Friends that turn on you

What You Can Do When Your BFF Turns Into Your Worst Enemy

Source: Andrey Arkusha/Shutterstock

Bethany*, a mother of two, told me that her best friend had suddenly abandoned her: “I don’t understand. One day we're closer than sisters, and the next, we're not speaking.”

Liane, a preschool teacher, said, “My best friend just stabbed me in the back. How could that happen?”

Keisha, an account executive, said, “Stuff has been going on at work, and everybody’s tense. But my closest friend at the office and I always said we’d get through it together. And now I find out she has thrown me under the bus.”

"Frenemies," the popular term for best friends who become enemies, is usually used in reference to teen relationships. But both in my psychotherapy practice and in interviews I did for my new book about women’s friendships,** I heard over and over again about this painful and sometimes surprising reversal in the lives of women of all ages, all over the world. And the anecdotes are backed up by scientific research: According to a study reported in Jan Yager’s book about friendship, 68 percent of people interviewed had been betrayed by a friend at some point. But with frenemies, the betrayal can be followed by making up and being BFFs once again, only to have the friendship disrupted and the whole cycle start over again.

How does this happen? Why? And what’s the best way to respond when it happens to you? (One further question: Does it really happen more with women than with men?)

Recent research into something called “friendship chemistry” offers some insight. “Interpersonal chemistry,” a relatively new concept that has been studied in romantic relationships, also exists in friendships, according to a group of psychologists at California State University, San Bernardino. Defined as “an instant emotional and psychological connection between two individuals,” this chemistry can quickly impact whom we connect with and even how that relationship will turn out in the long run.

Psychologist Kelly Campbell and her team conducted interviews and gave out questionnaires to a sample of 688 men and women between 18 and 66 years old. Campbell and her colleagues, Nicole Holderness and Matt Riggs, found five important factors in friendship chemistry:

1. Reciprocal candor, or mutual understanding and easy communication.

2. Mutual interest, or enjoying the same things and even finding the same things funny.

3. Personableness, or being warm and caring, down-to-earth, and genuine.

4. Similarity, as in values, morals, beliefs about life, life goals, and education.

5. Physical attraction.

The study's sample consisted mostly of women—81 men and 607 women—which makes it difficult to determine whether men and women struggle with the same issues. For the most part, I have heard these stories from women (although not totally, as you can read in my post about friends who hurt you).

In the 1990s, Pat O’Connor highlighted some of these factors in her research into women’s friendships. Another study, published in 2014 by a group of researchers at Utrecht and Stockholm Universities, found that convenience plays an important role in the formation and preservation of friendships for both men and women. This study, led by Gerald Mollenhorst of Utrecht University, showed that social context, which is a way of talking about the ease with which we might run into a friend and the comfort of the setting in which we see them, is significant in both men’s and women’s friendships.

It would seem logical that when that context changes in certain ways, a friendship will shift. And in some of these shifts, friends can become enemies. When the context changes again, you might find yourself feeling close once again, although if it happens often enough, you might wonder if the friendship is worth the roller coaster ride.

For instance, if you and a colleague are in pretty much equal positions at work, you could develop a positive and collegial work friendship; but if the position above the two of you opens up, and one or both of you want to apply for the job, the context immediately changes: You are no longer equals; you are competitors. In many instances, healthy friendships can handle the shift, but when they don’t, a once-supportive friend may turn into a frenemy.

That’s exactly what happened to Keisha and her former office pal: “Instead of being supportive, she got manipulative. She cozied up to our new boss, and before I knew what had happened, she was promoted to a position that I had been in line for. And she acted like she didn’t understand why I might be upset. I can’t even stand to be around her anymore."

The same dynamics that create friendship chemistry in the first place can be part of the reason that close friends turn into enemies. Frenemies often develop when there is a sense of betrayal on one side or the other. For instance, a close friend goes after a man or woman you’re interested in, or a house you’re thinking of buying. You feel betrayed, hurt, and angry. You don’t think you’ll ever be able to trust that friend again. And perhaps the sense of betrayal and disillusionment is stronger when it contrasts with an original feeling that you could really like and trust that person. It’s painful to discover that someone you thought shared your values, and was open and honest with you, has turned out not to be what you thought. You begin to dislike the person with an intensity equal to the caring and liking that once existed between you.

