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How to date when you are shy


Shy and Dating? Helpful Tips from a Psychologist

Have you always been a shy person? Have family members and friends have pointed out this quality about you? Most people find this an endearing quality, but when it comes to dating it can be a real obstacle.

For shy people, talking to new people can be challenging. But if you’re shy and trying to date, it can feel impossible!

Shyness doesn’t always have to make dating so uncomfortable. Think about shyness not as “just the way I am” — but as something that can be lessened over time.

Avoidance and Dating

It’s particularly helpful to keep an eye on the harmful aspects of shyness that can make dating extra tough, such as avoiding meeting people and avoiding people who might be interested in you.

What’s the link between shyness and avoidance when it comes to dating? If you’re a naturally shy person, dating can feel intimidating for a few reasons: 1) it’s a one-on-one activity, which can leave you feeling pressured to carry the conversation; 2) it can be lead to a discussion of personal topics, which can be daunting for many shy people; 3) you might be worried about your date developing a bad opinion about you; or 4) you think you’re bad at making good conversation. All these reasons can make dating a scary prospect for someone who’s shy.

In the short-term, avoiding dating may feel like a big relief — like getting to play hooky from school! However, in the long term, continued avoidance can lead to an unhappy love life and can lead to loneliness, despair, and negative self-esteem.

General Dating Tips for Shy People

  1. Write out the pros and cons of asking someone out. Which list wins? Do items on one list carry more weight than the other?
  2. Practice confidence while asking someone out by standing tall, smiling, and speaking clearly. These are all nonverbal signs that convey confidence. You might even find that practicing these steps may actually increase confidence!
  3. Handle rejection carefully. If you get turned down for a date, consider carefully why that is. You might assume it’s because there is something wrong with you. But couldn’t there be a variety of other reasons unrelated to you? Try not to jump to conclusions, and don’t let rejection keep you from trying again.
  4. Pick a date activity ahead of time. For a shy person, making conversation over dinner might be the toughest thing to do, especially if the entrée is taking forever to be served. Instead, try planning an engrossing activity for a date. Examples include wine tasting, blueberry picking in the summer months, horse-riding, or attending a cooking class. These activities (and others) can allow you to focus your attention on the activity at hand while still allowing some time for good conversation.  

Tips for When You’re On a Date:

  1. Shift your focus to the other person. Often, shyness and discomfort increase when our focus is on ourselves — our own thoughts, insecurities, appearance. Shifting your focus to your date and the conversation can help you feel more present and engaged.
  2. Catch yourself mind reading. Do we really know what the other person is thinking of us or are we just guessing? Mindreading is often inaccurate and quite distracting.
  3. Practice an easy manner with some sense of humor. Dating while feeling shy can feel intimidating and demanding! Try to break the tension (with yourself) by smiling, walking leisurely, sitting laidback and comfortably, and cracking a joke or two. (Just be careful not to overdo the jokes.)

We hope that these tips help you get a date and enjoy it. However, keep in mind that there is a difference between ordinary shyness and social anxiety. Social anxiety is a clinical condition marked by 1) fear of negative evaluation by others, 2) avoidance of social settings (often large settings but sometimes small too), and 3) difficulty with intimacy.

  1. Experiencing difficulty putting yourself out there — online or in-person
  2. Feeling afraid of what your date may be thinking about you
  3. Showing limited eye contact and experiencing overpowering shyness
  4. Finding yourself trying to read your date’s mind while together
  5. Difficulty speaking or finding yourself “rambling”

If you think you have social anxiety, we recommend that you seek professional treatment and contact us at the Manhattan Center for CBT. Otherwise, happy dating!

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6 Tips for Overcoming Shyness and Dating as an Introvert

Dating can be nerve-racking for introverts, so it’s important to identify your anxiety triggers and have a plan.

Although most people struggle at least a little in the dating world, dating often poses additional challenges for introverts. 

Of course, introversion and shyness aren’t the same thing. Being introverted means feeling drained of energy after prolonged social interaction and needing time alone to “recharge.” 

Shyness, on the other hand, is anxiety about negative judgment in social situations, ranging from mild nerves to severe anxiety disorders. Some people may be shy extroverts or socially confident introverts.

However, there are plenty of shy introverts. Because of the perceived high potential for social judgment and the need for prolonged social contact, dating can seem daunting for a shy introvert. And when you throw a pandemic into the mix, dating’s been put on hold for some of us, too. (But at least we now have plenty of time to prepare ourselves for when we do date again!)

Here are some tips I’ve used to overcome shyness and get more comfortable in the dating game.

