Feelings of vulnerability
Vulnerability: Definition & Tips - The Berkeley Well-Being Institute
Vulnerability: Definition & Tips (from Brene Brown & Others)By Arasteh Gatchpazian, M.A., Ph.D. Candidate Is being emotionally vulnerable the same thing as being weak? What exactly is vulnerability and can it help us in daily life? Keep reading to find out.
*This page may include affiliate links; that means we earn from qualifying purchases of products.
Are You a Therapist, Coach, or Wellness Entrepreneur? Grab Our Free eBook to Learn How toGrow Your Wellness Business Exponentially! ✓ Save hundreds of hours of time ✓ Earn more $ faster What Is Vulnerability? (A Definition)There are a lot of ways to define vulnerability. The term, ‘vulnerable’ means to be susceptible to emotional or physical harm. Another way to describe vulnerability could be “at-risk”. In the current article, you will be talking about emotional vulnerability, which is a large umbrella term that captures a few elements. What is emotional vulnerability? It is less about acknowledging hedonically pleasant emotions, such as love and joy, and more about unpleasant emotions, such as anger, shame, anxiety, loneliness, and others. This is because unpleasant emotions are often, but not always, uncomfortable to acknowledge and reflect upon. Acknowledging vulnerability Opposite of vulnerability Here are a few common forms of emotion regulation:
Many of these strategies aim to reduce the negative emotional experience, which is not what you want to strive for when being emotionally vulnerable. There is, however, one strategy that may be aligned with emotional vulnerability… Can you guess which one? If you guessed emotional acceptance then you are correct. Emotional acceptance and vulnerability Contrary to intuition, engaging with emotions via emotional acceptance does not exacerbate these emotions. In fact, emotional acceptance can meaningfully improve people’s emotional experiences over time (e.g., Ford et al., 2018). It is important to acknowledge our painful emotions sometimes, instead of trying to avoid them or reduce their impact. Vulnerability is also not the same thing as rumination -- you don’t want to be obsessed with your uncomfortable feelings. This can be just as harmful as avoiding them. Instead, try to meet yourself in the middle when it comes to emotional vulnerability. Now that you’ve read about what vulnerability is and isn’t, let’s get into what exactly it feels like. What Vulnerability Feels LikeThink back to a time where you felt vulnerable. What did this feel like? Were you anxious, scared, maybe a bit self-conscious? These are completely normal to feel when being vulnerable. In fact, it is part of the whole experience. If there was no threat of potentially experiencing emotional harm or pain, then you would not feel apprehensive or uncomfortable. Being vulnerable means that you’re taking the time to acknowledge difficult emotions instead of acting on them right away. Emotional vulnerability can be thought of as a two-step process.
Brene Brown Vulnerability Ted TalkVulnerability in RelationshipsNot only is it hard to acknowledge your emotions on a personal, private level, but it is even more of a challenge to do this with other people. Even if you can trust your friend or partner with simple things (e.g., being kind, on time, respectful), there is a deeper level of trust that is needed for a relationship to survive: emotional trust. This is built through being vulnerable with one another. If you cannot trust yourself or your partner to acknowledge and work through difficult emotions, there will be a lack of intimacy. So even though it may be hard to open up, the challenge is worth it to help the relationship grow stronger. The Benefits of Vulnerability1. It can ease your anxiety. 2. It can strengthen relationships. 3. It can help you become more self-aware. How to Be More Vulnerable1. Acknowledge your emotions by labeling them. 2. Journal. 3. Practice being assertive. 4. Seek professional help. Quotes About Vulnerability
Articles Related to VulnerabilityWant to learn more about topics related to vulnerability? Here are some more articles to read.
Books About Vulnerability (From Brene Brown)Want to keep learning about how to be more vulnerable? Here are some good books to check out:
Final Thoughts on VulnerabilityVulnerability can be a difficult thing to experience. Don't Forget to Grab Our Free eBook to Learn How toGrow Your Wellness Business Exponentially! References
| Are You a Therapist, Coach, or Wellness Entrepreneur? Grab Our Free eBook to Learn How to Grow Your Wellness Business Fast! Key Articles:
Content Packages:
|
For instance, when you feel sad, you may call a friend for emotional support and ask for advice. When you feel angry, you may blow off some steam through healthy (e.g., going for a run) or unhealthy (e.g., drinking) habits. When you feel anxious, you may remind yourself that it’s all in your head and try to look at the situation differently. 