So what can you do if your BFF has just turned into your worst enemy? The advice that professionals give to parents of children who have been hurt by this kind of turn-around applies to all of us.

1. Try to talk to your friend to find out what’s going on from their side. Maybe they genuinely misread a situation, or really had no idea that you would be hurt.

2. If your friend denies responsibility or tries to downplay or negate your feelings, try putting what you’re thinking into words anyway. Say it simply and clearly, without blaming, if at all possible. Listen to what they have to say, and acknowledge that you’ll think about it.

3. Take a step back. Daniel Goleman, who has written numerous books about Emotional Intelligence, tells us that very few arguments convince anyone of anything, and that after 20 minutes there is no chance of either side changing their opinion. So after you and your friend have each made your point, end the discussion with an agreement that you’ll both think more about what you’ve said. And then leave. Go on to other things.

4. Cool down. Go for a walk, listen to music, call another friend or someone else you trust.

5. Assess your own part in the situation. Did you do something that hurt your friend, either by accident or on purpose? Could that be what set off some of their behavior? If so, it’s almost always productive to take responsibility for your part. Own up to it, and maybe, if you’re lucky, your friend will do the same, taking responsibility for what he or she did as well.

Finally, no matter what the outcome, remember:

6. Try not to take it personally. Take responsibility for anything you have done, of course. But try to remember that anything this friend—or former friend—is doing is also motivated by his or her own needs, psyche, and behaviors. Thinking about that side of the coin might help you be more empathic, but it can also help you separate yourself from the situation. Sometimes, when a friend consistently hurts your feelings or stabs you in the back, or when a friendship can’t sustain a life change, your best psychological action is to know that the friendship has to end. Jeanne Safer, a New York psychotherapist, writes about realizing that she could never again trust a dear friend who disappeared from her life when Jeanne was hospitalized for a serious illness. Accepting that this woman could not be the friend she wanted was both freeing and self-affirming.

*Names and identifying information have all been changed to protect everyone’s privacy

Keep your eyes open for my new book on women’s friendships—I Know How You Feel: The Joy and Heartbreak of Friendship in Women's Lives.

Follow me on Twitter @fdbarthlcsw.

11 Signs Your Friend Is Actually Your "Frenemy" & You Should Tread Carefully

Life

by Carina Wolff

Feb. 16, 2017

Unsplash

Friendships can be complicated, and they come with their fair share of ups and downs. Sometimes though, it can be hard to tell if your peers have your best interests in mind, which is why it's important to look out for any signs that your friend is actually more of a "frenemy." Your relationships should make you feel good and help enhance your life, and if you're starting to feel otherwise, it might be time to reevaluate your friendships.

"The term frenemy, seamlessly blending the words fr(iend) and enemy, refers to someone who pretends to be a friend but actually is an enemy — a proverbial wolf in sheep’s clothing in the world of friendships," says Irene S. Levine, psychologist, friendship expert and producer of the online advice column www.TheFriendshipBlog.com, over email. "If you think about it, most of us have had a frenemy at one time of another, either at school, at work, or lurking in our neighborhood. "

Sometimes social or work obligations require us to spend time around this "frenemy," but it's essential you recognize the difference of someone hanging around because they have to and someone who is going to have your back for years down the line. If there's someone in your life you're unsure about, you'll want to watch out for these 11 signs your friend is actually a frenemy.

1 They Talk Behind Your Back

Pexels

Frenemies may not always be rude to your face, but they definitely won't hesitate to speak negatively about you when you're not around. "They smile a lot and act nice to you, but really, they are talking and gossiping behind your back," says relationship expert Audrey Hope over email.

