feedback you received that could actually be true.

This is where you start to reason. Start expanding your point of view. Consider what the other person was motivated to do when they gave this kind of feedback. Are there, for example, some useful tips in the criticism expressed against you that can help you in the future? Something new for you? Any new opportunity? What can you learn from the information shared with you? What can you remember for the future?

Step 5: In the fourth column, promise yourself to take action.

Describe your next steps. You may want to discuss the feedback you received to clear things up. You can also make the necessary adjustments to your project or simply let go of the situation so you can move on calmly.

Through this exercise, you will find a more balanced approach to responding to feedback so that you can continue to work in a constructive manner.

Do not forget that criticism is an integral part of life. Yes, after receiving negative feedback, you can get very upset. However, this will only happen if you allow yourself to do so. Once you learn how to deal with criticism one day, the next time you will be able to bounce back much faster and get back on your feet to continue your work, while remaining a professional in your field.

Translation by Polina Shenoeva

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