, 2004)
It’s important to note, however, that it is not realistic to always do this. You would be emotionally exhausted if you reflected and pondered upon every single emotion and mood during the day. 
Nevertheless, vulnerability is incredibly important in relationships (e.g., friendships, romantic partners) as it can help build intimacy and trust. Relationships are built on trust and communication, which explains why emotional vulnerability brings people closer.
You begin to cultivate confidence in your ability to express difficult things, which can then help you feel equipped to express and acknowledge painful emotions. This, in turn, may help you become more emotionally vulnerable.
" — Frank Crane
Or we can deny our brokenness, foreswear compassion, and, as a result, deny our own humanity.” — Bryan Stevenson
But, it's important to do so as being vulnerable can help you grow and improve your relationships. Hopefully, this article offered some strategies that will help you manage the experience of being vulnerable with more ease.
..The Power of Being Yourself
Jump to section
What is vulnerability
4 types of vulnerability
5 benefits of vulnerability
Are you unable to make yourself vulnerable?
3 misconceptions about vulnerability
3 ways to be more vulnerable
What if you could harness the power of vulnerability to ask for what you need or express your emotions without fear of rejection?
Small actions — like sharing your feelings or celebrating your own achievements — may seem more daunting than it appears because of emotional vulnerability.
Sometimes, vulnerability can manifest itself in your body’s physical reactions. You may feel your muscles tense or that pit drop in your stomach. You may feel your breathe quicken when you openly share your thoughts, emotions, and needs.
You may feel your nervous system freeze, you may feel like you’re unable to speak. You retreat. And in some instances, it may feel like you’re losing a part of yourself.
Being vulnerable is scary. After all, it has the power to change your life.
To unpack vulnerability, you have to step into uncertainty and examine how it shows up in your relationships. Examining human vulnerability means you’re intentionally scanning how it shows up in your body or how it impacts your day-to-day actions. While your gut instinct may be to avoid it at all costs, it’s possible to build a quality, life-changing relationship with vulnerability. In the end, it could transform fear into belonging.
What is vulnerability?
I’d be remiss to talk about the definition of vulnerability without citing the work of Dr. Brené Brown, an author and research professor at the University of Houston. Brown has spent the past two decades studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy.
In her book, Daring Greatly, she defines vulnerability as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.
” Through her research she discovered two powerful yet opposing takeaways that she shares both in her book and in her TED talk on shame and vulnerability.
1. Vulnerability is at the core of shame, fear, and the struggle for worthiness.
2. Vulnerability is the birthplace of joy, creativity, and belonging.
To find joy, creativity, and belonging, Brené Brown argues that we must face what it means to be vulnerable: shame, fear, and the struggle for worthiness.
4 types of vulnerability
We live in a changed society from the world we knew before the pandemic. We live in a world that’s left all of us with some element of exposed vulnerability simply because of what we’ve collectively experienced. Whether it’s grief, loss, the impacts of a rapidly changing world of work, increased caregiving demands, or rising rates of burnout, the aftermath of the pandemic has arguably had an impact on everyone in our society.
Without warning, COVID-19 changed how we live and work, how we make decisions, and even how we nurture and grow relationships.
Not unlike what experience with cybersecurity and security vulnerability, we might feel our entire life is exposed.
But when we examine the definition of vulnerability under a microscope, we can make an assessment. Take a minute to identify what actions you can take to strengthen your mental fitness in the context of human vulnerability.
1. Vulnerability in your relationships.
As human beings, we all have wants and needs when it comes to relationships. But you may be fearful of expressing those emotions openly and risking certain social factors like rejection, abandonment, or judgment.
