How does relationships affect self concept
How One Affects the Other
Research has well-established the link between good self-esteem and relationship satisfaction. Self-esteem not only affects how we think about ourselves, but also how much love we’re able to receive and how we treat others, especially in intimate relationships.
A person’s initial level of self-esteem prior to the relationship predicts partners’ common relationship satisfaction. More specifically, although happiness generally declines slightly over time, this isn’t true for people who enter a relationship with higher levels of self-esteem. The steepest decline is for people whose self-esteem was lower to begin with.[1] Frequently, those relationships don’t last. Even though communication skills, emotionality, and stress all influence a relationship, a person’s past experience and personality traits affect how these issues are managed and therefore have the greatest bearing on its outcome.[2]
Self-esteem suffers when you grow up in a dysfunctional family. Often you don’t have a voice. Your opinions and desires aren’t taken seriously. Parents usually have low self-esteem and are unhappy with each other. They themselves neither have nor model good relationship skills, including cooperation, healthy boundaries, assertiveness, and conflict resolution. They may be abusive, or just indifferent, preoccupied, controlling, interfering, manipulative, or inconsistent. Their children’s feelings and personal traits and needs tend to be shamed. As a result, a child feels emotionally abandoned and concludes that he or she is at fault–not good enough to be acceptable to both parents. This is how toxic shame becomes internalized. Children feel insecure, anxious, and/or angry. They don’t feel safe to be, to trust, and to like themselves. They grow up codependent with low self-esteem and learn to hide their feelings, walk on eggshells, withdraw, and try to please or become aggressive.
As a result of their insecurity, shame, and impaired self-esteem, children develop an attachment style that, to varying degrees, is anxious or avoidant.
They develop anxious and avoidant attachment styles and behave like pursuers and distancers described in “The Dance of Intimacy.” At the extreme ends, some individuals cannot tolerate either being alone or too close; either one creates intolerable pain. Anxiety can lead you to sacrifice your needs and please and accommodate your partner. Due to basic insecurity, you’re preoccupied with the relationship and highly attuned to your partner, worrying that he or she wants less closeness. But because you don’t get your needs met, you become unhappy. Adding to this, you take things personally with a negative twist, projecting negative outcomes. Low self-esteem makes you hide your truth so as not to “make waves,” which compromises real intimacy. You may also be jealous of your partner’s attention to others and call or text frequently, even when asked not to. By repeated attempts to seek reassurance, you unintentionally push your partner away even further. Both of you end up unhappy. Avoiders, as the term implies, avoid closeness and intimacy through distancing behaviors, such as flirting, making unilateral decisions, addiction, ignoring their partner, or dismissing his or her feelings and needs.
This creates tension in the relationship, usually voiced by the anxious partner. Because avoiders are hypervigilant about their partner’s attempts to control or limit their autonomy in any way, they then distance themselves even more. Neither style contributes to satisfying relationships.
Dysfunctional families lack good communication skills that intimate relationships require. Not only are they important to any relationship, they also reflect self-esteem. They involve speaking clearly, honestly, concisely, and assertively, and the ability to listen, as well. They require that you know and are able to clearly communicate your needs, wants, and feelings, including the ability to set boundaries. The more intimate the relationship, the more important and more difficult practicing these skills becomes.
Codependents generally have problems with assertiveness. At the same time, they deny their feelings and needs, due to the fact that they were shamed or ignored in their childhood.
They also consciously suppress what they think and feel so as not to anger or alienate their partner and risk criticism or emotional abandonment. Instead, they rely on mindreading, asking questions, caretaking, blaming, lying, criticizing, avoiding problems or ignoring or controlling their partner. They learn these strategies from the dysfunctional communication witnessed in their families growing up. But these behaviors are problematic in themselves and can lead to escalating conflict, characterized by attacks, blame, and withdrawal. Walls get erected that block openness, closeness, and happiness. Sometimes, a partner seeks closeness with a third person, threatening the stability of the relationship.