1. Identify your anxiety triggers, like awkward silences, and how you’ll handle them. 

If you’re considering trying out dating but are feeling anxious, it can help to analyze these worries and where they come from. Ask yourself, “What exactly am I scared will happen?” 

Thinking back to past stressful social situations and remembering the moments you felt anxious can help you identify what triggers your anxiety. For example, was it the moment of walking into a crowded room and feeling people’s eyes on you? Was it wondering if you said the “wrong” thing in conversation? Was it an “awkward” silence that put you on edge? (If you are anxious that you will run out of conversation topics, you can solve this by preparing in advance and having questions ready to ask your date. ) 

Making a note of what specific events or thoughts trigger your anxiety — and how you reacted — can help you identify potential problems. Once you’ve identified these obstacles, you may be able to avoid them or even realize they are not so scary after all.

2. Practice self-love, like reciting positive affirmations.

Sometimes, shyness stems from low self-esteem or a fear of judgment by others. If you feel anxiety before walking into a crowded bar, party, or social event — well, in pre-pandemic times — you are probably well aware of how shyness can influence your daily life. 

Fear of judgment can come from a low sense of self-worth. If you feel confident and have a positive relationship with yourself, you are less likely to fear others’ judgment. Even confident people can feel a little nervous before certain situations, though, such as meeting new people. However, if this interferes with your ability to live a happy life, it is worth trying to tackle the root cause of the problem.

Experts say that self-love techniques — think mindfulness, positive affirmations (such as “I am a catch that the right person will never let go”), and learning to recognize and challenge negative thought patterns — can help you be at peace with yourself. Knowing that you are worthy of love and affection will help you overcome dating-related shyness and have healthier, more enjoyable relationships.

3. Consider online dating, which allows you to get to know someone before agreeing to meet.

If you are uncomfortable with unpredictability and prefer some idea of what to expect from a date, online dating may seem less intimidating. There are even two introvert-friendly apps, Birdy and SoSyncd, that match you based on your Myers-Briggs personality type.

You may be thinking, “How could it be less stressful when you’re talking to (and having your online dating profile judged) by complete strangers?” 

It’s true — the idea of uploading pictures and descriptions of yourself somewhere they can be seen by a public audience can be nerve-wracking. But there’s also a positive side to online dating: Dating sites and apps allow you to check out a person before you talk to them and get an idea of what they’re like to communicate with before you agree to meet in person. In a way, online dating is perfect for introverts since we get to think (and overthink) before messaging someone.

Plus, since many of us are stuck at home these days due to Covid-19, online dating is the safest option right now. If messaging does escalate with anyone, you can then determine if you’d like to meet for a safe, socially distanced activity. 

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4. Plan your dates, from the location to the time frame.

The internet isn’t just useful for meeting people to go on dates with; it can also help you plan out your date’s specifics. If you’ve been messaging with someone but are nervous about going on the first date, choosing a venue you’re comfortable with can help you relax. (Again, with Covid-19, keep safety protocols in mind; there are plenty of outdoor activities you can do, for example, like taking a walk.)

If the other person suggests a location — like an outdoor cafe or coffee shop — you can check it out online and look at pictures and reviews, so you know what to expect (since introverts don’t like surprises!). In addition to choosing venues you’re familiar with, choosing activities you know you’ll enjoy can set your mind at ease, too.

Introverts often struggle with socializing for long periods of time without feeling overstimulated and burnt out. To remedy this, planning your dates to last no more than a couple of hours, for instance, can help you avoid this problem. A standard piece of wisdom is that it is better for a date to be too short than too long — and this is even more important for an introvert.

If you meet someone that you really click with, you may find that your nerves decrease and that you get more comfortable around them. After a few dates, you may be able to spend many hours on end with them without feeling drained, which is definitely a great sign.

5. Avoid self-medicating, like drinking too much alcohol. 

Some people try to overcome shyness in social situations by having a drink — or three — for “liquid courage.” This solution may work in the short-term, but relying on alcohol, increased dosages of a medication, or other substances, is likely to lead to future dependence. As well as the health concerns, there is also the danger of getting into unsafe situations around strangers.

In some cases, the consequences are merely embarrassing rather than disastrous. I have a socially anxious friend who swore by a shot of vodka to calm his nerves before a first date — that is, until the night he went for two shots instead. The next morning, he woke up and remembered that he’d had several beers and fell off a chair … all in front of his date.

Dates at bars can be fun, and you don’t have to avoid having a drink, but be careful!

6.