Try this. A vulnerable and effective way to ask for what you want is to use open-ended questions. As you practice asking for what you want, there’s a strong chance you’ll discover that it’s worth the risk.
2. Being vulnerable in your mind and body.
Sometimes, recognizing where genuine vulnerability shows up in your mind and body requires your full, undivided attention on yourself, both mentally and physically.
When was the last time you checked in with yourself?
Try this. Ask yourself questions when you notice you’re feeling vulnerable.
How did you sleep last night? When was the last time you ate? When did you last drink water? How did that interaction with a colleague impact you? How are you feeling about your work? How are you feeling emotionally right now? As you become more aware of your thoughts and your physical self, you have the opportunity to gain a sense of well-being.
3. Vulnerability in the workplace.
How you do what you do often leaves you feeling vulnerable. Whether you’re comparing yourself to another colleague, doubting your efforts on a project, or struggling with imposter syndrome, examples of vulnerability in organizations are everywhere. As organizational psychologist Adam Grant suggests, “uncertainty primes us to ask questions and absorb new ideas.”
Try this. Consider reflecting at the end of your work day. Remind yourself that self-doubt is okay — it actually might ground you.
Remind yourself there’s more to learn. Remind yourself that you have the power to accept who you are. You might even want to practice affirmation statements, like "I am strong. I am smart. I am capable." You can try using new words or language in your affirmation statements. Before long, these affirmations might become part of your new operating system and become a built habit.
4. Being vulnerable in your community
The impact of COVID-19 is present in so many ways in our society. You may feel overwhelmed by the number of decisions you need to make to stay safe in your own community coupled with things like social anxiety.
Try this. You have the power to vocalize boundaries. Make decisions that are best for you and your family, and remove yourself from a situation if you don’t feel safe. You have the power to remove fear from your life by voicing and executing on your needs. Try to accept that the uncertainty around the unknown might be okay, even empowering. By vocalizing boundaries, you may even gain more visibility into your own priorities.
5 benefits of vulnerability
While exposing where you feel insecure can seem a bit like opening up the door to a human malware attack, vulnerability lends itself to more benefits than failure. If you’re deciding to move from the fear of vulnerability to unleashing its power to be your true self, you will reap the benefits.
1. Vulnerability strengthens relationships
Have you noticed why some of your relationships are stronger than others? Many of the strongest relationships come from embracing genuine vulnerability, whether it’s showing empathy, sharing information with someone you trust, or simply expressing needs and wants openly without judgment.
2. Vulnerability can help us grow and learn
Buddhist author Pema Chodron, who wrote Living with Vulnerability, shares that vulnerability is part of the human experience. She notes that vulnerability is “the category of things that, if we move toward them, have so much to teach us. Having a relationship with vulnerability, with things falling apart, is a life changer.
” Instead of being a problem, vulnerability can be a solution.
3. Vulnerability expands gratitude
The word ‘gratitude’ resonates through Dr. Brené Brown’s work on vulnerability. In her work, Brené Brown focuses on people she describes as wholehearted. These are people who love with their whole hearts, without conditions. She finds as we fully embrace the meaning of vulnerability, we are filled with a growing sense of gratitude and joy.
4. Being vulnerable improves self-awareness
When you work to let go of your assumptions and biases, you begin the process of accepting uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. That moment when you admit you don’t know everything opens up a path for you to continue to explore, grow, and learn.
5. Vulnerability affirms you are enough
Brené Brown is clear: “to connect, we have to allow ourselves to be seen.” When we choose to be vulnerable, we recognize that we are enough. It’s what we bring to the table, how we demonstrate kindness, and how we interact with people in our lives.
We begin to understand that what we offer is exactly what is needed at this moment.
Are you unable to make yourself vulnerable?
Even when you decide you want to embrace more uncertainty, risk, or exposure in your life, there are certain triggers that may halt this process. And the result? Misery.
You’ll find yourself avoiding vulnerability when:
1. You want to be perfect
Perfectionism can be your own worst enemy. The last thing you want is to say or do something that might be misconstrued, so you say nothing. If you don’t have it all figured out, you’ll sit this one out.