2 They Don't Celebrate Your Wins

Pexels

A true friend is excited for you when you have an accomplishment. "When you get that promotion or become engaged, for example, if they don't seem genuinely happy for you, that's a sign," says relationship coach Tiya Cunningham-Sumter over email. "If they can never seem to show up to any of the events that celebrate you, he or she is your frenemy."

3 They Point Out All The Negative Things About Your Life

Pexels

"Another sign is constant negativity," says Cunningham-Sumter. "If they are always able to immediately pinpoint what's wrong in your life or why something won't work in your situation, they may be your frenemy. This person might be secretly rooting for you to fail."

4 They're Very Competitive

Unsplash

"Some competition is natural, but if you find that your friend seems to be competing with you frequently, particularly in a way that feels bad to you, they may be a frenemy," says psychologist Dr. Helen Odessky over email. "Some signs are trying to one-up you in conversations and minimizing or devaluing your accomplishments."

5 They're Passive Aggressive

Unsplash

"Some frenemies might not adopt common bullying tactics, so instead they resort to passive aggression because for some reason it's considered to be more socially acceptable," says life coach Kali Rogers over email. "These frenemies will subtly cut you down in public, make fun of you where it hurts, and always take jokes too far at your expense. They will do whatever they can to bring you down without leaving actual proof."

6 Conversations Always Revolve Around Them

Pexels

A frenemy is usually self-centered, and they love when the conversation is about themselves. "If you have a friend who talks endlessly about themselves and their problems, but gives no thought to you or yours, you are dealing with a Narcissistic Nat," says etiquette expert Sharon Schweitzer over email. "Your role for them is simply to listen and acknowledge and expect nothing in return."

7 They're Selfish With Their Time

Pexels

Because they're so focused on themselves, a frenemy has little respect for other people's times. "If you’ve made plans and you need to get to the concert by 8pm, they won’t consider it unusual if they’re not ready until 9pm," says Schweitzer. "This type may simply not even acknowledge that there is a problem, or they may find excuses like, 'I was tired and didn’t feel like moving' to be perfectly acceptable.

8 They Take Advantage Of You

Pexels

Do you have a friend who just goes through the fridge without asking or feels entitled to your stuff? "Friends should generally share and be gracious hosts to their guests, but some people take other’s hospitality and abuse it," says Schweitzer. "This frenemy doesn’t seem to have a concept that the things in their friend’s house don’t belong to them."

9 They Make You Feel Like An Accessory

Unsplash

A frenemy likes to look like they're popular by keeping lots of friends around as accessories. "They’ll invite you out 'just in case the party is 'boring,' and leave you alone in the corner if someone more interesting comes along," says Schweitzer. "They’re sweet, but when you ignore or decline their invitation, they tend to overreact. "

10 They Enjoy Drama

Pexels

No friendship is smooth sailing, but a frenemy enjoys conflict. "A frenemy thrives on friendships that are always in crisis mode," says Schweitzer. "They continually seek 11th hour sympathy, but never advice. For them, something’s not right if there isn’t anything that’s wrong."

11 They Lie A Lot

Pexels

A real friend is not going to lie to you constantly. "If you know someone who has a new fantastic story every time you talk to them, and it’s always something that is totally out of character from your own experience with them, you’re probably dealing with a Lying Logan," says Schweitzer. "They may feel that their own real life is inadequate, so they feel the need to embellish at best and lie at worst, to make themselves sound more important."

10 strange friends that each of us has

You can listen to the article. If it's more convenient for you, turn on the podcast.

It's good to be a child, schoolboy, student. At a young age, you do not need to think about friendship and work on relationships. Friends just are, because it happened.

From birth, we live the life that our parents have chosen for us. This is how our acquaintances live, and the differences are not so significant as to interfere with friendship. So friends are bound to show up. During our student years, we find ourselves in an environment ideal for forming friendships. It is easy to observe all the necessary conditions for strong friendship in it. Sociologists believe that there are three of them:

Proximity (geographically).
Regular unscheduled meetings.
Something that allows you to relax in the presence of another person and begin to trust him.