Dysfunctional families have dysfunctional boundaries, which get handed down through parents’ behavior and example. They may be controlling, invasive, disrespectful, use their children for their own needs, or project their feelings onto them. This undermines children’s self-esteem. As adults, they too, have dysfunctional boundaries.
They have trouble accepting other people’s differences or allowing others’ space, particularly in intimate relationships. Without boundaries, they can’t say no or protect themselves when necessary and take personally what others say. They tend to feel responsible for others’ stated or imagined feelings, needs, and actions, to which they react, contributing to escalating conflict. Their partner feels that he or she can’t express themselves without triggering a defensive reaction.
We all have needs for both separateness and individuality as well as for being close and connected. Autonomy requires self-esteem — both necessary in relationships. It’s an ability to stand on your own and trust and motivate yourself. But when you don’t like yourself, you’re in miserable company spending time alone. It takes courage to communicate assertively in an intimate relationship — courage that comes with self-acceptance, which enables you to value and honor your feelings and needs and risk criticism or rejection in voicing them.
This also means you feel deserving of love and are comfortable receiving it. You wouldn’t waste your time pursuing someone unavailable or push away someone who loved you and met your needs.
Healing toxic shame from childhood takes working with a skilled therapist; however, shame can be diminished, self-esteem raised, and attachment style changed by altering the way you interact with yourself and others. In fact, self-esteem is learned, which is why I wrote 10 Steps to Self-Esteem and Conquering Shame and Codependency. Both books contain lots of self-help exercises. Sharing at 12-Step meetings is also very beneficial. Because assertiveness can be learned and also raises self-esteem, I wrote How to Speak Your Mind — Become Assertive and Set Limits, which guides you in learning those skills.
Couples therapy is an ideal way to achieve greater relationship satisfaction. When one partner refuses to participate, it’s nonetheless helpful if one willing partner does.
Research confirms that the improved self-esteem of one partner increases relationship satisfaction for both.[3] Often, when only one person enters therapy, the relationship changes for the better and happiness increases for the couple. If not, the client’s mood improves and he or she is more able to accept the status quo or leave the relationship.
©Darlene Lancer 2016
[1] Lavner, J. A., Bradbury, T. N., & Karney, B. R. (2012). “Incremental change or initial differences? Testing two models of marital deterioration.” Journal of Family Psychology, 26, 606–616.
[2] Bradbury, T. N., & Lavner, J. A. (2012). “How can we improve preventive and educational interventions for intimate relationships?” Behavior Therapy, 43, 113–122.
[3] Erol, Ruth Yasemin; Orth, Ulrich, “Development of self-esteem and relationship satisfaction in couples: Two longitudinal studies.” Developmental Psychology,” 2014, Vol. 50, No. 9, 2291–2303
Happy guy photo available from Shutterstock
How Low Self-Esteem Affects Your Relationships
Confidence is crucial when it comes to your love life.
Learn how to gain more of it so you can improve your relationships.
By Kathleen DohenyMedically Reviewed by Kathryn Keegan, MD
Reviewed:
Medically Reviewed
Low self-esteem doesn't only affect you — it can also have a negative impact on your significant other.Gary Waters/Getty ImagesWhether you’re dealing with a bad breakup or the loss of a job, everyone struggles with low self-esteem from time to time. When something bad happens, it's common for your inner critic to pipe up and say things like, “You’re not good enough,” or “You’ll never be happy.”
And while it’s natural to have fluctuations in confidence — especially when life throws you a curveball — if your self-esteem is consistently lacking, it can have a negative impact not only on you, but on your romantic relationships as well. Read on to learn how your self-esteem influences your love life and what you can do to boost your confidence.
Research shows that self-esteem can influence your relationship satisfaction just as much as it affects your partner’s. When you feel bad about yourself, your insecurities can start to creep in to the way you act with your significant other — and that can have a negative impact on both of you.
