How to help someone with anger anxiety
Help, I Live With Someone With Anger Issues!
Mad As Hell: Anger and the Economy Part Four
We all know people who express their anger loudly and aggressively. They think that’s the best way to handle it and society as a whole has supported that notion. ‘Let it all hang out’ was the treatment of choice for angry feelings since the olden days and it seems we’ve been stuck there. Until now.
Recent research insists that a more regulated expression of anger is best. Dr. Jeffrey Lohr, a psychologist at the University of Arkansas explained this to an incredulous NPR reporter:
“The more you get angry, the angrier you get. And, so, researchers across the nation are now on a campaign to recast our view of anger expression. Sadly [!], even screaming is now out of vogue because arousal just increases your arousal. So no more screaming at your family.”
“Now, to be clear, Lohr isn’t pro-repression. Repression, he says, can also be bad for you. The key is to speak out your anger without getting emotional about it. Basically, we’re not supposed to yell at anyone anymore. In fact, Lohr claims the immediate sense of release we get after screaming or breaking plates is an illusion.” Therefore you would think that asking your loved one to express their anger more reasonably is a good thing. But what if they don’t buy it and go on screaming anyway?
Whenever we have relationship problems we think: “If only he/she would do thus and such, everything would be great.” Not likely to happen. Our power to change anyone but ourselves is teeny-weeny. So we get frustrated, maybe even angry, and the stress and tension in the relationship gets even worse.
What we do have power over is how we respond to anger expression. So here we go…
Understanding why your loved one is angry is not necessarily to excuse it. It may be important to you, however, to consider whether his/her anger is situational or chronic. In other words does he get mad only when he reads the headlines about the economic crisis or does he appear to be irritable about anything and everything? Irritability is a major symptom of depression. Taken in the context of other signs and symptoms you may weigh the options of either talking directly about his possible depression or if he is not receptive, getting the help of a mental health professional for yourself. Depression is a serious condition in which potential harm to self or others is best evaluated by an expert. Please keep this in mind as you read the rest of this article.
How was anger handled when you were growing up?
How comfortable we feel with the expression of anger is largely the result of how we were reared. No surprise there.
When I was a kid my family was one of those where anger was suppressed behind tense politeness until the pressure grew intolerant. Then the anger erupted with crying, yelling and slamming doors. After the explosion, with a false sense of resolution, the atmosphere would freeze over until the next time.
As a result when someone said they were angry with me I’d get very anxious and go into turtle mode anticipating an explosion.
Take a look at your history and ask yourself: In the face of anger, what’s my response style?
Without an effective way to handle anger we can become…
• The Turtle: Silently going behind thick emotional walls until the storm is over. • The Cornered Rat: Not at all pretty. We become them. Yelling, nagging and shoving back in defense. • The Ostrich: Denying the existence the anger. Sometimes people can be so good at the ostrich response they don’t even recognize anger in themselves. • The Chicken: Running away from anger as quickly as possible.
If your response to anger is measured and reasonable, taking responsibility only for yourself, expecting others to behave reasonably, if you express your anger directly in firm, civil tones, good for you! You are a more highly evolved creature than most of us. You are our role model.
How can I improve my response to anger?
• Make protecting your self-esteem your top priority. • Take responsibility for your own anger and take charge of how you react to your partner’s anger. • Resist the urge to take his/her anger personally no matter how much he/she provokes you. • Do not escalate an argument by getting defensive, raising your voice or retaliating. • Stay reasonable; keep your tone on the quiet side. A whisper can often be a bigger attention getter than yelling.
About venting…
As long as the person venting their anger is under control (they can stop if you ask them to) and not directed at you, it may be good to listen and allow our loved one to talk it out. Often the person venting (sometimes it’s us) is grateful for the ear and they feel better being validated.
During a time of great stress, my husband needed to be able to talk about his anger about a situation at work. To be a good partner I had to learn to not to give into my turtle instincts, control my anxiety and hear him out. Venting, if done well, can be a useful exercise, like thinking out loud, not just pointless ranting.
Guidelines for being on the receiving end of venting:
• If you get anxious, quietly breathe slowly and deeply while you listen. You don’t have to say anything. • The point is to listen; do not to feel you have to FIX IT. • Assure the angry person you ‘get’ why they are angry. Reflect back their frustration, “Yeah, it stinks, I understand why you feel that way.” • Don’t try to cheer them up. • If the venting lasts longer than fifteen minutes or so, or if it escalates to yelling, it’s time to call a time out, suggest a change of subject, a walk around the block or shift to problem solving mode.