So the number of friends in universities and colleges is growing. Maybe they're real, maybe this relationship won't last long. But you don't do anything special to get them started or supported. They add up by themselves, you are just an observer.

One day student life ends. The people you associate with take their places in your environment, each in their own social circle. It looks something like this:

Imagine that your life is a mountain. You are at the top. In the green sector - friends of the first circle. Those who have become your brother or sister. These are the closest people: they are the first to know about all the events in your life, you love them with all the shortcomings, they give a speech at your wedding, you know them inside and out. These relationships are eternal. Even if you do not communicate for months, each meeting proves that nothing has changed.

Unfortunately, life is such that your worst enemies enter the first circle. People who can ruin your day with one sharp remark, because only they know where to hit. These are the people towards whom you feel burning irritation, envy, with whom you compete. In the first round, the stakes are high.

Below, in the yellow zone, are the friends of the second circle. They are just good friends. Relations with them are much calmer than with brothers and sisters from the first circle. They may invite you to the wedding, but not as a witness. If you live in the same city, you meet once or twice a month with great pleasure, but if someone leaves, you can not talk to each other for a year or two. And if something important happened in their lives, mutual friends will tell you about it.

Even further down the slope is an orange zone where fake friends are located. You can sit together in a cafe for a cup of tea and decide that we should meet again, but five years will pass and it turns out that during this time you no longer drank any tea together. Such relationships exist in a large company or in social networks. Even if someone from this circle suddenly inherits a million, you will not care much. From the orange zone appear sexual partners for one night.

The third circle smoothly flows into a huge category of acquaintances. It contains people with whom you will stop to exchange a few words if you run into on the street. You send business letters to them, but you will not meet at the movies. If you hear that something happened to one of them, you can sigh sadly, although in fact you don’t care at all.

Finally, acquaintances dissolve into a sea of strangers.

Depending on your personality and how you have spent the last 25 years, your mountains may look different.

For example, this is how the life of a person who does not let anyone close to him looks like.

Or a person who tries to be everyone's best friend.

Even the last sociopath has his mountain.

Whatever your mountain looks like, once you're past your youth, sooner or later (usually between 25 and 30) there comes a day when you realize that making friends has become difficult.

Without a doubt, friends will still appear (work, the company of a spouse, children will help), but it is unlikely that you will add them to the first circle of relatives or even to the second circle. People who meet as adults can't spend their days with each other or chat all night long. And this is necessary for the birth of such strong relationships. Over time, you realize that real friends appeared in your life by accident, spontaneously, and you did nothing special for this.

You met them, firstly, not on purpose, and secondly, at a time when you still knew little about yourself. Therefore, the people closest to you are randomly distributed according to the graph below.

As time goes by, there are fewer and fewer people in squares 2-4. We grow up, begin to respect ourselves more and set a higher bar in communicating with other people.

But the fact remains that many formative relationships stick to us. And even if friendship is far from ideal, among our close friends there are people whose communication does not bring more joy and meaning to life. We’ll talk about ideal friendship later, but for now, let’s take a look at 10 types of strange friends that we have in our environment.

1. A friend who doesn't ask questions

You will have a good day. Or bad. You will be happy at work or quit. You will fall in love. Or catch your loved one cheating and kill both of them in a state of uncontrollable rage. It doesn't matter, because no event can be discussed with a friend who doesn't ask questions. Never, never, under any circumstances, will he become interested in your life. Why is he behaving like this? There are three explanations.

He is completely self-centered and wants to discuss only himself.
He is afraid to get close to people and does not want to talk about personal things (neither about himself nor about yours), he agrees to support only an abstract conversation.
He knows that you are extremely self-centered. If you ask a question, you will talk only about yourself all evening.

To make such a friendship meaningful, take just two steps.

First: if you are bored with this person, remove him from the first social circle. This is your green zone, it is sacred, people fixated on themselves have nothing to do there. Move such a friend to the second or third level and enjoy rare meetings.