Be honest: It’s OK to tell your date that you’re feeling a bit shy or anxious. (Maybe they are, too!)

While you don’t want to overshare, dating experts say, being honest about who you are as a person is almost always best. 

For example, letting someone know that you are a little shy or anxious before the date is perfectly OK. Most people will be understanding and non-judgmental. After all, it is very common to have at least a few nerves about meeting up with a stranger and going on a date. 

If that person is judgmental, rude, or dismissive, you dodged a bullet — you don’t want to date someone like that anyway. Plus, who knows? Maybe your date will be an introvert, too, and completely get where you’re coming from!

Aside from being honest about feeling nervous before or during a date, being honest about who you are — through your actions and conversation — is essential. Sometimes, feeling shy or having low self-esteem can lead us to pretend to be someone we are not. But, ultimately, doing this is not worth it; it’s not fun trying to keep up an act around someone.

Try to remember that dating, despite sometimes being stressful, is supposed to be fun. Don’t put pressure on yourself to be perfect at it or to impress everyone you meet. In the words of Dr. Seuss, “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”

You might like: 

  • Will I Be Single Forever? 6 Introvert Dating Struggles
  • This New App Makes It Easier for Introverts to Date and Make Friends
  • Finally, a Dating App That Matches You Based on Your Myers & Briggs Type

How and what to talk about with a girl if shyness gets in the way

December 27, 2016 Likbez Relationship

Must-read for guys who have difficulty communicating with the opposite sex. The article contains proven tips on how to overcome shyness, learn how to have an interesting dialogue and avoid awkwardness. Plus a few universal topics for conversations that will help out if your head is completely empty.

Acquaintance or conversation with a girl is a serious challenge for shy guys. In their case, we are not talking about the usual light jitters, but about a real tsunami of fear and excitement. Sean Cooper, a man who got rid of shyness on his own, is sure that all these troubles are surmountable. Below are some of his suggestions for helping you fight shyness and make conversation more relaxed.

Sean Cooper

Author of courses on combating shyness and social anxiety.

3 reasons for fear of girls

1. Feelings of inferiority

The mere sight of an attractive girl makes you nervous, and the thought of approaching her causes horror. Why? Because you consider yourself unworthy of this beauty. Remember women whose appearance is far from your ideal. Surely their company causes less discomfort.

The point is that men draw too far-reaching conclusions based only on the external data of a woman. But imagine: suddenly she is stupid? Or does she have no sense of humor at all? Or do you just have nothing in common? You do not yet know this person, but you are already sure of her magnificence (and your inadequacy to him).

As a result, the feeling of your own inferiority deprives you of confidence and prevents you from expressing your individuality.

Tip: remember that looks are more about genes than personality. So do not rush to deify a stranger and send yourself to the list of unworthy ones. Better find out in practice what kind of person she is.

2. Obsession and unrealistic fantasies

Shy guys tend to choose one girl as the object of their dreams. Only a couple of short conversations or smiles can connect with a beautiful person: this is enough for a shy person to imagine a joint future in all details. What happens in the end? The guy is so overworked that when it comes to taking decisive action, he gets lost under the weight of high expectations.

You thought about her for so long and turned her into such a perfect being that you were paralyzed with fear.

Sean Cooper

Another scenario: you finally dare to ask her out on a date, but after three minutes of conversation you realize that she is not at all the beautiful lady from your head. And on the basis of a three-minute communication, you decide to retreat, without really knowing the girl for real.

Advice: say "stop" to empty fantasies and channel your energy into communication. Well, remember that there are many cute and interesting girls in the world. You definitely shouldn't get hung up on one with which you are almost unfamiliar.

3. Procrastination

Guys who suffer from shyness or have little experience in relationships can wait a long time for the right moment to talk, touch, first kiss. But the longer they wait and the more they think about it, the stronger the fear becomes.

Tip: act impulsively. All thoughts that appear after the first impulse are aimed at dissuading you from the act. In the end, it is better to do and regret than not to do and regret.

How to talk to a girl

1. Have a good conversation

Cooper mentions the method of chain messages. Surely you have already used this technique, but perhaps not quite right.

Its essence is as follows… The starting point is any, even the most insignificant information. Then a clarifying question is asked. Based on the answer to this question, the following replica is built. And further along the knurled.

Example of an unsuccessful conversation:

A: Hello! Where are you from?

To: From Chelyabinsk.

A: Oh, what do you do there?

B: I work.

A: Where, if not a secret?

Q: Factory.

A: Who?

B: Miller, *&%+#!