2. You don’t ask for what you need
There are different examples that come to mind, whether it's within your organization or in your personal life. You know that you deserve that promotion. You want more intimacy in your relationship. But what if you don’t get what you ask for? You’re silent.
3. You keep people at arm’s length
You’ve been hurt before, so you are not going to dive in and get hurt again.
You stay busy at work, or home, or school — anything to keep you safe.
4. You don’t share — frustrations or success
You believe if you express frustration you’ll be labeled petty. If you share a success you’re arrogant. So, no matter what happens, you keep it to yourself.
3 misconceptions about vulnerability
There might be a number of reasons why you may avoid vulnerability. In Daring Greatly, author Brené Brown Brown breaks down three misconceptions that play a role in that avoidance.
1. Being vulnerable is a sign of weakness
Because it’s so easy to attach human vulnerability to shame or fear, you may forget about the benefits, like of belonging, courage, and joy. What would happen if you looked at the full picture and took the journey from fear to courage? That’s where you’ll find strength.
2. I don’t share my dirty laundry
You believe that to be vulnerable, you have to share everything with everyone. On the contrary, it’s critical to know and feel safe when you do choose to open up.
The purpose of your vulnerability is to deepen relationships by sharing emotions in thoughtful and intentional ways.
3. I’m a lone wolf
When you think you’re the only one who can solve your problems, you often end up isolated and alone. Asking for help actually changes how the people in your life will respond to you — most often, the people in your life will support and empower you.
3 ways to be more vulnerable
So how might you accept vulnerability as part of your life while knowing it takes embracing the scary parts to unleash your whole self?
1. Acknowledge your emotions
When an emotion courses through, observe it without judgment. Are you sad or angry or ecstatic? Allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling. Then decide how you’re going to express, share, or address the emotion. As you agree to take the risk to be vulnerable, you begin to experience what’s on the other side: courage and joy.
2. Live with integrity
What do you value most in your life? When you live out the values that mean the most to you — like courage, forgiveness, growth or kindness — your whole self aligns.
As you lean into your values, you’ll be able to embrace vulnerability and expand your sense of belonging.
3. Practice
Are you ready to step into this space of uncertainty, risk, and exposure? Like almost everything in life, it starts with practice. Let’s say you’re taking on more responsibility at work and deserve a promotion or additional resources. Leap in and make the pitch to your manager. Perhaps you feel hurt by others but have kept your feelings bottled up inside. Try sharing your emotions openly and see what opens. With practice, your confidence and security grows.
Take the plunge
Vulnerability is a life changer.
Harnessing the power of vulnerability allows you to say what you want, ask for what you need, express your emotions, and celebrate your achievements. Every time you do, you give yourself permission to do it again. Every time you do, you expand that sense of confidence, security, belonging, joy, and growth. With each practice of vulnerability, you’re becoming your true and whole self.
Soon, you'll see vulnerability as a strength, not a weakness.
You have the power to change your life, one step at a time.
Vulnerability is the key to a happy relationship
This is a column by Mark Manson, author of the best-selling The Subtle Art of Giving a Fuck, Everything Fucks, and Man Rules. The original text can be read here , it is also included in Manson's latest book.
To get started, read the list below and note which statements apply to you:
- You constantly talk about boring topics because they are safe and you have no chance of offending anyone;
- You are stuck in a job or lifestyle that you don't like because you don't want to upset others;
- Dressing too well makes you feel uncomfortable;
- The smiles of strangers frighten you;
- The idea of asking someone out on a date openly scares you because of the possible rejection.
These are all symptoms of a larger problem: the inability to afford to be vulnerable.
We have not been taught how to live or express emotions properly. For whatever reason - the situation at home, childhood trauma, parents who never expressed their emotions - we grew up with a deeply ingrained habit of keeping ourselves in hand.
"Do not argue. Don't be unique. Don't do anything 'crazy' or 'stupid' or 'selfish'."
I was the same. All my youth I was afraid that no one would love me. The mere thought of someone hating me, a girl or a boy, literally kept me awake at night. As a result, every aspect of my life revolved around meeting the needs of others, hiding my mistakes and shortcomings, and shifting blame. But all this can be changed by becoming vulnerable.