Second: keep talking. Perhaps you will even use such a friend "blindly". Meet once every couple of months, but do not touch personal topics in the conversation. Believe me, you can communicate with a person for many years, and still not even know if he has brothers and sisters.

2. A friend in a common company with whom you will not be alone

In any company there are a couple of people who do not communicate with each other one on one. Not in the sense that they don't talk because they don't like each other. They get along great. They just have nothing in common other than common friends. As soon as they are left alone in the room, they freeze like stone statues.

There is nothing worse for them than to be in the same car if the company gets somewhere by car. Smaller troubles happen all the time. For example, if such people were the first to arrive at the meeting place or when the third friend went to the toilet. It is not at all necessary that these people will never be able to make friends. Sometimes no one dares to take the first step and change the current state of affairs.

3. A friend who always laughs

This is a friend who is afraid of serious communication, so any meeting with him turns into a skit, and you should always be in high spirits when talking.

Sometimes the joke is that you have to laugh all the time. And constantly joke, pour sarcastic remarks, otherwise a friend is overcome by fear.

Another version of the always ironic friend is the person who loses his temper when you break through his shell and say something honest. Such people hate sincere interlocutors, because they make them crawl out from behind the armor of sarcasm and irony and show their true colors.

Third version: your communication is described by the phrase "you're cool, I'm even cooler, why is the rest of the world not so cool. " Of course, a friend does not consider you ideal. When he talks to someone else, he is already dissecting you. The trick is that you always have to be on his team. The only comfortable mode of coexistence is to stand on a fictional pedestal together and pour mud on the world around.

You can play along with such a friend and everything will be fine, even if deep down you despise each other and yourself. Or you can take the liberty of disagreeing with him. For example, to protect a person from criticism. This will destroy your fragile team and cause a backlash. Your strange friend will most likely agree with you, saying something like: "Well, yes, you're probably right." Congratulations, this means that you have earned the respect of this person for the first time. It also means that behind your back, he will criticize you five times more than before.

Whatever one may say, the mask of the always cheerful person is the wall behind which your friend hides so as not to let anyone get too close to him. If you have the strength to break through the ice and calm down such a sociopath, he can become a real friend. If a person is completely closed, then nothing can be done, such friendship is doomed. Although if you like to constantly scoff, then why not.

4. Commitment friend

Think of a friend you rarely see. Before making an appointment, you call and text for a long time to find a time convenient for both. But when you wake up in the morning and realize that a friendly dinner is on your schedule today, you are not happy at all.

Maybe you don't want to be friends with this person, he even pisses you off. Most likely, you do not understand: this friend does not want to see you either.

Friendship with mutual obligations suggests that both of these relationships are a burden. But everyone thinks that the other person really wants to see him. Therefore, there is no way you can allocate a place in the schedule for the meeting.

When people want to communicate, they find opportunities and ways.

This friendship lasts because you don't think at all that you don't like the relationship. Or you consider meeting this person part of your life story. But even if you understand that you do not want to communicate, you do not know that your feelings are mutual. Tough friendships can last forever.

5. Friendzoner

This friendship could turn into a happy marriage, only your friend or girlfriend does not look at you as a partner. The smallest thing is missing. You may also find yourself in a situation where someone loves you. No matter how you look at it, this is not the healthiest relationship in your life.

If you're in the friend zone, isn't it time to get out of it? Even if you have to stop talking. Because as long as you drag this relationship out, you destroy your self-esteem and look like a little crying seal. Take a step, where is your self-respect? Perhaps it is a bold decision that will make the object of love look at you with different eyes.

If you are a friend zone, then know that there is a person in the world who suffers, and you like it. Because every time you see someone else's pain, your vile ego is overwhelmed with pleasure. You are so pleased that you are even ready to specifically stir up someone else's interest and not say yes or no in order to feed on the blood of a friend wounded in the very heart, like a vampire.

Go and do something else.

6. Historical friend

You were one of the first to have a historical friend because you met when you were children. You have been friends for years, although you were an odd couple. Many old friends fall into this category. But a historical friend is someone you would never be friends with if you met now.