Mistake A is that he approached the conversation too formally. As a result, he came down to a banal enumeration of facts, from which the milling operator V. went berserk.0003

Tip: Bet on emotions, not boring data.

For example, instead of doing a survey, A could share his impressions of Chelyabinsk or ask B what she likes (or dislikes) about this city.

Second recommendation: develop the topic in several directions. So the conversation becomes more complete. And even if one of the branches of the conversation turns out to be a dead end, you can always return to the other.

Conversation Map Exercise

Take a blank piece of paper. In the middle, write a word that can start a conversation or that you often hear from girls. Now draw the rays that move away from it. They will be the lines of conversation. Formulate them as statements or as questions. The main thing is that they relate to emotions and values. The more directions you come up with, the better.

Example:

  • Initial word: psychologist .
  • Branch-emotion: how do you feel when you get into such a close relationship with different people?
  • Branch value: you must be a very caring person if you chose this profession .

2. Stop being afraid of silence

Sudden pauses in conversation, says Cooper, are normal. It is not normal that you feel awkward and uncomfortable about them. It is with these feelings that you need to fight.

The first thing to do is to realize that you are not a toastmaster, but an accomplice in the conversation. No need to blame yourself for not being able to immediately react and figure out how to continue the conversation. This will only increase the stupor.

The second rule is to stay relaxed. If you are nervous about silence, then it automatically becomes awkward.

The third rule (and hint) is a natural continuation of the conversation. Situational comments can help here. The essence of the method is to pay attention to what is happening in the outside world, and not to frantically try to find a topic in the head (which becomes completely empty due to stress).

When you are relaxed and not obsessed with the inner search, the dialogue ceases to be forced.

3. Learn to talk about nothing

Another problem with many shy people is that they think that every conversation should be meaningful. At the same time, conversations are constantly taking place around, the content of which many instantly forget.

Such conversations about nothing are sometimes annoying or bewildering, and their participants may seem simply narrow-minded. Nevertheless, these people have no difficulty in initiating contact and receive their dose of social interaction. And this is something they should learn from.

Where to start? Stop thinking and allow yourself to be spontaneous. Be in the present moment, not caring about what you said 10 seconds ago or what you have to say 10 seconds from now.

Trust your brain, don't try to squeeze all the juice out of it. In fact, this is a powerful device with a decent amount of information. You just need to let him do his job.

4. But just in case, have a list of topics

Prepared topics are like a cheat sheet: you don't have to use it, but it makes you feel more confident. The circle of topics that you can talk about with a girl does not need to be kept in your head all the time. It is enough to outline it and leave it on the periphery of consciousness: if something goes wrong, you can always use it.

Sean Cooper offers nine areas from which to draw ideas for conversation:

  1. Hobbies.
  2. Work, study.
  3. Travel.
  4. Entertainment.
  5. Food, cooking.
  6. Past experience.
  7. Observations of the present (situational comments).
  8. Plans for the future.
  9. Human relationships.

As a practice, you can come up with five example topics for each of these areas.

Another option is to talk about what you really know a lot about and try to interest the interlocutor in this. In your field, you will feel more confident and will be able to open up.

Another alternative is to allow the girl to talk about what she knows, but at the same time remain genuinely passionate about the topic. Genuine interest is always felt. And attracts.

Of course, you should not follow all the advice at once. Try one technique, then another, see what situations they work best for, or pick the one you like best.

Can you share your tricks? Then welcome to the comments.

Communication rules for shy people😳💬

Communicating and even more so building relationships with shy people can sometimes be difficult, because you need to find a certain approach to them. At the same time, it is with shy partners that there can be the most sincere feelings and happy relationships if you can reveal such people. Today in invme we will tell you how to overcome shyness and how to date a shy person.

Communicating and even more so building relationships with shy people can sometimes be difficult, because you need to find a certain approach to them

How to communicate and build relationships with a shy guy . When meeting a guy, many girls expect that he will pull you to him with one hand, and with the other he will fight off flying stones, after which he will solve all your problems. However, in reality, it sometimes happens that he is self-absorbed, and not because of his inherent romantic daydreaming, but because he is very shy.

Girls are not always ready to wait weeks for a guy to dare to kiss you or invite you over. But if you really like a person, you should push him a little so that your relationship develops faster and easier.

It is worth mentioning right away that in these relationships you will most likely have to take everything into your own hands, even if you are not used to it. In the case of shy guys, it will take a very, very long time to wait for a sincere confession of sympathy. But you can look at the universal signs that will give out his feelings. It can be casual looks, an attempt to look away during eye contact, awkward offers to walk you to the subway. If you notice a few of these signs, try to get active and give the guy a chance.