What is vulnerability
Many people, and especially those who have spent most of their lives suppressing emotions, do not understand what it means to be vulnerable or vulnerable. Many behaviors that masquerade as vulnerability are actually manipulative.
"Vulnerability is the conscious choice NOT to hide your emotions or desires from others.
"
That's it. You simply freely express your thoughts, feelings, desires and opinions, regardless of what others may think of you. This is risky and often has real consequences. But the key to true vulnerability is that you are willing to accept the consequences no matter what. You offend someone, refuse someone, you can lose a friend, client or partner. But this is the road to real human relationships.
A few examples of genuine vulnerability:
1. You admit that you suck at something
If someone is clearly bad at something, be it golf or business negotiation, there is nothing more disgusting than when they show off how good he is at it. On the other hand, if someone admits they suck, you will likely respect them more.
If you are a terrible flirt, tell a friend about it and ask for their advice. If you can't build relationships with people at work, tell your colleagues about it and maybe they will have some advice for you.
2.
You take responsibility and don't blame others for your mistakes We all know people who blame others for their problems. A man who blames his lying ex for every failed relationship. A colleague who is constantly screwing up and blaming everything on the economy, the atmosphere in the office, anything but his own incompetence. A woman who blames men for all her problems, because they are all goats.
"If you take responsibility for your problems, you control them."
And if you reset, then you transfer control over the situation to everyone around and, spoiler, you cannot control everyone around. You may not be to blame for this or that situation, but if you are able to take responsibility for solving it, this is a serious step. And a great example of vulnerability, because you say "I have a problem. I'm not perfect, but that's okay. I can handle it."
3. You talk when you are hurt
It may seem easier than putting the wrongdoer in his place, but in reality, few people do this.
Many try to build up their skin-armor and only smile in response to injections.
Telling people that they are hurting you is making yourself vulnerable. You show your feelings to another person, reveal your vulnerability. It's risky and can escalate into conflict, but your boundaries are worth defending.
4. You tell people you love, respect and appreciate about it
This is the purest form of vulnerability, and it can hit you the hardest. You tell people that they are beautiful; to your friends — that you value them as individuals; express love and support to your parents and confess eternal love to someone. All this makes you vulnerable, because you do not know how the interlocutor feels. Your feelings may not match, this can lead to an imbalance in the relationship, and this can lead to a quarrel and so on.
Mark Manson. Photo: The Town Hall
But before you start confessing your love to everyone around you, we need to discuss the fine line between vulnerability and emotional psychopathy.
What is not a vulnerability
Usually a vulnerability is confused with one of two things:
- It is used as a tactic to get people to love you, give you money, sleep with you.
- She is passed off as emotional vomiting.
Let's figure it out:
Vulnerability is not a tactic
People think, “Oh cool, Mark says I just need to say something I don’t normally say to people and then they’ll like me/I’ll get a raise/I’ll be slept with/ they want children from me, etc.” No.
If you tell someone about how you felt when your dog died, or about your strained relationship with your father, but you do all this so that you will be loved even more, this is not vulnerability. This is manipulation.
Not only do you continue to be fake, but you dig up your most cherished memories of life to try and please someone. Congratulations. You are officially desperate.
The most interesting thing is in your mail.
We send a digest of the best articles every two weeks.
By completing this form, I confirm that that I have read the Rules of the site, and I consent to the processing personal data.
reCAPTCHA is used in accordance with the Google Policies and Terms of Use.
Thank you for subscribing!
The real vulnerability is not what you do, but why you do it. It is the intention behind your behavior that makes it vulnerable. Are you joking because you think it's funny (that's vulnerability), or because you want other people to laugh and think you're funny (that's manipulation)?
"The purpose of real vulnerability is not to appear more vulnerable, but to express yourself as sincerely as possible."
Emotional vomiting and vulnerability
Emotional vomiting is a situation in which you suddenly unload a huge amount of emotions and personal stories into a conversation, usually to the utter horror of the listener.