You don't like who this person has become, and it's mutual. You are no longer suitable for each other. Alas. You've been close friends since you were four years old, and there's nothing you can do about it.

7. A friend with whom you go in different directions

As a child and student, most people of your age are on the same level with you. But when it comes to self-promotion, people go through life in different ways, so that recent friends are suddenly completely different people.

Everyone around 30 goes through this stage. Someone thinks about how they will live at 50. And someone remains 20 years old. To some extent, the age of thirty is akin to puberty, only in a different sense.

There are also hidden situations in which the paths with friends diverge. Suppose Zhenya refuses material well-being partly because of the vocation of an artist, partly so as not to envy rich people. And Sasha despises all bohemia, because he considers creative people idlers or envies their freedom of expression. Sasha and Zhenya have problems. Maybe they still like each other, but they can no longer be as close as before. The life path of each of them challenges the path of the other, which leads to awkwardness in communication. It also happens when your moral values do not match.

8. A friend with whom no enemies are needed

"Enmity" hurts you greatly. It's not about those cases when a friend experiences a prick of pleasure if you failed or broke up with a partner. And not even about those who are jealous of your success. These are toxic emotions, but even real friends can sometimes have them.

It's about real "hostility" - a relationship with a friend who sincerely wants to harm you. Just because he wants to.

Most likely, you have been communicating with a friend enemy for a long time, the problems did not start yesterday either.

Hate hides complex psychological causes. It is generated from the inner pain of your enemy friend, from his shortcomings and regrets. And you, with your very existence, hit the patient.

A slightly less dark, but no less dangerous situation arises when another enemy sees your weaknesses and sensitive points and constantly presses on them out of sadistic pleasure or to raise his own self-esteem.

Such a friend knows exactly how to hurt you, because you are similar in some way or something binds you.

Moreover, he will constantly spoil your life, at any opportunity, but so cleverly that you won't even notice it all the time.

Be that as it may, if such a person appears among your friends, immediately throw him out of your social circle. The cooler your relationship becomes, the better. As the distance between you increases, the poisonous force of the other enemy dissolves.

9. A friend is a star of social networks

This person is not a star for anyone but you. Do you understand what I'm talking about. There are a few people whose social media pages are all too familiar to you. And these people have no idea that you are so interested in them. I must say that there are probably people who know when you changed your hairstyle, although you have not seen each other for seven years.

This is a friend from the third circle or just an acquaintance who is on the list of strange friends because you managed to make your relationship painful without even interacting with the person. It had to be done.

10. One-sided friendship

Friendship can be “twisted” in a bunch of ways. Someone is in your pyramid of friends at a higher position than you are in his pyramid. Some people want to communicate more than others.

One of the friends in 90% of cases listens and only in 10% speaks, and when it comes to difficulties, then communication is more like a meeting with a psychotherapist. In general, the balance between what you give and what you take from the relationship is out of balance.

Ideally, when friendship is equally invested. But if the ratio is about 65/35, that's okay too. In the end, the difference may be due to personal characteristics. Sometimes even a bigger gap in who invests how much in a relationship isn't so bad. But only if it suits both parties.

There are several questions, the answers to which show who is who in a friendship. When one person talks longer than another, is the “talker” interrupted by his friend? Does one friend's opinion carry more weight? Is it permissible for one of your friends to sometimes act nasty towards another?

Another test for lice is to find out who determines the mood in the company. Let's say friends meet, but they have a different mood. Sooner or later the mood comes to a common denominator. Which state usually wins? For example, Sasha is not in a good mood, Zhenya, on the contrary, is on the rise, and Valya adjusts to Sasha and gets bored until Sasha starts having fun. But if Sasha is happy, and Zhenya is moping, then Valya even forgets about his unimportant mood and tries to smile in order to get on the same wavelength with Sasha. In this example, Sasha has the strongest position among friends.

Not everything is so bad

You might think that everything is bad. But let's mentally return to the graph with squares. We discussed those friends with whom relationships do not bring pleasure and benefit. Therefore, they listed not the best options. But there is also a friendship that is worth the effort.