Plus, low self-esteem can distort your perception of your partner, according to research in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. In the study, researchers asked more than 500 men and women to complete questionnaires about their self-esteem and then asked them how threatened they felt by their partner's flaws. Those with low self-esteem were not only more threatened by their partner’s imperfections, but they were also more likely to view their relationship in black-and-white terms: as all good or all bad.
Having that kind of polarized view of your partner can be tough on your relationship, says Steven Graham, PhD, lead author of the study and associate professor of psychology at the New College of Florida in Sarasota.
"If my views of you are changing very quickly, thinking very positively about you one minute and negatively the next, that could make the other person feel insecure,” he explains.
Predictability in a relationship is crucial, he adds. It's been found to be a key indicator of the quality of intimacy shared by a couple.
In addition to impacting your perception of your partner, having low self-esteem can also make you more anxious about your relationship in general. “You may be afraid that your partner will leave you, or you panic over other things that others wouldn't think twice about,” says Heidi Riggio, PhD, a social psychologist and assistant professor of psychology at California State University in Los Angeles. “This can lead to panic attacks or extreme jealousy.”
How to Boost Your Self-EsteemWhether your self-esteem is momentarily lagging or you’ve been feeling bad about yourself for a long time, the key to rebuilding your confidence is changing your negative thoughts, says Dr.
Riggio. A good place to start is by noticing your negative self-talk and reversing it. Self-talk is that inner script that plays in an endless loop in your brain, she explains. If everything you’re saying to yourself is negative, that’s going to impact how you feel about yourself.
“When you notice yourself thinking you're not lovable, or that no one will ever find you attractive, you need to stop and talk back to yourself in a positive way," says Riggio. “Tell yourself that the negative talk is not realistic, but just a distortion.” Then flip the script and say something positive about yourself.
You can train yourself to have conscious, positive thoughts that will help you fight back against those negative thoughts, notes Riggio. The more you practice, the more you’ll cultivate your confidence.
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How self-esteem and self-confidence affect relationships in a couple. Psychologist Vadim Kurkin tells
Today, in the Entertaining Psychology project, there is another great topic - about how our self-esteem affects relationships with people.
As a psychologist, I am often asked to tell me how to find a partner or how to improve relationships. Of course, there is no universal advice for everyone, just as there is no Main Secret of Relationships, some kind of technique, following which you are guaranteed to get the desired result. And, nevertheless, there is a thing that always improves the situation: it helps to find a partner and improves existing relationships. I will tell about her today.
Our interaction with the outside world is most influenced by our inner state. First of all, how we treat ourselves.
There is a 100% rule that there are never "wrong men" in a woman's life. Men are always the ones - the ones she deserves. The same, however, applies to friends, relatives, and colleagues, but a man for a woman is an especially clear mirror. Which partner is nearby is an indicator of how much a woman has invested in herself, in her development, in increasing her awareness, in her ability to experience joy, in self-respect.
The same applies to men.
Therefore, dear friends, if there is a “wrong” partner nearby and in general there are solid “wrong” ones, then it’s time to think: “What is my state and attitude towards myself that attracts such people and such situations, and isn’t it time for me to finally, to take care of myself in order to begin to correspond to those men and those people whom I would like to see next to me”?
Self-attitude is something you can work with. It's a good news. The worse news is that sometimes you need to work a lot and quite regularly.
Let's start with one important psychological practice
Imagine that you are a different person. And think about how you treat him, that is, with yourself. What do you say to him in the morning, how do you comment on his actions, how do you perceive mistakes and failures, how do you encourage this person. How do you treat his body - do you let him sleep or sit at the computer until late, do you take him to sports, do you feed him tasty and healthy food? Or maybe you buy semi-finished products and a lot of sweets, save on food? You can look at all areas of life and see what is happening in them, try to understand what kind of attitude this speaks of.