Are you in danger of physical, verbal or emotional abuse?
All bets are off if you feel seriously threatened. If you are afraid for your physical safety you must get help. You may be confused about whether of not you should be scared. Get a reality check immediately. Talk to a trusted friend or a counselor to get some perspective. Be sure you and everyone else in the house are safe. Have an emergency plan in place in case you need to get away quickly.
Take all the pointers in the other Mad As Hell Series of articles and apply them. Find help from a professional counselor or a self-help group like Al-Anon. You are not alone.
Dealing with this economy basically means we are all in recovery. Anger relapse will happen when the media hits us with the next financial horror. When that happens remember to forgive yourself, get back on the wagon and recite with me:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. ~Amen
I invite you to visit my blog, Explore What’s Next Now!, join me on Facebook,Twitter, or e-mail me at [email protected].
10 Tips for Dealing with Anxiety & Anger
Feeling angry and anxious? Me too! It’s easy to let the feelings of anger and anxiety consume you to the point that you start spinning out of control. When you start to feel either of these feelings, you can use several techniques to stop the cycle. Here are my top 10 tips for dealing with anxiety and anger.
10 Tips for Dealing with Anxiety and Anger
1. Hit the Pause Button
Just put a pause button on the situation. Take a moment to stop and reflect. Do this as soon as you start to feel angry or anxious, that way you can control your feelings before they escalate out of control.
2. Practice Breathing Techniques
When you’re feeling angry or anxious your breathing can become irregular, which will make your feelings of anxiety and anger even worse. Remind yourself to take long deep breaths in and out to start calming down. One breathing technique you can use is called box breathing – and it’s what the Navy Seals use to calm down too!
3.
Step back and walk away for a second. Is it necessary that I participate in this situation at this very moment? Can I give myself a break and come back at a better time? Can I let someone know that I need time to process the situation? It is okay to walk away from situation(s) that are causing you to feel anxious and/or angry. It is always better to walk away than to continue causing more stress on yourself, adding to the anxiety and/or anger.
4. Process the situation
What’s going on? Why am I feeling anxious or angry? When you can identify the what and the why, you are able to evaluate what’s upsetting you and start thinking of solutions. When we’re overwhelmed it can be easy to misdirect anger. If we give ourselves time to identify what is the true cause of our anger and anxiety we can treat ourselves and the people around us with more care.
5. Assess the situation
Think “what can I do to help myself right now in this moment?”. Sometimes you will be able to think of things to change the situation right away, other times you may not have a good solution available. Either way, thinking through this process will help prepare you to make a change or accept that you need to adapt to the situation (or leave the situation).
6. Write down your thoughts and/or solutions
There is always a bright light at the end of the tunnel, but it can be very hard to see when you feel anxious or angry. Writing and journaling can help you process your feelings in a healthy, constructive way. The next time you are angry or upset, try writing down answers to the following questions:
- Why am I angry / anxious?
- Can I do anything to change the situation?
- Can someone help me in this situation?
- Where can I find the positive in this situation?
7. Talk to someone you trust
Talking to someone you trust is also a great way to process your feelings. When we are angry or anxious, it can be easy to hold onto bad feelings. Those feelings can consume us if we don’t take time to process them. Talk to someone you trust – tell them what you’re going through and why the situation(s) is making your feel angry or anxious. They may have advice for you, but mostly, it is important that they listen and you feel heard.
8. Go to Your Happy Place
A great way to break the mental cycle of thoughts that accompany anger and anxiety is by envisioning your happy place. Think about the things you like to do, people you love to see, and places you like to go. This can help you take a break from your current situation, and will also help you put things into perspective. It may help you see that, while this current moment is tough, there is happiness all around.
9. Listen to music
While escaping to your happy place can help put things into perspective, it’s also important to remember that you are allowed to have feelings! There is a reason you started feeling angry or anxious and it is okay to process those feelings in a safe way. Listening to music when you are angry or anxious can help you get some of that energy out. When I am angry, I listen to music that makes me laugh or allows me to “sing” (or I guess yell). When I am feeling anxious, I put some calmer music on and just allow myself to feel. Allow yourself to express yourself, feel it, and let it go!
10. Re-evaluate
Take as much time as you need to get centered when you start feeling angry or anxious. Ask yourself “How am I feeling now? Am I ready to go back?”. If not, give yourself more time and walk through these steps again. And remember, you can always call a help line or seek professional help. You are important and your wellbeing should be your first priority.