Nothing is perfect, but there are also true friends. Those, from communication with which life becomes better for both parties. And if a friend falls into the first square of the graph and at the same time into the first circle of communication, this is one of the cornerstones on which your life is built.

Reliable friends make us happy, investing time and energy in such friendship is a life strategy for many years to come.

But closer to 30 we think that we have:

no special time for friends;
the available time should be divided equally between people from the first and second circle of communication.

And we will fall into an eternal trap. When we do not see friends for a long time, we begin to talk about something supposedly important first of all. About career, marriage, family problems. Theoretically, after you discuss important issues, you can move on to jokes, chatter, and actually friendship. In fact, if we don't take the time to make friends and then start asking about all the news in recent months, then there is not a moment left to actually enjoy the friendship and discuss something other than recent events.

So there are two items on the agenda:

Think about your friends who are not in the first square. Move them off your friendly mountain. Not in the sense that you should stop talking to them altogether. Treat them well, don't forget about them. But if something doesn’t suit you, you don’t have to constantly be with these people. In general, clean up the environment.
Make more time for real friends. If you are already about 30, then you are unlikely to find other true friends. They deserve to receive five, ten times more attention than other acquaintances. And it’s not enough just to have lunch during the break. True friendship is worthy of a close atmosphere. Now take and plan an evening with your best friend.

How to make friends at any age

Likbez Life

Do not sit alone, hoping for casual acquaintances. Take action.

You can also listen to this article. If it's more convenient for you, turn on the podcast:

Simple tips to help you make friends

Always be yourself. So you will not deceive anyone when you meet and will not disappoint when you get to know you better.
Think carefully about what you value most in people and who you find it easier to communicate with. Keep this in mind when making new friends.
Don't be prejudiced, don't judge new people by hearsay or first impressions. Get to know the person better, only then draw conclusions.
Friendship is a mutually beneficial relationship. Offer help when you see that the person needs it. If this is a true friend, then you can count on help in return.
Keep in touch with new friends: communicate on the Internet, arrange new meetings, try to diversify joint leisure. But don't be too pushy. If the person is ignoring you, don't push.
Don't worry if new acquaintances lose interest in you. You may have met the wrong people or made mistakes. Analyze the experience and keep looking.

How to find friends online

With the spread of the Internet, many of us began to spend more time in front of the monitor and communicate less live. It is a fact. But not everything is so clear. The web is just a tool and everyone uses it in their own way.

The Internet can be seen as both a refuge from the real world and a powerful means of socialization. The sites and services, which will be discussed below, introduce a huge number of people every day. Already today you can make friends there.

Look for friends in online communities

Internet forums, chats in instant messengers like WhatsApp and Telegram, public pages and groups on Facebook*, VKontakte, Odnoklassniki and other social networks are all platforms for effectively finding new acquaintances .

You just need to choose the right community, which may include people of interest to you, and unobtrusively invite them to meet. Nothing complicated.

If you live in a small town, look for community based on geography. In large social networks, almost every locality has local groups like “Typical Bryansk” or “Overheard in Chernigov”, where you can communicate with fellow countrymen. To find such a group, just enter the name of your locality in the service search.

When you find a community, look at its description, read the posts of other users. So you will find out how dating takes place here. Most often, participants directly publish brief information about themselves with an offer to get to know each other. In VKontakte, such data is usually sent to administrators, and they already post it for the rest of the group members on behalf of the sender. You can reply to one of these posts or leave your own.

If you are from a large city, then it makes sense to look for a community of interest, without reference to the locality. It can be a chat to discuss cinema, a public about fishing or a forum about bodybuilding. Choose what is closer to you.

The main thing is that your city should be big and your community should be popular. Then among his audience there will surely be your "neighbors".

In communities of interest, so-called gatherings are popular - mass meetings of participants for dating and spending time together. Such events are organized by the participants themselves or the administration. An example is the meetings of users of LiveLib, a social platform for book lovers. But before you go to such an event, prove yourself on the site. Participate in discussions, make your publications - let them notice you and accept you as their own.