Presenting yourself as someone else can be very helpful. You may be surprised to find yourself making negative comments about yourself while looking in the mirror. That you call yourself bad words when something did not work out. Or do not allow yourself a few extra minutes to soak up in bed, even if you have time for this - as if the sky will fall to the ground if you do not start preparing breakfast at seven in the morning. And so on and so forth, there are many examples.
Now imagine - does it look like this is your most beloved and precious person? Or is it more like dealing with an enemy? Or maybe you treat him well, but more like a poor relative than the main person in life, that is, you have room to grow in this sense. And ask yourself one more question - how would you rate the attitude of a person who behaves this way with you.
Most people discover an amazing thing: if someone behaved with them the way they treat themselves, they would never associate with such a person - their actions are so dismissive and even insulting.
But we cannot help communicating with ourselves. And this communication is the most important of all. First, you are with yourself around the clock. That is, your influence on yourself is permanent. And secondly, people around read your attitude towards themselves and begin to behave in a similar way. And we are surprised, offended, demanding ...
We can change our environment and partners, but as long as our "main partner" - we ourselves - does not appreciate us, this is what determines what you deserve in the eyes of the people around you.
How to raise self-esteem?
So, in order to harmonize relationships with the world, you must first take care of yourself. Not by relationships, not by a purposeful search for friends or a partner, but by yourself and your interests. And in the case of women, this should be development in two directions: the first is self-care and self-care, and the second is work on their spiritual and mental development.
Self care
We appreciate what we have invested in - this is a universal human quality. Therefore, along with mental and spiritual work to increase self-esteem (practices, trainings, and so on), it is imperative to accumulate experience in caring for yourself. Concern concerns different aspects. This is self-care in the most pleasant "feminine" sense - all sorts of baths, massages, creams and makeup. This is allowing yourself pleasant little things, some gifts, rest, moments of relaxation. And a good attitude towards oneself - up to practices that increase self-love and self-acceptance. This is the ability to say “no” if your interests require it, to insist on your own or refuse if something does not suit you. This is spending on yourself, protecting your priorities.
There is an important point here - on the one hand, a person who does not value himself usually hardly allows himself something like this. It's like a vicious circle: it's hard to start indulging ourselves if we don't feel good about ourselves.
At the same time, without taking care of yourself, it is difficult to believe in your own worth. But you can change the situation if you turn on gradually. Don't wait for self-esteem to stabilize through psychological work - just start to slowly please yourself - at least in small things.
No less important for self-esteem is how we treat our mind and soul, our time, our own life, finally. If we are not interested in anything, we are not engaged in development, we work through force, then there is no reason for self-esteem to be high. And the appropriate people will be attracted to us.
Fullness, joy, burning eyes and enthusiasm make a woman attractive and interesting. And also make it independent and self-sufficient. This is important for building relationships, since they do not become her only joy, and the woman does not “hang” on her partner.
Vadim Kurkin
Women's self-esteem and its impact on relationships
Most often I am asked to talk about two things: how to find a partner and how to improve existing relationships.
And I wanted to create material that would be useful to the authors of both of these questions.
Of course, there is no universal advice suitable for everyone, just as there is no “Main Relationship Secret”, some kind of technique, following which you are guaranteed to get the desired result. And, nevertheless, there is a thing that always improves the situation in one way or another, whether you want a better understanding with a man or just looking for a partner. I will tell about her today.
Most of all, the quality of relationships with the outside world is influenced by our internal state. And first of all, the way we treat ourselves plays a role.
Therefore, in a woman's life there are never "wrong" men. Men are always the ones she deserves. The same, however, applies to friends and relatives, but a man for a woman is an especially clear mirror. What kind of partner is now nearby is an indicator of how much a woman has invested in herself, in her development, in her ability to experience joy, in self-respect.