In essence, you are open and sincere about how much you need approval. And need will never be attractive.
“The mistake people make is that they expect the act of emotional vomiting to solve all their problems. But its essence is for you to find out about your problems and be able to solve them.
As long as I kept talking about how stupid my ex was, my anger did nothing to solve my problems. I noticed how evil and disgusting I became without even suspecting it. Around the same time, I got into therapy. This helped me understand that my anger was actually deeper and related to problems in my family.
Strength in vulnerability
If you've followed the story, you already know that true vulnerability is a form of power—a deep and subtle form of power. This is the opposite law in action: in order to become stronger and more resilient, you must first expose your flaws and weaknesses for the world to see. By doing so, you will deprive the world of power over you and it will allow you to live with greater honesty and clear intentions.
Acceptance of your emotions, mistakes, transition to complete openness and vulnerability - this cannot be achieved in one evening. It is a process and sometimes a very difficult process.
But I can give you hope: if you start doing this - you talk about difficult topics, express your opinion even when it's risky, accept yourself and refuse to be anyone else - you will reach a completely different depth in relationships. In every way.
What distinguishes people who are not afraid to be vulnerable
20,262
Know yourselfLonelinessMan among people
Voluntary insecurity differs from forced vulnerability, which does not depend on the will of the person himself. She gives confidence. Deciding to be vulnerable means being willing to show the world who you really are and take risks without being sure of the outcome.
“In our culture, insecurity is considered shameful, a weakness to be avoided or compensated for with aggressive responses,” explains psychotherapist Robert Stolorow.
Research shows that this kind of openness promotes career growth and helps you connect with others.
The ability to be open and not be ashamed of it is a good quality
It is not so difficult to learn emotional openness. For people who are not afraid to be insecure, several features are characteristic. So, these people:
1. Constantly trying new things
“Probably the most important characteristic of open people is their willingness to try new things without knowing the outcome,” says Stolorow. It can be about something insignificant (sign up for vocal lessons, decide to invite someone on a date), or about big decisions - for example, move to another city.
Often, as a result, they are happier than they were. New experiences and experiences have a stronger effect on the level of happiness than the possession of material values.
2. Do not avoid negative emotions
Anxiety in the face of the unknown or fear of being rejected is normal: who is not afraid that they will refuse in response to a marriage proposal or a request for a salary increase?
However, open people do not avoid these situations, although they do not give them much pleasure.
“Courage in the face of life's difficulties does not mean that a person is not afraid, he does not run away from situations in which he finds himself insecure,” notes Stolorow.
3. Recognize that there are "black stripes" in life
Open people do not try to escape from emotions, they recognize that there are both "white" and "black" stripes in life. “We are all mortal and subject to various misfortunes. Suffering, injury, illness, death, loss, unhappy love - these threats constantly hang over us and determine our existence, ”says the expert.
4. Emotionally close relationships are valued
Insecurity has a beneficial effect on relationships, especially if it is inherent in both partners. “Open people are looking for a relationship with a partner who is ready to share strong feelings with them. It is easier to be open when there is someone to support in difficult times,” Stolorow emphasizes.
5. Communicate easily even with strangers
Open people tend to take the initiative in communication, even if it is a conversation with a stranger in line.
This can be helpful: for example, when we smile at strangers, we feel more connected to others and get positive emotions.
6. Good Leaders
“Leaders who are prone to openness create a more positive work environment around them. If you, as a boss, are not afraid to be vulnerable, subordinates will see you as a person first of all.
You will develop closer relationships, they will be more willing to share advice with you, and relationships will become more equal in the team,” says Emma Sepala, scientific director of the Center for the Study of Empathy and Altruism at Harvard University.
7. Kind to Yourself
Researcher and author Brené Brown believes that being open and vulnerable requires acknowledging all of your emotions. This means that you should not shame yourself for "bad" feelings.
“You can't drown out strong feelings without drowning out other emotions. Emotions cannot be suppressed selectively,” she explains. Openness and vulnerability is manifested not only in communication with others, it is also an internal process.