Some communities of interest have special sections for dating. For example, on the site of the humorous site Pikabu there is a popular branch called “Dating League”. Participants from different cities and countries tell about themselves here and offer to meet offline. After free registration, you will be able to write to someone who is interested in you, or publish your profile.

Find friends using dating services

The web is full of services designed specifically for dating. Most often, with their help, they are looking for partners for sex or romantic relationships, but nothing prevents you from looking for friends in this way.

In the same Tinder, the world's largest online dating service, you can easily find a person to chat with friends. After registration, clearly indicate in your personal profile that you are looking for a company to simply go to the cinema, exhibition, concert or other event that seems appropriate to you. This is good ground to make friends.

Download

Price: Free

Download

Price: Free

The app will connect to your Facebook* and show profiles of users who are close to you and match your interests. You can anonymously tag people you like. The same will be done with your profile. If the choice matches, the application will notify both of them and you can start chatting.

There are also services that are designed specifically for finding friends. They are not as popular, but fit your purpose perfectly. Among such projects are the TourBar platform for finding fellow travelers and the MyFriends dating service.

Find friends in online games

If you have never played multiplayer games, you may not realize how strong social bonds they create between players. In virtual worlds, they find not only real friends, but even future husbands and wives.

Games like Destiny, Overwatch and World of Warcraft create situations where you have to interact with strangers. You join forces with other players for the sake of common goals and experience joint adventures. In such conditions, it is easy to get close and find common topics for conversation. If you wish, you can continue to communicate in the real world.

Don't forget netiquette if you're dating online.

Tidy up your online profile. Remove posts and pictures that make you look worse than you really are.
When publishing your profile for future friends, briefly describe your qualities, goals of acquaintance and interests.
Try to write correctly, use punctuation marks.
Do not overuse emoticons, exclamation marks and capital letters.
Do not break the message into several parts unnecessarily. Finish the thought, and then send, so as not to annoy the interlocutor with a flood of notifications.
Avoid commonplace remarks like “Hi, how are you?”.
Don't swear.
Don't joke around.
Do not argue over trifles, respect the other person's point of view.
Be polite.

If your communication from the virtual world turns into the real one (which is exactly what you want, right?), the tips from the next paragraph will surely come in handy.

How to find friends offline

If you are an old school person and do not like all this virtual stuff, you can always find interesting people in the real world.

Make friends at school or at work

Schools, universities and offices are places where people usually make new acquaintances. But since you are reading this article, it means that this option did not work in your case.

If there are people in the team with whom you would like to make friends, but no one shows initiative, take it into your own hands. Talk to your manager about doing things together, like going after work to an anti-cafe or a bar. You can simply offer these options directly to your colleagues. An informal atmosphere will create the prerequisites for friendly relations.

If you study or work remotely or there are no people who are close in spirit in the team, there is a radical way - to change the place of work or study. But before taking decisive action, try the next option.

Look for friends in local sections and interest clubs

Another old-fashioned way to find friends is to join a sports section. It is advisable to choose a team sport like football, hockey or handball. Alternatively, consider dancing.

If you don't like active sports, try to find an interest club. This may be an institution where they play board games or discuss literature. Choose based on your interests: this will help you find like-minded people. The addresses of such clubs are usually available on the Internet.

Be mindful of manners when communicating in person

Before the meeting, think about how to make the most of your time. Offer your options to new friends. Ask if they have suggestions.
Don't be late for meetings: no one likes to wait.
Do not violate the person's personal space.
Be open to new places, activities and travel.
Use psychological tricks to please the other person.

We hope these tips help you make new friends. We will be glad if you share your experience.

Learn more

Mental disorder pica

Only constant thing in life is change

Sleeping pills common

Depressed after being ghosted

Adhd treatment in toddlers

What are ptsd nightmares like

The doubting disease

People think im autistic

Best natural supplements for depression and anxiety

Unique mindfulness exercises

Communication issues in a marriage