And if it turned out that there is no one around right now, or the “wrong” partner and in general there are only “wrong” ones, it’s time to think: “What is my state and attitude towards myself that attracts such people and situations, and isn’t it time for me, finally, to take care of myself in order to begin to correspond to those men and those people whom I would like to see around?
The formation of adequate self-esteem is something that you can work with. It's a good news. The bad news is that you need to work a lot and regularly.
And let's start with one important psychological practice that will show how you feel about yourself.
Imagine that you are a different person. And think about how you treat him. What do you say to him in the morning, how do you comment on his actions, how do you perceive mistakes and failures, how do you encourage success. How do you treat his body - do you let him sleep or sit at the computer until late, do you take him to sports, do you feed him tasty and healthy food? Or maybe you buy semi-finished products and a lot of sweets, save on food? You can take a look at all areas of life and see what is happening in them, try to understand what kind of attitude this speaks of to yourself.
Presenting yourself as someone else can be very helpful. You may be surprised to find yourself making negative comments while looking in the mirror. That you call yourself different names when something didn't work out. Or do not allow yourself a few extra minutes to soak up in bed, even if you have time for this - as if the sky will fall to the ground if you do not start preparing breakfast at seven in the morning. And so on and so forth.
Now imagine - does it look like this is your most beloved and precious person? Or is it more like dealing with an enemy? Or maybe you treat him well, but more like a poor relative than the main person in life, that is, you have room to grow in this sense. And ask yourself one more question - how would you rate the attitude towards yourself of a person who behaves this way with you?
Many discover a striking thing: if someone behaved with them the way they themselves, they would never associate with such a person - their actions are so dismissive and even insulting.
But we cannot help communicating with ourselves. And this communication is the most important of all, even defining. Firstly, you are with yourself around the clock, which means that you influence yourself constantly. And secondly, people around read your attitude towards themselves and begin to behave in a similar way. They feel that this is possible - you do it.
We can change the environment and partners, but as long as our "main partner" - ourselves - does not appreciate us, the rest will do the same. It is by our own behavior that others determine what we deserve.
A good example is a girl who easily begins to scold herself (to herself, of course, not aloud) for the slightest "faults", for example, for a burnt dinner. If someone addresses her in the same spirit and in the same terms, she will be shocked and outraged. But there is absolutely nothing to be surprised at - she talks to herself like that.
Ways to increase self-esteem?
So, in order to harmonize relationships with the world, you must first take care of yourself.
Not by relationships, not by a purposeful search for friends or a partner, but by yourself and your interests. And in the case of women, this should be development in two directions: the first is self-care and self-care, and the second is work on their spiritual and mental development.
Self care
We appreciate what we have invested in - this is a universal human quality. Therefore, along with mental and spiritual work to increase self-esteem (practices, trainings, and so on), it is imperative to accumulate experience in caring for yourself. Concern concerns different aspects. This is self-care in the most pleasant "feminine" sense - various baths, massages, creams and makeup. And allowing yourself pleasant little things, gifts, rest, moments of relaxation. And a good attitude towards oneself - up to practices that develop self-love, self-acceptance. This is the ability to say “no” if your interests require it, to insist on your own or refuse if something does not suit you.
This is spending on yourself, protecting your priorities.
There is an important point here - on the one hand, a person who does not value himself usually hardly allows himself something like that. It’s like a vicious circle: it’s hard to start pampering ourselves if we don’t treat ourselves too well, and at the same time, if we don’t take care of ourselves, it’s hard to believe in our own worth. But you can change the situation if you turn on gradually. Don't wait for self-esteem to stabilize through psychological work - just start to slowly please yourself - at least in small things.
No less important for stable self-esteem is how we handle our mind and soul, our time, our own life, finally. If we are not interested in anything, we are not engaged in development, we work through force, then there is no reason for self-esteem to be high. And the appropriate people will be attracted to us.
Fullness, joy and enthusiasm make a woman attractive and interesting.