I hope these tips help you next time you are feeling angry or anxious. Everyone is different and processes emotions uniquely, so I would encourage you to add to this list and come up with a “go-to” list that you can tap into whenever you are feeling overwhelmed.
Therapy & Counseling in Colorado
Therapy and counseling are great ways to help manage your anger and anxiety. Mind Springs Health offers outpatient therapy and counseling across the western slope of Colorado, and getting started with services is easy. We also offer inpatient psychiatric hospitalization at West Springs Hospital.
Make the First Appointment
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Molly Spomer was previously a patient at West Springs and now is a valued staff member at the Hospital. She posts regularly about life and dealing with mental illness from her insider perspective.
"We Downplay Emotions": Understanding and Dealing with Anxiety
International Anxiety Specialist Jill Weber, a clinical psychologist, offers simple yet effective techniques to help manage even the most acute symptoms of anxiety. With permission from AST, Forbes Life publishes a chapter from Weber's book Be Calm with strategies for working through negative emotions
What is
behind your anxiety?
When we don't express negative emotions outwardly, they go deep inside. Suppressing negative feelings creates an emotional vacuum that leads to overthinking and the inability to turn off your head. Trying to cope with the problem unemotionally, we are faced with the fact that negative thoughts continue to spin endlessly in our heads.
Let's take, for example, Alexander, one of my clients, who had a hard time dealing with the death of a loved one. Instead of openly mourning and allowing himself to be sad, he suppressed his pain. Suddenly, he found himself obsessed with medical bills, the funeral of a loved one, the constant thinking of the "what if ..." scenario. Over time, his world got smaller and smaller. Now Alexander was afraid to meet friends and spent most of his time at home, in his thoughts, over and over again reproducing in his mind the negative events of the past.
Consider another example. After the divorce, Valentina forbade herself to experience all the feelings that are natural in this situation (anger, loss, sadness) and, in order not to plunge into painful memories, she began to obsessively monitor her own weight. Valentina constantly remembered everything that she ate or didn’t eat that day, pondered the next meal, imagined how she would look in S or XL clothes. So she tried to occupy her thoughts so as not to think about divorce, not to feel pain.
The avoidance only increased the loss that Valentina could not fully live through emotionally, and thus further reinforced her unhealthy attitude towards the body.
If you suffer from chronic anxiety, you most likely have a habit of suppressing negative emotions. Perhaps you are aware of your anxiety, but do not want to understand what is at its source or provokes it.
No matter how unpleasant the state of anxiety is, it is even more difficult to cope with negative emotions, such as anger or sadness, shame or guilt.
Let's find out what steps can help you deal with them.
Strategy: Explore Your Anger
If you suffer from anxiety, you may have gotten used to brushing your anger aside when you feel it coming. Anger and anger contributed to the adaptation of our species in the process of evolution, as they encouraged a person to defend himself and defend his boundaries.
- Be aware of your anger. Notice when your body becomes tense, your jaw is clenched tightly, or your heart is racing. Instead of habitually plunging into a whirlpool of anxiety, ask yourself: “What feelings can I push away now?”, “What am I missing?”, “Perhaps I feel anger, anger?”.
- For 10 minutes, without being distracted by extraneous activities, without thinking about problems, without criticizing yourself, let this feeling just be.
- Take a deep breath in and out just watching your anger.
Strategy: Explore your sadness
Many of us would rather work through any other emotion, even anger, rather than being alone with our sadness. A short meditation is the safest way to live a negative emotion by inviting it into your consciousness without letting it overwhelm you. Facing sadness on your own terms will give you an edge over sadness, and you'll realize that it's okay to allow yourself to experience sadness.
- Sit in a comfortable position and relax. Close your eyes. Let your body feel relaxed as you breathe in and out.
- Let sadness into your consciousness, remember the moments when sadness took possession of you.
Remember when you felt sad, but it remained ignored and unlived. Look at your relationships, accomplishments, life experiences, and various circumstances through the lens of sadness.
- Be a careful and sensitive observer. Where in your body do you feel sadness? Do you feel a response in your stomach, in your eyes? Do you feel weak and vulnerable? You may find yourself wanting to cry or hide. The heart may begin to beat rapidly or there will be a compressive heaviness in the chest.
- Notice if the voice in your head is trying to distract you from your inner self. If this happens, gently bring your attention back to the sad memories.
- Your experience wants you to see it and stop suppressing or hiding it. Repeat to yourself: “Sadness, I know that you are in me. I feel you.