At the first meeting, pay attention to how your interlocutor behaves. If he frowns, answers all questions in monosyllables, tries to increase the physical distance between you, then most likely it is not a matter of embarrassment, but a lack of reciprocal feelings.

Action plan

Still, do not forget that girls are the weaker sex. Let the young man feel like your protector and helper. Ask him for help in a case in which he definitely understands. After the problem is solved, do not forget to thank and sincerely rejoice at how lucky you are with him.

Find something a common hobby . This will not only give you the opportunity to spend more time together, but will also give you more common ground. So, you will get much closer, doing a common thing. Try to get to know his friends. Show yourself in your best light by letting it be known that you are the best choice for your boyfriend.

Do not offer first sex . Even the most shy young man will find the opportunity to hint about his desire for intimacy. Your initiative in this matter may simply frighten him away.

Don't get serious about your status in his life . Remember, men don't like to talk about relationships. They prefer to show their feelings through actions rather than words

Don't be intrusive . Do not forget, if isolation is a character trait of a young person, you are dealing with an introvert . And they need to periodically take a break from society. Treat this feature with understanding and give your boyfriend some personal space.

Don't try to make him jealous on purpose . Men do not like to sort things out, and introverts even more so. In addition, such behavior can dramatically change the guy's opinion of you in a negative direction.

How to communicate and build relationships with a shy girl

First, you need to understand why a girl is shy. Some are shy because they have had bad experiences in the past. Other girls are more shy around guys, especially if they've never been interested in them before.

If you are too direct and push her to talk, she will only feel pressured and unlikely to feel comfortable with you.

The most important thing to remember is that a shy person (both boys and girls) needs time to open up and open up to someone new.

One of the easiest and most effective ways to make a shy girl feel comfortable around you is to make her laugh and act silly around her. This way she can forget how shy she is and let go of any pressure she feels trying to strike up a conversation.

Action plan

Ask her questions. If you really like this girl, just ask her opinion about this or that situation, show your interest.

Don't talk about her shyness. This may upset her or cause her to close even more.

Talk one on one. Shy people usually handle one-on-one conversations easily, but often get lost in large groups. Do not try to talk to a girl, for example, in the presence of your friends.

Plan ahead. If you suddenly invite a shy girl, she may find a reason to refuse the meeting. It's not because she doesn't like you, it's just that introverts like to plan ahead. A shy girl needs to mentally prepare for a date with you.

Plan fun dates that will help her relax. Plan an activity where you won't get bored together. If talking is difficult for you, choose an activity that will help the girl relax and have a good time without a lot of talking.

Just spend time together. Shy girls don't like noisy events. If you ask her to choose between a night out at a nightclub, a football match, or a noisy concert, don't be offended that she chooses to stay at home and watch movies with you.

Compliment the girl (how to do this, we told here ). Not always, but often shy girls can be a little insecure. Even if the girl has no self-esteem issues, a compliment is always a good idea.

Don't bother the girl . Shy girls or introverts often need a lot of personal time. It is unlikely that she will want to correspond with you for hours, and this is normal. This does not mean that she does not like you and wants to leave you.

Take your time. Never rush a shy girl, otherwise you risk losing her. Your relationship should develop slowly at a pace that is comfortable for the girl. The girl should not experience inconvenience and stress.

How to overcome shyness
  • Pay close attention to your shyness and insecurity and try to understand its origins. If you bought it, what influenced you the most - failures, bullying, ridicule, criticism?
  • To get rid of shyness, first try to imagine it mentally, and then gradually transfer your idea into reality.
  • Learn the art of a calm and objective vision of yourself, as if from the outside, without judgment or judgment.
  • Introduce a slight detachment and gentle humor into your attitude towards yourself. Joke about your shyness and insecurity.
  • Collect all the past resources of your victories or at least successful communication scenarios in any situations. Try to recall and relive your positive emotions that you experienced then.
  • Take a closer look at confident, liberated people. Try to understand what is the secret of their success and how they manage to keep themselves relaxed and confident in all situations.
  • Try to behave like people of this type behave - freely, confidently, liberated, doing what they like to do, without regard to others.
  • Give serious attention to the release of muscle clamps. Shyness simply ceases to exist as a property if a person has learned to truly relax his body.

Quote from Goodbye Shyness! 85 Ways to Overcome Shyness and Gain Self-Confidence by Layla Lowndes

“Show off your worth. Suppose you are going to a party, and suddenly shyness has come over you. To get rid of nervousness, take a pen and make a list of your strengths.

Learn more