I am close to you".
- Feel sadness as you inhale. Then try to let it go more and more with each exhalation. Notice the moments when this feeling arises, and also that observing it allows you to experience it less intensely.
How do you feel about your emotions?
We minimize our real, normal emotions by telling ourselves, “I shouldn’t feel this,” or, “If I give in to negativity, then I am weak,” or, “I am a failure if I am depressed all the time,” or : "No one can ever love me because I can't control my emotions." Criticizing ourselves for the manifestation of emotions, we only worsen our already shaky internal state. In addition to the initial emotional pain or emotional decline, we begin to feel worthless due to the fact that we allowed ourselves to experience this or that emotion.
"I'm a sorry loser to feel so bad." You continue to torment yourself with this thought, even if the emotions that took possession of you are natural in this situation.
The idea has taken root in Western culture that only a person who does not experience suffering and negative emotions can be happy.
Take, for example, Tanisha, one of my clients. As a child, whenever she was upset or angry, her parents brushed her off by saying "stop it!" or reproached the girl for "taking everything too personally." At school, the grown-up Tanisha increasingly wondered what was wrong with her. And when someone offended her or she felt loneliness, fatigue, or doubted her abilities, she closed herself more and more, scolding herself for what the light was: “Stop, no one cares!”, “Why can’t you calmly react like everyone else ? By the time Tanisha grew up, so many unlived negative emotions had accumulated in her soul that they began to break out in the form of panic attacks.
We cannot help feeling angry or sad, but it is in our power to be sensitive and attentive to ourselves at such moments.
The following strategies will help you stop judging yourself for negative emotions and find ways to express them in an environmentally friendly way.
Related material
Strategy: Judgment of Anger
Once you stop judging yourself for being angry, you can deal with it.
Think about your associations with intense anger, whether it be childhood memories or events from your adult life.
Write down in a notebook 4-5 words that you associate with anger.
Why do these words evoke such a connection in the mind? How was this judgment born in you? Did these associations come from observing other people or from the reactions of others to your display of anger? Are the words you wrote down negative? If yes, why?
What word do you most strongly associate with anger? Now think about its antonym. Can you look at anger in an atypical way using this antonym?
For example, the first words that come to mind for many people are "uncontrollable" or "destructive." Antonyms of these words can be "controlled" and "useful".
Controlled expression of anger is helpful. It allows us to set boundaries and protect ourselves.
Strategy: Judgment of Sadness
Sadness is an emotion that comes from grief, rejection, or feeling defeated, unwanted, or unloved.
Usually all this brings with it a sense of loss.
The longer you ignore your sadness, the more pronounced your anxiety becomes.
Whatever kind of loss you experience, whether it be the loss of something valuable or the death of a loved one, it is very important to recognize and accept your grief.
Recall three or four specific times you tried to push away your feelings of loss, grief, failure, or rejection.
Have you been honest with yourself or with others about how sad you were?
— Did you plunge into a funnel of anxiety instead of experiencing the pain?
— What prevented you from simply being sad? What did you think about your sadness then?
— Do you think ignoring sadness helped you more or worsened your condition?
Feelings cannot be right or wrong. Your experiences need to be seen and accepted; no more, but no less.
Stop judging yourself for sadness (short meditation)
It is very important to be able to monitor your emotions and feelings without pushing or rejecting them. With the help of this short meditation, you will be able to look at your constantly changing emotions a little from the side.
Sit comfortably. Cover your eyes. Bring more attention to your breathing, noticing the rise and fall of your chest. Allow any feelings and emotions to emerge in consciousness. Notice them from the position of an internal observer.
Your inner observer does not judge or criticize or force you to change how you feel. It only captures what you experience.
For example, your inner observer may give names to experiences such as "chest tightness", "anxiety", "excitement" or vice versa: "calm" and "peace". If this observer notices that the mind begins to criticize or condemn any of the experiences, simply call it "criticism" or "evaluation." Note that as you observe and name your state, it gradually fades away, and then you observe and name the new state. Do this with all the emotions that disturb you.
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Towards negative emotions
In Western culture, the idea that only a person who does not experience suffering and negative emotions can be happy. But in fact, we all experience difficult feelings from time to time. And when they "catch up" with us, we feel absolutely crushed. Convinced that we have made some terrible mistake (otherwise why would we feel so bad?), we begin to tighten the screws, establish tighter controls in order to avoid, push away or otherwise prevent ourselves from sinking into the abyss of despair and sadness.
All people experience negative emotions to some extent, including anxiety. Even those who do not suffer from an anxiety disorder are not immune to anxiety outbreaks - this is an integral part of our life.
Accepting your emotions means realizing that negative emotions are also part of you, and when you stop fighting them, you will finally feel relieved. It is important to understand that it is completely normal to experience negative feelings.
Acceptance of a negative experience or an unpleasant situation does not mean at all that you wanted it to happen to you, or that you have to give up today's life, plunging into the suffering and pain of the past. Acceptance does not mean that you will become a hostage to your pain, which will now rule your life. Acceptance does not oblige you to love what you experienced. The main point is to see things as they really are.
The Chinese finger trap metaphor, often used in acceptance and responsibility therapy, is a good example of how dealing with negative emotions leads to increased emotional pain. The finger trap is a small hollow wooden cylinder. Wanting to have some fun, the child sticks his fingers into the holes on both sides. But when the game gets boring, he wants to free himself, pulls in different directions, and bam! His fingers are trapped inside the cylinder. In an attempt to get rid of the toy, a child who is not familiar with the principle of its operation begins to pull his arms even more strongly to the sides. But the more he tries to pull his fingers out of the trap, the more the cylinder shrinks, causing panic and fear in the victim. The way out of this situation is simple: you should not try to remove your fingers in the standard way (spreading them in different directions), but, on the contrary, bring them closer. Thus, the diameter of the cylinder will increase, and the child will be able to easily pull his fingers out of it.
Constantly pushing away thoughts or avoiding memories of the past, we increase the fear of negative emotions or events, bringing it to panic. Over time, we lose the ability to separate positive from negative feelings, even such pleasant emotions as joy are blocked. We no longer enjoy life "here and now", we sit on pins and needles in anticipation of the inevitable. After all, if you're only focused on bailing out water from a sinking boat, you may not notice a lifeline next to you. In my case, after spending some time understanding and accepting my genetic risk for cancer, I decided to have an elective mastectomy with reconstruction. This became my lifeline, which I would not have been able to see if I had not accepted the situation as it really was.
Psychologist shared three ways to deal with anger
How are the square and anger related? Why can't she be ignored when angry? And what is behind our, as it seems to us, negative emotions? Oksana Nevzorova, a practicing psychologist at the Parental Center from Ulyanovsk, told Dobro. Zhurnal about this.
Anger or anger is a significant emotional upheaval for a person. They have a strong energy, which you need to be able to cope with so as not to harm yourself and other people, explains psychologist Oksana Nevzorova. On the other hand, these emotions help to defend personal boundaries, to “reach out” to other people so that they hear our opinion. It is important to learn how to manage them.
“The very first step in managing anger or anger is developing the ability to respond to impulses that lead us to strong emotional reactions. So to speak, to notice at the initial stage, in order to prevent it from developing into something more in the future, ” says the expert.
The second step, adds Nevzorova, is to learn how to reduce the intensity of anger and anger. If there is a feeling that they are "covering", the first reaction is to reduce the intensity of passions. To do this, the expert gives three tactics.
“The first way is to shift your attention to something else. For example, if you're sitting in a meeting and suddenly your boss or colleague's words make you angry, focus on other things - count the number of people in the audience or the pencils on the table. The second way, - Oksana Nevzorova continues, - is to turn to your breathing. I'm sure you've heard about it. In fact, concentration on the breath saves in so many situations. In the case of anger or anger, you can use the Square Breathing technique: inhale for four counts, then hold your breath for four counts, exhale for the same four counts, and hold your breath again for a count of four. It turns out a kind of respiratory square.
The third way is to turn to support phrases within yourself to reduce the intensity of the emotion. The psychologist recommends preparing a few phrases that, as you know for sure, are ways to “calm down” the ardor.
By the way, there are three more important "no" when angry or angry.
So, you can't shout. This refers to other people (you can scream, for example, left alone with yourself in a room or in nature). Raising your voice will ruin your relationship. Try to speak more calmly even when angry.
Don't blame others for your emotions. Take responsibility for your anger or anger at yourself. And then your task is to understand what exactly caused such a reaction.
“The most important thing is that you shouldn't 'crush' your feelings in yourself. The very first step in dealing with anger or anger is to acknowledge your emotions. Just tell yourself, "Yes, I'm angry."
In a state of anger or anger, you need to talk about your feelings, the psychologist is sure. For example, you can take a piece of paper and write down everything that you are experiencing right now. Paper will endure everything. Or find a person who is willing to talk to you about a sore point.
